Episode 337 – Unique Lurgee

Summary

Podcast Summary: Ed Gamble & Matthew Crosby on Radio X

Episode 337 – Unique Lurgee
Release Date: December 7, 2025

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Overview

This episode of Ed Gamble & Matthew Crosby on Radio X is a festive, delightfully chaotic blend of comedy, listener interaction, and personal anecdotes as Ed (Crunch) and Matthew (Crumble) ring in the Christmas season. The show is brimming with seasonal grumbles, tales of illness, and the annual kickoff of their crowd-favorite "12 Listeners of Thickmas" segment—a search for listeners’ most thick-headed moments. The chemistry between the hosts is sharp as ever, with signature British self-deprecation, surreal tangents, and playful mockery of themselves and their audience.

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Main Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Exclusive Podcast Banter & Unique Content

• Ed and Matthew riff on "exclusive content," joking about never having said their opening sentences in that exact order before ([00:10]–[00:39]).
• Ed recalls a past tradition: starting each new year by saying a sentence he’s never uttered before (e.g., "Harry Secombe lives" with a railcard above his head) ([00:42]–[01:05]).
• Discussion about memes and how phrases (like Alexandra Burke allegedly bringing "elephant in the room" to the UK) spread ([01:26]–[02:03]).

Notable Quote

"I held a rail card above my head and said, 'Harry Secombe lives.' And I thought, I bet no one else has done this."
— Ed Gamble ([00:42])

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2. Plugs & Comedy Gigs

• Ed promotes the Pappy’s Flatshare Slam Down Christmas Special. Live stream tickets are £8 ([03:00]–[04:13]).
• Matthew laments missing the annual show where he played the "Elf on the Shelf," expressing love for the skits and Christmas-themed quiz rounds ([04:25]–[04:55]).
• Discussion about gig lineups and the fluidity of comedy bookings ([03:38]–[04:01]).

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3. Spotify Wrapped & Listener Obsession

• Juliet from Leatherhead: Has listened to over 100,000 minutes of the show, putting her in the top 0.1% of listeners ([06:09]–[06:45]). She confesses to falling asleep to the podcast nightly and references responding to a text from episode 11 after her sixth full re-listen.
• The hosts discuss the quirks and randomness of Spotify Wrapped, including their "listening age" stats ([08:01]–[08:26]).
• Ed’s top album: Claims he listened to Frank Black’s "Teenager of the Year" 162 times, raising skepticism ([08:43]–[09:13]).
• Ed and Matthew reminisce about the tactile, bumpy covers of Goosebumps books ([07:43]–[08:01]).

Notable Quote

"Think I've spent more time with Bartleby Scrib. Long live. Than any sane human should. Send help. I think I'm having a breakdown."
— Juliet from Leatherhead ([06:53])

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4. Holiday Sickness & Lurgie Talk

• Matthew launches into his "Beginning of Christmas Elf" character, lamenting being ill at the busiest time of year ([10:04]–[10:51]).
• The duo joke about how each year Christmas comes earlier and the concept of the "unique lurgie" that only Matthew has, demanding sympathy not empathy ([13:42]–[14:16]).
• Discussion about parental responsibility: Parents aren't permitted to be ill for their nearly 40-year-old children ([14:16]–[14:42]).
• Ed describes Matthew’s illness as the worst he’s ever looked, likening him to a Dickensian character ([12:46]–[13:01]).

Notable Quotes

"Sorry, when have you ever been a bandwagon jumper? You're a trailblazer. If anything, you're patient zero."
— Ed Gamble ([13:50])

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5. 12 Listeners of Thickmas: Listener Thick Moments

• Launch of "12 Listeners of Thickmas": Listeners are invited to submit their thickest (i.e., daftest) mishaps for a festive singalong in three weeks ([12:01]–[12:14], [33:13]–[33:50]).
• First entries:
  • Listener texts only the show’s number (“83936”), twice.
  • Discussions about competitions, how Radio X listeners may be the thickest, and playful, affectionate condescension ([16:03]–[17:12]).

Highlights of Submitted Thick Moments

• Mr. Mayhem: Chewed an ibuprofen tablet with a biscuit because mum said not to take pills on an empty stomach ([34:15]).
• Lisa: Thought leather could only come from crocodiles until age 35 ([35:52]).
• Adam from Manchester: Accidentally punched himself in the groin after dropping his keys ([37:00]).
• Sam from Stockport: Realized only because of the show that The Strokes album cover is a bum, not a knee ([37:53]).
• Joe: Thought "each way" betting on a horse meant the horse had to run there and back ([38:50]).
• Gareth: Broke his electric kettle by using it to heat milk for Weetabix ([39:59]).
• David from Pool: Believed "ER" on postboxes meant "Her Majesty" ([40:45]).
• Sarah in Reading: Only learned at 48 that actor Ray Liotta isn’t called "Rayleigh Otter" ([52:39]).
• Caroline Keane: Thought "Do Not Alight Here" on trains meant you couldn’t light cigarettes ([53:26]).
• Rob: Told a McDonalds cashier (who said "Have a good day") "No thanks," then drove off ([53:31]).
• Alex: Left his partner stranded at a rural Welsh train station by forgetting her phone and bank card in the car ([50:59]).
• Sammy: Looked forward to trying a “traditional curry” on safari in Kenya, not realizing Kenya is not in India ([49:18]).

Notable Quotes

"I got my first leather sofa... I was shocked, as I had always thought that leather only came from crocodiles."
— Lisa ([36:10])

"I once punched myself in the groin because I dropped my keys and snatched down my arm and didn't stop in time."
— Adam, Manchester ([37:00])

"How come all other sirs are men? Apart from Sir Corny Weaver."
— Ed (paraphrasing his brother’s thick moment about Sigourney Weaver) ([53:02])

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6. Comedy Gig Disaster Stories

• Matthew’s tough gig in Stevenage: Struggles with a Friday night crowd in a sports hall, encounters walkouts, a UTI excuse, gets flipped off by an audience member, and has to fend off a confrontation with a heckler ([18:01]–[25:31]).
• Triumph as crowd backs him up against the angry heckler, providing the night’s biggest laugh ([24:21]).

Notable Quotes

"I've got to go to Stevenage to do 20 minutes of comedy. Like, I'm going to war."
— Matthew Crosby ([15:20])

"At that point, the entire audience booed the hell out of him."
— Ed Gamble ([24:21])

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7. Saturday Kitchen Chaos

• Matthew and James Acaster disrupt Saturday Kitchen with chaotic antics, including James flipping over a Christmas wreath and physically attacking set decorations ([28:12]–[29:25]).
• Backlash from traditional viewers who didn’t appreciate comedians behaving badly on primetime TV ([29:51]).
• The cast and studio enjoyed it, the wider viewing public less so.

Notable Quote

"James's reaction was to scream at the top of his voice, flip the Christmas wreath off the table, punch the Christmas polar bear and shake the tree around in anger."
— Matthew Crosby ([29:25])

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8. Music & Recommendations

• Ongoing debate about Radio X’s "Record of the Year" and which tracks should be eligible ([41:32]–[43:14]).
• Recommendations in the outro:
  • Matthew: The Chair Company (TV series), Wake Up Dead Man (Knives Out mystery film), and Nobody Touched Me (Bob Odenkirk action film).
  • Ed: Enjoying the Psychedelic Porn Crumpets’ album "Pogo Rodeo", audiobooks, and a contentious Taylor Swift song ([58:07]–[64:18]).
• Back-and-forth about Ed’s taste (“creepy” to enjoy modern pop?) and appreciation for the Lemonheads’ Evan Dando’s memoir.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Ed on being unique:
  "Do you ever think about... I've never said this sentence before?" ([00:35])
• Matthew on listener obsession:
  "You are having a breakdown." ([06:53])
• On parenthood:
  "As soon as you become a parent... you're no longer allowed to be ill." ([14:16])
• Christmas gig disaster:
  "She flipped me off... and everyone laughed. He said, 'That was uncalled for.'... and the entire audience booed him." ([22:35]–[24:21])
• Joe’s betting confusion:
  "Betting on a horse each way doesn't mean that you bet on it to run there and back." ([39:03])
• Lisa on leather:
  "I had always thought that leather only came from crocodiles." ([36:10])
• Sarah and Ray Liotta:
  "...the actor Ray Liotta wasn't in fact called Rayleigh Otter. First name Rayleigh. Second name Otter." ([52:39])
• Outro on recommendations:
  "I watched the entire Chair Company..." ([58:03])
  "That's the life of a showgirl." ([64:47])

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Running Jokes & Recurring Segments

• Ed and Matthew repeatedly roast their audience as delightfully “thick” and celebrate these daft moments.
• Running banter about mishearing lyrics, cultural references, and TV moments.
• Continual gentle mockery of themselves, the premise of their own show, and each other’s career moves and tastes.

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Structure/Segmentation

• [00:00]–[10:00] - Exclusive podcast intro, banter on unique sentences and plugs
• [10:00]–[13:00] - Ed as the “Beginning of Christmas Elf”, festive illnesses and intros
• [13:00]–[17:00] - Sick notes, lurgie chat, the rules of being ill as a parent
• [17:00]–[26:00] - Listener letters, more gig recounts, "12 Listeners of Thickmas"
• [26:00]–[34:00] - More listener thick moments, Spotify Wrapped chat, thickest entries
• [34:00]–[46:00] - More thick moments, childhood mistakes, musical chairs, Christmas gig tales
• [46:00]–[54:00] - Billy Bear Ham, Top Trumps: The Movie, more listener stories
• [54:00]–[57:00] - Wrapping up thick entries, favourite snacks, Matthew’s illness on TV
• [57:00]–[65:00+] - Outro recommendations, culture consumption, end notes

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Tone

The episode is warm, gently mocking, full of wordplay, surreal imagery, and inside jokes. It's irreverent, inclusive, and encourages listeners to participate, especially by admitting their own gaffes and silly moments.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a pitch-perfect entry point:

• You’ll experience the hosts’ natural repartee, warmth, and improvisational skill.
• You’ll hear an eclectic mix of stand-up stories, cultural chat, and sheer absurdity.
• The “12 Listeners of Thickmas” theme is central—listeners submit their daftest moments, from misunderstandings about horse racing to believing leather comes only from crocodiles.
• Expect affectionate ribbing—both of each other and the Radio X audience.

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Contact the Show with your ‘thick’ moments:
[e-mail]

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“We have the thickest listeners in radio, but we love it.”
— Ed Gamble, ([44:09])

Transcript

[Ed Gamble]

This is a global player original podcast.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hello and welcome to the Ed Gambler Matthew Crosby show on Radio X. It's the podcast of the radio show that we do. In a minute, we'll play the highlights of the radio show. But now, this is exclusive content.

[Ed Gamble]

It certainly is exclusive content.

[Matthew Crosby]

I've never said this before and I'll never say it again.

[Ed Gamble]

I like that. That it's exclusive content. Yeah, yeah, but it is.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, no, no. That's. These things I'll never say again in this order. So it's exclusive.

[Ed Gamble]

That's true. That's very, very true. This is all exclusive stuff, guys.

[Matthew Crosby]

So do you ever think about that? Do you ever think about. I've never said this sentence before.

[Ed Gamble]

I used to do that at the top of every year.

[Matthew Crosby]

What?

[Ed Gamble]

At the top of every year, I'd say a sentence I think that not only. I've never said before or I don't. I do a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I remember on the millennium, right, I held a rail card above my head and said, harry Secombe lives. And I thought, I bet no one else has done this. I'm the first person of the millennium to do this. Possibly the only person of the millennium to do it.

[Matthew Crosby]

The problem is I don't. So much stuff's happened in the world that you're probably not.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you think there's other people holding a rail card above their head saying, heresy can live?

[Matthew Crosby]

There'll certainly be people doing it now.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I.

[Matthew Crosby]

People are gonna get in contact with a picture of them doing that to make sure that you are not. You've not achieved anything in your life.

[Ed Gamble]

You're the only person who's done it. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I'd love that.

[Guest/Producer]

What if that became a meme?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, exactly. You know, it's like when Paris Hilton invented the selfie. That could be like that. That could be when Britney Spears and Paris Hilton invented the.

[Matthew Crosby]

Or who was it who brought back the phrase elephant in the room from America?

[Ed Gamble]

It was Alexandra Burke.

[Matthew Crosby]

Alexandra Burke, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Do you remember that, Vin?

[Guest/Producer]

No.

[Matthew Crosby]

She claims.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

That she. And this is very recent.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. This is in the last few years. Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

She said, oh, they've got a phrase in America, the elephant in the room. And I'm bringing. I've brought it over to Britain.

[Guest/Producer]

Okay, okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

She.

[Ed Gamble]

She. And she's an influencer, I think she called. Didn't she call an album Elephant in the Room? Or like, she wrote a song called.

[Matthew Crosby]

Elephant in the Room this Phrase. And it means this.

[Ed Gamble]

This is such a great phrase. It's got to. It's got to go transatlantic. Anyway. Oh, by the way, can I do a. Can I do a quick plug for our Pappy's livestream?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, because.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's. If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, you should do.

[Guest/Producer]

This on the radio as well.

[Ed Gamble]

The Monday. Yeah, I'll do it on the radio. Sure, why not? But I'll do it. I'll do it for the podcast listeners because I know they're. They're good fol Christmas show. The Pappy's flat share slamming off. They're not. They're bad things. The. Well, yeah, you can be. You can be thick and good.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I think that's true.

[Ed Gamble]

You can be thick and good.

[Matthew Crosby]

Lenny from Mice and Men.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Joey Essex dead now, of course, the rip guys. So if. What a way to find out. Yeah, obviously this show is dedicated to Jerry Essex. The memory of Jerry Essex, please. The. So, yeah, if you want to get to.

[Matthew Crosby]

At the time of recording, Joey Essex is alive.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because people can listen to podcasts whenever.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, that's true. He will be dead at some stage.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And Harry Seacombe dead. Should tell you that now. No, no amount of travel cars is going to bring that boy back anyway. Yes, if you are a fan of what I do, then I'm doing a Christmas show with my friends in Pappy's. The Pappy's Flatshare Slam Down Christmas Special.

[Matthew Crosby]

Always brilliant. It is my podcast, highlight of the year.

[Ed Gamble]

It's always fun. It's always good fun. We've got two fantastic guests. We've got Nish Kumar and Amy Annette, friends of this show, friends of ours. And it's gonna be really, really good. And we're live streaming it this year. So if you go to Pappy's comedy.com live you can get tickets for the live stream. I think they're only eight quid, which is a bargain.

[Matthew Crosby]

I've got a gig.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got a gig. That's right. You've got. You're doing an air gamble and colleagues gambling.

[Matthew Crosby]

Acquaintances.

[Ed Gamble]

Acquaintances. That's right, the Pleasants. Who are your acquaintances?

[Matthew Crosby]

I think someone pulled out it. I think it's Phil Ellis and Catherine Bohart.

[Ed Gamble]

Good, strong.

[Matthew Crosby]

And someone else, maybe Johnny Pelham. Oh, it's a good lineup.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a good lineup.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it's a good lineup. But we'll see because, you know, these things are fluid.

[Ed Gamble]

They have to be fluid. They simply have to.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'll be there, though.

[Ed Gamble]

You'll definitely have to be. I'll definitely be at the Underbelly Soho, but that's sold out. But the live stream, you can watch that@pappy's comedy.com forward/live. That's where you get.

[Matthew Crosby]

Will you be able to watch it after?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Yeah, we'll leave it up for a. I mean, to be honest, I think we've still got the ones from lockdown left up. I don't think we ever take them down.

[Matthew Crosby]

So, yeah, you know what I might do, Matthew? I might watch it on Tuesday.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you know what? I'll send you a link for free.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because it's a shame I can't make it this year because last year I got to be an elf.

[Ed Gamble]

Last year you were Elf on the Shelf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a real shame. But, you know, there's always next year. You can come back as the elf.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I mean, I would just like to come back and play it because what happened last year when I was the elf, we did our little skits that you'd written and then I just sat down. Play the last round because I love it so much.

[Ed Gamble]

You're very good at the last round. You're very, very good at the last round. The last round is a sort of 12 days of Christmas where every answer has a vague assonance to. Like a partridge in a pear tree.

[Matthew Crosby]

Very vague.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So the high water mark, I don't think we've ever bettered it, which is a real shame, is the four calling birds, of course, was four Pauline Quirk.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. It takes a long time to play, but it's a lot of fun. But, yeah, get the look.

[Matthew Crosby]

Not what I'm playing.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no, no, you're amazing.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I really bring the mood down with it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Your brain, by the way, is broken in the exact same way that mine and Tom Parry's brains are broken. Just you think in sentences that no one needs to hear.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, should we do. Are there any other emails you want us to read?

[Matthew Crosby]

You've got. I think you've got something.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got some. Oh, I've got some. By the way, thank you very much to everybody who sent.

[Matthew Crosby]

Thanks for emailing, guys.

[Ed Gamble]

We were in.

[Matthew Crosby]

Simply won't read them.

[Ed Gamble]

My top. My top podcast was this podcast, by the way, on my Spotify ra.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, that's depressing.

[Ed Gamble]

That's depressing. But I will say one thing. I listened to, I think about 80 minutes of it and it'll be I listened to an episode that I wasn't on. That'll be what's happened.

[Matthew Crosby]

Or you had to listen back to a bit.

[Ed Gamble]

I had to listen to a bit. Back to a bit. So this.

[Matthew Crosby]

If you're gonna read this email.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is insane. This is the most amount I've seen, like. And I've been sent a lot of off menu ones as well. Of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is by far. Well, not by far, but it is the most amount of minutes I've seen someone listen to a show. I'm involved.

[Ed Gamble]

It's wild. This. Yeah. Yeah. This is from Juliet from Leatherhead. She says good morning. Good morning. DJ Cronuts, the insulator and the Vimprov comedian. Happy radio, lads.

[Matthew Crosby]

Don't mind if I do.

[Ed Gamble]

Just writing to say that you lads have truly addled my brain. My Spotify rap this year with photo attached for proof. Let me know that I'm in your top 0.1% of listeners now. That doesn't seem enough for the chapter.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, because you can go 0.01.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I know. I mean, your top 0.1% of listeners having listened to over 100,000 minutes of your show this year. If you do the math, that comes out at 70 full days.

[Matthew Crosby]

Madness. How?

[Guest/Producer]

Why?

[Matthew Crosby]

Why not why? No, no, how.

[Guest/Producer]

Definitely why.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, why and how, please?

[Matthew Crosby]

Must get back in touch.

[Ed Gamble]

Juliet.

[Matthew Crosby]

It must be a put it on falling asleep and then have it on all night falling asleep to it.

[Ed Gamble]

But that's bad as well, because, you know, you don't want subliminal messages going into your. Into your cranium. Think I've spent more time with Bartleby Scrib. Long live. Than any sane human should send help. I think I'm having a breakdown. There's no. Think about it, Juliette. You are having a breakdown. While I'm here. While I'm here, though. While I'm here, I thought I'd respond to a text from episode 11 that I never got round to as I'm now my sixth listen through. least my favorite Goosebumps book has to be say cheese and die. A classic.

[Matthew Crosby]

Did we do favorite Goosebumps?

[Ed Gamble]

We talked about Goosebumps.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, my good Goosebumps. Still disappointed you didn't share your favorites, so maybe this could act as a prompt. It. I can't remember. I can't remember the titles of any Goosebumps.

[Matthew Crosby]

I can't start reading the Goosebumps books again. I need to read grown up books.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you spent 70 full days reading Goosebumps last year. You're in the 0.1 sentence.

[Matthew Crosby]

Didn't even finish it.

[Ed Gamble]

Good luck in the charts this week. From a long time.

[Matthew Crosby]

I just like feeling it. I just like feeling the covers.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that how you do it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Do you not remember? Yeah, they're bumpy, aren't they?

[Ed Gamble]

They were bumpy covers. Of course they were. Yes. Because you had the Braille edition as well, didn't you? Famously. Good luck in the charts this week from a long, long, long time listener, first time caller, Juliette from Leatherhead. Thank you so much.

[Matthew Crosby]

My listening age. Because also, it's so obvious what they've done with that.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, they've just done crazy ages. So that you put it on your socials.

[Matthew Crosby]

So you put it on your socials.

[Ed Gamble]

If they said your listening age is 39, you'd be like, yep, I'm 39.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. But my listening age was 43. So I actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Fine. Yeah, mine was 51. Totally fine with that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Wow.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, I was 63.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you were 63.

[Guest/Producer]

I'm the old guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But it's because they. They. Oh, by the way, my wife. 82.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think it's random.

[Ed Gamble]

It's totally random.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course. They go, oh, what? You once listened to a song that was released in 1967, therefore you're this age.

[Guest/Producer]

From what I gather, it's the. Unsurprisingly, it's the most. They're using AI for rap this year.

[Ed Gamble]

Right, right.

[Guest/Producer]

And it says my thing said, I listened to two albums this year. Well, I think there might be a flaw.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I think it's flawed. But basically I went and saw Frank Black do Teenager of the Year in March of this year. So January and February, I was boning up on that album. I was listening to it a lot. It claims I listened to it 162 times. That cannot be the case. That can't be the case. I'm not. I'm not. Juliet from Leatherhead. That can't be true. But as a result, everything was. My top five songs were from that album. My top album, my top genre was basically just like, Frank Black. You like Frank Black? I do, but it was one bit of the year.

[Guest/Producer]

I listened to two albums and one of them was Anthony Schmerick's album. And it won't tell me what the other album was.

[Ed Gamble]

Because it was one of those sounds of people making rude noises, wasn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

It was Spooky Farts for Halloween.

[Ed Gamble]

Exactly. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Matthew Crosby]

Which I think I did have on my Spotify wrapped one year.

[Ed Gamble]

Really?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a funny album.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it's so funny. I'll just play it in the car all the time.

[Ed Gamble]

Big bet reck for not just Anthony Spare, of course. Always. Always Big bet rec for Anthony Smirk. That album's fantastic. But also Spooky Fox Halloween.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, Spooky Fox Halloween is such a good album.

[Ed Gamble]

Such a good album and, you know, gives you a listening of 3000 years old. Anyway, enjoy the show, folks. See you in a bit.

[Matthew Crosby]

Bye.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby Ray D.

[Ed Gamble]

O X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hello, everyone, it's the Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby show and I am the beginning of Christmas Elf. Yes, I'm a specific elf who only comes out for the beginning of Christmas. I've been ill this week.

[Ed Gamble]

Poor Ed, look.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, I'm not Ed. I'm not poor. Else.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry.

[Matthew Crosby]

Poor elf. And I've been ill this week, which is a shame because this is my busiest week of the year. I'm always coming out here and being like, oh, it's Christmas time, even though it's not and everyone's still working. I like to make sure everyone has to feel Christmassy. They go to their events that they normally go to on a weekend. And I put all the lights out and I put a tree out, even though it's not really Christmas. Literally, like three weeks until Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

You know what? I think the beginning of Christmas elf gets earlier and earlier every year.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, keep popping up. That's a good angle. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, there we go.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Oh, I wait, but I wait behind all the Christmas, behind Halloween, Halloween and Easter. And I wait, but I'm living one of the eggs and then I wait for it to be eaten and then I'm birthed and then I hide in a Halloween mask and then I whip off my Halloween mask and then it's Christmas every year. Earlier every year, like Matthew said.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, earlier every single year.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, anyway, great show to come. This intro. We're going to knock this intro thing on the head, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, is that.

[Matthew Crosby]

We're going to start using AI.

[Ed Gamble]

Is this a business meeting? Yeah, we're having right now.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. It's about time we knock the intro thing on the head.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, big news for 2026. There'll be no intros to the show. You'll have to work out for yourself what's going on.

[Matthew Crosby]

We'll start.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

And first link is going to be. Oh, great intro, man.

[Ed Gamble]

I love that.

[Matthew Crosby]

We'll just gaslight everyone that we've done one park life.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's play park life. By Blur. It's Radio X.

[Radio X Announcer]

Radio X Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Ed Gamble]

Radio X Ed is, as you probably heard from the intro, a little bit under the weather.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I'm poorly, Matthew, so you got to bring the energy today, my friend.

[Ed Gamble]

Happy to do it. Happy do it. I. I am in a festive mood.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got my festive jumper on.

[Matthew Crosby]

You do?

[Ed Gamble]

I'm ready to, you know, I'm ready to start the festive season. Later on, we're going to be opening up the. We can open up the mailbag for the 12 listeners of Thickmas.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's the most exciting time of the year for me.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's put a spring in my step, actually. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

When the listeners will tell us how thick they are and then in three weeks time, I'll sing a song.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes. Of the 12 listeners of Thickness.

[Ed Gamble]

The 12 listeners of Thickmas.

[Matthew Crosby]

You know, I came in this morning, I was feeling a bit down because I'm, you know, not being very well.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Still recovering from whatever I've had. And I saw you and your Christmas jumper and I thought, oh, no.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah. I want to leave now.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. This is awful.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the problem with, you know, with festive cheer. It's horrible.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's horrible. If you're not in the mood for Christmas, it's really upsetting when other people are.

[Ed Gamble]

Just to give you an idea of what Ed looks like right now, he's got a long night cloak on. He's got a candle on a plate. He's sitting in his bed writing his ledger.

[Matthew Crosby]

And he's sitting bar humbling a poor, unfortunate child.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. And not even paying them for the privilege.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, no, no, no, no. They should. Work experience.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. It's an unpaid intern.

[Matthew Crosby]

Opportunities to be beaten up for money in the future. Can I just say as well.

[Ed Gamble]

You can say whatever you like.

[Matthew Crosby]

I know. If that's not true, what do you want us.

[Ed Gamble]

I'll tell you what, guys, get the podcast because we're gonna have Gamble unleashed on the podcast. The stuff that he's not allowed to. This is a. You know, you could get the global player, guys, because the stuff that Gamble's not allowed to say on the radio, he's gonna be saying it on the podcast. It'll be bleep, though.

[Matthew Crosby]

Every time I've told anyone I'm ill, which is a lot. I like to tell people I'm ill.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I've had a lot of. Oh, you've got the lurgie. That's going around. No, I don't I've got my own special thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, It's a unique lurgie.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry, when have you ever been a bandwagon jumper? You're a trailblazer. If anything, you're patient zero. You're starting the new Lurgie that you're gonna be getting in two weeks time.

[Matthew Crosby]

Give me some. I want sympathy, not empathy. Okay, thank you. If you've been ill recently, I don't need to hear about that. I'm the one who's currently ill. Also. I call my mum the other, other day and she went, oh, I know, I'm a bit ill as well. No, you're my mum. You don't get ill. I'm ill. Send me some soup.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. As soon as you become a parent and I speak as a parent, you're no longer allowed to be ill. No. If your kids are ill only actually, no. Even if your kids are.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, if your sweet little kid is.

[Ed Gamble]

Nearly 40 years old, if your sweet little kid is nearly 40 years old, you are not allowed to be ill around them. You know what you can say afterwards after the fact? You can say, oh, do you remember that Christmas? I was actually really ill all the way through Christmas. That's fine.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't need to hear about it at the time.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't need to hear about it at the time.

[Matthew Crosby]

Thank you. And yes, let me complain about having to do my, frankly, very easy job.

[Ed Gamble]

While I'm ill. Would you accept it if your mum had complained to, for example, her parents, if they're still around?

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, they're not.

[Ed Gamble]

They're not. Okay.

[Matthew Crosby]

So I would have been worried. I would have been worried if she'd said, well, I spoke to my parents and told them I meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, I held a seance.

[Matthew Crosby]

We need to have a chat about this.

[Ed Gamble]

I held a seance.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I got the Ouija board out.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And said, mum, I'm ill. And they. And then slowly it spelled out, yes, There's a lot of it going around.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think when I'm ill, and I think this is true of a lot of people, but it's when I'm at my least attractive.

[Ed Gamble]

You look, by the way, you look great.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, no, I'm always. I always look great. But the. Not just the sort of snotty, you know, you can hear my voice has changed a little bit. Not just that, but just me going like, oh, no, I've got to go to Stevenage to do 20 minutes of comedy. Like, I'm going to war.

[Ed Gamble]

To be honest, though, I think it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Was quite a lot Back, I imagined.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. It's like the Somme. I've been to Stevenish.

[Radio X Announcer]

Scoop Daddy and Goujon Mustard.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X, we're gonna do thick Christmas listeners.

[Ed Gamble]

We are gonna do thick Christmas listeners. Yeah. So if you would like to tell us how you're thick.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

In what kind of ways have you been thick? Then text us 83936 on the text. Or you can WhatsApp us through the global player.

[Matthew Crosby]

We've already had one entry, actually, we've.

[Ed Gamble]

Had two entries, in fact.

[Matthew Crosby]

Listeners of thickness. Two entries from the same person who has texted, texted the text number 83936. And they've texted, literally texted the text number. The entire text just says 83936.

[Ed Gamble]

And they sent it twice.

[Matthew Crosby]

And they sent it twice. So we don't know what that person was trying to do. But you have automatically been entered into the 12 listeners of Thickness, first time texter.

[Ed Gamble]

The first time.

[Matthew Crosby]

First time texter.

[Ed Gamble]

Crucially, all, you don't have to text us the number. We know the number.

[Matthew Crosby]

And you know the number.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you're texting.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because you're texting the number. You've obviously heard somewhere text 83936, but you've not taken in any of the other information and you've thought, well, I'll just text 83936.

[Ed Gamble]

Hey, there are competitions going. There are competitions going, I'm sure, that require you to text 283936.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hang on. No, two.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no.

[Matthew Crosby]

We don't mean the number two.

[Ed Gamble]

No. Okay. In fact, it's.

[Matthew Crosby]

Don't try and text the number 283936 because that is not the text number.

[Ed Gamble]

I know a lot of these competitions run across all global stations. Has anyone from Radio X ever won?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's be honest, they haven't, have they? Because we've got the thickest listeners in radio.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, because if you think of all the global listeners, like a big mansion.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, absolutely.

[Matthew Crosby]

The Radio X listeners are the dogs who live in the stable.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I'm so sorry. I will not have that. Our listeners are thicker than dogs. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby on Radio X.

[Radio X Announcer]

Fire in the booth, Pure and simple.

[Ed Gamble]

Just for you.

[Matthew Crosby]

Lightning Seeds. Pure. On Radio X, it's Ed Gambler, Matthew Crosby. We had a lovely text in about that song from Will who said, this song always reminds me of Crosby because I think it's. Because I can imagine him saying it sounds very futuristic.

[Ed Gamble]

You know what? It sounds both futuristic, retro and timeless. That's the wonderful thing about the Lightning Seeds. One of the great. Thank you very much. One of Britain's great bands. I actually think the Lightning Seeds are hugely underrated. They're one of the best bands the Britain's ever produced. I think they're the best band to ever come out of Liverpool. Anyway, let's. Let's talk about Stevenage.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes. I dragged myself to Stevenage for a gig the other night because I'm professional. Even though I was ill, I went to do my concert.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. Just like today, you don't want to be here. You've never wanted to be here for six years.

[Matthew Crosby]

I never, ever want to be here. But more. More and more when I'm ill. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course, of course. It really ramps up.

[Matthew Crosby]

So I went Stevenage. I was like, come on, you know, it's 20 minutes. It's not going to be an issue.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you on at the end, though? Did they put you on at the end?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, of course they put me on the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Matthew, because you're a very.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm a major name in the world of live comedy.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the worst thing. That is the worst thing about getting successful, really. I would imagine.

[Matthew Crosby]

But I would actually. I would say the lineup was very good. So anyone could have gone on at the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Who else was on the bill?

[Matthew Crosby]

Charlie Baker was emceeing.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic.

[Matthew Crosby]

Jake Lambert.

[Ed Gamble]

Wonderful.

[Matthew Crosby]

Rosie Jones, Michelle de Swart. It was a really good role.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, you. Yeah, absolutely. Any one of those people could close.

[Matthew Crosby]

So not only was I on at the end, I've got to deal with the fact that everyone else is good. What you want to see is a load of old pap on before you. Absolutely. So you can be like, we've got puppies.

[Ed Gamble]

Actually, that was the actual name of our sketch.

[Matthew Crosby]

You hope that pappies are going to be on before you. So you can be like, I'll save tonight.

[Ed Gamble]

I'll show them.

[Matthew Crosby]

Finally, a straightforward comedy with no messing around.

[Ed Gamble]

No paper hats.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Anyway, so I arrive at the venue. I think I said, yes, I'd do the gig. Because I was like, I've got some new stuff I wanna try out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

I wanna work through some new stuff. Building a new show that sort of started now. I arrived, looked at the venue Friday night and thought, I can't do any new stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

No, they won't handle it.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's people out for a Friday night. Christmas has started. It's in a sports hall, essentially, I'm use a phrase.

[Ed Gamble]

Were there real people in the audience?

[Matthew Crosby]

There were real people in the audience.

[Ed Gamble]

Was that the problem? Cause you're not used to getting into real people.

[Matthew Crosby]

No. I got the sense these people would not be just seeing behind the curtain of the structure of new material.

[Ed Gamble]

They don't want you to see you bring out a notepad.

[Matthew Crosby]

They don't want the process.

[Ed Gamble]

No. They don't want us. They don't want you to say, is there anything in this? Yeah, that's. They don't want that. They want to see the finished product.

[Matthew Crosby]

They will not laugh the hardest all night at a comedian going, well, that didn't work. Oh, no, they will not enjoy that.

[Ed Gamble]

They'll hate that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, they'll hate that. So I thought, it's tried and tested. So I go on. It's been a long night. They've had a few drinks. I'm not really even connecting with the tried and tested.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, really?

[Matthew Crosby]

But there's enough.

[Ed Gamble]

There's enough of a titter, a murmur going through the mother.

[Matthew Crosby]

But I feel like I'm going through the motions. Yep, they're going through the motions. We've not really met as an audience in act.

[Ed Gamble]

At what point does this realization dawn? Three minutes in, two minutes in?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I'd say so, maybe. Yeah, three or four. Like, the initial bits are going well, then it's. All my stuff's quite long stories.

[Ed Gamble]

Sure.

[Matthew Crosby]

But it's one of those audiences where you're thinking, there's an end. There's a callback at the end of this story. And I'm not sure you're gonna remember what that relates to.

[Ed Gamble]

It's just too much space.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It feels like you want Tim vine, basically.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, exactly. I feel like I'm performing my little show and they're watching my little show.

[Ed Gamble]

The worst. I've had that feeling so many times on stage. The worst feeling where you think, oh, no, this is no different to getting up in front of your parents and doing a little show on Christmas Day.

[Matthew Crosby]

I feel like my movements are all part of my little show. There's no fluidity to anything. It's sort of. It's my fault, I guess, but they're not really engaged in it. Fine. About 15 minutes in. I'm only doing 20. This is a huge room. A woman walks in front of the stage, towards the door.

[Ed Gamble]

Always a good sign with you.

[Matthew Crosby]

A lot of energy, a lot of sass, I'd say, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. More than you had, anyway.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah. So this was funny to me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Obviously I have to reference it. And this is funny, what she says now. She goes, sorry, I've got two kids in a uti. I'VE gotta leave. Great.

[Ed Gamble]

Three great excuses.

[Matthew Crosby]

Love that. So we had a bit of fun with that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yep.

[Matthew Crosby]

I was clearly enjoying it. The audience were enjoying my improvisations. Off the back of that.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Matthew Crosby]

She lives. I was like, fair enough. Absolutely fine. Start the material again. I was like, back to the little show. Back to my little movements. Five minutes left. We can do this. A couple then walking exactly the same way in front of the stage. Furious. Oh, no, Furious. I'd say like middle aged couple. The man looks a bit nerdy. He's angry. As they leave, I say, which is it, kids or uti?

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Matthew Crosby]

Great. The audience are like, fantastic.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a callback, but it was only.

[Matthew Crosby]

A couple of minutes ago. We remember that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

The woman, without turning around or acknowledging me at all, flips me the bird over. No.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no.

[Matthew Crosby]

In an aggressive, not fun way.

[Ed Gamble]

That's not representative Stevenage. There are good people.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's just one person.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think it is. I said, well, given. I won't. She's just flipped me off. I went, given the way you're walking, it's the uti, right? Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got to, at this stage, big laugh. Yeah, exactly. You've got to fight by fire.

[Matthew Crosby]

The sports hall's rocking. I don't know whether you've ever done a gig where 50 minutes in, you hear what a laugh should sound like in the room.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. You're like, oh, I. I could have been ripping this off. I was doing okay.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm doing very well. I thought I was doing well. I was blaming in my head throughout the whole gig. I'm going, the acoustics aren't good in here.

[Ed Gamble]

Bad room, bad room.

[Matthew Crosby]

Then you hear the laugh. You're like, no, that's it. That's. That's the laugh. I was off stage, watching other acts do well and I got on, started my bit and I thought, don't the laugh sound different when you're on stage? Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't the laugh sound different when you're not doing Rosie Jones's material?

[Matthew Crosby]

When you're right in front of the crowd, they sound different to when you're at the side. That's funny, isn't it? Big laugh, right? They start to leave. I'm like, fine, I've got five minutes left. I can probably coast on that laugh till the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Just go back into my little show. Husband turns around, comes back. Oh, no. Stands right in front of me, right in front of the stage, in front of everyone. He's as well lit as I am at this point. And I was like, you're right, mate. He went, that was uncalled for. I went, what? He went, that was uncalled for. I went, she swore at me. I don't think it was uncalled for. It's the joke. You interrupted the show. She flipped me off and I made a joke and everyone laughed. He's like, that was Uncle. Started to go, you are not funny. And that was Uncle. At that point, the entire audience booed the hell out of him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. That's what you want. That is exactly what you want.

[Matthew Crosby]

And I was. They didn't know I was ill, but I was like, thank God for this.

[Ed Gamble]

Honestly, if they can boo for four and a half minutes, I'm outta here.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, essentially, they booed him. He kept trying to. Every time he tried to smoke and say something to me, they all booed him. They were loving. Was like the gladiatorial arena.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what you want. It's the Coliseum.

[Matthew Crosby]

They tore him apart.

[Ed Gamble]

Love it.

[Matthew Crosby]

I felt like the emperor. Which physically tore him apart. Yeah. Oh, God. Dead.

[Ed Gamble]

Like when Ozzy threw the chicken into the audience.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. He was the worst, right? Because he was. Then realized he wasn't gonna win and decided he'd made it. Good. So he turned around and bowed to the audience.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no, no. I help you out, mate.

[Matthew Crosby]

That kind of thing. So he's gone. Yeah. And then the last five minutes of the show were just me talking about what just happened. Running commentary.

[Ed Gamble]

Crucially, the audience so thick they'd forgotten.

[Matthew Crosby]

I honestly tell them the story. Went over it again maybe three or four times, and they were like, yeah, I remember that happening.

[Ed Gamble]

That did happen. I was there. I was at that gig.

[Matthew Crosby]

It was nostalgia two seconds after it had happened.

[Ed Gamble]

Favourite kind.

[Matthew Crosby]

Whilst every so often I would look at my watch and go, three minutes left.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, it sounds fantastic.

[Matthew Crosby]

Merry Christmas, everyone.

[Ed Gamble]

Merry Christmas.

[Matthew Crosby]

Let me tell you, the majority of the British public at this time of year turn. Turn into absolute animals.

[Ed Gamble]

You are the worst.

[Radio X Announcer]

Radio X. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, God, I feel awful. I've got my own special lurgy that no one else has got. Oh, come on. I need something to. I love a barocca. That'll get me going. Vitamin D, maybe. Big mug of water. Lovely. Made a hot toddy the other night. Ooh, that was a nice bit. You're just getting. Pet stopped me, really.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that was. That's. That's the problem. I remember when I was. I had a cold and I thought to myself, why am I so happy? It's 11:00am it's like, oh, I'm drunk.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I've had three hot toddies at 11:00am yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay. That is worrying, that is.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I don't drink anymore now, so.

[Matthew Crosby]

Let'S, you know, sign if you're having a hot toddy in the morning rather than before bed, that's probably a sign.

[Ed Gamble]

I was having loads of them.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I was going through a bottle even when.

[Matthew Crosby]

And preventative as well. Preventative hot toddies.

[Ed Gamble]

I. I didn't have a lot of cold and lots of other diseases. Yeah, all the other ones, but no, no headclouds. Oh, I've got the big one.

[Guest/Producer]

You're having hot toddies in the park, weren't you?

[Ed Gamble]

I was having hot toddies in the park with my friends. Yes. My very good friends actually. The pigeons. Yes, indeed.

[Matthew Crosby]

And the ducks. Anyway, niece needs to really wake me up but he's having big energy here, so let's have a little bit of. I love this sort of stuff. That to me tis the season.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that really. That's your festive banger, Death Doom.

[Matthew Crosby]

And I was used to be really into bands like that and that genre.

[Ed Gamble]

Is called Death Do. Death Do.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it's sort of Death do me.

[Ed Gamble]

Come on, that's two wrongs don't make a right.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I love it and I'm now going to get back into it fully. I think the bands like them. Praying Mantis. Sorry, Lord Mantis, not Praying Mantis.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't. I don't want to hear any of it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

That was. Well, that was absolutely disgusting.

[Radio X Announcer]

Matthew Crosby and Edward Radio X Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

You have had quite the busy weekend, haven't you?

[Matthew Crosby]

Quite a weekend, Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

Quite a weekend. We know you've been, you've been gigging in Stevenage but you've also been on Saturday Kitchen.

[Matthew Crosby]

On Saturday Kitchen. Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

Great.

[Matthew Crosby]

Myself and James Acaster went on Saturday Kitchen.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Now when I go on Saturday Kitchen, I would say I'm sort of respectful. Cheeky middle class boy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, that's your style. That's your style.

[Matthew Crosby]

Unfortunately, when you go in with your friend, you do tend to show off for each other.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bring out the worst in each other. I've always said that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. So I'd say we were disruptive in a fun way. I think everyone in the studio was enjoying it.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I'd love to chat to people who are in the studio.

[Matthew Crosby]

I would say now we are the scourge of middle class Britain.

[Ed Gamble]

Really. Tell me why, what happened?

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, we did Food Heaven versus Food Heaven. There was a public vote for, is.

[Ed Gamble]

It food Heaven versus Food Heaven?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it was on our show.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, so it's food heaven.

[Matthew Crosby]

Normally if you're on by yourself, you do. It's food heaven, Food hell.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Matthew Crosby]

And they vote for which one gets cooked at the end of the show.

[Ed Gamble]

Got it, got it, got it.

[Matthew Crosby]

But this time we both suggested a food heaven and it was food heaven versus food. I had sort of general tapas and James had panettone tiramisu. We had a lot of fun during the show. I was enjoying it. It goes out live. Of course, my food heaven won. And James's reaction was to scream at the top of his voice, flip the Christmas wreath off the table, punch the Christmas polar bear behind him and shake the tree around in anger.

[Ed Gamble]

I think he was justified.

[Matthew Crosby]

Chaotic.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that was a measured response. The panettone sounds delicious.

[Matthew Crosby]

It was live tv. It was chaotic. It was fun. I was like, I'm buzzing after this. What a laugh we had. Everyone afterwards was like, Helen, who's the wine expert, was like, that's the most I've ever laughed on a live broadcast. That was so fun. Matt Tebbit. Loving it. The viewing public of Saturday Kitchen, the ones who post online, did not agree.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no. Have you become an. Has there been an online pylon?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you been publicly shamed?

[Matthew Crosby]

It's so funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Even if it's by Jon.

[Matthew Crosby]

But it's people you think don't exist anymore. People going, james's behavior was disgraceful. He behaved like a four year old. As if he'd actually been angry rather.

[Ed Gamble]

Than clearly being a comedian.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Just being like an over the top reaction for humor. But, you know, not funny. Both of it. And Ed kept interrupting. Matt Tebb.

[Ed Gamble]

I want to know what. How old are these people? Right. Cause didn't you grow up in an era when, you know, Freddie Starr would snap Terry Wogan's microphone in half and blankety blank this.

[Matthew Crosby]

They're not that old, though, some of them.

[Ed Gamble]

This is it, though. You are comedians. You're supposed to behave in a funny way.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, it's funny.

[Ed Gamble]

And it's funny to knock a Christmas wreath over and punch a polar, but.

[Matthew Crosby]

These are funny things. I'm quite angry that I kept interrupting and criticizing Matt Tabitt's presenting style.

[Ed Gamble]

Someone's gotta do it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Saying that he hosted the show like a prison officer. They didn't enjoy that.

[Ed Gamble]

Why do they think that? Saturday Kitchen is a place for decorum. It just doesn't make. That doesn't make any Sense. Does it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I think they tune in for recipes. They tune in for. You're still getting that comfortable chat that I'd say that there wasn't a lot of cooking done in the last bit when they were trying to make my tapas dishes and James came out wrecking the studio.

[Ed Gamble]

Shut up. I've never seen an episode of Saturday Kitchen, but I might watch.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I think you should watch that one. It was very funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it still available on Catch Up?

[Matthew Crosby]

For now, well, I'm.

[Ed Gamble]

There we go. Lovely Saturday Kitchen.

[Matthew Crosby]

You must have seen the Tashinelli sketch.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

So you get the vibe.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and mother Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

Radio X. I always think when I hear Teenagers by My Chemical Romance, it could be the theme tune to a sitcom from the 80s. Yeah, it's got a bad.

[Matthew Crosby]

All the characters. It could be called Teenagers.

[Ed Gamble]

It could be called Teenagers. Yeah, somebody ought to write that. Anyway, this is Ed Gamble and it's Matthew.

[Matthew Crosby]

It should be the 80s.

[Ed Gamble]

It should be. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think in 80s we could, we could, you know, Stranger things. Absolutely huge show, right? A sitcom set in the 80s about teenagers giving away all your. This is a good idea actually. Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna paint it. If only I wasn't so lazy. That's my problem.

[Matthew Crosby]

It could be about all of the in betweeners parents in the 80s.

[Ed Gamble]

I would love to see a Martin Trenaman sitcom. Yeah, I'd absolutely adore to see that. Anyway.

[Matthew Crosby]

And the other ones.

[Ed Gamble]

And the other. And all the other parent. All the other wonderful parents that I don't know. But yes, probably Alex McQueen. Alex McQueen. Yes, of course. Probably Alex McQueen. Yeah, yeah. Would we, would we. Would we young them up using Irishman style technology? Or would we. Or prosthetics? Or would we get actors to play younger versions of themselves?

[Matthew Crosby]

My heart. My heart. No, my head says younger actors.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course.

[Matthew Crosby]

My heart says prosthetics.

[Ed Gamble]

Gotta be prosthetics, hasn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

My heart says Plasticine. Just smoothed over really smooth.

[Ed Gamble]

So they all look like. Basically look like George Hamilton. They've had like loads of. Loads of cosmetic surgery. Yeah, yeah, Very smooth. Love it. Anyway, we're not here to talk about that, folks. We're here to launch the campaign we launch every December, which is the 12 listeners of Thickmas.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Now, in three weeks time, I will sing a song. Yeah, I mean, you know what, to be honest, I'll probably sing a song next week as well. Cause I sing a song most weeks.

[Matthew Crosby]

Probably later on today.

[Ed Gamble]

Probably later on today. I'LL sing a song, but in three weeks time, I'll sing a song where I will sing about the listeners and how thick they are.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, you are very thick listeners and.

[Ed Gamble]

The thick things they've done. So what you need to do, listeners, is tell us your thickest moments, okay? You tell us the times when you have been thick. If you can tell it in as pithy a way as possible, that would be useful for cramming it into the 12 days of Christmas. It was tremendous fun last year.

[Matthew Crosby]

It really was.

[Ed Gamble]

I love doing that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Some of you guys are absolute. You've got mud in your head.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, should we listen to the first mud head of the.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, let's hear that.

[Ed Gamble]

First mud head of the season. This is our dear friend Mr. Mayhem, who's got in touch and he sent us an audio clip, which you're very welcome to do. You don't have to do that. Text 83936 or WhatsApp has through the global player, but Mr. Mayhem has, through the global player, sent an audio clip.

[Mr. Mayhem]

So when I had a newborn baby, probably. Well, she just turned 13. So 13 years ago, I woke up one morning and a really bad headache. So I went downstairs. My mom, this is when we lived at my mum's, she says, you're headaches. I'll take some ibuprofen. But you can't have it on an empty stomach, so you need to have a biscuit or something with it. So next thing my mum knows, she can hear heaving behind her. She turns around. I've tried to treat the ibuprofen tablet with a biscuit, as she had instructed me to.

[Matthew Crosby]

There we go. He literally chewed the ibuprofen tablet down on top of a biscuit. I'm imagining he just popped it on top of a biscuit.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd like to imagine he. Yeah, he put it on a biscuit. He got a big glass of water and tried to swallow the biscuit whole. That's how I'm imagining it.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's either one, isn't it? It's either one.

[Ed Gamble]

Either way, he's a man who can't eat a biscuit without choking. So that is exactly what we're after. Mr. Mayhem, you are in with a bullet thick.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Our number one thicko of the season, Mr. Mayhem. Do get in touch, guys. We'd love to hear more.

[Matthew Crosby]

He could be knocked off the song, though. Oh, yeah, because we only need 12. So if you are thicker than eating an ibuprofen with a biscuit because your mum told you to not have an ibuprofen on an empty stomach?

[Ed Gamble]

You're old enough to have a child and yet you don't know how to take an ibuprofen? What is going on?

[Radio X Announcer]

Mr. Mayhem, masque crobly and Radio Ed. Radio X. I don't know.

[Matthew Crosby]

We've just had this in from Lisa. Matthew, let me read this one for you.

[Ed Gamble]

Hello, Lisa.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't know if it's Lisa from Ablisa. Maybe. What's.

[Ed Gamble]

What's Ablisa?

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, we'll discuss that another day. Do you remember Ablisa? I was thinking about them the other day when I was 35. I got my first leather sofa. As the salesman explained about the leather quality and where it had come from, I was shocked. As I. As I had always thought that leather only came from crocodiles.

[Ed Gamble]

What?

[Matthew Crosby]

What?

[Listener Alex]

What?

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry, so you thought everyone 35. Everybody's walking around with a. With a crocodile belt and Jimmy nail style crocodile shoes. Is this what you. This is Lisa.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm that's making the sound.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm shook.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah, that's in.

[Ed Gamble]

Lisa, thank you so much. You've absolutely made our day there.

[Matthew Crosby]

Ablisa were on X Factor and they were very bad singers. And then they had an argument on stage and one of them hit the other one.

[Ed Gamble]

I didn't know that. I know the exact girls you're talking about. Yeah, bad. I didn't know they were called Ablisa.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Lisa. Lisa. Are you Lisa from Ablisa? Please do get back in touch if you can work out your phone. That's amazing. That's fantastic. We've had this one in from. This is from Adam in Manchester.

[Matthew Crosby]

I've done this.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you done this?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you done this before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Morning, guys. I once punched myself in the groin because I dropped my keys and snatched down my arm and didn't stop in time, resulting in me winding. Resulting in me winding on my front for five minutes from Adam in Manchester. Punching yourself in the groin. That's bad.

[Matthew Crosby]

Playing table tennis.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Matthew Crosby]

Went for a big swipe of the ball, missed it completely. Smashed. Smashed myself in the nuts with my table tennis bat.

[Ed Gamble]

You ping ponged yourself?

[Matthew Crosby]

I ping pong myself.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you ever ping ponged yourself? Guys, get in touch. That is exactly. That is exactly what we're after. 83936 on the texter. Of course you can WhatsApp us through the global player. Keep those coming in. We should say as well, we got this in from Sam from Stockport. This is absolutely nuts because we're going to play. We're going to play the Strokes in just a little bit, but Sam from Stockport says it was one of your shows that made me realize that the Strokes album cover is a bum and not a very smooth knee.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's lovely as well, because it's. It's. It's relevant and it's on the screen now, actually.

[Ed Gamble]

We can see it on the screen.

[Matthew Crosby]

And actually, if you look at it as a knee, it could be a knee, but with a hand sort of very weirdly placed on. Could be. Do you see what I mean?

[Ed Gamble]

I think that. I think the hand is too small for the.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yeah. Well, it must be someone else's hand. Someone else's hand on a big knee.

[Ed Gamble]

But you know what? It's a nice little test to see how pervy you are, isn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you see a rabbit? Do you see a crying old lady? Do you see a bunny?

[Matthew Crosby]

Is that a shadow or a little bit of hair? Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, let's not. Let's not go too far down the back of the knee.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hench.

[Radio X Announcer]

Old and peculiar Radio X.

[Ed Gamble]

This one. Who is this one in from?

[Guest/Producer]

This is from Joe, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, Joe, we've had another. Another audio clip. You can send it as text. That's fine. But if you want to send an audio clip, that's great. This is from Joe.

[Listener Joe]

Joe here. I believe I might have been the creator of this thickest list.

[Guest/Producer]

Can I just say, thank God it was Joe, because we both said, I think it's Joe. Joe, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

And then she says, joe. Yeah, Very qualified.

[Listener Joe]

Joe here. I believe I might have been the creator of this thickest listener series after I messaged producer in last year to tell him he'd played Bowling for Soup twice. Anyway, it gets better. I recently found out that betting on a horse each way doesn't mean that you bet on it for it to run there and back.

[Matthew Crosby]

Astonishing.

[Ed Gamble]

I love it. Fantastic.

[Matthew Crosby]

Imagine if the grand national, one of them turned around and ran all the way back. Back.

[Ed Gamble]

They should do it. Because I tell you what, it's better.

[Matthew Crosby]

Than the reality of them, which is most of them are dead.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, that's right.

[Matthew Crosby]

You should be able to bet on that, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no. Because no one would take the bet, would they? Most of them die.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, no, no. Which one's gonna die?

[Ed Gamble]

Should you.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Which one looks the most peaky? Which one can't handle a fall? Yeah, yeah. I would like to see them do the race backwards. Cause I like the idea of, like, steeple jumping. Jumping back, you know? Cat. A horse jump backwards.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, so you're imagining when you might be thicker than Joe, that when she says that they go all the way there and then come all the way back. You're imagining coming backwards.

[Ed Gamble]

They reverse.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

They don't turn the horse around.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's not what she meant.

[Ed Gamble]

They reverse and they know that backwards over the hedges.

[Matthew Crosby]

You must know she didn't mean that.

[Ed Gamble]

I know she didn't mean that. But wouldn't you love to see it?

[Matthew Crosby]

I would love to see it. Of course. And they beep when they go backwards.

[Ed Gamble]

This horse is reversing. Keep those coming in 83936 on the text. Or of course you can WhatsApp us us through the global player. Gareth in London says, I broke my electric kettle by using it to heat my milk for my morning wheat a bit. I'm told that's the thickest thing I've ever done. I think it is, Gaz. I think it is, mate. Yes, indeed. Should we do some more or can we?

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, let's have some more. These are great.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want to do David Cook's one? I like this one.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, absolutely. David Cook. David from pool. Morning, guys. I have to confess my most extreme case of thickness. I used to believe when walking past the post box, that the, er, written on the top was shorthand for Her Majesty. So it was just Her Majesty.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't have thought that, David.

[Matthew Crosby]

Unbelievable. Rather than what I later learned to be. Yes, Elizabeth Regina. Which is funny in itself.

[Ed Gamble]

Elizabeth Regina's a funny name, isn't it? Yeah, it's a funny name already.

[Radio X Announcer]

Radio X. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

She can be free.

[Radio X Announcer]

Radio X Record of the year 2025.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, indeed.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's that time of year, Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

It is that time of year again. Now, you know this already, but every week at Radio X we name a record of the week. And at the end of the year, we ask you to pick your favorite to crown the Radio X Record of the Year. Every record of the week is eligible.

[Listener Alex]

That.

[Ed Gamble]

That Will Fallis song. That's eligible. That's so eligible. That is so unbelievably eligible. The Sofa could be your record of the year if you want it. What's your record of the year, Ed? What are you.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I'm looking at the. We've got some examples here.

[Ed Gamble]

Short list here.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, some great stuff. Wet Leg, Catch these Fists.

[Ed Gamble]

Hayley Williams, Parachute. That's my choice.

[Matthew Crosby]

Of course.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a good song.

[Matthew Crosby]

Sam Fender and Olivia Dean reign me in. You know, there's some Great records of the week that are all Eddie's. But also what a lot of people don't realize is everything's eligible.

[Ed Gamble]

Every single song that you.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because we like to promote our own one here, don't we?

[Ed Gamble]

Are Pfister eligible this year?

[Matthew Crosby]

Fister? I'm not sure. Are Fister eligible?

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, that's a real shame.

[Matthew Crosby]

Catch these fists is. I'm hoping for a wet leg Fister collab.

[Ed Gamble]

Catch these Fister.

[Matthew Crosby]

Catch these fisters.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, please.

[Matthew Crosby]

But I thinking what's really put a spring in my step this year? It's Shut up in your face by Joe Dolph.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yes, please, you're speaking my language.

[Matthew Crosby]

So maybe that is the record of the week and record of the year.

[Ed Gamble]

Now listen, I love Sombre. Of course I do. Yeah, of course I do. And I think Undress is a fantastic song. Yeah, but is it as good as Joe Dolce? Shut up in your face? I don't think it is.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't think it is.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think it is. So, you know, we're not really supposed to be cooking the books here at Radio X, but we're gonna be pushing yes for Joe Dolce is shut up of your face over Pulp's Spike island this year.

[Matthew Crosby]

And best of British.

[Ed Gamble]

It's absolutely the best of British.

[Matthew Crosby]

This isn't Best of British, is it? This? No, but different thing.

[Guest/Producer]

Nice to have a concerted effort.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, yes, indeed. Now, of course it's not Best of British. Somber's not British, is he? Is he British?

[Matthew Crosby]

Is he not? Well, I know actually he can't spell Somber. Must be a second language.

[Ed Gamble]

Been through the British schooling system. Have your say on global player now, where you can also refresh your memory on every track with the Radio X record of the year 2024 playlist. Sounds good. Voting closes 12pm on Friday 19th December. And on New Year's Eve from 1pm, Izzy will count down every track and reveal the record you have crowned your number one, by which we mean shut up at your face. What's the matter you? Hey. Fantastic. Oh my God. Well, that's. I tell you what, that's next week's intro sorted. It simply has to move.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radio X. We have the thickest listeners in radio, Will.

[Ed Gamble]

Who says? I'm not sure if it's thick or over enthusiastic, but yesterday I bought a bottle of Advocar ready for the Pappy's live stream tomorrow.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're doing a little live stream?

[Ed Gamble]

Haven't drunk for six months now. I'm gonna. I'm gonna just take that at face value.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

This is not. He's not relapsing here.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, no, no.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm just assuming he just hasn't been on the booze for a little bit, thinks he's gonna have a little. A little Christmas tipple.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's.

[Ed Gamble]

That's totally fine. But, yes, I'm in a sketch team called Pappy's.

[Matthew Crosby]

And we're not a sketch team anymore.

[Ed Gamble]

We're not really a sketch team anymore.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're a podcast empire.

[Ed Gamble]

We're a podcast empire and we're doing our Christmas show, our big Christmas show. It's the absolute event of the season. It really is. We do a live Flats Landown. It's a fun panel show and we are live streaming it this year. The tickets for the actual live event completely sold out. You won't be able to get in. It's at the Underbelly Boulevard in Soho. But if you go to Pappy's comedy.com live, you can see the whole thing unfurl. Fantastic guest this year.

[Matthew Crosby]

Always brilliant. It's always fun.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got Nish Kumar, we've got Amy, Annette now. It's. The idea is it's sort of like. Sort of flatmates warring against each other. Yeah, but they are literal flatmates. Well, they are a couple. Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Can you say flatmates then?

[Ed Gamble]

We still say flatmates. Even if it's. What? Even if it's wife and kids.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, flatmates. Flatmates, yeah. Everyone's flatmates.

[Ed Gamble]

Everybody's a flatmate.

[Matthew Crosby]

We're flatmates right now because we're in the same room currently.

[Ed Gamble]

Flatmates. The three of us are flatmates. Exactly. But yeah, Pappy's Comedy.com, if you would like to live stream that, that is at 7:00 clock tomorrow night.

[Guest/Producer]

Do you think of your kids as flatmates? Does it extend to your kids?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I see myself as the landlord.

[Matthew Crosby]

They're bad flatmates as well.

[Ed Gamble]

They're mine, really. Tenants.

[Guest/Producer]

I'm not pulling their weight.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, no, they are causing a lot of. The other day yesterday. Right. Basically, we're worried about what to get them for Christmas because you know what? They like to play with sofa cushions and bowls and it's like, well, we've got those.

[Matthew Crosby]

You got those.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got those already.

[Matthew Crosby]

Same as their own one.

[Ed Gamble]

Getting their own sofa. Yeah, they've got their own sofa. It's disgusting.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, God.

[Ed Gamble]

The orange sofa is their sofa.

[Matthew Crosby]

It wasn't orange when it started.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, absolutely. It was.

[Matthew Crosby]

It was opposite Dust.

[Ed Gamble]

It was. Yeah. It's always pure cheetos. Cheetos as far as the eye can see. You sit down there and there's a big cloud comes up.

[Matthew Crosby]

Cheetos. Now for kids.

[Ed Gamble]

No, my kids aren't even onto. They're not really. It'll be pom bears. That's what my kids.

[Matthew Crosby]

Kids love pombos. Kids get given pombos.

[Ed Gamble]

Kids love pom bears. If you go to. If you go to any day out, whether it's a children's farm, whether it's a museum and you get the little cardboard box, you can do little puzzles on the side. You've got a packet of pomberts in there. You've got a yogurt and you've got a.

[Matthew Crosby]

Why is that? Is that healthier?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Matthew Crosby]

Are pomberts healthier?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Matthew Crosby]

They go gummy immediately in the mouth.

[Ed Gamble]

It's because they're easier to chew for little mouths.

[Guest/Producer]

If pomberts are listening, get involved.

[Matthew Crosby]

You love anything like that. Pombert's billy bear ham. You love that, don't you?

[Guest/Producer]

I don't like billy bear ham.

[Ed Gamble]

You must like billy bear ham.

[Matthew Crosby]

You like anything with a bear's face.

[Guest/Producer]

Billy bear ham's scary. The bear's too big.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. And the face goes all the way through.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. The length of the log.

[Matthew Crosby]

A billy bear face log.

[Ed Gamble]

Billy bear is one of the most terrifying things. Why have they not, like. Why have they not done a like, you know, that's five nights at Freddy's.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You could definitely do a five nights at freddy's with the billy bear.

[Matthew Crosby]

They keep coming up with good ideas and ruining them.

[Ed Gamble]

I know. On the radar by giving them out to everybody else.

[Guest/Producer]

And the caterpillar could come in and fight him.

[Ed Gamble]

This is good.

[Matthew Crosby]

But he doesn't go all the way through. His face doesn't go all the way through, so.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, yeah, that's true.

[Matthew Crosby]

They could split into loads of. Of slices and then just chop his head off.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah. Overwhelm him.

[Ed Gamble]

That would be a good death.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

To see him go face to face with Colton just. Just tears the face off. You can tear his face if he's got another face behind it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, we will not be back next week, unfortunately, because we are going to Hollywood.

[Ed Gamble]

We're going to. Is it blumhouse?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, we're going to blumhouse.

[Ed Gamble]

We're going to. We're going to the guys at bloom house.

[Guest/Producer]

I call them blumhouse.

[Ed Gamble]

We're going to the blumhouse boys.

[Matthew Crosby]

Went to the blumhouse boys. Terry blumhouse we are buying the right rights to Billy Bear Ham in a post Barbie universe. Anything like that?

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely, yeah. Because there wasn't there talk of, like, Leonard Dunham doing the Polly Pocket movie immediately afterwards.

[Matthew Crosby]

Monopoly film.

[Ed Gamble]

The Monopoly film, exactly. Of course, the Kool Aid movie from the studio.

[Matthew Crosby]

We know Vin Diesel's doing The Fighting Robots 1.

[Ed Gamble]

Rock and Sock and robots. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely. We want the Billy Bear Ham horror movie to Happen. Anyway, it's PappyComedy.com forward/live, if you would like to get the live stream.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what we're talking about.

[Matthew Crosby]

And I love pompous Top Trumps the movie.

[Ed Gamble]

Top Trumps. The movie's a great idea. This is Primal Scream.

[Radio X Announcer]

Robbie J and the Machine, Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is from Gareth. The first time I threw a javelin in pe, the back end of it smacked me in the back of the head as I released it. It really hurt. Thanks, Gareth.

[Ed Gamble]

Is this from Andy the Painter? This one after my daughter. Is that. It's not Mandy the Painter, who's this one from? But it's from an anonymous texter who says, after my daughter left home, I dug out her bike from the shed. It needed fixing as the handlebars had moved, so I couldn't ride it. I carried it to the repair shop. He looked at it and laughed. Just swung the front wheel around so it was facing the right way.

[Matthew Crosby]

Fantastic.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you very much, by the way. You know, I. They're all ready. Especially my local. My local bike shop. They're all ready. They think everyone is an idiot.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, well, that. But that's for reasons like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is from Sammy. This is absolutely outstanding.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I love this one from Sammy.

[Matthew Crosby]

When asked in the airport what I was most excited about when going on safari to Kenya, my response was to try a proper traditional curry, only to be told that Kenya was in Africa and not in India, like I thought. Safe to say geography's not my strong point. Also, how is that what you're looking forward to most when you're going on safari? Probably Ebra curry.

[Ed Gamble]

Probably was Ebra curry.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Proper go to India, then.

[Matthew Crosby]

Proper traditional.

[Ed Gamble]

But Sammy didn't know. No, Sammy didn't realize.

[Matthew Crosby]

But also you're choosing to go on safari.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Guest/Producer]

That's the wrong holiday.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Also, there's some cultural crossover, isn't there? A huge amount of. There is immigration and, you know, there's, you know, a lot of shed.

[Guest/Producer]

You think Sammy was aware of that?

[Matthew Crosby]

No, I don't think so. I think Sammy thought that The Kenya was in. In India, I think maybe Sammy. I. I'm gonna be generous. Maybe Sammy had a friend with Indian parents who grew up in Kenya. Yeah, okay. Maybe that's what happened. Or maybe they're thick as hell.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radio X Hat hat.

[Matthew Crosby]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby with you until 11am which is not that far off. Just telling you that it's not that far off because a lot of you are thick.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

And you can't read a clock. You probably don't have a watch.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I can't tell the time.

[Matthew Crosby]

And if you do, you've put it on the wrong hat hand and forgotten it's there.

[Ed Gamble]

Put it on your ankle or something like that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, you've wiped. You've wiped your bum. It's falling off into the toilet.

[Ed Gamble]

Honestly, it's pathetic. Yes, it's pathetic. What a gang you are. But we love it. So. Yes, it's the 12 listeners of Thickness. We've had this message in from Alex. It's another audio file. Yes, please.

[Listener Alex]

Good morning. Sorry, it's another voice note. This is Alex here. I'm driving to Devon today to help my mum move to Scotland. And I dropped my partner, her off at the train station so she could go to work. This is in Wales. I'm now in Devon. I've just tried ringing her to tell her that she doesn't need to buy a certain pair of curtains. And I got confused because I heard a noise ringing in the car. She's left her phone in the car and she doesn't have a bank card on her. So I've left her stranded at a train station in the middle of nowhere in the Valleys of Wales. We have no way to get to work or get home. She might kill me. But she left the phone.

[Matthew Crosby]

Wow. Wait. I mean, is that thick?

[Ed Gamble]

Is that thick? Or is that just a really worrying situation?

[Matthew Crosby]

Also, Alex's day is crazy. Going from the Valleys of Wales to Devon to help their mum move to Scotland. Mum, come on. What are you doing?

[Ed Gamble]

What a tour.

[Matthew Crosby]

What's Mum up to? Moving from Devon to Scotland.

[Ed Gamble]

Also the fact that you didn't realize until you had to call to talk about a specific. You mustn't buy a specific pair of. You mustn't buy a certain pair of curtains.

[Guest/Producer]

That's what I want to know about.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, good luck buying any curtains. You don't have a phone or bank. Always take your bank cards, guys.

[Ed Gamble]

You're gonna get made into a pair of curtains is what's gonna happen to you.

[Guest/Producer]

It's a warning though, like. It's a warning about there's a pair of curtains out there that you must not buy.

[Ed Gamble]

Haunted curtains.

[Guest/Producer]

Cursed curtains.

[Ed Gamble]

Haunted curtains, yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Not sure that'll make the 12 listeners of Thickmas Song. Because we wanna make sure everyone's safe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

If you are. If you do happen to be in Wales and you see.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

And you see a sort of lost looking lady.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's Alex's partner.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Just if you could. Fine. If you could help them and lend.

[Matthew Crosby]

Them your phone or train or just something. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Just get them back to Blighty.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is from Sarah in Reading. This is a bit more on safe ground. Morning, guys. I'm 48 and I only realized about two years ago that the actor Ray Liotta wasn't in fact called Rayleigh Otter. First name Rayleigh. Second name Otter. As in the animal otter.

[Ed Gamble]

This is like my brother who was like, how come? Right. All other sirs are men, right. Apart from Sir Corny Weaver.

[Matthew Crosby]

That can't be true.

[Ed Gamble]

He was little when he said it.

[Matthew Crosby]

But that's not sick. That's small.

[Ed Gamble]

That's just. That's not thick. I've heard that before. So we've had this one from. From Caroline Keane who says whilst traveling on the train, was travelling on the train through the disused station at King's Cross, I said to my husband, I didn't think you could smoke on the trains anymore. Whilst looking at the sign saying do not alight here.

[Matthew Crosby]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

But surely if the signs do not alight.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that's double thick.

[Matthew Crosby]

Double thick.

[Ed Gamble]

It's double thick.

[Matthew Crosby]

Double thick. An anonymous listener. This is great, but this doesn't feel thick. It just seems like you socially messed up. Once went to Mackie's drive through with my mate. Paid cashier lady said, do you want a receipt? I said, no thanks and drove off. Mate started laughing his head off. Turns out the poor cashier said, have a good day. And I'd said, no thanks and driven away.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, by the way, no thanks is a great response.

[Matthew Crosby]

Have a good day.

[Ed Gamble]

No, than that was from Rob, actually. Then sent him another message because he forgot to put. Cuz he's thick. He forgot to put his name in the message.

[Matthew Crosby]

I forgot his name.

[Ed Gamble]

He sent a message saying, my name is Rob.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, my name is Rob. And I. I saw that one. I thought it was just an individual standalone text. Didn't know it related to something else.

[Ed Gamble]

It does sound like my name is Rob. My name is Rob. My name is Rob.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well done.

[Ed Gamble]

Have a good Day. No, thank you. No, thank you. My name is Rob, by the way.

[Matthew Crosby]

Mackie's.

[Ed Gamble]

By the way, next time. Next time somebody says to you, have a good day, you've got to say, no, thank you. My name is Rob.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, folks, my name is Rob, but Mackie's.

[Radio X Announcer]

D's, Bill and Matthew, Radio X. Jimbo.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely belt and braces our friend Jimbo, because Jim sent us an audio message and then put it into a text as well. So thank you very much, Jim. Jim.

[Matthew Crosby]

And messed up both of them.

[Ed Gamble]

The audio message. Right. And I think Jimbo knows this. The audio message was a full podcast episode in itself.

[Guest/Producer]

Should I play you a little bit of the audio? Just a little bit?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, go on. Let's hear a little bit of Jimbo's audio. I'm in my 50s, went to the cinema in the States, and of course.

[Matthew Crosby]

We know that.

[Ed Gamble]

Q. Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

So there you go. That's the sort of thing we're talking about.

[Ed Gamble]

By the way, he's not talking about q as in QAnon. Because that, by the way, sounds like every podcast I listen to a. A confused American man talking about Q. But no, he's talking about Cure Bond. Cure Bond, exactly. Cure Bond. Exactly. Jim from Scotland, but originally from the USA for 30 years, I thought they were calling Dame Judi Dench Q in the James Bond. In James Bond. Mom.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I didn't realize it was madam with the accent. And then he's texted again to say marm, not madam.

[Ed Gamble]

Marm with the accent. Yes.

[Guest/Producer]

Isn't it M not Q?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, it's M. Jimbo, mate.

[Ed Gamble]

Jimbo, mate. Jimbo.

[Matthew Crosby]

You better shot Jimbo. It's not pith. You are the thick person who's got the contact today.

[Ed Gamble]

But we can't do an entire song about you, Jimbo. Yeah, but we're gonna.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it's not pithy enough to get into the song. You're so thick. But it's Jim Bowen. You can't make it into this song.

[Ed Gamble]

The great thing, as well, as he tells us in the message, his name's Jim Bowen. Yeah, like the bloke. Like the. Like the bloke, of course, from. Well, you can't beat a bit of bully, can you? Anyway, one night I told my wife from Scotland how respectful it was to call her mom.

[Matthew Crosby]

Why is that respectful?

[Ed Gamble]

Cause, I guess.

[Matthew Crosby]

Cause this is a mess. What a way to end the show.

[Ed Gamble]

And she looked at me like I had three heads and spent the rest of the night laughing at me. And still does. And still does. When a Bond Movie comes on. The television. If you're still watching terrestrial TV and a Bond movie comes on.

[Matthew Crosby]

Are we saying bye now?

[Ed Gamble]

I think we should.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think we should.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you, Jimbo. You've ruined the show. We were having such a nice time, Jimbo, and you came along and you absolutely ruined it. You blustered in at the last minute, like the Americans always do. Like you did in World War II.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. And then you're gonna claim victory.

[Ed Gamble]

And then you're gonna claim victory. Listen, this is not for you. This is for us, our brave boys. He's having a lovely. He's having a lovely corn cake.

[Matthew Crosby]

Corn cake. One of my favourite snacks, even though I can't actually taste at the moment.

[Ed Gamble]

But you can't taste anything.

[Matthew Crosby]

One of my favorite textures. And let me tell you, I thought I did very well on Saturday kitchen, pretending that all the food was nice. Couldn't taste any of it.

[Listener Joe]

Couldn't taste.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, that's such a shame.

[Matthew Crosby]

I could tell it was good, though.

[Ed Gamble]

You could tell from the way it looked. I mean, obviously you could tell from the mouth feel of it. Did you ever use that phrase?

[Matthew Crosby]

No. I've clocked off now.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, all right.

[Guest/Producer]

No, I've noticed. I'm just waiting. Cause if we finish now, we'll be bang on time.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Well, what a wonderful show it was. See you next week. And of course, [e-mail] if you want to get in touch with your thickness, your big, thick.

[Radio X Announcer]

Radio X. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is the outro bit now, Matthew, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So that was.

[Matthew Crosby]

That was show. This is where we just do a bit of chat. Little bit of exclusive content.

[Ed Gamble]

Little bit of a chat. Yes. And. And we also do our Beckham Beckenham recommendations.

[Matthew Crosby]

Beckenham recommendations.

[Ed Gamble]

Rex, have you done anything this week? Have you. It feels you've been working a lot. Have you? Have you. Have you. Have you consumed any culture this week?

[Matthew Crosby]

I have, actually, because also I've been very ill. So I did have one day where I was just at home.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course. Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

And I watched the entire chair company.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you?

[Matthew Crosby]

I watched the whole series.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, Vic, that's. That's on hold in our house because Charlie found it too stressful.

[Matthew Crosby]

What are you talking about?

[Ed Gamble]

We've got.

[Matthew Crosby]

How does she exist in the world?

[Ed Gamble]

How does she make television? Crucially?

[Matthew Crosby]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

She can't. Does somebody also. Is someone also sick in the first episode? I think. Is someone sick in it first?

[Matthew Crosby]

So hang on, you're one episode in.

[Ed Gamble]

We're one episode in, too Stressful.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ed Gamble]

And I think I've been. We've been told or she's been told that it gets more stressful because it's a.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because that's how narrative arcs work.

[Ed Gamble]

And she's like, well, I couldn't stand. I couldn't handle the first episode. So I don't think so. I will watch it, but I'll watch it on my time.

[Matthew Crosby]

The end is mad.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it?

[Matthew Crosby]

The end is so funny because it builds up like it's gonna be this huge thing, and then it's so weird.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Okay, great. Great.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think they've got another season as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic. Well, I will. I'll watch the rest of that, and it's great. I'll get back to you.

[Matthew Crosby]

So huge wreck for that. I went to see Wake Up Dead man, the new Knives Out Mystery.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, great. Really fun. How's that?

[Matthew Crosby]

Really fun. I'm glad I went to see it in the cinema as well. I think there's something fun about watching it at home all cozy. It feels Christmassy.

[Ed Gamble]

Y.

[Matthew Crosby]

But it's brilliant. I love the first two. Loved this one. Some stunning performances in it. Josh o' Connor and Glenn Close and obviously Daniel Craig.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd love to go to the flicks. I'd love to go back to the flicks. I've not been to the flicks. You know, all my trips to the. To the pictures are. I mean, Gabby's Dollhouse movie was the last thing I saw, and very good.

[Matthew Crosby]

Could be a kids film. Could be a porno.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a kids film. It's a kids film. Jason Mantzoukas in it. Brilliant.

[Matthew Crosby]

Great. Could be a kids film.

[Ed Gamble]

Kristen Wiig, Gloria Estefan. What a cast.

[Matthew Crosby]

That is a cast.

[Ed Gamble]

It is a cast. It was. I enjoyed the hell out of that. But, yeah, I'd love to get. I'd love to get back to the flicks.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, well, that's. That would be a good thing to see at the flicks, but I think it is on Netflix very, very soon. Also watched Nobody Touched. Oh, yeah, the Bob Odenkirk.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Now franchise, I guess it's brilliant. They just know what you want from an action film. And I, at one point, I was like, oh, they've just introduced the big baddie, who's played by Sharon Stone, Amazingly played by Sharon Stone. I was like, oh, God, they've only just introduced the baddie. And it's like, we're like 45 minutes in. It's gonna be a long film because you're used to the films being long, I checked. 40 minutes left. It's an hour and a half.

[Ed Gamble]

Love it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Perfect.

[Ed Gamble]

That is the exact length the film should be. Somewhere between 83 and 93 minutes is all you need.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Yeah. And it's fantastic. They just know. They just put it in a setting where, you know there's gonna be some stupid deaths and big fights. Bob Odenkirk's fantastic. I totally buy him as an action star.

[Ed Gamble]

What a career.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, Just.

[Ed Gamble]

I just. I look at his career and think, you've just. You nailed it, didn't you? SNL, the Ben Stiller Show, Mr. Show, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul. Now that you know. Now an action hero. What an insane career.

[Matthew Crosby]

Walking around at the Edinburgh Festival like nobody knows who. He. Yeah. Stood in the middle of a packed Pleasance courtyard going, just hanging out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, every single person in the courtyard is going, that's Bob Odenkirk.

[Ed Gamble]

Holy crap, That's Bob Odenko.

[Matthew Crosby]

Don't go and say anything to him. He's got a good aura of. Don't approach me, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Really?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

He's not an approach.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, but he looks nice.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, unfairly, but he doesn't look.

[Matthew Crosby]

But he just looks like a man living his life. So you don't want to approach him.

[Ed Gamble]

I wouldn't know what to say. I, I just think.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I think the movie, there's that as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, because.

[Ed Gamble]

What are you gonna say? Because I, I, I. I once ran into Michael McKean and I told him, much of a fan I was, and I came away thinking I didn't fit. Do you know what I felt? It felt like I went, I recognize you, you know. You know, when you. You want to say your stuff has been so important.

[Matthew Crosby]

Michael McKean, he's a big. Is so lovely and loves British comedy. Well, I know, because probably knows who you are.

[Ed Gamble]

The next time I saw him, he came over to. To the table because I was having dinner with Josh. He wanted to tell me how much he loved MOT the Week. Absolutely insane. The guy from loves Mop the Week.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Nutty.

[Matthew Crosby]

Also, I quickly recommend an album that I'm enjoying.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, please.

[Matthew Crosby]

Pogo Rodeo by the Psychedelic Porn Crumpets.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's really good. Is it out? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Pogo Rodeo. Psychedelic porn crumpets.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. It's a great album.

[Ed Gamble]

What's the story behind the psychedelic porn crumbs? I feel like they're riffy.

[Guest/Producer]

They're big riffy Aussies.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. I think somebody recommended them to me the other day.

[Listener Alex]

Day.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. I've listened to and now for the Watch and we call it.

[Guest/Producer]

They're sort of King Gizzard and Pond adjacent. I would say.

[Matthew Crosby]

They're very. It's very, very fun. It's a really good album.

[Ed Gamble]

Great. Have you, have you changed your mind on whether or not Taylor Swift's new album's good?

[Guest/Producer]

That's awful. It's weirdly in a lot of the. The end of year lists.

[Matthew Crosby]

It was massive.

[Ed Gamble]

It was absolutely rubbish. It was absolutely huge.

[Guest/Producer]

It's really bad, though.

[Ed Gamble]

I got some. I got some sort of like slightly bad professional news this week and I listened to Life, the actual song Life of a Showgirl on repeat for my entire commute into work. And I believe that puts me in the naught 1% of mentally ill people because I was just like, oh, God, this is the life of the. This is the life of a showgirl.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. You are living.

[Guest/Producer]

What is the life of a show.

[Ed Gamble]

That you get knocked back. This is what happens. No, that's getting knocked down. And I. Yeah. But you know what? Also worse to live by us. I get up again.

[Guest/Producer]

That's the end of the podcast, I think.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

It's good enough. I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely.

[Matthew Crosby]

So you're. I've. I've bet wrecked a series, a film, an album, and you're going with a Taylor Swift song.

[Ed Gamble]

One Taylor Swift song that she does with Sabrina Carpenter, which makes me. Which makes me happy when I feel sad. No, I. I can't back rec this to you because you're gonna laugh at me because when I back wrecked their album, you were like, hang on, you've.

[Matthew Crosby]

Already back racked one Taylor Swift song, which is famously the worst song on the album.

[Ed Gamble]

That isn't the worst song on the album. The one big Travis Kelce's is. That's the worst one on the album. Wood. That is demonstrably the worst song on the album. Life for Showgirl is a real high point of a wonderful album. Now I've started listening to the audiobook of Evan Dando's memoir and actually, and I know anytime I mention the lemonades, you're like, you sad old.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's less embarrassing than the Taylor Swift thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Really?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you think so?

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, it's more fitting with you. I find it creepy when you talk about modern popular.

[Guest/Producer]

This is old Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

And because now you now new Crosby.

[Ed Gamble]

Is all into my brat summer. But yeah, I think it's absolutely brilliant. It starts with him at Martha's Vineyard trying to quit heroin and his teeth are all falling out and you're like, yeah, this is how a rock memoir should begin.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's the life of a showgirl.

[Ed Gamble]

That is. Evan Dando has lived the life of a showgirl. Yeah. Fantastic. It's really, really good. Rumours Of My Demise is the name of the book. All right, have a lovely week, everyone. Everybody have a great. Oh, by the way, do Send in Sunday radiox.co.uk do send in your thick moments.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Because we're doing. We're doing a prereq. We do a prereq next week.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So we need a bunch of them. So loads and loads of thick moments. The pithier the better guys, you know, if you can. If you can fit it in three lines, that's perfect for us. Not the Song of the Light.

[Matthew Crosby]

If you want to send a voice note, email a voice note as well.

[Ed Gamble]

If you want to email a voice note. Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

We just had another audio clip.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Matthew Crosby]

Can't wait.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. All right.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, in fact, let's play this one out without listening to it first.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think we're allowed. I think that might. There may be problems with that, but I'm up for it.

[Guest/Producer]

Well, you won't get in trouble.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, cool. Let's do it then.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

All right. Have a wonderful week, everybody. See you soon. Bye. Bye.

[Matthew Crosby]

Bye, Gray D O X.