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Ryan Seacrest
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Drew
Welcome back to Emergency Intercom.
Kai
The audio peeking on your immediately. Well, I just think everybody should give me a pat on the back because lately I've been disconnecting from my life and entering Fortnite to disassociate from the sadness that's been lingering. And I play Fortnite till 5am and then I wake up at 2pm so.
Drew
I'm on a really, really nasty spiral. I was just talking to Kai about this yesterday that like I'm like, I realized like I'm depressed but I'm not sad because like I've been wearing the same outfit for seven days without even realizing it. I've been like choosing to brush my teeth at night like, or actively like not choosing to brush my teeth where I'm just like, I'm not doing that. I'm just going to sleep without brushing my teeth and wake up and brush them in the morning and just doing little things like that where I'm like, oh my God, I'm like low key depressed, but I'm not sad. It's so strange. Like normally when I'm depressed I'm like, I gotta kill myself. Like this is it. Like I have to, I have to kill myself. Like I can't keep going like this, but I'm not and everything in my life is fine. Like everything is like better than ever. Which is kind of crazy. But that I know this way.
Kai
I fully feel that. And I like three signs I know I'm depressed. One, I have not been shopping for like five weeks, which sounds you should.
Drew
Stay depressed, stay depressed.
Kai
Which sounds so Stupid to some people because they're like, oh, you're so sad you can't shop. But no, that's my like addictive vice that I do to like give me little serotonin boost. Because I'm like, oh, this is naughty. I'm buying like an expensive shirt or something.
Drew
You would think you would dive deeper into that.
Kai
No, it's literally like that just. It sounds like too much work to go out of my way. I'm like, I don't want to have to like leave the house, go somewhere, make a decision. Like I can't make a decision on anything. Like I don't want to. I think it'll be a bit like. And it's just like brings me anxiety. It doesn't like make me like give me like any spark of serotonin, which that is a sign like when I'm literally like, all my friends in New York are like, oh, like do you want to go here, here and here? And I'm like, I like don't need to. That's what I'm like, oh, I. My fortnite hours have gone up even more and it's like pissing me off. Like I'm not enjoying playing. I'm like really upset and like angered by.
Drew
It's the new like point of interest. Pois in the game are lit, except the main one has no loot, which I know they do this on purpose where it's like they like make it so the loot is all blue and green on the floor. And then like three weeks after the thing drops and like player count drops a little bit, they start adding hella gold guns so you feel like you're special. Special. And it's like exciting. But yeah, I feel like this has been like a universal experience for like everyone, like everyone I know and love has been feeling off and like in strange ways. Like something seriously has switched and shifted and something dark sided is going on that I cannot explain and I don't have the answers for yet. But there is a dark sided energy around right now. But with that said, it's literally seasonal depression. I was gonna say it could be seasonal depression.
Kai
The dark energy is the cold.
Drew
Yeah, exactly. Is the cloudy skies. They've turned on me. But I've also. What was I gonna say? Ah, dark sided. Everyone I know and love is also like hella depressed. Oh, it could be because.
Kai
Oh, what was I saying?
Drew
Like Covid. It could be because like after Covid, everybody was cooped up for three years and like everybody was like freaking out and Dying to go out. So when, like, Covid kind of ended, quote, unquote, ended, people, like, all went outside in droves and were hanging out all the time together. And we're, like, doing absolutely everything in there possible to get outside of the house. That, like, we're all kind of probably experiencing burnout, but it's burnout in a way where. Like. Where, like, social creatures of habit that, like, need social connection. But we're, like, all reclusing away from it because we had too much of it. And I think that could be another thing is, like, everyone just, like, saw each other too much recluse away. But we need that connection, but we got too much of it, so now we're in withdrawal.
Kai
Yeah. I'm also just at a point where I'm like, that sounds like so much work. Like, I'm usually such a. Like, yes, let's go out to eat or whatever. And I'm like, I don't. That sounds like a lot of. For some reason now, it's like, oh, I have to go do this. Like, I have to go see this person. I have to say hi, like. Like, right now.
Drew
And, like, you.
Kai
Oh, this is like. That's, like, so much work. And that, like, literally sounds like a nightmare. Even though after, I'm like, wow. Like, I'm literally like you. I'm like, after, I'm like, wow, that was awesome. Like, why do I do that more often? And then, like, somebody texting me to hang out is literally a threat. You are being a terrorist in my life. You are actually haunting me. You were. You are patronizing.
Drew
Leave me fuck alone.
Kai
You are literally harassing me, and I'm going to fudgeing you. Done. I'm gonna kill you.
Drew
The bane of my existence is getting a text asking to hang out. And then I do it, and I'm like, wow, that was beautiful. And I love humans.
Kai
My third thing, though, is that when I was in Miami, I wanted to stay so badly. And that's how I know I'm depressed as I go back home. And I literally, like, I love being around my family, but if anybody knows, like, I just, like, I love being in Miami for certain amounts of time. But this time, I literally was there for, like, a week and a half. And I was like, I don't want to leave. But I also was having a thing. Like, as I was getting on the plane, I was really convinced. I was like, dude, I got this gut feeling this plane's going down.
Drew
Literally, me coming back from Paris, I have that written down. And I had a panic attack on that plane and I threw up as the plane landed. It was disgusting and awful vibes, but honestly, embarrassing. Fully, fully convinced that that plane was going to dive into the ocean. But that's probably just.
Kai
That's not how that works.
Drew
Crash compilation.
Kai
Yeah, that's because I've literally seen every single plane crash that has happened on the planet. Yeah, I've seen it explained in excruciating.
Drew
Detail with like Doja Cat playing in the background on Tick Tock too.
Kai
For real. My new thing has been not doing that, though. I. Oh, I did watch a. I think last episode I talked about maybe was last episode. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I am like sometime clean of murder mysteries and documentaries. I just haven't been watching those. And then I did get really crossfaded and fall asleep to one with a friend, but I literally didn't even get into the murder. He was just a weirdo and, like, being a weirdo and it was basically watching like a random man at a bar talk. That's what it felt like.
Drew
Murdoch.
Kai
No, I haven't. Oh, we, we started that, but we, we literally got three seconds in and knocked out. So I'm just like, ex.
Drew
But yeah, that's kind of our update on our mental health. Like, how are you guys feeling? Is that experience universal? Is everyone kind of feeling a little off? I'm sure you are depressed as like.
Kai
Oh, my God, I knew it. Yeah, I, I, you were literally beckoning the monster.
Mason
Well, he referred to me, he gave me some.
Kai
I know. I literally. I almost called for you. He was like, hi, guy.
Drew
How are you feeling? We did not fire Kai. We've just been traveling.
Mason
Yeah, man, I've been feeling very sad. But, you know, you guys are used to that. I think at this point. I think one example of the fact that you got a puff bar. No, this is.
Kai
That's crazy glue.
Mason
This is skin food.
Drew
Oh, nice. I feel like crazy glue. Your lips.
Kai
No, you should do that often. You should try it.
Mason
So I can't talk and I can't breathe and maybe I'll just die.
Kai
No, you got your nose bibs.
Drew
No. Okay. What were you saying, though?
Mason
Unfortunately, I'm a mouth breather, so. Doesn't work.
Drew
I just learned what a mouth breather was. Yeah, I was gonna say the facial structure of a mouth breather is completely different. They have, like, longer faces and like. Yeah. Or no, no, no.
Mason
Is that a conspiracy theory or is that real? Because, like, I, I genuinely can't tell. I'll do research on that, like once a month. And I'll be like, maybe it does completely transform your facial.
Drew
Yeah, no, it does. There's three. There's three things in your face that immediately alerts me to the type of person you are. And it's fetal alcohol syndrome, mouth breather and face. And I can immediately tell your entire life and, like, who you are as a person.
Kai
Right, right.
Mason
I feel like what I was going to say is, like, the number one example I can point to recently of, like, how depressed I've been is when we were playing basketball and I made up a lie because I was too.
Drew
I was gonna bring that up. That is so funny. Like, I'll let you tell it. We.
Mason
We went to the park to play basketball, like, me, Drew and Mason. And then I was like, oh, I have to do some freelance work. Just letting you guys know, like, just in case a game starts. I just don't have to leave halfway through. And then I just like, no, it.
Drew
Was the craziest bite. It was even crazier than that. So we just had gotten to the courts and we were like, shooting around for a little bit, and it was like a cute little key, like we were having fun. And then this, like, scary ass dude, like, came up to me and Mason and Kyle and was like, do y' all want to play basketball? Like two on two? And we were like, no, no, no, we don't want to. And then he went across the court, grabbed another guy, and was like, do you two want to play again? Do two of y' all want to play against us two? And like, immediately I was like, yeah, let's do it. And Mason was like, sure. And then Kai was like, like, visibly, like, shaking, like, terrified of, like, playing basketball. He was like, no, I. I don't want to. I want to. Like, I. I have. I have to go do work. Like, I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now. I. I've decided. I'm leaving right now. I have to go do work. And then, like, as he was walking away, I was like, kai, what the fuck was that? Like, do not leave. You have to. You must stay. So then he stayed. And then after the game, we were like, why the fuck did you lie? Like, you did not.
Mason
I just sat on a chair and was on my phone. And then I just waited for, like, the strangers to leave. And then I came back. Yeah, and play the non competitive, like, pig.
Drew
Pig. Yeah. So it was hilarious. But, like, I was depressed.
Mason
I just think that I'm traumatized from basketball because I was telling them when I was. I don't know, in my hometown, there was, like, an A team and a B team for basketball in, like, seventh grade. And then they, like, that year, they added a C team for, like, kids that were really bad and.
Kai
Oh, my God, you were on the D team.
Mason
I didn't even make the C team. And I remember coming home.
Kai
You literally were the D team.
Mason
I literally. I literally was.
Drew
And I. I remember telling, like, a dick team.
Kai
No, I'm making a joke that he's, like, even below C. Like, do you know your Alphabet?
Drew
It was like, D, like, as in, like, give me the D. Like, D team.
Mason
True. No, he doesn't stand for dick team. Like, come on. You would be on it.
Drew
Climb me up.
Kai
Wrong hand.
Mason
No, that on my screen.
Drew
That worked. Yeah, it worked on mine. Well, before we go any further into this episode, I wanted to address the puff bar allegations.
Kai
Oh, and I need to address the cigarette allegations because my cigarette smoking.
Drew
Babe, you're cold.
Kai
Sprouse4 the cold.
Drew
You're called sprouts. No, before the episode, India came up to me and was like, oh, like, did you see the Cole Sprouse shit? He looks so cool smoking a cigarette on a podcast with sunglasses. I want to do that. And so what's he wearing?
Kai
Sunglasses?
Drew
Yes.
Kai
He was not wearing sunglasses.
Drew
I don't know if he actually was, but I don't think he was.
Kai
But, yeah, mine was more satirical. Like, I was talking shit about my friend. Yeah, puff bar. Sorry.
Drew
Yeah, the puff bar allegations. That's all. It wasn't real. I don't smoke that. Never have. I didn't cheat.
Kai
You, literally, three seconds into this episode, took a hit through your shirt.
Drew
No, that was. That was me smelling to see if I had musty armpits.
Kai
That seems like a really bad lie to cover up that you were. Your puff bar so old, it's spitting at you, and you need to use your T shirt.
Drew
No, no, that's not the case. I don't.
Kai
You're like, no, it's a new puff bar.
Drew
I don't even own one, so I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. I think I realized something. I need to become a mouth breather because all of my insecurities about my face is because it's so, like, puggy. And if I, like, started breathing through my mouth.
Mason
You don't look like that. Normally, though, when you, like, make that face, you have a good job. Like, a very strong.
Kai
You have a very fine face. Dude, it's literally like, don't let the media trick you. All this, like, Bugle fat wanting your face to be skinnier. That will happen naturally. Do not remove the collagen that you naturally have, because then by the time you're 35, you're actually gonna look like Joan Rivers. Like, it's gonna be up, like.
Drew
And Joan Rivers is beautiful, and Joan.
Kai
Defend herself, so we won't keep talking about her.
Drew
And she's the girl, so it's the point.
Kai
No, I love. Love to Joan, but you understand what I'm saying. It's not gonna be.
Drew
No, I know, I know. It's all jokes. It's all jokes. But white people do age like spoiled milk. So I'm happy that I have, like, plump skin.
Kai
Yeah, you should be, like, proud.
Drew
But imagine me like this.
Kai
Oh, no.
Drew
And imagine I got jaw correction surgery because, like, okay, you're literally seeing your face.
Mason
Drew, you have been looking very plump for me recently.
Drew
Plump. Get him out of here. Get.
Kai
You got to get the out of here, bro.
Drew
Plump?
Kai
I. Oh, I think he meant your bulge.
Drew
I'm confused.
Mason
I was talking about your. Your dick print through your pants.
Drew
See, I have been intentionally working on that. I've been wearing these manscaped underwear that are very flattering.
Kai
Manscape?
Drew
Yeah.
Kai
Is that a real thing?
Drew
We did an ad read for them.
Kai
Oh, yeah.
Mason
Oh, like the.
Kai
The Razor company. They make underwear.
Drew
Package. Hold on.
Kai
Oh, my God, Kai.
Mason
Sorry.
Drew
Don't say they sent a PR package to us. And they're really nice.
Mason
Oh, nice.
Drew
This is not sponsored, by the way.
Kai
I've got nothing to do with me.
Drew
I buy those underwears because I'm. I'm. And do not buy them unless it's with a PR code that I give you guys or whatever it is. But, yeah, I think I'm, like, low key out of the tidy whitey phase of my life. It lasted for, like, six.
Kai
Drew went through a phase where every time we would be together and he had to, like, for some reason, multiple times in a year, had to change in front of me, would be like, don't look. I have my scary underwear on. And I'd like. I said, still don't know what that means.
Drew
Like, I never saw the tidy whiteies is for a specific type of person, and that's not you.
Kai
Oh. And why were you always wearing them? Just in case, like, an occasion arose, or is it just that those are the only underwear you had?
Drew
It was the only underwear I had. Well, my Khalifa was on my flight. Oh, what were you going to say?
Kai
Wait, really?
Drew
Yes, I held that from you because it was really exciting.
Kai
That's so awesome. Did you sit next to her? Did you say anything to her?
Drew
No, she sat like, two rows ahead of me. Does Mia Khalifa have a baby and a husband?
Kai
I think she has a husband.
Drew
Does she have a baby?
Kai
I don't think she has a baby. Dude, babies are out. Babies are literally out. Babies are not the trend anymore. Once Emerald held that little thing upside down, people were like, we can't keep doing this. We can't keep doing this. No more babies.
Drew
Maybe. Hold on. Mia Khalifa. Baby.
Kai
Baby.
Drew
No, I don't think it was her because there. It was a.
Kai
Is that a baby?
Drew
There was a. She had a baby and they were standing the entire flight.
Kai
Oh, what? Also, how do you mistake Mia Khalifa? That's probably just because you saw that she literally was in Paris.
Drew
Because I've never seen Mia Khalifa.
Kai
You out of respect or just because she does a genre that you may.
Drew
Not be interested because I'm a man and men are disgusting. We're gross, vomiting, vile creatures, and I would never do that.
Mason
I feel like I'm the baby of the podcast.
Kai
Oh, my God. Okay, you're not, though, because you're literally like, you're the elder.
Drew
I'm baby.
Kai
I'm baby Drew's baby because he's 17.
Drew
No, I got baby cheeks. Hold on. My skin looks good, right?
Kai
You do have baby teeth.
Mason
You have baby skin. Your skin does look really good.
Kai
You got that blurring on.
Drew
I literally. Don't I just look good?
Kai
Well, I had.
Drew
Texture is real.
Kai
I had a dream and like, to give reference, I was in Miami in my parents house, sleeping. I woke up. Literally, like, I woke up like, oh, my God. And I was like, I have to write this down. The dream being like. It was the most uninteresting dream ever. And I don't know how it got to this point, but the ending of the dream was I gave you a bowl of hot soup and you started singing to me and you sounded exactly like Shawn Mendes in the Lyle Lyle Crocodile. Oh, no, wait, wait. Had a dream you. It was. You gave Shawn Mendes really hot soup. And to thank you, he sang.
Drew
Remember when he pushed me down in Erewhon?
Kai
Yeah, he pushed you and kicked you and then threw a bunch of vitamins at you.
Drew
It was crazy. I was just trying to get some goat cheese.
Mason
I was there. I don't remember him doing that.
Drew
He pushed me the over. Well, there was a second time you.
Kai
Would push me, the over person like that.
Mason
I'm not Kissing out that just this happened.
Drew
The real what happened was he had just gotten out of the studio recording Lyle Crocodile.
Mason
You don't know that.
Drew
And he was in like a really upset mood because he was like, this movie isn't what I thought it was going to be like. I thought it was going to be something amazing and I thought people were going to love it. But, like, after recording a little bit, I realized that I was tricked into this role and that it's not what I wanted it to be. And then he was just upset about that. And I was grabbing some goat cheese that he was also reaching for and he just fucking pushed me over and started beating on me and spit on me and shit. It was crazy. Yes. This is a Shawn Mendes you're talking, we're all talking about. You know, what I'm realizing, I've been realizing a lot recently actually, is that I have a very misshapen head.
Kai
Because look at you in your head today. Like, get over it, bro.
Drew
Look at these headphones. Look how they lay.
Kai
No, those headphones are actually just 18 years old, so they're broken.
Drew
Well, look, they can do this because I'm a dj.
Mason
That's true.
Drew
Well, it's also that and when I wear hats, they all of them start sliding that way if I. With headphones.
Kai
Because anytime time you have a hat on your head, there's a 98% chance you go into your bed and take a four hour nap and you smush it.
Drew
You're literally like, I have a misshapen head.
Kai
You do. Honestly, I was going to say I've been looking at you recently and every time I see you, your head is like a little more morphed.
Drew
Thank you. Thank you for validating my experience.
Kai
Because then I'm like, oh, my God, in his sleep, is somebody, like, mushing his head, like, play doh? Or like putting him in one of those casts that you put a pumpkin in when it grows. So it could be a different shape. Do you like, lock your head into one of those?
Drew
Your cat loves me more than you know.
Kai
That's just not true. I come back and she's literally gonna forget you exist. Well, I just found out recently, like, I always was told by like doctors and psychiatrists and therapists, like, oh, you have ptsd. You have ptsd. And I was like, oh, okay, yeah, I have ptsd. But then I went to the gynecologist and they said it to me too. And I was like, what does that mean? Like, I've heard this so many times. And then I was like, do I have like something I don't know about? And she was like, yeah. No. PTSD stands for pussy to stinky disorder. And I didn't know that, but this whole time I thought I like had the one where I've gone through something. I was like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Wasn't like that bad. But it's literally like, no. Like the second you sit in the room, I could just like, I could tell.
Drew
I was just about to. I was just about to say, like, especially more recently, like when you come into the room, it like fills the air. It's like a thick odor that just kind of like. It like settles in like a 3 inch like line across the room that you just kind of like walk through and it like just. It's all you can smell.
Kai
It's like that trick where you have like a plastic wrap at the door. Except it's like my PTSD stench is like there. Also, I realized I used to think like, I got vapor rub recently. So I keep mistaking like smudges of vapor rub for my PTSD fluids. But it's like, it's super different, but the texture is like the same.
Drew
Huh. We need to get that fixed.
Kai
Earth is the worst named planet. I've decided. Also Earth.
Drew
Earth. Well, no, it's named after Earth Cafe in la.
Kai
Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. Then that makes a little more sense because I was like, it's kind of like Earth is a name that somebody gives themselves as a nickname after they find out that all their friends have really good nicknames from their other friends. It's like, oh, Saturn, girth.
Drew
Earth is in girth. You ever thought about that?
Kai
Do you know how to spell girth?
Drew
It's. Well, listen, I know how to spell girth. It's G, E, A, R, T, H, E. But if you listen, it's in the word yes. We need to bring back the ugly laws that got banned in 1974.
Kai
That is not a thing.
Drew
And there were ugly laws.
Kai
You are in big, big.
Drew
No, I swear to God. There were ugly laws that got banned in 1974 that if you were too ugly looking and were seen by a police officer, they would find you $20.
Kai
That's just not true. That's why every members of the Beatles, they were not in jail.
Drew
That's why they, that's why everyone was wearing suits and dressed up nice. It was actually more of a like classes thing. Like if you were like two, four. But they called them the ugly laws because, like, if you looked ugly and Weren't dressed nice, they would ban you. But we need to bring that shit back low key. Because I've been seeing some scary out in public recently. Specifically. No, I'm not gonna say that. No.
Kai
I know exactly what you mean.
Mason
Specifically.
Kai
We don't, like, we don't even have to go in public to see it. Sometimes we just, like.
Drew
It's just in our face.
Kai
It's like our work is just like putting us in that position.
Mason
God, that sucks. Who is it, huh? Who is the ugly person? Because that sounds annoying.
Drew
The white man.
Kai
And not the cool one.
Mason
Who are you talking about?
Kai
Well, let's just say we're talking about the white man who is straight in the room.
Drew
Oh, so me. Yeah, yeah, it's me. It's me. It's been me. I need the ugly. The ugly one. I'm the ugly one that needs to get the ugly laws passed.
Kai
Those laws need to come back, and we need to implement new law while we're at it, that couples are not allowed to go to dinner together. You're not allowed to be out at dinner together if you just started dating because you're actually the worst person ever. And, like, why the fuck are you sitting on the same side of the table? That's really fudgeing embarrassing. Also, that's like the least incon. Like, convenient. Oh, Drew. Hello? Drew. Drew.
Mason
Drew, you all right?
Kai
That was probably him just, like, doing that so he could hit his puff bar off screen.
Mason
Drew, exhale right now.
Drew
No, that was. That was.
Kai
Oh, my God. You have a puff bar. You literally have a puff bar in your bed.
Drew
I don't look.
Kai
Whoa. Your room is a disaster.
Drew
I did laundry. I did laundry and it was. Well, all of it was clean already, but I did it. Dirty clothes. Touched my clean clothes. I just don't have enough hangers, so I have, like, a pile of clean clothes on the floor of my closet that is laid out perfectly and beautifully on his closet. And then I just was like, I'm just gonna wash everything again. So I did and I didn't. That's also a reason why I know I'm like, hella depressed right now is because I didn't wash my Paris bags until literally yesterday. So that's my vibe.
Kai
Not to be a. But you kind of just do that. Kind of just like doesn't clean as clothes. Okay.
Drew
I know you bitches are mad, dude.
Kai
Like, literally not a single person was like, I wish I had that.
Drew
I guarantee someone was. I guarantee it. Also, sorry about that thing where I fell asleep earlier.
Kai
Well, every five months, I realized I have to go through the grief of the fact that I missed Bachelor. Like, it's actually the only thing in my life that brings me true fomo.
Drew
That's why we have to go see Sizza and then we have to go see Beyonce.
Kai
I know, but mainly Beyonce. Like, if I had to pick between the two, like, I think we'll go on tour again so we'll have a chance to see her. But I'm not kidding. Like, when I see videos of Beyonce at Coachella, it actually, like, sends shivers through my body. But I just want to also publicly announce I will not be going to Coachella this year. You actually couldn't, like. Like, you couldn't drag me there. I would just kill myself.
Drew
Drag me, sis. I want to go to Coachella because I want to see Frank Ocean and I want to see Bjork back to back, because that would be hilarious as.
Kai
Yeah, I forgot, like, see, I was so tunneled in that just, like, Frank was playing, I was just like, I just can't. I can't do that. But, yeah, Bjork is playing. But I don't know. Sometimes I'm like, I think, like, waiting out and praying that the person goes on tour is better than seeing them at a festival because, like, it's just too much. Dude, I literally hate Coachella.
Drew
Festival concerts are so much more different, like, set wise than, like, going on tour. But maybe that would be good for someone like Bjork, because, like, I don't really love Bjork's new albums, and I feel like if.
Kai
Oh, she'll do the classics.
Drew
Yeah, she'll play the classics. So that's why I'm like, oh, I want to see that. Because when we got to see Drake and the K word on that concert.
Kai
Like, I think it means the Y word now.
Drew
Like, oh, yeah, the Y word. I was so over the moon in a static because it was like, literally all of the greatest hits of all time.
Kai
Yeah, right, right.
Drew
And I had sex with both of them backstage. Yeah, Not a lot of people are.
Kai
Talking about that after you said that on the podcast. Remember? They strictly reached out to us and they said, do not mention that again. And you just mentioned it again.
Drew
Why are you saying that? We're not allowed to talk about that?
Kai
You're the one who started it.
Drew
No, no, we're not allowed to talk about the legal. Ongoing legal battle that we have with them.
Kai
Yeah, but you're the one mentioning the situation. So now it's already, like, we're already Fucked.
Drew
Well, let's just say this. Their lawyers reached out and said I was lying, that I didn't have a threesome with Drake and Kanye backstage at the concert. I have video proof and I am willing to air that.
Kai
You have video proof?
Drew
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was nasty, dirty, disgusting, stinky sex. Like, it was really gross. Like, and it was awesome and fun and a blast and did the camera lens. Yeah. I was very surprised by, like, their stamina. Like, it was. It was really amazing.
Kai
Yeah. Especially after a show that long. Like, it. It is pretty impressive.
Drew
But, yeah, we're not allowed to talk about it. They're trying to sue me. I'm gonna countersue. And y' all will probably never see me on this podcast again because I'm countersuing for $70 million.
Mason
Damn. I want to get my back blown out of Coachella. Like, where's my back? Shot Mania at Coachella.
Kai
Backshot Mania.
Drew
You hear Logo Mania.
Kai
Where's my Kundalini Mania?
Drew
Kundalini yoga. I'm about to. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah, that is. Okay, I have this written down and tell me if you understand what I'm saying. But I don't know if this is a universal experience for everyone on TikTok for you page right now, but have you all been seeing a bunch of videos of people with topical Sarah Topical steroid withdrawal syndrome?
Kai
Yes, I've seen it a bunch because it's a huge thing with the eczema.
Drew
Eczema, yes. Yes. And I was like, oh, my God, you know what I'm gonna do is I'm going to. If someone does me dirty.
Kai
But, like, you are so annoying.
Drew
If someone does me dirty. Right. I'm gonna sneak into their house every night and put the eczema cream. Eczema steroid cream on their body for six months and get.
Kai
I wonder how much you would have to, like, slather on there. Like, I wonder if it would be a lot.
Drew
I would make sure I got it and I would get them addicted to it. And then when they're mean to me one last time after six months, I'm just going to take them off of it secretly and they're going to go into full blown steroid cream withdrawal. What happens? Skin is going to fall off. It's actually really jarring and it's really sad. And I feel bad for the people going through it because it's really unfair. And the doctors don't warn people that their steroid cream for their eczema can cause them to go into withdrawal and Their skin on, like, they're specifically their face and their groins and can affect any part of your body, but a lot of it is focused on the face and on your, like, genitals. The, like, skin flakes off and gets, like, crusty, and, like, it's. It's. It's not a pretty sight. And I feel bad for these people because, like, their doctors don't warn them that the steroid cream can cause a withdrawal symptom, and it's just dangerous. Like, it makes me piss that it's not with me.
Mason
I mean, we could change that.
Drew
I've been hiding my upper lip for so long that when I see my mustache like this, it's scary.
Kai
As you have a nice lips, though, there are some people with. Oh, okay. Okay.
Drew
Hi.
Kai
I love my lips. Well, also, I'm at the point in my life where I just be farting with noise canceling, headphones on, and I literally couldn't give a. Like. Like, I really. Like, I do not give a. Like, I was at the airport, and I let out a big ass fart with my headphones on. I just kept walking. I was like, I don't give a.
Drew
You're depressed. Yeah. Yesterday.
Mason
Yeah. We were playing basketball, and he, like, dribbled up to me, and they, like, turned around and farted, like, on my leg. And it was really.
Kai
You did that to tr. He would actually combust. He would be so annoyed and pissed that he would die.
Drew
I think I'm over.
Kai
But then Drew gets to go and fart on everybody.
Drew
I think I'm over.
Mason
I feel like you had some sort of a breakthrough because you've been farting into the mic. You've been farting in my mouth.
Kai
I don't think he. He didn't know that.
Drew
I didn't know that clip was gonna be left in of me into the goddamn mic. And when I saw it on Tick Tock, I was, like, literally humiliated. Well, no, we. I didn't. I didn't listen to that section. So, like, I didn't realize it was. I completely forgot I had done that. But I'm glad it stayed in so people could see the real me, because I'm fun. I'm playful. I'm fun and playful. I fart. I fart too, everybody. My mind is a prison.
Kai
It's not, though. You. If you think about it, your mind is a lovely retreat.
Drew
No, it's a prison, and I want that.
Kai
You're being sent to against your will for a month, and hopefully you come back.
Drew
Exactly. It's like the nature retreats that they send out, like, bad kids to and abuse them for a month, which is also scary as that.
Kai
Which I think we should send you to one of those, though, for your puff bar.
Drew
Loki. I would actually probably survive and thrive in that situation. Well, you wouldn't die of the forest. I love the woods. I love it so much.
Kai
I do think that's what we need. I think when I get back, we need to, like, go and, like, be in nature. Yeah.
Drew
Before Washington, we should cruise up and stay in, like, sequoia for a few days.
Kai
Sequoia.
Drew
Yeah.
Mason
Yeah.
Kai
What is that?
Mason
Sounds good. Sounds good.
Drew
I just did the tana tongue challenge.
Kai
Let me see your tongue.
Drew
I just have a depressed tongue or not a dehydrated tongue. People are like, judy's tongue is so white. Juice tongue is so white. No, I just brush my teeth. I just have a dehydrated.
Kai
Well, you counteract that if you just brush your teeth, and then your first drink and meal is Pepsi and Taki, so. Damn, you do have a white ass tongue.
Drew
Well, I was gonna say, talk about just without naming names. That little key we had after recording the pair episode last week was the most diabolical, rancid vibe I've ever been a part of in my entire life. And that's all I'll say. Just know that it was awful. I've never felt like that in my life.
Kai
Yeah, it was. It was something. I think I'm past the point of wanting to put myself in awkward situations. I feel like when I was really young, that was funny because it was like, dude, this is so awkward and weird. Like, why am I here? But now I'm at the point where, like, no, I would much rather be with people who I actually don't want to kill myself around because of.
Drew
Yeah, uncomfortableness.
Kai
Hold on. I'm actually about to dis myself.
Drew
Okay, I'll just say this real quick. And also, like, that vibe was so crazy, and I wanted to, like, key with those people so hard because I was like, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. Like, for some reason, like, y' all are both, like, kind of bullied online and hated. And, like, just, like, it's. I. I want to just, like, get to know you. And one of them, I was thoroughly surprised by their behavior. I was like, oh, wow. Like, I. You get it. Like, you can hang. And then the other one, I was like, get off that damn phone and talk to me, please. Like, I want to know you. I want to get to know you. Please, please, please, please, please. So, yeah, this doesn't. This sucks because I'm not able to say who these people are because I don't want them to think that I don't like them. But, yeah, it was awful. And I don't like airing people's business and out online unless it's Leonardo DiCaprio or Shawn Mendes spitting on me.
Kai
What?
Drew
I just said, Shawn Mendes spit on me. Sue me. Sue me.
Kai
The thing is, like, realistically, if anybody heard the, like, jokes we tell them, they were like, I'm gonna sue them. I would actually be shocked because I'd be like, dude, you were crazy. Because we literally. I don't think I've ever said anything real in my life.
Drew
I have. And Shawn Mendez spit on me. Well, one time. I can't believe I'm telling this story.
Kai
Right now when you haven't done a single goddamn thing. I can't believe I'm saying this right now.
Drew
When I was like, probably. It was just. I was just learning how to, like, toddle around, so I don't know how old I was, but I wasn't speaking. And me and Madeline had beta fishes. And one day we thought it was a good idea to replace the water in our betta fish tank with a 2 liter Coca Cola bottle.
Kai
There's no way this is real.
Drew
And we got our ass beat.
Kai
I beat your ass, too. Well, one time we had a really big sucker fish. What are they called? Like, catfish. We had a really. We had a big suckerfish and it died. And it was huge.
Drew
It was like.
Kai
How big you. Bigger than you. Come here, Bobby. But it was fucking humongous. And it died. And we were like, on. Our dad wasn't home, so we flushed him down the toilet. And then it clogged the toilet. And we were too scared to tell my dad. And then we were like, oh, we think we, like, put too much toilet paper in the toilet. Because we didn't think that if he tried to fix it, he would see the fish. And he literally undid it. And the fish was just, like, suctioned and stuck to the pipe, like, right under the toilet.
Drew
That is hilarious.
Kai
I feel like flushing so bad because we let it go by for, like, four days. We just kept using my dad's bathroom. We were like, we're like, we don't want to get in trouble. Ew. And it smells so bad.
Drew
Okay. The last thing I'll say before into, we're done.
Kai
Yeah, I'm done.
Drew
Those two bitches are dead to me. They're going to rot in hell and they're going to be eaten by mealy worms. And in my. It may be at my own hand. I may killed them.
Kai
What?
Drew
Oh, I thought you left. I was just joking.
Kai
No, I literally didn't. And you're actually stupid for thinking that I would leave, like.
Drew
Now. What a up nose too. I got a big ass nose. I got. I have like a big face and a giant nose. And if my face was normal sized and my nose stayed the same size, it would be giant on my head.
Kai
You're way too, like, going in on your appearance recently.
Drew
Yeah, I'm just insecure. I think.
Kai
You know what could fix that up? So here's what we'll do. We'll give you some.
Drew
Look how high my. Look how high my eye is.
Kai
Like, what are you even pointing out now? Now you're just like a little bit just. I think what it is. You haven't seen people in long enough that, like, you forgot what human faces look like. And now you're a bit, like, confused by your own face.
Drew
I love you. Okay. But keep going on my filler journey. I do want to know.
Kai
Okay, so here's what we could do. We can get you some buccal fat. All right, we'll get you some buccal fat. And then what is it? Like, we'll get you an eyebrow lift. We'll get you some filler like, all along here. I do need along the cheeks. Yeah. I don't get some. Some bones in there. And then after buccal fat, we'll do some lip filler. We'll get your lips nice and plump.
Drew
I don't. You look really pretty right now, and I'm not. I'm literally not even joking. I just realized that you always look so good on these episodes. It's crazy.
Kai
Well, it's because I look better when the camera is directly in front of me and when it's at the side of me. It's actually the most shocking thing I've ever seen in my life. Like, I look best with a camera in front of me slightly angled up. Like, it could be better. Like, if it was like. Like this, it would be perfect. Yeah.
Drew
But she's just normal. Yeah. I was thinking about getting Botox in my master muscles to kind of like, relax them a little bit because I do just hold my mouth really hard together and I have.
Kai
I'm pretty sure Amy Ordman did. Did that and had the opposite effect. Like, she was told that she grinded her teeth, so she went and gotten it and it had the opposite effect. Like, it made her face, like, wider, and then she had to undo it. I think that filler and Botox is all a scam. I think that we need to just accept that you look the way you look, and that is fine. And it is. If it's different, it's different. And that's a positive note.
Drew
I mean, like, this. I look sexy. No. I would literally never kind of look.
Kai
Like you're, like, stretching your shoulder because you pulled a muscle when you do that.
Drew
I did. I actually did hurt my shoulder last night before bed. I was like, damn, why is my shoulder hurt right now? But.
Kai
I. I need to get a better mattress because I've been sleeping on my side a lot, and my back hurts so bad, but my bed is, like, too uncomfortable to lay, like, on with my back on it. All right, I think we're.
Drew
Oh, wait. No, no, no, no. I have one more thing to say. So we'll insert the video. But I figured out why Imagine Dragons are so popular. Do you remember when I was like, there has to be something to it. There has to be something that we're not fully understanding. Like, why are they selling out stadiums? Why are their songs so strange? Why do their music videos have so many views? Yeah, you know what it is? Not only is it, like, a Mormon thing, but also, he is, like, the hottest man alive.
Kai
Do they curse?
Drew
No, no, no, no, no. But he is, like, the hottest man I've ever seen in my entire life. And I'm not joking.
Kai
Like, I could argue that on you.
Drew
On that, because it's really, really, really shocking. And that's the reason why here, I'm sending you the video in question. Hold on. Oh, my God. And, yeah, I almost sent a picture that I edited. Hold on, I'll just show you real quick on here. Kai, Blur this.
Kai
That is, like, actually, like, terrifying.
Drew
Oh, God, Kai, did I show you that yesterday?
Mason
No, I've never seen that. I would have remembered if I saw that.
Drew
Yeah. You know what it's referencing, right?
Mason
I don't think so, but I showed.
Drew
You on FaceTime when I was like, I have to see your reaction to it.
Mason
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Drew
That's what that is.
Kai
Ew, he's gross.
Drew
Kai, did you watch the video in emergency intercom chat?
Mason
What video? Oh, wait, the Imagine Dragons one? Yeah, his body goes kind of crazy for me.
Kai
His body is, like, lit, I guess, but, like, it'll look like. Really look at his face. He's just, like, a guy. Like, he kind of just looks like.
Mason
A guy in Game of Thrones.
Drew
Yeah, he does have, like, a huggy.
Mason
Little face like a townsman. Like a villager. Like an extra game.
Kai
The way he's moving. Like, imagine annoying. Imagine the leg kick. That's like the weekend.
Drew
Imagine being like a repressed Mormon and going to a concert and.
Kai
Oh, yeah, I would score. I would score big time.
Drew
Time.
Mason
Ew.
Drew
Yeah.
Mason
What the.
Kai
I would score big time if I didn't have access to like, like, actually, like, hot men in my life.
Ryan Seacrest
Girls.
Drew
What? No. No.
Mason
Huh? No, no, no, please. Because I'm wondering. I'm wondering about all that stuff all the time.
Kai
Well, you should use your iPhone and Google it, you goddamn freak.
Mason
I have parental controls on my phone.
Drew
Girls. Just don't squirt. Okay, okay. Okay. Let's do some media. Mine is by Perfect Chow, Solaris 12 15, 225 by Foxy DK and Coral by downhill2k01, which. Is that the guy you're friends with?
Mason
Guy I know. I'm on the Internet. We, like, follow each other.
Drew
Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Because that just popped up in my recommended and I was like, this song.
Mason
Is, dude, he's super talented. He's a really good person.
Drew
And then for movies and show, I just re watched Mob Psycho Season 1. Loved it. I watched a couple more animes that I was like, oh, this is kind of lit it. And then for like, the movie, I haven't seen it yet. And I've been begging every. Oh, I saw Creed 3 and that.
Kai
You watched Creed 3.
Drew
It follows. I had to.
Kai
I feel like being shoved down my throat by the media in a crazy way. Everywhere I've gone, I've seen it. They have a Fortnite skin for Creed 3. Why is there a fortnite skin for Creed?
Drew
And yeah, you should watch it because Michael B. Jordan is peak form. He is like, oh, well, yeah. He's also like I've ever seen in my entire life.
Kai
Yeah, I saw his hot one. It was like, hi.
Drew
It was. It was really crazy. It was. It was a fun movie. It was like the worst movie I've ever seen, but simultaneously the most fun I've ever had in a movie. Like, it was kind of like too.
Kai
Behind on movies to be watching a movie just because I'm a little horny. I have too many movies to watch.
Drew
No, you need to. You need to watch that one. And then I've been wanting to watch so badly, I forget what it's called. It's called, like, Close or something like that. It's an A24 movie.
Kai
Then you probably did it. You don't know what that is? Like, what? You don't know?
Drew
No, I. I said I've been meaning to watch it, and apparently it's, like, kind of like a masterpiece, and it.
Kai
Like, I just don't know how, you know what. What 824 is?
Drew
I made a 24 Babes.
Kai
Yeah, you made eight. I invested $15,000 in your pants.
Mason
Oh.
Drew
Girl. What the. Are you even saying what?
Mason
How many grams?
Drew
A 24 pack. But close is apparently really cute and will make you cry. Your eyes. Oh. Oh, wait.
Kai
Yeah, we were gonna go watch it.
Drew
Yeah, but we haven't yet. Leo and Remy have always been incredibly close, but they drift apart after the intimacy of their friendship is questioned by schoolmates. When tragedy strikes, one is forced to confront why he distance cells from his closest friend. I think we can all gather why I want to watch that one.
Kai
Because you. Why I.
Drew
Because I got a tuggy face.
Kai
Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, my media of the week has been. Still watching the Sopranos. I'm gonna start succession this week. I'm gonna start, like. I'm gonna put it aside and start succession because I'm really nervous for when it starts, and all my friends are watching it and trying to talk about it around me, and then I'm just like.
Drew
Oh, my God, it comes out in, like, two days, huh?
Kai
Not two days. In, like, two weeks, you. You idiot.
Drew
When does it come out? When does it come out?
Kai
On the 26th, you stupid. Exactly. You need to get a life and find people in your life who love you, because I don't give a about. I thought he was gonna fart again.
Mason
I did, too.
Kai
Dude. Look at him having to step over everything on the floor in his room. Like, he literally had to, like, traverse.
Mason
Name one object in this picture. Oh, all right. Nice, dude.
Kai
Yeah, I guess you can't name one object.
Drew
Stupid.
Kai
All right, my media of the week is I Love this Life by the Blue Nile.
Mason
Wait, I swear, like, a little bit of, like, puff puff vape just appeared, and it looked like stock footage.
Kai
Oh, he's put. He's blowing it in.
Mason
He looks like a cartoon.
Drew
It's the ghost of Drew.
Kai
He just killed himself.
Drew
I just killed myself. Yeah.
Kai
Why is the ghost of Drew announcing himself?
Mason
I don't even think he can.
Kai
He can't hear us.
Drew
Hanging in the closet. I'm hanging in your closet. So when you come home, you find.
Kai
Me.
Drew
And it's all because you said that no one loves me.
Kai
Like, what's gross is he's home alone doing that. And also, what's gross is he's just using this as an excuse to, like, hit his puff bar a bunch of times. Okay, My media is I love this life by the Blue Nile, folk song by the Sundays, Poly Blue by Jessica Pratt, total interference by Charlie Garcia. And that's it. Oh, and I've been listening to choose you by Project Pat a lot again. And that's it for this episode. I guess we're gonna outro it without Drew because he seemingly has ended his life.
Drew
Guys, you'll never see me again.
Kai
Oh, I guess the coast of Drew still cares about his job. So that's interesting. Thank you guys so much for listening, and we'll see you.
Ryan Seacrest
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Emergency Intercom Episode Summary
Episode Title: Being Depressed Without Sadness
Release Date: March 17, 2023
Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips
Podcast: Emergency Intercom by iHeartPodcasts
In the episode titled "Being Depressed Without Sadness," hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips delve into the nuanced and often misunderstood facets of depression. Contrary to traditional perceptions, this discussion centers on experiencing depression without the accompanying typical sadness. Through a blend of candid conversations, personal anecdotes, and humor, the hosts explore the complexities of mental health, societal expectations, and personal coping mechanisms.
The episode opens with Drew sharing a profound personal insight:
Drew [01:41]: "I'm depressed but I'm not sad because I've been wearing the same outfit for seven days without even realizing it."
This statement sets the tone for the episode, highlighting how depression can manifest in subtle, non-traditional ways. Instead of overt sadness, individuals might exhibit signs of disengagement or lack of motivation in daily activities.
Kai contributes to the discussion by outlining three unconventional signs of depression:
Kai [02:35]: "I have not been shopping for like five weeks, which sounds like you should."
Despite appearances, Kai elaborates that refraining from shopping isn't out of sadness but rather an addictive vice previously used to gain small serotonin boosts. This behavior underscores how depression can lead to changes in habits and interests that aren't immediately recognizable as symptoms.
Drew further explains:
Drew [03:00]: "I was just choosing not to brush my teeth at night... I'm low key depressed, but I'm not sad."
These examples illustrate the subtle shifts in daily routines and self-care practices that can indicate underlying mental health struggles without the presence of sadness.
The hosts discuss various coping strategies and the resultant social withdrawal:
Kai [03:03]: "I can't make a decision on anything. I don't want to... It just brings me anxiety."
Drew adds context by linking increased gaming hours:
Drew [03:45]: "My Fortnite hours have gone up even more and it's pissing me off... something dark sided is going on that I cannot explain."
This segment emphasizes how individuals might turn to activities like gaming or isolate themselves as a means to escape or manage their emotions, inadvertently deepening their sense of disconnection.
The conversation shifts to external factors influencing mental health, such as seasonal changes and the aftermath of the Covid-19 pandemic:
Drew [05:00]: "It could be because after Covid, everybody was cooped up... now we're in withdrawal."
Kai adds:
Kai [05:49]: "For some reason now, it's like, oh, I have to go do this... it's like, oh, I have to go see this person."
These insights highlight how societal shifts and extended periods of isolation can contribute to feelings of burnout and exacerbate mental health challenges.
Throughout the episode, the hosts interweave personal stories and humor to navigate the heavy topic:
Drew [10:22]: "We went to the park to play basketball... Kai was like, I have to go do work."
Kai [11:18]: "I didn't even get into the murder. He was just a weirdo..."
These anecdotes serve to lighten the conversation, making the discussion more relatable and engaging while still addressing serious underlying issues.
A humorous segment ensues as the hosts mockingly address allegations related to puff bar usage:
Drew [13:32]: "It wasn't real. I don't smoke that. Never have."
Kai [14:02]: "You're like, no, it's a new puff bar. But I don't even own one, so I don't know what you're talking about."
This back-and-forth showcases the hosts' ability to blend humor with personal topics, making the conversation both entertaining and insightful.
The discussion takes a nostalgic turn as Drew recounts a dream involving Shawn Mendes:
Drew [19:37]: "He pushed me over and started beating on me and spit on me... Yes, this is a Shawn Mendes you're talking about."
Kai responds with disbelief:
Kai [19:54]: "How big you. Bigger than you. Come here, Bobby."
These stories not only provide comic relief but also offer a glimpse into the hosts' personal lives and experiences, fostering a deeper connection with the audience.
Towards the end of the episode, the hosts engage in conversations about media and entertainment, discussing artists like Imagine Dragons and movies such as "Creed 3":
Drew [43:23]: "Why are they selling out stadiums?... he is like, the hottest man alive."
Kai [44:12]: "His body is, like, lit, I guess... he kind of just looks like a guy."
These segments reflect the hosts' diverse interests and provide listeners with a well-rounded understanding of their personalities beyond discussing mental health.
Drew [01:41]: "I'm depressed but I'm not sad because I've been wearing the same outfit for seven days without even realizing it."
Kai [02:35]: "I have not been shopping for like five weeks, which sounds like you should."
Drew [03:00]: "I'm low key depressed, but I'm not sad."
Drew [05:00]: "It could be because after Covid, everybody was cooped up... now we're in withdrawal."
Drew [10:22]: "We went to the park to play basketball... Kai was like, I have to go do work."
Drew [13:32]: "It wasn't real. I don't smoke that. Never have."
Kai [14:02]: "You're like, no, it's a new puff bar. But I don't even own one, so I don't know what you're talking about."
The "Being Depressed Without Sadness" episode of Emergency Intercom provides a unique exploration of depression that doesn't fit the conventional narrative of sadness. Through honest conversations, the hosts shed light on how depression can manifest in everyday behaviors and thought patterns, sometimes masked by humor and self-deprecation. By addressing both personal experiences and broader societal factors, Enya and Drew offer listeners a multifaceted understanding of mental health, emphasizing the importance of recognizing diverse signs of emotional struggles beyond traditional indicators.
The episode stands out for its ability to balance depth with levity, making the conversation both impactful and approachable. It serves as a reminder that mental health is a complex and individualized experience, deserving of nuanced discussion and empathy.