Podcast Summary: Emotional Badass — CALL IN: How to Accept Your Family’s Limitations and Still Set Boundaries as an HSP

Host: Nikki Eisenhauer
Guest/Caller: Alicia
Date: March 23, 2025

Overview

In this call-in episode of Emotional Badass, host and psychotherapist Nikki Eisenhauer speaks with Alicia, a highly sensitive person (HSP) and mother navigating the challenges of setting boundaries with family—particularly with her own mother, who shows patterns of low empathy and maturity. Alicia wants to break cycles of people-pleasing, avoid passing them to her daughters, and find peace around family members who don’t "get" her sensitivity.

Nikki offers grounded guidance on emotional boundaries, grieving the loss of an ideal relationship, and finding nourishing connections elsewhere.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bridging the Communication Gap with Low Empathy Family Members

• Alicia’s Struggle: Alicia feels responsible for her mother’s emotions and guilt when she sets boundaries, especially as her mother reacts with victimhood.
• Central Question: “How can we help bridge that communication gap?” (00:23)
• Nikki’s Response: It's natural to want family members to understand, but some may lack the capacity or willingness—especially if they have low empathy or maturity (03:00).
• Insight: Not everyone matures emotionally as they age. Many stay “stunted,” which affects relationship dynamics (03:45).

"It was a shocker to me to learn in my counseling program that while all the population that stays alive ages, not all of us mature."
— Nikki Eisenhauer (03:45)

2. Differentiating Understanding From Excusing

• Alicia’s Pattern: She empathizes with her mother’s trauma (loss of her own mother young), shifting into making excuses and sacrificing boundaries.
• Nikki’s Advice: Understanding why someone is a certain way is different from excusing boundary violations (06:14).

"Excuses and understanding need to be very separate things... Understanding doesn’t allow bad behavior."
— Nikki (06:14)

3. Grieving and Accepting Limitations

• Alicia’s Realization: Recognizes her mother won’t change and begins grieving what never was.
• Nikki’s Tool: Acceptance is powerful but hard. It’s a grieving process, letting go of hope the relationship would be different (07:50).
• Permission Principle: Grant yourself permission not to endlessly seek understanding from those lacking the capacity (08:42).

"Permission might be very powerful for you here... Permission is what helps us practice this."
— Nikki (08:42)

4. Redefining Boundaries & Requests

• Concrete Parenting Example: Alicia resents pushback about not posting her daughters’ photos online.
• Nikki’s Boundary Tool:
  • A request (“please don’t post photos”) may be ignored by someone with low empathy.
  • If that happens: change access (“now you don’t get photos to post”). (13:27-14:02)

"No is a request. After they violate that request, then my boundary would be: you don’t get pictures sent to you."
— Nikki (13:27)

5. Caring versus Controlling

• Empathy Trap: Sensitive people care so much, and struggle to accept that some people simply don’t (15:00).
• Reframed Control: It is empowering and healthy control to make decisions about your children’s wellbeing (16:13).

"You have every right to fully control that... In our own lives, we do have some rights to have some semblance of reasonable control."
— Nikki (16:13)

6. Shifting Energy to Self and Safe Connections

• Inner Child Work: Instead of pouring energy into changing your mother, redirect compassion to your inner child (16:59).
• Safe Others: Alicia recognizes her loving aunt as a “spiritual mother” figure—a healthier, nurturing relationship (18:13).

"That’s the gift that is available to us when we accept the truth of what’s going on... When we let go of trying to make our own mothers give it to us, we get to see, oh my goodness, I really can get fed in this way other places."
— Nikki (19:20)

7. Conclusion: Validation and Hope

• Alicia’s Takeaway: Feels empowered, validated, and ready to reinforce boundaries for herself and her daughters.
• Nikki’s Affirmation: Healing comes from growing, not perfection; children benefit from seeing that growth (21:00).

"Your girls are so lucky. Remember, they don’t need you ever to be perfect. They just need to see you growing and evolving."
— Nikki (21:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Maturity:

  "Not all of us mature. That was mind-blowing to me...a very odd thing to be born an old soul in a family."
  — Nikki (03:45)

• On Boundaries and Permission:

  "Permission is what helps us practice this. This means you giving your energy to you in those moments."
  — Nikki (08:42)

• On Low Empathy:

  "That is the problem. Low empathy means this person can’t meet me halfway empathetically... It is so hard for us to understand."
  — Nikki (15:01)

• On Alternative Support:

  "That’s another permission. You get to accept [your aunt] as a spiritual mother."
  — Nikki (19:20)

• On Parenting by Example:

  "They don’t need you ever to be perfect. They just need to see you growing and evolving."
  — Nikki (21:00)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:23 — Alicia introduces her mother/daughter dynamic and struggle.
• 03:45 — Emotional maturity does not track with age.
• 06:14 — Excusing vs. understanding, and the importance of boundaries.
• 08:42 — Permission to focus energy inward and empower boundaries.
• 13:27 — How to enforce boundaries around children's privacy.
• 15:00 — The challenge of low empathy in family systems.
• 16:13 — Healthy control vs. controlling others.
• 18:13 — Finding nurturing figures outside immediate family.
• 19:20 — Acceptance makes space for safe, fulfilling support.
• 21:00 — Parenting by growing, not perfection.

Tone and Key Messages

Supportive, validating, and direct—Nikki encourages sensitive listeners to acknowledge family limitations without self-blame, grieve loss of hoped-for bonds, and cultivate healthy boundaries and self-compassion. She champions the right of HSPs to seek nourishment and support in other relationships, like Alicia does with her aunt.

Final Message:
Let go of the struggle to be understood by those who can't meet you; find acceptance, set healthy boundaries, and allow yourself permission to receive support elsewhere. You are empowered to break the cycle and model growth for the next generation.