Erika Taught Me: How To Get Mentally Strong As An Adult

Released on July 16, 2024

In the episode titled "How To Get Mentally Strong As An Adult," host Erika Kullberg engages in a profound conversation with Amy Morin, a renowned psychotherapist and best-selling author. Drawing from her extensive experience and personal journey, Amy shares invaluable insights on building mental strength, overcoming adversity, and fostering resilience in adulthood.

Understanding Mental Strength

Amy Morin begins by defining mental strength as living in alignment with one's values, encompassing three core components:

1. Thoughts: Recognizing that many of our daily ~60,000 thoughts~ aren't true and learning to question and respond to them constructively.
2. Emotions: Understanding that while it's natural to experience a range of emotions, one doesn't need to remain stuck in negative moods or feel compelled to be happy all the time.
3. Behavior: Developing the ability to act despite unmotivating emotions, balancing when to push oneself and when to rest.

"[...] living according to your values. But if we really break it down, there's three parts to it." ([02:02])

Amy emphasizes that managing thoughts is paramount, as they significantly influence emotions and behaviors.

Controlling Thoughts: Beyond Suppression

A key takeaway from the discussion revolves around handling automatic thoughts—spontaneous, often negative, thoughts that arise without conscious effort. Amy clarifies that it's not about controlling these thoughts but about managing responses to them.

For instance, upon receiving an unexpected email from a boss, one's automatic thought might be fear of job loss. Instead of succumbing to this spiral, Amy suggests:

1. Identify Multiple Possibilities: Recognize that the email could signify various outcomes, not just the worst-case scenario.
2. Shift Focus to Positive Actions: Engage in activities that reduce anxiety, such as taking a walk or having a pleasant conversation.
3. Prevent Self-Fulfilling Prophecies: By not indulging in negative thoughts, individuals can avoid behaviors that might inadvertently lead to the feared outcomes.

"The more that we practice those skills and knowing that you don't have to indulge your automatic thoughts, you don't have to go down that rabbit hole, the better we become at knowing." ([03:23])

Strategies for Building Mental Strength

Amy introduces several practical strategies to enhance mental resilience:

1. Gratitude Practice: Maintaining a gratitude journal, especially before bedtime, can significantly boost happiness and improve sleep quality.

   "People practice gratitude have a 20% boost in happiness in life and they actually tend to live longer." ([19:57])

2. Challenging Negative Thoughts: Engaging in experiments to prove negative beliefs wrong, thereby training the brain to adopt a more positive outlook.

   "If I think something bad's going to happen, I can then either indulge going down that rabbit hole [...] or I could say, yeah, maybe that's one possibility [...] I can remind myself that just because my first thought was I'm going to get fired, it's not true." ([03:23])

3. Labeling Emotions: Naming feelings helps decrease their intensity and fosters better emotional regulation.

   "When we put a name to them, it helps our brain and our body make more sense of what's going on." ([19:57])

4. Scheduled Worry Time: Allocating specific times to address worries can prevent them from consuming the entire day.

   "Schedule time to worry, which sounds ridiculous, but there's research behind it that shows it's incredibly effective." ([46:29])

5. Creating Lists of Reasons: Writing down reasons to support or deter certain actions can aid in making healthier decisions, especially when emotions run high.

   "If you want to change a habit in your life... I would write down a list of reasons why." ([46:29])

Personal Journey and Insights

Amy shares her deeply personal experiences that shaped her understanding of mental strength. Following the loss of her mother and later her husband, she crafted a list titled "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do." This list not only became a cornerstone of her acclaimed book but also served as a daily affirmation to navigate through her grief.

"I thought, well, maybe this list would help somebody else. So I put it on the Internet, thinking, like, five people would read it. But 15 million people read the list..." ([33:24])

Her journey underscores the transformative power of recognizing and eliminating self-limiting habits to enhance existing positive traits.

Breaking Negative Habit Loops

Amy identifies the three most detrimental habits impacting mental health:

1. Feeling Sorry for Oneself: Overindulgence in negative emotions can lead to stagnation and prolonged distress.

   "Feeling sorry for ourselves is when we exaggerate how bad our life is, when we think there's nothing that we can do about it and we stay stuck." ([37:03])

2. Giving Away Personal Power: Blaming others or external circumstances for one’s situation diminishes personal agency.

   "You're in charge of how you think, how you feel, how you behave." ([37:03])

3. Repeating Mistakes: Failing to learn from errors prevents growth and perpetuates negative cycles.

   "We focus on hiding our mistakes rather than learning from them and knowing that mistakes aren't the end of the world." ([37:03])

Advice for Parents: Cultivating Mental Strength in Children

Amy offers targeted advice for parents aiming to raise mentally resilient children:

• Allow Mistakes: Letting children experience natural consequences fosters problem-solving skills and resilience.

  "Mistakes and natural consequences can be some of life's best teachers." ([31:10])

• Teach Emotional Regulation: Instead of immediately soothing children, guide them to identify and manage their emotions independently.

  "Let's have some conversations like, what could you do right now that might make you feel a little bit better?" ([31:10])

• Encourage Self-Reassurance: Prompt children to validate their own feelings rather than relying solely on parental reassurance.

  "What would you say to your friend if your best friend said, I'm going to mess up on Friday's recital?" ([31:10])

Overcoming Self-Pity: Amy’s Personal Strategy

Reflecting on her own battles with loss and grief, Amy emphasizes the importance of acting contrary to self-pity:

• Find Purpose Through Action: Engaging in small acts of kindness can instill a sense of purpose and control.

  "I can take action in some really small ways and try to make life a little bit better, either for myself or for somebody else." ([44:04])

• Acceptance with Action: Acknowledging that life isn't always fair while choosing to actively respond to challenges fosters resilience.

  "When I write myself a letter of what mentally strong people don't do... if I don't do these things today, somehow I'll be okay." ([00:00])

Practical Exercises to Enhance Mental Strength

Amy prescribes three actionable steps for listeners to cultivate mental strength:

1. Schedule Worry Time: Dedicate 15 minutes each day to process worries, thereby limiting their intrusion into daily life.

   "When your time's up, get up and go do something else." ([46:29])

2. Create Lists of Reasons: Whether adopting a new habit or discarding an old one, jot down compelling reasons to guide decisions.

   "If somebody is trying to change a habit... write down a list of reasons why." ([46:29])

3. Argue the Opposite: Counteract negative automatic thoughts by intentionally considering positive outcomes or alternative perspectives.

   "If somebody said, hey, Erica, there's a one in a million chance you're going to win a billion dollars tomorrow, you probably wouldn't spend all day today thinking about that... argue the opposite to remind yourself." ([46:29])

Final Takeaways: Strength Beyond Perception

Concluding the episode, Amy encapsulates the essence of mental strength:

"Amy taught me I'm stronger than I think I am. And the best way to figure out what I'm capable of is by testing the thoughts that I have." ([51:06])

Listeners are encouraged to challenge their limiting beliefs, embrace their capabilities, and take proactive steps toward building a resilient mindset.

Notable Quotes:

• "Our brains lie to us because if we're not careful, those thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy." – Amy Morin ([03:23])

• "Mistakes aren't the end of the world. That's how we learn, that's how we grow." – Amy Morin ([37:03])

• "Even when life is bad, I don't just have to idly sit around and wait for something good to come around the corner." – Amy Morin ([44:04])

This episode serves as a comprehensive guide for adults seeking to bolster their mental resilience. Through personal anecdotes, professional expertise, and practical strategies, Amy Morin provides listeners with the tools to navigate life's challenges with strength and grace.