Escaping the Drift - The Weekly Drop: The Art of Building Genuine Friendships

Summary

Podcast Summary: Escaping the Drift - The Weekly Drop: The Art of Building Genuine Friendships

Host: John Gafford
Episode: Escaping the Drift - The Weekly Drop: The Art of Building Genuine Friendships
Release Date: November 1, 2024

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Introduction

In this episode of "Escaping the Drift," host John Gafford delves into the intricate dynamics of forming and maintaining genuine friendships in adulthood. Titled "The Art of Building Genuine Friendships," the episode is part of the "Weekly Drop" series, where John shares personal reflections, insights, and strategies to overcome life's stagnations and achieve personal growth.

Reflection on Personal Friendships

John begins by candidly addressing a growing concern of his: having numerous acquaintances but very few close friends. He expresses the emotional toll of this realization, emphasizing the challenges that come with aging and changing life circumstances.

John Gafford [02:15]: "As the older you get, the harder it becomes to make good friends. People change, life happens, and the circle you once had starts to shrink."

He highlights how moving to a bustling city like Las Vegas offers numerous opportunities to meet people, yet distinguishing between true friends and mere acquaintances remains elusive. John shares a poignant observation about friends not reaching out during visits to his hometown, reinforcing his distinction between friends and acquaintances.

John Gafford [04:05]: "If I'm on my Instagram Stories and see friends in Vegas who didn’t call me, that’s an acquaintance. Friends would call each other when they’re nearby."

Strategies for Building Genuine Friendships

John transitions into discussing actionable strategies to cultivate deeper, more meaningful relationships. Drawing from his own experiences and insights from various books, he outlines several approaches:

1. Moving Beyond Small Talk

John emphasizes the importance of transcending superficial conversations to establish genuine connections. He references Marissa Franco's book, "Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends," highlighting the role of vulnerability and genuine curiosity in forming bonds.

John Gafford [06:30]: "Building a deeper connection often starts with vulnerability and genuine curiosity, helping us to create bonds based on mutual understanding instead of convenience."

He acknowledges the discomfort that can arise when asking personal questions and the fear of overstepping boundaries. To mitigate this, John suggests initiating deeper conversations by sharing personal stories first, thus fostering trust and openness.

2. Sharing Personal Stories

Referencing Laura Tremaine's "Share Your Stuff, I'll Go First," John discusses the significance of sharing personal anecdotes to break down barriers and build trust.

John Gafford [07:45]: "Sharing something personal creates a deeper foundation for friendships based on trust and emotional investment."

He reflects on his reluctance to open up and the importance of overcoming ego to allow vulnerability, which he believes is crucial in transforming acquaintances into friends.

3. Investing Time and Attention

John talks about the power of consistent effort in nurturing relationships. Drawing insights from "Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World," he underscores the necessity of scheduled time with friends to prevent loneliness and strengthen connections.

John Gafford [09:10]: "Scheduled time with friends helps combat loneliness and builds deeper connections, especially in today's busy world."

He shares his initial attempts at reaching out to acquaintances purely to check in, aiming to show genuine concern without any ulterior motives.

4. Embracing Conflict

In line with Jenny Allen's "Find Your People," John explores the idea that constructive conflict can strengthen friendships. He recounts a personal dispute with a close friend, illustrating how addressing tensions openly and compassionately can resolve misunderstandings and deepen trust.

John Gafford [11:35]: "Handling conflict with openness and compassion can strengthen bonds rather than break them."

This realization leads him to encourage listeners not to shy away from disagreements but to view them as opportunities for growth and stronger connections.

5. Prioritizing Friendships

Finally, John highlights the importance of making friendships a deliberate priority. Referencing Rachel Wilkerson Miller's "The Art of Showing Up," he advocates for scheduling regular social activities and meaningful conversations to maintain and deepen relationships.

John Gafford [13:20]: "Actively making time for friends deepens relationships by reinforcing that they matter to us now, not just hoping things happen organically."

He shares his struggle with planning and his commitment to improving by setting aside dedicated time for social interactions over the next six months.

Book Recommendations and Insights

Throughout the episode, John weaves in insights from several influential books that have shaped his approach to building friendships:

1. Platonic by Marissa Franco: Explores the science of attachment and its role in forming lasting friendships.
2. Share Your Stuff, I'll Go First by Laura Tremaine: Advocates for breaking down barriers through personal sharing.
3. Together by Unknown Author: Emphasizes the healing power of human connection.
4. Find Your People by Jenny Allen: Discusses the role of conflict in strengthening relationships.
5. The Art of Showing Up by Rachel Wilkerson Miller: Highlights the importance of intentional friendship building through scheduled interactions.

Personal Action Plan

John not only shares theories but also commits to personal growth by outlining a concrete action plan:

• Scheduled Check-Ins: John plans to integrate regular reminders into his calendar to reach out to three or four acquaintances each week, checking in without any specific agenda.

  John Gafford [15:50]: "I'm putting dedicated time into my calendar to reach out and see how people are doing, without expecting anything in return."

• Sharing Personal Stories: He aims to be more forthcoming with his own experiences to invite others to open up, fostering deeper connections.

• Embracing and Addressing Conflict: Learning from his past disputes, John intends to handle disagreements with openness and vulnerability to strengthen his friendships.

• Prioritizing Social Activities: Acknowledging his poor planning habits, John resolves to schedule social activities in advance, ensuring he allocates time for friendships despite his busy life.

John Gafford [17:30]: "I'm dedicated to this for the next six months to see where I'm at, and I'll do a follow-up to share my progress."

Conclusion

John wraps up the episode by encouraging listeners who find themselves in similar situations—having many acquaintances but few close friends—to adopt these strategies. He emphasizes that building genuine friendships requires intentional effort, vulnerability, and consistent action.

John Gafford [18:25]: "If you're someone with many acquaintances and few friends, maybe give this a whirl. Let's see where we are six months from now."

He invites listeners to engage with the show by visiting the website, joining the mailing list, and leaving reviews to support the podcast community.

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Notable Quotes:

• John Gafford [02:15]: "As the older you get, the harder it becomes to make good friends. People change, life happens, and the circle you once had starts to shrink."

• John Gafford [06:30]: "Building a deeper connection often starts with vulnerability and genuine curiosity, helping us to create bonds based on mutual understanding instead of convenience."

• John Gafford [07:45]: "Sharing something personal creates a deeper foundation for friendships based on trust and emotional investment."

• John Gafford [09:10]: "Scheduled time with friends helps combat loneliness and builds deeper connections, especially in today's busy world."

• John Gafford [11:35]: "Handling conflict with openness and compassion can strengthen bonds rather than break them."

• John Gafford [13:20]: "Actively making time for friends deepens relationships by reinforcing that they matter to us now, not just hoping things happen organically."

• John Gafford [15:50]: "I'm putting dedicated time into my calendar to reach out and see how people are doing, without expecting anything in return."

• John Gafford [17:30]: "I'm dedicated to this for the next six months to see where I'm at, and I'll do a follow-up to share my progress."

• John Gafford [18:25]: "If you're someone with many acquaintances and few friends, maybe give this a whirl. Let's see where we are six months from now."

Final Thoughts

"Escaping the Drift - The Weekly Drop: The Art of Building Genuine Friendships" offers a heartfelt exploration of the complexities of adult friendships. Through personal anecdotes, book insights, and actionable strategies, John Gafford provides a roadmap for listeners seeking to transform their social lives from superficial interactions to meaningful, lasting relationships. This episode serves as both a reflection and a call to action, inspiring individuals to invest in their personal connections and ultimately escape the drift of mediocrity.

Transcript

[John Gafford]

It had to be you.

[Travis Chappell]

Dang.

[Laura Tremaine]

You're not supposed to sound that good at karaoke.

[Travis Chappell]

You've just only heard me sing all stuffed up with nasal polyps. But now I'm on this medicine and breathing better. So this is me with less congestion.

[John Gafford]

Dupixent Dupilumab is an add on prescription maintenance treatment for uncontrolled chronic rhinosinusitis with nasal polyps in adults and children 12 years and up. It can help shrink your nasal polyps so you can breathe better with less congestion. Plus, it's an alternative to surgery.

[Travis Chappell]

Oh, this is your song. Wish I was singing.

[John Gafford]

After congested you, severe newer allergic reactions can occur. Get help right away for face, mouth, tongue or throat swelling, wheezing or trouble breathing. Tell your doctor right away of signs of inflamed blood vessels like rash, chest pain, worsening, shortness of breath, tingling or numbness in limbs. Tell your doctor of new or worsening eye problems like eye pain or vision changes, joint aches and pain, or a parasitic infection or asthma. Don't change or stop steroid asthma or other treatments without talking to your doctor.

[Travis Chappell]

Do more with less nasal polyps. Ask your doctor about DUPIXENT.

[John Gafford]

Learn more at DUPIXENT.com or call 1-844-.

[Travis Chappell]

DUPIXENT from the podcast that gets you from where you are to where you want to be escaping the drift. This is the Weekly Drop with John Gafford. No matter what platform you're watching or listening to us on, make sure you like, subscribe and comment. And now, the Drop. Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of the Weekly Drop man, my little private podcast, which is just me here in the studio talking to you about things that I find interesting or things that I think will help you. And this week, man, I gotta be honest with you, it's more about me than it is about you. And what I mean by that is I wanted to do a podcast about something that's been troubling me, man, kind of lately and kind of how I am. And so I figured me being a problem solver and what I do is I do research and try to figure out how to get better when things aren't going the way that I want it to go. And the topic of what's been kind of bugging me lately is I've realized as I've gotten older, I have a shit ton of acquaintances and very few friends. And I know there's little memes everywhere that says it's better to have two good friends than 500 acquaintances, but I'm just. I'm not somebody that really believes that. And as you get older, you know, people change, things happen. People come into your life, they go out of your life. But the older you get, the harder it really becomes to make good friends. And what started me thinking down this line was my good friend Travis Chappell. Check out his podcast, which is Travis Makes Friends. Just did his little solo drop on this deal, and I listened to it. I thought, man, that was pretty profound. Because one of the things about living in Vegas, right, and living here in this town is because there's so much going on here, from conventions to events and this and that you really kind of get. It's a great litmus test for who's really your friend and who is really just an acquaintance. And that line to me has become, you know, when people come to town, if I'm on my Stories Instagram and I see them in Vegas and they didn't call me, that's okay. That's an acquaintance. Because friends kind of call each other when they go to town. Like, I couldn't imagine going to certain places in the United States where I have friends that live there and not calling them. Like, I just can't even get my head around that. And, you know, it's a. It's a little troubling because sometimes when you move people from that friend category to that acquaintance category, it's kind of like, damn, that kind of sucks, man. It's a little. A little brutal. And the older you get as your circle gets smaller and the harder it gets to meet people or become really good friends with people, you know, you start to feel, I don't care who you are, you feel a little lonely. And I think when you're looking for friends, and I think you're looking for that friend group when you're a little dude, it's easy. You like the monkey bars, I like the monkey bars. Let's be friends. Did we just become best friends? Yep, we sure did. But as you get older, you value people for different things, and I think people look for different value out of folks. And when I say older, I mean even, like, look in high school, right? You know, the popular kids take an interest in you. You want to hang out with the popular kids because they raise your social status. As you get a little older, maybe you start networking on a business side, so you look for people that are in the same business as you or can help you with your business. But the older and older you get, the less and less and less that kind of works. And it gets difficult because you get your own life. You get kids, you get, you know, you get. If you're successful in business, you get somewhat separated from everybody else and time goes on. People start to think, too, if you're someone that has like, like, like me, that has a relatively large public Persona town, anyway, people just assume that, like, I'm always busy, always something going on, so you don't get invited to a lot of stuff. And it's weird. And when you do get invited to things and you can't go, for whatever reason, it's just like, man, I can't go, but please invite me again. So I'm not going to give you stories today of great success, of what I've done to do this. I'm going to give you some books that I found this week and some tips that they give you on how hopefully I can get better. Because one of the things that stuck out to me from Travis's podcast was, if you want more friends, be a better friend. And you start questioning, okay, cool. Am I doing everything I can to be a better friend to others, to be more attractive and get in the inner circle? So the first thing I'm gonna talk about is getting beyond small talk with people, which can be really hard, especially when you're dealing with, you know, people that are grown, with families and careers and jobs, and especially when you're the new person breaking into new click. Like, for example, I just joined a new country club not too long ago, and I've met a bunch of great people there, but I don't know that I have a bunch of people up there that I would call friends. Yet I have a lot of acquaintances because I haven't quite gotten over that hump yet with a lot of those people. Beyond relatively small talk and in the book Platonic how the Science of attachment can help you make and keep friends by Marissa Franco, which I found this week, Marissa explains that building a deeper connection often starts with vulnerability and genuine curiosity, helping us to create bonds based on mutual understanding instead of convenience. Now, for me, dude, I don't know if you, if this is you too, but for me, hard thing about this is, like, when do you ask a really personal question? Like, when you don't want to be like a creep? Like, you're prying if you're not, like, on that level. So for me, it's probably more superficial just out of fear of overstepping my bounds with somebody because, you know, it's like, bro, is that an inner circle question or is it not but according to this person, you have to kind of just get over that and cross that threshold. And hopefully people don't look at you like you're a crazy person. Hopefully they look at you like, you know, yeah, man. They answer you with genuine concern. Now, one of the things I took away from this this week was I don't do enough of when people have things going on in their life, and I know they have things going on. I don't. I'm not. Have not been good enough about just reaching out for no reason to say, hey, just checking in to see how it's going. And I've made a concerted effort this week to do that with several people that I am acquaintances. And some people I would consider my friends just because I know they have some stuff going on, reaching out to make sure they're okay. I think, I think you got to get out of your own way with your own busy life and really do that, get to the deeper issues. And I've got some folks that have some major life stuff going on and just checking on them just to see how they're doing without any agenda for getting anything back for it at all. The second thing, again, kind of goes with the same thing of initiating that deeper type of conversation and transforming somebody from an acquaintance to a friend is by sharing something personal. Not asking something personal, but sharing something. So Laura Tremaine's book share your stuff, I'll Go first, encourages breaking through barriers by sharing personal stories and asking intentional questions like what's something? Like what's something? Has something like that ever changed you? These deeper questions will create a deeper foundation for friendships based on trust and emotional investment. Well, again, maybe getting out of my own way, sharing those personal, deep stories. I guess this is a good first start. You know, I'm sending this out to what, I mean, a hundred thousand people that, you know, get my podcast and I'm sending this out saying I don't have enough friends. I guess that's step one, I guess. But. But yeah, I guess it's getting over that hump of getting out of your own way and losing your ego to a point where it's okay to share things about yourself and getting that done. Next point, invest time and attention. Discuss the power and consistency.

[Narrator]

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[Laura Tremaine]

Hey, it smells so good in here.

[John Gafford]

Yep, that'd be the coffee.

[Travis Chappell]

I know.

[Laura Tremaine]

It's just I've had nasal polyps for so long now I'm on this medicine and my congestion and breathing are much better.

[John Gafford]

Dupixent Dupilumab is an add on prescription maintenance treatment for uncontrolled chronic rhinosinusitis with nasal polyps in adults and children 12 years and up. It can help shrink your nasal polyps so you can breathe better with less congestion.

[Laura Tremaine]

I'm pretty jazzed about it. Plus, I don't want another surgery and now I might not need one.

[John Gafford]

So what can I get you?

[Laura Tremaine]

Oh, medium coffee, please.

[John Gafford]

Severe allergic reactions can occur. Get help right away for face, mouth, tongue or throat swelling, wheezing or trouble breathing. Tell your doctor right away of signs of inflamed blood vessels like rash, chest pain, worsening shortness of breath, tingling or numbness in limbs. Tell your doctor of new or worsening eye problems like eye pain or vision changes, joint aches and pain, or a parasitic infection or asthma. Don't change or stop steroid asthma or other treatments without talking to your doctor.

[Laura Tremaine]

Do more with less nasal polyps. Ask your doctor about Dupixent.

[John Gafford]

Learn more at dupixent.com or call 1-844-dupixent.

[Travis Chappell]

I'm checking in regularly. I kind of hit this a minute ago, but again in the book Together the Healing and Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World advocates scheduled time with friends to combat loneliness and build connection, especially in today's busy world. So checking in with folks, like I said before, this is more of I don't schedule this. Like I don't think about it until I think about it. And I think that's most people like we don't. You don't think about drinking a glass of Water, in most cases, unless you're thirsty, you don't think about food. Unless you're hungry, you don't think about. I don't have enough friends. Unless you're like, I don't really have anybody. Go to the hockey game with tonight. Like, shit. Like, I've called my three people that normally go, and now I'm kind of strapped. You know what I'm saying? You don't think about it till then. And I think this is a great. I think this is a good metaphor for anything in life. Thinking about things before it's a problem is a great recipe and a great solution for success. So I think systematically putting in my calendar, I think this is something I need to do and I'm probably gonna do right when we get done with this is just put in my calendar. Little reminders throughout the week to check in and reach out to three or four people and just see how they're doing. Just check in. Just to check in. But by scheduling it, hopefully those relationship, those acquaintances that I have will manifest into deeper friendships going forward. Hopefully that'll work. I thought this was really, really interesting. In the book Find your people by Jenny Allen, she was talking about how conflict can be good. Now, I'm not saying I'm gonna go out and pick a fight with people, but she says conflict is seen as a growing, as a growth point, helping friends move beyond superficial connections. She discusses how handling conflict with openness and compassion can strengthen bonds rather than break them. And I thought about this dude, and I was like, does this make any sense? Like, don't pick fights with people. But I think so many times as an adult, when you have conflict with somebody you're acquaintance with or friends with or whatever it is, sometimes it's easier just to be like, man, this is too much fucking trouble. You know, I'm just going to move on. I'm just going to get past it. And I'll tell you, there was a moment not too long ago, this is maybe like a year ago, maybe a year and a half ago. And I won't name the name, but something that's a very, very good friend of mine. I got in a. I got. I got in a. In a. In a dispute with them. We'll just say over something where I wasn't being completely forthright with some financial ramifications of a situation that were forcing me to act a certain way or make a certain decision a certain way. And that decision also affected them financially and they didn't understand why I was making the decision. And it caused a huge problem. And it, and it was my fault because I think had I just been completely honest with the situation, then there wouldn't have been a big blow up. But it was bad, dude. It was a bad, bad fight. And I ended up coming down off my little high horse and really saying, hey, man, in a very vulnerable way, explaining the dire straits of that particular situation and what had happened. And I think. And immediately this person, because they're a wonderful person, acquiesced and understood what was going on and was like, dude, you should have fucking told me that in the first place. And everything was kind of okay after that. But I genuinely feel that that is probably the biggest argument I've had with somebody I would consider a friend. And I can't even remember another instance where there was a situation where somebody I would consider a close friend I was in that big of a tiff with. And I gotta tell you, I think we were better friends after it. There's something to this. So I guess the message here, and I guess, and I told a story not a couple weeks ago on a podcast where a kid that works here and his buddy, you know, go back and listen to that one where I was talking about communication, whereas his buddy, they had a big fight. And I think they're closer now after the end of that. So I guess the moral of that story is if you have a problem with somebody you're close to, don't just walk away from it. Like, understand that on the other side of that problem, there's probably going to be a better relationship. There probably is. So something to do that, you know, again. And then the last thing is making this a priority. Talk about prioritizing friendships in your life by setting aside time for social activities and meaningful conversations, especially when life gets busy. In the Art of Showing up by Rachel Rachel Wilkerson Miller, which is another book I found the importance of intentional friendship building is emphasized. Miller highlights the need to actively make time for friends, which deepens relationships by reinforcing them. Because it means that they matter to us now so much, so much time. We want things to happen organically. And it's so funny, you know, I think if you're a married person, and I think we all have this, I have a very dear friend of mine and he's the single guy in our group. He is the long term bachelor, if you will, and he's probably the most loved guy among all of the married guys. And the reason, probably part of that is, is because he can just go with the Flow. Like when any of us get like that, oh my God, I have five seconds to do this. You call him, he's like, I'm down, let's go. Right. But when you have other responsibilities, God bless him for that. But when you have other responsibilities in life, you got to understand everybody else has other responsibilities too. So you have to plan some of this stuff out. I'm not a good planner. I've been very bad about that. I want to. You know, I'm still trying to live like I'm 32 years old, trying to figure out what bar I'm going to in South Tampa. You know, it's like Friday night, 5:30, what are we doing? And everybody's like, oh, dude, I got kids. I got this. I got that, I got this, I got that, I got. You know, I've had plans for three weeks with this other person. And I think to myself, like, how do these people have all these plans? Yeah, because they're responsible adults. And they made these plans weeks ago. Just what they did. I'm so busy trying to fit in my social life around kids at work that it just doesn't exist. I gotta do a better job, you know, just same thing like with your marriage. If you want a good marriage, you have to schedule time with your spouse. You should schedule a date night. You need to do that for your friends too. I saw something the other day. It was talking about how men need like four adventures a year with their guys. Whether that's a golf trip or, you know, playing Indiana Jones in Egypt. You need four trips like that a year to keep yourself maintained, to keep yourself like that edge to yourself, to be a good father, husband, all that stuff. I've neglected that completely and totally neglected that. So I'll do a follow up. I'm going to give this all a whirl. I'm going to get dedicated to this for the next six months. I'm going to see where I'm at at six months from now and I'll do a follow up. But if you're somebody that is much like me, million acquaintances, very few friends, and that bothers you, maybe give this a whirl. We'll see you next week. What's up, everybody? Thanks for joining us for another episode of Escaping the Drift. Hope you got a bunch out of it, or at least as much as I did out of it. Anyway, if you want to learn more about the show, you can always go over to escapingthedrift.com you can join our mailing list. But do me a favor, if you wouldn't mind throw up that five star review. Give us a share. Do something man. We're here for you. Hopefully you'll be here for us. But anyway, in the meantime we will see you at the next episode.

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