Excellent Executive Coaching Podcast, Episode 365
Guest: Dr. John Demartini
Host: Dr. Katrina Burrus, PhD, MCC
Original Air Date: January 21, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Katrina Burrus interviews renowned human behavior expert Dr. John Demartini on the profound impact of living by one’s core values. They explore how clarity on personal priorities leads to greater resilience, adaptability, and authentic fulfillment—contrasting “positive thinking” with a more balanced mindset. Dr. Demartini shares practical methods for discovering and acting on one’s true values, provides real-world examples from executive coaching, and introduces the core tenets of his Demartini Method. The conversation is rich with insights on personal growth, business leadership, and why embracing both sides of life’s challenges is essential for lasting success.

Key Themes and Discussion Points

The Limits of Positive Thinking

• Dr. Demartini explains why “positive thinking” alone is incomplete:
  • “Positive thinking has a place in life, but by itself it’s incomplete. If you’re infatuated with somebody and blind to the downsides, you need a little skepticism… you need a balance, perspective. You need to be able to see both sides of people.” (00:44)
  • He advocates for “balanced thinking” over relentless positivity, arguing that genuine love and wisdom come from recognizing both the upsides and downsides of people and situations.

The Power of a Priority Mindset

• Living by highest values fuels resilience and adaptability:
  • “Each individual lives by a set of priorities… when they’re living by their highest value, the thing that’s most important, the blood glucose and oxygen goes into the forebrain, the medial prefrontal cortex… They have more resilience and adaptability.” (01:49)
  • Acting from personal priorities, not external obligations, expands one’s “space and time horizons,” enhances vision, and enables handling life’s complexities with greater ease.

Discovering True Values: The Value Determination Process

• A practical tool for self-clarity:
  • Dr. Demartini describes his free online assessment: “On my website drdemartini.com there is a free private value determination process… to narrow down what their life objectively demonstrates is most important.” (03:29)
  • This process helps people distinguish between “oughts” (social expectations) and their authentic “is” (what their life actually demonstrates in daily actions).
  • “Structuring your life by priority and… delegating lower priority distractions liberates you to self actualize and build momentum.” (03:29)

Case Study: Resolving Internal Value Conflict

• Example of coaching a client to live authentically:
  • Dr. Demartini recounts a client who believed her top value was her children, but her actions revealed her business took precedence.
  • By acknowledging her authentic value on business, delegating effectively, and releasing societal pressure, she found more peace and quality time with her children.
  • “Being honest with yourself and authentic to yourself about what it is and stop trying to be second at being somebody else is liberating.” (04:51)

Notable Quote:

“Your life demonstrates your values. So, we… helped her break the illusion and the internal conflict… the reality was her business was, but she didn’t want to face that because she was feeling the pressure of society.” (04:51)

Consequences of Not Living by Your Values

• Dr. Demartini details how internal conflict manifests physically, emotionally, and behaviorally:
  • “You will automatically feel fatigued because you’re spontaneously inspired in your highest value and you need external motivation to get you to do lower priority things.” (07:18)
  • Symptoms are feedback mechanisms urging a return to authenticity.

The Demartini Method: Balancing Perception and Embracing Both Sides

• The method consists of reflective questions:
  • “A series of very concise questions that make you conscious of what has been unconscious… instead of emotionally reacting, you’re proacting and it’s assisting you in living congruently according to what you value.” (08:18)
  • Emphasizing embracing both pleasure and pain (not escaping discomfort):
  • “This is the realization that pain and pleasure is part of life and to embrace both of them because… to maximize your potential.” (09:43)

Example of Method Questions (10:45)

• “What specific trait, action, or inaction do you perceive this specific individual displaying or demonstrating that you dislike or despise or want to avoid most?”
• Then, “go to a moment where and when you perceive yourself displaying or demonstrating that same specific trait action.”

The Role of Challenge in Growth and Leadership

• Challenge is necessary for growth:
  • “If we get nothing but support, we become juvenile dependent... You maximize your growth [with] a perfect balance of support and challenge.” (11:56)
  • “If you’re not filling your day with challenges that inspire you, your day’s going to fill up with challenges that don’t.” (11:56)

Notable Quote:

“The most powerful people that have had the biggest influence in the world… are looking for challenges in society, problems that the world is facing, and they’re going after and tackling them.” (11:56)

Gratitude, Neurology, and Sustainable Balance

• How gratitude centers us neurologically:
  • “Some have actually defined the ventral medial prefrontal cortex as the gratitude center... when you live by priority, you have a higher degree of gratitude.” (14:19)
  • Living in alignment with one’s values fosters fair exchange and health, while ingratitude and self-deception breed imbalance and stress.

Notable Quote:

“The gratitude center of the executive function is basically designed as a feedback to guide us to maximizing our potential as a human being.” (14:19)

Pursuing Meaning versus Chasing Happiness

• Dr. Demartini’s take on fulfillment:

  • “I don’t waste my time pursuing happiness. I take that word out of the vocabulary personally. I wrote a book called Gave Up Happiness. It made me too sad.” (16:24)
  • He references Aristotle’s concept of eudaimonia (a meaningful life), advocating for striving for fulfillment and meaning, not just fleeting hedonistic “happiness.”

• On the illusion of the “one-sided” happy life:

  • “People are trying to find fulfillment by getting rid of half of themselves. You will not ever find fulfillment trying to get rid of half of yourself. You want to learn how to love both sides of yourself and both sides of experiences…” (17:32)
  • Bipolarity results from “monopolar addiction:” seeking only one side of life and suppressing the rest.

Transforming Crisis and the Power of Questions

• Crisis as a catalyst for growth:
  • “A crisis is a perception… If you run the story and become victim of history… you’re going to stay stuck.”
  • “If you ask and hold yourself accountable, you will see that this thing is on the way, not in the way. And then the crisis becomes a blessing. And it was sitting there the whole time, but you didn’t take the time to look.” (19:18)

Notable Quote:

“Anything you can’t say thank you for is baggage. Anything you can say thank you for is fuel.” (19:18)

• Asking Liberating Questions:
  • The essence: “The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask.” (19:18)

Memorable Quotes

• “Positive thinking has a place… but by itself would be incomplete.” — Dr. John Demartini (00:44)
• “Being honest with yourself and authentic to yourself about what it is and stop trying to be second at being somebody else is liberating.” (04:51)
• “If we get nothing but support, we become juvenile dependent… If you’re not filling your day with challenges that inspire you, your day’s going to fill up with challenges that don’t.” (11:56)
• “I don’t waste my time pursuing happiness… I pursue fulfillment and meaningfulness.” (16:24)
• “Anything you can’t say thank you for is baggage. Anything you can say thank you for is fuel.” (19:18)
• “The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask.” (19:18)

Key Timestamps

• 00:44 — Dr. Demartini on the limits of positive thinking
• 01:49 — The physiology of living by your highest values
• 03:29 — Practical guidance: Dr. Demartini’s value determination process
• 04:51 — Client example: reconciling personal and social values
• 07:18 — Physical and psychological consequences of not living your values
• 08:18 — Explaining the Demartini Method and its uniqueness
• 10:45 — Sample reflective questions from the method
• 11:56 — Why challenge is essential for business growth and resilience
• 14:19 — Gratitude, brain function, and the “gratitude center”
• 16:24 — Why “happiness” isn’t the aim; choosing meaning and fulfillment
• 17:32 — The danger of pursuing a one-sided (only positive) life
• 19:18 — Seeing crisis as opportunity; transforming baggage into fuel

Resources Mentioned

• Dr. Demartini’s Free Value Determination Process:
  drdemartini.com
• Books Referenced:
  • “Gave Up Happiness, It Made Me Too Sad” (Dr. John Demartini)
• Suggested Psychological Concepts:
  • Hedonic adaptation, moral licensing, and Aristotle’s eudaimonia

For those seeking actionable frameworks for genuine personal and professional growth, Dr. Demartini’s methods—as discussed in this episode—offer a roadmap to discovering authentic values, embracing life’s dualities, and transforming adversity into fuel for excellence.