Fail Better with David Duchovny

Episode: "Fail Again: The Buoyancy of Rob Lowe"

Lemonada Media | February 10, 2026

Episode Overview

In this deeply insightful exchange, host David Duchovny sits down with longtime friend and actor Rob Lowe to discuss the central theme of failure—not as a scarlet letter, but as a source of growth, resilience, and, ultimately, buoyancy. The two trace Rob’s journey from 1980s stardom, through personal and professional setbacks, to enduring happiness, marriage, and a thriving career. They touch on childhood wounds, marriage and parenting, the changing landscape of show business, shame, humility, and spiritual growth—all with humor, candor, and warmth.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Opening Banter: Cold Plunges, Birthdays, and Roasts

• [03:44] - [07:50] The conversation starts with lighthearted jokes about their wintery attire and cold plunges before shifting to Rob’s 60th birthday roast, hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr.
  • Memorable quote:
    "Turning 60 is not for sissies." (Rob Lowe, 05:42)
  • The roast leads to a recurring theme: Rob’s openness to being lampooned as a form of strength. Duchovny suggests that this “buoyancy” is a signature part of Rob’s character:
    “Rob is buoyant…He bobs along these turbulent waters, but he’s always on top of the water.” (David Duchovny, 07:10)
• Rob credits his willingness to be the butt of jokes to both his heroes and his own melancholic childhood.

Childhood, Divorce, and the Roots of People-Pleasing

• [08:45] - [11:20] Both men discuss the long-term impact of their parents’ divorces.
  • Rob remembers being a melancholy kid post-divorce and notes his impulse to “people please” and be funny as a way of coping:
    "I was melancholy. Like a melancholy kid." (Rob Lowe, 09:33)
  • Duchovny shares his own fatherless upbringing and how it shaped his approach to parenting:
    "I felt like I was making it up, you know. I felt like I was just treading water." (David Duchovny, 10:54)

Marriage & Forgiveness: How to Fight Well

• [13:18] - [19:01] Rob discusses his 34-year marriage to Cheryl and their shared commitment not to repeat the trauma of their own childhood divorces.
  • Practical advice from therapy: During fights, each partner talks uninterrupted for five minutes. Hearing yourself back can “deflate” anger:
    "Do you know how hard it is to talk for five minutes, no matter how angry you are, without any feedback?" (Rob Lowe, 17:05)
  • The power of forgiveness is emphasized as key to their longevity.
• Rob shares an anecdote about a therapist’s assignment: stand in front of a McDonald’s and ask strangers where McDonald’s is, to examine his own comfort with public embarrassment.

The Nature of Memory & Storytelling

• [21:24] - [23:14] The conversation turns meta, as Rob notes how telling stories repeatedly for his one-man show has warped his own sense of what’s real:
  • “When we remember an event or a story, we’re not actually remembering the event or the story. We’re remembering the last time we remembered the event.” (David Duchovny, 21:24)
  • This leads to a meditation on the reliability of memory and the subtle distances we grow from our own stories.

Onstage Authenticity & the Audience as Co-Star

• [25:34] - [27:49] Duchovny points out the audience's transformative role in any live performance, not as mere spectators but as the other "character" in the show.
  • "It's not a monologue, it's a dialogue… and you've got to be alive and improvisational." (David Duchovny, 25:43)
  • Rob lights up at this description and describes the experience as the reason he returns to the stage:
    “You feel alive, present, improvisational, on point, keyed up, focused.” (Rob Lowe, 26:15)
  • Both reflect on the connective, almost spiritual power of live performance.

Family Patterns & the Meaning of Work

• [28:04] - [34:24] Rob shares the story of his grandfather, a talented artist who gave up his craft for financial security, only to suffer as a result. This underscores the ongoing tension between artistry and earning a living.
  • Rob is adamant:
    “I don’t subscribe to the issue… that your relationship between commerce and art is a correlation of your level of artistry.” (Rob Lowe, 31:47)
  • Duchovny admits that childhood scarcity still shadows his anxieties, regardless of success.

Shame, Humility & Sobriety

• [39:46] - [51:32] Duchovny raises the subject of shame as both a regulator for social behavior and a source of personal limitation.
  • Rob shares how, in his youth, he overcompensated by becoming “impervious” to shame. Only in sobriety did he learn the difference between healthy shame (the basis of social morality) and destructive forms.
  • The “shameless creature” story—a character Joel Schumacher based on Rob—captures Rob’s shifting self-awareness around shame:
    • “To have no shame, you just, you follow the logic to its ultimate conclusion, you have no morality.” (Rob Lowe, 45:27)
  • Both reflect on the practice of humility over humiliation—a distinction they believe is misunderstood in modern culture.
    • “The real, real, real goats…They’re all unbelievably humble, all of them. It’s the pretenders that have no humility.” (Rob Lowe, 50:15)

Resentment, Recovery, and Spiritual Practice

• [51:58] - [57:11] Rob details how ongoing recovery requires relentless daily work on resentments—the real trigger for relapse.
  • “It’s having a resentment is like drinking poison and meant for your enemy.” (Rob Lowe paraphrasing, 53:27)
• Both describe the illusion that self-work ends at a finish line, when in reality it is perpetual:
  • "It’s a daily practice in many ways… you actually have to exercise it daily." (David Duchovny, 53:43)
• The conversation moves to spirituality, as Rob recalls how faking faith out of necessity became genuine through lived experience (“fake it till you make it”).

Legacy, Regret, and Living Apology

• [58:17] - [61:14] Duchovny lauds Rob for his resilience and the way he displays hurt without self-pity.
  • “Your apology has been… the most beautiful because it's the way in which you live your life.” (David Duchovny, 60:17)
• Rob acknowledges the ongoing challenge of knowing what to reveal and what to hold private, ultimately circling back to the value of simply making “the next right choice.”

Notable Quotes & Moments (by Timestamp)

• Rob Lowe on Roasts & Buoyancy:
  • “But it’s my shit. Yes, there’s nothing worse than being forgotten.” (07:50)
• Duchovny on Divorce's Impact:
  • “I did not believe that you could do a divorce well… it is a trauma for the child, no matter how well you do it.” (11:09)
• On Fighting Well in Marriage:
  • “You fire your most angry shot, and it lands with a thud because they're not allowed to say anything for five minutes…” (17:05)
• On Fame & Generosity:
  • “To me, that’s what a star is… That was your character. It speaks to your character.” (36:39)
• On Memory:
  • “We’re not actually remembering the event, we’re remembering the last time we remembered the event…” (21:24)
• Resilience through Setbacks:
  • “Every great artist you can name painted for money.” (32:17)
• Humility in Greatness:
  • “The real, real, real goats…all unbelievably humble, all of them.” (50:15)
• On Recovery & Resentments:
  • “Having a resentment is like drinking poison meant for your enemy.” (53:27)
• On Living Amends:
  • “Your apology...is the way in which you live your life.” (60:17)

Segment Timestamps of Note

• 00:00 – 02:08: Ads, show intro (skipped)
• 03:44 – 07:50: Birthday roasts & personal buoyancy
• 08:45 – 11:20: Impact of parental divorce
• 13:18 – 19:01: Longevity of marriage, therapy, and forgiveness
• 21:24 – 23:14: The mutability of memory in storytelling
• 25:34 – 27:49: Audience as essential to live performance; acting’s “alive” moments
• 28:04 – 34:24: Family history and the meaning of work
• 39:46 – 51:32: Shame, humility, sobriety practices
• 51:58 – 57:11: Recovery and the ongoing struggle with resentment
• 58:17 – 61:14: Grace, legacy, and living a life of quiet apology

Tone & Atmosphere

The episode is candid, warm, and frequently self-deprecating. Both Duchovny and Lowe move fluidly between humor and vulnerability. Their shared history, including time working together, adds an undercurrent of affection and authenticity.

Summary Takeaway

Rob Lowe engages with the theme of failure not by burying pain or shame, but by letting it teach resilience, humility, and joy. He is buoyant—not invincible, but floating and pressing forward. This deeply personal episode offers practical wisdom on relationships, recovery, humility, and self-knowledge. Both actors model how acknowledging and learning from pain leads not just to surviving failure, but, as Beckett suggests, to failing better.

For listeners seeking strategies for confronting personal setbacks or simply craving thoughtful, funny, and unguarded conversation about how we grow, this episode delivers.