Fail Better with David Duchovny – Episode: Gretchen Rubin Wants to Make You Happy/ish

Host: David Duchovny
Guest: Gretchen Rubin
Release Date: January 7, 2025
Produced by: Lemonada Media

Introduction

In this illuminating episode of Fail Better, David Duchovny engages in a profound conversation with Gretchen Rubin, a renowned author and happiness expert. Rubin, known for her bestselling books like The Happiness Project and her insightful podcast Happier, shares her journey from a successful law career to becoming a leading voice on happiness and human behavior. Together, they explore the intricate dynamics of happiness, failure, and personal growth.

Defining Happiness

Understanding the Complexity of Happiness

David opens the discussion by sharing his childhood struggles with understanding happiness, recounting how his mother’s recurring question, “Are you happy?” often left him perplexed.

David Duchovny [00:52]: “I could never understand the question. I would say, I don't even know what that means, mom.”

Gretchen echoes this sentiment, emphasizing the multifaceted nature of happiness and her belief that it shouldn’t be confined to a rigid definition.

Gretchen Rubin [04:38]: “There are 15 academic definitions of happiness. I think everybody should just find what works for them.”

She advocates for a personalized approach, suggesting that individuals focus on actions that make them feel happier rather than adhering to a strict definition.

Gretchen Rubin [04:58]: “If you do a certain action this week, this month, this year, is it gonna make you happier?”

Action vs. Thought

The Power of Actions in Shaping Emotions

A pivotal point in their conversation revolves around the idea that actions can influence emotions. David introduces the concept of "fake it till you make it," questioning whether acting a certain way can lead to genuine feelings.

David Duchovny [14:30]: “It's like, I'm gonna go give him a kiss. And now it's like, oh, my God, I love that guy.”

Gretchen reinforces this by highlighting the symbiotic relationship between making others happy and one's own happiness.

Gretchen Rubin [08:21]: “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy... And what's also true is that one of the best ways to make other people happier is to be happy yourself.”

They discuss practical strategies, such as initiating warm interactions, which can enhance feelings of connection and happiness.

Embracing Failure

Redefining Failure as Growth Opportunities

Failure is a central theme of Fail Better, and this episode delves deep into its significance. Gretchen encourages embracing failure without reproach, contrasting it with the often unspoken fear surrounding it.

Gretchen Rubin [31:03]: “Enjoy the fun of failure. Like, things won't work out, things aren't going to go well, and if you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.”

David relates this to his experiences in acting and creation, acknowledging that continual failure is integral to growth and learning.

David Duchovny [32:05]: “It's like the atmosphere of growth that's no longer... Sometimes shame will rear its ugly head from time to time.”

Personal Journeys

From Law to Happiness Advocacy

Gretchen shares her transformative journey from a successful law career to becoming a happiness advocate. She recounts her decision to leave law, driven by a lack of passion and a desire to explore what truly makes her happy.

Gretchen Rubin [27:24]: “I was just good at doing what I needed to do.”

Her transition involved rigorous self-exploration and research, leading to the creation of her seminal work, The Happiness Project.

Gretchen Rubin [37:55]: “I had no clue that I didn't want to continue in law. I just felt like I wasn't happy.”

David empathizes with Gretchen's path, relating it to his own experiences of authenticity in his work and the balance between success and personal fulfillment.

Conclusion

Integrating Happiness into Daily Life

As the conversation wraps up, Gretchen emphasizes the importance of integrating happiness practices into everyday life without feeling constrained by them. She highlights the continuous journey of personal growth and understanding.

Gretchen Rubin [53:49]: “I have a base on which to understand more. So I do feel like I am growing in terms of deepening my understanding.”

David reflects on the discussion, recognizing the balance between striving for happiness and embracing the inherent uncertainties of life.

David Duchovny [56:22]: “Talking with Gretchen put me in touch with this notion because Gretchen is very much in touch herself with the truth.”

Key Takeaways

• Personal Definitions: Happiness is subjective; individuals should define what makes them happy without adhering to a universal standard.

• Action-Oriented Approach: Engaging in positive actions can foster genuine feelings of happiness, supporting the "act out your happiness" philosophy.

• Embracing Failure: Viewing failure as a natural and beneficial part of personal growth can alleviate the fear and shame often associated with it.

• Authentic Pursuits: Pursuing passions authentically, even if it means deviating from a successful path, can lead to greater fulfillment and happiness.

Notable Quotes:

• David Duchovny [00:52]: “I could never understand the question. I would say, I don't even know what that means, mom.”

• Gretchen Rubin [04:38]: “There are 15 academic definitions of happiness. I think everybody should just find what works for them.”

• Gretchen Rubin [08:21]: “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy... And what's also true is that one of the best ways to make other people happier is to be happy yourself.”

• Gretchen Rubin [31:03]: “Enjoy the fun of failure. Like, things won't work out, things aren't going to go well, and if you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.”

• Gretchen Rubin [53:49]: “I have a base on which to understand more. So I do feel like I am growing in terms of deepening my understanding.”

This episode of Fail Better offers listeners a nuanced exploration of happiness, emphasizing the importance of personal definitions, actionable strategies, and the constructive role of failure in achieving personal growth and fulfillment.