Fail Better with David Duchovny

Episode: Tom Pelphrey Wouldn’t Change a Day

Release Date: September 16, 2025
Host: David Duchovny
Guest: Tom Pelphrey

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode centers on the inevitability and necessity of failure as a means of growth, using actor Tom Pelphrey’s personal journey as a springboard. David Duchovny and Pelphrey have a candid, deeply reflective conversation about career struggles, personal struggles with identity and addiction, mentorship, recovery, and how facing life’s hardest moments can ultimately lead to immense gratitude and transformation.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

Tom’s Early Life & Search for Belonging

• Escape to Solitude in the Catskills: After 15 years in Brooklyn, Tom craved solitude and moved to the remote Catskills, finding peace reminiscent of magical, safe childhood memories.

  "Three years ago, living upstate New York in the Catskill Mountains, halfway up a mountain in the middle of the woods on a dirt road... me and my German shepherd." —Tom Pelphrey (02:39)

• Impact of Male Mentorship: Tom credits a high school teacher, Mr. Kazakoff, with changing his life and instilling a disciplined work ethic and respect for craft.

  "It was the first thing I was kind of good at... But my teacher was incredible, he put in a work ethic that has never gone away." —Tom Pelphrey (04:08)

• Parental Absence & Need for Male Figures: Tom discusses the impact of his parents’ divorce and the craving for male mentorship.

  "There was this 14-year-old boy who was craving a man... and my teacher was incredible... fair but firm..." —Tom Pelphrey (04:59)

Acting as Craft, Identity, and “Grind”

• Soap Opera Years as Crucible: Tom went straight from Rutgers to “Guiding Light,” filming 55 pages a day—far more than typical film or TV.

  "We filmed 55 pages a day, pretty much. Because you're doing a full hour of TV every day, a new episode." —Tom Pelphrey (09:21)
  "That would be a light day sometimes." —Tom Pelphrey (09:16)

• Learning By Doing: Both Duchovny and Pelphrey reflect on the grind of daily performance as the surest teacher, contrasting it with the hierarchy of arts (film vs. TV vs. soap).

  “People, you know, because of our stratified kind of hierarchy of what's art, you lose track of the moral fortitude that it takes to go in and do that much work every day.” —David Duchovny (09:02)

• Moving from Stage to Screen: Tom shares the awkward initial adjustment from theater to acting in front of a camera, and learning through self-review not to be too rigid.

  "Coming from theater, everyone's like, you're going to be in front of a camera, don't move... I look like Frankenstein's monster." —Tom Pelphrey (10:34)

Coping with Failure and Structure Loss

• Ego Crash After Leaving the Soap: At 24, Tom leaves “Guiding Light,” expecting big things, but is instead humbled by a lack of structure and direction—leading to substance abuse.

  "It didn't. And I was destroyed. It feels pathetic to even admit that. But my ego was crushed... the first time in my life that I didn't have structure." —Tom Pelphrey (18:31)

• Substance Abuse as Self-Soothing:

  “I drank my face off.” —Tom Pelphrey (19:35)

• Gradual Realization & Path to Recovery: Tom marks October 1 as his (almost) 12 years sober, describing his recovery as a complete paradigm shift.

  “It was a complete restructuring of what I thought I was and how I saw things.” —Tom Pelphrey (23:35)

Identity Beyond Acting—The Paradigm Shift

• Letting Go of Actor-Equals-Worth Paradigm:

  “My whole identity was actor. And therefore, if I was succeeding in doing well at that, then I had value as a human being. But if I wasn't, I had no value.” —Tom Pelphrey (25:19)

• Relief from Shame and Guilt: Tom describes the absence of shame and guilt after getting sober as a new baseline for existence.

  “I don't feel this steady hum of shame and guilt.” —Tom Pelphrey (27:04)

• Prioritizing Well-being and its Irony:

  “I was like, I want to take care of this feeling and this human being, and work will be secondary. Maybe not coincidentally, I started working a lot.” —Tom Pelphrey (29:02)

• Fear That Sobriety or Understanding Will Kill Creativity: Both Duchovny and Pelphrey confess to worrying that addressing emotional pain might take away their edge as actors.

  "I was convinced that what's wrong with me was getting me work... it's the goose that lays the golden egg." —David Duchovny (29:16)

Therapy, Disassociation, and Real Emotion

• Dissociation as an Actor and as Survival:

  “Sometimes things would happen and I felt like I was observing... that's part of the reason I even started therapy, because here I am, sober and in a way, feeling better than I’ve ever felt.” —Tom Pelphrey (32:13)

• Duchovny’s Parallel: Acting as safe emotional expression and, ironically, a license to continue emotional dissociation.

  "I was looking for a life where I could continue to be disassociated. The more I could succeed, the more I could pull that charade off." —David Duchovny (34:03)

• Reconciling with Real Emotion:

  “So dissociating. Okay. But then you stop dissociating, and now it's like, whoa, I have a lot of feelings. They're really intense, and it's overwhelming.” —Tom Pelphrey (35:04)

• Gradual Self-Discovery and Acceptance:

  “I was kind of a surprise to myself.” —Tom Pelphrey (36:44)

Recovery, 12 Steps, Jungian Therapy, & Spirituality

• Spontaneous Recovery & the Steps: Tom's solo recovery journey somehow mirrored the 12 steps, even before formal involvement.

  "What blew my mind was I did the steps spontaneously." —Tom Pelphrey (40:08)

• Jungian Analysis:

  “Maybe that compulsion, maybe that impulse you have towards [something], is towards something greater... If we didn't have that part of you, we would all be worse off for it.” —Tom Pelphrey (38:56)

• Connection to Spirituality: Quoting Jung and the root of AA:

  "The only cure for spirits is spirit." —Tom Pelphrey (38:07, paraphrased from Jung)

• AA Meetings as Comic and Affirming:

  “I found I was so entertained when I got into the meetings too. Deeply entertained... If you put your problems in the middle and everybody puts theirs in, you'll gladly take yours back.” —David Duchovny (41:20)

Meditation, Mindfulness, and the Inner Critic

• Meditation as a Tool for Awareness:

  “Can I get centered enough to take myself enough out of the way to let God in the universe?” —Tom Pelphrey (46:22)

• Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now:

  “That’s literally the book that got me sober. That book changed my life.” —Tom Pelphrey (46:06)

• Duchovny on the “Monkey Mind”:

  “What meditation is... it's one insult after another.” —David Duchovny (44:19)

• Making Peace with Inner Criticism:

  “We have to make peace with those negative voices because they provided a purpose at some point, they protected me.” —David Duchovny (49:38)

Family, Gratitude, and Not Changing a Day

• Meeting Partner and Becoming a Dad:

  “Fell in love and jumped off the cliff together... Matilda's gonna know she's a love child, she was absolutely born in total [love].” —Tom Pelphrey (53:00)

• Ultimate Reflection and Gratitude for the Path:

  “I wouldn’t change a day, truly. Thank God I failed when I did. Thank God I struggled when I did. Because if one day had been different, I might not have been single and met Kaylee. And if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have my daughter. And truly, I wouldn’t trade them for the universe. So you look back and have to say thank you to all of it.” —Tom Pelphrey (54:09)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the necessity of male mentorship (06:09):

  “Boys need men... These are the kind of man to man things a boy needs. Especially... a boy who maybe didn’t have as much of his father as he wanted.” —David Duchovny

• On Recovery and Unexpected Healing (27:04):

  “I don’t feel this steady hum of shame and guilt.” —Tom Pelphrey

• On Acting as Dissociation (34:03):

  "I was looking for a life where I could continue to be disassociated. The more I could succeed, the more I could, like, pull that charade off." —David Duchovny

• On Spontaneous Recovery (40:08):

  "I did the steps spontaneously... It was a natural, like, this is what I want to do next." —Tom Pelphrey

• On What If Failure Led To Everything Good? (54:09):

  "I wouldn’t change a day, truly. Thank God I failed when I did... if one day had been different, I might not have been single and met Kaylee. And if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have my daughter." —Tom Pelphrey

• David’s closing gratitude (55:38):

  “Tom also gave me a gift... a book of Rumi poems... The acts of generosity, acts of gratitude, acts of vulnerable openness, they slay me.”

Timeline of Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------| | 02:39 | Tom describes his move to the Catskills | | 04:08 | High school mentor’s impact | | 09:21 | Soap opera grind—55 pages a day | | 18:31 | Emotional crash after leaving “Guiding Light” | | 23:35 | Beginning of sobriety & paradigm shift | | 25:19 | Identity crisis: worth based on acting | | 27:04 | Relief from shame and guilt post-sobriety | | 29:02 | Working more after prioritizing well-being | | 32:13 | Therapy for dissociation | | 34:03 | Duchovny’s admission about acting & dissociation | | 40:08 | Tom’s “spontaneous” completion of the 12 steps | | 46:06 | “The Power of Now” and meditation’s influence | | 53:00 | Meeting Kaylee and becoming a father | | 54:09 | “I wouldn’t change a day”—on gratitude and fate |

Tone and Atmosphere

Throughout, the tone is warm, confessional, and laced with humor and self-awareness. Both Duchovny and Pelphrey readily poke fun at themselves while digging deep into topics of emotional pain and personal reinvention. There’s a genuine mutual respect and therapy-room openness, making even the heaviest subjects accessible and, at times, surprisingly light.

Summary Takeaway

Tom Pelphrey’s conversation on “Fail Better” is a moving meditation on how what feel like life’s biggest failures—career stalls, addiction, existential confusion—can be reframed as the fertile ground for profound rebirth, gratitude, personal and creative flourishing. Both Pelphrey and Duchovny reveal that, often, to “fail better” is to find new values, stronger relationships, and a renewed sense of self—ultimately, to look back and not wish to change a single painful day.