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Family Tree Magazine Podcast
Handling Sensitive Subject Matter in Family Interviews – An Interview with Rhonda Lauritzen
00:28:21
In this episode of the Family Tree Magazine podcast, Lisa talks with Rhonda Lauritzen about to approach sensitive topics when interviewing relatives.
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- [00:12]
A
Welcome to the Family Tree Magazine podcast. This is the show from America's number one genealogy magazine. I'm Lisa Louise Cook. One of the first things that we should be doing when we start researching our family history is interviewing some of the oldest members of our family. And as you interview someone, you may find that there will be some topics that are a little delicate, they're hard to talk about, and that can cause unique challenges in the interview process. Rhonda Lorenson is a professional biographer and founder of Evalog Life, and she believes that telling your story can change its ending. Rhonda is the author of multiple books, a regular speaker at RootsTech, and a passionate coach who specializes in oral history and historical storytelling. So in this episode of the podcast, I've invited her here to share some of the insights from her article that appears in the May, June 2025 issue of Family Tree magazine. It's called Speaking Softly. And in it, she draws on tips from journalists and storytellers to help you approach sensitive topics with empathy and skill. Welcome back to the podcast, Rhonda.
- [01:31]
B
Thank you. It's always so great to be here.
- [01:35]
A
We are happy to have you here because interviewing is such an integral part of what we're doing, and hopefully everyone who is researching their family is making it a priority in particular to speak to older relatives. But throughout the course of our genealogy research, we may find that there's a variety of different interviews that we need to conduct, and inevitably we come across some of those hard to talk about subjects. It's interesting, I noticed in your article, one of the quotes you have is that the most important skill for any interviewer is emotional intelligence. So tell us what you mean by that.
- [02:16]
B
Yes. Emotional intelligence relates to your ability to listen with empathy, with absolute attention on the other person and without judgment. So just your ability to be with someone, to listen without interrupting, without making it be about you, your ability to draw out what's important to them, to love them. And also, it's helpful to have an emotional vocabulary. This was something that I picked up from the wonderful Brene Brown. She has a book called Atlas of the Heart, and in it, she identifies all of the different human emotions and explains what they are. And she explains that if you can correctly identify emotions, you will be much more able to process those emotions. And so one of the things you can do if you are an interviewer or working with others is actually expand your emotional vocabulary, because it will make you a better interviewer, a better listener, and a more empathetic person.
- [03:28]
A
Interesting. And therefore may help Bring to light more, I guess, interesting or deep conversations.
- [03:37]
B
That's right. Because when people feel seen and accepted and listened to and loved, they feel safe. And then they are able to open up and share, even sometimes unburden, some of the most difficult experiences they've had in their life. And not only will that be helpful for your genealogical research, but it's an incredible blessing for them and it's a blessing for you to have that sort of connection with another person. It's really a powerful process.
- [04:11]
A
Well, I imagine that preparing for the process is a vital part of being successful in it and helping the person you're interviewing feel like it was successful for them as well. Talk a little bit about how you prepare questions, particularly when you know the topic is going to be a bit delicate.
- [04:31]
B
Yes, you know, but I always give questions to my subjects in advance. I have a booklet of questions and there are lots of lists of questions around so you can pull a few that you think that this, the interview might work around. Sometimes I give people a long list of questions and let them choose what they want to talk about. But very often if you are working on a project, you'll have specific things that you want to know from them. And no one likes to feel blindsided. We all like the chance to prepare in advance and to be thinking. And so it's a good idea to send them the questions in advance so that they can be thinking, ask for any clarifying, you know, if they want to ask you any questions back before you begin the interview. So yeah, preparing questions in advance and then I also like to have an advanced conversation with them. And in the advanced conversation, try to reassure them that it will be an enjoyable process. One of the fears they have is that they don't like the way their voice sounds. And you can reassure, assure them nobody likes the sound of their own voice. And you know, it will be wonderful. Their own voice and the richness that it brings is a wonderful gift to have. But even if they don't want to have their voice, you can just use a transcript. So it's a good chance to ask them if there's anything they're concerned about specifically in that advanced conversation. Ask them if there are any off limits topics, anything they don't want to discuss and reassure them that you will respect their boundaries. Although sometimes it's okay to gently nudge them or ask them to give more detail, but that you'll respect if they, if they don't want to.
- [06:15]
A
Sure. I imagine creating interview questions is a lot like doing genealogy questions. In fact, you touched on this in the article about avoiding questions that are too broad. And I know in genealogy, when our research question is far too broad, it's really difficult to be successful. So do you focus in on more specific, narrow questions within the different topics?
- [06:42]
B
Yes, absolutely. I'll give one maybe time when you don't want to ask very specific questions. And that's right at the beginning of the interview. First, you'll want to get the small talk out of the way. So do that before the recorder is even on. Get them warmed up and settled in. But then once the recorder is on, you might ask some broad questions like, tell me about your hometown. That's a great one, because it's generally enjoyable. Most people like to talk about their hometown. Even if their home life was maybe less than happy, their hometown usually is. And so that's a good way to get them warmed up and eased into the interview. And then as you proceed, you can ask more specific questions, whether it's a follow up question that comes about because of something they said or you can drill down. But as you mentioned, asking general questions is a recipe for a blank stare. And I'll give you an example. I'd recently interviewed, well, not recently, for five years, I interviewed a woman named Heidi Pozznine about growing up in Berlin as a child during World War II. And you can imagine all that she saw and experienced being right in the center. Many deaths and difficult experiences and lots of, I mean, rich memories that are so helpful from a historical perspective as well. So we did her interviews, we wrote her story into a full book and then it was published and she was doing interviews with the media. And so I'm going to give an example of what not to do. Some of the interviewers, it was clear that they hadn't done their homework, they hadn't read the book. And they would ask her a question like, so tell me about the war. And she would just look at them like, how do I even begin to give you a concise answer about the war? So the best interviewers would ask something specific, like, tell me what it was like when you were having bombings every night. Where did you go during an air raid? Or tell me about rationing. What were the kinds of foods that you ate or things that were unavailable? Those were specific questions that would draw out rich memories. And we would have wonderful conversations around those questions.
- [09:06]
A
So the interviewer has to do some homework. You know, we have to really be prepared, because I like her answer, which is, you know, how can I even answer that? And we don't want to ask questions that can't be answered.
- [09:19]
B
That's right. Doing your homework will make all the difference. So that. But you know, even if you haven't done a lot of homework and you don't know much about the person, you can start with some general questions that are tried and true. Like tell me about your hometown, tell me how you met your partner. Tell me how you got started with your business or your life's work or something meaningful like a hobby. Those are good general questions. Then when you listen, you can jot down, follow up questions and drill down. So even if you don't know a lot and you have an opportunity, you can still get a good interview.
- [09:59]
A
I love it. Now, interestingly, after you talk about questions in the article, you go to set a timer, but go with the flow. Tell us, how does this, how does this work and how will it help us?
- [10:14]
B
That is one that we learned from experience. And in my business at Evalog Life, we've done thousands of interviews and this is just one of those field tips that I'm going to pass along. So the timer tip has a few practical reasons, and one is just that the file size of audio files can be huge. And so if you set a timer, let's say it's an hour interview and you stop at the half hour mark, you can turn off your recording and you can start a new one, and that just breaks up the file size so that you don't have to edit file audio files later. So there's a practical reason. Another interesting reason is that it gives people a chance to get up and take a break, get it, get a drink of water, stretch a little bit. And I find that when they come back, the good stuff comes in the second part. It's just there's something about stretching. They're maybe nervous in the first part and they, they get up and they come back so much more relaxed. It's kind of amazing to see what shows up in the second half.
- [11:21]
A
Oh, that's very interesting. Would you strategize some of your questions keeping that in mind?
- [11:26]
B
Absolutely. So the first half is for icebreakers and warm up. And then after they feel comfortable, that would be a time to maybe drill into some of the more difficult topics that you want to address. After they feel a level of rapport and trust, then maybe you can go into some of those things that they might have more difficulty answering.
- [11:49]
A
Stay right there. We've got more coming up right after this. One of Family Tree Magazine's Best of 2024 is Genealogy software called Goldie Mae. It can help you speed up your research, untangle your family tree, and stay organized. It even has an automatic research log. It does not replace your genealogy programs, but it might replace the sticky notes on your monitor and papers on your desk, all those places you keep your notes and figure out your research. There's lots to do for free, or you could get a discounted subscription@GoldieMay.com FamilyTreeMagazine that's GoldieMay.com FamilyTreeMagazine and now back to our conversation. Now in the article you have a breakout box says the do's and don'ts of interviewing. So what should we for sure be doing and what things should we not be doing?
- [12:50]
B
The first thing of a do. This is just a general tip because you as an interviewer might be nervous if you haven't done a lot of interviews before. Remember that the most important thing you can do is listen. If you just are present and validating and bring love to the interview. I use that word a lot in interviewing, and I don't think it's too strong a word. When you genuinely feel a love toward this person, they will feel seen and validated and heard, and it will make, it'll make everything go well. You can mess up the way that you know the words that come out of your mouth. You can be nervous about the technology, whatever. You can mess up a lot of things and love will make up for all of that. So just bring that, that wholehearted, intense listening. And generally everything else is fine. So if you remember nothing else, just bring that mindset. So of course, listen intently. It's a good idea to take a few notes as you go, whether it's to come back to questions or to refresh your memory later. Another, another thing not to do. Let's talk about some things not to do. One would be don't make it be about you. If they say something where you have a common experience, let's say they bring up a place that where they've lived or a vacation they went on. Don't, don't say, oh, I went there too, or I have this common thing, or I know that person too. Just make a note of it. And later, after the recording is off, you can say, hey, I have this thing in common. And then you can talk about it. But you never want to make the interview be about you. So Larry King mentions that same thing. I never made the interview about me. I never learned anything when I was the one talking. I'm paraphrasing Isn't that a great quote?
- [14:50]
A
Yeah, absolutely. And it's interesting because if you have your goal in mind, that can help keep you on the straight and narrow, because your goal isn't to learn more about you, and your goal is not to become their best friend, which is what we do when we share those back and forth. Oh, yeah, yeah, me too.
- [15:09]
B
Mad.
- [15:10]
A
But when we're really interviewing and caring about their story, then that helps kind of keep zip a lip, huh?
- [15:19]
B
Absolutely. Yeah, you're right. This is not a chatty back and forth. This is an opportunity for them to share. You know, it's amazing how many people have never really been asked questions about them and their life and their experience. And it can be powerful. You know, you might think that people won't open up, and we've been talking about what happens if they don't or how to warm them up. But very often people will surprise you and they will be willing to share very powerful, even traumatic experiences just because you asked and because you were listening so intently and with all that empathy.
- [16:03]
A
Yes. And I noticed that one of your dos is embrace awkward silences or big emotions. And I, I know from years of interviewing those moments can be uncomfortable because our tendency is to want to fill them up and make it comfortable. But that's the moment where they really are sharing. And the silence, I think, shows respect and gives the emotion some time to kind of be there. And it will guide you to the next question. How do you work with the silences?
- [16:39]
B
Mm. The first thing is, just like you said, Lisa, be prepared for silence and embrace it. Don't. That's a big don't. Don't fill the silence. You can pause if someone has paused. Pause with them. I mean, it can be a good long seconds can feel like a long time in an interview. A minute can feel like a long time. But they may be gathering their emotions, they may be gathering their thoughts. And so just have a pleasant look on your face. And if there is emotion happening, it's always a good idea to bring tissues. If you're in an in person interview, always bring tissues because very often you will need them. Both of you. Sometimes I'm a very empathetic person. And so if my subject is getting emotional, very often they, My eyes will well up as well. And I don't, I don't apologize for that. That's just showing them that I'm really wholly being with them and showing them that it's okay to weep and to need time to gain their composure. So give them that space. And wait until they're ready to speak. And what they say if you don't fill the silence, may be incredibly profound and important. And then after you've got a sense that it's time to get back, you can ask another question. But don't rush it.
- [18:12]
A
There might be times, I imagine, and maybe you've experienced this yourself, where someone either declines the interview or declines the question, and how do we navigate that? And maybe hopefully leave the door open.
- [18:30]
B
Yes. So first of all, if they decline the interview, so don't get your feelings hurt, there may be reasons why they. Why it's traumatic for them, especially if they've experienced something such as war, abuse, mental health issues, just all kinds of uncertainty in their past may make it very difficult for them to talk about. And so just realize that they may have reasons that you don't understand. And so the first thing to do is, after you've collected yourself and not be hurt, follow up with them and see if they would be willing to have a conversation about their feelings around it. If you gently don't just ask why in an accusatory way, but say something like, would you tell me more about that? Tell me more about your reasons for not wanting to be interviewed? And then maybe you can respond, respond in a reassuring way that you will respect any boundaries they have or that it will be a pleasant. Pleasant might be. Usually it is pleasant. Usually in interviews they love the process. But if they're talking about trauma, it may be cathartic and it may be healing, even if it's not entirely pleasant. So follow up and ask why, and then reassure and then sometimes give it time. Some people may not be ready earlier in their lives, and they may become ready with maybe a deeper relationship with you or just after they've thought about it for a while.
- [20:12]
A
I imagine there's also the situation, the decline might come because they're concerned that somebody else was involved in the situation. So it's not that they personally are super emotional about it, but they're concerned about navigating the fact that this included several other family members, even if they are already deceased. Do you have particular guidance that you give people to help them almost decide what they can and can't share?
- [20:43]
B
Lisa, that's such a good question, a really thoughtful, sensitive question. And yes, if you can have that conversation with them and they're willing to tell you that it is because someone else is involved, then then the interview may become a partnership where you make certain commitments to them whereby they can share what they know. But then together you will decide what and how anything else is shared for anyone else. So there may be times when they say something because it's unburdening for them, but maybe they don't want it in the historical record. You may be in a difficult ethical quandary then of do other people have a right or need to know versus promises maybe that they have made to not reveal a secret or a promise even that you make to them about not revealing information about their life that they're uncomfortable with. And I think it's really important to have integrity and honor people's wishes and navigate it it mindfully because one answer isn't right for everyone and there are times when not everything is meant for public consumption.
- [22:08]
A
Yes, I know one of the phrases my husband uses quite often is help me understand. And I've used that before because sometimes the resistance that you get isn't for the reason that you thought it was. So by saying help me understand one, you are at least conveying because I care. I want to understand. You know, I don't want to change you, I want to understand. But even then I. So I've been surprised a couple times at the reason that the person gave me why they had a concern.
- [22:41]
B
So yeah, don't assume, you know, right, I'm going to remember that. Help me understand. Love that phrase. And I'll give you a couple of my favorites in addition. One is tell me more. That question can lead to so much. And then the follow up questions of and then what? You know, what happened next. And another one, why is a good question as long as you ask it with an open stance. Don't ask it in an accusatory way. Ask it in an open way so that they can explain. And another one that I love. One thing is just verbal and not verbal, but just head nods and sometimes just letting them know that you're listening. And then finally I'm listening.
- [23:31]
A
Yes, I like that.
- [23:35]
B
Isn't that a great one? I practice that one with my daughter a lot. I'm listening.
- [23:41]
A
Well and that made me think too. I remember one time interviewing my great aunt and she said something, but I could tell she was kind of staying in her head space. And so my follow up was how did that make you feel? And she hadn't considered including that. But it took the extra question to then kind of get to the real impact of the situation she was describing in the head place and getting it more to the heart place, which I think is always something that we as the person who either hears that interview later or reads it later that we can really, we may not be able to identify with what actually happened to them, but the feelings, we've all had feelings.
- [24:27]
B
Oh, and Lisa, that's, you know, what makes you a professional interviewer yourself is that intuition to follow up. And also it's the, it's the how did that make you feel that we really want to know, isn't it? I mean, yes, we may be looking for facts that help our research, but in the end, isn't it the how, how did it make you feel that we wish we could get from our ancestors? So when we have the opportunity to interview someone that's maybe an elder in our family, what an opportunity to ask them the most important thing, how they felt about it.
- [25:04]
A
Yeah, boy, that's, that's a good reminder, too. I think about reading a memoir that I recently acquired for one of my husband's ancestors. And thankfully, she shared some of that. She was not only telling the situation, but then she talked about how she felt about it. And I thought, as somebody who could be interviewed one day in my own family, you want to be a good interviewee. You want to be somebody who doesn't just explain the facts, but really talks about the impact. And that's what we can all kind of of identify with. So many opportunities here that you're opening up for us in terms of speaking to people in our family and really gathering more of this story. Any other suggestions or things I didn't ask you about that you want to share with our audience?
- [25:56]
B
Yes. One is just if you have an opportunity as well, when people are at an end of life time, that can be another sensitive time and a really important opportunity to allow people, people to share something that maybe, maybe it's the last opportunity they will have to unburden something or share something so that they won't be forgotten. So just if you have that opportunity, also show up in a space that is really focused on them and what their needs are and what they may want to leave behind.
- [26:32]
A
Good advice. Well, you will find lots of great advice in Rhonda's article. It's called Speaking Softly Again. It's in the May, June 2025 issue of Family Tree magazine and Rhonda, if people want to learn more about what you are up to and how to interact with you, where can they find you?
- [26:49]
B
I would love to have them come check out our website at Evalog Life. There are some free oral history interviewing toolkits and questions and a lot of free resources there to help you tell your story.
- [27:03]
A
Fantastic. Thank you so much for stopping by the podcast again. I really appreciate it.
- [27:08]
B
Thank you. This has been really wonderful.
- [27:12]
A
Thanks for joining me for this episode of the Family Tree Magazine podcast. This is the show from America's number one genealogy magazine. I'll have links to everything that we've talked about today on the show over at the Show Notes page and you can find that@familytreemagazine.com podcast and there you'll also find a huge back catalog of past episodes full of topics that are going to help help you in your genealogy research. And when you stop by the website, be sure to sign up for our free newsletter. That really is the perfect way to stay in touch with Family Tree Magazine and get all the latest and greatest news, plus the announcements of each and every new podcast episode. I'm Lisa Louise Cook and I hope that you'll come by and visit me at my website, genealogygems.com and there you will find the Genealogy Gems podcast and a link over to our Genealogy Gems YouTube channel. So until next time, have fun climbing your Family Tree.