Goals 101: Why Amelia Failed No Buy Low Buy

Summary

Feminist Survival Project: Episode Summary Title: Goals 101: Why Amelia Failed No Buy Low Buy
Hosts: Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski
Release Date: March 12, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of the Feminist Survival Project, hosts Emily and Amelia Nagoski delve into the intricacies of goal setting by exploring Amelia's recent attempt to adhere to a "No Buy Low Buy" plan—a strategy aimed at minimizing unnecessary purchases. Amelia candidly shares her experiences, highlighting both the setbacks and the lessons learned, while Emily provides expert insights to guide listeners through effective goal setting.

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Amelia’s "No Buy Low Buy" Experience

Amelia begins by recounting her ambitious goal: to refrain from purchasing any new clothes, a commitment she termed "No Buy Low Buy." However, despite her best intentions, she admitted to failing this goal by exceeding her budget by $1,200.

Notable Quotes:

• Amelia (00:58): "I want to talk about goals and why I failed my No Buy Low Buy so spectacularly."
• Emily (02:35): "Like, by how many hundreds of dollars?"
• Amelia (03:00): "I spent a thousand dollars on clothes last year, and I then spent $1,200 on clothes."

Amelia explains that her initial goal was aimed at curbing her spending on clothing to declutter her closet. However, the lack of specificity and feasibility in her plan led to her overshooting her budget significantly.

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Understanding Effective Goal Setting

The conversation pivots to dissecting why Amelia's original goal was not successful. Emily introduces the essential qualities of effective goals, emphasizing that a goal should be:

1. Soon
2. Certain
3. Specific
4. Concrete
5. Positive
6. Personal

Amelia reflects on her failure, realizing that her goal lacked immediacy and certainty, making it difficult to maintain over an extended period.

Notable Quotes:

• Amelia (07:54): "So my goal was zero. I don't need any more clothes."
• Emily (07:30): "Your goal was to wear the clothes you had, and it turned out the clothes you had were at least half of them."

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Amelia’s Revised Goal: A More Structured Approach

Learning from her initial setback, Amelia sets a new, more achievable goal: to spend zero time shopping for clothes for the next six weeks leading up to their planned Disney trip in April. This revised goal aligns better with the SMART criteria (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) and addresses the shortcomings of her previous attempt.

Notable Quotes:

• Amelia (13:00): "I'm going to spend zero time shopping for clothes, shoes, bags, accessories, jewelry, anything to wear between now and when we go to Disney, which is the end of April."
• Emily (16:16): "This is Amelia applying the knowledge of effective goal setting based on the research."

Amelia outlines her strategies to resist the urge to shop, such as engaging in alternative activities like playing word games and consuming existing media, thereby diverting her impulses productively.

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Practical Insights and Personal Anecdotes

The episode weaves in practical tips on maintaining discipline and avoiding pitfalls in goal setting. Amelia shares her experience with decluttering her wardrobe using the Indyx app, which helped her visualize her clothing inventory. However, she realized that having limited options made it challenging to adhere to her initial goal.

Notable Quotes:

• Amelia (04:43): "I have three of almost the same exact dress. And I'm like, that's the correct amount of that dress. It's the only dress I own, but I have three."
• Emily (05:26): "That is actually one of the rules of minimalism."

The conversation also touches upon the importance of emergency preparedness. Amelia humorously recounts burning a candle, leading to a cameo apology from actor Nicholas Bolton, highlighting the personal touches that make their podcast relatable and engaging.

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Conclusion: Lessons Learned and Moving Forward

In wrapping up, Amelia emphasizes the significance of setting goals that are not only ambitious but also attainable. By adhering to the established criteria for effective goal setting, she feels more confident in her ability to succeed this time around.

Notable Quotes:

• Amelia (39:35): "Between now and Disney, there's nothing I need."
• Emily (37:26): "How to goals."

The hosts conclude by encouraging listeners to evaluate their own goals, ensuring they meet the necessary criteria to foster success and personal growth.

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Key Takeaways

• Set SMART Goals: Ensure goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound.
• Positive Framing: Frame goals positively (e.g., "I will spend zero time shopping") rather than negatively (e.g., "I won't buy clothes").
• Immediate Milestones: Goals should have an imminent time frame to maintain focus and motivation.
• Personal Relevance: Goals must align with personal values and needs to ensure commitment.
• Prepare for Setbacks: Acknowledge potential obstacles and plan strategies to overcome them.

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Final Thoughts

This episode serves as a valuable resource for anyone struggling with goal setting, offering both personal insights and practical advice. Amelia's journey underscores the importance of thoughtful planning and adaptability in achieving one's objectives, making "Goals 101: Why Amelia Failed No Buy Low Buy" a must-listen for listeners seeking to enhance their personal and financial well-being.

Transcript

[Amelia]

Hi, everybody, this is Amelia. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to be trying something new on Fridays at 4. I'm going to be going live on our YouTube channel. That's YouTube.com feministsurvivalproject. I'll be going live Fridays at 4, Eastern Time, and from February 21st through the end of March, we'll be answering questions, singing songs, and generally just having a nice time. I hope you'll join me. I want to talk about goals and why I failed my Low by Noi so spectacular. Because there are some very clear.

[Emily]

Can't hear me coming. I can hear you. I just. I started and I can't finish. Stop until I get to the end. Okay.

[Amelia]

Come on, deliver to me.

[Emily]

Yeah. Okay.

[Amelia]

Okay.

[Emily]

This is the feel. Like enough of a punctuation cadence is enough for you.

[Amelia]

Fine. Okay, good.

[Emily]

It's just that I heard someone who does musical stuff who genuinely has terrible pitch, and I thought it would be impossible to get through recording an album with genuinely terrible pitch. Like, I think can't tell how bad their pitch is.

[Amelia]

Yeah, that's possible.

[Emily]

When. So it's a drag queen and, like, they don't have to sing a lot, but there's a lot of drag queens who have, like, degrees in musical theater.

[Amelia]

I know. Yeah. Trained Monet X Change. Went to the same community choir.

[Emily]

Yeah. Westminster Choir College. Yeah. Trixie Mattel got a degree in musical theater. And that explains why she's got like, you know, a number one, right.

[Amelia]

Albums. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Emily]

That's not true for everyone. I'm not going to say who it is because it doesn't matter.

[Amelia]

No, there's no.

[Emily]

None of this should make the cut. None of this should be included. None of this is what matters. I've just been self medicating with drag.

[Amelia]

Okay, okay, so let's.

[Emily]

My brain's not good. So you're taking the lead. You want to talk about goals because you had a goal experience.

[Amelia]

I had a goal experience where I failed my no buy low buy. Like, super failed.

[Emily]

Like, by how many hundreds of dollars?

[Amelia]

Like at least $1,200.

[Emily]

Oh, my God.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

You're like, I'm not gonna spend money specifically on. Now yours was the category of, like, clothes and accessories.

[Amelia]

Clothes specifically clothes was. My idea, was I'm just zero.

[Emily]

Your goal was zero.

[Amelia]

My goal was zero. I don't need any more clothes.

[Emily]

It's the beginning of March.

[Amelia]

Time shopping for clothes. I spent a thousand dollars on clothes last year, and I then spent $1,200 on clothes.

[Emily]

Now, and this gave you some. You had some sort of insight as a result?

[Amelia]

I had insight. Well, first of all, what happened was. What had happened was I decluttered my closet. Right.

[Emily]

Have you also been watching a lot of drag? What happened was.

[Amelia]

What happened was I already had unhad herses.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

I decluttered my closet. Danny K. White came along and I decluttered my closet. Like, for real.

[Emily]

For real.

[Amelia]

And I looked at all this stuff in my closet, and I was just like, throw out the trash. And now let's look for stuff that has a home someplace else. And now let's, like, have donation time. What are my duh donations? And my duh donations were vast and mighty. Clothes that didn't fit, clothes I never wear. I was like, oh. And then I. I have this app called Index or indyx I N D Y X, where I take a picture of every single thing in my closet, and I know exactly what I have. And my inventory in my closet showed me I don't have enough clothes enough for what it. Here's what happened. I wore a shirt and I got a stain, and I was like, I have to replace this shirt immediately because it's, like, the only shirt I wear. Okay, so enough to wear.

[Emily]

You need two shirts.

[Amelia]

I need at least two shirts. And, like, I. I started listening to dawn from Minimal mom and, like, she's really not for me, but she does go over some, like, basics of minimalism. Like, if it catches fire, would you replace it? If it's spontaneously combusted, would you.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

Immediately buy another one. And I was like, yes to everything in my closet. I absolutely have to have everything here. And then I had the insight that I can't be a minimalist. I can't own just one thing. Because when things spontaneously combust and I am like, oh, I immediately have to replace that. Because I don't just shop at the mall. I can't just go get another one of the same thing. Because I shop second hand. Trying to find a replacement for something.

[Emily]

That is actually one of the rules of minimalism. One of the standards is if it will take you less than $20 in less than 20 minutes.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Place it then.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Then don't worry about having a backup. But because it does take you. I mean, you might do it for less than $20, but it'll never take you less than 20 minutes.

[Amelia]

Oh, not even close. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Emily]

So, yes, according to minimalism, sort of like the way people talk about, how can I tell whether or not I really need to have this the answer for you is I really do need to have a backup because, yeah, I.

[Amelia]

Need to have at least two of everything that I need. And when I looked at my wardrobe in index, you can get like seven articles of clothing in a row and like, you know, know as many as you have. Long. I had cataloged 110 pieces, including my formal wear and my work wear, which I have decided is reasonable for me to keep. Just like, because if I. Because sometimes stuff comes up last minute and you need to be able to like, have clothes on Friday, right? Hey, there's a gig on Friday. Can you go? So I, you know, I keep formal wear and workwear.

[Emily]

Performance attire.

[Amelia]

Yeah, performance attire. Like, separately and not counting performance attire, I had less than 50 articles of clothing, which sounds like plenty, but it is not. Is not. Is not. So I have three of almost the same exact dress. And I'm like, that's the correct amount of that dress. It's the only dress I own, but I have three. Three of them. The gray shirt I had, I had one like it. I used to have more, but I wore them all the time and they got stained and wore out and pilled and looked bad and I had to replace them. So anyway, I failed my low by no buy because I failed to plan correctly for a goal. It was a terrible goal for me. It was an inappropriate goal.

[Emily]

Your goal was to wear the clothes you had, and it turned out the clothes you had were at least half of them. Obvious donations when you looked at them through the lens.

[Amelia]

At least half. I got rid of over 50 things.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

And I've replaced them with about 25 things. So my wardrobe is smaller now, but I had to replace like 25 things.

[Emily]

But this time you bought stuff you actually like.

[Amelia]

This time I bought stuff that fits, stuff that's not stained, stuff that doesn't need repair. Like, yeah, I just had a lot of stuff in my wardrobe that was not wearable. So that's why I failed. It's not that. Okay, here's why I failed. A good goal, a goal that's going to give you a feeling of success, has to be soon, certain, specific, concrete, positive and personal. And the goal that I made was I'm just not gonna buy clothes this year. Is that soon? Is this year soon? It is not. Is it certain? I kind of thought it was, but when I actually looked at my wardrobe, turns out no. So I. I failed the plan in that way.

[Emily]

It wasn't specific.

[Amelia]

Was it specific? It was. It was kind of specific. Like I've Done.

[Emily]

It was don't buy clothes this year. That's.

[Amelia]

Yeah, it was specific. Don't buy clothes.

[Emily]

That is one behavior. Yeah.

[Amelia]

But it was not soon or certain.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

Was it concrete? Yeah. Don't buy clothes. Was it positive? No, don't buy clothes is not positive. Now when positive, people say, is it a happy thought? Positive means it's a thing that you actively, actively do, not a thing that you avoid. Right? Yeah. Don't buy clothes is not a positive goal. It's a negative goal. Right.

[Emily]

Like, don't smoke any cigarettes is a negative goal. Smoke zero cigarettes is a positive goal.

[Amelia]

Right. There you go.

[Emily]

How many cigarettes am I going to smoke today? Zero. Positive goal.

[Amelia]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Emily]

As opposed to I'm going to not smoke today. No smoking. And like, all you can think about is like, the smoking.

[Amelia]

Right. Also, another thing happened, which is that I got Covid because really my goal was I'm going to spend zero time shopping. I really wanted to, like, spend my time differently this year because I had to invest so much time in it last year. And when my goal was don't spend time shopping. And then I got Covid and I was literally in bed for 10 days. And I had just discovered that my wardrobe is 2/3 the size that it needs to be. I. I was in bed. So I shopped. And honestly, I think that was an okay use of my time, considering the fact that my plan was so wildly inappropriate and bad. Soon, certain specific. Yes. Soon, no. Certain. No specific. Yeah. Concrete, kinda positive. Absolutely. Not personal. Yeah, it was personal to me. I wanted to, like, I want this to be a thing that I do that, you know, it's for me. Nobody else cares whether or not I spend time shopping except, like the algorithm. So I failed my low buy no buy by a lot. And it's because I didn't set an appropriate goal that followed those criteria. So I want to set a new goal.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Amelia]

And I think you're doing better because you set a goal that was much more specific.

[Emily]

Oh, we did a whole episode that's like, here's my list of rules of, like, all the things I'm going to do. Yeah.

[Amelia]

Your hour of like, I'm going to spend money on these candles. And as. As an addendum, as an addendum to this episode, I think we should include that time that I dog sat while you and Rich were gone. And I burned a candle. I left it burning. And I walked away and you were like, you sent me a picture of the candle. Did you leave this burning? I was like, Oops. And I felt really bad. I was like, oh my God, I.

[Emily]

Burned your fancy candle.

[Amelia]

And so I, I got a cameo from the actor who reads, who reads your audiobook.

[Emily]

We call him Sexy Pants Quotes.

[Amelia]

We, we call him Sexy Pants. His name is Nicholas Bolton. He's a very good audience reader and.

[Emily]

He is the best male audiobook reader. His, his narration, his accents are so good.

[Amelia]

He is magnificent.

[Emily]

Just find audio of him saying the word chocolate.

[Amelia]

Anyway, I, I, I got a cameo. Like, hey, dear Nicholas Bolton, my sister. You read for my sister's audiobook. I burned up one of her candles. Can you apologize for me? I think we should include that because, like, okay, yeah. I think people now have the, the.

[Emily]

Context, the context of like, why the candles, about these, about these candles.

[Amelia]

He for sure seems kind of baffled about why I feel so bad about a candle.

[Emily]

Yeah, yeah. But it starts with, hi, Emily, remember me?

[Amelia]

Yeah, it sounds so, so good. Okay, anyway, anyway, I'm setting a new goal that's more soon, more certain, more specific, more concrete, more positive and more personal. Here it is. I'm going to spend zero time shopping between now and when we go to Disney, which is the end of April.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Amelia]

So it's like a month and a half, like six weeks. There surely is.

[Emily]

You were literally shopping yesterday.

[Amelia]

Yeah, that's why it's now.

[Emily]

Okay, okay.

[Amelia]

Between now and the time that we go to dishes in like six weeks. So that's soon. It's just the next six weeks. And surely there's nothing I need between now and Disney. And to be fair, the thing that I sent you, a picture that I was shopping for was a Disney related item of clothing.

[Emily]

Yes.

[Amelia]

So it was Disney related. And spending time planning Disney trip is something I do instead of shopping. Yeah. Right. So I'm going to spend zero time shopping for clothes, shoes, bags, accessories, jewelry, anything to wear between now and then. That's soon. It's specific because it's the time I'm going to spend doing the thing.

[Emily]

Yes.

[Amelia]

I'm going to spend 0 of it. I'm going to do other things with my time. So that's pretty certain. That's the thing I can do. It's, it's a little bit, it's like a habit now. So it's gonna be like breaking a habit, like any other habit. So I don't think it'll be as hard as smoking zero cigarettes.

[Emily]

You're gonna notice the impulse and have to have an alternative behavior to engage in.

[Amelia]

Yes. I am now playing all of the New York Times Minigames.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Amelia]

Yeah. I play wordle. I play connections. I play the mini crossword. Like, I do them all. And that's the thing I do. I play this Doctor who game. Like, also, I'm gonna play the games I own. I'm gonna watch the media I own. I'm gonna not spend time shopping. That's specific. That's soon. That's certain. That's specific.

[Emily]

It's concrete.

[Amelia]

It's concrete. It's. It's not super concrete. It's not the most concrete. Because it's not like a thing I can. I guess it's a thing I can track or check off every day.

[Emily]

Absolutely.

[Amelia]

Okay. Yeah. So that's concrete. It's positive. It's. I'm going to spend zero time. How much time are you going to spend shopping today?

[Emily]

Zero.

[Amelia]

So, like, when the impulse comes with, like, let me just go check thredup. If they have anything new, then I'm gonna not. I'm gonna be like, oh, no, I'm not doing that.

[Emily]

I'm gonna play one of these games instead. I'm gonna consume the media I own.

[Amelia]

Exactly. Positive. That's the way that I've reframed it to make it positive and personal. Of course, it was already personal. Just me and my wardrobe and how do I spend my time? And that's as personal as you can get, probably. So that's why I failed my no by Lullaby. And that's why setting. That's how you set a goal that you're actually going to succeed at. And I thought that was worth talking about. And this is.

[Emily]

So for people who haven't read Burnout, this is chapter two of Burnout. So the first chapter of Burnout is what to do with the stress activated in your body by whatever the problems in your life are. Chapter two is how to deal with the problems themselves. Right. Those are two separate processes that require different skills and different knowledge. And this is Amelia applying the knowledge of effective goal setting based on the.

[Amelia]

Research, which I. I just didn't do initially because I don't know. Because I've done lull by no buy before and succeeded. Just great.

[Emily]

Yeah. And the reason people fall short with their goals is often because the quality of their goal was not particularly good.

[Amelia]

Right. Their goal didn't conform to that list. Soon certain.

[Emily]

Especially the. The positivity of the goal, having it be. I'm going to do something as opposed to I'm not going to do something.

[Amelia]

Yeah. I'm going to avoid something. Yeah, exactly. Like, I'm not going to Eat sugar. Like, that's. What are you gonna eat, though?

[Emily]

Yeah. What are you gonna eat when you're not eating sugar? Exactly.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Yeah. Making. When people are making nutritional choices, we're gonna have to do a food episode eventually.

[Amelia]

We're gonna have to do food episode.

[Emily]

One of the positive ways to create change is to think about all the things you are gonna eat.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

So that you don't feel deprived and, like, you end up obsessing over the stuff you're depriving yourself of.

[Amelia]

When all you think about is not eating that thing.

[Emily]

Not eating that thing. Yeah. Especially if that thing is in the house, then it sits at the bottom of the freezer.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Haunting you.

[Amelia]

At first I thought you said hunting you, and I was like, oh, she must have said haunting you. But the idea that you're an ice cream sandwich, like a lone ice cream sandwich.

[Emily]

Hunting is like, it's going to come and get you in the night.

[Amelia]

Do, do, do, do, do. Okay.

[Emily]

One of your dogs would definitely protect you from that ice cream sandwich.

[Amelia]

Oh, for sure. For sure. So that's the main thing that I had to say. Do you want to examine your low buy. No. By goals and see how they conform to the soon certain specific. Are you up for that? Do you have enough brain for that?

[Emily]

Yeah. So I opened my list and I have. So my. One of the main things about goals that isn't. I don't know, it's sort of implied in the standards, but, like, having a reason why you're doing this thing, having a motivation. My whys or even. I mean, like, a lot of people have gotten on board with the idea of not contributing to Trump's economy. Certainly not shopping at stores that took the first available opportunity to abandon all their dei.

[Amelia]

Right.

[Emily]

Projects.

[Amelia]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Emily]

And. And not any Amazon things, if people can avoid it. So a lot of people are. And it actually makes it easier that I feel like there's sort of a groundswell.

[Amelia]

Yeah. I think that's what personal means, that last part of a good goal.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

It's important to you.

[Emily]

It matters. Yeah.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

I haven't gotten any more specific about the things that I was like. I haven't examined this fully. Like vacation spending. I haven't. That's okay.

[Amelia]

Like, if you haven't got a goal for those things, you don't have to have a goal for those things. Like rich.

[Emily]

And I really don't have to, like, set a budget for charitable giving because.

[Amelia]

Yeah. Like, you don't need. What I'm saying is the goal. You did Set like, those things aren't part of your goal.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

As far as you're concerned. Infinite charitable giving, infinite Disney trips, infinite whatever. But, like, the goal that you did set, does that make sense? Yeah. No.

[Emily]

My, my. It's all really good. I made really good choices. It's very.

[Amelia]

Okay, in what way is.

[Emily]

It's extremely con. What way is it soon? It's just. I mean, it's just today. Every day. Each day.

[Amelia]

Okay. I feel like a no buy low by. I've never done a low by. No, by year, but I've done like a month. That turned into two months, that turned into three months, and by then I usually needed to buy something.

[Emily]

Well, because my, because of my why and my rules. My why is don't participate in Trump's economy.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

And my rules are very specific about the ways I can when I need to. Like, I have granted myself permission in a lot of domains so that I do not feel restricted.

[Amelia]

Okay. I think for a lot of people, though, you have a very. You have intense, hyper focus where you can keep going at something for way longer than a neurotypical person or than an allistic person.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

So I think a year for a lot of people is not soon, it's too long. And I think that for most people, a goal that's soon is a month, six weeks.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

Maybe more. But, like, I think it's unusual that soon for you is a year.

[Emily]

So when I give people, when I give people sex advice, when people are struggling, especially when there's like a difference in desire, for example, one of the key pieces of advice is take sex off the table.

[Amelia]

Right.

[Emily]

For a substantial period of time. And I avoid giving, like, how. How long an extended period of time when sex will not be available to either partner. Like, individually, you can go have orgasms if you want to, but this is to create a context where the lower desire partner can engage in, like kissing and cuddling and hugging, knowing for sure that it is not going to be misinterpreted as a bid for more. There's not going to be pressure or performance demand. Like, there's a people, like, there's a really good reason for it. People understand the good reason for it. And if they require me to say, but for how long? I say day, three months. And I can tell by their reaction that that feels like an enormous amount of time. So, yeah, let's say, I mean, and that like, three months for that goal is different from three months for some other goal. But I know that at least in some contexts, three Months feels like an enormous amount of time for people to commit to a new pattern of behavior.

[Amelia]

Yeah, yeah.

[Emily]

But I think it takes a substantial amount of time committed to a new behavior.

[Amelia]

Sure.

[Emily]

In order for that new behavior both to establish itself and to unearth all of the reasons why the former pattern you were stuck in and wanted to change. It takes that amount of time for it to sort of like work itself out of your system, sort of detox from it.

[Amelia]

Yeah, that's a great reason. But some people are just doing low buy, no buy to save money and they just want to see if they can. So for me, a year was not soon. Does that make sense?

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

Some people are not trying to like retrain their habits. They're just trying to like.

[Emily]

Another guideline is to have there be some external measure so it's not like arbitrary, like three months. It's like for one paycheck period, I'm going to try these rules, whether that's every other week or once a month.

[Amelia]

Exactly. Yeah. So for me, a year was too long. For you, a year is like no problem at all.

[Emily]

Well, given the structure, given that my rules were so non restrictive. So for example, I did spend a bunch of money buying stuff from an artist, an independent artist. I bought stuff directly from her. And then I was looking at crocs because I don't have a rule against browsing. I put some stuff in my cart. I googled whether or not crocs donated money to any republicans and as an organization, they didn't. And I was like, maybe, maybe I have permission for more crocs that I don't need.

[Amelia]

You do not need more crocs.

[Emily]

You have yellow and many crocs fuzzy. And they're yellow and fuzzy.

[Amelia]

The fuzzy crocs aren't good because they stink.

[Emily]

The fuzzy crocs are the only crocs I will wear.

[Amelia]

Really?

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

You just wear them with socks. And you can wash the socks. You can wash the crocs.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

But do they actually come clean and stop stinking? Not really.

[Emily]

I don't know why you're fuzzy. Crocs stink. Mine don't. Anyway, I put them in my cart, but I. And they were. It was buy two for $50. Buy two pair for $50.

[Amelia]

That's a good deal.

[Emily]

Yeah, it's a really good deal. But I waited too long. The sale went away and so that saved me $50 and two pairs of crocs that I do not need.

[Amelia]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I am down to one pair of crocs. Crocs why am I fuzzy? Oh, no, I have two. I have the Christmas ones you gave me. They're fuzzy, but they are open.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

So they don't stay stinky. They dry fast, and they get. They distinct.

[Emily]

Yeah. Almost all the Crocs I own are fuzzy and open.

[Amelia]

Yeah. That's the combination I had. I had clogs that were fuzzy and they. I mean, I. I did send them to Thredup. I did, but I washed them with Oxiclean de stink stuff and let them dry very thoroughly so they were de stinkified so that somebody who only wears their Crocs with socks will. Will have these again, and they will not stink. Anyway, Crocs.

[Emily]

I have a th. I have a toe thing. If people are like, why does Emily wear Crocs? I have. When I am, like, working, working.

[Amelia]

Are people like, why does Emily wear Crocs? Everybody knows why you wear Crocs. They're comfortable.

[Emily]

Well, they're literally the only shoes I can wear that do not exacerbate this weird toe thing I have. It's an aroma. It doesn't. It doesn't matter.

[Amelia]

It doesn't matter. You have enough Crocs, though. You didn't need two more pair. $50?

[Emily]

Yeah. I got plenty of Crocs.

[Amelia]

Okay. So soon a year is fine for you. It was too long for me. For me, six weeks is going to be.

[Emily]

And if people are like, how do I set duration? Go by paychecks? Go. Pay periods.

[Amelia]

Yeah, yeah.

[Emily]

Assuming you have a pay period or.

[Amelia]

For me, I'm setting the goal to be right now because I shopped yesterday and I'm ending when we go to Disney, because I'm going to spend money at Disney. Yeah.

[Emily]

So there's a. Like a landmark. There's an event.

[Amelia]

Yes.

[Emily]

You're planning up until that time.

[Amelia]

Exactly.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

Okay. So. So certain. Do you feel like your list.

[Emily]

How confident are you?

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Do you were.

[Amelia]

I was confident, but it's because I didn't know anything. I went. It was a classic case of like, oh.

[Emily]

I was like, kruger, no buy.

[Amelia]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, oops, I didn't even know what I had in my closet. And I was like, I'm not gonna buy any more clothes, except that I'm gonna have to walk around wearing clothes that don't fit or are stained because they're the ones I have. Anyway, that was dumb. It was not certain for me. But your list you feel like is certain?

[Emily]

Yeah, I put a lot of thought into it.

[Amelia]

Okay.

[Emily]

I mean, I spent several weeks working on my criteria, which is why I like an hour of Let me explain to you what my rules are and why these are my rules and what I'm going to do. And, like, what are the exceptions that are.

[Amelia]

That are acceptable as far as specificity goes? You knock that out of the park.

[Emily]

Out of the park.

[Amelia]

Concrete. It was, again, very specific. And like, these are the things I'm going to not buy for this reason of I'm not going to contribute to Trump's economy. I'm not going to support businesses that are. Like. That all feels very intellectual, but the concreteness of it came with the specificity. I feel like.

[Emily]

Yeah, yeah, it's very specific.

[Amelia]

Yeah, yeah.

[Emily]

I mean, if anybody had a question about what I was going to do, I had an answer. And a reason for the answer is.

[Amelia]

I'm going to spend zero money on blah, blah, blah. The only way to frame a no buy, low buy as positive.

[Emily]

No, you can. I would specify it as I'm going actively to put my money where my values are good.

[Amelia]

Okay.

[Emily]

And I am going to spend X amount of money as opposed to. I'm not going to spend money. It can be like, this is my budget.

[Amelia]

Yeah. $60 a month on candles.

[Emily]

Absolutely. Okay.

[Amelia]

Positive and personal. Like, that's weird to talk about how it's personal because you had that big, long list of reasons.

[Emily]

Big, long list of reasons. And like, different people have different reasons. A lot of people are doing it to save money. Like, the economy is going to be worse and worse for quite a foreseeable future here.

[Amelia]

Yeah, sure. It's going to be expensive.

[Emily]

I mean, I don't. I don't know how dark to get, but last week I used the word holodomor in a sentence.

[Amelia]

I don't know what that is.

[Emily]

Oh, that was the Soviet starvation of the rural people of Ukraine. Oh, on purpose, right? Yeah. I'm real worried about farms and farmers and farm workers and tariffs on food. I'm worried about people in America dying of starvation while crops rot in the field. Yeah, I'm worried about that in the next year.

[Amelia]

Yeah. I packed a go bag for the first time. I'm ready.gov for the first time.

[Emily]

Yeah. If anybody hasn't gone to maybe do. Have we. Have we done an episode on, like, preparedness?

[Amelia]

We did when we first talked about COVID back in 2020.

[Emily]

Okay, maybe it's.

[Amelia]

And I was not ready.gov and like.

[Emily]

And I was like, let me tell you about our household emergency kit, which I have a, like, calendar event, like, household emergency kit. Glow up.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Reminder every six months in my calendar.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

So we are, we are ready.gov and we think concretely and specifically about the, the last time it. That reminder came up was right around the hurricanes and we were thinking about like, specifically, like flood is not a strong possibility where we live. But what would we do in a flood? The fires. What would we do in a fire?

[Amelia]

Yeah. And I live on Cape Cod, so hurricanes are a for real thing. By the way, my, my ready preparedness plan is to go to your house, so.

[Emily]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Amelia]

They're ready for that.

[Emily]

Yeah. Having somewhere else to go is a thing. We would go to Rich's mom's house, I think.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Or she would come to ours or.

[Amelia]

Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. I mean, if you came here, we have a whole separate building. You could say in. If.

[Emily]

Sure.

[Amelia]

East Hampton was on fire and the Cape was fine. For some reason I feel like the Cape is more likely to get. Whatever. That's fine. So in certain specific, concrete, positive and personal.

[Emily]

Why were we talking? Why did you start? Oh, I was talking about America, people. America starving to. And you are now ready.gov and part of your no buy low buy should not be. I am not going to buy any emergency preparedness supplies that I might need.

[Amelia]

Here is an amazing tip that I have about. If you declutter and you're making your Nobody. You're making your ready.gov bag. Make your ready.gov bag out of stuff you're decluttering because then you're not losing stuff that you would use every day. I really wished that I had not decluttered some stuff that I could use as extra. Oh, because my wardrobe is so small I can't like spare much. But some stuff that I had in the donate bag I put in my ready.gov bag.

[Emily]

So let me clarify for people who don't know why Amelia is saying I was not ready.gov is because there is current. Let's check and make sure it hasn't been deleted.

[Amelia]

It's there. I looked at it.

[Emily]

Okay. Is there is. There's a website, ready.gov, which is like emergency preparedness tips so that you and your household and your family can know what to do and have the resources you need in case of emergency. Given my level of concern, the reasons for a no buy low buy coincide with those concerns. And it makes sense that people allocate some resources to emergency preparedness because emergencies are going to happen. Both natural disasters exacerbated by climate change and actual man made disasters created by appalling policy that I can't say for sure is not a deliberate destruction of human life. Can we find something positive to end on?

[Amelia]

Well, I think we're going to end on Nicholas Bolton.

[Emily]

Oh, right. God. Jesus Christ.

[Amelia]

We're going to have a Nicholas B. Bolton apologizing for me burning up your $60 candle. Remember me? Except so much sex.

[Emily]

We're just gonna have to log into my cameo account to be able to get that I once got.

[Amelia]

You can download it and you can just have it on your device to watch anytime you wish.

[Emily]

Anytime. I should probably do that. I did it as I was writing Come Together. I got a cameo from Maria Bamford for Rich that was like, please say thank you to my husband for how patient and understanding and supportive he's been while I've been writing my book. And her cameo is amazing.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

She was in the process of writing her book, and she's like, it's terrible. Writing a book is so terrible. I've gotten myself in a lot of trouble. Cameo is fun.

[Amelia]

It is fun if you do it right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Emily]

I got you one. When you were diagnosed, I got you one from Jessica Kellgren Fozard.

[Amelia]

Jessica Kellgren Fozard congratulated me on my diagnosis.

[Emily]

Yeah. I. She nailed it.

[Amelia]

Yeah. She knocked that out of the park.

[Emily]

She 100% understood, like, the value of finally getting a diagnosis. That was genuinely helpful.

[Amelia]

I felt so seen.

[Emily]

Right. And it's not a diagnosis she has. It's just that she understands the power of, like, actually getting help. That helps.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

And she was like. She kept saying, jessica to art is a YouTuber, and at the time, her wife is pregnant with their first child. And she's like, I'm available for cameos because children are expensive.

[Amelia]

And I was like, why not?

[Emily]

Why not get a cameo from Jessica Code and Fozard and contribute to the, you know, they're having a baby fund. Yeah.

[Amelia]

I had been looking for an opportunity to send you a cameo, and then I found Nicholas Bolton. And when. When I burnt the candle and I felt so bad, I'm like, what's the thing I can do to assuage my guilt? What's the thing that's worth a candle? And I was like, nicholas Bolton's worth a candle.

[Emily]

Absolutely. Anyway, even though Nicholas Bolton has no idea.

[Amelia]

No idea.

[Emily]

No idea. So funny.

[Amelia]

Why she must be really sorry about this candle. Anyway, people can listen to it. So I wanted to talk about why I failed my thing, and it's because I forgot that goals have Qualities.

[Emily]

How to goals.

[Amelia]

Yeah, yeah. How to goals. I forgot to. I think we should call this episode goals 101. Why Amelia failed the no buy low buy by like 1200. There is an exception. I'm gonna say to my no buy low buy plan. No shopping plan is that I haven't received all this stuff from Thredup because it takes forever for shit to ship.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

So if anything comes and it's not right, it's not right and I need to replace it. Then again, no, I'm not going to make that exception because it's only until Disney and I have enough clothes to wear between now and Disney for sure.

[Emily]

Even if the things arrive or not.

[Amelia]

Even if things arrive, I'm going to postpone and I'll start re shopping to replace them in May.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Amelia]

Yeah. So for the next six weeks or whatever it is.

[Emily]

So when we are about to go to Disney or have just gotten back, we will check in to see how you did or should we check in more often because more frequent check ins are greater accountability.

[Amelia]

No, I don't think I need greater accountability. I think I just needed.

[Emily]

We are not accountability buddy people. Like, I don't need somebody to.

[Amelia]

No, we're competitive about how much sleep we get and Wordle.

[Emily]

Yeah, but that's not accountability. Like, I don't feel like pointing to you how much sleep I get but motivates me to protect my sleep. I am motivated to protect my sleep. I don't. I don't need an accountability buddy. I'm right. No, I'm autistic. I am rigid.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Rigid.

[Amelia]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Emily]

Also I have a master's degree in public health. I got trained in effective behavior change counseling.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Like I worked as a health educator. I. You can behave.

[Amelia]

Council yourself.

[Emily]

Yeah, yeah. I'm formally trained in how to do it so I could do it for myself.

[Amelia]

Yeah, no, this is. This is fine. But now that I've set a real reasonable, achievable goal that is soon, certain, specific, concrete, positive and personal, I'm definitely going to be able to conform to it. No exceptions.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

Between now and Disney. There's nothing I need between now and Disney.

[Emily]

And I did not explain the rules for goal making. I did not explain why I had such a comprehensive list. Right. Of what I would just like do and I forgot. Yeah, you forgot because I've done no.

[Amelia]

Buy lullabies successfully in the past.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

And I enjoy. I enjoy restrictive behavior.

[Emily]

Which is not super healthy but cool.

[Amelia]

But like. No, I enjoy there being rules about how to live.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Amelia]

You know, if there's just no rules, then, like, the planet feels higgledy piggledy to me. And so anyway, I enjoy. So I've done it successfully in the past, so I thought I didn't have to be like, all specific about it, but I was wrong. I was wrong.

[Emily]

Sometimes you are wrong. I am currently reminded of that time that you went glamping and I got a text from you in the middle of the night. All caps. There's a raccoon in my tent. Yeah, you were wrong about glamping. There's a raccoon in my tent, baby.

[Amelia]

Wrong about glamping. I thought it'd be great. It was great. When I arrived, it was this tent and this outdoor, like, slash indoor. It was awesome. And then 2am Rustling.

[Emily]

Rustling noises within the tent.

[Amelia]

At first I didn't know if it was a person or an animal because, like, you know, sure, it's a tent. Dark as hell. And. Yeah. Anyway, I.

[Emily]

Sometimes you gotta try shit and fail, and then that's how you figure out how to do it.

[Amelia]

And honestly, I also enjoy that. Trying a new thing and discovering that I never want to do that again. I. I like that.

[Emily]

Yeah, that's really. That's.

[Amelia]

I. I am more novelty seeking than.

[Emily]

You, which is so strange. Doesn't that seem like. Not how we would be? Because I'm like the sympathetic one and you're the dorsal one.

[Amelia]

Yeah. I don't know. I can't explain it. Whatever. I've been trying to end this episode for like 10 minutes. Okay. I wanted it to be short and, like, accessible and, like, make one strong point. And I think we've done that.

[Emily]

We have absolutely done that. With the added bonus of make sure in your no buy, low buy, you are creating space for ready.gov.

[Amelia]

Yeah.

[Emily]

And without further ado, and as you.

[Amelia]

Declutter, if there's a thing that's like, okay, it's just kind of stained, but you definitely wear it in an emergency. You could pack that in your emergency.

[Emily]

You could put that in your. In your Go bag.

[Amelia]

Yeah. There's a pair of sneakers that I had that I don't. That I sent a thread up actually, that, like, I was like, ugh, I wish. Because I could have put them in my Ready Gov.

[Emily]

Yeah. Bag.

[Amelia]

Yeah. Anyway, I didn't end up putting shoes in my ready.gov bag because I figured I'd be wearing shoes probably.

[Emily]

And it's. To have a backup pair of shoes is why you put them in. If, like, the pair you're wearing gets, like, soaking wet.

[Amelia]

The pair that I would wear are waterproof.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Amelia]

And four season. So you did it. I didn't think it'd be necessary. I'm just like, if there's an emergency, I'm wearing my LLB Goats boots because. Right.

[Emily]

They're good in an emergency.

[Amelia]

Right. And I have extra socks, so that's all I need. Anyway. Anyway, I'm still trying to end this episode.

[Emily]

I've been saying without further ado over and over, and you kept adding a thing without further ado. That's it for this week. Please enjoy the dulcet tones of Professor Dr. Herr, Honorable Nicholas Bolton. Sexy pants.

[C]

Hello, Emily. Nicholas Bolton here. Remember me? I have a message here from your sister Amelia, who apparently is in the doghouse at the moment for having foolishly burnt up one of your candles. She's feeling terrible about it and went so far as to reach out to me for a team effort apology. So we both hope this goes somewhere way towards making you feel a little bit better about the whole situation. She's very sorry.

[Amelia]

Richard.

[D]

This is a message from Emily just saying she's so sorry that she's been perhaps a little neglectful of you during the writing process of her book. And this is. This is Linda. No, it is not. It is Maria Bamford. And man, I feel. I feel for both of you. I am just writing a book and boy, is it a real wake up call. I don't think I enjoy writing. Whoops. I hope you got a book deal, Emily. Or actually, I hope you didn't, because I got a book deal. And then it became a confusing practice where I owed them money. Oh, my God, it is so hilarious. Anyways, I could tell you about Simon and Schuster and the pickle I've gotten myself in, but just know that, Richard, you are a wonderful spouse and Emily loves you so much. And she says that you are gigantically supportive and brought you food. Oh, my gosh. Sometimes my husband brings me a scoop of peanut butter and a diet Coke for breakfast, which is my favorite breakfast. And that is. That's the best. That's the best. The. The simple, simple things. The occasional bag of chow. I hope. I'm sure that Emily supports you in your. On your journey of whatever it is that you long to do or are doing. And, yeah, she's just really grateful for you and loves you very much. And just like this cameo, sometimes there's moments in a relationship where you go, are we okay? Is this. Is everything? Is this what we both want? And. And then you get back to having a good time, and hopefully there's some relief in being done with the book. Congrats, Emily. Congrats. I tell you. And. And you're both loved and much respect. Much respect for both relationship and literary accomplishments.