Ivan (0:12)

Ivan woke up with a bit of a headache and a greasy sheen from the night before. What time? Oof. What time had he come back last night? He didn't even remember coming back last night. Yikes. Oh, well. Not like a barber needed to be focused. With a steady hand, he lumbered down the stairs and threw on his coat for propriety. Onions and bread, he declared. Just onions and bread for him this morning. And coffee. He said he could smell the bread baking. Yep, just salt, onions, coffee and bread for me this morning. He sat down at the table, smiling as his wife prepared heartburn on the plate. She said the bread was already done here. The plate rattled as she dropped the loaf on it alongside the onions. Ivan poured salt over it and started sawing the bread in half. Is there, like, fruit in this? Is it a fruitcake? Ivan called out. His wife watched him pour the last of his coffee in the mug. It was bread. Since he had already finished up the coffee, could she maybe get some of it? At what? What is it? Ivan looked down at the bread that he had just quartered. Uh, honey? Yeah? His wife asked, stepping forward. Ivan reached down and hooked something in the loaf. He wiggled it free and held it up. His wife recoiled. Dangling from his pinky was a human nose by Jason and Carissa Weiser, the creators of myths and legends. This is fictional. What did you do? Ivan's wife screamed at him. What did I do? What did you do? He yelled back. She was the one who made the bread. You brought home the flour. She cried back. What was she supposed to check it for, noses? Did Ivan remember where he got it? Ivan shook his head. Oh, he didn't remember anything. He brought it home last night, didn't he? A cold panic ran down his neck. Oh, no. What had he done? People tell me. Ivan's wife paced. People say when your barber husband shaves me, he holds my nose so tightly I feel like it's going to come off. Is that what happened? Did you get drunk and shave someone too close? Ivan's hands be in a sweat. He. He didn't know. He rose. If he was found with this, he'd be in trouble. It was evidence of something. Probably assault, maybe attempted murder. Why was it in the flower? That's your question? Ivan's wife asked, but he ignored her, taking out his handkerchief and wrapping the nose. He had to get rid of this thing. He pushed past her and exploded out onto the street. Ivan speedwalked. He ditched in some alleyway or door, just let it slip from his hand on the street. By the time he walked a block, no one would be able to tie it to him. He'd be good. He entered the crowd on a busy morning street, shuddered at the nose in the palm of his hand, and opened his fingers so that it slipped down, still wrapped in his handkerchief. Out of the corner of his eye it bounced on the curb and Ivan breathed now to just walk away calmly and hey, you there. He heard behind him. He kept walking. Whoever it was could have been talking to anybody. You with the greasy coat and beard, he heard, still could be anybody. The only guy not looking at me. Ivan stopped. Rats. He turned around and was face to face with the sentry. I saw what you did, the man said. Droplets of sweat began to soak Ivan's armpits and chest. He shook his head. You dropped this. The sentry smiled, holding out the mass wrapped in a handkerchief. Can't be too careful. He slapped Ivan on the back, told him to have a great day, and turned around to walk. Ivan had to loosen his scarf. Trembling, he put the nose in his pocket. The river. He'd throw it in the river. He knew just the spot. He stood on Isaac Bridge, looked left, looked right, and tossed the handkerchief wrapped nose into the river. He watched it sink and breathed. All evidence of any crime he did or did not commit was gone and no one had seen. What did you just throw in the river? He heard spinning. He saw a magnificently mustachioed cop standing next to him. Was that guy there the whole time? Ivan said he just wanted to see if the river was flowing today. The cop narrowed his eyes. Yes, that's what rivers do. Seriously, what did he throw? I'll shave you two times a week. Free, ivan said. What? The officer replied. Three times. Ivan narrowed his eyes to sweeten the pot. He had to need it, what with that amazing mustache. Now you'd think that immediately trying to bribe a cop with free shaves would come off as suspicious, especially because the officer had absolutely nothing on Ivan. Probably don't do that. But for Ivan it worked out because the only thing the officer loved more than justice was his epic stache. Once Ivan got him talking, he learned that the cop actually rotated through three barbers in order to keep it at its desired length and thickness. The pair parted after Ivan imparted some facial hair care tips, and when the officer was walking away from the bridge, he couldn't even remember why he had been talking to Ivan to begin with. Ivan breathed and taking one last look to make sure he didn't see the nose anywhere, headed back home Elsewhere in the city, Major Kovalov stretched in bed. He blinked. Wow. He slept late. His feet hit the floor and he rose with more aches than he did yesterday. He walked over to the mirror and froze. His nose. His nose was gone. He stood there staring at it for a solid 20 seconds. The spot where his nose had been was just flat. There was no scar, no opening. It was just nothing. He poked at it. It didn't hurt. It was just more face. What was happening? His house was empty. He wasn't married and hadn't had any visitors that night. Major Kovalov dressed, and after studying his face, wondering what he was going to do for a solid five minutes, he stepped out onto the street, holding a handkerchief to the spot where his nose would have been. He walked with his head back as if he had a nosebleed, nodding at people as he passed. Major Kovalov was a big deal and he knew it. He would catch people on the street he didn't know, point to his house and ask who lived there. They would say, why, Major Kovalov, of course. And he would smile. Yeah, that's right. Major Kovalov swore when he couldn't catch a passing carriage. So he continued on down the street on foot, complaining about his bloody nose. Ah, so annoying. Kept feeling his face, the wide, flat, Voldemort like spot. How was this possible? I mean, was it possible or was it just his imagination? He stepped inside a nearby shop to see if he could get a look in one of their mirrors and maybe ask someone. Wow, that's horrifying. The shop owner said when she laid eyes on the flat spot on Major Kovalov's face. He sneered. She said he would have a nice face if there was something there in the center. Instead of absolutely nothing. Major Kovalov covered his face again with the handkerchief and stormed out of the store. He looked up and breathed. Finally, a carriage. He walked up to it, then froze. What in the world? There, wearing the uniform of an officer, was his nose. It was almost as big as he was. The carriage creaked as it stepped down and the crowd parted for it, not out of horror, but respect. Major Kovalov's world was spinning as the nose. His nose walked into the clothing store. How was any of this possible? Major Kovalov barely had any time to process that because the nose emerged from the store. It was now wearing a gold embroidered uniform with a stiff, high collar and a sword at its belt. Its plumed hat dipped as it said hello to the people as it passed, and when it boarded the carriage again. It said a nasally drive on to its driver, and the carriage lurched forward before it began rolling down the street. It was only then that Major Kovalov realized the Nose, his nose was getting away. He ran after shoving through the crowded street, and the Nose would have gotten away if it hadn't stopped at the bazaar. The Nose was on his face. Yesterday it couldn't drive or talk. Now it could wear a uniform and give orders. Major Kovalov felt like he was going mad. But in a world gone mad, a world that accepted a nose as a person, maybe he was the only sane one. He finally found his nose standing, inspecting the wares at a stand. Major Kovalov tapped it on the shoulder. Yes? The Nose said, addressing Major Kovalov. What are you doing? Major Kovalov asked his nose. The Nose said it was looking at the goods here and it would like to be left in peace. You should know your place. You should be in your place. Major Kovalov yelled. The bazaar stopped around him to watch the scene. And where would that be? The Nose asked. Major Kovalov pulled his handkerchief away. Here, right here. The Nose scoffed. What did the Major mean by that? You are a nose. You are my nose. I don't know how or why you're standing in front of me dressed like a state official, but I need you back on my face. Major Kovalov screamed. The Nose waggled back and forth. Yeah, all that sounds like a you problem. I don't know anything about your rantings and ravings, but we're not related. We don't even work in the same department. From the look of your clothes. Major Kovalov shook with rage and confusion. He was dressed like this because he got dressed in a hurry, because he woke up without a nose. It was at this time that the shop owner stepped from the crowd. This was too much, this harassment of his customers. He needed to ask Major Kovalov to please go somewhere else. The shop owner looked to the Nose for approval and the Nose nodded as the nose stepped away into the crowd. Major Kovalov shouted after him, but couldn't follow with the store owner blocking his way. That was his no, there's pull and then there's being able to not just file a police report, but go to the police superintendent's house before the guy has left for work. Major Kovalov had that kind of pull, or he thought he did. The superintendent was out, and Major Kovalov couldn't coerce his footmen to find him and demand his return. But then Major Kovalov had another thought. His nose. Whatever was happening here, noses didn't just leave bodies, they couldn't. It wasn't normal, it wasn't proper. Further, it was wrong. The nose was doing something wrong and it had been caught. If Major Kovalov was caught in a compromising situation he couldn't pay or coerce his way out of, he he would try to flee the city. If his nose did that, it might be a month before they were able to find the thing. If they could. It wasn't just any common criminal, it was his nose. And he needed that thing back on his face. Major Kovalov diverted the coach from the police station to the advertising office. It wasn't going fast enough. So, like the driver, whip the horse. Major Kovalov punched the driver in the back, telling the scoundrel to hurry up. Go, go. They made it to the advertising office quickly, mainly because Major Kovalov had communicated the urgency, but also because the driver didn't want to keep getting punched in the back. By the way, don't do that to your next Uber. You will probably get arrested. Major Kovalov didn't, though. Soon he was at the advertisement office. Name? The clerk asked. Major Kovalov said they didn't need his name, just Major. He was looking for someone. Runaway serf. Major Kovalov said no. If it was just a servant, he wouldn't worry so much. No, this was his nose that ran away. And how much did Mr. Nose steal from you that you're putting an ad in the papers? Major Kovalov, handkerchief still on his face, said no. His nose had run away. He wanted to put an ad in the paper for his nose. You. Your nose. The clerk stopped writing. How did that happen? Major Kovalov said he didn't know how it happened, he just required it back. Please. His nose was fleeing the city as they spoke. How could he live without his nose? Did the clerk have any idea how many lady friends he had? Major Kovalov would clue him in. If he had a Voldemort face, it would be zero. He could live with it if his little toe ran away. But his nose. The clerk sighed. Okay, yeah. He wasn't running the ad. Major Kovalov asked, why not? Because it's ridiculous. If I run your ad about your nose, what's next? Some guy's talking horse? No, this is a serious paper for serious people. You can make your little joke somewhere else. Major Kovalov revealed his face. Look. Look at him. His nose was gone. Clerk, recoil. Well, Major Kovalov should really see a doctor about that, shouldn't he? He shouldn't be putting ads in the paper. Major Kovalov stormed out. He would go to the police commissary after all. Yeah, sorry, he's napping now, the secretary said. When Major Kovalov made it to the police station and asked after the superintendent, Major Kovalov ignored the man and burst on in, shaking the superintendent awake. The man, who had just returned from a 3 vodka lunch, grumbled, this was not a great time to start a case. He was sleepy from lunch and he had tickets to the opera tonight. So? So my nose is gone and I give enough money to this department that you should be jumping up to ensure it doesn't escape. The superintendent sat up. He said the major had his nose stolen and he wanted them to track it down. He chuckled. Respectable people didn't have their noses stolen. If Major Kovalov could have, he would have looked down his nose at the superintendent. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He outranked the man. And if this man was making jokes at his expense, Major Kovalov was of the opinion that in. In comedy you never punch up, only down. He wouldn't take this outrage. He left the superintendent without another word, and the man was more than happy to return to his nap. Major Kovalov walked home. It was already starting to get dark. He had been away almost all day chasing his nose. When he returned, he found his valet, who just had an unexpected vacation day, engaging in his favorite pastime of, according to the story, laying on the couch and spinning at the ceiling, trying to see if he could get the same spot twice. What he did get was a beating. When Major Kovalov returned unexpectedly a few minutes later, Major Kovalov sat in the parlor lamenting his fate, running through what could have happened. He wasn't drunk anymore. He wasn't hallucinating. Maybe sorceresses hired by the mother of some girl he was refusing to marry. As he started to figure out how to bring the wife of a superior officer up on charges of sorcery, he heard a knock at the door. The policeman strode in. Major Kovalov. Major Kovalov nodded. Did you lose your nose, sir? Major Kovalov gasped. Yes. Yes, he did. The policeman nodded. Well, we got him. They got him trying to leave the city with a forged passport. They brought him in, and after the superintendent woke up, they learned that Major Kovalov had been looking for his nose. Major Kovalov said yes, he would head down to the station immediately. The policeman shook his head. No need. They brought the nose. Major Kovalov looked to the door to see the nose standing in between two officers. Kovalov told them to go ahead and put him on the couch. He thanked the officer who made the arrest. Could he get him some tea or something? No, thank you. I must be going. The officer said, I work nights at the prison. The cost of living is very high. My mother in law lives with me and my wife and I have many children. My eldest is very hopeful and intelligent, but I have no means for their education. Major Kovalev said, okay, that's a lot. The officer left. Major Kovalov spun around to see the nose trying to climb out the window. Oh, no, it didn't. The man tackled the nose and dragged it over to the mirror, lifting it up to his face. Time for this nightmare to be over. He placed the nose on his face, right where it had been, and breathed. It was finished. His nose was back on his face, but it wasn't going to stay there. It stuck slightly. It was skin to skin. But then it fell, thudding to the table below. No, no, no, no, you stay. You stay on there. Major Kovalov yelled as he kept trying to get the nose that now felt like it was made of wood to stay on his face. It wouldn't, though, no matter how hard he tried. He put the nose under a glass and. And putting one foot on the glass so the thing didn't escape, yelled for his valet to get the doctor. This nose was going back on his face no matter what. The doctors studied Major Kovalov's first face, studied the nose and frowned. Sorry, not possible. Not possible? What do you mean, not possible? It's my nose. The doctor said, look in this. The treatment is worse than the disease. If Major Kovalov tried to force the nose back on his face, it wouldn't work out. In fact, it might even be worse off than before. Besides, it wouldn't even work anymore. Major Kovalov said he didn't care, just sew it back on. He didn't go dancing. The only time there would be any risk of bumping the thing would be, you know, time with the ladies. And if he didn't have a nose, there wouldn't be any of that anyway. He pulled out a wad of cash. Please, Doc, you pay anything bribes, huh? Would the doctor like a nice bribe? Mmm. The doctor told him to put that away. He didn't treat patients out of love of money. He did it because he cared, and the best thing he could do for Major Kovalov and Major Kovalov could do for himself, was to accept his life. Now, put the nose in some vinegar to preserve it, maybe sell it. If Major Kovalov wasn't going to charge too high a price for it, even the doctor would be happy to take it. Can't ever have too many preserved body parts. Major Kovalov recoiled in disgust. He would never sell his nose, not at any cost. The doctor shrugged. Well, then there was nothing he could do here. He nodded to the major and left. That night, Major Kovalov left the book on top the glass where the nose laid, and the thing didn't move even after dawn. Major Kovalov, though, didn't stop moving. He seethed. He had to do something. He grinned. This was Madame Alexandria who wanted Major Kovalov to marry her daughter. She had done this with her witchcraft. Major Kovalov penned a definitely well thought out and not scary letter to the woman saying that he knew what she was doing, how she had consulted with the witch to make him lose his nose. He wanted it back on his face. He sealed and sent it. And for accusing your boss's wife of using witchcraft to take off your nose, he got probably the best response possible. She said she didn't do it, obviously, and even without the nose, she was still happy to marry her daughter off to Major Kovalov. So, you know, let her know, yeah, we're not gonna charge her with a crime, the government's investigators said the following day, when the handkerchiefed man stood ranting but the letter before him. There was no evidence she was involved at all, and frankly, she came off as super nice. In the letter, Major Kovalov slammed his hand down on the counter. The devil was behind this, then? The investigator said. Yeah, then that wasn't their jurisdiction. Major Kovalov returned home seething. When he did, of course, he found his door swinging open. The glass the nose had been trapped under was overturned, the book was flipped open, and the pages were flipping in the wind. The nose had escaped. I'm not sure if doctor patient confidentiality was a thing yet, but it didn't really matter. The investigators, the police, and Madame Alexandria all knew about Major Kovalov's absconding nose, and rumors began to spread. Rumors and sightings, of course. Spotting a nose on the street, riding in a carriage, dressed and sized like a human man. Boring. Seeing a nose who's the center of all the hottest gossip in the city, out for a night on the town, dressed to the nose nines with a date on its neck, nose, arm. That is something worth talking about. It went to plays and operas in the evenings and took grand walks surrounded by spectators and admirers in the morning. During the day, it helped the Emperor make state decisions because since its release, it had resumed its duties with the government. It chose not to press charges against Major Kovalov for its day of imprisonment or to reprimand the police. One was just a sad man and the other was acting on the whims of said sad man. Speaking of a sad man, Major Kovalov refused to leave his house. He stared wistfully at the mirror each day while his valet ran errands for him. Then one evening, Ivan, the valet, not the barber, returned and found the master gone. Hi, Major Kovalov said. The nose jumped slightly and made to run. But Major Kovalov told it to relax. He wasn't here for that. The Nose did relax. Major Kovalov gestured to the sights and, more importantly, smells of the bazaar. He used to enjoy them when he and the Nose came here together. The Nose's nostrils slumped. It nodded. Look, I just want to say I'm sorry, major Kovalov said. The nose staggered back. Major Kovalov nodded. I never appreciated you. I took you for granted. I didn't realize how much I needed you or cared about you or would miss you when you were gone. Do I want you back? Of course I do. You go and live your life and I. I'll try to move on without you. The Nose and Major Kovalov nodded at each other and they parted ways as friends. Ivan. Ivan, come quick. Major Kovalov yelled. Ivan burst through the door. Yes, Master. Major Kovalov was standing in front of the mirror. On his nose was there that heat boil that was there the other day. Ivan looked at his master's face and his eyes began to well with tears. No, sir. There was no heat boil on his nose. Major Kovalov looked back at the mirror, at his complete face, nose and all. He smiled. He didn't see it either. He told Ivan to ready a carriage. He was going out. Ivan nodded, smiling. Very good, sir. Actually. Ivan, stop. Major Kovalov said. Ivan didn't move, and Major Kovalov walked over to him. I don't tell you this enough, or at all, but thank you. I am grateful for your service to me. You truly are a faithful servant. Ivan bit his lip. Thank you, sir. Also, Ivan, stop spitting on the ceiling. That's really gross, major Kovalov said. Ivan nodded. Okay. As Major Kovalov sat for a shave, that Morning, Ivan the barber's hands shook slightly. Major Kovalov was a little perturbed, but Barber Ivan was a professional, so he tried to put it out of his head. It was both annoying and relieving that Barber Ivan didn't hold him by the nose as he used to do and as he did with his other clients. Mainly because Major Kovalov was still a little worried that the nose being back wasn't permanent, but also because Barbara Ivan's hands stank even when freshly washed. I guess that's what happened when you had onions for breakfast every morning. Sorry for throwing you in the river, Barbara Ivan whispered almost inaudibly to Major Kovalov's face. What was that? Major Kovalov asked. Nothing. When the shave was finished, Major Kovalov emerged out of the sheet, ready to greet the world and determined to never take everyday things for granted again. So I loved today's story. It is absurd and it doesn't seek to explain anything about what happened or how anything works. And that is exactly what I love about it. It doesn't owe us a thing. It's just an incredible story about a nose that becomes its own person. I kind of found my own message in the story. There are themes of appearance, as in it doesn't matter if the nose is an actual person, only that he looks the part. Themes of social mobility. Even Kovalov is wary of approaching his nose in uniform. And a nose without adequate papers or a past manages to become a high ranking government official. There's even a literal reading because the writer of the original thought that the nose was the most important part of the body. No matter what interpretation you go with though, I'm just glad we have this wonderful bizarre tale. Today's episode was adapted from the story the Nose by Ukrainian born writer Nikolai Gogol. Fictional is a next pop production by Jason and Carissa Weiser. Our theme song is by Breakmaster Cylinder. In two weeks we have the story of a man who has an excess. The only thing they're not making any more of time. And we'll see how that is horrible. Thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time.