Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Is Mad I Won't F*ck Her | Financial Audit - Financial Audit

Transcript

A (0:01)

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B (0:10)

Action. Simon Williams audition for Wonder Man.

A (0:14)

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B (0:20)

I'll never work again.

A (0:21)

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B (0:33)

No. I had the audacity of saying I would like to have a ladies night that is for actual ladies, not men in dresses.

A (0:41)

You just hate an entire group of people.

B (0:42)

I have a right to hate an entire group of people. Cause they're all awful.

A (0:45)

I've had transgender people on this show. I wouldn't say they're all awful.

B (0:47)

Well, were they the kind where they're actual transsexuals or are they just people who want attention?

A (0:53)

Oh, I hear your current boyfriend is actually annoyed at you that all you do is talk about your ex. And that's not surprising because I'm so annoyed at you. Just talking to you and being around you and it's only been an eye. Hey, I'm crashing out on her. Oh my goodness, she's such a dumb.

B (1:06)

Did that feel good?

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Summary

Financial Audit Podcast: “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Is Mad I Won’t F*ck Her” | Financial Audit

Host: Caleb Hammer
Guest: Natalie (34, San Diego, CA)
Date: March 6, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode features Natalie, a 34-year-old quality assurance specialist from San Diego. Caleb attempts to conduct a standard Financial Audit, but the episode quickly swerves into Natalie's tumultuous personal history, her fixation on an ex-boyfriend, her expensive BDSM hobbies, and her growing financial chaos. The tone is consistently chaotic, confrontational, and peppered with explicit language and dark humor. Underneath the abrasive banter, Caleb tries to help Natalie understand just how dire her financial situation is, but her self-deprecating, provocative attitude disrupts almost every attempt at a serious intervention.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Natalie’s Personal Background and Relationship Drama

Natalie arrives extremely fixated on her ex-boyfriend, who is 41 and left her for a 21-year-old.
- Caleb immediately notes her bitterness and how her whole identity seems wrapped around this breakup.
- (02:49) B: “He broke up with me.”
- (03:53) B: “BDSM stuff made me broke as well.”
She lived with this ex for six months post-breakup, in a highly open/alternative relationship.
Natalie feels excluded from her kink/BDSM community after expressing trans-exclusionary views.
- (16:06) B: “I also did get kicked out of the community… I had the audacity to say I would like to have a ladies night for actual ladies, not men in dresses.”

2. Sexuality, Boundaries, and Community Cancellation

Natalie’s sex-positive identity is entangled with her finances—expensive parties, outfits, gear.
Fallout from being outspoken about “ladies only” events has led to social isolation and further fixation on past relationships.
- (23:25) B: “I have a right to hate an entire group of people because they’re all awful.”
- Caleb pushes back: “You can’t assign an entire group one singular opinion.” (20:21)
Conversation repeatedly derails into controversial hot takes, especially about trans identity, with Caleb playing “devil’s advocate” and pushing for nuance.

3. Financial Situation: Complete Crisis

Job & Income: Quality assurance specialist, $35/hr (~$3,600/mo net)
- San Diego’s cost of living renders this insufficient for independence.
- (02:12) B: $35/hr; (03:13) B: ~$3,600/mo net; (33:26) B: $2,000/mo rent.
Spending Habits:
- Huge outflows: $8,472 in one month (vs. $3,663 income)—largely impulsive purchases.
  - Outfits and gear for parties she’s been banned from.
  - Sex toys, leather goods, frequent takeout, gifts for exes, books, and more.
  - (39:00) A: “Outflow was $8,472. How does that make sense?”
- Credit card dependency for day-to-day expenses.
- Multiple anecdotes of financial irresponsibility (Amazon carts full of stuff, buying vibrators over paying rent, premium pet care, paying ex’s bills).
Debt Stack: Over $25,000 in consumer debt, spread over multiple credit cards and payment plans.
- (44:29) A: “It’s $25,455.22.”
- Only aware of half her actual debt until the audit.
Budgeting: No real budgeting in place; no tracking of interest accrued; alternates between denial and defensiveness.
- (53:04) B: “I didn’t realize it was that bad.”
- (53:15) A: “How can you tell me you want to change your life when you haven’t downloaded a budget app?”
Family Obligations: Supports her mother (in recovery after coma) and stepdad (who fell for a romance scam), covering their utilities and cell phone, which further exhausts her budget.

4. Denial, Deflection, and Desire for Quick Solutions

Frequent denial/minimization of debt’s severity.
Defensive, sarcastic replies to any suggestion for accountability or change.
Continues to express desire for costly “rewards” (motorcycle, sex dungeon) instead of debt repayment:
- (76:47) B: “My reasons to live.” (re: dungeon and motorcycle)
- (76:54) A: “So we go into double or triple our debts.”
Every pragmatic suggestion (better job, family cost-sharing, budgeting) is batted away with a quip or justification.
- (81:04) A: “Your priorities are whack… you just need to get a job. You are not respected in capitalism in San Diego.”

Notable Quotes & Moments

Bluntest Insults & Realizations

Caleb (regularly): “You are a dick.”
— Refrain woven through as Natalie’s behavior derails the show.
Natalie: “I have a right to hate an entire group of people… cause they’re all awful.” (23:25)
Caleb, challenged on being too “woke” by Natalie:
“You’re out here making me look like the wokest motherfucker ever…” (25:49)
Caleb: “How could you spend that much if a fourth went to income, you dumb bitch?” (40:26)
Natalie: “I think I’m a San Diego 8.” (43:59) — Caleb: “That was the best joke anyone’s ever said in this studio.” (44:03)
Caleb: “You can’t do this. You can’t do this on your own.” (49:53)
Natalie: “If I cut them off, now I’m better off financially.” (80:13) — Caleb: “Are you going to? No. Okay.”

Deepest Financial Reality Check

Caleb (53:09):
“How, you haven’t looked once? …You can’t tell me you’re using an Excel sheet… You didn’t even know how much interest is accruing.”
On debt minimums:
“Your debt minimums alone are $771.67, while your rent is $2,000… $890.70 underwater.” (81:19)
On budgeting philosophy:
“Get out of debt, have a fully funded emergency fund, then your retirement’s… okay. 50/30/20.” (79:24)

Most Surreal & Absurd Moments

Natalie accidentally (or not) exposes herself to Caleb with a provocative photo, then shrugs it off.
- (06:30) A: “You are literally, unconsensually… showing me a picture… Your nipple is literally there and your pussy is right there.”
Caleb’s exasperation reaches a peak after repeated deflection:
- (41:06) A: “Dude. Oh my… Are you unable to have a conversation? …I’m crashing out on her. Oh my goodness, she’s such a dumb bitch.”
Natalie admits to being unrelentingly fixated on exes, refuses to take accountability, blames others for consequences in both relationships and social circles.

Important Timestamps

1:42 — Natalie briefly introduces herself.
2:10–4:00 — Income, breakup, and entering single financial life.
13:26 — Still living with ex-partner post-breakup.
16:06–23:30 — Exclusion from kinky community due to trans-exclusionary statements; debate about gender inclusion.
33:26 — Renting alone: $2,000/month.
39:00 — Major spending imbalance revealed.
44:29 — Full scale of credit card debt unveiled ($25k+).
53:13 — Admission of lacking budgeting or debt tracking.
76:47–78:00 — Fantasy goals (motorcycle/dungeon) vs. financial reality.
81:04 — Final budget reveals $890+ monthly deficit.

Conclusion: Final Recommendations from Caleb

Natalie cannot survive financially on her current income and lifestyle.
Priorities (big purchases & sex dungeon) must be shelved for debt repayment and basic budget discipline.
Strong recommendation: Seek higher paying work or consider bankruptcy if unable to correct course.
Responsibility for family needs to be shared among siblings.
Self-reflection and accountability are urgently lacking (“You are a dick… I was a dick to you, seventh apology. Hopefully you accept it. I don’t.” — 88:14).

Bottom Line:
This episode veers from financial audit to psychological case study on self-sabotage, unresolved trauma, and the technological ease of financial self-destruction. It is a rollercoaster of dark comedy, with Caleb’s frustration and Natalie’s provocations on full display. While the numbers are bleak, the real story is Natalie’s resistance to change—both financial and personal—with only the tiniest glimmer of hope afforded by her retirement savings and the off chance she’ll heed a single piece of advice.

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Key Quote: “Get a better job. You’re not respected in capitalism in San Diego.” (81:04)