Financial Audit's Biggest Piece Of Sh*t

Summary

Financial Audit: "Financial Audit's Biggest Piece of Sh*t"

Host: Caleb Hammer
Guest: "Rico Suave" (Austin, TX)
Episode Date: July 24, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this confrontational and often chaotic follow-up episode, personal finance creator Caleb Hammer once again sits down with “Rico Suave,” one of his most controversial guests. The episode dives headfirst into themes of personal responsibility, welfare fraud, workplace misconduct, and a candid look at self-destructive financial and lifestyle choices. Caleb attempts, often with exasperation, to audit Rico’s current finances and decisions, while Rico leans into his “bum maxing” lifestyle—boasting about scamming government assistance, spending irresponsibly, and generally eschewing social norms.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. "Bum Maxing" and Welfare Fraud

• Bum Maxing Defined: Rico describes "bum maxing" as essentially giving up on societal expectations of work, instead manipulating government systems for personal gain.
  • “Bum maxing is the art of like not really giving a s*** anymore. You just like taking.” — Rico [11:55]
• Admits Welfare Fraud:
  • Rico openly boasts about lying to receive food stamps and other benefits despite being employed and not qualifying.
  • “I lie.” — Rico [13:13]
  • He receives $300/mo in food stamps, attempts to get hot meals intended for the homeless, is on income-based subsidized housing ($500/mo rent), and somehow qualified for the Texas Healthy Women’s Fund medical card.
  • “I thank you, Greg Abbott. Honestly, I’m not gonna lie. I love Greg Abbott. He’s amazing.” — Rico (ironically, about Texas benefits) [31:43]
• Caleb’s Reaction:
  • “Why the f*** are we funding people like this if he can get food stamps?” — Caleb [25:32]
  • Caleb is visibly frustrated, arguing that people like Rico are the reason social assistance is so fraught.

2. Workplace Conduct & Job Losses

• Getting Fired for Harassment and Fraud:
  • Rico tells on himself about inappropriate workplace behavior, repeated harassment of HR, and phone call fraud as a remote salesperson.
  • “[I] made a couple inappropriate statements. HR and pause.” — Rico [14:09]
  • Head of HR, Valeria, is brought on to confirm that his firing was valid and would have occurred instantly in any reasonable workplace.
  • Also admits to barely working at current jobs, not showing up, and anticipating imminent firing.
• Hostile Environment Playacted:
  • Recurring banter focuses on minimum wage complaints, toxic work culture, and Rico’s refusal to accept responsibility.
  • “No personal responsibility as usual, Rico.” — Caleb [33:01]

3. Financial Audit: Spending, Debt, and Irresponsibility

• Spending on Sex Work & Lifestyle:
  • Rico spends up to $1,600/month on sex workers and drugs, funding it via state aid, payday loans, and non-payment of bills.
  • “We are funding his food stamps and rent control so he can give more money to [sex workers].” — Caleb [38:03]
• Using Loans for Sex:
  • Opens up about taking payday loans (“$398, not a huge interest, but it’s money”) just to pay sex workers. [73:01]
• Debt Situation:
  • Multiple credit cards, all nearly maxed or in collections, a credit score under 500, and debts to parents, bars, and an Airbnb.
  • Suggests bankruptcy as his plan, though Caleb insists it’s not yet necessary.
• No Real Budgeting:
  • Rico continues to make no effort with money management; even with sporadic employment, his account balances remain negative.
  • “You’re not budgeting. I hope when the black man gets out of prison he shoots your ass.” — Caleb [96:32] (referencing a neighbor altercation, not literal encouragement)

4. Extreme Goon Maxing (Self-Stimulation Behaviors)

• Details on Self-Stimulation and Drug Use:
  • Rico brags about taking massive amounts of Adderall (up to 100mg at once) and engaging in multi-hour masturbation sessions (“goon maxing”) for weight loss.
  • “I’ll take a bunch of Adderall and I’ll like Jerk myself off and I’ll lose so much weight...” — Rico [65:00]
  • Caleb and HR express concern for Rico’s health given these habits.

5. Escorting, “Gay Maxing,” and OnlyFans Plans

• Sex Work Exploits and Reviews:
  • Admits to raw, frequent, and risky encounters, using apps to arrange meetings and leaving detailed reviews for sex workers.
  • “After I had sex with her... I ended up just refunding it, saying it wasn’t me. And so I got it completely free.” — Rico [37:20]
• “Gay Maxing” for Freebies:
  • Rico explains manipulating gay men for free cigarettes or rides, playing on their interest but refusing to reciprocate.
  • “I can just take advantage of this.” — Rico [52:01]
• Considers OnlyFans/Transmaxing:
  • Open to starting an OnlyFans and even “transmaxing” for money, as a last-ditch move to get to San Diego.

6. Lifestyle Chaos & Social Behavior

• Travel & Partying:
  • Despite claiming poverty, Rico flies to Miami and San Diego, stays at hostels, blacks out at bars, and gets in wild altercations.
  • “I just like to go homeless maxing when I get blacked out drunk. It’s kind of fun.” — Rico [95:18]
• Altercations & Dangerous Living:
  • Numerous fights, including being punched by a friend, getting poison ivy in the woods, and being threatened with a gun by a neighbor over a girl.

7. Recurring Social, Racial, and Political Tension

• Racist and Socially Inappropriate Language:
  • Rico uses slurs and insensitive language throughout, justified via “Gen Z” humor. The host repeatedly calls this out and expresses discomfort.
  • “Do not say that to Tyler. I don’t like that.” — Caleb [95:35]
• Social Critique:
  • The group debates what constitutes harassment, racism, and the (in)effectiveness of social programs.
  • Host is exasperated: “It is people like you that pushes me to want to slash everything and then I have to just bring myself back to reality...” — Caleb [45:56]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“Bum maxing is the art of like not really giving a shit anymore. You just like taking.”
— Rico [11:55]

“Why the f*** are we funding people like this if he can get food stamps?”
— Caleb [25:32]

“After I had sex with her... I ended up just refunding it, saying it wasn’t me. And so I got it completely free.”
— Rico [37:20]

“I’ll take a bunch of Adderall and I’ll like Jerk myself off and I’ll lose so much weight...”
— Rico [65:00]

“You know what, you know what’s funny too? It’s like you got your personal loans. Why you do that, buddy?”
— Rico [76:17]
(Turning a critique into a dig at the host’s own business)

“You want to move to San Diego, right?... Maybe that’s what I’m trying to get you, and you’re considering onlyfans maxing.”
— Caleb [53:58]

“You are a piece of shit. I’ll see you in the post show. What a piece of…”
— Caleb [96:52]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Rico’s Government Scamming Explained: [13:07-23:10]
• HR Segment on Harassment Firing: [14:14-21:46]
• Government Aid and Welfare Fraud Discussion: [22:29-32:41]
• Prostitution & Venmo Fraud: [35:40-38:08]
• Sex Work Spending Breakdown: [38:01-44:05]
• Goon Maxing & Adderall Use: [65:00-67:43]
• Confrontation on Racial Language: [90:13-94:41]
• Final Financial Audit and Host’s Frustration: [96:08-96:52]

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Tone & Style

• Confrontational, Snarky, and Edgy: Caleb oscillates between incredulity, exasperation, and attempts at financial guidance.
• Irreverent & Unfiltered: Much of the discussion is explicit, with dark humor, sexual candor, and little self-censorship—especially from Rico.
• Satirical Social Commentary: Both host and guest use the episode as a blunt critique (or satire) of social programs, millennial/Gen Z culture, and attitudes toward work and responsibility.

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Audience Takeaways

• The perils and real-world effects of manipulating welfare and support systems.
• A first-hand (if extreme) look at “bum maxing”—opting out of adult responsibility for personal gain.
• Severe consequences of reckless behavior: financial, social, and personal.
• How self-awareness does not always translate to self-improvement.
• Host’s perspective: “Don’t be like Rico.”

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Overall Impression

This episode is a raw, at times uncomfortable, exploration of someone defiantly living outside social norms—by choice, not circumstance. It’s both an exposé of the holes in America’s social safety net and a grim comedy of self-inflicted dysfunction. For listeners, it’s a cautionary tale on personal finance, ethics, and adult responsibility—with a heavy dose of NSFW banter.

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Note: The episode includes numerous explicit and offensive remarks, which are not endorsed and are presented here for accuracy and documentation.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

So I'm getting money from the government.

[A]

But you have a job. That doesn't make sense. How are you getting money from the government?

[B]

I lie sometimes. I'll take a lot of Adderall and I'll myself off and I'll lose so much weight from doing that. And it's fucking.

[C]

What?

[A]

Wait, how often are you.

[B]

At least twice a week.

[A]

Dude, this is very illegal.

[B]

I don't give a. I'm a.

[A]

Okay, so why were you banned from Venmo then?

[B]

After having sex with this, I end up just refunding it, saying it wasn't me. I just like go homeless maxing when I get blacked out drunk. It's kind of fun.

[C]

Homeless?

[A]

Max, it's called being a loser, dude.

[B]

This is real money. You know what I mean? I'm not sure I can say the N word, but you've been running out

[C]

of

[A]

Merry Christmas in July. I'm in a giving mood, even for you naughty ones. Budget, debt, investing, real estate. All of it. 50% off right now. Not sure where you stand. My new and improved Hammer quiz does the dirty work for you. Two minutes and you'll know exactly how naughty or nice your finances look. Plus, next steps based on your score. Take the quiz, then take advantage of 50% off and finally fix your finances for good.

[B]

Rico Suave 24 Austin, Texas this is financial Audit.

[A]

Quick and easy. Well done, Rico. Thanks for coming in. You know the Internet love hate relationship with the Rico Suave. Me personally, more of just a hate relationship with the Rico Suave. You?

[B]

Your mom didn't feel that last night? I'll be honest with you. There's no hate relationship with me. And your mom tell you that? Let's just say there was a little bit of back return there too. With the taxes.

[A]

You're into boomers?

[B]

Of course I am. They're the Greatest generation. Isn't that what they say?

[A]

I think they called the Greatest generation the Greatest Generation.

[B]

I think they call your mom the Greatest Generation. I Might be your. I might be your dad now. I'm not going to lie.

[A]

Is that how it works?

[B]

Yeah, how that works. I'm your dad. Okay, as your dad.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm gonna punish you. You've been very mean to our. Our precious Togi. Okay.

[A]

What I was nice to Toge. Toby doesn't know who you are, little bro.

[B]

Okay, okay. Let's give it a second. Okay, Quiet. It's time out. Time out. Time out. Time. Thank you.

[A]

I'm giving you time. Go.

[B]

All right. So. You're so mean to Togi. He sat in this little seat while you ran.

[A]

And with that, here's the recap of the last episode of Rico Suave.

[B]

Well, I got fired. So they have a company card which you use for the guests. Oh. You know, if you want to get them like a little gift or something. But in my case, the gift was to me and it was chicken nuggets.

[A]

Do you still have that credit card? Did you give it back?

[B]

Allegedly. The company card is still on my iPhone. Still allegedly off.

[A]

You're a piece of. We know that you have paid women and still do. For intercourse.

[B]

I wish.

[A]

No, we know that. Cause you've told us that your weird rebuttal to it. Cause you don't know what to say. Is that women pay you for sex. Meaning that you just said you're a pro.

[B]

I mean, if you think about it. I am a. If you think about it. You want to know why, Tequila? Because I exchanged my time for money. Just like any prostitute.

[A]

I had no money. I have your bank accounts. Shut up. You're never getting my contacts. I never want professional. I never want to interact with you again after this.

[B]

We'll talk about it. Don't worry.

[A]

We will not. You know we will not. This will not be discussed.

[B]

You don't know that.

[A]

You don't know. I do. I have control of my life.

[B]

Whatever. Whatever.

[A]

Okay, so what did I do to your precious Togi? You will never know who you are.

[B]

Like a, like lunch lady. Like lesbian.

[A]

Like you spend one point billion dollars on. Blah, blah, blah.

[B]

You don't even get this guy health care.

[A]

Like I scream like a lunch lady to every guest ever, including you last year. What do you think happens? That's this show.

[B]

It's just how your mom scream to me last night. I'm not going to lie.

[A]

You got one bit.

[C]

Huh?

[A]

Got one bit. I don't think she'd someone that got fired from Tesla look.

[B]

Well, I guess her standards are pretty low. Same thing with your who gets fired

[A]

from Tesla working on the line. Look, what's wrong with you? You're pathetic.

[B]

We got our challenges here, okay? But I'll tell you what the challenges of working for you. I saw the wage sign of 725 an hour or whatever the hell that is. 725.

[A]

Where?

[B]

By the bathroom?

[A]

No, where the.

[B]

Is that. Oh, my God.

[A]

Out there.

[B]

Y.

[A]

The thing you guys to have here. Insert the picture now in our hallway. No, the thing you legally have to have that says if you are being paid lower than this reported because you're being paid under the federal minimum wage. Yes. You have to have that in your business.

[B]

Get this guy, okay? Get this guy, okay? This guy pays his employees 725 an hour.

[A]

And like, what?

[B]

It's like, hey, I want to go get a pizza. I want a little schnitzel, okay? But then this guy over here gives you scrap metal for your breakfast, and then he tells you you can't go spend, you know, 15 bucks at Taco Bell. I'm sorry, but is this not 2026? I mean, Jesus. I mean, I thought gentrification came to Austin. Apparently, it hasn't came to you yet. Let's get some. Let's get some on the upper echelon here. Okay, man, what are you doing? I guess that cookbook isn't doing too well, but I'll tell you what this is. You're already cooked.

[A]

Cookbook's free.

[B]

The cookbook is free. Makes sense.

[A]

Rico, what do you do for a living?

[B]

Jobs don't matter.

[A]

Okay, okay, well, they actually do in order to pay, even at 7. 25.

[B]

Okay, do you see this cup here? Your little sponsor in actually met the guy at the bar that is affiliated with this company. You see what this is?

[A]

I'm affiliated with that company.

[B]

Some people look at this as, like, it holds liquid, right? And that's the people inside your. In your little company over here, they call Hammer Media. Well, I'm about to hammer it to the ground with this little analogy. They want to leave, man. They only want to escape. You know, nothing stays inside of a container. It only wants to go. Go home, right? And I want to go home, too.

[A]

Where's home?

[B]

Austin.

[A]

Well, you are home then, so your analogy makes no sense. Where are you trying to get to, Rico?

[B]

I guess I did not get realized I was on the grammar show.

[A]

Okay, Jesus, cut the grammar. You're making an analogy for your life, and then you concluded with, you're trying to get home. Your home is here.

[B]

Are you, like a music composition major or some yes.

[A]

I'm a major at 30. When I haven't been in college in 1831. Sorry. When I haven't been in College in nine years. Yes, that's my major.

[B]

Okay. Were you like bullied as a kid? Because I could see it a little bit.

[A]

I was unfortunately. Unfortunately, Believe it or not, from the show. More so the bully.

[B]

The bully has. That makes sense.

[A]

You know, I changed my ways. Now it's just bully for financial reasons.

[B]

You know what's funny? I think we've all seen the story before. People of the audit, financial audit world. Anytime there's a big bully, there's a little. There's a little one inside. Right. You know, and so you just got to poke the bear a little bit.

[A]

There's a little bully inside my big bully ass.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You dress those. Whatever. What they. Those five, four club clothes. Whatever.

[A]

It's made. Well, what's the issue?

[B]

What is that? I don't know.

[A]

Clothing brand. It's fine.

[B]

You look like you're Moroccan or something.

[A]

Are you Morans are attractive.

[B]

They're okay. What are you? You're like Native American, right?

[A]

Yeah. 25% ish.

[B]

What is it, like Cherokee?

[A]

So how do you make your money, buddy? Cuz that's what I need to know. Going into financial audit. I appreciate you trying to be the host.

[B]

Welcome back to RICO Audit.

[A]

Today we're interviewing buddy. I need to know how you pay your bills. I need to know anything that's going on. Listen, you had a leasing consultant job just last week.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So? Because we don't allow people to come on who don't have a job. Now, you would be more of an exception because this is a follow up. So I want to see where you are.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But less than that, you had a job when you. When we were talking to you about coming on the show and you lost it right before coming here. You had that last week. It's the middle of this week. What the happened? Rico Suave? Did you steal money on their credit card like you did last time?

[B]

Okay, I'm trying to bum ax right now here. Okay, Mr. Mr. Hammer, whatever your middle. What's your middle name?

[A]

Joshua.

[B]

Joshua Hammer. Well, guess what? I don't know if there's a book on Joshua in the Bible, but if it's anything like Noah's Ark, it's about a. You know, you're not. And you're going to need a ship for this one, baby, because I'm going to. You're gonna need something to save you. Okay, I'm Trying to bum Max, baby. Okay, I'm taking federal for a half a week. Half a month at least.

[A]

Last week you had this job, buddy.

[B]

I never got fired from it.

[A]

Did you just leave then?

[B]

I never got fired from it.

[A]

Did you just leave then?

[B]

I don't think I did. I was.

[A]

So right now you're on payroll and you're not showing up. And you will be fired soon.

[B]

Maybe. That's it. That's the thing.

[A]

Okay. So you'll probably get another paycheck. What are you getting from this job?

[B]

Currently, 1400 bucks every two weeks.

[A]

There you go. Okay, well, you know, for you.

[B]

For me, it's not bad. For me.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

What do you make call?

[A]

$3,000 a month. A lot more than you.

[B]

You see this guy? He's, like, walking up in here with his little Moroccan. Get the rest of the employees here, like, begging for lunch, you know? I see.

[A]

I saw Lunch stipend.

[B]

I saw. I saw Mr. Club Penguin over here digging behind the trash, pointing the br. Spare scraps of pizza.

[A]

That's because he's fat. Of our show. Fat and fatter. So, yes, fat and fatter.

[B]

What is this? Dumber and dumber? What is. What are we talking about here? Jesus.

[A]

Good one, man.

[B]

I can see why. I would never.

[A]

So when's the last time you showed up to a shift? Well, you were never offered.

[B]

I never was offered because they discriminate. That's the only problem here. They discriminate against.

[A]

Not legally, but kind of.

[B]

All right. Somebody. Somebody. Somebody involved. Man, you wish. You wish this.

[A]

He chugged a beer before filming. No guest has ever done that before.

[B]

Okay, let me ask you this. Like, this guy is a. Is a half glass, empty type of person. You know, Actually, I saw this in the comments section the other day. In fact, you probably saw this too. Caleb Hammer is the type of guy to show up to a house party and bring his own six pack and not share with the rest of people. He would just, like, look at you. Kind of weird.

[A]

I don't drink.

[B]

You don't drink?

[A]

No.

[B]

Why don't you drink?

[A]

Well, one. I don't like the taste.

[B]

You don't like the taste?

[A]

Mostly it. Yeah.

[B]

Okay, you like the taste of. Of lying and being deceptive and being evil.

[A]

Lied about. What am I. What if I lied about?

[B]

How. How can you tell me you're not like, an alcoholic with, like, the voice you got?

[A]

With the what?

[B]

The voice you got. The little voice you got.

[A]

That's an alcoholic voice.

[B]

$15 on breakfast, you evil peasants.

[A]

Sort of like a cartoon voice and an alcoholic voice.

[B]

I was like, oh, I. I saw like a big Scott. Honestly, I was watching.

[A]

What's my evil? If you're going to call me evil, what's evil?

[B]

Your face. Okay, Rico, I've seen, you know, like this.

[A]

They're not the best Lindsay.

[B]

Lindsay Lohan here. I love Lindsay Lohan. We love. Okay, let me finish here. Okay, okay. And I don't need any squealing from you, from the guy that looks like the Jack in the Box emblem or whatever. Okay? So the first thing is here. She showed me your little Netflix portal. Your little Netflix portal. It's all his face. This guy's ego complex is bigger than. Yeah.

[A]

Is he talking about Hammer Elite?

[B]

Hammer Elite, your little app? I mean, man.

[A]

Or YouTube membership, wherever you choose to be.

[B]

Yeah, a nice little plug in there.

[A]

That's where Fat and Fatter is.

[B]

Fatter and Fatter show.

[A]

It's a fan favorite and I was

[B]

already thinking in my head before you said it. Anyways, so your little app.

[A]

I'm fatter of Fat and Fatter.

[B]

Yes, Fat and fatter. You should get on those epic Ozempic. But anyways, here it is. The little app over here. Like his entire face is like plastered over this entire thing.

[A]

I mean, brother, they know what Hammer Delete is. They watch the show. You don't have to sell diversity. I appreciate it. But you were saying bum maxing, even though you're kind of making a job, even though you will be fired from that job soon. What is bum maxing?

[B]

Bum maxing is the art of like not really giving a anymore. You just like taking.

[A]

Well, that's not good because this show's about giving.

[B]

Have you read the book? The book Art Not Giving a this

[A]

is it about like literally giving up on life? I don't think so.

[B]

I mean, man, you say I'm giving up on life. I mean, God, Nice apple watch. How many calories have you burned besides plugging in to charge that thing?

[A]

Well, today it's pretty early in the morning, so not much.

[B]

Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah. That's the other thing. They made me wake up at like 9:30. You think bum maxers like waking up this early?

[A]

No. So you probably shouldn't be a bum maxer.

[B]

I should be a bum maxer. I mean, God damn.

[A]

My aura ring has my fitness activity at 81 as my overall score out of 100 because I'm relatively. I. I like being active after work. But here's thing, I eat like shit that's my problem. You can't outwork a bad diet. Diet. Oh, don't we agree on Sprite? I will never touch you. Your hands.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

You.

[B]

You could touch these hands once I give you a little. Little punch in the face there. God, I could give you a couple shiners right there. They're going to make a shine in part two after I'm done with you. That's what I'm going to say. Anyways, your little app sucks.

[A]

No bum maxing. Stay on topic. I don't care. Yes. Hammer Elite. Great, great, great. It's awesome. Check it out, buddy. Bomb maxing. What are you doing?

[B]

So I'm getting money from the government. It's been like, no, no, no.

[A]

But you have a job. That doesn't make sense. How are you getting money from the government?

[B]

I lie.

[A]

You're saying that on camera. Okay, what have you lied about? What are you getting, Rico?

[B]

So, like, the government? I got fired from my last job, unfortunately.

[A]

I'm confused. Okay. What?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Because you're.

[A]

Okay. He was fired from his last job a few months ago, but you're currently at the job where you're making 3,000amonth, right?

[B]

Basically, yeah.

[A]

Okay. What job you were fired from, Rico?

[B]

I was a remote salesperson.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. That's what we talked about you potentially doing.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And you're fired. Why?

[B]

Look, it takes two to tango, okay? In this economy, your little 15. You can afford a 15. I want to afford my $15 lunch, baby.

[A]

Okay, it was a $28 lunch is what we complained about.

[B]

$28 lunch. Excuse me.

[A]

Yeah, sure. Let's do to tango. But what does you having a lunch have to do with sales?

[B]

Sales? Me having a lunch and working with sales. I'm not sure what you're.

[A]

Why'd you get fired?

[B]

I made a couple inappropriate statements. HR and pause.

[A]

Let's bring in Valeria. All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome off camera, but on the mic, our head of hr, Valeria. So where we just ended off, he got fired from a job two months ago. I asked why. He said he made a couple inappropriate comments to hr. I immediately paused to bring you in so that he can say what he said to HR while HR is in the room. What did you possibly say to your hr?

[B]

Honestly, I found her, like, kind of attractive. I'm not going to lie. So, like, I think the first thing I kind of said to her was like, oh, you look kind of good today. And she's like, oh, thank you. And, like, I'm. I'm A people person, okay? So, like, I like to get to know somebody. Okay? Like, you were in the Italian flag. Oh, you're Italian, right?

[A]

He's also an alleged waiver, so be aware.

[B]

Alleged. Alleged. Let's, let's. Let's do some. How do you allegedly get some more time and a half for your employees are working double time for you, man. Anyways, speaking of double time, look at your waistline. God damn. Anyways, I was. I was talking to her and I was like, yo, like, I love your dress. Like, do you wear that often? And she started giving me this, like, we were like, shoulder shrug. I didn't know that.

[A]

Pause there, pause there. Okay. He does that to you at the workplace?

[C]

Well, even. Even. Even without him doing all of that and giving me more information, just as he was describing the story, his body language and, like, even some gestures here. I'm like, what is going on? What is going on?

[B]

You got some psychoanalysts here. I mean, ready?

[C]

You're not even friendly with me like that, but I'm already feeling like, oh, okay, it's. It's starting to border. Inappropriate.

[A]

Okay, okay, what happened next?

[B]

So basically I was like, okay, like, do you wear that dress often? And she's like, no. I'm like, man, I really like to see you that. Wear that more often. Right? And I try to give her a little twirl a little. Oh, no, you did not do a little tour for me, right? And then she wouldn't do it. And then I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Like, I go on 6th street every weekend, and I'm like, yo, chico, bonita suave a sita. Come over here, mamacita. Right?

[C]

And, yeah, and that's not in the workplace.

[B]

I know women treat respect, but sorry, Rico. Can't flirt a little bit, we should be able to look at a little porn at work. I'm sorry. Jesus. Camera over the phone. Come on. We like to bring it home.

[C]

Have you heard of harassment?

[B]

I haven't heard of that word ever.

[A]

That's why everything's alleged currently.

[B]

Allegedly. I love as you get there.

[C]

What was the reason for termination? Harassment?

[B]

Well, that and, I mean, I wasn't making shit for the company. I was basically bum axing. That's where this all started, by the way. So essentially, all I had to do was make, like, 80 dials and I would just, like, ring the phone and I just hang up before, like, anything could, like, actually take place. And then I would just log it as a call. And then they found out about that. Not to mention the inappropriate gestures and honestly.

[A]

Oh, there's more.

[B]

There's so much more.

[A]

Please tell us now.

[B]

I was on the. Basically phone with my co workers and they, like, read your emails.

[A]

You what?

[B]

They, like, read your email?

[A]

No, no. You were what, with co workers.

[B]

On my phone with the co workers. Right? Like, like, like FaceTiming on the laptop or whatever. And like, I'm just like talking mad. I'm talking like conspiracies, all this. And like, I'm gonna entertain. I'm like the showboat man of. Of this company, right? Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

That's what they employ.

[B]

No, but like, some people, like, don't know when you're joking.

[A]

And what else did you. What did you joke about?

[B]

I joked about. I'm Alex Jones. I talked. I joked about the making the frogs gay. Right? And like, I was.

[C]

How long did you last in this job? Like, were you fired Day one, too?

[B]

I think it lasted like seven, eight months, I think.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Six, seven months.

[A]

Go yourself.

[B]

You. You wish. Gen Z. I'm like the youngest guy in here. Wait, dude, no, mark, Mark, I'm 24. You see, they discriminate against us, okay?

[C]

They.

[B]

We need more Gen Z in here, okay?

[C]

Not how discrimination works.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, I forgot. We got the expert on the. We got the expert here. Did you not hear what this guy said to. To Papacito over here is. He was stretching this guy. He's working double time. My main Mexican over here. Work. Stretching the light. Trying to get on this fatso over here. He's like, oh, I'd like to see you stretch more. What kind of sexual harassment are we working through right now? I mean, God damn.

[C]

That is true.

[B]

Put.

[A]

That is true. Put in the clip. I like seeing you stretch.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay, clip was put in. Mark, you better.

[B]

You better thank his ass.

[A]

Speaking of that micro quick where you. You could let the audience know how you feel about that. Wait, Brandon said that to me. No, it's when you're stretching here, I was like,

[B]

this has never happened before. Yeah, yeah, he sounds like a victim.

[A]

When you were. When you were turning, I was like, I see you stretch, boy. Oh, that refreshed you've been putting off

[C]

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[A]

That's what I missed.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I. I couldn't hear him. That is true. He did not respond to it, even though he was right in front of me. That happened. Let the audience know how you feel about this. All right. Okay. And there it is.

[B]

Okay, well, I'm glad that.

[C]

No harassment, nothing.

[B]

Okay, so. So apparently it's only. It's only sexual harassment if you're handsome. Okay. I thought it was the other way around.

[A]

I thought it was more like, mark is handsome.

[B]

Okay. I'm sorry, but I thought if you're ugly, you're gonna be sent to the goddamn tuggy. You know what I mean? Like, you're gonna be sent to jail. Right. So if it's handsome, it's not a crime. I. I actually.

[A]

Okay, what else did you do?

[B]

I mean, I talked about conspiracies. I flirted with a bunch of girls. I went on this, like, really weird drug rant with this random guy from Louisiana I was trying to sell. And so he talked about how, like, even catch that.

[A]

What a client he was talking to. He was talking to clients about drugs?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And what were you selling?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

How did you last our. Seven, eight months?

[B]

Yo, I can lie. A lot of it was just mental exertion. Like, Just like the show where they beat you down and whatever you sell.

[C]

How did they keep you around for seven to eight months?

[B]

How do. I have no idea. I think it's because I'm good.

[A]

Look, what were you selling, Rico?

[B]

Advertising, basically.

[A]

So no reason to talk about drugs.

[B]

Dude, there's. You got to get to know the client, baby. Like. And I told you this the first time.

[A]

Have you ever done.

[B]

Yeah, I've done it. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[A]

No, I was.

[B]

Oh, that was. Oh, I'm just practicing. I'm just practicing for the client. Okay. I thought we're doing a social experiment. Jesus Christ. This. He sexually harassed a Mexican. Okay. Jesus. That's incredible.

[C]

He did not.

[B]

Human resources. You're, like, the human. Oh, my God. Come on, let's get this figured out. Let's get this figured out.

[C]

So Valeria fired from the show? I can't. I don't have that authority.

[B]

But you got this authority.

[A]

What are you doing here?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Would we have fired him if he worked here with these.

[C]

Yes. On day one? I feel like this would have come

[B]

out on day one.

[C]

Conversation off the pipe. I. Red flags.

[A]

I think we all agreed, yes, he would be fired. But I brought her in to confirm you got fired for valid reasons. Even though we all agree that. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay. Thank you, Valeria. Thank you. Chat w is Valeria. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Okay, so, okay, you're fired for valid reasons now.

[B]

Valid. Valeria. Okay, I see. I see a little spiff over here. Continue.

[A]

Okay, so what do you do now? What's your current job?

[B]

I'm unemployed.

[A]

No, no, no. You said you have a job where you're making 3,000 hours a month.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I'm a leasing consultant. My bad.

[A]

Yes, Leasing consultants.

[B]

I don't remember.

[A]

My bad that you have a job. What's a leasing consultant?

[B]

Basically, like, they just like show a bunch of apartments to, like, random people.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're not gonna have that job for long.

[B]

You don't know that.

[A]

Well, no, because you're not showing up to the job, but we'll put that as your income for now. Rico. So, bumx, if you said you're getting money from the government, that is obviously concerning. What the Is that?

[B]

So you just gotta, like, honestly, the government, like, they're so slow at, like, they don't even know that I'm. I'm technically employed right now.

[A]

Except for when it comes to you owning taxes to them, yes, they're very slow.

[B]

Don't remember that being recalled. But I do remember bum axing as a credible source of tax evasion.

[A]

So if you look at the camera, look at me.

[B]

What are we looking at?

[A]

I don't. You were looking over there. Just look at me, buddy. What are you getting from the government?

[B]

Food stamps.

[A]

Why? Why?

[B]

Possibly Papi has to make some carne asada tacos once in a while. Okay. I don't know what you're eating.

[A]

Why was going out to eat 30% of your spending then?

[B]

I have no idea. I just like to go, what the

[A]

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[C]

That is.

[A]

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[B]

Look.

[A]

Look as a society, ladies and gentlemen, the people that got angry at me for saying there's actually no fraud, it's just a conspiracy. You're just trying to hurt minorities and poor people.

[B]

He's.

[A]

He is a minority. He is a poor person by his own choices and actions. Why the are we funding people like this if he can get food stamps? What the. When there's someone with even a slight amount of intelligence, why, like, imagine what they could do. What the. We do it. How much Are you getting in food

[B]

stamps, 300 bucks a month.

[A]

I'm going to. Absolutely. How? This country's. We're almost at 250. We're not going to make another 2 50.

[B]

Better than your like, psycho military veterans that go in like.

[A]

Shut up. You're not the guy to talk about that.

[B]

I should.

[A]

You are a scammer.

[B]

If I'm a. If I'm a military veteran, why are

[A]

you doing like, Trump gestures?

[B]

Yeah, well, no, I'm sorry. You're the one that. Trying to get all these like, Fox News tidbits on, like. Oh, we were employing these people. Were you trying to get a Fox News invite or something? These people? Yeah. Oh, this little Trump. No.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah. No.

[A]

What are you saying?

[B]

What are you saying? Anyways, I don't.

[A]

You're doing Trump motions, but then you like, sweat your body like a gay guy.

[B]

Yo, you. You wish I was gay. Anyways, this is. This is my dress signal right here. This is the. You got three chances hammer, okay? And I'm gonna tell you what.

[A]

You got one.

[B]

You got one.

[A]

Oh, what?

[B]

Until. Until I'm gonna punch you. I'm going to punch you in the face.

[A]

I have a button now and if I press it, he comes in here with a gun.

[B]

Oh, nice. Let me guess, their boyfriend? I mean, God damn, nice job.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. You're impossible to have a conversation with stamps.

[B]

Where's that little, like, powder or whatever your little, like, gamer stops your little like. You threw that on a poor guy. Yeah, right here.

[A]

Here we go. You get a free thing of gamer subs. I'm not throwing at you.

[B]

Let me see. I want to whiff.

[A]

Making your energy drinks at home.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

That way it is 40 cents a serving with my 10 discount code. Gamers helps link in the description below. Get your free samples. It's free packets mailed directly to you with my code, Caleb. Figure out what flavor you like, then get this and you make it home. It's 25 cents a serving. It's like making your coffee at home. No more stopping in and getting some. There you go. I don't trust you.

[B]

Dragon fruit punch. Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Yummy. Please don't open it now.

[B]

Oh, my God. Come on. What do we got? How long have you been getting sides, steroids, Chinese food.

[A]

How long have you been getting food stamps?

[B]

Rico, I've been getting it for like.

[A]

This is for you. Just don't open it now.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Three months. But you got fired two months ago. How have you been on food stamps? What were you Making in the sales job.

[B]

Job like, you know, 13. I mean, I was making 2,000 bucks a month. Just on the salary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do we get?

[A]

Anything else in the government?

[B]

Well, I mean, being told.

[A]

You're being.

[B]

You.

[A]

You try to get the hot meals that are delivered to homeless people.

[B]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, because I'm hungry. Okay, you already had food stuff. I saw.

[A]

And you go out there for 30 of your spending.

[B]

I saw. I saw the.

[A]

I stay here. Rico, try to stay in this conversation.

[B]

Okay, okay, okay. Let me. I'm sorry.

[A]

Okay. Actually. What did you say?

[B]

I'm just speaking up for your employees.

[A]

Okay, what did you see?

[B]

Ye. They were with me. They were with me. We were standing in line waiting for bread because this.

[A]

No, it's impossible. They get a $50 a month stipend.

[B]

$50 a month.

[A]

$15 a day stipend.

[B]

$15 a day stipend. And you're over here bitching about a $28 lunch. Oh, my God. And we all know how expensive Austin is.

[A]

So these you don't have to go out to eat for a meal.

[B]

Are having to spend. Make your food extra $8. Spend. With $8, you invest in the S&P557

[A]

room for them. Make over six figures a year. Sorry for the one that doesn't. You'll get there someday. Keep leveling up, Mark, I love you.

[B]

You got this.

[A]

Keep leveling up.

[B]

You'll get. Come on. Just let him. Let him put his legs on your back. They're fine.

[A]

Plus $50 a month stipend, so obviously. Shut the up. But you're. If you're trying to take meals that the homeless people are getting, well, we're giving you $300 a month in food sense, which, by the way, with the HB meal plan and everything that we have made mathematically figured out, you can get three meals a day. Meal prepped snacks, drinks, and desserts.

[B]

And desserts.

[A]

$300 a month.

[B]

I think your mom is. Is going to count for dessert. I'll be honest with. You're impossible. God damn. Your mom was impossible, too.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

She showed me this move. Or she lays.

[A]

Let's try. I want to see if you're creative enough to come up with anything that doesn't involve my mom or fat.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Let's see if you're creative enough. So avoid those for a second. That's all you've been able to say for 20 minutes? Why? And how often are you trying to get the hot meals that are meant for Homeless people every day.

[C]

No.

[A]

How does this work? Tell me.

[B]

Basically, you go gone Google. You just look up I'm homeless, need food, and then.

[A]

You're not homeless, are you?

[B]

Not yet, but I will be soon. We'll find out. We'll find out. I mean, we got Hammer Media.

[A]

You are pathetic.

[B]

Dude, you got more square footage. You got more square footage than the ufc White House lawn.

[A]

Okay, dude, you're obsessed with the president. What is going on?

[B]

Yeah, no, you're obsessed with the president, man. Dude, if anyone's looking for a Fox News, this tribute over here is your ass.

[A]

Dude, I've called into Fox multiple times, okay?

[B]

You've called into Fox? Oh my God.

[A]

Last weekend. Yeah, it was one of them.

[B]

But I bet. Well, let me guess. You're just like. You're just like. Yeah, like we gotta like these people spend 28amonth on launch and they're lazy.

[A]

No, it actually hasn't been about that. And I'm happy to call in.

[B]

Some of us aren't millionaires, Caleb. Okay.

[A]

I got here by working the past few years, buddy. Thank you.

[B]

Few years. And hiring Mexicans to do all the hard work.

[A]

I'm sorry that everyone.

[B]

Aren't we sick of this. Us Mexicans, including myself included, even be Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay, Lindsay Rodriguez over here.

[A]

Mexican.

[C]

She's.

[B]

She is Mexican to me, okay? She's an honorary Mexican, buddy.

[A]

And I would call into cnbc, CNN if they would have me, but only Fox is called.

[B]

Let me guess. But either way, probably you probably like coming your shorts to get Kevin o' Leary call you, wouldn't you?

[C]

You're.

[B]

I'm sure you're into the AI data centers, aren't you? You're like into.

[A]

I'm not investing you.

[B]

You would probably like Rico.

[A]

Stay on subject, buddy. So you go online, you try to get these meals, basically. What does that look like? You Google I'm homeless. Help even though you're not. Go on.

[B]

And I say I'm looking for food. And then they have like an automatic map. It's called meals on Wheels or some shit. And you just go follow the truck.

[A]

But you are taking from people that actually need shit. You are taking from the resources I need food stamp resources. You make 3,000amonth. You are taking from this. Okay. Is there anywhere else you take?

[B]

Where else do I take? I mean I got this from Texas. Is like the women Medicare or some.

[A]

What.

[B]

I don't know how the that worked out.

[A]

So, Greg Abbott. What the are we doing?

[B]

I, I thank you, Greg Abbott. Honestly, I'M not gonna lie. I love Greg Abbott. He's amazing.

[A]

Yeah. He's giving you women Medicare. What is that? What. What happened?

[B]

So basically, like, you know, I applied for it and I tried getting cash assistance. What was it? It's basically like Texas women healthcare. I got like a pink card and it has like a health insurance number on it. So, I mean, I haven't used it yet, but I'll be willing to give you all my free tampons. Looks like you can use it. To be honest with you. There you go. That's a new burn. You like that? You like that?

[A]

Oh, that's what it is. It's okay. Yeah, we have it here. He qualified for the free health care. His health insurance card is under the Texas Healthy Women's Fund.

[B]

What the is this? What the. Amazing.

[A]

Pathetic.

[B]

This is amazing. Look, people like me need help, Caleb. And if you.

[A]

You are getting actually all the help. You're not the one that. Oh, yeah, even. Here we go. You're an income based housing thanks to my insane property taxes in Austin, Texas. So you're being funded for housing as well.

[B]

I am.

[A]

You're only paying 500amonth in rent because we're subsidizing you. That's crazy. How long have you been in this income subsidized housing? Even though you shouldn't be. You pathetic.

[B]

I'm four months in actually. Actually, yeah. I mean, maybe you could have. I mean, if he gave me a job, I wouldn't be in this situation. I mean, God, I mean, I'm. That's. It's on you.

[A]

Okay, you obviously know that's never gonna happen. The aid you just met the age.

[B]

It's on you, baby. It's on you, baby. I'll tell you that.

[A]

Okay. No personal responsibility as usual, Rico. No one's surprised. Okay. Okay. This is what confuses me though. But I'm not mistaken. I mean, I was. I. I would never talk to you in my life off camera, of course, but I was getting updates that you. You like, moved to Miami or like San Diego. And after our last filming.

[C]

What.

[A]

What happened to you since then? Yeah, what did you do?

[B]

Oh, my God, I went to Miami like two or three times. It was.

[A]

Went to visit.

[B]

Oh, no, I went far by myself

[A]

and I don't care.

[B]

It was.

[A]

But you moved somewhere. I thought I moved somewhere. Did you move to like San Diego?

[B]

No, I want to. I want to. I want to.

[A]

You left Austin for a long period of time.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No, I was told.

[B]

Don't tell Greg. Evan. Greg. Abbott, that. Because then.

[A]

Oh, because you don't qualify. So this is like. Oh, we can't. We have to keep that secret. Else you don't qualify anymore.

[B]

That's the issue.

[A]

Where did you move?

[C]

Move?

[A]

Come on, where were you?

[B]

Tell me. All right. I was in San Diego.

[A]

That's what I said. How long were you there? How could you. Couldn't afford to live there. I'm sure California even gave you better benefits.

[B]

It's like a bum max out in California.

[A]

Of course it is.

[B]

Oh, I basically just left at a hostel.

[A]

Hey, every provider in California that's paying an additional 13 in taxes. That's where it's. This is where it's going, by the way. Maybe you should move to here. Hey, beautiful. Austin. Where we still give him some money for some reason.

[B]

I. Dude, like, I thought they say the red states are bad. No, it's. This is like the final frontier.

[A]

It's easy to trip to San Diego, according to you, was magical.

[B]

Why magical? I mean, I had sex there. I'm not gonna lie.

[A]

Okay, so validation. Stealing from the government and having sex with. What the is wrong? Use the app called Private.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

Yeah, it's an app.

[B]

It's an Apple app. It's an app. It's a website. It's anything you want. European based, too, so don't tell Caleb's wife.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

Wait, are you married?

[A]

We're not having conversations about my life. Private Delights isn't a thing.

[B]

Go on Google, type in Private Delights.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. So, okay, so you were just.

[B]

It was fun.

[A]

Which got your Venmo band.

[B]

It did.

[C]

How.

[A]

How'd they know?

[B]

How'd they figure it out after I had sexual relations without women?

[A]

Well, first of all. Okay, wow. So you met up with a woman. Was she attractive?

[B]

Yeah, she was cute. She's mad.

[A]

Oh. I don't know if I'm paying for sex with someone who's not even, like, smoking, but either way, I think she's like a.

[B]

She's a boy.

[A]

Where'd you meet up?

[B]

She's a border hopper. I just met her over her apartment or something like that. Yeah.

[A]

And you went in. What happened?

[B]

I mean, basically.

[A]

Give me the story.

[B]

Here's the funny part.

[A]

No, give me the story. What happened?

[B]

So I walked in there, like, you know, she was super hot. I was like, hey, that's like, you know, whatever. And I'm supposed to, like, just have sex with her for like 400 bucks, right? And she was so attracted to me. She was so attracted to me.

[A]

Like she's in strippers. Like pretend. Right? Maybe for people like you, but I'm sure, I'm sure. I mean, relatively. I mean, you're not a bad looking dude. You just are very unfortunately, usually a turn on. But the thing is like, yeah, she may have been attracted to you, but she's not going to give you more.

[B]

Guy. We should talk to your employees about what else you say around here, man.

[A]

Yeah, God damn, my employees.

[B]

Yeah, no, your employees are scared. I'm speaking up for them. We gotta.

[A]

Mika. I'm sorry, Union.

[B]

Yes, we gotta unionize.

[A]

Rico. So you went in there, you there raw. No, that was Rico.

[B]

Not two weeks ago I did, but raw. No, not. That's one.

[A]

Wait, you. Two weeks ago I did, yeah. Wait, how often are you.

[B]

At least, like twice a week.

[A]

No, you're not. Where are you finding them?

[B]

Dude, there's like so many. Like, there's like you, there's. Go private and just find some near you. Like, literally, it's the easiest in the planet. I mean, like you got 200 bucks.

[A]

Dude, this is very illegal.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

Are they. They might be trafficked as well, which might be immoral.

[B]

I don't give.

[A]

I'm with legal prosecution if it's okay. But also you raw dumping loads.

[B]

Raw dumping loads. I love that.

[A]

That's crazy. No, no, no. Are you raw dumping loads?

[B]

No, because then I would. That would not be good.

[A]

But you're having sex with them without a condom.

[B]

It happens. Yeah.

[A]

When's the last time you've been tested?

[B]

I think it's actually been like two months. I think. Two months.

[A]

Okay. So why were you banned from Venmo then? After having sex with this, the condom.

[B]

So after I had sex with her, like, she like made me. I. Twice. Straight up twice. Shaboom. Shabang.

[A]

Good for you.

[B]

And after that, I ended up just refunding it, saying it wasn't me. And so I got it. I got it completely free. So I had sex with. I had sex with that woman for free. And so then afterwards Venmo like did like an investigation and like they literally banned me from the app. Because they.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Yeah, because they thought they were paying for them.

[A]

Now. How much are you spending a month? Wait, by the way, guys, with his. Go ahead, tell me.

[B]

It's like 1600 maybe.

[A]

That's insane. So we are funding his food stamps in rent control so he can give more money to. By the way, is how this is mathematically working?

[B]

It's called funding the gig worker. I know you give your Little doordash driver. Probably get a little spiff about your cookbook. But I actually donate to the gig economy. Okay, I'm.

[A]

We donate to you through our taxes, to be very clear. That's insane. So you're fully admitting to illegal. That's wonderful. You wish multiple. I wish you did.

[B]

Didn't you say you'd support if it was legal?

[A]

Log into private. Show me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Have a little peek. Have a little peeky. I didn't used to go through people's phones when we filmed with Rico the first time. And now it's a different day. It's a different era.

[B]

You're gonna lose your mind.

[A]

There's a lot I want to go through. I'm gonna go through most of it on the post show in that thing called Hammerly that he was talking about. Are you in?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, what are you doing? So you get, like, swiping. Okay. Why aren't you signed in? Sign in.

[B]

Sign in.

[A]

Oh, my God. Yes, Rico. So when your job sees this and fires you, I think that will be fair. So your income will be zero. And we'll probably get you on unemployment, which is actually really pathetic that we would even do that and support you like that. Greg Abbott, please watch this. And please, please, please, please.

[B]

Greg, stand up for my. Right.

[A]

Get him off the programs. This is absolutely insane.

[B]

Photo.

[A]

It's his back. I guess that's good. Do they choose or do you book

[B]

him no matter what city? Austin, San Diego, Miami, Oklahoma. Oh, I like that one.

[A]

Wait, are you sure? Do you yourself?

[B]

I've asked about it. I've asked about it.

[A]

Well, why are you getting reviews?

[B]

No, I should. I should give you a discount sometimes.

[A]

Oh, such an incredible experience with such a beautiful girl. Oh, that's reviews. You did?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're leaving reviews?

[B]

Of course I am.

[A]

What the.

[B]

You know, I leave reviews.

[A]

Made me crazy. Answered the door in her lingerie and her body is tight and fit and beat. Oh, my gosh.

[B]

There we go. There we go.

[A]

This is crazy.

[B]

This is good.

[A]

He actually is.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, this is. This is better than your comment section, I'll tell you that.

[A]

Okay. There she is. That's what he. Oh, that's what he's into, I guess. Yikes. No offense.

[B]

You wish.

[A]

I. I wish what? What do I wish, Rico?

[B]

God, you wish. You wished you could have mamacitas like that.

[A]

No. No, it's not. No, I don't. Okay.

[B]

Does that look good? Isn't that something you want to be doing?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Dude, you're. Dude, this is crazy. Man, no, no, because this feels like a quick way to, like, actually, like, aids.

[B]

No way. I'll find out when I get tested.

[C]

Maybe.

[A]

Do you have call yourself Drake? Here it is. Here's his email and phone number bleeped out. But, hey, my name is Drake. Just trying to look for a gal. Hope you like my body pics. Good death.

[B]

Yeah. You like the body fix I take?

[A]

Ash, Honestly, I'm trying to get to your messages, but I don't know how the site.

[B]

No, you message them, like, on your phone or whatever. So, like, you just.

[A]

You.

[B]

You basically, like, submit, like a request to get screened, and then you tag your ph. Your phone number, your email, and then you reach out to them.

[A]

What is fbsm?

[B]

I don't know what that is.

[A]

Okay, I'm just gonna do escort, right? Because that's.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

This is crazy. Oh, my gosh. Oh, bleep. Those. Those are actual tits.

[B]

Oh, yeah. We got some Russian prizes over there. So they might.

[A]

Aren't you afraid of them being trafficked in a moral? Like, that's why I want.

[B]

I talk to these women and they say that they're completely fine with it.

[A]

Brother, there's a think that's true.

[B]

Some of them. Some of them got saved from Ukraine. They were like, oh, yeah, saved by you.

[A]

And now what are they paying to make sure it continues?

[B]

A hand job or a hand grenade. You know, hand job or hair grenade. I'm not gonna lie. So it's up to them, brother.

[A]

This is crazy. I bet you've messaged this one.

[B]

Let's see, let me see.

[A]

Have you messaged this one? She's the attractive one.

[B]

Oh, no, she's expensive. I think she's like 600.

[A]

How do you know?

[B]

How much is that? How much do you.

[A]

He does know the number. He knew the number. That's her number.

[B]

Yeah, she's exp. Expensive. You can get, like, a hand job, like, 200 bucks to make a hot Russian woman, and if they like you, they'll let you make out with them.

[A]

Wait, that's it? Just hand jobs? I thought it was the.

[B]

Well, like that too, but like 200 bucks hand job, you know, 300. But you're not gonna get, like, a hotter woman, per se, for sex.

[A]

Yeah, you can't pay, like, a thousand.

[B]

A thousand is too much. I mean, unless you're having like a, like, Russian orgy then. Okay, but like, I'm. I'm not dropping that.

[A]

Okay. He just added one today.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Yeah, he just added one on snap today. He's Gonna be paying for a later me.

[B]

Oh, my God. Give me my phone back.

[A]

No.

[B]

Give me my phone back.

[A]

Who's this? Oh, hopefully you're not that. No offense. This. Yeah, she looks like it. Dude, he's paying for all these women. Oh, he just goes through them.

[B]

There's a lot.

[A]

Oh, this person blocked you.

[C]

You.

[B]

Oh, what did you.

[A]

Oh, and here's one. Here's one that he was meeting up with. He sent it all this. Sent the ad, she sent the address. He showed up and he.

[B]

Her.

[A]

He a thick one.

[B]

Oh, I remember her too.

[A]

So you're really just like.

[B]

You don't. That one's from Minnesota. That one's from Minnesota.

[A]

You have sex with her.

[B]

Oh, she's Latina. That's number one. But she's Nicaraguan. She. She's so short.

[A]

This is crazy you got going in here.

[B]

Look, are you just. Are you memorizing over there? What?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

You memorizing or what?

[A]

No, I'm going through your shit. No, we'll go through more in the post show because I just saw his Instagram and. Oh, it's crazy. Oh, full body central massage is fbsm. I'm being told. Okay, so. I don't know, man. This is kind of crazy you're complaining about. You're on government assistance in every way whatsoever. You spend 1600 bucks a month. That's.

[B]

It's great. You should try it. I mean, Togi does the same thing. It's like, you know, you gotta release that energy. You know what I mean? You got a lot of built up anger.

[A]

Okay, so this is the weird thing is like, I wanted to know what you've been up to this last year. You're not telling me very well. But the thing is, you were posting videos and things that were weird and so we're gonna. I wanna go through them now. I haven't seen it. They've talked about it. I've heard the rumors and whatnot. So I need to see what's going on. We'll play these on screen with y' all as well.

[B]

Let's take a look. Go check out my latest post. I'm conspiracy. Tick tock. My favorite conspiracy so far has been the Lost Dutchman State Park 1 over in Phoenix, Arizona. Apparently there's some lost gold over there. We'll have to go find it. We'll do a little trip together. A little field trip. Yo, how did I get used on this platform? I'm trying to get sponsored by. This is really hard. This is true. I don't have Any income coming in besides from food stamps, unemployment. So if someone could tell me what I could do so I don't have to pay my bills anymore and I could just have sponsor me, please just let me know because I'm done trying.

[A]

That's not funny. It's not cute. It's pathetic. And you should be ashamed. Even at 24. What's.

[B]

That's like a gambling platform?

[A]

Oh my. You are just the wor. You are the worst creation. We need to put you down in Minecraft. This is insane.

[B]

We.

[A]

We need to put you out of our misery in Minecraft. This is.

[B]

I'm monetized on social media. That's the thing though.

[A]

And what pennies are you getting?

[B]

3 cents.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Welcome the days of the king.

[A]

Shut the.

[B]

Hey, science. If you put in the SP5s.

[A]

P5s. SPNP.

[B]

God, shut the up.

[A]

You know what you're talking about. And you were on unemployment too.

[B]

Maybe I was.

[A]

Okay, you. I hate our system. I'm done. Cut the whole thing. Let the states run it. This is insane.

[B]

Okay, man.

[A]

Okay, sorry. No, no, I'm not going to liberate

[B]

like raising this guy's right hand, if you know what I mean.

[A]

It's just like Jesus. Yes, it is people like you.

[B]

That's Caleb.

[A]

It is people like you that pushes me to want to slash everything and then I have to just bring myself back to reality. And there are good people that deserve things, but this is insane that we go through. Okay, what's the second one?

[B]

Oh, great job. I'm gonna invite you.

[A]

I'm watching.

[B]

Not proud of it, man. That's a minute. I blacked out a bar and I have no idea if I paid my $10. Have or not. Oh, I'm not proud of it, man enough to admit it. I've been on unemployment for three months. Not proud of it, man enough to admit it. I don't want to get a job.

[A]

That's not.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That's not funny.

[B]

It's not funny for you, but for me it is. Okay.

[A]

Merry Christmas in July. Ya jolly. To celebrate, I'm giving you master your budget, master your debt, master your investing, and master your real estate. All of the it. 50% off. I've worked with a team of experts to build the best courses on the planet. Create a budget that gives every dollar a job so you never miss a cent. Get out of the endless minimum payment prison and take control of your money. Learn how to actually invest without losing your ass or your savings. Getting into real estate, I'll help you avoid the money pit and get more profit. And if you're unsure sure where you stand, shame on you. But you're in luck. My newly revamped Hammer quiz. In just two minutes, you'll know just how naughty or nice your finances look. And if you've taken it before, look out for some new and huge improvements. Oh, and I have a special surprise for anyone who takes the quiz. Click the link in the description to learn more. Take the quiz, take advantage of 50% off. And finally, UNF finances for good. If you or your child spent years growing up on social media and experienced serious mental health struggles, you should hear this. Recently, a jury ordered Meta and YouTube to pay millions for their role in designing and promoting addictive platforms. They knew their apps could contribute to anxiety, depression, and body image issues, but did not share those risks while prioritizing profits. The recent historic verdict underscores the consequences of those decisions. Now Morgan. And Morgan is stepping up to hold these platforms accountable for the harm they caused. Click the link in my bio to take a short quiz. You may be entitled to a potential recovery of over $1,000.

[B]

Are we speaking the same?

[A]

Can we make sure he's in the system so he never gets benefits if he dies starving on the street? That's his learner name. Let him learn. Oh, my. Yeah, yeah. Just commit fraud and go to jail. That'd be so easy.

[B]

I'm learning from the best.

[A]

You are discussing all the best.

[B]

This who this show teaches you how to scan the system. Guys, this is why I'm a bum maxer. Why the do you want to go work anywhere, make 50 grand a year, get taxed up.

[A]

No goals.

[B]

Bum max.

[A]

So what? For what? What's the life you're trying to live?

[B]

Move to Mexico is. This shit's the same, but I want to bum max, so I'm doing it. It's. It's like being a jabroni. You know what I mean? It's like you smoke a little J, you go, you sing away.

[A]

Yeah, but how do you afford the J? You still have to, like, pay for it.

[B]

We got to request it from the government. That's. That's what you.

[A]

You're not gonna.

[B]

I don't think you gotta request. You gotta be like, I didn't work. You know, no money underneath the table. Blah. It's. It's. It's a seamless system, okay? We're just on different ends. Ends on the. The wave. Okay.

[A]

Third one.

[B]

Yo, guess who just got tam mofos? I did not go to sleep last night. But that does not stop me from enjoying a white cloud. Okay, fellas. And such a loser I love. We need to be on top of the world. We need to be on prednisone because we accidentally fell asleep by a tree that one night and got. Got severe acne in my legs. But let's kill it. That was a night.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Whoa, hold on. Okay, so you're an actual pathetic loser too? No, no, you're just like out there falling asleep in a tree because you're like taking.

[B]

I was practicing because of your ass. When I get my. When I get. When I get my benefits canceled from people like him, I got. I might have to sleep by a tree. I might have to knock on his little dory over here and I have to be like, yo, yo, yo, yo, what's up Texas?

[A]

You will be shot.

[B]

No, you wish. Yeah, the only guns that I got that registered are right here.

[A]

Ah, you are the worst. Let's watch the final.

[B]

I'm on Ashwagandha last one prostitute for like $200. And then she let me her and make out with her. So it was kind of a win win.

[A]

She want to kiss a.

[B]

Just hot. Anyways, I hope I don't die of aids. Anyways, waiting for my Uber to pick me up. It's like four o'clock in the morning. Anyways, I want to thank the government for paying for that prostitute. So thank you Obama. They.

[A]

Yes, it's true and he is fully admitting it. I didn't even see those. That's crazy.

[B]

That's what bum axing is. Okay, either you. You. You enjoy it or what you know.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm being told you're also gay maxing.

[B]

What the is gay maxing? I don't know.

[A]

I was told you were gay maxing.

[B]

What the hell is that? I mean, I might have an old.

[A]

You have a lot of gay guys hitting on you, so you're trying to gay Max. Okay, what does that turn out to?

[B]

So I. What it basically means is you take advantage of the fact if someone's gay and then you basically get like free from them. But you gotta like. You gotta like, you know, you have no more. You gotta. You. You gotta be careful. Okay, so why no one's gonna.

[A]

Not everyone's like you. They're not just gonna RP you.

[B]

No, that's the thing though. I'm scared of gay guys. I'm. I don't like them.

[A]

What?

[B]

They're aggressive, dude. I don't want to be around them.

[A]

But say no. Stand up for yourself. Have some kind of agency to say no.

[B]

Well, dude, that's the thing. You got to be. Dude, you actually got to.

[A]

You have to be clear. Say no.

[B]

My dude, my neighbor dude, he's a weirdo. So, like.

[A]

Because he's gay.

[B]

Yeah, 100%. But he. I get cigarettes from him. I like siggies. And I was like, yo, like, can I get a cig? He's like, sure. And I'm an open person. I go and talk to anybody. Right. I don't give a. But, like, the moment you talk to a gay guy, they're just like, oh, you want to me, don't you? I'm like, no.

[A]

Okay, just say no. Because that's the thing.

[B]

But then that's what I realized. Like, oh, I can just take advantage of this. Like, I can just be like.

[A]

But that doesn't make the gay people bad inherently. Yes.

[B]

If they think you're flirting, ask Jesus. I don't know. That's. That's kind of sure.

[A]

From a religious perspective, but I'm just saying, out in society, no one's gonna. Most. They're likely not going to you if you say no. So just say no. Make clear.

[B]

Well, that's.

[A]

And they'll be respectful, typically.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So if they're not, they're a bad person and don't hang out with them.

[B]

Like, this is like, how much of a psychopath I am. Like, honestly, here's the thing. If I go in and I'll be like, hi, I'm. I'm a. I'm a straight guy. Can I get a cigarette from you? Or can you, like, bring me to the airport? They're not going to want to do it after, like, the fourth time, right?

[A]

Sure, of course. And that's fair. You're using it.

[B]

If you just, like, kind of keep yourself, like, you know, closeted.

[A]

So you're playing it. You're playing it. Then you face the consequences. No shit. If you are, you. If you are, works a little crack, thinking they're gonna get in the hole. They obviously think at some point they might get in the hole.

[B]

Yeah, but that's.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

I don't want them to get a hole. No shit.

[A]

I wouldn't want them to either, but I would be very clear and not take advantage of them. But I don't think gay guys are bad because of that. Yes. If you lead someone on, they think they're gonna. You or you. Them. I don't know.

[B]

Well, that's the thing, though. That's like, the first thing that goes in their head. Like, they're just like.

[C]

Right.

[A]

I think gay guys do. This is all they do. They just. Yeah, but yet you're gonna get AIDS before all of them with your Maxine freak.

[B]

God damn you. You. You wish you could beat me.

[A]

I think you're just jealous at Maxine.

[B]

Yes. You're jealous.

[A]

No, I don't want those STDs.

[B]

You're jealous the fact that I have more fun than you. What do you do all day? You, like, go sit around, like, reading?

[A]

Like. Like, reading is good. You don't like reading? Reading is good for the brain.

[B]

Look, reading was a. Was a rudimentary skill I lost back in third grade, unlike you lost in third. I know how to talk to people, okay? Do you?

[A]

You've been bad at this conversation so far. You go down rabbit holes like none other. Yeah, okay, so I'm also being told that in your. You want to move to San Diego again, right?

[B]

I do. I do.

[A]

So maybe that's what I'm trying to get you. I'm trying to make something productive here. Maybe that's what I'm trying to get you, and you're considering maxing. Why does everything have to be maxing in order to do it? What? Oh, he has another beer. We're not going to put that on camera for monetization reasons. Yeah, why not? Just drink through it, buddy.

[B]

Let's just drink through it.

[A]

No, no, no, no. Not right now. I want you to answer the only hands maxing question.

[B]

Oh, yeah. What's up with.

[A]

I'm being told you're considering that to make your move to San Diego.

[B]

Of course I am. Yeah. Like, after, like, all this, like.

[A]

But you're gonna have to do some things, and men will be your subscribers.

[B]

That's fine. I don't give a.

[A]

It sounded like you gave up there for a bit.

[B]

Well, like, it's different if it's, like, in person, I'm like, all right, no, I'm. No way. No. No way, Jose. Right? No way, Jose. You're not gonna get in the whole day. Right, But. And at the same time, like, if they're behind the screen, you got to know your audience, Caleb. Just like how you, like, scavenge everybody in your little. Little app. Yeah, your little app. You got to know your audience, right?

[A]

I know a lot of value, and if they consider it valuable, they stick around. And most do.

[B]

I know. I know a lot of guys are going to want to see this physique, and they're going to want to see what else I got underneath. Okay, so I have to say this

[A]

based on everyone thinking I'm a gay man. Which is okay. I'm not offended by. I will say I am not a gay man. Did you just hear me say I'm not? I was preferencing.

[B]

You're preferencing? You got a preference?

[A]

Okay, listen, but I look okay, I'm not a gay man but I can also tell from a societal standard. Yes, besides your personality and you taking people without their consent, you are a societal level attractive physique person. So you will get paid subscribers.

[B]

Thank you. I. I appreciate the confidence boost here. I want to honest show I want to throw another idea at you. So like here's what I'm.

[A]

But I'm being told you're considering transmaxing.

[B]

That's an idea.

[A]

So what is that?

[C]

What is a burst pipe, A dead water heater, the AC calling it quits? Who do you call? HomeServe is an easy way to handle unexpected home repairs with plans covering stuff basic homeowners insurance usually won't. Instead of scrambling for a contractor, you make one call to get the repair process started. Join the millions of customers who trust HomeServe right now. Go to HomeServe.com podcast for 50% less your first year. That's HomeServe.com podcast savings compared to renewal price void in Florida if I put

[B]

on a wig and like I put on some chi cheese or something. You know chi chis are I don't

[A]

know, I'm assuming tits because you did this.

[B]

I'm sure I'm going to see you in the of subscription. You can like dress like a girl and then like these guys are just going to pay you, right? And you got to know your audience, Caleb. And you got to know your audience, right? Just like how you got your little app or your cookbook, whatever. I'm going to be cooking with gas here. Like I'm not afraid to make money any way I need to. Okay? That's the whole point of.

[A]

So what do you think your financial score is? 0 to 10 today, day 14. No, okay, I don't. Are you trying to be silly? Stop. What do you think your Financial score is? 0 to 10 today.

[B]

Come on. Probably 2.

[A]

Yes, thank you. And I'm sure it probably went down from last time cuz it doesn't sound like you're doing very well.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

What is?

[B]

I thought this was financial audit now.

[A]

Can't go anywhere.

[B]

I'm going to go somewhere.

[A]

It's called well if you want to figure out your Hammer Financial score, take the assessment for free@caleb hammer.com just takes a few minutes to see where you stand. And again, it's free. You see where you're doing well, where you're doing poorly. Calefhammer.com, and if you don't want to be like a guest who ends up on the show and you want to know where your money is going, make sure to download the dollar wise budgeting app. It's a free trial. See if it works for you like it does for tens of thousands of monthly active users. And then like most of them, take the annual version because it saves almost 50% and you get the budget friendly meal plan signed by me mailed directly to you and the digital version of the cookbook as well. That will all go to you if you're an annual version. Dollarwise.com, dollarwise.app link in the description below.

[B]

I was trying to type boobs in the calculator.

[A]

Comedian man.

[B]

What do we got here?

[A]

Okay, so open to the gayness by the way, from everything you said. So I need to put chemicals. A lot of money.

[B]

Freaking frost gay.

[A]

Okay, great. If I can get you to do a job, what would you actually enjoy doing? Because are you sure you're even going to enjoy sex work? I mean, because you might have to do things you don't want to do.

[B]

Well, I mean, I don't know. I mean like I would. Only thing I wouldn't be doing. I'm not sticking anything up any hole. Okay.

[A]

They might want you to though.

[B]

I don't. I'm not doing that. Okay, nothing like that. But I'll dress some. I'll dress up like a furry. You know, I might, you know, drink a little curry. Like, you know, whatever. Not that was such a wrong say this thing to say, but whatever.

[A]

Okay, so listen again, you are making 3,000 now, but I highly doubt you're gonna be at this job for long. You lose every job and I mean well, I mean this episode exists so good the luck and then somehow you'll actually be on unemployment again. But this first thing thing I have cash app stuff. I need to look at your cash app. I'm being told oh geez. Money app Clover Grants Float me true finance. Earn and tilt Dave Every pay advance app me. Okay, I need to start seeing them, start pulling them up. Start pulling it up.

[B]

Do you want me to download them or what?

[A]

Well, if they're your apps with balances

[B]

and that's where things are, I'm not paying that back. What do you want me to do?

[A]

If you use every single one, then you're never going to be able to use anything again. You're gonna be so. You're already banned from Venmo.

[B]

So what? Who gives a.

[A]

Well, how are you gon pay people at some point? Are you gonna accept money at some point? How are you gonna do anything?

[B]

I might have to ski max. You know, go to the Black Web, get some.

[A]

You must be obsessed with clavicular, right?

[B]

I. I do like him. He's a good guy.

[A]

Okay. Is he a good guy? I don't know.

[B]

He's a great guy. What are you talking about?

[A]

I think he's entertaining to see.

[B]

I think you could use a little bit bone smashing. I'm not gonna lie.

[A]

Just probably I think I have to get rid of the fat first.

[B]

But why don't you take oic? Why are you taking the go or anything?

[A]

Like shots.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm a little nervous, but you take shots. Me?

[A]

What?

[B]

That was. That was. That was it. That was it. That was it.

[A]

I need to see your balances. You pathetic. More.

[B]

Give me a second. God damn. Have some.

[A]

Maybe on your credit karma, if I can get you to go into credit karma.

[B]

I can see what is that your sponsor?

[A]

No, it's a place where I can see your credit report.

[B]

Oh, God. I've never seen this before in my life.

[A]

Credit karma.

[B]

Credit karma. All right, here we go. You want to feast your eyes and fantasize. Take a look at this credit score.

[A]

You do have a credit card. Oh, my. He's under 500. That's not funny. This is actually really bad. So I don't know what to do if you're not going to. If you don't take anything seriously, like why I wanted to see a followup, or else you honestly would not be allowed to be on the show right now. Exactly. That's why you're here. That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't allow you to be on

[B]

like this the first time. Let me get this little whatever the hell this thing is.

[A]

A microphone first.

[B]

The first time I was here, I did not get a true budget plan set up up this guy.

[A]

You might not today based on your attitude.

[B]

This guy claims to be the. The.

[A]

The.

[B]

The.

[A]

The.

[B]

The bill. The bull. Right? I said that the first time I was on the show. And he didn't do for me, okay? I walked out of here with a slap in my ass saying, get out of here, kid.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

We Sexual assault. Where's hr, by the way?

[A]

Hey, I did not touch.

[B]

Where's that?

[A]

Make very clear. Okay, He. He's being stupid.

[B]

Yeah, he touched me and I was like, no, I subscribe to

[C]

him.

[A]

Thank you. Did not touch. You freak.

[B]

You wish.

[A]

No, I don't want to touch you.

[B]

God. What's that chain for? Maybe you're into the bdsm. Jesus.

[A]

Does it look good?

[B]

It's all right.

[A]

Thank you. What's power pay?

[B]

Oh, God. That's. That's from my ab surgery. That's from like when I like ab surgery. Yeah, so like they freeze my fat and then like it made me get like, whatever. Like that was it.

[A]

Okay. All right. I don't want to lean into the gay allegations. Stand up. Stand up and lift up your shirt.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Let's take a look for the camera. Go back. You paid for that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, that just looks like a normal body. I'll be honest.

[B]

I mean, I'm drinking a lot of surveys.

[A]

Put it down. You put it down.

[B]

Do you want to see?

[A]

Oh, you got nipples. Everyone does. Put them down. Okay. What did you do there? That's a surgery. You took out a multi thousand hour surgery for that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's nothing there there you want to touch. Paid $551.

[B]

What?

[A]

You have paid $550.

[B]

$550. That's not bad. No, I'm.

[A]

I'm actually saying yay. You have paid something.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That's good. That's Good.

[A]

That's a 15.25 interest rate for abs. You can't even see what was the actual surgery. Walk me through it, because that looks like a normal body.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Whatever. So they basically like grab like Mr. Ice Ice Tees Freeze gun from Batman and like they freeze your fat fat. Like. And you're sitting there with immense pain.

[A]

Like, ah.

[B]

And it's. It's done behind of like a sketchy Walgreens, but still.

[A]

Are you fat?

[B]

No. I mean, I just said.

[A]

What was this? Because that just looks normal. You don't look like nothing.

[B]

I don't know. It's just one of those things. I just, I. I love infomercials, you know, So I got scammed.

[A]

And you can't say actually that we didn't help you, buddy. Course Career certification.

[B]

Course careers is a nomination to the goddamn Allegiance to the United States, okay?

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

No, of course career. Who the is going to hire you off a certificate?

[A]

Certifications are great for resume boosters.

[B]

I certify as. How about that?

[A]

We know that you are. No, a lot of people. We have lots of testimonies from people in the audience who have converted them into six figure jobs and raises and advancements in their career. Certifications are great, especially in technology.

[B]

Can I get a, can I get a, can I get a certification to be like the host of this show? Because I think you're not doing it right. Right. I think you're bad at this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What are you doing?

[A]

Thank you for your feedback.

[B]

Your little chapstick over there.

[A]

I get dry lips. So do you. Look at you.

[B]

Honestly, people, we want a real host. I mean, this guy sits there screaming at people like, like, I mean, I want a real host.

[A]

Okay. I barely even screamed at you today.

[B]

God damn. Yeah, yeah. Save, save your lungs for your, your girlfriend. When you get home, you scream at her for God forbid, spending $4 extra on a potato salad or whatever.

[A]

We have money, we can spend it. That's the point.

[B]

Whatever. Okay, let me guess. You're gonna buy some Native American food. What do you guys even eat by your Native American? Like, what do you guys eat?

[A]

Favorite food is sushi. Sushi and McDonald's.

[B]

McDonald's.

[A]

We can't have McDonald's. So. Sushi.

[B]

Yeah, sushi is not bad. Wasabi.

[A]

Okay, so you've actually been making payments on this at a 15.25 percentage, basically as impressive.

[B]

Thank you. That's the first company he's given me, by the way.

[A]

Because you're actually making payments, which for you is a high point, but you're actually making the payment now. It's because you're a little employed now. Not making much, but you are a little employed. You won't be soon, but then your unemployment will be paying for it. Listen, it's only 66 bucks a month. You should be able to make the payments here.

[B]

It's a little difficult, I'm not gonna lie. What?

[A]

Well, yes, when you spend $1200 a month on.

[B]

Yeah, but that's like essential. I mean, like, it's like a life force.

[A]

Why don't you jack off?

[C]

Off?

[B]

I, I, I don't like, run solo. You know what I mean? I mean, I, I get it.

[A]

Sex is more fun than jacking off. Yes. Why don't you jack off instead of paying for it and getting aids?

[B]

I mean, are you trying to help me or some. What the hell is this, guys?

[A]

You specifically just said?

[B]

I don't know, I just, I sometimes, like, I'll take a lot of Aderall and I'll like Jerk myself off and, like, I'll lose so much weight from doing that. And it's. What. I'm not gonna lie.

[A]

Walk me through it, I guess. This is not gay.

[B]

This is goon maxing. Okay, so.

[A]

Oh, my.

[B]

Take. Take a bunch of Adderall.

[C]

Take.

[B]

Okay, Orange. I call them orange candy. Okay, orange. Take a bunch of orange candy. And then when you take it.

[A]

Wait, how much? How many milligrams?

[B]

I take a hundred. I actually am getting my re up today.

[A]

Is that a lot? I've never taken. I'm being told that's a lot. Is that a startling amount? Okay, I'm being told that's a startling amount. Look, look, that's, like, doing.

[B]

But you admitted the people you hired, all them. A lot of your employees seem to. I'm not judging.

[A]

I'm just saying I don't really care.

[B]

So, basically, I mean, I take, like, 100 milligrams Adderall.

[A]

Oh, 10 milligrams, like the normal. No, that's, like, a lot. That's like max. And you take how much?

[B]

A hundred.

[A]

Oh, and then what?

[B]

I mean, I'll sit there, and then I'll just, like, you know, look up some, like, videos or some. Maybe a little two girls, one cup. Who knows? And then, like, I will, like, sit there. I. I won't finish, but I'll turn off the air conditioner so it gets, like, 80 degrees in my apartment. And then I'm like, goon maxing. So I'm not finishing. And I do it for, like, five hours because you're just focused. And then I'll lose, like, 10 pounds of sweat.

[A]

Wait, this is, like, an actual workout. This is a weight loss thing.

[B]

This is. This is. I think you should try it.

[A]

Wait, this is. No, no, no. You're being serious.

[B]

I'm being 100 hours jerking off. This is why I came up with the idea of doing only even with a loop.

[A]

How's it not just running raw?

[B]

I mean, dude, it's, like, easy. I just. I mean, just don't go too hard, you know, like 100 milligrams of Adderall.

[A]

How's your heart? Not, like, broken at that point.

[B]

Dude, I got. I got a heart of steel, baby.

[A]

Can we get our blood pressure monitor for this, man? I kind of want to see it. Let's check that real quick.

[B]

I'm actually getting my Adderall today. I get it every day. Every.

[A]

And you go through it too soon.

[B]

Oh, dude, I take, like. That's the thing about it. I only take. I have a 30 day prescription. But I take all of it in 10 days. So I have a 20 day break. So I'm good.

[A]

And what's your milligram prescription fit?

[B]

Two 15 milligrams a day.

[A]

So 30 milligrams a day, that's already crazy, isn't it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, dude.

[B]

My doctor.

[A]

But you. But you triple it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I mean I take a bunch, but then you got the 20 day relaxation or you like, you come off it. Yeah, I think that's the German side of me.

[A]

If you.

[B]

If you know right now. No, no, I'm taking it after. After this.

[A]

You without it.

[B]

So if you call me, I'm going

[A]

be literally jerk the peanuts.

[B]

Jerk the peanuts?

[A]

Yeah, just for three hours.

[B]

Dude. It's insane.

[A]

Five hours. What the. And you lose weight.

[B]

We can actually do it. We should do like a video on it. I don't know. It's an. Dude. If you guys. You guys know for a fact if you take that arm out, if you take Adderall, like, it just makes you want to like goon. Right, Right. And so like that's what happens.

[A]

Well, people. People on like crazy, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, that's not surprising. But I don't like that it's a weight loss thing and I am concerned for your health. Like, actually listen, I hate you and our society should probably not tolerate you, but no, don't move that arm.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But like, I am concerned for your health. Let's check your blood pressure.

[B]

My blood pressure. Let's check your blood pressure.

[A]

Hold still. What does it say, Rico?

[B]

Just error.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, I think it has to be a little down and then you need to be loose.

[B]

You need.

[A]

I need your arm to just be loose. Reek. Little reek. Yeah, I think that's right.

[B]

That's your.

[A]

And then I just need your arm to be.

[B]

Why they call an aura ring if it gives you no aura.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

Manhandle you a little bit. You're good. I'm already getting manhandled by this guy. Guy.

[A]

It wants him to see it selling him debt, which it shouldn't in his position. We have great personal loans@caleb hammer.com for people.

[B]

You guys got personal loans for people

[A]

that can use it? Not for you, not for you. For people like me who are good with debt.

[B]

Talk about a hypocrite.

[A]

It's not a hypocrite. I've always been pro good debt. I'm pro credit cards. I'm pro good debt. I'm pro consolidation. I'm pro bank.

[B]

I'm also Pro. Relax. Oh my God. That's funny. It's an error.

[A]

Cause you're moving. Stop. Rico.

[B]

Oh my goodness.

[C]

This is.

[B]

Hold.

[A]

Stop.

[C]

You're gonna meditate.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

Just breathe in, breathe out. I don't want you to talk. 128 over 86.

[A]

Okay? You're. You're fine.

[B]

Look at that. That's probably the most health care I got.

[A]

Your body's healthy. Just. I'm concerned with you and the amount of medications you're taking. And I will say this for what it's worth worth. He is applying for jobs. He's getting email notifications about the jobs now in the email notifications that I went through while he was taking his blood pressure, he was getting denied for dogs jobs including being a professional dog handler. He is. He's being denied every job. The most basic jobs you can imagine he is being denied for.

[B]

Okay, so try.

[A]

Let's see. I. I need to collect your other ones as well on here from your credit. Ladies and gentlemen, I got something new to help you that we have personally built right here on caleb hammer.com we have three new Caleb Hammer financial resources. They are the ones I would personally use, which is why we made them for you to use. As you've already heard me talk about, personal loans are okay when you're good at debt. I personally use them when I can leverage them for a situation. So we have good personal loans on calebhammer.com we also have have auto insurance. Now you can check for free and see if you can save a shit ton of money on auto insurance. And then to close it off for now because we're building more. We have a debt relief program. You've seen how hard it is for people to get out of debt on this show. This makes it so much easier, but only if you're actually ready to change. Remember, none of this actually matters if you continue the same bad behavior. So it's not for you if you still suck. But if you've proved you can budget, check out these three programs from personal loans to debt relief to car insurance to see if you can save a ton of money money across the board. Go to Caleb hammer.com or the Caleb Hammer Financial resources part of the pinned comment or description below. Starbucks is bull and a waste of money. And you already know that by making your coffee at home and investing the rest. So now you need to do that with your energy drink as well. Make gamer subs at home for just 40 cents a serving. And honestly, it literally tastes better. And we proved this accidentally via a Blind taste test in our Hammer Elite show Fat and Fatter. The number one ranked energy drink is game.

[B]

Literally. The cherry flavor is insane.

[A]

Listen. You can also get free samples to see if you like it. Or 10 off your order at gamersupps gg or click that link in the description below. Type in code. Caleb. So when's the last time you.

[B]

Two weeks ago.

[A]

How much did that cost?

[B]

200. 200.

[A]

And you.

[B]

Yeah. So she let me. Her. So basically, if I'm.

[A]

If someone offers me $200 to. I know they have AIDS. I mean, like, there's no way that person's.

[B]

Didn't you, like, buy your girlfriend, like, a $10,000 Chanel bag for Christmas?

[A]

It was like her dream. She's always wanted the bag. And I was like, I got money.

[B]

You say, I'm a scallywag. I pay for these girls too. You pay for your girlfriend? I mean, like, it goes both directions.

[A]

My girlfriend, I was giving her a gift. The thing is, you're paying for sex, but you went raw, Rico.

[B]

That's not good. I did not know that at some

[A]

point you didn't know you were raw.

[B]

Well, because, like, I was supposed to just get like a hand job. And then, like, she was like, I really? You. And so I started making out with her, and then she's like, put it in me. And so I'm like, okay, I'll do you a favor. Okay?

[A]

Like, favor?

[B]

Yeah. Happy birthday. Right. And then I didn't realize at the time, like, I didn't have a condom on. And I was like, how do you

[A]

not know that, buddy?

[B]

I'm in the moment, okay? I'm in the moment.

[A]

Okay. So I have loan express. What's this?

[B]

Oh, geez. That was like a payday loan. That's a local bank.

[A]

It was only 2% interest. But you just took it out. Yeah, 22 days ago. What did you take out? $398 is for not a huge interest, but it's money.

[B]

I forgot. I actually think I might have. No, you.

[A]

You. What?

[B]

No.

[A]

Say it again. You think you may have what? You took out a personal loan to. Oh, my.

[B]

Dude, it's. It's good. It's good for your health. It's like spirituality. Yeah, sex is good.

[A]

Maybe you shouldn't pay for it.

[B]

You need it, bro. You.

[A]

Yeah, sex is good.

[B]

It is.

[A]

I'm not anti sex.

[B]

You are anti sex.

[A]

I'm a gooner. Not for five hours.

[B]

I am a. I'm a great gooner. This is why I don't actually Go.

[A]

This is what we use as a word. But it's $80 a month. You borrowed this to go.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

You are pathetic, dude.

[B]

They sent me. You're pathetic because you know got me. You got. You got personal loans. Like, oh, my God, talk about rage bait.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

I'm going to. I got you. Hammer. It's time to. It's time to drop the mc, okay? Because I got you right where I want you. Okay? Have you ever heard the hit. Heard the term the nail hits the coffin happen? Well, guess what? You offer personal loans on your website, but your finance base always been pro.

[A]

That.

[B]

What the is that are you talking about?

[A]

I've always been pro, dude.

[B]

Like, okay, this is like, how much of a stupid idiot you are. Like, I want to hurt you. Like, I'm being 100 serious. Like, please don't. I want to slap you and get your ass back to Cherokee land. God damn.

[A]

Okay, I don't really take offense to anything, but I'll tell you what I'm doing right now. I'm ordering myself a lunch wrap for after filming because I can afford to afford it. You can't because you're poor and you don't budget your money.

[B]

Maybe if you go. Maybe if you go on download favor. That's like the HDB delivery app. You get it too, for one thing. Just like how I did last.

[A]

Dude, you're getting denied from every job that you're applying for. Yeah, well, your current employees even know you're applying for jobs. You're pathetic. You suck. Shut the up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

398 oh9. That's what you borrowed for a pro because you're a freak. That is crazy.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

Sick. Good response. Affirm.

[B]

I actually paid for that iPhone using

[A]

that, so this iPhone.

[B]

I stopped paying it, by the way.

[A]

Really? Why?

[B]

Well, because, like, I don't have any

[A]

money marked as that.

[B]

That's the problem. I don't make money.

[A]

Oh, so you must have just stopped paying because the most recent month is good. Yeah, but that was not the most recent month that's reported on here, so it's. No, it's. Not.

[B]

It's in collections.

[A]

I got no current as of April. That's impossible. It's not in collections.

[B]

No, they.

[A]

They probably have a different thing in collections. Or it's internal collections, maybe because you haven't paid for it yet.

[B]

Well, I'm just going to declare bankruptcy. Honestly, that's like, my real plan. I'm not going to lie if I declare.

[A]

Bankruptcy's bad, though, for you.

[B]

Because you haven't changed your credit's already to me.

[A]

Cuz you haven't. I don't care about your credit because you haven't changed your behavior that got you here in the first place. So you're going to be back here again. That's like you should not use the personal loans because you would then end up with double the debt. It is for people. Bankruptcy is totally good, valid there for a reason. If you change your behavior, what makes

[B]

you qualified to talk about?

[A]

I've done it myself.

[B]

You have done it yourself.

[A]

Yes. I started this because I did this very same path myself. I believe you like you just very good. I need your approval.

[B]

You're like I want to be the millennial Dave Ramsey blue.

[A]

I decided to upload. Yes. That is how YouTube channels start.

[B]

Like you know what? You know what's funny too? It's like you got your personal loans. Why you do that, buddy?

[A]

I've already explained it.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

You're just falling back on the same thing. You need to start making the payment on this immediately or it'll go to real collections. And this is why you can actually avoid bankruptcy. Because you don't need it yet, buddy. We're not even up to 3,000. We're not even up to $4,000 of debt. You owe $898 on here.

[B]

$98. Whatever Six gives a dude, this is. I can just stop paying because I don't have any money.

[A]

But it's the minimum payment so far, buddy. And you do. You are applying for jobs and you'll start your own. But your minimum payment so far are $210. You can do that.

[B]

Can you subscribe?

[A]

Can I? Yeah, I can. But I won't.

[B]

You can, but you won't. It sounds like a maybe to me. Isn't that right?

[A]

I'm not doing it.

[B]

These you too. Oh my God. It's called him a jack in the box.

[A]

That's why Brandon. Yeah, you'll talk to him in the post.

[B]

What's his name? Brandon. You can't even get your employees names right.

[A]

What?

[B]

Brendan.

[A]

Okay, there's a lot of collections but is it even worth going through know? I don't know. Yeah, including like cars, of course.

[B]

God, I still owe my parents by the way.

[A]

Oh, I'm sure you do. But we have an Amazon Chase card now this is an actual balance that will be difficult for you. Now you made a minimum depayment. You made it. Now it's maxed out. That's why you can't spend. So you didn't. But the moment you do, you will.

[B]

Wait, what was the question?

[A]

No question. What's going on with this card, though?

[B]

Oh, the. The. Oh, they call it the credit card or whatever. I mean, I stopped paying that. So, like, I was.

[A]

No, you just made the minimum payment. Don't stop paying for it. It'll go to collections. I don't want you to stop paying it. Don't. You can catch up so easy. Just make the $40 payment. You're good. Please do not not pay.

[B]

Yo, can we get, like. I feel like we need, like, I was thinking about this yesterday. I was like, thinking, like, we need to get like a cut scene of like, it's Hammer time. And then we get like the entire, like, Caleb Hammer cast. And like, you guys are dressed up like.

[A]

So why is credit card all the way up there to the max?

[B]

Well, basically, I mean, I just needed to pay for. I mean, honestly, I'm not going to lie.

[A]

It can't all be for. You have to spend money on other things.

[B]

Well, food. I know you go out to eat idea. Oh, I know your worst. Your worst thing. I mean, I forgot what I spent it on. Amazon looks. Max and shit. I mean, I look better than I did last time, right?

[A]

I'm being told you don't like the. In Austin. So I know you spend money on.

[B]

Actually made a joke about that. I did. Stand up. You want to hear a standup routine?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, let's do it. Okay. So my parents found out. I. They were so upset at me. They were like, how can you do this to us, Rico? You're our little sunshine. And my brother looks at me, he's like, you're a disdain to this family. And I looked back at him. I was like, aren't you gay? So, yeah, that. That's my little standup routine.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then, yeah, this isn't Gil Tony,

[A]

but I. I don't think I would be.

[B]

Dude, I'm trying to get on Kill Tony, you know, Little mozzarella. No, I was. I signed up for Kill Tony like a month ago, and I. I was

[A]

hanging out more times.

[B]

Little Mozzarella umbrella. Little moves.

[A]

You're saying things. I don't know these things.

[B]

I. I thought you were like a millennial.

[A]

I'm sorry here.

[B]

But yeah, I like to hear your hands clap. Isn't that you guys a song?

[A]

Very good. So you want to get on that. And I wouldn't tell that joke.

[B]

No.

[A]

As someone who watches the show here and there, I wouldn't do that joke.

[B]

See, this is.

[A]

I'm not a comedian, so I can't judge it.

[B]

This is.

[A]

What's the problem with the left?

[B]

They don't like you to make fun of other people. Right. I think this is the problem. Problem is that they. They stop. They stop us from speaking our minds. Isn't that right? Thank you.

[A]

Not on the left. I'm not on the right, buddy.

[B]

What do you want? Like the middle?

[A]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

No, I mean, I take left wing and right wing positions.

[B]

What's like your most left wing view?

[A]

Most left wing feel, obviously. I don't care about trans or gay people. I don't care about that.

[B]

That's not even a view. That's like a.

[A]

It is. Many right wing people don't like it. I'm. I like the anti discrimination laws. I think those are important. Let's see.

[B]

Yeah, I think your employees, like.

[A]

Actually, yimbyism is pretty left wing, so I'm good with that.

[B]

What's like your. What's your favorite conspiracy? I want to hear conspiracy.

[A]

That's the thing is, I'm not into conspiracy.

[B]

You're not into conspiracy?

[A]

This isn't an interview of me.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I want to hear a conspiracy. What's your favorite conspiracy?

[A]

Public transportation. Big into public transportation.

[B]

Public transportation.

[A]

Stuff like that. But then I'm right wing on it, I guess, because I want to enforce laws and fairs in order to make antisocial behavior. Not. Not on it. Okay.

[B]

So what got you to get that disagreement?

[A]

How much you spend on.

[B]

I probably spend like 300 bucks a month.

[A]

What the.

[B]

I got a guy. I got a guy.

[A]

What is it? I've never bought what happens. Where do you meet this guy?

[B]

It's like, actually not too far from here. So I meet him at a sketchy little apartment. He drives like a shitty Harley Davidson. And I get there, I'll be like, yo, I need like. Like, you know, give me like 60 bucks worth. He's like, sure. And I get in his place, place and like, it smells like absolute. Like the most dingy place I've been in my life. But then you'll like scoop it up, put in the bag. And then, like, I'll test it out and like, I'll just.

[A]

You don't test it first?

[B]

No, I test it out.

[A]

No, no, no. Test it for.

[B]

That's the good. LARPing has helped me focus my autism and my asperger syndrome.

[A]

You're going to end up dead, man. I'm concerned for you.

[B]

Actually. I watched a video yesterday before I came here. Apparently the army. Army, like, has lollipops, so they used to give, like, World War II soldiers.

[A]

Like, I don't care. No, no, of course I'm talking about you. You spent. How much is 300?

[B]

Probably like 3 grams. I don't know.

[A]

Huh. Is that. Is that a lot? Is that 3 grams a lot? Okay. How frequently do you go through that? We confirms he did not do drugs before coming on the show. It's very important to us.

[B]

We at least do, like, three. I could probably do this. Do, like, a gram. Well, it's, like, shitty, so I could do all that. Honestly, I could do all that.

[A]

Like, get a better dealer.

[B]

Do you have one?

[A]

No.

[B]

No, I don't do drugs.

[A]

I'm scared.

[B]

You're scared to do drugs?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, let's go to Coachella. I'll show you.

[A]

Not you. I would never be near you. No, I do not need those allegations.

[B]

Dude, I feel like you could, like, use the triple.

[A]

More allegations. No, I don't think so.

[B]

You could use. You could use a little bit of mushrooms right now. I'm not going to lie.

[A]

Okay. I'm sure. I mean, that's the thing. If I did, I would. I'd be amazing at my job. Job. It would be incredible. I'd be so locked in, and I would love it. And that's the bad thing? That's the bad thing.

[B]

I doubt it. I doubt it. I think you're hiding something from us.

[A]

Sex or sex?

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

I was going to say HR call someone. Caffeine and sex. Caffeine and sex. Okay, Delta Sky Miles gold card. What's going on with this?

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Again, you are current.

[B]

No, these. These mofos. Like, oh, God, they were going to sue me once. So when I did the first show here, unfortunately, I ended up getting a call from this lady. She's like, I'm with the American Express Iris. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, we will sue you if you do not pay us. And I'm like, I don't got any money. And so I had to pay $500

[A]

a month to catch up. Yeah, that makes sense.

[B]

That's insane.

[A]

Yeah. Your viewers are return payment fee. Do you know why? You know what that means?

[B]

I didn't have any money.

[A]

Exactly. You don't have any money in your checking account, so bounced, essentially.

[B]

Actually, like, I thought you did end

[A]

up making a payment in the end, but you did have that fee.

[B]

You should get, like, a cross inside your head. Like, a little, like, I don't know.

[A]

Okay. Be in the conversation. You can pay off this debt?

[B]

I'll try to, but like, I don't.

[A]

I hope so. You're not that far from it, dude.

[B]

But this is so boring though. It's like I just want to buy.

[A]

Finances are boring. It is true. Bum maxing isn't. That sounds boring to me though? Because I want to.

[B]

What's to make your little native American spinach over rice even claim the native part of it?

[A]

You don't.

[B]

Why not? You could get benefits from that. And that's above.

[A]

Because we didn't approve tribut. Because my grandpa, who was like 100 native as a drunk alcoholic bum who left when my mom was like two.

[B]

A lot. A lot of them.

[A]

So we don't know. Yes, a lot of natives are very alcoholic bummy. Yeah, like yourself.

[B]

You. I'm not native, I'm Mexican.

[A]

That wasn't the point.

[B]

I was so he's saying Mexicans are just terrible alcoholics. You hear that yet?

[A]

Okay, well, you have a Blue Cash Everyday card as well. What's going on with this?

[B]

Basically. So, like that card too? I mean, that was like. I don't even know. I just basically started paying that off. It's like 21amonth.

[A]

21 bucks. See, you know, so there are some things you don't. Listen, stop. I don't know if you're trying to be silly or what. Just stop. You can pay this off. You have the. Your debt is stacking up now. What are we looking at? Like 7,000 bucks? That is payable.

[C]

You.

[A]

Bankruptcy is not necessary for 7,000. Okay, buddy? There is a chance here, here for a better life. And we can get you down to San Diego. Not La Hoya, but down to San Diego.

[B]

Actually, can you come to San Diego with me?

[A]

With you? No.

[B]

Please, Please, please come. Let's go to San Diego. I want to go up the beach, bro. I loved it over there.

[A]

That's great. Go. I'm not going with you.

[B]

Dude, I'm like telling you, like your little New York City thing, everyone knew that was charging.

[A]

Charging.

[B]

Where you going to? What's your plan? Caleb, let's talk about you now. Okay, enough about me.

[A]

No, actually, just enough about you. You even more.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

See, so you have the interest being accrued, you're making your payments. It's at a low 6% interest rate. And I'm glad you're not purchasing now. I know there's a purchasing account here now. One medical. What's happening with one medical? $400. Oh, from a friend. No, A friend punched you? Wait, what? Oh, and then you crashed. Oh, you crashed out and fell on. Fell asleep in the woods and got poison.

[C]

I.

[A]

What the.

[B]

No, this. He's a piece of shit. So, like, he got mad at me. Like, me and him were doing, like. And, like, I'm not sure what I said to him, but, like, he started punching me in the face. Like, I got a little mark in my tooth here. Thank God Rico knows how to fight. So, like, I end up pinning him down and actually hold him. I actually know Jiu Jitsu, by the way, if you guys didn't know that. I actually know Jiu Jitsu, So I ended up pinging him. I was like, what the you doing, Holmes? Like, get out of here. So he started doing that, and he kept trying to punch me in the face. So, like, I just ended up leaving, right? And then I went to the woods, like, to recollect myself or whatever. And then, like, I got a bunch of poison IP on me. And that was the funny part because, like, that did more damage than the tooth thing over here.

[A]

What happened? He had to go to the hospital.

[B]

No, I didn't go. No.

[A]

Well, why do you. No, no, you owed to modern medical?

[B]

No, but my, my mom, my mom was like, mijo, you should go to the hospital. Look, look at your leg.

[A]

Leg.

[B]

And I was like. So, like, I, I end up having to, like, you know, find a doctor. But, like, this country's so, like, the only way I could think of finding a doctor without having to spend $2,000 on an ambulance ride is to go. No, I mean south.

[A]

Oh, you had poison ivy. You, you weren't shocked?

[B]

I, I, I, I. It felt like I was shot. Caleb, emotionally.

[A]

No, it doesn't look good.

[B]

The emotionally, I was up, Caleb.

[A]

Okay, okay, so what did you do?

[B]

I, I want. I got prescribed prednisone, and apparently that's just a stimulant, if you guys didn't know.

[A]

So that got steroid, right?

[B]

Yeah, it's a steroid, but it gets you, like, wired. So, like, I felt like I was on Adderall. And then if you remember what I did on Adderall.

[C]

Hey, I just Venmoed you for rent. Nice.

[A]

Now I can instantly spend it, whether

[B]

I'm checking out online with Venmo or

[A]

using the Venmo debit card.

[C]

Say more.

[A]

More.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Because the more you do with Venmo, the more you get, like, earning up

[B]

to 5% cash back with Venmo stash

[A]

on a bundle of brands. So order more pizza. The Math demands it.

[C]

Get the Venmo debit card.

[A]

Venmo stash bundle. Terms and exclusions apply. See terms at Venmo Me Stashterm.

[B]

Venmo checkout not available at all merchants.

[A]

Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank.

[C]

Na.

[A]

So what happened anyways?

[B]

No, that was it. I just got, like, prescribed or whatever. And then, you know, I. I didn't stop talking to him. I was like, yeah, I don't want to talk that now.

[A]

Speaking of you being shot and speaking of your gay neighbor, why did your neighbor pull a gun on you?

[B]

Oh, God, no. So, like, he thought I was, like, talking to this girl and, like, to quote, Chud the builder, like, no offense, but, like, they were kind of chimping out on me a little bit. So I'm not going to lie. Like, this guy. I was, like, talking to this girl at, like, 2am I was like, hey, can I hit your vape? She's like, sure, sure.

[A]

Pause. You know him. You love him. Tyler.

[B]

Back again, back again.

[A]

How are we doing this time? All right, so go ahead. Start the story from the top.

[B]

So this guy was kind of chipping out at me. I'm not gonna lie. So basically, I was talking to this dude, and, like, you get it, right? So this guy. A little more caramel skin, to be honest with you, but I was talking to this girl, and I was, like, hitting vape at my apartment, and she's like, sure. And I'm, like, being sweet. Like, she's Latina. Like, I. It's my type, right? But then she's, like, warning me about her boyfriend, and I'm like, why does she keep telling me about her boyfriend? I asked her, does he beat you? And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, okay. Out of nowhere, this guy is like, who you talking to? And I'm like, what the.

[A]

Make monkey noises. Do it again. You know, my cape.

[B]

That was. It's close to the Native American sound, but basically, I mean, I was like, what the. So, like, I'm. I'm calm, cool, and collected, right? Unlike this guy. Anyway, so I'm talking to him. He's like, do you get my girl's number? And I was like, no. He's like, give me your phone. And I was like, okay. And so I'm showing him my phone. I'm sitting there. I can't her vape. And she's like, whoa, whoa. And, like, the girl keeps screaming at me and him. Her boyfriend. And I looked at her, and this is what got Me up. I was like, can you please be quiet? Quiet. I was like, 1950s husband, like, can you please be quiet? And like, this guy. Oh, hell no. And so he's like. Pulls. The guy's like, you better get out of here, bro. And so he pulls a gun at me. And so I started running away. I hop a fence. I was like, I'm already drunk. I was drunk. And I was like, oh. So I'm like, this is not a joke. So I'm running and I hopped the fence like a good Mexican. And I look back and this guy like, you better run out of here. I'm not sure I can say the N word, but you've been running out of. And so, like, I'm like, jesus Christ. I'm. I'm quoting.

[A]

If I can say it, let me say it.

[B]

I'm quoting. I'm quoting here. Okay, well.

[A]

And you said he was chimping out?

[B]

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

[A]

Honestly, like, buddy, you're saying you're. That and the N word not looking good.

[B]

Look, he called me it. I didn't call him it. But I mean, I'm just saying. But I jumped over the fence and then I looked back over. He's just like, you better run out of here. And so, like, I start running again. I'm like, jesus Christ. And so I call the Austin pd. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. They took like. They all respect Austin pd, but Jesus Christ, like, let's get the, you know, let's get some. Some. Some situationship here, okay? And so as soon as I leave and I. He. Cops pick me up. Like, they're like, okay, like, we're gonna try to find him. They escort me back to my apartment. They find this guy an hour later at like 4:00am and this dude's in handcuffs, cuffs. He has like this death look on him with a hood.

[A]

It's like.

[B]

And I'm like, bro, I'm like, that's him.

[A]

That's him. He's going to kill him when he gets out, bro.

[B]

They even sent me a letter. They're like, hey, like, fill out this information. We'll let you know when he's back out. So, like, I mean, oh, Rico's dude, we.

[C]

We.

[A]

We. Skipping past the part he asked for permission and then said anyway, yeah, that was bad. We talk about that?

[B]

You could say that. I mean, I don't know.

[A]

You could say that.

[B]

You could could say.

[A]

I mean, what the.

[B]

As long as you don't.

[A]

What is up with these? Getting comfortable saying it around me. What is happening we did not have a streak. What is going on?

[B]

That's Gen Z. I mean, is it. It is. I mean, your guys's generation, the millennials,

[A]

here for one year. Damn, I'm a Zal.

[B]

You. I want to be. But anyways, you could say. As long as you're not, like, calling somebody, like.

[A]

Is that true, Tyler?

[C]

No.

[A]

You know, okay. I wanted to. I mean, you can say to come for your home. You know what I'm saying? You can say that all you want.

[B]

Well, this is my.

[A]

I will be honest. I had a racist thought the other day. Just a racist thought, not action. What's the thought? Rented a nice hotel for my grandparents, my brother, my parents. They all had their own rooms. It was great. It was wonderful. Wanted to go back to the hotel. One to the pool one day. And we couldn't really use it because they. There was a group of black people. They were. They were. The two. They separated a little. And they each had their own boombox, let's say, and playing different kinds of music. And we tried to get in the pool. And both groups were shouting at each other in very fun ways and friendly ways, but very loudly. Yeah. And we couldn't hear each other. And their kids were splashing us. And it was. It was the first time I felt racist in a bit.

[B]

Well, what was the thought?

[A]

Would you. What'd you think? I was thinking I didn't like these people because they were annoying the pool. Like, what the. We just wanted to enjoy. Like, I rarely get to see my family. We wanted to enjoy it. And they were literally like, did they own the place? Like, why?

[B]

They don't know.

[A]

But they were accidentally. They owned the place. Like, no one else was able to exist.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

They were taking up 5% of the place.

[B]

I wouldn't recommend Carmel Crew Carver, Carmen Cruise Lines to us if, you know.

[A]

You know, they were taking up 27% of the space, but make it up 80% of the noise.

[B]

Dude, that's hilarious.

[A]

That's whatever the number is. I don't remember it. Because I'm not racist.

[B]

Is it crazy? You're probably. You're probably like, the only other, like, black guy here. I haven't seen anybody else right now.

[C]

There's three of us.

[B]

Yeah, three. Yeah. I'm not the only one anymore.

[A]

Decent race you. I'm. The gays are dropping like flies. But yeah. Yeah, man. Okay. So you owe your parents dollars.

[B]

Unfortunately, I do.

[A]

Why is that?

[B]

Because the car or whatever. But I'm not paying them back. I'm not car back. The Mazda. The Mazda 2. I call it the Batmobile.

[A]

Do you have it?

[B]

I do.

[A]

Do you run over black people with it?

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

Just make sure he's not racist. This is good. I got you. I'm on your side. Chipping out, bro. Exactly.

[B]

They were, bro. Honestly, it's like they. They kind of do sometimes. I'm not going to lie.

[A]

Who's they kind of do. Who is they?

[B]

They do, bro. Dude, like, I mean, who the Is they?

[C]

Explain.

[A]

Who is they?

[B]

The black people. They go out sometimes. They just act too much. You know what I mean? Or it's like, bro, like, kind of like. You know what I mean? I ain't going to lie.

[A]

There are some ghetto ass out there. Yes. Ghetto people talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. And I don't know. I. I want to use another word then ghetto. But I'll call them ghetto Mexican types.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Like, I. I did a video ranking Mexicans, by the way. You should check it out.

[A]

Okay, Rico, no one gives a. I hate anyone that is trashy.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Regardless of the. I could agree with that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyone that is trashy. That's fair. But I would not. I don't. It's just, you know, saying the N word in front of a black guy, that's a little crazy, at least soft. At least it wasn't a hard R.

[B]

Like, it's called confidence.

[A]

You have a debt collector for $91. For a Miami Airbnb. $91. Just pay it. Just pay 91. Rico, don't your.

[B]

I want.

[A]

Don't get a hand job one day. $40 you owe to a bar.

[B]

A bar.

[A]

I burn it. Woke up drunk at a bar on the grass and you owe him 80 bucks. 40 bucks.

[B]

I like doing that way too much. I like. I just like, go homeless maxing when I get blacked out drunk.

[A]

It's kind of fun being a loser. Dude, dude, this is. This is.

[B]

This is like.

[A]

Are you really real? This is real. This is.

[B]

This is real. My. You know what I mean?

[A]

Okay. I don't like that. I don't like that. Not allowing that. Do not say that to Tyler. I don't like that. So we are ending this and we're going to go into the post show because I'm not going to allow that kind of. What the.

[B]

Hey, give me some love.

[A]

I have to film with an extra 20 minutes for him, but I don't know. I should go through the audience. You won't like it if I. I just I don't think. I do not like you. Don't say that to me. The black don't say that to my friend.

[B]

Let's keep going.

[A]

I don't say it.

[B]

I won't say it. I just. Common courage Chicken account you ended with.

[A]

I mean, you started with $18. This is pathetic. It's all raising canes. Bullshit, bullshit. Going inside, getting some bullshit farmers market bullshit. Genie member Terry P. Terry's Burgers, Peter's Burgers, Chipotle Patrol, Petrol. Ended his savings with negative $411. Go yourself. You're not budgeting. And honestly, I hope when you might

[B]

want to wear this around Caleb. Just so you blend in.

[C]

Gosh.

[B]

Oh, I'm so funny. Okay, okay. What are you gonna say?

[A]

I hope when the black man gets out of prison he shoots your ass. Go to the, you know, post show. Join Hammerly. Three shows a day, premium shows every single day, six days a week. I'm gonna go through his fun phone. I saw some concerning shit in his Instagram DMs and I'm about to go through that. I can't wait. It's gonna be incredible. Apologize to this man right now.

[B]

I'm sorry for not using the hard okay.

[A]

You are a piece of shit. I'll see you in the post show. What a piece of. Why are you screenshotting so many conversations with people? Are they the people that have accused you?

[B]

Maybe care out and doesn't know what's going on.

[A]

This is just the message he's sending to everyone. Sex, question mark. Sex, question mark. Is this not a creepy bro?

[B]

Not really.

[A]

His entire X feud is Andrew Tate and clavicular and.

[B]

Oh, jeez, Unemployed scammer. Being called A is a compliment. This.

[A]

I just launched the brand new Hammer Elite apple. Available on every major platform. So you can watch every show anywhere you want. You'll get three exclusive dedicated shows every single day, Monday through Saturday. Refer a friend after you sign up and you get an additional 30 days of hammer Elite access for free. Download the Hammer Elite app by using the link in the description or pin comment down below. This is the best membership you'll ever join and that's a promise.