Financial Audit: "Financial Audit's First Affair"

Podcast: Financial Audit
Host: Caleb Hammer
Guests: Alyssa (20), Ethan (21)
Release Date: February 2, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of Financial Audit dives into the finances—and the underlying relationship and trust issues—of a young couple, Alyssa and Ethan, from Fort Worth, Texas. Host Caleb Hammer leads a raw, penetrating, and sometimes sharply humorous examination into the couple's spending habits, income, debt, and communication, quickly uncovering a broader story about codependency, lack of financial awareness, and mounting emotional tension. What begins as a financial intervention rapidly exposes the cracks in Alyssa and Ethan’s partnership, as well as problems unique to their household—like raising Ethan’s teenage brothers, reckless spending, misaligned goals, and secret OnlyFans subscriptions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Background & Introductions (00:50–03:00)

• Alyssa works 40 hours a week in retail ($18.50/hr) and 20–25 hours as a barista ($10/hr + tips), netting about $3,400/mo.
• Ethan works 32 hours/week in a retail warehouse ($16/hr), netting around $1,800/mo, with some variation.
• Combined income is ~$5,200/mo, which Caleb notes is "pretty powerful" for their age.

Household & Relationship Dynamics (03:00–08:20)

• Alyssa feels she is "raising a man child" and carrying the adult responsibilities.
  • Alyssa: “I know when my bills are. I know what all I owe...and I have to remind him.” (08:20)
• Ethan admits Alyssa is better at money management and budgeting, but finds her controlling.
• The couple does not share bank accounts and frequently miscommunicate about finances and even each other's schedules.
• Caleb exposes their divergent mindsets—Alyssa is future- and position-oriented, Ethan is present-focused.

Bills, Budgeting, and Broken Communication (08:20–15:00)

• Alyssa is frustrated at having to monitor Ethan’s bill payments (Amazon card, etc.) and consider consolidating accounts just to keep things afloat.
• Ethan is vague on payment timelines and balances, confirming Alyssa’s suspicions he’s not proactive—even admitting, “I don’t really care about looking at the number…” (16:01)
• Alyssa suspects Ethan’s financial flakiness stems from a privileged upbringing; Ethan says his dad restricted his spending but continues to pay for some expenses.

Enabling, Blame, and Mutual Sabotage (19:26–23:45)

• Caleb calls out both for throwing each other under the bus—Ethan labels Alyssa “enabling,” Alyssa calls Ethan an “instigator,” but both admit to excessive discretionary spending.
• Their actual spending undermines their perceived financial improvement:
  • “You guys are both the villain. You’re spending 70% of your household income on you. Bullshit.” (28:45)

Catastrophic Overspending & The Real Numbers (21:19–30:45)

• Actual monthly spend:
  • Going out to eat: $946.87
  • Miscellaneous/untracked: $2,659.43
  • Total known discretionary spending: $3,606.30
• Outflow last month: $6,411.17—$1,200 more than they earn.
• Neither Alyssa nor Ethan can accurately estimate their own spending:
  • “You guys can’t guess shit to save your lives.” (30:38)

Raising Ethan’s Brothers & Added Pressure (37:03–40:18)

• Alyssa and Ethan are caretakers for Ethan’s two teenage brothers (13 and 14), whose parents are absent.
• The boys’ biological father lives in a motel, and the arrangement lacks long-term stability.
• Caleb warns: “You guys are in a scary situation and you’re going further into debt. You spend more than you make, and 70% of it’s on bullshit. So I don’t want to hear that. So what they need is security. Do you have a fully funded emergency fund?” (41:18)

Debt, Payments, and Excuses (42:45–54:10)

• Multiple credit cards (Discover, Capital One, Best Buy, Amazon, Klarna, Affirm) all carry balances, many accrue interest, some have late payments or fees.
• Alyssa repeatedly claims to “never spend” on her credit cards—but then gets caught in the act:
  • “You said you don’t spend on the credit card. Well, she did, and she doesn’t know what it’s for. How could she possibly say those things?” (43:10)
• Caleb: “Liar. Liar. Dude, I literally have the charges right here. And this is your most recent month, so I don’t want to hear it. What the f are you talking about?” (47:45)
• Most purchases, even large ones like concerts, trips, and groceries, are lumped onto credit cards.
• Minimum payments alone will stretch their repayment timelines to 12–13 years, if they stop new spending—unlikely, given the pattern.
• Multiple “buy now, pay later” arrangements (Affirm, Klarna) indicate short-term thinking.

Sex, Intimacy & Emotional Drift (73:54–78:14)

• Alyssa feels rejected sexually; Ethan rarely wants intimacy and she internalizes it as unattractiveness.
  • Alyssa: “Do you not think I’m attractive? Do you think I’m fat? Do you think I’m ugly?” (22:22 and again at 74:23)
• Ethan: “Not in the mood…in past relationships, that has been the main focus. That’s the last thing I think about.”
• Caleb provides sex-positive advice and suggests exploring other forms of intimacy, but points to financial and emotional stress as the probable reason for reduced sex drive.

Reveal: OnlyFans and Secret Spending (86:05–94:58)

• Alyssa discovers Ethan has (contrary to his word) been “subscribing a ton” to OnlyFans and similar fan sites, even while declining intimacy at home.
• Caleb exposes: “He is gooning a lot. And I think what we have here more than anything is a relationship issue that needs to be worked on in therapy before we think about the finances." (93:59)
• Alyssa is devastated, realizing Ethan has been lying about his activities and expenditures:
  • “Why would you lie to me about that when you don’t even want to be with me?” (87:51)

Final Assessment & Next Steps

• Caleb refuses to proceed with a normal financial budget intervention.
  • “There is more to work with, because in August alone, he purchased [multiple] fan subscriptions…have you guys seen a couple therapist?”
• He recommends couples therapy “with a focus on sex,” offers to pay for two sessions, and assigns them to a budgeting expert.
• Caleb reiterates: “You guys are not able to budget and focus…you need to sit down with a couple therapist…before you can think about the money.” (95:11)

Standout Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Caleb (on spending):
  “You’re spending 70% of your household income on you. Bullshit. Contributing nothing. Just fun slop.” (28:45)
• Caleb (to Alyssa):
  “You started with ‘I never spend. I look at my statements every day.’ How can you say you don’t know what’s happening about a charge that you said never had?” (43:10)
• Alyssa (on being the adult):
  “I have to mother him a little bit, because I want to make sure that stuff gets done because I don’t want it sitting on me the rest of my life.” (69:10)
• Caleb (on relationship health):
  “More than anything, have you guys seen a couple therapist? ...I want you guys to have a good life together... we will focus on a budget at some point, but more than anything I want you to focus on healing this relationship.” (94:58)
• Caleb (on OnlyFans spending):
  “He is subscribing to multiple OnlyFans accounts multiple times a month. He’s gooning a lot. And I think what we have here is a relationship issue.” (93:59)
• Alyssa (devastated):
  “All the reassurance you do means nothing. You saying you’re just not in the mood, or you’re stressed, or you’re tired, means nothing. That means you’re lying to me.” (89:02)

Key Timestamps

| Segment/Class | Description | Timestamp | | --- | --- | --- | | Income breakdown | Alyssa and Ethan’s jobs, net income | 00:50–03:00 | | Relationship roles | Alyssa confesses “raising a man child” | 03:19 | | Communication gaps | Disagreement over work hours | 04:50–05:32 | | Divided finances | Separate accounts, Alyssa doing the budgeting | 08:20–09:46 | | Enabling & blame | Both accusing each other | 19:26–21:19 | | Real spending numbers | Caleb reveals true outflows | 21:19–28:45 | | Raising Ethan’s brothers | Caretaking, family instability | 37:03–40:18 | | Credit cards & lies | Alyssa claims no card debt, gets caught | 42:45–54:10 | | Sex & intimacy issues | Emotional/sexual disconnect | 73:54–78:14 | | OnlyFans spending is revealed | Financial & emotional cheating exposed | 86:05–94:58 | | Caleb recommends therapy | No financial fix before relationship work | 94:58 |

Summary Table: Financial Health

| Category | Details | |-----------------------|------------------------------------------------------| | Combined Net Income | ~$5,200/mo ($62,400/yr) | | Debt | Multiple credit cards, lease, BNPL; all maxed | | Discretionary Spend | ~$3,600/mo (70% of income; mostly food, ‘junk’) | | Communication | Poor, secretive, and mutually accusatory | | Children in Care | Ethan’s teen brothers; added pressure | | Sex/Intimacy | Significant, unresolved issues | | Trust | Broken (OnlyFans, secret spending, lying) | | Savings/Emergency | None; negative balances, paycheck advances | | Therapy Needed? | YES—Caleb will sponsor initial sessions |

Tone and Takeaways

This was an unvarnished, highly personal, and often uncomfortable session, with Caleb wielding dark humor to keep things moving. Both Alyssa and Ethan admit to mismanaging money and blaming each other; trust is deeply compromised due to lies about finances and intimacy. The couple’s future—both personally and financially—is precarious unless they radically reorganize both their communication and their spending. Caleb’s core prescription is not just budgeting, but couple’s therapy: their survival as a relationship hinges on radical honesty, transparency, and mutual support—far more than on which card to cut or points to chase.

If you haven’t heard the episode, this summary captures the rollercoaster—financial and emotional—of Alyssa and Ethan’s young, troubled union, masterfully dissected (and roasted) by Caleb Hammer.