Financial Audit Podcast: "My Lawyer Had To Step In"

Host: Caleb Hammer
Guest: "Ivory" (35, Los Angeles)
Release Date: September 10, 2025

Episode Overview

In this raw and often confrontational episode, host Caleb Hammer performs a Financial Audit on Ivory, a 35-year-old musician and prop house stock person from Los Angeles. The conversation offers an intense, unfiltered look at Ivory’s extreme debt, fraught financial habits, persistent side hustles (including sperm donation), and the emotional toll of chasing a creative dream amidst financial chaos.

Throughout, Caleb oscillates between sharp criticism, biting humor, and genuine attempts to intervene. The result is a rollercoaster episode—alternately funny, frustrating, and poignant—that exposes the traps of paycheck-to-paycheck living, payday loans, gig economy struggles, and the high cost of refusing to confront hard truths.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Ivory's Background, Income, and Hustles

• Occupations: Day job as stock person at a prop house ($1,250 net/biweekly) and a “musical prostitute” performing piano at gigs—weddings, restaurants, variety shows, and comedy events—for $1,000–2,000/month.
  [01:59–03:15]
• Total Income: Averaging $3,500–4,000 monthly, but not consistently setting aside money for taxes.
• Tax Practices: Admits filing tax extensions and sporadically claiming income, sometimes writing off expenses, but not making quarterly payments.

  Ivory: "I am not [setting aside taxes]." — [03:19]

2. Financial Chaos & Coping through Performance

• Debt Accumulation: Large loans taken out during better employment (including time at Google/YouTube Originals), used for living expenses, music production gear, and to 'feel better' with money in the account.
  [05:07–08:10, 23:56–28:00]
• Living Situation: After a high-rent arrangement with a former manager/mentor, Ivory now pays $800/month (cash) in a presumably shared situation.
• Financial Coping Mechanisms: Juggles multiple banking and loan apps, transferring funds to avoid overdrafts, continually in a cycle of borrowing.

  Ivory: "Whenever I have one account that is overcharged, I have 48 hours to then replenish that account back to zero to stop from an overdraft fee… they bounce between." — [23:17]

3. Payday Loans, Title Loans, & the Cycle of Despair

• Multiple Predatory Loans: Ivory lists an unprecedented number of payday loans, rapid cash advances, and a car title loan (35%+ APR), with balances outstanding on each.
  [35:37–80:44]

• Interest Rates: Some loans carry 400%+ APRs, with rolling cycles of paying one with funds from another.

  Caleb: "Are you making history? Is this the most amount of payday loans we've had? It is. Oh, I'm gonna murder you." — [74:10]

• Pawn Shop Debt: Pawned a Fender Rhodes keyboard to cover bills ("not the first time").
  [81:08–81:52]

• Spending Patterns: Large amounts spent on cigarettes ($6k+/yr smuggled menthols), miscellaneous fun, and ATM withdrawal fees.

  Caleb: "That's two months of your income goes to cigarettes a year. Two months!" — [47:15]

4. Sperm Donation & Alternative Hustles

• Side Hustle Details: Sperm donation brings in $120–$150 per sample, with a 48-hour waiting period between donations, yielding potentially thousands per year.

  Ivory: "I'm also, you know, donating sperm which gives me $150 every time." — [20:44]

• Health & Lifestyle: Smokes heavily (~16 cigarettes/day), former substance issues, struggling with self-worth and confidence.

5. Emotional Struggles: Coping, Comedy, and the “Dream”

• Chasing the Dream: Ivory justifies low-paying gigs as essential for happiness, despite financial hardship.

  Ivory: "It's the only way I find joy. It's the happiest thing... it's the way I feel the most honest and earnest." — [06:11]

• Performative Coping: Caleb frequently points out Ivory’s “quirky millennial” banter and comedic deflection as a mask for loneliness and despair.

  Caleb: "Your little goofs and gaffes… are just a massive cope." — [76:07]

6. Interventions, Critiques & Budgeting Advice

• Host’s Approach: Caleb vacillates between ridicule, harsh honesty, and calls for behavioral change, at times expressing exasperation but ultimately offering a path forward.

  Caleb: "You're not in your 20s anymore. You're not in the up period where you can do anything… time is against you here." — [17:26]

• Possible Solutions:

  • Let unmanageable debts default/go bankrupt, stop accruing new debt.
  • Radically cut spending (esp. cigarettes, miscellaneous).
  • Seek higher-paying, stable employment outside of gig economy.
  • Use any remaining cash flow after living expenses to settle and pay down debts.

  Caleb: "There is a way to do this. It's just changing behavior and no more fun…pick up an evening job, make more money and pay off this debt." — [92:51]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Opening Barbs & Tension

• Caleb: "Your personality. Your existence is bad." [00:01]
• Ivory: "Like I said, that's the Future Ivory problem." [00:40]

On Chasing Comedy Gigs for $30/3 Hours

• Caleb: "You will make that amount of money borderline close in California hourly… you're willing to give up your entire life and not being able to pay bills in order to jerk off to some comedians." [10:45, 11:12]

On Creative Passions vs. Practicality

• Caleb: "Do your hobbies outside of work, where you bring in money and pay your bills." [06:19]

Payday Loan Hell

• Caleb: "Have you been making your payments on [the payday loans]?"
  Ivory: "Yes."
  Caleb: "Really? How?"
  Ivory: "Morning nuts… I get up early and donate and then play whatever shows..." [39:00–39:08]

On Sperm Donation

• Ivory: "You have to wait 48 hours in between nuts." [21:08]
• Caleb: "Can I just go jack off $25,000 a year in nutting? Whoa, hold on." [21:49]

On the Cycle of Overdrafts and Account Swapping

• Ivory: "They bounce between… probably since the beginning of the year… about November.” [23:17–23:53]

Existential Despair & Harsh Reality

• Caleb: "You're a joke and you're a failure." [17:50]
• Ivory: "I feel like you just, you're not—you haven't been chasing the dream."
• Caleb: "Don't think I've hit the dream?" [17:56–17:59]

On Bankruptcy as the Only Solution

• Caleb: "The real answer to this… is change your behavior… and then go through bankruptcy. That's it. Get as close to a fresh start as you can." [88:59]

Key Timestamps

• [01:16–04:41] - Ivory’s work/income/tax situation
• [05:07–08:10] - Loan origins and musician struggles
• [10:39–14:10] - Comedy gigs for little pay, networking vs. income
• [23:06–24:25] - Account overdraft cycling and escalation
• [34:36–36:09] - Moby Loan and other high-interest debt
• [39:00–41:47] - Morning sperm donations and debt cycles
• [44:46–47:15] - Cigarette habits and costs
• [56:01–57:05] - Upstart loan breakdown
• [60:22–62:43] - Over-the-limit credit, late fees, and host frustration
• [76:07–76:12] - Performative coping with debt spiral
• [83:27–84:09] - Past “shark loan” experience at extreme interest
• [92:51–93:09] - Host outlines (harsh) possible solution/budget
• [94:04–94:07] - Post-show teaser

Summary of Guest Finances (as revealed)

• Total Monthly Take-Home: ~$3,500 (main job + odd gigs + sperm donations)
• Recurring Expenses:
  • Rent: $800 (shared; cash)
  • Cigarettes: $6,300/year ($17.50/day)
  • Food, gas, phone, insurance, loans: Rough aggregate minimums exceed $2,800
• Debts:
  • Payday Loans: At least four, totaling thousands, 230–769% APR
  • Car Title Loan: $12.5k at 30–35% APR
  • Credit Card (Credit One): Over limit, behind on payments
  • Pawn Shop Receivable
  • Loans from friends or family (undisclosed total)
  • Retirement savings: ~$10k (only financial cushion)

Tone and Language

• Caleb: Intensely direct, brutally honest, angry, sarcastic, interspersed with earnest financial guidance and moments of reluctant empathy.
• Ivory: Self-deprecating, performative, oscillates between comedic detachment and raw vulnerability.
• Overall: Candid, frequently brash, sometimes uncomfortable, but illuminating on the realities of creative gig work and extreme debt.

For New Listeners

This episode is a deep-dive case study in what happens when creative dreams, gig economy realities, mental health struggles, and exploitative lending collide. Caleb’s tough-love approach, while caustic, underscores the urgency and severity of Ivory’s situation. For anyone navigating irregular income, predatory loans, or the psychological costs of “chasing the dream,” this conversation is a bracing must-listen.

Hammer Financial Score:

• Spending/Budget: 0/10
• Debt: 0/10
• Emergency Fund: 0/10
• Retirement: 2/10
• Real Estate: 0/10
• Final: 0.5/10

Noteworthy:
Post-show segment (for members) is teased as containing more “juicy” revelations regarding loans owed to parents and historical family dynamics.

End of summary