Jodi Beerse (4:30)
So all the guys that I worked with had never worked with a girl before and they were really terrified of a girl coming onto their crew. Kind of. I think they were afraid of me putting a damper on their brotherhood. You know, starting my very first day on the hotshot crew, you know, just my 22 year old self not knowing anything about anything and stepping onto this station on, you know, where I knew that I had to prove myself. It was definitely the hardest, most grueling, exciting time of my life. I can't tell you how many hikes I did, you know, taking a step, one step after another, just saying in my head, be brave, be strong, be brave, be strong. And yeah, that got me through a lot. There's no amount of training I think that you can do to fully be prepared to go to a hotshot crew. So a hotshot is they're I would say, up to par with a smoke jumper. They just instead of parachuting into fires, they're hiking into them. So they're very highly trained, highly skilled, self sufficient firefighters. They can, a hotshot crew can go into the most extreme conditions that most other people wouldn't, would turn down assignments that they can make happen. I could never imagine my life without my career. It meant everything for me at the time. I wasn't married, I didn't have kids. Like it really was my life. I remember thinking like, what would I do? What would I do if I couldn't fight fire anymore? And then it actually happened to me. So we were going back to our station after scouting the area for potential fires because it was the 4th of July, and so, you know, with all the neighborhoods having fireworks, we were out driving around. It was. It was a nice summer evening. We had been sitting on top of the buggies watching the different fireworks scattered across the town. A buggy is what you call the crew carrier that a hotshot crew or any hand crew would drive around in. There's like old school bus seats. They have a seatbelt and a simple armrest, but it's not. There's no airbags. It's just steel and, you know, some nets on the side to hold your gear in place. Very, very rugged, simple vehicle. So it was time to head back to the station. And so everyone was just in a really, really happy mood. You know, we were playing music in the back of the crew carriers and just laughing and joking and having a really good time. Being pretty loud, actually, because our captain all of a sudden turned around, really, he almost seemed angry and yelled at us, turn the music down. And we're like, gosh, what's his problem? And then he said, amod rolled over. So we have two crew carriers that carry the hotshot crews separated into A squad and B squad. And so AMOD was ahead of us, and they had gotten out on the radio and said that they had rolled over. All of a sudden, I mean, you could hear a pin drop in the back. We were just. Our heart sunk. So we just all quieted down and listened to anything else we could hear on the radio. We knew they had been ahead of us. So we started watching the side of the road. And sure enough, we saw one of the guys from that vehicle waving us down on the side of the road. They had rolled over like a 20 foot embankment. And so they were down in the ditch out of sight from the main road. And so we knew that one of 12 were okay, but we didn't know about everyone else. So I told the guys, like, hey, put on your gear, put on your helmets and headlamps because it's going to be dark. And I just kind of like lined everyone out on what to do. When we got to this scene, the first thing we see was the undercarriage of their buggy. Just a sickening feeling, you know. We climbed up the wheel shafts and just the underside of the buggy and crawled in in a window. And I remember how glad I was that we had put our headlamps on because it was so dark and it was such a foreign place. Being in there with it being on its side, nothing made sense. I couldn't tell what was up or down or anything. One person was stuck in the back, like, he was wedged between his seat and the back door. Another guy who I went to was saying, my neck hurts. And so I said, okay, don't move. And so I just held. Held C spine, which means I just held his head. Head still and made sure that he didn't move his neck. And he kept saying, what happened? And I said, the buggy rolled over. You're inside, you're okay, but we're gonna stay here. He's like, am I okay? And I said, you're okay. We're just gonna sit here and, you know, we're gonna stay still. And pretty soon we heard, you know, a helicopter overhead and we heard people outside and, like, other responders were coming, and they had an inmate crew actually come and help, like, hurt people up the hill. I mean. Cause if you're strapped to that backboard, you wanna make sure that the people that are carrying you don't drop you. So they had a really important job that night. And then I got out and just looking around like, oh, my gosh, what just happened? And so for the rest of the season, half of our crew was pretty much out of commission. Everyone there was. Everyone survived. That person that I helped will never fight fire again. He had some pretty severe injuries, and so his career was over. Being a firefighter, it becomes so ingrained into your mind, body and spirit that having your career as a firefighter end or having that taken away from you is like having a piece of your. Your heart ripped out. You know, it's just something that you can never replace. And I think the rest of us that weren't involved, you know, that weren't injured, I think we had some survivor's guilt. You know, we felt like, why? Why them and why not us? So those of us that were left, we started, I think, just drinking to kind of numb some of those feelings and to. It was a bond, and it was just definitely like a numbing ritual for us. People in the fire service tend to be kind of like machismo, Like, I'm not gonna show any emotion. I think people forget that we do have feelings and that we do remember those sights, those sounds, those smells of every call we remember. We know what the smell of blood is, what the smell of death is. And that's. That's kind of the expectation, especially in the Old school was that you just put that feeling deep in a box and bury it within yourself. And, you know, suddenly you had generations of firefighters and other first responders too, that have PTSD and substance abuse problems, anger issues. And we've learned now that you think you can forget it or move on, but really it's down in there. It stays inside of you. Instead of just bottling up and trying to play tough guy. I probably could have made different choices, you know, not used alcohol as a way to suppress feelings, as a way to numb our emotions. I'm partly where I am today because I didn't express my hurt with that accident. I think the following year, one of our battalion chiefs passed away. He had cancer. And it was a very fast moving cancer, completely unexpected. And he was a very influential battalion chief to us. And he was very young as well, had a young family. He was only like 35. So as firefighters, do we like, okay, well, we're gonna go celebrate his life. And so, in firefighter fashion, we went to the bar. You know, we were just, all right, we're. We're gonna go have a night. This night was like, okay, we don't have to work tomorrow. We'll get a cab tonight. No worries, you know? And somehow the cab portion didn't happen. I don't remember getting into my car or really saying goodbye to anyone. I was just acting in a blackout. I was, I'm sure, acting fine, because if I was acting not fine, I know someone would have stopped me. But I didn't even make it a mile from the bar. And I remember looking up to see a small white car. And I tried slamming on the brakes, and I swerved and I saw my front end hitting hers. Her car door, the sound of the crashing glass. And then I remember, I remember a police officer standing at my driver door with a gun pointing at me, telling me to put my hands up. And sitting in the back of the cop car, trying to figure out where I was, like, where I was looking around like, where's my truck? Was anyone with me? Like, what? I just had no idea what was going on. And I couldn't wrap my head around the thought that I had hurt someone. And I just felt my world just coming to a complete halt. She was killed on impact, and her husband that was with her was in critical condition for a couple months. As soon as the authorities found out that I was a firefighter, my charges went from vehicular manslaughter to second degree murder. Because while everyone knows better than to drink and drive There's a higher standard, you know, like, we. We definitely know better. As firefighters. My time was going from, you know, four to seven years to 15 to life with a second degree murder charge. Just. I remember sitting in the holding cell that night, and I thought, how can I go on with my life? I can't. Like, there was a sign that said, if you're feeling suicidal, please, you know, call for help. And I was like, oh, that's a great idea. You know, that. That's what I need to do, because there's no way that I can go on with my life like this. And then I thought, no, no. Like, how could you even think that? You've. You've spent the last, you know, three, five years of your life telling your co workers and others to be brave and to be strong and to make the right decision and to do the hard. Do the hard thing. I'm like, nope, I need. And it was right then and there. I'm like, I need to buckle down. And as hard as this is, we're gonna. I'm gonna get through it because it's the least I can do. You know, I walked away. I don't even have a scratch on my body. My airbags didn't even go off, you know, and I'm. I'm here and someone else isn't. So I need to just be the best that I can be. You know, going through my trial because I was a firefighter was highly publicized. And so the Forest administration immediately cut ties with me, pretty much. They pretty much forbade any of my crewmates or friends from the. From the forest to be involved with my trial in any way. We almost started picking jury members for the trial. Like, it went really far. And finally, at the last minute, the DA and my attorney were able to come to the plea deal. And luckily. And I could say it's because the family wasn't. They were forgiving to me. They were able to see that. They were able to see that I was a good person and that I didn't, you know, have malice in my heart. And they understood that my life was going to change enough and that I was remorseful. My attorney was actually really blown away by the fact that at my sentencing, my family and my victim's family were. They actually, like, hugged each other outside the courthouse. And I think. I think that meant a lot to my dad. You know, it definitely meant a lot to me. And my attorney's like, I've been in this. I've been in this job for 20 years, and I've never seen anything like that. He's like, that is really amazing. And so, you know, I just always carry that forward, that, you know, to be grateful. To be grateful for the whole journey. I mean, yes, it is not a fun thing thinking about spending the next six or seven years of your life in prison, but just realizing that, you know, I have the ability to make. Make it what it is. You know, just like my year in jail, Either I can wither away, or I can, you know, step up and. And live out the words, the mantra that I had taught my firefighters, you know, So I remember riding the bus up to Chowchilla, shackled to the girl next to me, both facing, like, this unknown, this huge unknown. Like, we didn't know what was awaiting us. We had never been to prison before. I think my biggest fear being in prison was, when will I get to fight fire again? That was probably the biggest thing everyone had said, oh, you'll get right back out. You can get on the inmate crew, and you'll be firefighting again in no time. And that was my goal. As soon as I hit the prison yard, I wanted to get to my counselor and tell them, I want to get to the fire camp. That's what I want to do. I also was a little hesitant. I thought, how strange is it? It's going to feel so weird to be wearing orange and to be an inmate firefighter and see my hotshot crew friends walking beside me at fire camp, you know, because at fire camp, we all go through the same towel line. We all go through the same lines to get our lunches, especially the female crews. There's only one or two female crews, so they stand out. Any. Any female firefighter stands out because there's so few of us. And then a whole crew of female firefighters, of course, stands out. Everyone is working together, and it's gonna be really weird because I know they're gonna see me, and I know I'm gonna see them, but I thought, oh, well, I. I just want to get back to fire. Like, all right, here I am. When. When can I start running? When can I start working out? When can I start preparing for fire camp? So I saw a girl. She had a jean, a denim shirt on, and jeans, which no one gets to wear blue jeans. And it said fire on the back. And I thought, hmm, who is she? And so I ended up just introducing myself to her. I said, hey, I'm Jodi. Are you at the firehouse? And, I mean, obviously. Obviously she was, but I just needed an icebreaker, and she Said, yeah. And I said, I used to be a firefighter with the Forest Service. And so that perked her up her ears. Like, oh, really? You were a firefighter? And I said, yeah, I'm trying to go to fire camp. And she said, well, well, what about the firehouse? I think it was in October of 2014 that I actually got to the firehouse. I got out of the van that dropped me off at the firehouse and I had two pillowcases full of my belongings. The fire girls are all lined up and they're just like jumping up and down, screaming and saying, hi, Jody. Waving and so excited to see me. And I felt like, so overwhelmed. I felt like, just like a piece of me is back, you know, when I first got there, yes, I was an experienced firefighter, but in a completely different atmosphere. So coming into just such a solid crew, it was really reassuring. Like, okay, like, we got this. Whatever we're going to, we got this and we could just go handle it. And we did. And we worked harder than any of the guys that we responded with, that's for sure. Biggest standout moments being on a all girl fire engine was driving through town one day when it was completely all girl. Our captain that day was even female. And a little girl was in a car next to us and she was. We could see her pointing at us and telling her mom, like, look, the fire engine is all girls. And that was just for us, like, wow, you know, we are that huge moment for this little girl, you know, and it wasn't about inmate, firefighter, anything. It was just, there's a fire engine and there's all girls in there. We would come back after a hard call, whether it was emotionally draining or we really do a good job of looking out for each other and kind of gauging each other's energy and like, are they okay? Are they doing okay? Kind of look into their eyes and look into their cell and be like, are you really okay? And engage from there. That's what's different with working with 10 females, is that emotions fly easily whether you want them to or not. The fire girls especially taught me how important it is to release that emotion, to talk about things and to not bottle things up. It doesn't. It's not a sign of weakness to show emotion because of the things that you see in responding to some of these crashes and fires. They're not normal. They're not things that normal people see. And so I think that's one thing that Station 5 has changed in me as a firefighter is just the ability to take someone aside and say, hey, no, no, that was kind of some gruesome stuff. Not just, oh, we're good. Okay, that was.
