Worthy | 6

Summary

Fire Escape: Episode 6 - "Worthy"

Host: Anna Sussman
Release Date: December 30, 2024
Podcast: Fire Escape by Wondery

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Introduction

In the sixth episode of Fire Escape, titled "Worthy," host Anna Sussman delves deep into the emotional and transformative journey of Amika Mota. This episode explores Amika's struggle to rebuild her life and mend her fractured relationships after her release from prison, culminating in profound moments of loss and new beginnings.

---

Release and Emotional Reunion

After spending seven years incarcerated—four and a half in the main prison and over two years training with the all-female crew of incarcerated firefighters—Amika Mota finally sees her parole day arrive.

• Anticipation and Fear: Amika describes the parole ceremony as a blend of "furious feelings" with "butterflies in my stomach, you know, palms sweating" (00:41). The uncertainty of whether her release would be granted heightened her anxiety:
  Amika: “You always expect, like, the worst to happen” (01:59).

• Parole Ceremony: Emiko recounts the heartfelt display by the firehouse crew, turning on lights and sirens to honor those paroled:
  Emiko: “It was so surreal. You know, it was just kind of one of those things that you've been imagining for years and years, that that'll be you one day and then it's actually you” (02:07).

---

Challenges of Reintegrating into Family Life

Upon release, Amika moves into her father's house, carrying only a single bag of belongings. Her reunion with her family is bittersweet, marked by the joy of her return and the complexities of reestablishing maternal bonds.

• Reconnecting with Children:
  Serle: “It was like everything would be perfect. But it wasn't like that at all” (07:07).
  Amika struggles to navigate her relationships with her teenage daughters, Serle and Blossom, and her adult son, Milo.

• Emotional Disconnect: Amika admits feeling disconnected and unable to connect with her children as she once did:
  Jose: “I wasn't able to love my kids the same way... I had a different shell on me at that point” (10:20).

• Conflict and Fear: A pivotal moment occurs when Amika confronts Blossom about her drug use, leading to a tense and physical altercation:
  Amika: “To some fucking drugs or some bullshit was so terrifying... I have never put hands on my kids like that” (09:28).

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Mother’s Illness and Passing

Approximately a year and a half after her release, Amika receives devastating news about her mother, Joni, who is battling late-stage pancreatic cancer.

• Coping with Loss: Amika and her daughters face the heart-wrenching experience of caring for their dying mother:
  Blossom: “She was getting sick fast... she was really terrified” (15:01).

• Final Moments: The family gathers to support Joni in her final days, culminating in a powerful and intimate portrayal of death and legacy:
  Serle: “I caught her... So, yeah, she was in the tub” (27:37).
  Amika: “I couldn't have parented them in the ways that I did when I got out... I had to decide that I was worthy of living my life again” (31:13).

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Healing and New Beginnings

In the aftermath of Joni's passing, Amika and Jose strive to create a stable and nurturing environment for their growing family within a supportive intentional community.

• Building a New Life Together: Moving into Joni's apartment, Amika, Jose, and Blossom find solace and strength in their community:
  Blossom: “It was also like, no, she was kind of a stranger... It is like she was a stranger” (12:54).

• Expanding the Family: Amidst healing, Amika and Jose welcome a new child, symbolizing hope and continuity:
  Amika: “I decided that I was worthy of, of living my life again” (31:13).

• Community Support: The intentional community provides resources and a network that fosters their reintegration:
  Blossom: “It was a kind of safe feeling... Stretch. Relax your bum” (16:06).

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Key Insights and Reflections

"Worthy" poignantly illustrates the intricate balance between seeking redemption and the enduring impact of past actions on personal relationships. Amika’s journey underscores the importance of self-worth, the challenges of reintegration, and the profound strength found in community and familial bonds.

• Amika’s Reflection on Worthiness:
  Amika: “There is no going back to what was before. I can’t fix” (11:42).

• Serle’s Perspective on Maternal Bonds:
  Serle: “I was really, really lucky to be the one to catch Gloria and to be the one to be there with my grandma as she passed on” (29:14).

• Blossom on Moving Forward:
  Blossom: “I can only move forward” (11:50).

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Conclusion

Episode 6 of Fire Escape masterfully navigates the tumultuous waters of Amika Mota’s life post-incarceration. Through heartfelt storytelling and raw emotional exchanges, the episode highlights the resilience required to rebuild and the enduring quest for redemption and connection.

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Notable Quotes with Attribution

• Amika Mota:
  "You always expect, like, the worst to happen." (01:59)
  "To some fucking drugs or some bullshit was so terrifying..." (09:28)
  "There is no going back to what was before. I can’t fix." (11:42)
  "I had to decide that I was worthy of living my life again." (31:13)

• Serle (Amika's Daughter):
  "It was like everything would be perfect. But it wasn't like that at all." (07:07)
  "I was really, really lucky to be the one to catch Gloria and to be the one to be there with my grandma as she passed on." (29:14)
  "I was trying to feed my mom popsicles." (27:07)

• Blossom (Amika's Daughter):
  "I can only move forward." (11:50)
  "I felt like I had given her a bit of a cycle that a daughter deserves." (28:31)

• Jose (Amika's Boyfriend):
  "I wasn't able to love my kids the same way... I had a different shell on me at that point." (10:20)
  "I was able to spend some time talking to my mom." (17:22)

• Emiko:
  "It was so surreal... like one of those things that you've been imagining for years and years." (02:07)
  "She’s going to slip by. She's going to slip on by." (27:01)

---

Acknowledgments

Special thanks to Amika Mota for sharing her story, and to the contributors at Snap Studios and Wondry for producing this compelling episode. Additional gratitude to all family members and community members who supported Amika’s journey.

---

Fire Escape continues to illuminate the personal struggles and triumphs of incarcerated firefighters, offering listeners an unfiltered look into lives reshaped by courage, loss, and the relentless pursuit of a second chance.

Transcript

[Anna Sussman]

Wondry subscribers can bind all episodes of Fire Escape early and ad free. Right now, join Wondri in the Wondry app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.

[Amica Mota]

Snap Studios.

[Anna Sussman]

When it's time for someone to parole from the firehouse, the whole team and the cap gather outside and there's a ceremony.

[Emiko]

What the firehouse girls would do for you was when they see the parole van coming through the gates of the prison, they would line up all of the fire trucks and turn on the lights and sirens, and everybody would be out there, like, loving you up, waving and crying. I'd seen so many people parole before me, and so for my day to come was. It was a big thing.

[Anna Sussman]

After seven years in prison, four and a half in the main prison, and more than two years at the firehouse, Amica's Day did come.

[Emiko]

What I envisioned the whole, I'm probably gonna cry on this one. What I envisioned the whole time I was in prison, how I would reconcile with my kids.

[Jose]

I envisioned myself, like, giving him a.

[Emiko]

Lot of love to make up for.

[Jose]

All these years that I'd been gone.

[Anna Sussman]

She was shaking as she walked from the fire station to the parole van.

[Amica Mota]

Lord.

[Blossom]

I mean, definitely, like, that kind of endorphin rush. Like, definitely butterflies in my stomach, you know, palms sweating, kind of just those visceral feelings of, like, you could feel the nerves, the anxiety, the excitement. I mean, every.

[Amica Mota]

You always expect, like, the worst to happen.

[Blossom]

Like, you don't want to go in thinking everything's gonna be smooth because what do you mean?

[Serle]

What's the worst?

[Amica Mota]

I don't know.

[Blossom]

That no one will be there for you or that they'll send. You know, they'll be like, just kidding, head back in. Like, you know, you just never really know.

[Anna Sussman]

In the holding area, Emiko was given her release clothes sent to her by a friend. It was sweatpants and a sweatshirt from a skate shop in Ukiah that said Freedom on the back. She tried to put on a pair of heels, but it didn't work, so she went with flip flops. The plan was for her family to wait in the parking lot.

[Emiko]

And then my kids were in the parking lot waiting for me with my papa. And so I told them, listen for the fire trucks and the sirens, and when they go off, it'll mean the van is coming. And so it was kind of a beautiful thing because I could see it from the parole van, my kids could see it from the parking lot. The three fire trucks lined up. I saw the girls lined up in front of the fire trucks, people sitting up on the fire trucks, people clowning behind the wheel, you know, laying on the horns, sirens blazing. It was so surreal. You know, it was just kind of one of those things that you been imagining for years and years, that that'll be you one day and then it's actually you. And it's almost the same as when you walk in the gates. It just feels like dream and, you know, you can't even imagine what's next.

[Anna Sussman]

From Wondry and Snap Studios at kqed, I'm Anna Sussman, and this is Fire Escape, the story of a woman whose world burned down, and then she learned to fight fire from behind bars. This is episode six. Worthy.

[Abigail]

This episode is brought to you by Audible, your premier destination for audiobooks and exclusive content. Whether you're seeking inspiration, knowledge, or entertainment, Audible has something for every listener. New members can try audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com fire or text fire to 500. 500.

[Anna Sussman]

It was finally the day of her release, the day she had imagined for all these years, the day she could begin to be the person on the outside she planned to be. Starting with Milo Soleil and Blossom.

[Serle]

And it seemed like it'd just be forever, but it was, like, really happening. You know, I saw her, I hugged her. Like there was no guards watching. There was no, we weren't gonna leave at 2. Or, you know, like, it was just, like, super exciting.

[Amica Mota]

Oh.

[Emiko]

The whole ride, my kids were like, look at this and look at that. And look, I had no idea what they're talking about. It was like phone stuff or pictures on Instagram. Like, none of that. I didn't. I didn't know about any of this. Just like, looking out the window and just having my kids kind of, like, curled up on me and just holding on. That was sweet.

[Serle]

And then when she was inside, we talked a lot about what we were gonna do when she got out. And it wasn't all, like, big things. It was just like our plans, like, mom and daughter thing. Painting our nails together, going on trips together, watching movies, showing our music, listening to music together.

[Anna Sussman]

When they got home to Amica's papa's house, she put her one bag of belongings down on the patio where she'd be sleeping. She called her mom and she made plans for her boyfriend Jose to call her from prison, collect when he could. And then they all sat down on her dad's couch, and she put in a DVD with pictures of her work at the firehouse.

[Emiko]

We're on papa's big red couch and we're all cuddled Together. That was probably one of the first moments. And we all just, you know, I had a girl on each side.

[Anna Sussman]

There were pictures of Amica doing vehicle extractions, climbing ladders and hosing down burning buildings.

[Emiko]

And they were blowing my. I mean, it was just like, my mom's a gangster. Oh, my God. My mom, you know, that's how my girls were.

[Blossom]

Like, whoa. You know, it was kind of unbelievable.

[Anna Sussman]

They were proud of you.

[Emiko]

Yeah, they were really proud. And my papa was too. My mom was. I mean, it was. It was pretty amazing. I just felt like I was getting to share my life with them and bringing it home to them about what I really did.

[Anna Sussman]

The first day together on the couch, being proud, being hopeful, that was the easiest day.

[Serle]

It was like this goal. It was like when she got out, everything would be perfect. It was like this. It was just this thing that we were waiting on. Once you got out, everything would be perfect. Life would be perfect. But it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't like that at all.

[Blossom]

I mean, coming home and having two teenage girls in the house who loved me and were hurt by me, and that had placed me on a pedestal for all the years I was gone. Coming home to those girls and to the reality of like, we. We had different visions, actually.

[Serle]

But I didn't. What had happened when she came home, I didn't expect that.

[Anna Sussman]

Amica's son, Milo, was in his 20s and already out of the house. She had two daughters. Her older daughter, Serle, was turning 18 and. And there was a lot of pain in that mother daughter relationship. And her youngest, Blossom, was 13.

[Serle]

I mean, 13 is like, where you're first, like you're just starting to be a teenager. I think the first, like, crazy thing that happened was when she first got home. I just remember, like, this one night, it was a school night at 2. I went out with my friend. I didn't come home until like 6 in the morning.

[Anna Sussman]

When Blossom came home, Amika knew exactly what she had been doing.

[Blossom]

I mean, I knew she was using because I could tell in her eyes. I could see it in her eyes. I knew. I knew she was off. I knew she wasn't fully there.

[Amica Mota]

That scared the shit out of me. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. Like, as a mom at that point, she was like all I had left.

[Blossom]

And the idea of me losing her.

[Amica Mota]

To some fucking drugs or some bullshit was so terrifying. I was so sad and afraid for.

[Blossom]

My daughter, and it came across as just anger.

[Serle]

You know, and I think that just set her off. And I got, yeah, after that, got.

[Blossom]

Violent and then I picked her up.

[Amica Mota]

By her jaw and I picked her up kind of by her neck and her jaw and I, you know, put her head up against the wall and I don't even remember what it was I said, but that touch alone was not a touch she had ever felt for me. And it was extreme. It scared her, it scared me, it scared all of us. I have never put hands on my kids like that.

[Blossom]

You know what I mean?

[Serle]

So it was just so shocking to.

[Amica Mota]

Me.

[Serle]

That that happened. And it was, it was disappoint.

[Jose]

I wasn't able to love my kids the same way when I go home. I wasn't able to be the kind of mom that they wanted. I wasn't able to be like a soft and gentle loving mom. I had a different shell on me at that point. And it wasn't even though I was always felt like I was a touchy feely person. I was like my, you know, I wasn't anymore. And like, you know, there's times like my kids would like want to cuddle with me and it was like too much. I didn't, I just, it freaked me out a little bit.

[Blossom]

Like I just.

[Jose]

I don't even have a words or a process to put to that. But I knew that I wasn't accessible in the way that they had wanted me to be or that I had wanted to be. When I got home.

[Blossom]

This is what I keep thinking.

[Amica Mota]

Like it was interrupted.

[Blossom]

My bond with my kids was so interrupted that it's changed forever.

[Amica Mota]

You know what I mean? There is no going back to what was before. And I spent most of my prison.

[Blossom]

Life thinking I could go back in ways or I can make up.

[Amica Mota]

And it's taken me as long out as I was inside to realize that that's not the case. Like I can't go back. I can't fix.

[Blossom]

I can only move forward.

[Serle]

I think because I was so young when she went away. Like I was used to not having a mom. I knew she was my mom, but it was also like, no, she was kind of a stranger, you know, and it's like weird saying that, but it is like she was a stranger. And I don't know.

[Blossom]

In some ways I feel like I over promised my kids when I was in the inside. Like when I was trying to get right for them or I was trying to redeem myself, I over promised.

[Amica Mota]

I really did because like I had no, no idea how hard it would be out here.

[Anna Sussman]

Did she ever ask you how you process your accident?

[Amica Mota]

I mean, she. She didn't ask me a whole lot.

[Blossom]

She's, you know.

[Amica Mota]

But she would say things like.

[Serle]

It'S.

[Amica Mota]

Hard for me to believe that that is part of you. Right. She's like a girl of few words. She watches a lot more than she asks questions. And she was definitely paying close attention to me over those years.

[Anna Sussman]

About a year and a half after Emika was released from prison, she was still living at her papa's house when she got a phone call from her mom, Joni.

[Blossom]

She was like, are you. Where are you? Sit down. Like, you need to be by yourself and be somewhere.

[Serle]

Okay.

[Blossom]

Right now. And that was when she told me that she had pancreatic cancer and that it had spread. So they found a lesion on her liver, and so, yeah, we knew it was spreading.

[Serle]

I think we had found out that she was sick. And then what I can really remember is when she came to visit us, she came over to my papa's house, and she was the cutest little thing ever. She had purple dress on and her purple hat and her little suitcase.

[Blossom]

We knew pancreatic cancer is, you know, as she was diagnosed at a really late stage. She told me that she was going to die and that she probably had about six months left to live.

[Serle]

She had told us that, yeah, she didn't want to do chemo. I think the doctor estimated like, six or seven months.

[Blossom]

And so my mom was, like, really excited because she thought, you know, I have the option to choose to die if I want. But I also remember she was really terrified about that because of my criminal history, and she knew I would be with her and be tending to her. And so I know my mom went into this mode, too, of trying to protect me. I mean, she started kind of, like, getting everything, all her T's crossed and I's dotted and making sure she had legal paperwork and that neighbors knew what her plan was. And, yeah, she was afraid that I could be held responsible for some in some way. If she chose to die on her.

[Anna Sussman]

Own, it was a real risk for Amica to put herself at the scene of someone's death. But she told herself all those years in prison, the kind of person she wanted to be when she got out, the kind of mom she wanted to be. She wanted to be there for people and to show her daughter how to take care of others. So Amika took Blossom, and they moved into Joni's apartment in downtown Oakland.

[Blossom]

She was getting sick fast. I made the decision to go and live with my mom knowing she was dying. And Blossom, from the beginning, was like, 100% on board. And we just were with her. Like, we. You know, we just. What we did was we set her bed up in the living room. It was like a studio apartment. The other thing I really. That was. Really stood out to me at that time was how vulnerable my mom became, because my mom is not like that. My mom is like this.

[Emiko]

She's fierce, she's loud, she's.

[Blossom]

You cannot shut my mom up in a room. But.

[Serle]

She.

[Blossom]

She needed us in a way that she's never needed us.

[Anna Sussman]

Amica would call her mom's friends on the phone and then lay the phone down next to her. They called the women who helped her start Good Vibrations. They called the photographers she had collaborated with for Down There Press. But there was one important person they couldn't call. They had to wait for him to call them.

[Blossom]

Jose called from prison, and he was able to spend some time talking to my mom. And she'd known about him for years. But the last conversation that they had was my mom giving him her blessing. Even when he sat inside prison, my mom believed that we were making the right decision and that he would take care of me. The other thing that my mom had on her finger when she died was a little ring that he had sent her from inside the county jail that had my name on it. And she wore that on her wedding finger, this little ring made from jail that Jose sent to her. And it was like her most prized possession at the end. It was hard. I mean, it was, like, hard and beautiful because I had never seen this side of my mom, too. All of us had blocked off this tenderness, you know, myself, my mom, in many ways, you know, Blossom had that, too. It's like, once I was gone, you know, I remember my friend that was taking care of her just, you know, she would write me and be like, she doesn't want to hug anybody. She doesn't want people to touch her. She only wants her mom.

[Amica Mota]

I think she. I think she was reminded about a part of me that wasn't front and center most of the time, right? Which was the ability to be soft and nurturing and loving. And.

[Serle]

I think I saw for the first time the nurturing, the true nurturing side of my mom. Just seeing how good she is at taking care of people and, like, making that space for spirits to pass through.

[Blossom]

So we were figuring it out together. And, yeah, Blossom was a natural, just, like, right there. We just kind of, you know, kept her Cozy and warm. And then we just knew it was coming. We just got in bed with her and Blossom and I just kind of took turns cuddling with her and, you know, keeping a cool rag on her face and things like that.

[Serle]

I remember hearing her take her last breath. Me and my mom, we just sat there for a long time. I think actually, I did think when she passed, she actually did kind of have like a half smile on her face, like a. Like a soft smile. You know.

[Blossom]

We got some music going. Kopa burning. And. And then we decorated her body.

[Serle]

We.

[Blossom]

We had some henna, and so we painted on her and we covered her with these flowers from her garden.

[Serle]

We laid the flowers all around her and just sat with her.

[Blossom]

We felt proud that my mom got to die the way she wanted to die in her home and that she didn't suffer too much at the end.

[Serle]

I think when she died, it was just a really.

[Amica Mota]

It's.

[Serle]

You can't put it into words. It's the same feeling that you have at a birth.

[Blossom]

You know, birth and death are so similar, so it didn't feel scary. It didn't feel strange. It just felt normal.

[Abigail]

Thanks to Audible, our presenting sponsor. These days, it can be hard finding time to disconnect and truly immerse in a good story. But that's where Audible comes in. Audible meets you where you are. With the Audible app, you can access the largest library of audiobooks and exclusive content. Whenever and whatever you're doing. Whether you're a fiction enthusiast, a lifelong learner, someone looking for a laugh, there's an Audible title for you. In my house, we listen to Audible every night as part of our evening routine.

[N/A]

Hi, I'm Abigail, Anna's daughter, and I listen to Audible every night as a part of my bedtime routine. Right now, I'm listening to Esperanza Rising. It's a really good book.

[Abigail]

Thanks, Abby. If you're an Audible member, you can choose one title per month to keep from their entire catalog. New members can try Audible for free for 30 days. Visit audible.com fire or text fire to 500. 500. That's audible.com fire or text fire To 500. 500.

[Anna Sussman]

A little while after Joni passed away. A few months later, Jose was released from prison. He was working the fields in Central California, picking strawberries for not much pay.

[Amica Mota]

Well, what I saw was that he actually, like, he also started, like, studying for his ged.

[Blossom]

He got his license. So those were, like, indicators like, okay, well, he seems pretty serious, right?

[Amica Mota]

But it became more and more Clear how serious he was.

[Anna Sussman]

And then he and Amica and Blossom were able to move into Joni's apartment together. It was in an intentional community where folks ate meals together, gardened together, generally took care of each other.

[Blossom]

And that was also life changing for him as well. Cause for the first time ever he'd been, he was in a community where there was resources and support and like, he had never experienced any of those things in the past.

[Anna Sussman]

Because it was an intentional community.

[Emiko]

What do you mean?

[Blossom]

No, because I was so tapped into, I'd say the kind of reentry community and people that had got out and made it. He had never seen anybody that had made it before. Like, that's actually pretty normal. Is like to not have people in your community that have come back and.

[Amica Mota]

Done well for themselves, right. Or survived it.

[Anna Sussman]

Like they lived together for more than a year, just trying to slowly and quietly build a life together.

[Blossom]

I knew I had the feeling I was pregnant.

[Anna Sussman]

How did you feel?

[Blossom]

A mix of everything. I knew there was going to be people that judged me or didn't want, you know, that didn't think this was the right decision and all of that. And I still felt like, sweet baby. I was so excited.

[Anna Sussman]

She told Blossom first. And then they took Jose out for a birthday dinner at a buffet place and handed him a little box all wrapped up a pregnancy test.

[Blossom]

We both. He had never been in his kids lives the way he wanted to be because of incarceration, right. And addiction. And so for him, it was a kind of a dream to like have a new. A chance to do it again. And for me too.

[Amica Mota]

More so on choosing to bring another child in, right. Especially with wounded children that we had let down and hurt. And I'm sure it was really hard for them to see us starting over. Everybody was like, really?

[Blossom]

This is where you want to put.

[Amica Mota]

Your energy instead of us. We have our own insecurities about becoming parents this late in the game. And after having like, you know, left and abandoned our children in many ways.

[Blossom]

You know, the truth is that we went from a death in our home when my mama died at home, to a year and a half later.

[Amica Mota]

Our.

[Blossom]

Daughter Jose and I were married and we were giving birth to our first baby girl together in the same spot that my mom had passed in a year and a half earlier in this.

[Anna Sussman]

Small loft that her mother had painted lavender, the same loft her mother had passed away in in a blow up birthing tub, surrounded by women she had known for decades. And Jose and Blossom Amika began to birth her Fourth year child. Okay.

[Emiko]

It's a safe feeling.

[Blossom]

Stretch.

[Amica Mota]

Relax your bum. Relax your bum.

[Anna Sussman]

Okay.

[Emiko]

She'S going to slip by. She's going to slip on by.

[Blossom]

Okay. Okay.

[Emiko]

Just gently slip by.

[Blossom]

There you go.

[Serle]

I remember thinking that I wish I could take her pain away. It's like, whatever I can do to make it better for her. My mom bent over, and I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. What do I do? Like, you kind of don't. Like, I did not know what to do, really. I was trying to feed my mom popsicles.

[Anna Sussman]

And.

[Serle]

Smudging her down. And she was beautiful.

[Blossom]

My husband and Blossom and myself, we all touched her head as she was coming out.

[Serle]

So, yeah, she was in the tub, and we were all. We were all just watching her and saw her little head poke out. There she goes. There she goes.

[Blossom]

But Blossom was the first one to have hands on little Gloria and lift.

[Emiko]

Her up to our chest.

[Serle]

And I caught her. She finally came out, and I caught.

[Amica Mota]

Her.

[Serle]

And I handed her to my mom.

[Amica Mota]

It was a very full circle moment on so many levels. Blossom was my baby before Gloria, right? And she was the youngest. And so it was her first experience of, like, being at a birth, catching a baby, which has always been something that I thought a kid should experience. Like, I felt like I had given her a bit of a cycle that a daughter deserves, right? To understand birth and death closely.

[Serle]

And, you know, as my mom says, like, the one that's there at the gate, they're passing through as an honor. Like, I feel like. I feel like I was really, really lucky to be the one to catch Gloria and to be the one to be there with my grandma as she passed on.

[Emiko]

What I envisioned the whole time I was in prison, about how I would reconcile with my kids. I envisioned myself being there for them all the time.

[Jose]

I envisioned myself, like, giving them a.

[Emiko]

Lot of love to make up for.

[Jose]

All these years that I'd been gone. And I envisioned myself setting example of.

[Emiko]

The new person I would be when I came home.

[Jose]

I can say I can do one of those, and it's set an example.

[Amica Mota]

It's like, how do you pass on and translate, especially when you've been removed and interrupted, you know, your relationship? And so this was all those things without speaking a word.

[Emiko]

They said to do it.

[Blossom]

The community we lived in, that was what they wanted us to do when the baby was born, was they asked Boston, please come ring the bell so people could pay their respects.

[Amica Mota]

And that was how we got to announce to our people that she had made her way and that she was there. We had so much joy and we were celebrating Gloria and we sure did tell the world that she was here and we had just did that.

[Blossom]

You know, I mean, ringing a bell.

[Anna Sussman]

Is like the opposite of shame.

[Amica Mota]

That is so real. That is so real. If I didn't rise up a bit out of that, the shame or the looking back and regret, I couldn't have done what I did. Like I could not have. I couldn't have parented them in the ways that I did when I got out. If I didn't believe I was doing the right thing, if I didn't believe that I was worthy of being their mother or a new child's mother, right. Like I had to decide that I was worthy of, of living my life again.

[Anna Sussman]

Follow Fire Escape on the Wondery app, Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to episodes early and ad free by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify or on Amazon Music with your prime membership. Fire Escape is a production of Snap Studios and Wondry. We want to thank Amika Mota for sharing her story with us. We have the stories of four more incarcerated firefighters in our bonus episodes. You'll also hear from some special guests in those episodes including Anna Sale of Death, Sex and Money, Earlonne woods of Ear Hustle, New York Times Best Selling author, Stephanie Fu and Suki Lewis from On Our Watch. Fire Escape was created, written and produced by me, Anna Sussman for Snap Studios. Our senior story editors are Mark Ristich and Nancy Lopez. Marissa Dodge is our director of production. Original music by Renzel Gorio and Doug Stewart. Doug Stewart also created our theme song. Sound design and engineering by Miles Lassie for Wondry. Our senior story editor is Phyllis Fletcher. Our Development producer is Eliza Mills. Claire Chambers, Lauren D And Mandy Gorenstein are our senior producers and Sarah Mathis is our Managing producer. Our Executive producers for Snap Studios are Glenn Washington and Mark Ristich. Executive producers for Wondry are Marshall Louie, Morgan Jones, George Lavender and Jen Sargent. Special thanks to Adeza Egan and Katherine Steyer Martinez, Pat Mesiti Miller and the San Francisco Fire Department.