Ari Shaffir Talks Dating, Vasectomy & Bad Decisions | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Ari Shaffir Talks Dating, Vasectomy & Bad Decisions"

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton (YMH Studios)
Host: Lauren Compton
Guest: Ari Shaffir
Date: May 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "First Date," comedian and content creator Lauren Compton sits down with Ari Shaffir, a fellow stand-up comic known for his sharp wit and unfiltered storytelling. The conversation traverses pregnancy cravings, the realities of sex during pregnancy, Ari’s experiences with vasectomy and questionable post-surgery decisions, reflections from travel in South America, and candid insights about relationships, vulnerability, dating "icks," and why both sexes are capable of making hilariously bad choices. Ari also teases his new storytelling show, "The End." The banter is fast-paced, irreverent, and at times heartfelt—true to both comedians’ comedic styles.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pregnancy, Cravings, and Life Changes

• Lauren’s Pregnancy: Lauren shares her ongoing pregnancy and shifting cravings—from fruit during her first pregnancy to “plain Rice Krispies with whole milk” this time.
  • “Oh my gosh. I could just. I could eat a whole box of it.” (A, 01:36)
• Cravings & Bodies: Ari compares pregnancy cravings to drug-induced munchies and reveals his wild “everything bagel with peanut butter and cereal” concoction from an antidepressant that caused hyperphagia.
  • “The side effect…was hyperphasia. It means the inability to feel full.” (B, 02:14)

2. Sex & Parenthood Humor

• Pregnancy Sex: Both discuss the physical and emotional realities, with Lauren joking, “He just tells me it feels like fucking Buddha” (A, 04:39).
• Ari’s Story with Pregnant Woman: Ari candidly recounts a sexual experience with a pregnant woman, including being surprised by unexpected “boob spray.”
  • “The only part that was really different…was not ready for the spray.” (B, 06:33)
  • “She was like, I’m really sorry. I’m like, I don’t care. I love when women think like, ‘oh, that’s the end of it.’” (B, 07:22)

3. Dating "Icks" and Dealbreakers

• Both muse on what would actually stop sex in progress, with Lauren joking, “If I’m having sex with someone and they’re like, I just want you to know, by the way, I’m homeless…I would be like, you gotta stop, get off me, and get out.” (A, 09:04)
• Ari’s musings: “Toenails painted? What dumb fucks women are that think we give a shit about toenails.” (B, 07:41)

4. Parenting & Sibling Dynamics

• Sibling Relationships: Lauren wants her kids close in age to be friends; Ari jokes about only children being "weirdos."
• Rich Kids: Both riff about rejecting “Austin trash” and joke about “boarding school friends.” (B, 13:49)

5. City & Career Moves

• Ari critiques Austin’s cultural trajectory, saying, “It's hit menopause…Tech took over, which is the death of a city. And influencers took over.” (B, 14:48)
• He discusses a missed move to London for a podcast opportunity in New York: “...the chair opened up [on Legion of Skanks] … it's always been a dream of mine...” (B, 15:57)

6. Ari’s South American Sabbatical

• Ari shares his digital detox—“didn’t have my email with me…got a new phone, didn’t transfer anything”—which led to a strict “no phone with people” rule.
  • “I just have a hard rule for myself. This is rude. It’s rude to most of your dating now.” (B, 18:53)
• Gratefulness for comforts of home—running water, middle-class wealth, and candidly, “we have friends.” (B, 19:43)

7. Power Dynamics, Punctuality & “Third Date” Rules

• Ari deadpans about showing up late as part of the “power dynamic” of dating:
  • “There’s a power dynamic that goes on on dates and you should be aware…You are—what’s the metaphor? A Playboy model. That’s the metaphor. So you have the power in this. I have to take some power back and keep you waiting.” (B, 23:23)
• Lauren corrects Ari’s claims about this being their "third date," highlighting past appearances and viral moments, including the “Dolly Parton” and “cuck” clips. (A, 22:26)

8. Most Romantic Gestures

• Ari: “I like surprises in general.” He remembers a significant other painting him a themed artwork (B, 25:19) and fans gifting him mushrooms at shows (B, 24:52).
• Lauren: Little is revealed, but discussion flows into postpartum realities and the comedic indignities of motherhood.

9. Postpartum Life & Motherhood

• Lauren describes postpartum hair loss and the humor in breastfeeding mishaps (A, 26:58), and how toddlers act during “the witching hour”—their bedtime meltdown (A, 30:32).
• Parallels are drawn between toddler and adult male tantrums:
  • “He is so much better after a nap.” (A, 31:52)
  • “If he’s like adult men, a little belly rub after that would really go a long way.” (B, 32:09)

10. Vasectomy, Bad Decisions & Gendered Foolishness

• Ari opens up about his decision for a vasectomy:
  • “I knew I didn’t want [kids]… I kept doing a joke about getting a vasectomy and…I recorded it, I’m like, all right, it’s time.” (B, 39:25)
• Wild post-vasectomy confession: having unprotected sex while still fertile—“I blasted away inside…What a dumb.” (B, 41:07)
• Lauren notes that “women can be dumb too”—having assumed pregnancy would take longer, but got pregnant instantly the second time (A, 41:53).

11. The New Show: "The End"

• Ari’s newest project is a storytelling show featuring comics like Tony Hinchcliffe, Colum Tyrell, Roy Wood Jr., and Sam Tallent. Lauren gets offered a $2-off discount code (B, 29:41).
  • “My storytelling show’s out now…I can’t. I don’t want a network to own my stuff anymore.” (B, 35:29)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On odd pregnancy cravings:

  • “Plain Rice Krispies cereal. With whole milk. Oh, my gosh. I could just—I could eat a whole box of it.” (Lauren, 01:36)

• On bodily realities:

  • “My first girlfriend, armpit hair. So I’m immune now.” (Ari, 08:12)

• On the power dynamic in dating:

  • “You are…a Playboy model. That’s the metaphor. So you have the power in this. I have to take some power back and keep you waiting.” (Ari, 23:23)

• Relating toddlers and adult men:

  • “He is so much better after a nap.” (Lauren, 31:52)
  • “If he’s like adult men, a little belly rub after that would really go a long way.” (Ari, 32:09)

• On post-vasectomy recklessness:

  • “I had a vasectomy and then I took a chance on a stranger…What a dumb.” (Ari, 41:07)

• On art as romance:

  • “I got painted a painting once, like a real painting by a high level painter…” (Ari, 25:19)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:13 – Intro banter, Ari’s new show plug, playful third date jokes
• 01:13–02:46 – Pregnancy cravings and Ari’s wild appetite tales
• 04:07–07:11 – Sex during pregnancy, lactation surprise story
• 08:02–09:09 – Dealbreakers during sex ("ick" moments)
• 12:00–14:19 – Sibling dynamics and parenting philosophies
• 14:25–16:19 – Austin’s demise, Ari’s near-move to London, Legion of Skanks
• 17:24–19:35 – Ari on South American travel and digital detoxing
• 22:26–24:52 – Past viral date clips, power dynamics
• 25:19–26:34 – Most romantic gestures received and given
• 26:58–28:33 – Postpartum body humor, breastfeeding
• 30:32–32:45 – Toddler "witching hour," parallels with adult men
• 39:09–41:39 – Vasectomy, post-op bad decisions
• 41:44–42:12 – Lauren’s “bad decision,” surprise second pregnancy
• 29:02–35:52 – Ari’s storytelling show, “The End,” and its guest comics

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Tone & Style

The conversation is consistently candid, irreverent, and peppered with inside jokes, comic exaggerations, and both affectionate and self-deprecating humor. Both Lauren and Ari are quick with punchlines that reveal the absurdities and vulnerabilities of dating, relationships, and parenting.

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Useful Takeaways

• Ari Shaffir continues to be unfiltered about the highs and lows (and bodily fluids) of dating and sex, advocating for self-awareness and presence in relationships.
• Lauren Compton offers both comic and real talk about the realities of pregnancy and modern motherhood.
• The banter makes this episode engaging for both fans of raunchy comedy and those interested in unvarnished talk about personal growth, parenting, and the weirdness of intimacy.
• Ari’s new storytelling show, “The End,” is worth a look for fans of comedic, long-form narrative.

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For fans of comedy who like their conversations real, unfiltered, and full of heart beneath the sarcasm, this episode is a must-listen.

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date.

[B]

I can't wait.

[A]

First date. What is up, you guys? Welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a fabulous standup comic who has a new storytelling show coming out. I guess it's not new. It's called the End.

[B]

It's out.

[A]

It's out now and it's the end. Yeah, it is the end. And it'[e-mail] give it up for Ari Shafir.

[B]

Thank you. And thank you for giving me a third date. And we know what third date means.

[A]

You're gonna catch the baby.

[B]

I. What? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna rub afterbirth all over me and, like, let's get going. Oh, thank you.

[A]

What is this for?

[B]

Oh, my dear, I. Oops. I need an opener.

[A]

That is not a twist off.

[B]

It's not a twist off.

[A]

I know a twist off when I see one.

[B]

I figured we'd have a nice, nice date.

[A]

Oh, that's what it means as we drink wine. I can't have wine. I can't have alcohol.

[B]

Listen, listen.

[A]

You're gonna drink for the both of us. I'll eat for the both of us.

[B]

Okay, great. What cravings have you had?

[A]

Oh, you know, my first one, I didn't crave anything but, like, fruit. Really? Like, I wanted pineapple and stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This one. Cereal.

[B]

Cereal, which you're not normally into.

[A]

No, no, but I like, like, plain Rice Krispies cereal. With whole milk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I could just. I could eat a whole box of it.

[B]

What is that? What is the craving stuff? What is that supposed to be from?

[A]

You know what they say is that it's your body in a deficit of needing some kind of nourishment. Cereal is not the thing to fill it. But that's just what sounds the best to me.

[B]

Garcon, take care of it. I have a fine lady here. Fuck you doing, man? I ordered your second second less expensive bottle of wine for a reason.

[A]

I know you're not pregnant, but do you ever have cravings?

[B]

Yeah, I get high. I assume it's pretty similar.

[A]

What do you crave when you get high?

[B]

One time I was taking depression medication and the side effect of this one, it was like some 80s one was hyperphasia. It means it was the inability to feel full.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah, and the doctor was like, you could expect to gain about 20 of your body weight.

[A]

Did you?

[B]

Yeah, but worth it, really. So once you eat everything that is there to eat in the house. Do you be like, let's make whatever's left over. Let's just add them. It'd be like. I remember it was a everything bagel with peanut butter and cereal.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Yeah, great. Whatever.

[A]

That sounds so good.

[B]

You should get up. You should get Terry to do one. Make it up. Make it up, Terry. It's Mark. I thought his name was Black. Or is it Black Terry?

[A]

Terry, Blacks. But Terry is.

[B]

I thought there was a white Terry and he's Black Terry.

[A]

Ew. No.

[B]

All right, my dear.

[A]

I can't drink it.

[B]

You can at least look at it.

[A]

Oh, God. That's like opening a bag of chips and me being like, oh, I'm on a diet. And you being like, you can still smell. Smell the salt chips. Did you bring this wine?

[B]

Yeah. This is the finest from the Bordeaux du Fat. It's. The Chateau de Pig Fuck over here.

[A]

I didn't even see the back of the bottle. That is awesome.

[B]

Is that Fat Tom in there? Yeah, fatter.

[A]

No, it's.

[B]

I hate this new radish Tom.

[A]

He's skinny.

[B]

Gross.

[A]

How did he get so skinny?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Well, he didn't take your depression medicine.

[B]

No. No, he did not. How you feeling?

[A]

I feel good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My back's starting to hurt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I can't get comfortable in bed.

[B]

Can't get comfortable in bed.

[A]

But everything else is fine.

[B]

Are you. No. Maybe I'll save this question for later in the day. Are you doing it?

[A]

Having sex?

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

Is that.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm tuned up today. I know what it is. Full of mate and gump. What? Yeah. Are you doing it?

[A]

Yeah, I'm keeping him around. I can't say it's a beautiful sight to see.

[B]

Yeah. It's like a teeter totter where you're like.

[A]

Yeah. He just tells me it feels like fucking Buddha.

[B]

What does that mean? Of the belly? Yeah, it feels like that.

[A]

It looks like that.

[B]

Enlightenment. He means. That's what he means.

[A]

Yeah. He's getting enlightened. Yeah. He's having a spiritual experience.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. No. Two bellies bumping together.

[B]

Have you. Is he. Acho.

[A]

He's gonna hate this answer. You know, I'm not the only one who gains weight in pregnancy.

[B]

Whoa. Let's start calling him Peterry.

[A]

He's. I think we'll all go on a diet at the same time.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I had. Thank you for having me back again.

[A]

Cheers.

[B]

Cheers. Here's how you don't get a forte.

[A]

I could burp with sparkling water.

[B]

I Did a lot of water.

[A]

I'm turning him slowly turning into Christina.

[B]

It's weird.

[A]

What is?

[B]

Pregnant lady sex.

[A]

All right. Have you had it?

[B]

Yeah, It's a lady from before. I did a bit about her on a special. A friend of mine got pregnant off a Tinder date, so I started especially when it was her. It was a Tinder date, so she didn't stick with a guy. But then she was like. We used to hook up. She's like, would you be interested? I'm like, yes.

[A]

How far along was she?

[B]

You or more. Wow. She was like seven. And I mean, big belly.

[A]

Yeah. And what'd you think?

[B]

The only part that was really different. If she's on top, it's fine. It's like, all right. It's a different smooth belly. But I've, you know, I porkers before, so it's not like it's that. It's actually nicer, to be honest. It holds together. It's like, I'd rather, you know, I'd rather.

[A]

It's more cushion for the pushing. Right.

[B]

Yeah. They all have burp bellies pushed out smooth, you know. But the. Was not ready for the spray.

[A]

Spray?

[B]

The boob spray. It happened halfway through. Yeah, Right.

[A]

She was already lactating.

[B]

Yeah, I guess so. Did she go like, it might have been eight months? No, we were just like, I do it. I.

[A]

You squeezed it.

[B]

I just hard. So it's like, you know, stuff happens. And it was like, ugh. Yeah. It was just our natural, normal sex that became this, like.

[A]

Did you taste it?

[B]

I was just kind of like.

[A]

And you just kept going?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, something must have come into my mouth,

[A]

but. Yeah. That is so crazy.

[B]

She was like, I'm really sorry. I'm like, I don't care. I love when women think like, oh, that's the end of it. Like, what are you talking about? We're lucky to get in. That's not what we care about. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I didn't shave my legs. Fucking what?

[A]

No one cares. Your toenails aren't painted. No one's.

[B]

A photo shoot. Toenails painted? What dumb fucks women are that think we give a shit about toenails being painted? You could have my big toe as all your toenails, and I'd be fine. I'd be like, no, it's gross, but it's not gonna slow us down.

[A]

Is there anything about a woman that can turn you off a dick?

[B]

That's number one.

[A]

Okay, fair.

[B]

That one is. Has always made me like, Second guess myself. My choices. No, I'm wondering what can.

[A]

Armpit hair.

[B]

My first girlfriend, armpit hair. So I'm immune now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So now I'm like, it's fine. Bo is like, I was just about to say, I won't love it, but it won't make me stop. But you're not talking about, like, regular Musky. I'm not talking about, like, Irani mom got to take her burk off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I mean, like, just a regular American bo.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll fight through that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What about you? What would make you.

[A]

What are my icks?

[B]

No, no, not just X. Okay? There's always X. Like, preferences. I mean, like, what would make you stop? And I'm not just saying I'm not gonna let you inside. I'm like, they've already been inside. And now it's. Stop it. We're done. What can make you do that? So it's already happened. You've already added to your number.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And now you're like. Now you see this new thing. Oh, you have a hamster.

[A]

I find out that he's homeless.

[B]

Find out that he's homeless midway through,

[A]

If I'm. If I'm having sex with someone and they're like, I just want you to know, by the way, I'm homeless. I don't have anywhere to live. I am homeless. I would be like, you gotta stop, get off me, and get out. And get out back to the streets with you.

[B]

Damn. He's like, but that's the one moment I had where I wasn't homeless. I had.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you imagine He's.

[A]

What do I look like?

[B]

He's like, oh, yeah, fair. But he's like, I love your doors so much.

[A]

It's so crazy. The ceiling. Crazy.

[B]

And this light. How does light stay on? Is that sun? Is that sun at night?

[A]

Yeah, like.

[B]

No, that's a light.

[A]

Homeless.

[B]

Oh, homeless. Yeah. Wouldn't stop. Wouldn't stop. Most dudes. Hot homeless lady. I had one in my neighborhood. Hot homeless lady.

[A]

I. Oh, my gosh. I called the police on a topless homeless lady the other day.

[B]

She's too hot to be topless.

[A]

No, she was too ugly to be topless. Nobody needed to see that. I did. I called 91 1. I called 911, and I told them, I said, I just want to be anonymous. There's a topless homeless lady on the corner of this and this, and someone needs to go put a shirt on her. And they were like, can you describe what she looks like? And I was like, she had saggy boobs. Trust me, you won't miss her.

[B]

Like, kind of a B, maybe C cup.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How much description?

[A]

Blue jeans. And so they went. And I'm sure I was like. I could just imagine the whole police station being like, I got it. I got this one. I'm going.

[B]

I'm going. And again, like, I was mistaken. I don't know what I was hoping for.

[A]

Yeah, they're all fighting over this one.

[B]

I saw a homeless lady that. That was. Had toe top on. And I was walking by somewhere in midtown, and I was like, lady, put a shirt on. She's like, I don't have one. I'm like, what? No, I was like. It was just like. So I was like, take. Take this. I gave her my shirt. She was like, what do you want? I'm like, I want you not to be topless. Daytime in midtown.

[A]

Yeah, but that's like. It's also, like, real rich coming from a Playboy model.

[B]

Yeah. You know, don't be topless.

[A]

I mean, when they asked me, like, what my name was, I was like, oh, I can't tell you that. All I needed was someone to Google me and be like, this is a topless model.

[B]

But not just any. Yeah, top. Yeah, top. Topless model. Yeah.

[A]

I'm like. I'm supposed to be, like, supporting nudity and, like, women's freedom. And here I am calling 1, 1, 1. Go make this girl put some clothes on.

[B]

Hi, I'm Lauren Compton. Look. Look me up. I'm just telling you what she's doing with her top, and I'm an expert. It's not right.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's hurting people. It's offending people, and children are seeing that. Yeah. That's what I've been doing lately.

[B]

That's what you've been doing.

[A]

That's what I've been up to.

[B]

Did you stay and watch and make sure they came?

[A]

No, I had. I had a screaming, crying child in the back seat, or I would have.

[B]

You had your first. You tried to do it again. You weren't like. Did you go through a period of going like, I don't want to do this ever again? And then lose that and go, oh, actually, maybe I'll have another one?

[A]

No, I knew I was gonna have a second one, but I didn't think it would be so soon.

[B]

How. How old's the other one?

[A]

14 months.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

So they'll be 18 months apart, two years apart, two under two.

[B]

It's both.

[A]

Am I out of my mind?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. One is crazy.

[A]

Two is gonna be crazier. But. But my hope is that when they're like 3ish or whatever, that they become friends and want to go play with themselves.

[B]

I'd do that,

[A]

you know? Do you have any brothers or sisters?

[B]

Oh, I thought we were just talking about playing with ourselves. Oh, yeah, I got three.

[A]

Did you play with them?

[B]

Yeah. I'm really close to my brother. And the other ones, we're talking about this, where it's like, only children are, like. They're strange because they entertain themselves, and they grew up entertaining themselves. You. Yeah. You're a weirdo.

[A]

I'm such a weirdo.

[B]

Most people drink when they're pregnant.

[A]

I had to be.

[B]

It's day three, Lauren, and I expect a certain thing on day three.

[A]

My mom was my best friend.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I didn't have anybody else. Dude, I don't like. I can't handle that life. I'm gonna need my kids to have friends with their siblings and, like, y' all go color and do stuff.

[B]

You know what? They also could be friends with friends. They can make friends.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But you're rich now, so you're like, you're not being friends with any of these Austin trash.

[A]

They'll make friends in boarding school.

[B]

Yeah. Make friends. Yeah. When you get your military outfit, you'll be friends then. My husband killed Franklin. You better believe he will not be friends with trash.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

I imagine the barbecue wars and them actually jousting with, like, throwing brisket at each other.

[A]

She's like, ah, yeah. It's an expensive war.

[B]

Yeah, it is expensive. It really is. Yeah.

[A]

So the last time I saw you, you told me you were moving.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you still planning on moving to London?

[B]

Yeah, that might be on hold now because of today.

[A]

It's dreary weather.

[B]

Because what?

[A]

Today is pretty dreary weather.

[B]

Well, no, I don't live here. I would never live here.

[A]

Oh,

[B]

no. Yeah. Guys, this is a dying city.

[A]

You think that Austin's a dying city?

[B]

Really got life, but it's on its way down.

[A]

You think?

[B]

Yeah. It's hit menopause because of the.

[A]

It's Demi Moore topless homeless woman.

[B]

It's trash. It become too much. Tech took over, which is the death of a city. And influencers took over.

[A]

What about comedy, though?

[B]

Comedy's going great, but you're talking to a dead city. When comedy was great in New York, it was in the West Village. That was degenerates. It Was Pollock walking around. And people are doing crazy shit and drugs and real dirtbag stuff. People doing things. Sixth street, the beginning of trans. Nah. Sixth Street's a kind of trash version of that. There's no art there. It's on its way down. People are leaving. It's still got a lot left in the tank, but it's over the hump and moving down.

[A]

So you think real estate's gonna get cheaper?

[B]

Yeah, it's already dropping. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Why?

[A]

So what about London? I don't know. I'm always just wondering.

[B]

Well, London is on hold now.

[A]

Why is London on hold?

[B]

London's like New York. It'll always be there. You know, it's.

[A]

Where are you gonna live?

[B]

I think I'm gonna stay in New York. I got an opportunity to do something that I didn't think would come up, and it did, and I had to be like, I try to shift with stuff.

[A]

Can I now?

[B]

Yeah. The one of the hosts of the Legion of Skanks was killed by the Israeli Intelligence Agency, and the chair opened up. That part's a joke, but the chair opened up is true. And it's always been a dream of mine to be on that podcast. So. Wow, London's not happening.

[A]

Where is that happening? That's in New York.

[B]

It's in New York? Yeah.

[A]

That'd be fun.

[B]

Every Monday and Friday night, hang. What? Yeah, it's fun. It's a fun podcast.

[A]

That would be cool.

[B]

Yeah. How was you? Well, you're not moving. Right. What would make you ship? What would make you. Well, it's too late for. Yeah.

[A]

I hate how you just answered three of your own questions. Weren't those mine?

[B]

What?

[A]

I said, weren't those my questions? And then you answered them all.

[B]

I was like, what would make you move? But moves on your plan? And then. And then my other thoughts that I. I mean, I. I'm just not gonna. Whatever. It was, like, what would make you shift? Then my mind went to what would make you shift off a current transition.

[A]

Ari, you're not speaking English, bro.

[B]

So my first thought was, let's compare it to you. So what would make you not move? But then you're not moving.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So my next thought was. Would go. What would make you shift off a trajectory you already had, which is what I had.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I go, well, your trajectory now is having a child, so shift off that. Oh, I don't wanna say that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I wanna be. I want you to need me to be here to have a conversation.

[B]

Yeah, fair.

[A]

So you're moving to New York. Oh, that's what I was gonna say. The last time that I saw you, you had just gotten back from traveling across South America.

[B]

Yeah, I saw you in the hallways at YMH Studios. A lot of people don't understand this. The hallways of YMH Studios are a lot like the ESPN commercials where it's just mascots run into people. Ray Romano's out here just like, happy slappies, you know, all these old comics and podcasters. Marc Maron's in the garage.

[A]

Yeah, I just, like, ran into you in the hallway.

[B]

Yeah, I just gotten back, and you

[A]

had just gotten back. How was it?

[B]

So refreshing and freeing on my mind.

[A]

What did you do out there?

[B]

Well, a lot of it's what I didn't do, which was I didn't have my email with me. Didn't have access to it. And then I got a new phone, didn't transfer anything, and got a new phone number. So I didn't have any contacts either. So I just kind of got lost.

[A]

Is that what you wanted to do?

[B]

Yeah, that's what I wanted.

[A]

And then what happened?

[B]

And then my mind started working overdrive.

[A]

Did you do ayahuasca?

[B]

Not this time. I've done it before down there in the Amazon, but not this time.

[A]

So you just.

[B]

So I had some mushroom trips and a couple, you know, run ins with some Australians, if you know what I mean.

[A]

But you had a good time?

[B]

I had a great time.

[A]

Did you learn anything?

[B]

What did I learn? Yeah, I mean, you know. Yeah. Some life lessons I want to take with me that are like, I'm not on my phone anymore when I'm around anyone. I just have a hard rule for myself. I real. I saw it once. Clear. I'm like, this is rude. It's rude to most of your dating now. You dated in the. In the cell phone era, right? Mostly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know, when you're on somebody's like, oh, sorry. Okay, sorry. Puts it back away. Like, what was that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Rude.

[A]

Unless something is, like, really going down.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, hey, my mom's in the hospital, so I'm gonna have to keep it on. But you would have to tell someone that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, or it's like, oh, shit, it's the Cowboys. I'm gonna keep looking at the score.

[A]

But you're right. Like, otherwise, if you're in a room with people and you're just on your phone, it seems like you wanna be left alone.

[B]

Yeah. And so if you're gonna do that, go Excuse yourself. We're all here. So even taking out for a second. So I don't do it anymore. I'm around anyone I know or even strangers that are talking to me. I'm just like, no, that's cool. Yeah, it helps keep me present a little bit.

[A]

That's a good lesson to stay present.

[B]

Mm. And then I just learned how fucking great we got it here.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Just brush my teeth with tap water. Yeah. Everybody. There's the level of wealth here. I have friends that own vineyards, you know, Like. Like, yeah. The level of wealth here is. It's crazy. Like the middle class and lower middle class people here would like, wow. People in this. In the spots I went to.

[A]

Really? So you went to like a lot. A lot of places that had bad poverty?

[B]

Yeah, it's standard. Like, okay poverty. Like, nobody's like, the fuck, we gotta get out of this. It was like, this is just the way of life.

[A]

Were they happy?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, there's that too. Where you learned. I learned a little bit of like, what's important. Yeah, I know this is sounds really gay, to be honest. This is like, it doesn't sound gay.

[A]

That's what I was curious to know.

[B]

I mean, like, you got me last time on such a not funny clip. I'm so mad.

[A]

What was.

[B]

I spent a lifetime trying to build up a heel Persona and you exposed a chink in my armor. No offense, Niana, but in this barrier I've built around me and you made me a fucking hero to single ladies.

[A]

What did I. What was the clip?

[B]

Some romantic thing about me taking a chick to a Dolly Parton concert. Oh, if he can, he would. Ladies. I learned so much lingo. Marcella. We were laughing about it. He was like, it came up again. It keeps popping up. Like any clip now. And he goes, if these women knew how disgusting you were in real life, they would not be saying if he. Kenny would. Yeah. So I don't wanna get too serious as a comic, but yeah. I don't know, it's just like, nice what we have here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We have friends and we live in an industry even more so than. Than, you know, other people where you can like take. Take off on a weekday.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I keep a fine bitch waiting for me for 35 minutes and it's not a problem.

[A]

Rude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was walking out the door.

[B]

I know. I told them, you should. I was like, I got out at 3:20, I'm in the middle of nowhere and this isn't coming. Tell it, Elise.

[A]

You're late every single time. The first time you were three hours late.

[B]

No, the second time I was three hours late. First time we had a nice little thing. I thought, this is day three. Is this day two?

[A]

This is day two. No, this is the second date.

[B]

Really?

[A]

You've only been on one other time and you were three hours late because

[B]

you were hanging out with Joe Rogan. Wait, that was the one. I blame him. I said, I have to be here at one o'. Clock. He goes, I gotcha. You were like four hours down the road.

[A]

We went and we were shooting guns and we were like writing stuff.

[B]

I'm sorry. Shooting guns. Wait, wait, wait. That. I thought that was the second time.

[A]

That was the first time. You've only been on one other time.

[B]

Is that. Is that facts? Look that up.

[A]

And then you had the Dolly Parton clip. And then the other clip that made you go viral was the one where I asked if you get jealous easily. And you were like, no, hardly. Not at all.

[B]

Hardly. Not at all. Yeah, that's true.

[A]

And then everyone said that you do that.

[B]

I'm a cuck.

[A]

It's because he did First Date Live. That's why he thinks it was three. So he did technically.

[B]

Do that count as a three shows,

[A]

I would say that counts as a date.

[B]

So this is the put out date, Lauren.

[A]

Okay, we're drinking wine. So I guess I should be grateful you're only 30 minutes late. Cause you were not late to First Date Live.

[B]

I was not late. No, no, no. I respect the live audience more than anything. But Lauren, I don't know if you know this. There's a power dynamic that goes on on dates and you should be aware of if you want. I'm not doing Andrew Tate stuff. One of Tom Segura's heroes. I'm not talking about that. I'm just saying there's power dynamic and when there's. The dynamic has shifted very hard in one direction. You gotta shift it back some. You are. What's the metaphor? A Playboy model. That's the metaphor. So you have the power in this. I have to take some power back and keep you waiting.

[A]

I was a Playboy model.

[B]

I was literally today waiting outside until you got ready to leave. And then I said, I'm here.

[A]

You're a dick.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

well, besides that. Showing up 30 minutes late.

[B]

Yeah. What is the bottle and send it back. That's a secret.

[A]

What's the most romantic thing you've done lately? Oh, since I've seen you.

[B]

I like surprises in general. You surprise people like to show up when you shouldn't and say I haven't prepared. I'm never gonna beat that romantic one. You gotta give me another question. That one's done. I'm never gonna be able to top that.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because that was the ultimate man. And that was out of the. I could have said something. I went with that one. It's never gonna be okay.

[A]

What's the most romantic thing someone's ever done for you?

[B]

Ooh, this pregnant lady sprayed milk in my face once. Ooh, yeah. No, let me think. God, I don't know. What would. What would I really want? What did I. What. What's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me? Damn. I don't know. I don't really think of that.

[A]

Do people do romantic things for you?

[B]

The fans get me drugs. That's like, not romantic, but it's thoughtful. A lot of times at shows, I'm walking off a stage and someone will just hand me like a rolled up newspaper and I'm like, what is that? And then it's just a thing of mushrooms. That's kind of romantic.

[A]

Have any of your exes done anything that's very memorable?

[B]

Yeah, for sure. But I. Oh, God, I'm a pothead and I don't.

[A]

What do you love about pothead?

[B]

Oh, no, I know. I got painted a painting once, like a real painting by a high level painter.

[A]

Painted you?

[B]

No, painted me. A painting that was, like, thematically me.

[A]

Was it cool?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I love art of all kinds.

[A]

Oh, that's cool.

[B]

So I appreciated it on so many different levels.

[A]

You look like someone who loves art.

[B]

What do you mean? This looks like someone who likes art. And this looks like someone who invests in art. Let's do this for the rest. I went to an orthodox Jewish wedding the other day and I put these on just out of respect.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. That's so funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's crazy how that's just built in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. You don't even have to try that hard. You know what? I bet with my postpartum hair, I could do it too.

[B]

What's postpartum hair? Isn't partum.

[A]

Postpartum is like, when your hair just breaks.

[B]

You get that?

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding?

[B]

Yes. Nice. Could you Photoshop one of those black hats on her?

[A]

I've straightened my hair so it won't stay very long.

[B]

Wait, stay still. Take the mic away from your face for a second. Okay, now look at the camera. Photoshop. Photoshop her with a hasidic black hat. I'll Allow it. Okay, that was enough time. Nice.

[A]

Yeah. Postpartum hair sucks. I get all these, like, broken pieces of hair where they used to be just long and beautiful and go all the way down to my nipples.

[B]

Breaks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't know you had nipples. Yeah. Prove it.

[A]

You know the spraying milk in the face thing?

[B]

Yeah. Have you.

[A]

I've only sprayed milk in the face to my son. But. But I let it happen. And I felt mean, but it was funny.

[B]

You saw he was going to squeeze.

[A]

I was breastfeeding him. And they go through this phase where they rip their mouth off your nipple. I don't know what it is. I don't know why, but babies do that. They're eating, and I think it's a way for them to show you that they're done. But they just. They just rip it right off while

[B]

they're still kind of biting.

[A]

They're not. It's not a bite because they don't have teeth, but they're sucking on it. Yeah. And it's like this.

[B]

And.

[A]

Yeah, it's like a suction cup going, like, real hard off. And so, because he was eating my milk continued to spray, and it just went all over his face. And I just let it happen for, like, five seconds. And I'm like, that's what you get, you little bastard. And then I shut it off.

[B]

Oh, it keeps going.

[A]

That's what I was saying. It was, like, still going. It's like he opened the faucet and the faucet was still on.

[B]

How do you shut it off?

[A]

You could just close. You just hold it for a second.

[B]

Women's bodies are crazy, but I love it. I was like, I'm King Kong.

[A]

I thought it was so funny.

[B]

That is funny.

[A]

He had all this white all over his face, and I was like, oh,

[B]

your husband came and was like, what happens? Like, I don't know. That's so fun. Was he like.

[A]

Yeah, he was.

[B]

He was like, nice. Put him in his place because it,

[A]

like, got in his eyes. I'm like, bet you won't do that again.

[B]

He did, right?

[A]

Of course. I don't care.

[B]

I do that, too. Like, you're not quite done sucking, but you're done, but your mouth is, like, not listening.

[A]

But anyway.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell me about this show that you're doing.

[B]

Storytelling show. Yeah, just comics telling stories, like that kind of thing.

[A]

What's the best story that gets told? Who tells it?

[B]

That's the tough. That is really tough on this season of the end, the only season. It's the end. But on this season of my storytelling show, there's multiple seasons of that. Tony Hcliff tells a great one. Colum Tyrell has a really great one. Roywood Jr. Is Pat.

[A]

Okay, out of those three, who has the best one maybe column. Really?

[B]

Yeah. Sam Talent. You guys all like Sam Talents, right? Yeah.

[A]

I wanna watch it.

[B]

Yeah, watch it. I'll give you a $2 off discount code.

[A]

Thank you. I send you free Terry Blacks.

[B]

You did send me free Terry Blacks for my whole family killed. What a gift. Oh, my God. The hookup on that. And plus my Jewish family, like, how much was this? I'm like, actually, it was a hookup was free. They're like, we like it more now. They love that you got a hookup. They love that so much more. It's crazy. It's crazy.

[A]

So I get a $2 off discount.

[B]

Yeah, I'll get your $2 off. Get her two $2 off ones. They applied separately.

[A]

That's the most Jewish thing I think has ever happened to me.

[B]

No, I'll let you watch it. It is 4:30 if you have to.

[A]

I do have to go.

[B]

How you feeling right now?

[A]

I feel good. I have to go home to my son who's having a witching hour.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

A witching hour Happens in the later part of the gig.

[B]

Feud. Yeah. What's a witching hour? No, Mateo Lane has these all the time.

[A]

It's just meltdown mode.

[B]

Oh, you're making fun of it.

[A]

It's a meltdown mode. And he just becomes very clingy and wants to be held. And he's hard to manage. It's hard for one person to manage. This crazy little drunk uncle lunatic who's having, like, spitfire, like, just angry and mad and, like, wants to go outside and play, but it's raining and he's

[B]

so I want it.

[A]

And then he wants to jump in the pool, but he hates to swim. And then he wants to play with the water hose and he wants to drink it. And so I turn it all the way on. And then he chokes. And then he's mad and it's like, what do you want?

[B]

Do you see any similarities? You dated a few people, right? Six or more?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, do you see any. Somebody's seen a few different styles. Do you see any similarities between this and, like, dudes, like, adult dudes, behavior wise, like, the clingy and sad. Like, I can always tell when a woman's, like, is moving away, like, emotionally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I'll want that to not be so you get clingy, which just drives him way more.

[A]

I would say he is so much better after a nap.

[B]

Same.

[A]

So that's a similarity. And he is. He has real hanger. Hangry. He gets hangry. So if he gets hungry, he definitely has an attitude. And then he eats and then he's just like happy as a clam for about 30 minutes.

[B]

That's all we want. And I'll give you some advice. If he's like adult men, a little belly rub after that would really go a long way.

[A]

You know, sometimes he'll lay on his back and you can bend their legs and straighten them and it makes him toot. And so I'll just go like this and he'll go. And then he doesn't do it as much now that he's a little bit older, but when he was just a little tiny tater tot, he'd do it. I'd go like that. And I would just toot him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I thought it was so cute. I love when he toots. It's the cutest sound. And every night before he goes to bed, I give him some milk. I'm done breastfeeding. But he has regular warmed up milk.

[B]

It's coming back, right?

[A]

What, the breastfeeding later? Yeah, in like three months. Baby number two, how old is this one?

[B]

Oh, yeah, 18 months. You don't breastfeed anymore?

[A]

No, I stopped at 13 months.

[B]

How come? Because you want an autistic child. What is that? What causes autism? No, Fortune formula vaccines. Oh, vaccines.

[A]

Oh, yeah, there's some vaccines that can cause it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, so toot at night.

[B]

Yeah. Get vaccinated for not autism.

[A]

I think it's like there's some vaccines that you can, like Tylenol or Advil can cause autism.

[B]

Really?

[A]

If they're too young.

[B]

Did I tell you I have an invention, a pill invention, and I didn't invent it. So if you're a scientist out there, run with this. I don't want anything. There's a couple things I invented that I don't want. I just want to exist. One is a grinder that has a spout in it. So it can go right from the grinder into a bowl. Second. Do it. If you give me one free one, we're even. The other is a drug that makes you temporarily autistic. So you can get homework done, you can clean your apartment, you can get shit done.

[A]

It's called Adderall.

[B]

Adderall, yeah. But that lasts a long time via. Right, Adderall.

[A]

Adderall's only four hours.

[B]

I want this until you take the remedy drug.

[A]

Okay. But Adderall can also suppress your appetite.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Which is a small side bonus.

[B]

Side bonus? Yeah. Yeah. My drug. I want to call it Tardol.

[A]

Tardle.

[B]

Yeah. To make you kind of, like, a bit retarded.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's hilarious.

[B]

So this is day two, not date three. No wonder. No wonder. All right, well, I'm dressing up. Next date, Carrie.

[A]

I'll make sure to clear my schedule.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

And not have anything to do in the afternoon.

[B]

There's a guy code that you have to abide by.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

Terry's. His dad.

[A]

Terry's his dad.

[B]

I love that place.

[A]

Jia Ying Summers. Yeah, she'll. So she's a friend of mine, and still she's met Mark multiple times, and she will still say, like, it was so nice of you and Terry to have me at your house. And I'm like, ciao. It's fucking Mark, dude. And I correct her all the time, and she's like, oh, Mark, Mark. And then, like, the next time I see her, I'll invite her over, and I'm like, you want to come over? Yeah, yeah. She comes over, hangs out all day long. I just want to thank you and Terry.

[B]

You got to start calling her Yao Ming Summers.

[A]

Yeah, I got to do something. So every time someone calls Mark Terry, I think of Jing. Yeah, I love her to death, but I'm like, girl, please stop. You know how weird it is to think of Terry as Mark?

[B]

Imagine if you owned Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, and you just kept calling him Ruth's. Yeah, my storytelling shows out. Now we're doing a sale because it's like, I can't. I don't want a network to own my stuff anymore. They've betrayed me too many times. So, yeah, not much. Four bucks an episode.

[A]

I can't wait to see it. Yeah, four bucks an episode. How many episodes are there?

[B]

Seven.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Seven hour long episodes.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

So good. I'm really happy it came out so good. Zola was there working on it. Negative. But, like, everybody here kind of worked on it, and it was like. It was like a real cool family thing.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, thank you.

[B]

It's like my baby, but my. Actually, my tits do get bigger by working with you guys. I have a lot of fucking food in that green room.

[A]

Yeah. Damn, I wish I could have been.

[B]

That's insane shape.

[A]

I don't right now. I work out because if I went to the gym I wouldn't do anything. I would sit on a machine and I would just, like, listen to some music and text.

[B]

You need someone to demean you?

[A]

I would just.

[B]

Yeah. What the fuck you doing, loser?

[A]

Yeah, I need someone to be like, tell me you gotta be fat to walk up a treadmill for 10 minutes and then pick out some really heavy weights and get some durable. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I do that three hours a week.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

That's all I do. What do you do?

[B]

I start to get fat. Then I'm like, oh, I gotta get salads in me. And then I eat salads for about a week or two.

[A]

That's so much harder.

[B]

Yeah, it really is.

[A]

I would rather eat whatever I want and work out.

[B]

I'd rather eat a little bit. Okay. And never have to work out.

[A]

I think that's what makes us the most different.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Black is slimming. Is black slimming or is white slimming?

[A]

Black.

[B]

Black. So how does he go from. How does your boy, your husband, your man, go from black to stop from being peterry black? How does he keep thin?

[A]

Oh, he wears loose, baggy shirts so

[B]

he doesn't have to say thin.

[A]

And then he wears, like, a flannel over it, so he just. And his clothes just keep getting bigger and bigger. But eventually he's gonna run out of sizing up options.

[B]

He's getting chubby, too.

[A]

He is.

[B]

For real?

[A]

Yeah, for real.

[B]

With time or with your pregnancy. Oh, interesting.

[A]

But see, the thing is, my metabolism just goes really fast because you work out, and the minute I have a baby, I lose 20 pounds in, like, a day.

[B]

Yeah, the baby.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. The placenta, the baby, the blood, the bullshit, all this stuff, it all comes out, and then I'm 20 pounds later, and then it's still stuck on him.

[B]

He can't do it in a day like that. No, he could take a dump. That's two pounds max. I have what I used to weigh every day. So right before and right after the dump and you have to see, I would call an accusive, like, guest today.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe that's why he goes to the bathroom so much.

[B]

I'm sorry I was late. Please grant me a third date. I don't want an answer right now. I want you to think about it because I really need that third date.

[A]

I would love for you to come back. If you stay in town or if you go to New York.

[B]

I don't live here. I've never lived here.

[A]

Okay, well, then I guess when you come back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Well, when you come back.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, well, if I don't see you, good luck on the birth.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, that's, like, difficult. Plus, I gotta, like. I don't know if you say this or not, but they gotta fucking cut it out of you like a fucking alien.

[A]

It's weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Don't. Let's not talk about it.

[B]

Okay? Fair.

[A]

I'm really trying not to think about it.

[B]

Are you gonna be awake for this or.

[A]

No, you are, but they numb you from the waist down or whatever. No, they put, like, a blue shield.

[B]

I had a vasectomy. They had that.

[A]

You had a vasectomy?

[B]

Opposite of what you're going through.

[A]

No way. I didn't know you did that. You really don't want kids?

[B]

Yeah, I knew I didn't want them. And then five years passed. I'm like, what am. I kept doing a joke about getting. I had a joke saying I'm eight minutes away from getting a vasectomy. And I was like, the joke won't work if I get one, so let me wait. But it was like a two year tour, so I was like, let me wait. And then I recorded it. I'm like, all right, it's time. I don't want one.

[A]

That's wild.

[B]

You want to hear what a wilder thing?

[A]

Yes. You have a kid.

[B]

No. Couple. In non. Text. In heaven. All right. I'm really sorry. Well, you're making. We're even after that. So after you get a vasectomy, they go, you can't have sex for two weeks. I think three weeks. Because the semen you already have in the tubes is still there. You gotta, like, finish. You have to get that. You have to get rid of that. And it takes a few weeks for that to all get out. And I asked. I was like, will jerking off speed it up? He goes, no, it doesn't. No. I was like, can I? Anyway, he goes, stop. I don't stop. I don't care. Stop. I'm like, how much can I mess? No. Anyway, in that time, I was doing a storytelling show, actually, at the Village Underground in New York. And there was this French girl there, and she was moved by my story. And we went to the Fat Black Pussycat bar where no one was. And I knew that's where all the fucking Godfrey and Artie Fuqua used to, like, take chicks to bone. And I was like, no way. And I was like, let's go up here to this quiet alcove. And we boned up there. And I blasted away inside in those three weeks, those two weeks where you're not. Where you're like, you're still fertile. I had had a vasectomy and then I took a chance on a stranger, someone who was willing to. I didn't know her before the show started. What a dumb.

[A]

And have you ever heard from her since?

[B]

No, I had her killed right then. Couldn't take a chance. But no, she. Yeah, I heard from her. Like, I kept in touch with her for that. For the next month.

[A]

Yeah. Just to make sure.

[B]

Yeah. What an idiot.

[A]

That's wild.

[B]

Men are dumb. Men are so dumb.

[A]

Women can be dumb too. Men are dumber.

[B]

How have you been dumb? Like something like that. Knowing. Knowing you shouldn't be doing something and doing it anyway kind of move.

[A]

Well, I got pregnant a second time. Yeah, I didn't think I'd get pregnant quite so fast.

[B]

But you wanted to again?

[A]

Yeah, but I thought that it would take like a minute. Yeah, I thought it would take a couple of weeks. But the first time I had sex, I got pregnant.

[B]

Why? He's very fertile.

[A]

Super.

[B]

Let's rename him Terry Brown.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I'm getting you off this fucking show, Ari. But I have to hear Terry one more time. I'm gonna puke. I've had two people tell me that my son looks like Terry too.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Terry, the grandpa?

[B]

Grandpa Terry.

[A]

Grandpa. We call him Papa T. Are you Black? My last name is.

[B]

It is. Wow. Mark Black. Interesting. Yeah, it's a cool name. Sounds like a made up name.

[A]

Okay, Ari, thank you for coming on my show, buddy.

[B]

I love you. Please grant me a third. Where are those fucking flowers I asked for?

[A]

I love you too. Thank you for coming on.

[B]

All right, yeah, I'll see you later.

[A]

Everyone knows where to find you. Thank you.

[B]

Everyone knows what?

[A]

Where to find you.

[B]

Yeah. Arishafir.com or just like, you know where I'm at? I'm at the. There's that one bodega on like 6th and 6th and B. I'm there a lot after 2am all right? That is where you can find me.

[A]

Thank you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time.

[B]

Play the theme song again.

[A]

First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of me milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommate. Thursday.