B (1:55)

Yeah. You're a little late to the game.

C (1:57)

Okay. So that would be, like, probably a date I wouldn't want to be on.

B (2:02)

Yeah. What's your fetish?

C (2:06)

Well, I don't even know. I'd have to look up what fetishes. But I don't know if a pregnant woman is it. I don't know if that would be a first date.

B (2:16)

Okay.

C (2:17)

Could be maybe a last date possible of, like, you know, I haven't seen you in a while and I'm carrying your baby.

B (2:25)

Right.

C (2:26)

And then I'd be like, oh, I gotta go, or. Are you sure it's mine?

B (2:32)

Yeah. Has. Have you ever knocked anyone up and that's happened to you?

C (2:36)

I'm sure I've knocked somebody up. I mean, I have a child that could be mine. You just put it in my face.

B (2:44)

Yeah, My.

C (2:45)

I'VE I'm loud enough where it'll make it, and even if it's going in and out, they'll listen.

B (2:52)

Okay.

C (2:52)

But, yeah, I have a child, I believe.

B (2:55)

Do you have any children that you know of?

C (2:57)

I do. I have a child, I believe. So. I believe she is mine. I have not done a DNA test, but I feed her, help pay for schooling.

B (3:08)

Okay.

C (3:09)

Take her to a bus when I'm in town. Yeah, go ahead. Lauren.

B (3:14)

How old is she?

C (3:16)

She's seven years old, they tell me. Oh, she'll be eight in May. I'm pretty sure May is the birth date because there's been a few parties in May for her birthday.

B (3:33)

Yeah.

C (3:34)

So, yes, I'm a father, so I do know I'm familiar with what is happening with you.

B (3:39)

Are you married?

C (3:41)

I'm married.

B (3:42)

How long have you been married?

C (3:45)

2017, I believe, is when it happened.

B (3:50)

Okay.

C (3:51)

And I know you're already looking at me like I'm vague and I can't pinpoint it, but I'm just kind of floating through.

B (3:57)

That's okay.

C (3:58)

This is a bit overwhelming. Also, you get in an Uber and you drive and you're late and saw friends.

B (4:05)

I was waiting for you. I wasn't going anywhere.

C (4:07)

Okay. But I've been in the building before. I'm friends with Tom Segura.

B (4:11)

That's a good person to be friends

C (4:13)

with, involved in ymh.

B (4:15)

Yeah.

C (4:15)

In some capacity.

B (4:17)

Yeah.

C (4:17)

Okay, so we're. We're here.

B (4:20)

So how did you meet this woman that you've been married to since about 2017?

C (4:26)

Well, I met her at Bristol Farms, Valentine's Day, 2010, and I went in there for a sandwich, and I believe she was getting sushi, which was kind of a red flag at 10:30.

B (4:44)

Yeah.

C (4:45)

But she was 23. She was half my age, and I like to say the good half, the half with the money and the tits. So that's who my wife is. I married her for land. She has a big house and land, and I just married her and moved in. I didn't know I'd have to be taking care of the land. But there is land.

B (5:13)

Surprise, surprise, there is land.

C (5:15)

When you marry someone for land, ideally you shouldn't have to take care of it. I didn't want to be a farmer. I did put a roof on the house during actors strike.

B (5:28)

You're doing things, so I'm pretty involved. Yeah. What is Plant man and Blondie about?

C (5:35)

I'm gonna read you what it's about, and then I'll tell you what I think. It's about if that's okay. Can I just read you a review, please, that someone just sent me? It's in the LA Times from a gentleman named Mark Olson.

B (5:50)

Okay.

C (5:51)

Who's clearly genius. He's clearly a smart man. He picked it as one of the movies to. To watch here at south by Southwest. And clearly he was correct. So I'll read this to you and I'll see if it moves you.

B (6:08)

Okay.

C (6:09)

Lauren, right? Still.

B (6:10)

That's right.

C (6:12)

I know you want to get to some dating stuff, but we'll get there. I was told to talk about this movie a little, but I'd rather talk about pregnancy and dating. Dating.

B (6:26)

Well, let's see. What Mike Olsen.

C (6:27)

I don't date. What is.

B (6:29)

Who is it Mike Olsen?

C (6:31)

Oh, it's Mark.

B (6:31)

Mark.

C (6:32)

His brother, Mike. I don't know.

B (6:34)

I can't believe I that up. My husband's name is Mark.

C (6:36)

Yeah, that's.

B (6:37)

And his brother's name is Mike.

C (6:40)

That's what I want to talk about. That's interesting to me. I had a talk show once. So I might flip this and find out about which one you'd rather be. The father of the child. Maybe one is that doesn't know. We'll know. We'll know pretty quick at the reveal. Okay, are you ready?

B (7:04)

Yes.

C (7:05)

Lauren, Right?

B (7:06)

Oh, my God.

C (7:07)

Correct.

B (7:08)

Yes.

C (7:08)

Okay, well, we don't know names. This is exciting. With a disarming, at times disorienting blend of sincerity and irony touched by a bit of stoned whimsy, the comedy troupe known as the Dress Up Gang create an off kilter only in LA tale about a bored remote worker who becomes part of a scheme to rescue house plants from owners who don't properly care for them. Having moved from web series to a TV series and now a feature film, the group seems to be running the gamut of possibilities for the contemporary comedy scene. I mean, that's unbelievable.

B (7:58)

It is unbelievable. At first it sounded like he was describing a nice bottle of wine.

C (8:03)

Exactly. This is a nice bottle of wine. I think every movie is a little. Has something for everybody. Everyone will see a movie differently and be moved by it. And this movie has clearly a little bit of everything.

B (8:20)

What do you think it's about?

C (8:22)

Well, I think it's a love story. I think it's about friendship. I think it's about how we are all plants in life, that we all need a little water, sunlight, kind words to grow. I mean, you have a child growing in you because somebody was nice to you, nice enough for you to lay down and take it. So someone's water. Someone watered you.

B (8:53)

Yeah.

C (8:53)

And you're creating life.

B (8:55)

I'm watering it.

C (8:56)

Yeah. Sunlight and kind words and some good soil, good foundation. That's what. That's what we need. So I think this movie is about that. It's got some action, some. Some comedy, a lot of heart.

B (9:10)

Yeah.

C (9:11)

It's a group of friends that we've been making these sketches for. You know, I've been with them nine years.

B (9:17)

Wow.

C (9:18)

Dress up gang. And they've been around since 2010. Same year I met my wife. So we all play ourselves. Basically. I play a tennis pro x con, living in a van. So that's.

B (9:35)

I can see that.

C (9:36)

That's me.

B (9:36)

Yeah.

C (9:37)

You saw when I walked in, you wondered if a homeless man had breached the perimeter. But yeah, that's. That's what it's about. It's a love story.

B (9:49)

So you met your wife in 2007.

C (9:51)

Look how you get right back to what you know.

B (9:56)

So you dated for seven years before you got married?

C (9:58)

I think so. I'm going to try and tighten this so I don't have to hold it in this spot. Yeah, I saw you have people lingering around here. We'll see if this works. Don't edit this out. Keep. Keep the reality of this.

B (10:13)

Okay.

C (10:14)

And how much longer do we go? Just till you get everything.

B (10:17)

Until I feel like it. Probably about 30 more minutes.

C (10:20)

I like it. I like it. Yeah, I can tell you're over it, but it's cute.

B (10:23)

I'm not over it.

C (10:24)

Oh, someone laughed. No, it's good. All right, let's. I talked about plant man. Let's move on to what you need to know. Welcome to the End, everybody. It's a storytelling show.

B (10:35)

Me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories into a toddler's face.

C (10:39)

Wild three.

B (10:40)

Sometimes regretful.

C (10:42)

Every std Horrible.

B (10:44)

I'm gonna you up. And amazing stories.

C (10:46)

We just got started.

B (10:48)

I'm gonna stop the terrorists. You're in trouble, mister. Howdy. Huh?

C (10:51)

It's gonna be a good night.

B (10:53)

It's gonna kill us all. Come on.

C (10:56)

You should be in jail. Hey, man. Are you okay?

B (11:00)

I actually do well.

C (11:01)

You don't fucking talk to me, okay?

B (11:03)

I'm a disciple of the Lord. Not in this part.

C (11:07)

How did I get here? How did this happen?

B (11:09)

That's.

C (11:24)

You guys ready to start the show?

B (11:27)

I want to take a second to set the record straight on GLP1s. They're more than just a weight loss trend or cheat code. It's a Gateway to more energy, better lab results and just feeling like yourself again. And now that there's a pill version, which is huge. Huge. If the thought of doing that shot has been holding you back. Ro offers the first FDA approved GLP1 pill for weight loss at the lowest cost around. With the same weight loss ingredient as the shot, patients can lose 14% of their body weight in a year on average. That's one daily pill for fewer cravings and feeling fuller. Clinically proven to maximize weight loss. I can't wait to try ROE myself. Go to ROE Co firstdate to see if you're eligible for the new GLP1 pill on ROE. That's RO CO FirstDate to get on ROE. Go to ROE CO Safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications based on study in non diabetics with obesity or overweight plus a weight related condition with diet and exercise. So you met.

C (12:39)

We met in 2010 at Bristol Farm. I waited for her in the parking lot like Ted Bundy used to do. And she was hot. She beautiful in a little leather skirt? She's beautiful.

B (12:57)

Yeah.

C (12:58)

And I waited for her. I asked if she had a valentine and she said no. And I bought her a dozen roses and just started the stalking.

B (13:07)

That's cool.

C (13:09)

Stalking or just the passion?

B (13:11)

I think that you approached her in person, first of all, is cool.

C (13:16)

Well, in 2010 you kind of had to.

B (13:18)

There wasn't all the dating apps, like there was no.

C (13:20)

But I waited for her outside and I waited a long time. Like this woman's taking a long time shopping. And sure enough, it stuck. Yeah, it's who she is.

B (13:36)

She takes a long time.

C (13:37)

It's a lot of waiting. So I waited for her. There was a family in the parking lot I kind of knew. I told them to keep an eye on her and I went and got her a dozen roses and I asked for her number and she wouldn't give it to me. And I said, well, can I give you my number? And so she said yes. And I took her phone and put my number in there and called myself. So she's an accountant, cpa. So clearly she's not good with numbers because I don't know if she knew at the time that I was getting her number.

B (14:12)

Yeah, that was a good way to get it though.

C (14:15)

And I just started stalking her. It wasn't supposed to last this long. She can confirm that. Yeah, I would have enjoyed a. A week affair.

B (14:26)

Yeah, a couple nights. Well, why did it last so long?

C (14:29)

Just, you know, I just couldn't Shake it. Couldn't. Sometimes the tits, you know, sometimes we can't fight it. And it took me down like a ton of bricks. And so here I am, still married.

B (14:46)

I would say that that's a very successful relationship.

C (14:51)

Really? Now, you would say that because you. You think sticking together is a success. What if it's not a happy union and everyone would be happier if they went different ways? There's a lot of divorces that are a success.

B (15:07)

Your tone would be different if that were the situation.

C (15:10)

My tone would?

B (15:11)

Yeah. But you're telling the story like you're in love.

C (15:14)

Well, I'm telling the story because it's what you need for this.

B (15:19)

No, I don't need that. I need the truth. I need who you are, genuinely.

C (15:23)

Well, this is who I am.

B (15:24)

Yeah,

C (15:27)

I wouldn't say this is a love affair by my tone.

B (15:31)

Okay.

C (15:32)

Sometimes you stay in too long and you can't get out.

B (15:34)

Oh, I see. Do you live together?

C (15:38)

Yeah, we share a house.

B (15:40)

When was the last time you guys went to a restaurant?

C (15:42)

This morning. She forced me to go to Four Seasons.

B (15:45)

You guys are happy.

C (15:46)

Breakfast.

B (15:47)

You're in a happy, loving relationship.

C (15:50)

Yes, she certainly is. Yeah, we had breakfast today. We dumped our child. We dumped our child with someone out here. She has a nanny that used to be our nanny in Los Angeles, but now she works with Joe Rogan at the mothership. Carrie Mitchell. Good friend. And she was our nanny, and then Joe brought her out here to open Mothership. So we like to think she's still the nanny. She's just working somewhere else. So we brought Addison out here and dropped her with with Carrie for a few days. So I'm alone with the wife, so that could be trouble.

B (16:37)

Yeah. What does she like to do? What is she doing right now?

C (16:44)

I'm not happy about it. She's going to get a facial.

B (16:48)

Oh, I like this girl.

C (16:51)

She's not happy because she didn't bring shoes to match an outfit, so there's trauma.

B (16:59)

It seems she has to go shopping.

C (17:00)

Well, she does, but we'll see what happens. I'm just trying to love something, you know? I think we love the children and tolerate the mom. Yeah, you'll find that out.

B (17:14)

Okay.

C (17:15)

Are you gonna live with your man?

B (17:16)

I do live with him.

C (17:17)

Now. Do you like him?

B (17:19)

I do.

C (17:19)

Do you like him as much as Mike?

B (17:25)

Mike is a nice guy, but he would never be my type.

C (17:28)

Well, even though they're twins now, we are onto it. He might be he's not your type that you'd want to be In a relationship with. But he may have been your type to create child.

B (17:44)

I don't think so.

C (17:46)

They're twins. You don't really know.

B (17:47)

They are so different. I do. I'm around Mike a lot.

C (17:51)

No, but you may have been around them both at the same time. During conception.

B (17:58)

Mike has two kids with his wife.

C (18:00)

So he's capable of making family.

B (18:03)

He is capable.

C (18:04)

So will you do a DNA test to make sure which one it is?

B (18:09)

But they can look.

C (18:10)

Playing a joke. Hold on.

B (18:11)

Do they have the same essential DNA since they're twins?

C (18:15)

You're gonna find out, aren't you?

B (18:16)

Wouldn't that be wild? Twins.

C (18:20)

Are you having one or two?

B (18:22)

This is my second.

C (18:24)

You have a child?

B (18:25)

I do have. I have a one year old. And this is yours? He is mine.

C (18:30)

Okay.

B (18:31)

Even though he doesn't look anything like me. With Mark.

C (18:35)

Wow.

B (18:37)

We're going two for two.

C (18:39)

What does Mark do?

B (18:40)

Mark owns a barbecue restaurant here in town called Terry Black's.

C (18:44)

Nice. Went for the money and the food.

B (18:48)

Hey, I'm not stupid.

C (18:49)

I know. I. I know what it's like.

B (18:52)

I. I know good food.

C (18:54)

Shit, that's good.

B (18:55)

Good people and good money.

C (18:58)

Look at you.

B (18:59)

Just all the way around.

C (19:00)

Even though I saw the tag in your dress.

B (19:02)

I know.

C (19:03)

Doesn't mean you wear things to return them.

B (19:06)

I'm a ding dong.

C (19:07)

Jeez. I have so much fun. You and me, Lauren. Right? Oh, first date. What a show. Plantman and blondie taking over the world.

B (19:17)

Kirk.

C (19:18)

Yes.

B (19:19)

The world wants to know.

C (19:20)

Do they?

B (19:21)

What is your type?

C (19:26)

Well. Type of what? Woman.

B (19:30)

Cigarette?

C (19:31)

I don't smoke. I like someone who's nice to me. I can find some beauty in just about every woman.

B (19:40)

That's sweet.

C (19:41)

My type is just whoever says yes.

B (19:44)

Yeah.

C (19:45)

There you go. So that. That would make you my type at this moment.

B (19:50)

Okay.

C (19:51)

But I've always kind of been drawn toward. I mean, my wife's tall and beautiful. You want to see what.

B (20:01)

Yeah.

C (20:01)

See what we're talking about here.

B (20:03)

Let me see.

C (20:03)

I'll show you a wedding picture. Kevin Nealon was our officiant.

B (20:08)

Was he?

C (20:09)

Yeah. I'm not gonna lie.

B (20:10)

That's cool.

C (20:13)

Let me see who she is here. You can keep talking. You can tell me something.

B (20:23)

I want to see what she looked like this morning.

C (20:25)

What she looked like this morning?

B (20:27)

Yeah. Well, because everyone looks beautiful on their wedding day. You can't show me, like the most glamorous day of her life because she's gonna look just like Cindy Crawford or something.

C (20:36)

Yeah, but don't you want to See how handsome I am? So clearly that's my type.

B (20:43)

Oh, I love her dress. And I love her. Wow, you look so different. You look clean.

C (20:50)

Yeah, that's before I moved back into the van and.

B (20:55)

Oh, I can go.

C (20:57)

I can golled up. And she's got the rack.

B (21:01)

She does have very nice boobies.

C (21:03)

She's all good. Yeah, that's. That seems to be my type. That's what I'm supposed to say, right?

B (21:09)

Yeah, but I mean, like, do you like.

C (21:11)

If I said my type is a, you know, a little blonde, just, you'd say that's not your wife.

B (21:17)

Has she ever been blonde?

C (21:19)

I don't really look much at her head.

B (21:22)

You know, you're below the chin.

C (21:24)

I just kind of glance past it. But I'm sure she's been blonde. Don't women try everything?

B (21:33)

Yeah, pretty much.

C (21:34)

Look how much fun we're having. You rarely laugh on here. For real.

B (21:38)

I do laugh.

C (21:40)

I've seen. I've watched enough of these.

B (21:43)

Yeah. What's your biggest turn off?

C (21:48)

I love these questions. You have your stock.

B (21:52)

I do. I need to know about dating life.

C (21:54)

I don't like volume.

B (21:56)

What do you mean?

C (21:56)

Just, you know, I don't like yelling. Oh, so that's a turn off? I. I don't like that I'm so loud. I don't like being told to change lanes.

B (22:07)

What do you mean?

C (22:08)

If I'm driving and I'm in a lane I enjoy, I'm. I'd like to stay there. I don't need to save 30 seconds and then eventually get back into the lane.

B (22:16)

So you don't like a front seat driver?

C (22:18)

No, I'm happier when my wife stays home and I take the child to the bus. So that's so clearly, that's where a lot of things must. I must not. Like, I don't want to be told how to drive.

B (22:36)

Yeah.

C (22:36)

Is that what you mean by your question? That's a turn off.

B (22:40)

That is it. That's. That's a very specific turn off. I love that.

C (22:43)

Is it too specific?

B (22:44)

No. Most people aren't.

C (22:46)

Something broad and vague.

B (22:47)

No.

C (22:49)

Yeah. Shit, man.

B (22:53)

Is that the longest your hair has ever been?

C (22:55)

No, but I wanted to take a shower this morning. But, you know, this is Grease, but it's a pretty strong look.

B (23:05)

It's very Yellowstone.

C (23:07)

I'm built for Yellowstone.

B (23:09)

I feel like you are. Have you auditioned for it?

C (23:11)

No, I have not.

B (23:13)

You should.

C (23:15)

And how do you audition? You go, I don't know. Not audition. I think I'd have to get an agent. I just. I don't audition. I say if someone wants me, they can find me. And if they can't find me, they shouldn't be looking. So that could be why my career is limited. That could be why you don't know me. I think if I had an agent, things would be different.

B (23:40)

You don't want an agent?

C (23:42)

I don't know if I have any wants, really.

B (23:45)

Why?

C (23:45)

I just, you know, I'm just floating through. Numb. Maybe dead inside.

B (23:50)

You don't seem dead inside. I know.

C (23:52)

That's the beauty.

B (23:53)

You have so much spark behind your eyes.

C (23:54)

That's the illusion. That's. That's the Ted Bundy. He had a twinkle.

B (24:02)

You don't crave anything.

C (24:05)

I do like a morning coffee. A bowel movement is a joyful way to start the day. So I crave that. That seems to change mood. I like tacos. I like good tacos. So I do crave. I do crave.

B (24:25)

But you're happy where you are in life. You don't need anything.

C (24:29)

I think I'd be happier south of France, teaching tennis to supermodels for hand jobs. You know, simple pleasures.

B (24:41)

Do you really play tennis, though?

C (24:42)

I was a tennis pro.

B (24:44)

Were you really?

C (24:45)

Yes. I. I can tell you did a lot of research before I got here, which is important for a good interview to just float through and have a few stock questions about turnoffs or fetishes. But, you know, there's more to me than just denim and Yellowstone esque. Tennis. Tennis is my life. I was a tennis pro. Every job I'd ever gotten was from tennis.

B (25:15)

Really?

C (25:15)

Yes. I would teach tennis to directors and they would put me in movies. What are you looking at? What's going on? The past.

B (25:23)

Yes.

C (25:24)

Okay. What do you want to know? Go to that IMDb page. It might blow your mind. Hundreds of movies. I was in the Patriot with Mel Gibson.

B (25:34)

Oh.

C (25:34)

And I'd been playing tennis with him before that. So he was surprised to see me in New Mexico. That was a surprise.

B (25:43)

Wow.

C (25:44)

Taught tennis to Dean Devlin, who was producing the Patriot. Lawrence Kasdan. I taught tennis, too, and he put me in Wyatt Earp and.

B (25:54)

Wow. When did you start playing tennis?

C (25:57)

When I was 10 years old.

B (26:00)

What do you love about tennis?

C (26:01)

Oh, God. Look at your question. I like the solitude. I spend most of my youth just hitting tennis balls against the wall.

B (26:12)

Really?

C (26:12)

I like hitting against the wall. I like being alone. Like this is a struggle.

B (26:17)

Are you an only child?

C (26:20)

I'd like to believe I am, but there's four others. I am the last Drip from a leaky faucet. That's what my dad called me. I'm the youngest of five. They were all a year apart, and then I. I arrived. So I do have brothers and sisters, but I like to be alone. But, yeah, that's what I enjoyed about tennis.

B (26:47)

So how did you take tennis to the next level?

C (26:49)

I clearly did not take it to the next level because I was losing a lot. So I quit playing pro tennis and then just went to Beverly Hills and taught tennis to Playmates and Supermodels. That was my thing.

B (27:07)

And they would pay you in handjobs?

C (27:09)

If I was lucky, sometimes cash. And then I would take that cash somewhere else to pay for hand jobs. I would have liked to have cut out the middleman more often. I do like it here. I do like this. This first date. That's the name of this.

B (27:30)

Yeah.

C (27:31)

What else you want to know about Plant man and blondie?

B (27:33)

Nothing. Have you ever done a date playing tennis? Have you played tennis on a date?

C (27:39)

Every. Every time I've played tennis with a woman, it was a date.

B (27:45)

Really?

C (27:46)

It's foreplay.

B (27:48)

Have you ever played a girl who's better than you?

C (27:50)

Of course not. That's something Mike would say. I'm sure that my wife's a great tennis player.

B (28:02)

Why is she a good tennis player?

C (28:04)

Well, clearly she's been playing her whole life, and she probably has a little more focus. She might even be better than me at times. If you wear a tennis skirt and no panties, you have an immediate edge on a male opponent.

B (28:20)

This sounds like a fetish.

C (28:22)

What, tennis skirts with no panties?

B (28:25)

Yeah.

C (28:27)

Well, I'd never thought about it till now, but I certainly find that appealing. I mean, does that make it a fetish or just a fan of tennis skirts and.

B (28:39)

Well, a fetish can be like a fantasy.

C (28:42)

I don't have fantasies. I've done everything I've needed to do.

B (28:46)

But that doesn't mean that you don't have a fetish or a fantasy. Even if you've played it out, that can still be, like, the thing that in your head would turn you on the very most.

C (28:56)

Okay, so I like teaching women to serve and standing behind them and then lifting their skirt and seeing no panties. Okay, Is that a fetish?

B (29:12)

That's a hot fetish.

C (29:12)

Okay, so good. I have a fetish. What else do I like coffee in the morning. I like coffee in the morning. A good bowel movement.

B (29:21)

Good bowel movement. Do you like to go swimming?

C (29:24)

Oh, I love the ocean. So I like to. I like to body Surf naked? What is that, a fetish?

B (29:32)

How do you go?

C (29:33)

Is it a solo if it's just a fetish?

B (29:35)

Naked in the ocean?

C (29:36)

Is it a fetish if it involves just me?

B (29:38)

Where do you put your swim trunks?

C (29:41)

You don't even bring them, man. You just live.

B (29:44)

I feel like that's a South of France thing you do.

C (29:47)

Does a fetish have to be a certain location?

B (29:49)

Oh, this is a fetish.

C (29:50)

You're talking fetishes. What I like. So I like to swim naked. I like to body surf naked and feel the waves tickle the balls and salt water dry on the beach. Does that make it a fetish? I'm just a man trying to make it in the late 90s, Lauren. I see, Right. Yes. So, yeah, you're asking me what I like.

B (30:13)

What if someone took a picture of you naked on the beach? How would you feel about that?

C (30:17)

Proud. Just proud that someone was there that I didn't know about. Now is this your leading to Am I proud of what God gave me?

B (30:31)

No, I was just curious if you. That would make you feel insecure.

C (30:34)

Oh, no. God damn it. I wish I could be naked now. I just want to live. Clothes. You know, I've had the same outfit on for weeks. I do change my underwear daily. I just look dirty, but it's a controlled burn. This is all well placed.

B (30:54)

Meant to look this way.

C (30:55)

Good cotton. Yeah, it's all good cotton.

B (30:58)

Do you like to drink alcohol?

C (31:01)

I enjoy IPAs after a show. I like a good beer. I don't drink during the day. I know I look like I would drink under a Bridge from 11 to 4 in the afternoon, but that's just a look. That's the hair, that's the dirt. But I'm not afraid of alcohol. I used to be a fan of margaritas.

B (31:23)

Ooh.

C (31:24)

There used to be a restaurant I'd go to and I. I like chicken tacos and margaritas.

B (31:30)

That sounds good.

C (31:31)

I think that's how I got my wife. I think the first night that she ever passed out under me was after margaritas. She likes to play dead when we have sex, which I like. So that's a fetish. I'm kidding. Sound bite. Get that sound bite in there.

B (31:54)

What?

C (31:54)

Okay, go ahead. Sorry. Kirk Fox. Oh, sorry. Plan man and Blondie coming soon. A dress up gang film. So I love it how you wait to see if I'm done because I

B (32:08)

don't want to miss something important you have to say.

C (32:10)

Oh, it's all important. Any word that comes out right now is important. It's all leading to something, even an ending. My mission in life is to leave a room better for having visited. Even if it's me leaving that makes it better.

B (32:25)

I feel like that's a famous quote from somewhere.

C (32:27)

Me. That's my quote.

B (32:30)

That's your quote?

C (32:31)

Yeah.

B (32:32)

Quoted by Kirk Fox.

C (32:33)

Yes. Okay, go ahead. I'll let you. I'll let you run the show. I'm just excited to be here. Any other questions? I'll answer them in depth.

B (32:42)

Would you consider yourself romantic?

C (32:44)

I am a romantic. I am a romantic. But the romance is probably best for a weekend. Like I'm good for a weekend, but any longer than that. Like, I think my wife was happy at first and then she realized it's going to be like this forever. I bring out I'm good for a weekend.

B (33:12)

What is the most romantic thing you've ever done?

C (33:15)

Body surfing. Naked. Solo? No. Romantic. I don't know. What's an example?

B (33:24)

Well, like, what's a weekend? When you say you're good for a weekend, do you pre plan anything?

C (33:29)

No, I've never pre planned anything.

B (33:33)

How did you propose?

C (33:35)

She kind of said it's time for you to ask. So I did.

B (33:41)

Right then and there.

C (33:42)

Yeah. She calls the shots.

B (33:46)

So she said it's time for you to ask.

C (33:48)

She says, you know, you better do this. Okay.

B (33:52)

And then you did?

C (33:53)

I did. I don't know what I've done. Like, I didn't really think we were getting married. I thought it was just a party. Kevin Nealon made it official. Well, made it fun. I don't know if it's legal.

B (34:07)

Oh, but did you buy her a ring?

C (34:11)

There was a ring purchased that I still regret.

B (34:17)

Why do you regret it?

C (34:18)

Oh, rings are. It's a real racket. You know, diamonds are worthless.

B (34:23)

They are.

C (34:24)

So you're just buying into the con? Women like the ring to feel that we're investing.

B (34:32)

Yeah.

C (34:33)

It's shit show. You know that.

B (34:34)

Yeah.

C (34:36)

You make us do it and we do it because we think we'll lose you if we don't.

B (34:42)

What's the best gift you've ever got her?

C (34:44)

Me? I'm a gift. Don't. Don't judge the rapping.

B (34:51)

What's the best part about you in a relationship?

C (34:55)

There's really nothing good. There's nothing good. I've spoken more to you now than I've spoken to her in 17 years. We don't do a lot of talking.

B (35:10)

What do you do a lot of.

C (35:13)

I go to one room, she goes to the other, and then we Meet up. When the food arrives and we divvy it up, I ask if I should tip, and then she goes to her room and I go to the couch. It's. There's an office downstairs I spend a lot of time in.

B (35:35)

What do you do in this office?

C (35:37)

Just think about being alone.

B (35:39)

But you are alone. So why do you have to think about being alone?

C (35:42)

Well, I want to double it up.

B (35:44)

You just really want to be alone? Yeah.

C (35:46)

Even when I'm alone. I wish I was more alone.

B (35:50)

Why do you want to be so alone?

C (35:52)

Oh, God. It's just quieter.

B (35:56)

You don't like to hear people talk. I must be driving you nuts.

C (35:59)

You're a what?

B (36:00)

I must be driving you nuts.

C (36:01)

No, I like it. I like that you don't know what we're doing.

B (36:09)

You don't know what we're doing.

C (36:10)

Oh, I know.

B (36:10)

But neither one of us knows what we're doing.

C (36:12)

But usually you do.

B (36:14)

Usually I have a little bit more of a grasp on someone, but you're very elusive.

C (36:20)

I know. Not by choice.

B (36:23)

Is this just you?

C (36:24)

Yes. It's nothing. It's not a attack to like.

B (36:30)

You would be a terrible professor.

C (36:31)

Oh, I would be great.

B (36:33)

You'd be horrible.

C (36:34)

Why?

B (36:35)

You would never get a point across. Hearing you teach about something would be so confusing. People would get lost in, like, a matter of minutes. They would forget what subject they were studying.

C (36:47)

Exactly. And only when you're lost can you find out where you're going.

B (36:52)

Yeah, you're like the. The. The Matthew McConaughey of teachers. All right, all right, all right.

C (37:00)

You signed up for the class. You brought me here.

B (37:04)

What would be your subject if you had to teach something in a college?

C (37:12)

Belief Ethics. You're enough, Lauren. Trust you're here for a reason. Do not regret the past.

B (37:25)

So you would teach spiritual awakening?

C (37:27)

Of course. Look at. She's laughing. Never been this happy.

B (37:33)

So in college, you teach spiritual awakenings?

C (37:36)

Yes. Do you do tennis? Do you teach follow through? No, I don't. The yoga is. It's a racket. Also. You can stretch on your own. Just reach for the sky. Try and stretch your back out. I'm also resting, so I wouldn't be a good yoga teacher, but I can get the best out of people. Okay, so that's. That's how I would teach a class. I'd let them ask questions.

B (38:07)

How many students do you think you could handle in a class?

C (38:10)

I would say a hundred. Would be.

B (38:13)

A hundred? I'd say no more than 40.

C (38:16)

I know more than 40. Dude, you knew you were going small. I would say 40 is a lot. For you, maybe. For me it's a little. I'd like a hundred just so there's more of a. More of a clusterfuck feel. I want people to want to get out and can't because there's too many.

B (38:38)

Yeah. How long would your class go for?

C (38:41)

Like a. Maybe a 20 minute lecture.

B (38:44)

Oh, that's not that bad.

C (38:45)

Yeah.

B (38:46)

And then, I mean, with you as the lecturer.

C (38:48)

And then 20 minutes discussing it. I would do a 20 minute intro and then I'd let it go.

B (38:56)

And then you would, like, give it up to questions from the audience.

C (38:59)

Yes, and I got that from my dad. My dad used to trudge on the beach every day with a bamboo stick.

B (39:10)

What's trudging?

C (39:11)

Trudging means you walk in the deep sand.

B (39:14)

Oh, okay.

C (39:15)

Along the boardwalk. And I would say when he was about 65, he was trudging with his bamboo stick with a golf ball on top. They called him Bamboo Ben. He was a handyman in La Jolla. And he was trudging and his heart stopped and he was dead on his feet. And with his last breath, for some reason, he just reached for the sky and said, raya. Raya. Not the dating app. And his heart started beating and he was alive. And he continued to trudge. And for the next 20 years, he would greet everyone he saw with a rousing raya. Raya. Always open fingers, never closed fist, closed his negative Raya. And everyone that saw my dad would say, raya. They'd all give him a riot.

B (40:27)

And. And then how long after this did he start his culture?

C (40:32)

Probably that minute that his heart started beating. Toward the end, he'd have 40 people following him.

B (40:45)

See, that sounds like a good number.

C (40:46)

And he said he wished he had a hundred. So they called him Bamboo Ben. And every. Every morning he'd say, get out of bed, stand on your head, take a deep breath and say, love. And he'd say, isn't it wonderful? We'd say, what? What?

B (41:05)

That?

C (41:05)

He'd say, when we, as Earth planet travelers, become aware of our relativity with the great universal life force. Now, that was how he lived his life. And toward the end of his life, and he had a great love affair with my mom. But toward the end of his life, he was dying and he didn't want to go to the hospital. He said, let's just let nature take its course. And every time he went to bed, he was supposed to die. But he kept waking up. I finally said, why? Why do you keep Waking up. He says, I want to see your mom so bad every morning. I just keep waking up. Toward the end of his life, I finally said, what's raya? And he said, it's air backwards. I guess it's the first thing we take in when we're born. And it's the last thing we let go of when we die. And he died shortly after that. But you know how he met my mom, since that's what you're interested in.

B (42:11)

How.

C (42:12)

Good question. And you think I couldn't teach her college course?

B (42:16)

I. I feel like a student.

C (42:19)

See, we flipped you 10 more minutes

B (42:23)

and you'd have your 20 minute lecture. And then I have 20 minutes left to ask you questions where I like it.

C (42:28)

And we're already going over. But listen, you ready?

B (42:31)

Yes.

C (42:31)

He was painting a house down in La Jolla with his dog Bruce. A little Australian jumper that he drove out to California on a 1947 Indian Chief motorcycle with Bruce on the gas tank. Bruce wore goggles whenever Bruce turned around. My dad knew Bruce had to use the bathroom. And my dad was painting a house, and Bruce ran down the ladder and took off down La Jolla Shores, just running along the beach. My dad chased this dog for maybe half a mile. The dog ran around a cliff down there in front of Scripps Institute of Oceanography down in La Jolla. Ucsd. And the dog was just barking at a woman. And my dad picked up Bruce and looked at my mom and said, one day you'll be my wife. And that was my mom. No way. The dog picked out my mom.

B (43:30)

Wow.

C (43:31)

My mom was engaged to someone at the time. Robert Bruce Willis?

B (43:37)

No, not.

C (43:38)

Not Bruce Willis. Not his dad, but a man named Robert Bruce Willis. And he was over in Hawaii. And he. She went over there to see who she loved most. And my dad won.

B (43:52)

Wow.

C (43:53)

And my dad married my mom and moved in with her.

B (43:59)

And her mother, did she have a house with property?

C (44:02)

Yes.

B (44:03)

And he had to take care of the land?

C (44:05)

Yes.

B (44:05)

Did he put a roof on that house?

C (44:06)

Yes.

B (44:07)

Wow. Like father, like son.

C (44:08)

And I did the exact same thing. So he married my mom and moved in with her, and her mother and grandma lived upstairs. And he would build a fire every night till she died.

B (44:19)

It's like Game of Thrones.

C (44:20)

And then we all kind of moved upstairs, and I married my wife and moved in with her and her mother. But we squeezed her mom out quick, bought our condo, took the house.

B (44:33)

Yeah.

C (44:34)

Mom's still pissed. But it was the same house that her dad grew up in. And the house I grew up in was the same house my mom grew up in.

B (44:43)

Wow. It's crazy how your lives mirror.

C (44:46)

Yeah. It's crazy how two bums can just find a rich woman and milk it.

B (44:53)

Yeah.

C (44:54)

So that's what I'm doing.

B (44:55)

But see, that's why I feel like you seem happy

C (45:00)

to not work, to like.

B (45:02)

I mean, your dad had a great love affair.

C (45:04)

Well, he said he did. I think we found out later he'd had many others.

B (45:08)

Oh, but I'm not sure that story took a serious twist.

C (45:13)

Yeah, but that's life, isn't it?

B (45:16)

Does it have to be? Don't say that.

C (45:18)

It does.

B (45:19)

No.

C (45:20)

You'll see.

B (45:21)

No.

C (45:22)

Barbecue can only go so long.

B (45:24)

I don't know. Those smokers are 24 7.

C (45:27)

Barbecue every night.

B (45:28)

I don't.

C (45:30)

Does he?

B (45:30)

I actually very rarely eat barbecue.

C (45:32)

Does Mike.

B (45:33)

What? You know, eat barbecue.

C (45:36)

Did I say that?

B (45:37)

They eat barbecue. They.

C (45:38)

I knew it.

B (45:39)

That's in their DNA.

C (45:41)

Are you in their DNA?

B (45:43)

No.

C (45:43)

One of them.

B (45:44)

My son is, and he loves barbecue. He eats brisket.

C (45:48)

I can't wait to see who the dad is of this guy. God, it's gonna be exciting. That'll be the follow up pod. It'll be a new show. Last date.

B (45:59)

I've tried to get him on the show. He won't come on.

C (46:01)

Of course not. He knows the truth will come out under this much light.

B (46:06)

Do you think we have enough light? There's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 lights above us.

C (46:15)

I lost count after one. When you said one, I was.

B (46:20)

I got gone.

C (46:21)

I got the point.

B (46:21)

Blinded by the light. There's a lot.

C (46:24)

Yes. Sorry about the noise. Okay, I think we've done great. What else do you need to know? Oh, here's something exciting. Plant man and Blondie. I think one of the reasons I did this movie, besides the fact that they asked me, is my dad used to have an elkhorn plant, which is like a staghorn. Elkhorn. But he'd always throw a banana peel on it every day. And I think that's why I love trees and plants. So when I knew this movie was about plants and saving them and watering them. I like it. You know, I had a daytime talk show, so when your eyes drift like that, it gives me a little ptsd.

B (47:08)

I'm sorry. It's because they're showing me the plant.

C (47:11)

Oh, that's awesome. No, I love that they're trying to

B (47:14)

educate me so that I know what the you're talking about.

C (47:17)

No, that's. That's School, man. That's why I'd be a great.

B (47:21)

This is my Cliff Notes team.

C (47:23)

I like it, man.

B (47:24)

They're pretty good. What was your talk show about? I don't know anything about you.

C (47:28)

Relationships.

B (47:29)

Oh.

C (47:30)

Conflict resolution. So I. I know exactly what you're up to. It was on CBS. I did 160 episodes.

B (47:39)

Wow.

C (47:40)

It's called the test. Google that. The test. Kirk Fox. It was Maury Povich, Jerry Springer and Kirk Fox. We had a three hour block every day, 2013 and 14.

B (47:53)

Wow.

C (47:53)

Did the test come up on the screen?

B (47:55)

No.

C (47:55)

Kirk Fox.

B (47:56)

Now it does. Now I see it.

C (47:57)

Look at me.

B (47:58)

Look at that mustache.

C (48:01)

Look at that.

B (48:02)

Was that real part of it?

C (48:05)

Just the handlebars. Looks good, but yeah. So I had a conflict resolution. People would come in and someone would be lying and we'd find out at the end of the show who's lying.

B (48:16)

Do you miss it?

C (48:17)

No. I didn't like the teleprompter. I didn't like the earpiece. I didn't like wearing a suit. I didn't like that I had to shave my mustache. And I just didn't like the fighting. A lot of fighting.

B (48:32)

The drama.

C (48:33)

Just the fighting. The drama. You're not the father. I'd see a lot of happiness. A lot of drug addicts. I got clean. Probably 100 I sent to rehab.

B (48:46)

Wow.

C (48:47)

I'm a hero.

B (48:48)

You did good things.

C (48:49)

I'm a hero. It's not all just body surfing naked and letting salt water tickle my balls in the sunlight.

B (48:56)

I see that. Well, Kirk, where can people find you?

C (49:01)

Right here, man.

B (49:02)

Are you on social media?

C (49:04)

No. Maybe. I think I'm on Instagram. Kirk Fox. K I R K F O X. So they can find me there. Plant man and Blondie. They can find. This is a great movie of another movie in theaters called Mermaid with Johnny Pemberton. I think Johnny's a friend of yours.

B (49:26)

Are you doing any other movies soon?

C (49:30)

I'd like to be. There's a few things. I just did another episode of Bad Thoughts with Tom Segura, your boss. And you saw Bad Thoughts last year. You didn't know which episode I was in. I sat on a toilet and I made someone else sit on top of me.

B (49:48)

I do remember that. That was our.

C (49:49)

It opened a portal.

B (49:50)

Good friend Rob.

C (49:51)

Yeah, it opened a portal. So. And then it turned out that I may have been an alien only able to ejaculate if someone pooped between my legs. So it was kind of a love story. Romantic comedy.

B (50:06)

Rom coms. Love Rom Coms. Yeah.

C (50:08)

Bad thoughts. So I just did another episode of that. It'll be on in May, but I don't know. You might shelve this episode even though it might be your top rated by accident.

B (50:17)

Yeah, you never know.

C (50:19)

You never know.

B (50:20)

Thank you for coming on my show.

C (50:22)

Oh, God. Thanks for having me. Lauren, right? Yes, Lauren. Good luck with the child. Can't wait to meet the father. Which one? Twins. They can be. They're probably interchangeable. Is one better looking?

B (50:36)

I think Mark is.

C (50:39)

Oh, but the hesitation. Mike.

B (50:42)

Because I'm like such a person that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Like I don't want Mike to be like, oh, I'm ugly.

C (50:47)

So you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings to the point of, fine, you can be the father of my child.

B (50:55)

But I don't love Mike.

C (50:57)

You think love has anything to do with anything these days?

B (51:00)

I do. I'm a hopeless romantic. Hope less.

C (51:05)

Exactly.

B (51:06)

Less.

C (51:07)

Exactly. Oh, God. This was great. We talked about the movie school. I'll be a professor. Good. Cotton green eyes, dirty hair.

B (51:18)

You got this, Kirk.

C (51:20)

5 Yellowstone Yellowstone Reservation dogs. That was my Yellowstone. Okay, look it up. I will look up something before you bring someone on your show next time. No.

B (51:33)

Then I ruin all the fun. Then I learn everything about you and I don't have any need for questions.

C (51:37)

You mean the stock. What's your fetish? What do you like? What do you do?

B (51:40)

I actually don't ask anybody what their fetishes.

C (51:42)

Thank you. What's mine?

B (51:44)

Girl in a tennis skirt, no panties.

C (51:47)

Hey, man, I got a fetish.

B (51:49)

I very rarely ask people what their fetish is.

C (51:51)

Why'd you ask me? Cause I look like a fetish?

B (51:53)

No, because I was just curious what it was. You look like a dirty dude that would have quite the stock of fetishes.

C (52:04)

And how great is it that such a dirty dude only has clean country club fetishes?

B (52:09)

I know.

C (52:10)

That's the magic of.

B (52:12)

But that's. I knew that there was going to be something else. Because you're not what you look like. That's why I was curious what it was because I knew that it wasn't going to be. You know what I'm saying?

C (52:26)

I'm going to ask you one question.

B (52:27)

Okay.

C (52:30)

Would you take my belief course in college?

B (52:33)

Yes.

C (52:34)

Thank you. That's all I needed to know.

B (52:37)

Totally.

C (52:38)

Thank you.

B (52:39)

But I enjoy experiments.

C (52:43)

Good.

B (52:43)

And I feel like it would be a total experiment, but I would be there for all of it. Not just to hear what you had to say, but for to see who else showed up. I'd want to see what the room felt like. I'd want to see who was really invested, who thought it was a joke and how it all played out like.

C (53:00)

And those who thought it was a joke ended up better as people having taken the class. Yeah, you're better having done this podcast, for sure. When I met you an hour ago, you were shit. But now you seem different. You took that tag off.

B (53:19)

Yeah.

C (53:19)

Now you don't care who the dad is. Now you're like, was it Mike or Mark? Who cares? They're both good guys. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It was dark. We'd had a lot of barbecue. Could have been Mike. Could have been Mike.

B (53:35)

That would be wild.

C (53:37)

For who?

B (53:38)

All involved.

C (53:40)

All right, will you keep me posted? Okay. Keep me posted.

B (53:44)

Okay.

C (53:45)

All right, well, thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next time. Lauren, what's your last name?

B (53:52)

Compton.

C (53:53)

Hot as shit, even pregnant.

B (53:55)

Here we go.

C (53:56)

I just didn't look that low. I say it above the child. Hard to believe I'm one of the greatest athletes in the world. This is my wave. Ow.

B (54:10)

First date, baby. Are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First date. I can't wait. You told your mom about me? Just say, you ready? Delete my number. First date, Your parents are your roommates.