Aries Spears - Episode 1092

Summary

Podcast Summary: Fitzdog Radio Episode 1092 Featuring Aries Spears

Title: Fitzdog Radio
Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: Aries Spears
Release Date: April 2, 2025
Duration: Approximately 82 minutes
Format: In-depth interview with comedic insights and personal anecdotes

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1. Introduction and Welcome

Greg Fitzsimmons opens the episode with reflections on his recent comedy tour across Canada and Pittsburgh. He shares humorous anecdotes about flight delays and his experiences performing in Pittsburgh, highlighting the supportive staff at The Improv and the vibrant, blue-collar audience. Greg emphasizes the invigorating effect of performing in such genuine environments, contrasting it with the fatigue often felt from extensive touring.

"Pittsburgh, PA. I gotta tell you something. The Improv. The staff at the Improv is among the best in the country. They treated me like gold."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [03:15]

2. Personal Stories and Audience Interactions

Greg recounts a memorable experience at his Pittsburgh show where he overhears a couple next door and humorously interacts with them, leading to a playful moment that engages the entire audience. He compares the dynamic to the infamous "Jerry Springer" moments, sharing his thoughts on the authenticity and chaos of live performances.

"It's like throwing this person under the bus for entertainment value right now? I don't know. It's like a Jerry Springer moment."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [10:50]

3. Reflection on Comedy and Life Balance

Transitioning from personal experiences, Greg discusses the emotional highs and lows of being on the road, including moments of depression and rejuvenation through performing. He introduces Aries Spears, highlighting his extensive career in comedy, including his tenure on MADtv, stand-up specials, and acting roles.

"My worst weekends, I come home feeling depleted and frustrated, but some weekends, like this one in Pittsburgh, I feel invigorated and excited about stand-up again."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [07:30]

4. Introduction of Aries Spears

Greg enthusiastically introduces Aries Spears as a legendary comedian, commending his work ethic, talent, and the respect he commands among peers and audiences alike. He sets the stage for an engaging and candid conversation.

"My guest is a legendary comic. All the comics love him, all the audiences respect him. He's been destroying for decades."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [19:06]

5. Journey in Comedy and Career Aspirations

Aries Spears shares his journey in the comedy industry, highlighting his early experiences and the challenges he faced. He reflects on his time at MADtv and expresses a long-held aspiration to join "Saturday Night Live" (SNL), discussing how different paths could have shaped his career differently.

"I'm grateful for MADtv because it made me more famous than I had been up to that point. But I always wanted SNL."
— Aries Spears [61:34]

6. Insights on Stand-Up Comedy and Audience Engagement

The conversation delves into the intricacies of stand-up comedy, with Aries emphasizing the importance of crowd work and the ability to adapt on stage. He criticizes the notion that certain comedic techniques are "hacky," advocating for authenticity and the primary goal of making the audience laugh.

"If the objective is to go up there and make an audience laugh, and you accomplish that mission, you've done your job."
— Aries Spears [77:09]

Greg concurs, highlighting the balance between maintaining a personal standard and adapting to different audience dynamics.

"When you're a comedian, you're making so many micro-decisions in that hour... external distractions can really impact your performance."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [58:29]

7. Navigating Race and Stereotypes in Comedy

Aries and Greg engage in a candid discussion about race, stereotypes, and their impact on comedy. Aries explores the parallels between Italian and African American cultures, humorously addressing how stereotypes influence comedic material.

"Black people, we do everything with a flair that takes it up a notch. If you accomplish that, your mission is accomplished."
— Aries Spears [34:35]

He also touches upon historical tensions and the representation of Black comedians in predominantly white media landscapes.

"Black people don't play that shit... We just do what we do."
— Aries Spears [34:17]

8. Personal Relationships and Life Outside Comedy

The discussion shifts to personal life, with Aries sharing insights into his relationships and the challenges of maintaining balance between personal and professional life. He humorously narrates interactions with his wife, emphasizing the importance of controlling chaos and maintaining respect in relationships.

"Sometimes you just gotta keep doing it till you get it right."
— Aries Spears [25:07]

Greg adds his own anecdotes about marital quirks, creating a relatable and humorous dialogue about shared experiences in relationships.

"What's the thing that drives me crazy about her? When I make turkey burgers, she'll always season them while they're still in the package."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [26:04]

9. Experiences on the Road and Managing Performances

Aries recounts various experiences from his tours, including confrontations and the importance of audience control. He describes handling hecklers and maintaining focus during performances, stressing the need for comedians to manage external distractions effectively.

"If somebody wants to put hands on you, you're not doing comedy. Unless somebody wants to put hands on you."
— Aries Spears [73:42]

Greg complements by discussing the delicate balance comedians must maintain to stay engaged with the audience while managing disruptions.

"Humility is everything. Some comedians are playing arenas and somehow still have humility."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [60:03]

10. The Business Side of Comedy and Creative Control

The conversation turns to the business aspects of comedy, including industry pressures, creative control, and the impact of management. Aries expresses his desire to create independently and resist external pressures that may undermine his creative vision.

"I refuse to believe that when you get to Jim Carrey's level, you're fighting the same fight that I'm fighting."
— Aries Spears [63:30]

Greg discusses the challenges of maintaining authenticity and the temptations of commercial success, advocating for staying true to one's roots and personal standards.

"I always say I crawl my way to the middle. I'm staying right here because I'm not... my head's not going to get blown out."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [60:53]

11. Final Thoughts and Tour Announcements

As the episode nears its conclusion, Greg and Aries share final insights and reflections on their careers. They discuss the importance of humility, controlling the chaos of live performances, and the personal satisfaction derived from maintaining a consistent performance level.

Aries lists his upcoming tour dates and promotes his podcast, "Spears and Steinberg," encouraging listeners to engage with his content across various platforms.

"Check out the podcast Spears and Steinberg, available on all streaming platforms. YouTube channel, Spearsburg Pod."
— Aries Spears [81:05]

Greg also highlights his own tour schedule, encouraging listeners to attend his live shows.

"Go to fitzdog.com and get yourself some tickets."
— Greg Fitzsimmons [80:22]

12. Conclusion

The episode wraps up with a light-hearted exchange between Greg and Aries, reinforcing their camaraderie and mutual respect. They reiterate the importance of staying grounded, respecting the audience, and continuously striving for genuine comedic expression.

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Notable Quotes and Moments

• Greg on Pittsburgh Audience:
  "The crowds are just real America. It's blue collar, but it's kind of smart blue collar and they can take a joke."
  — Greg Fitzsimmons [07:55]

• Aries on Maintaining Control:
  "I have to be in control of the chaos. It's like, giving your drunk uncle the keys to the gun cabinet."
  — Aries Spears [59:07]

• Discussion on Race and Comedy:
  "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice. But black dudes don't do booty jokes."
  — Aries Spears [31:18]

• Aries on Stand-Up Complexity:
  "Crowd work is hacky... it's one of the hardest art forms within the art form."
  — Aries Spears [78:05]

• Greg on Humility in Comedy:
  "Humility is everything. Some comedians are playing arenas and somehow still have humility."
  — Greg Fitzsimmons [60:03]

• Aries on Creative Control:
  "I'm trying to get healthier and do the right thing. I asked for a bottle of extra virgin olive oil and some apple cider vinegar."
  — Aries Spears [53:56]

---

Conclusion

Fitzdog Radio Episode 1092 featuring Aries Spears offers an insightful and entertaining exploration of the life and career of a seasoned comedian. Through candid conversations, personal anecdotes, and humorous exchanges, Greg Fitzsimmons and Aries Spears delve into the complexities of stand-up comedy, the impact of race and stereotypes, and the delicate balance between personal life and professional aspirations. The episode not only highlights the challenges comedians face on and off the stage but also underscores the importance of authenticity, humility, and resilience in the ever-evolving landscape of comedy.

Transcript

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. Fresh off my tour of Canada and Pittsburgh, Canada was amazing. Thank you people for coming out. I didn't know they got the Internet up there, but a lot of people had seen my special and they came out and they were amazing. Toronto, Canada and Hamilton, Canada, which is sort of like an hour and a half south of Toronto, but had a blast, little hectic. Flew into Pittsburgh on Friday. My flight was delayed. Air Canada sucks a bag of dicks. Can we just say that out of the gate? It is. They're just notorious for canceling and delaying flights. So anyway, my flight was four and a half hours delayed. I landed at 7pm and the show time was seven. No, I landed at 6:15. The show time was at seven and it was an hour away. So they delay the show a little bit. I literally changed in the car, into my tuxedo, got there and walked right on stage and the crowd couldn't. Been better. Pittsburgh, PA. I gotta tell you something. The Improv. The staff at the Improv is among the best in the country. They treated me like gold. They ran a good show, policed the audience well, gave me good food. They just, I just felt special and, and the crowds made me feel special. It was just one of these we, you know, I'm on the road a lot and I have, I have weekends that I come home depleted and frustrated and I have nights I go to the hotel room feeling depressed. This was one of the weekends you come home feeling kind of invigorated, kind of excited about standup again. Something about Pittsburgh, it's just, the crowds are just real America. It's blue collar, but it's kind of smart blue collar and they can take a joke. You can Shit on them. I talked. You know, it's the kind of city that people don't leave. Like, the people, you ask them where you from? They all say Pittsburgh. It's not like being in Austin where nine out of 10 people are from another city. Nobody comes there, nobody leaves there. It's just Pittsburgh. It is what it is. And I just had. I had so much fun. The hotel was crazy because it was a lot of people staying there that had come in to see me from West Virginia and Ohio that were staying at the hotel. It was fucking crazy. So many people came in and there was a couple next to me. The hotel room next. It was a beautiful day on Saturday. So I got the. I've got a sliding glass door to a little patio and I can hear people having sex, like from three feet away. There is a couple fucking on their patio. I mean, I literally, if I had leaned out, I could have. I could have stood there and watched them. And they were. And this woman, I felt like I need. The way she was enjoying it, the cursing, the moaning. I felt like I needed to go home and give my wife an apology because I haven't fucked. That was fucking. And. And I wanted to applaud them. When they were done, they sustained. It was a solid 30 minutes. And I could tell, you know, you try to picture them, of course, and they were. In my mind, they were overweight, middle aged black people. And does that sound racist? I don't know, maybe it does, but that's what they sounded like to me. And then that evening I left to go to the show. I walked out of my room at the same time they did. The middle age, black, overweight couple from next door stepped right out into the hallway. I don't know if they saw the sly grin on my face or the twinkle in my eye, but I like to think they knew that I knew. You don't make noises like that and not assume that your neighbors are all in on it. So that was kind of exciting. And then. This is crazy. I was thinking about Pittsburgh. It's very racially diverse. And the hotel had a lot of black people. And I'm getting off the elevator on Sunday and there is. I'm going up the elevator with these kind of older Pittsburgh Steeler jacket wearing couple, big belly on the guy. And the elevator door is open to our floor, the third floor, and there is a black couple opening up their door. They got the key and they're about to open up the door. And the white couple that I'm on the elevator with the guy goes, are you allowed to be here? And it was a needle scratching in my head. A needle scratching. I was like, what is. Should I get my phone out? What's happening? And. And the black guy kinda spins his head around and he said, what? And then the guy said, was it a Phillies jacket? The guy opening the door, the black guy had like a Phillies jacket on? No, no, a Redskins jacket on. And that's what he met. And he goes, Redskins or something. And I was just like, oh, my God, thank God. You don't know what year it is when you're in different parts of the country. It's different years. It's different decades altogether in some places. So I go to the show and I get an email from the club owner and he says to me, I should read it to you. I'm going to actually read it to you because this was. This was pretty amazing. The club, you know, the comics are all pretty close and everybody is very supportive of each other. And then I get an email that said text that says, hi, Greg Paul at the club here. Would you be open to a. Open to adding a guest spot tonight? It would be. And he says the guy's name. A local comic that has been touring for a while, a good comedian and he's been battling cancer. He was told by doctors that he only had a few weeks to live two months ago. He. He hosted here earlier this month. It really helps his spirits. I don't normally ask for something like this, but wanted to get him on stage again as he just got out of the hospital today. So I write back immediately. I write, fuck that guy. And then I let it sit. Here's the beauty of me is I didn't immediately write another text. I let it sit. I gave it two minutes. No, a minute. I gave it a minute to. Two minutes to germinate. And then I wrote, just kidding, of course, love to have him on. And so I went over and the guy comes in and he was. His name is Mark and he had just come from some kind of treatment. He doesn't look good and he's the sweetest guy you've ever met. I mean, he's just one of these guys you just. You want to take care of. He's just a sweetheart and he goes on stage and he crushes. He. He performed like. He just had such rhythm and timing and smart jokes and it was perfect personal. He's just got something very vulnerable about him on stage. And he didn't say to anybody in the crowd that he was sick. But I was just amazed. And also did his time. Did his time. If I'm about to die of cancer, I'm going long. Fuck the feature, fuck the headliner. I'm going to do. I'm going to do an hour. I'm going to do a one man show. I'm going to sop it up. Because if this cheers the guy, and I'd be all for it if this cheers the guy up, keep going, dude. But yeah, he was great. And I just was thinking about that, like, would I still go on stage if I knew I had, you know, weeks or months to go? And I guess I probably would. I mean, what else. What else are you going to do? When you're a comedian, you want to do the thing that brings you joy, that validates you. I think all the other bullshit falls away except the people that you really love the most and the thing that you love the most. So. And he was a little emotional and he was very honest about it. We talked in the green room. So anyways, that was interesting. We also had. We had some funny audience interactions. We had this woman's. This woman's in the front row and she's alone and she's adorable. And I asked her how old she is, and she says she's 27. And I said, why are you sitting alone at my comedy show? And she goes, I got stood up. I go, get the fuck out of here. You. You got stood up? And she was very gentle and nice. And I go. I go, who stood you up? And she told me that she'd gone on a Tinder date with this guy and then this was supposed to be their second date and that he canceled on her. I go, did he cancel? Like, did you show up to the show and he just didn't arrive? And she goes, no, he canceled like a few hours ago. And I go, and you came anyway by yourself. I said, good for you. I said, that's ballsy. That says a lot about you.

[Aries Spears]

Good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then you sat in the front row alone. So we kind of celebrated her a little bit. We talked about how she deserves better and she'll get better and blah, blah, blah. And then I gave her a pin, the Greg Fitzsimmons tour pin, which you can only get at live shows. And I gave it to her and her eyes welled up. She got teary because she was kind of touched. And then I said, let's call this asshole. And at first she hesitated. I go, no, trust me, let's just call this guy. So she. She dials his Number and I tell the crowd on the count of three. And we did rang and it rang and it rang. And of course he sent it to voicemail because he's fucking ghosting her. And I got to his voicemail on the count of three. The entire audience, 400 people, all screamed. Paul is a fag. If you could have heard it with, with rage in their voices because they love this girl. And she smiled for the first time and it was very sweet. So that was fun. It was a very Jerry Springer moment where I was like, am I throwing this person under the bus for entertainment value right now? I don't know. I saw that Jerry Springer. Did you see the thing on Netflix? It's about Jerry. I think it's. It's two or three episodes about the history of the Jerry Springer Show. And believe me, nobody loved it more than me. I watched it constantly and it's. But I didn't realize somebody got murdered. I'm sure a bunch of people got murdered, but one of them we know about, there was a woman who got killed by this guy. It was very sad. And it ruined his, her whole family's life. There was another guy that married a horse and the horse came on stage. Then the guy was making out with the horse. They were like tonguing each other like a little Shetland pony. And he was talking about how he fucks the horse. And that didn't get them thrown off the air. I mean, that show, you forget how insane that show was. The KKK would come on and then Jews would charge the stage and beat up the KKK guys. And one producer said he quit because there was a girl who was a prostitute. She was like. She was like a 17 year old prostitute and she wanted her father to come on the show so he would stop calling her her escort service to get set up with him. So the producer goes to the woman's hotel room the night before to check on her and the father answers the door and the girl is in a robe and the guy got nauseous and he quit the show. That, that night. That was it. I mean, it's dark, it's fucking. Do you think of Jerry Springers? It's fun. People hit each other with folding chairs. But they were so under the gun to they beat Oprah in the ratings. Everybody was watching that show until we, until they didn't. Until people go like, all right, now I think they're faking it. But anyway, not to bum you guys out, but that, that, that was, that was what I watched coming to you live. Boston Massachusetts this weekend. Laugh Boston April 4th and the 5th. I'm actually coming in the night before because I'm going to the Red Sox opening day on the day of the 4th and that's gonna be fun if it doesn't get rained out. Huntington at the Mamba on May 4th. Escondido Grand Comedy May 9th and 10th. Then I'll be coming to Cincinnati, Dayton, Kentucky at the Commonwealth on May 16th and 17th. Then I'm coming to Tampa, Escondido, Torrance, Austin, Point Pleasant, NJ. Just added LA Jolla. A bunch of new dates. So go to fitzdog.com get yourself some tickets. All right. I'm very excited to tell you about a new sponsor to the show that are do you want to support American farms these days? How about Mood? Mood is it's the only, it's the only online cannabis company that I would endorse. They're revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges. Sleepless nights, you got some stress filled days. 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I've known him for a long time, and I had such a good time sitting down with him this past week. We shot the shit. We talked for another hour after the show. He had an eight season run on MADtv. He's a master impressionist, a killer stand up. He was on Def Comedy Jam a bunch, the Tonight show, he's had hour specials on Comedy Central, and he was in Jerry Maguire. I know you're gonna love it. Kick back, take a little gummy, and enjoy Aries Spears. Aries Spears is my guest. Welcome.

[Aries Spears]

What's up, brother Yankees?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's right, you're a New Yorker.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. I think first and foremost, though, should kind of tell everybody how this is full circle for me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How's that?

[Aries Spears]

Because, you know, when I first started my podcast going on six years ago, everybody was like, well, the key to successful podcasts and awareness is you got to do other people's podcasts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

So your podcast was the very first podcast that I was ever on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I remember that. I remember that. I think I said that to you when I saw you. We were both at KROC doing interviews. Was it KROC the other day?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I. I said, you got to come back on again. And. And I. And then I remember, I go, you were a little nervous last time you did it.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, I mean, you know, it was. It was first time out the gate, so, you know, I didn't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you were great. I mean, immediately when we started, you were fine, but you came in kind of like, how does this work?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now yours is the Jew and the Jerk. Is that your.

[Aries Spears]

Yes. Spears and Steinberg. The Jew and the Jerk. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Steinberg is who?

[Aries Spears]

Andy Steinberg. He's my opener.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you can shoot it on the road.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, that's how we do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Video and audio.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, both. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long is he open for you?

[Aries Spears]

About, oh, about six years now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you. Does he change up his act as you. As you change up your act or is he kind of doing a standard 20?

[Aries Spears]

You know, if that, you know, it varies. He's doing a lot more crowd work now, so he'll add that into what he's already doing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you. Does that bother you?

[Aries Spears]

If, you know what if you start.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Talking to the same person he's talking to. Because you do crowd work.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, but no, my. Our attack modes are completely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What he might see.

[Aries Spears]

I. We might see completely different things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

You know, and even if we see the same thing, I don't want to come off that way. But I'm. I'm pretty. I'm nice with it, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So. So he's the jerk.

[Aries Spears]

No, I'm the jerk. He's the Jew.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But on stage, it sounds like you're the nicer one.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You go hard.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, I go hard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay, okay.

[Aries Spears]

I'm like Shaq in his prime. I go hard in the paint. I go hard in the paint, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Shaq. Shaq enjoyed landing on people and then sticking around for a second and eyeballing you.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was all by design. You know, if, you know Shaq, he's a big kid, he's a big entertainer. You know, it's almost like if he wasn't a basketball player, comedy would have been his forte.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to do this show called Upload with Shaq.

[Aries Spears]

I did that show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. So I went on that show and I did this thing where he on me early on. And so I said, so I started calling him every other black guy's name. I'd be like, well, listen, Moses. And, and so he started laughing. And then by the end, he had his head down, he was pounding it. And so when the, when the show would end, they would play music and everybody would dance. He fucking picked me up and put me on his shoulders and was dancing with a 50 year old man sitting on his shoulders. And I'm just holding his head, just looking like, I don't want to be here right now.

[Aries Spears]

I always said, thank God he never had early angry Mike Tyson energy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Because for a dude to be that tall and that big and that girthy, if he had Mike Tyson's angry energy, white people put away the kids and lock the doors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And he does it all, man. He's like, he's a sheriff in some county down.

[Aries Spears]

Well, that's laughable. But is it undercover work? Never.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never do your impression of Shaq trying to fit in a teenage at a frat Party.

[Aries Spears]

All right. As long as we bring the keg and a bear and everybody act responsible, Nobody annoys me. We gonna charge people $5 at the door. Red cups only. You only get in with a red cup.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great. So did you guys, like connect on that show? Did you like, stay in touch?

[Aries Spears]

Oh, absolutely. I, you know. Well, not stay in touch in the sense that, you know. Hey, man, what you doing this weekend? Let's. I'm gonna come to the barbecue. You know, it's more like Friends by, you know, entertainment affiliation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

You know, your real friends will help you bury a body.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Aries Spears]

You know what I mean? But whenever I see him, it's all love, you know, Mutual respect.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, so that's. That's as close as we are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice to have. That's the funny thing about la. Like, people don't exchange numbers as much.

[Aries Spears]

Well, if it's not genuine, they exchange them, but you know, you know it's not genuine because.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

It's just for, you know, in the moment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got Shaq's number on my phone.

[Aries Spears]

I do too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But I've never used it.

[Aries Spears]

And if you have it, it probably ain't working cuz he changes his number every three months.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, yeah, Black people do.

[Aries Spears]

Well, no, no, no, no. I. I part as a part of the black delegation. Yeah, don't really do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You've had the same number for a long time.

[Aries Spears]

This, this is the longest I've had my last number. Yeah, but for a minute. You know, I would change it from time because, you know, them hoes get close, man. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you still single?

[Aries Spears]

No, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But do you have two phones? You ever had two phones?

[Aries Spears]

I did at one point, but that. I didn't like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because of a girlfriend, Because I was.

[Aries Spears]

Trying to be slick. Yeah, yeah. But I did that once. The keep up is too much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, man. If your wrong phone rings.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. I feel like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive, like Tommy Lee is always two steps behind me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. So.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, I don't. I don't want that much headache, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus Christ.

[Aries Spears]

So you've never been married twice to the same woman and might do it a third time?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. Dude. You know, sometimes you just gotta keep doing it till you get it right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But that's one theory. So wait, when you break up, is there alimony?

[Aries Spears]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you've got two different alumni. Does the new marriage cancel out the old alimony? And is that why you keep getting remarried?

[Aries Spears]

Well, no, it doesn't. But I keep getting remarried. Cause, listen, I'm not gonna paint myself a saint. I'm toxic. She's toxic. But the same thing that makes us go at each other like Israel and Palestine is the same passion that makes us love each other like Bonnie and Clyde.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Aries Spears]

You know what I mean? And listen, man, I'm not big on change. I'm 49. I'll be 50 April 3rd. And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you're an Aries. Who's named Aries?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So to be out here in these streets trying to tackle something new, broad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I just don't have the patience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Aries Spears]

The time or the energy. I don't give a fuck about your birthday, what your favorite color is. You know, just suck my dick and I'll pay the light bill.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like that.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think that's the T shirt you should sell after your shirt.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. I'm sure I can get on the plane with that one. Nobody will complain.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I think it's like, marriage can be a thing where you go, like. And I think maybe especially on your third one, you start to realize that you don't need to fight every battle. And you realize the ones about each other that are important. Like with my wife, we got these double doors that we put our coats in when we come in the door. And when I leave them open, she loses her shit. I can either stand there and say, honey, they're just two doors. You can just close them yourself.

[Aries Spears]

How dare you make sense.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Or I can just close the fucking doors, right? And absorb a punch or two and move on. And then later on, when I say, what's the thing that drives me crazy about her? Oh, when I make turkey burgers, she'll always season them while they're still in the package. She'll open the top of the package and season. But then I go, yeah, but I gotta make the patties with my hand. And then the seasonings all over the place. You just don't do that. And I swear to you three times, I don't yell at my wife. I was. My volume was raised.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then I stop and I go, what is this? Was I raped by a turkey? Like, why am I so angry about a turkey burger? But then now she realizes, don't season the fucking turkey burger.

[Aries Spears]

Hey, man, you know? Yeah, you're right. And it's like the older I'm getting, the more I just. I want to just fall back and, you know, not. No drama.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I don't know. Drama, man. No you know, and, you know, listen, again, I'm no saint. I've done a lot of shit wrong. But I'm at that point now where I'm going, dude. I'm just too old to be acting like I'm 20.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, so there's certain things that you just have to surrender to. And it's been hard for me to come to that realization.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

That I have to surrender. You know, it's like, I don't like going to bed at a certain set time. I don't like not being able to eat bacon, cheeseburgers and fried chicken. You know, I don't like having. You know, but now I gotta go do it. I gotta fucking have a diet, a bedtime.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aries Spears]

This shit is real, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It's all about managing energy. And it's not just about the weight and the cholesterol with that food. It's about like, you have a cheeseburger for lunch, you're gonna need a nap at 3:00. You know, when you're young, you can rip through food and do good, but now you gotta go, like, all right, I gotta get that extra hour sleep. That means I gotta go to bed earlier. And, you know, even masturbation for me has become something I really stagger out. I can't go at it every day.

[Aries Spears]

Well, I. You know, a lot of dudes don't want to believe this. Women too, but I haven't beat off to completion since I was 16. I refuse to masturbate. Never.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No kidding.

[Aries Spears]

Why? For what? Why would I do to myself what a woman can do, which feels so much better?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When you say not to completion, do you go 90% and then back?

[Aries Spears]

I just. No, I just meant that, you know, I mean, all the way to the. You know, the male mayonnaise shoots off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, but I haven't done that since I was 16, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No kidding.

[Aries Spears]

I don't even think I could get an erection with it just in my hand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think maybe you're not doing it right.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, no, I know how to do it. Ain't but one way to do. Ain't a. You know, it ain't algebra back and forth, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you using your right hand?

[Aries Spears]

I'm a lefty.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe. Try it with your right hand.

[Aries Spears]

I don't have as much strength, but that's the key.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's. Neither does a woman. It'll feel more like a woman.

[Aries Spears]

A woman could breathe on it and I'm shooting off. It's a woman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I guess I Guess that makes sense. I think that's very Buddhist. I think Buddhists probably don't masturbate. I think it's the life energy that you're getting at. First of all, nutritionally, you know how much protein you gotta eat to make up one cum shot? You're just taking really good nutrients and expelling them from your body.

[Aries Spears]

Listen, I think that with my diet, in terms of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, drinking, smoking, the only reason why I'm alive is because I probably come five times a week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I think a good nut keeps you alive.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Aries Spears]

And I think a lot of men die because they ain't fucking enough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I agree. I agree. But I also think it's good for your prostate. The doctors now recommend that you ejaculate five times a week.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, my prostate is as healthy as height. Poof.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Your doctor puts his finger in, he can't get past the second knuckle.

[Aries Spears]

Now, we ventured into white man humor. Niggas don't do booty jokes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Why is that? Why is there. No, it's really. Is ass play not as common now, do you think, in the black world, or you just don't talk about it?

[Aries Spears]

You know, listen, I actually do a very funny joke about when I had my prostate checked because, you know, the black community is very homophobic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, and very conservative. And black men just don't play that shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

So even in my joke, you know, I address the elephant in the room, which is at the end of the joke, I go, you know what's funny about when I tell that joke is all the black men, they want to laugh. You tried to laugh, but you fought it. But the white guys don't have a problem laughing at that because white boys play gay games with each other all the time. Tanner. Dude, Ethan, sleep. Put your cock on his face and take a picture. That kind of shit is funny to white guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, throw a cracker in the middle. Let's see who can do it first.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. Black dudes don't. We don't play games, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, are you watching White Lotus?

[Aries Spears]

No, I'm not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, because there's way to get to the last episode of season three. I just talk about white guys playing gay games.

[Aries Spears]

I just did my boy Jay Moore's podcast recently.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's a fun.

[Aries Spears]

I saw a clip of him talking about. Can anybody just please tell me what the fuck White Lotus is about?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not about anything. There's literally no plot. The guy, Mike. Mike White. I Think his name is the writer. It's like he did two great seasons. It was fun.

[Aries Spears]

Of that show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of that show. But it's. It's the same resort, but they. The first season was in Hawaii, the second season was in Italy, and now this one's in Thailand. But it's the same like, it's like a four seasons resort. And the first two were fun. And then this one, like. I just keep, I keep. When does the fucking story start, dude?

[Aries Spears]

My two favorite shows of all time, one of which I own the six season pink velvet DVD box collection. Sex and the City and the Sopranos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're kidding me right now.

[Aries Spears]

I am not. Sex and the City was my fucking show. No way. Kidding me. The writing on that show was phenomenal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's all puns, it's all word play.

[Aries Spears]

Well, you could tell the influenced.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Some of them jokes. Hey, honey, the delivery is such. It's so obviously gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but still no. That the showrunner was a gay guy.

[Aries Spears]

Yes, of course.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Michael something.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, but between the writing and the characters.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And the, you know, anybody that's ever been in a relationship with the opposite sex. Yeah, you can relate to that, you know, so Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who was yours? Who would have been your.

[Aries Spears]

Well, them legs on Charlotte, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, Christy, what's her name? Christine Davis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What are you asking me for? I don't watch that show, man.

[Aries Spears]

That show is. I can't believe you like that show best. Wow. How could you not as a comedian? It's, it's, it's education. This school's in session and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's true, I guess. You are finding out about the, the female, the sexual psyche of the female of white people.

[Aries Spears]

A lot of it. A lot of it for a woman, period. You know, regardless of color. Speaks to women, obviously. But if you really want to nab a white bitch, watch Sex in the City.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I see. That's your angle.

[Aries Spears]

No, that's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's because there was no black women in that show.

[Aries Spears]

No, but my angle is funny first.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And funny gets you to women.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

So it does both things at once.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, it's just culturally you learn some things about white women that normally you might not have.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, Cosmopolitan and, you know, like that flavor douches.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. My other show was the Sopranos. Oh, God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know. I'm with you on that. I think that's probably my number one show. I'm re watching it for the fourth time right now. And the pilot episode, it's the Great. Well, not the greatest. It's up there with the greatest pilot episodes of all.

[Aries Spears]

Sort of the greatest shows of all time. Question for show. Pushy. My kids. Metal on. AJ Go down to Audi's for the matter guy with the of gravy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How do you say gabagoo?

[Aries Spears]

A gabagool. You know, people always ask me, when you do an impression, how do you know? It's like having an ear for music.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Everybody's voice is a note, a key.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

And with Tony, it's the ish. Talking about Jadish. Uncle June.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, Sylvio's Uncle Joe, the Johnny Shaq.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You got at the Shack. So, yeah. If you get them, the notes you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In there, if you really want to impersonate him, get a plate of ziti. Nobody eats a plate of ziti like James Galloway.

[Aries Spears]

Well, you could hear them breathing. You could hear a fork stabbing. You could hear the fork stabbing a plate a couple of times. You end up braving. It's the popsicles in my mouth. The sauce.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sauce.

[Aries Spears]

The sauce. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God, that was amazing. You know, in the pilot episode, they didn't pick the show up for like a year. And in that year, he gained £15 on purpose. And he went to a voice coach to learn a better Jersey athlete.

[Aries Spears]

Well, I don't know if you noticed it, but since you bring that up, in the first two seasons, it wasn't as cartoony. It was more like, you know, I've been walking on the wall all week. But then later, you know, it got of that, you know, but before, it was a lot deeper and it wasn't as over the top.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. And then you see him talk in real life and you're like, it's mind blowing.

[Aries Spears]

Because I remember the first time because, I mean, I had always seen him in the movies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

But I'd never really focused on him like that until the Sopranos. But by that time, I was hearing ish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

But then I saw him do an interview on 60 Minutes, and the guy asked him, what do you attribute the show's success to? You know, it's great writing, David Chase. It's all about the writing. And the writing is. I was like, what the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know.

[Aries Spears]

Who is this dude? Because I just thought he was always that Tony sound.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

So it was just weird to hear that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, he was also way coked up in those later seasons.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. So I found out. I didn't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. And he. He used to. He used to hook up with my friend Was a bartender in the. In the West Village. And he used to come into this one bar, Jane Street Cafe, I think it was called. And she said he was, like, telling her that they were shutting down production some days because he was so up and he was struggling with it.

[Aries Spears]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I didn't know that. You know, it's amazing. I met at least five or six different people from that show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I was at a club in New York, and I ran into kid that played A.J.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

On the show on the lot where we shot mad tv. I ran into Richie Aprile, Uncle June at the Laugh Factory. But I never met Gandolfini. And I remember I ran into Steven Van Zatt at the XM radio station. Cause he had a podcast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Aries Spears]

But I just was like, dude, I never met the big dog. And I was always a little intimidated because he seems like if you catch him on the bad day, he might Tony Soprano you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, he goes after the paparazzi.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, yeah, I've seen it. Viciously.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. But.

[Aries Spears]

So.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but that show, really. It'll go down in history. It'll stand the test of time. And, you know, there was a time where we had this kind of, like, guido fetish in this country. You know, started with the Godfather, and then it was Goodfellas, and then the Jersey Shore.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then. And then Sopranos, and it was like, all right, I'm no longer enamored with a guy with a dumb accent who dresses nicely because we're his mom's food.

[Aries Spears]

Because we're men, We're. We are inclined to, like, what I like to call on my podcast, man food movies, whatever. You know, guns, explosions, breasts, fights, blood, action movies. That's man food criteria. And Italian mob movies have always been man food. But listen, man, black people, we really have an affinity for the mob shit. Because Italians and niggas, we cut from the same cloth. You know, Italians speak in ebonics like black people. And I do this thing on stage where I go, here's an Italian ebonics word you've all heard before. You ready, both of yous?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And a lot of the crowd is like, I don't know. When an Italian dad says to his kids when they're getting on his nerves, whoa, knock it the fuck off. You guys have been going at it all fucking day. I can't take no more. I. And I'm talking to the bothies. So, you know, we let that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like that.

[Aries Spears]

Bo is Bos Bois.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. The. The There was a movie. Christopher Walken made some speech about how Sicilians specifically are related to black people.

[Aries Spears]

And they don't want to admit that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Italians don't want to admit to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, they killed him for saying it. They blew his head.

[Aries Spears]

You know, it's funny. Like, again, we have this love for Italian culture and everything. Mafia. When I go, you know, I wish Italians felt the same way about us the way they do about. We do about them, because they call us all kind of mulians, and. And I'm like, but y'all cut from the same cloth, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

If you do the history, y'all are basically us just with, you know, a tanner skin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Come on, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you. You know, Italian men. Womanizers.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're a womanizer.

[Aries Spears]

Well, men are womanizers, period. But black people, we do everything with a flair that takes it up a notch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Aries Spears]

You know, again, I got this thing where it's like. One of the things I love about Italians, too, is, like, black people, they really don't bite their tongue. And they're great for making quotes and sayings that either make no sense or are extremely racist. Like, you could have two Italian dudes standing on a corner talking about their relationships, and one will say to the other, and, you know, there's a saying associated with black women, particularly when a white man dates outside of his race.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Hey, man, the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Yeah, but you let two Italian guys tell us. Fucking Vito. I heard you went down to Florida with your new gooma. Understand she's a black chick. I didn't know you like fucking shines. Hey, Paulie, don't knock it till you try it. Like, the saying goes, the darker the. The sweeter the berry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So they take the phrase and they run it through the. The racist generator.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And.

[Aries Spears]

And probably, like, really think that's how the saying goes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Right, right.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hilarious. Yeah, they. The Italians are. They. They are the most racist. I don't know what it is, whether it's Boston or the Bronx or Philly.

[Aries Spears]

Very colorful, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I don't know. I think maybe it's that Italian immigrants ended up living near black neighborhoods like you. You look at, like, Howard's Beach.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In New York, where there was that incident with Yusef Hawkins.

[Aries Spears]

Was that Yusef Hawkins?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I don't remember, but they chased that dude into traffic.

[Aries Spears]

It was Yusef Hawkins. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, yeah, there was. There's always been tension in. In Those particular cities. I don't know where else. Italians seem to mostly be he.

[Aries Spears]

That's why. Yeah, that's why I said, you know, whenever I perform in the East, I feel at home. Because growing up in New York, Italians are all over the eastern seaboard. Once you get to west coast, Midwest, South.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know nothing. Yeah, I know.

[Aries Spears]

Which is why I can't even do some of the Italian jokes anywhere else. Because they don't. People don't. The connection's not there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Aries Spears]

You know, you're Irish, aren't you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm Irish. I was born in the Bronx and then grew up mostly in Tarrytown.

[Aries Spears]

I don't know if you know this, but there's a great nine part documentary series on HBO Max right now about the Celtics.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I saw the first episode.

[Aries Spears]

Right. And I'm a binger, so I'm waiting until they all finish so I can just binge it. But, you know, you talk about Boston and Southie and the North End, you know, really rough in terms of racism. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Probably the Irish. I mean, look, the Irish have a bad history as well, of in New York City when there was riots where there were black neighborhoods in New York that were like middle class, upper middle class. And the Irish were, you know, recent immigrants. They were bred like rats. There was just hundreds of thousands of out of work Irish, and they burned down some of the black. Do you ever hear about this in New York?

[Aries Spears]

No, I didn't hear about that. But that's reminiscent of the Tulsa, Oklahoma.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly. No, it was a lot like that. Yeah. And so the Irish have a bad history with niggas.

[Aries Spears]

Can't have.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. Yeah. Yeah. And so it's checkered. But also, Ireland as a country was never involved in any way with slavery.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which is good. We have that going for us. We just kind of took a bad turn when we came over here.

[Aries Spears]

I've always wondered, and you said you, you, you're Irish, but you were Brooklyn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bronx.

[Aries Spears]

Bronx. That's born and raised.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was there till I was eight and then I moved to Tarrytown, so.

[Aries Spears]

Never been to Boston, though?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I went to college in Boston.

[Aries Spears]

I always wondered why.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's where I started doing stand up.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, okay. I always wonder what black dudes don't have that accent that are from there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. It's almost like Patrice O'Neil. Almost sounded like a guy from Brooklyn or something.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, he was from Roxbury.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. Dwayne Perkins has kind of a little bit of a Boston accent.

[Aries Spears]

Never heard it in him?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, never. Tiny bit. But not. Not like white guys, that's for sure.

[Aries Spears]

No, no, no. As a matter of fact, his sound is very highly educated.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Highly educated. Why is that?

[Aries Spears]

He's not. He's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why did that come out like a slam?

[Aries Spears]

Because he's not gonna be. He's not gonna be confused for a good times. He gonna be a Huxtable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he's a Huxtable. That's hilarious. Yeah, it's. Now the Irish have a bad history, but also, you know, we. I think we fought with the Italians just as much. And then, you know, and then it's funny, the Irish, once we got any money at all, now they've all become Republicans. You know, we were the original Democrats, the Kennedys, you know, fighting for civil rights and, you know, all that stuff in the 60s. And then in the 80s they all got sort of. Well, part of it was that they're all Catholic and the Republican Party sort of co opted that with abortion laws and gay laws and that's where the Catholics gravitated to, but. Yeah. So what part of New York are you from?

[Aries Spears]

I grew Up West Side, 34th Street, 9th and 10th Avenue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hell's Kitchen.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really? That's an Irish neighborhood.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. You know, latchkey kid, you know, playing around in deserted parking lots. Right, right in the area. But I love it, man. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where'd you go to high school?

[Aries Spears]

I actually moved to Jersey by the time it was time for me to go to high school. So I went to elementary and out there. P.S. 33. And then by the time I hit junior high high, I was in Jersey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What part of Jersey?

[Aries Spears]

North. North Brunswick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. Down by the old Laugh. The stress fact.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah. Exit 9.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exit 9. Know it well.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a weird area. It's nice.

[Aries Spears]

It ain't what it used to be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. It's kind of seedy now, right?

[Aries Spears]

No, it was seedy when I was coming up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I haven't been there in a while.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, no, really? No, no, no. Let me. Well, you know, it's funny, back then that used to be really a all black neighborhood. Yeah. Since then it's now Mexican. But it's not what it used to be. It just isn't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I remember last time I was at the stress factory. I would go out to staying at the hotel, I'd go out for food and it was literally nine Mexican restaurants. Church Street, Is that the one? All Mexican restaurants, Right. And the club, if people don't know, the stress. Go to the Stress Factory.

[Aries Spears]

It's one of the greatest clubs in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The city, in the country. It's just so much fun. Jersey people are especially. The women are loud, but fun loud. You know, they're not heckling you, but they want to be involved in the show. And then Vinnie Brand, who owns the place, he starts the show out. He's a comedian, allegedly. And then he starts the show with, I don't like the videos of, like, guys stepping on a rake, then Jim Carrey jumping up and down with a mask on. Like, they do, like, 10 minutes of the best moments of comedy. Like, I don't need to follow that shit. And then he's got this camera that. That goes around the crowd, and it's. It'll zoom in on a girl, and then it'll just write like, whore. And then it'll go to a guy and be like, faggot. And then the crowd's laughing and they're cheering, and. And then Vinnie goes on stage, and there's his payphone on stage. And he does this thing where he gets people to give their friends, like, mothers phone numbers. And then he'll call them on stage and be like, yeah, Barry's here. Can you come pick him up? We just caught him sucking somebody's dick in the men's room. And then the whole crowd goes, ah. And they go. And now Greg Fitzsimmons. You're like, what? I can.

[Aries Spears]

But you know what? Here's what I love about it. It's. It's old school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's old school.

[Aries Spears]

It's intimate. You're in the basement kind of when you got to step down. It's the brick wall. It's just very intimate. And a lot of clubs just aren't like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Aries Spears]

It's the reason why I love helium in Philly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, it's the reason why I Love Improv in D.C. yeah. You know, I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like the. Yeah, the little clubs where the staff doesn't change. Those are the clubs you want to be at because it's like a home. It's like a family. They party together after the show.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. You know, I recently did Ontario Improv, which is also in my top five. But then, you know, places that used to be, but not anymore, like Irvine Brea, since they remodeled and they've become, you know, like, flashier, cleaner, nicer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Feels like the theater. Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

It feels like a renovated strip club. Give me the dirty strip club. Who had, like, you know, pregnancy tests are still in the trash, you know what I mean? The bitches got bullet wounds, stab wounds, you know, like that. A comedy club should feel like a dirty strip club.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I want to see blood on the brick wall behind me.

[Aries Spears]

I don't want the stage to look like Flash dance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, no, you know what I mean?

[Aries Spears]

I want old pussy juice on the pole.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Old pussy juice.

[Aries Spears]

You got to Windex it down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got to Windex it down. Otherwise the next girl's not going to be able to slide. She's going to stuck.

[Aries Spears]

Come on, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Keep that pole clean.

[Aries Spears]

Exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I like Punchline in San Francisco's Life.

[Aries Spears]

I've never performed there. Oh, yeah, I've been through there, but I've never performed there. I always do Cobbs, and that's a weird joint.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's a rock club. It's got that balcony. I don't like a balcony in a club. If possible, no balcony. Yeah, because then the ceiling's too high, and again the laughter kind of dissipates into the inside.

[Aries Spears]

Well, you know, the only reason why I like a balcony is because if anything, that I could create a joke from. Yeah, Like, I'll. I'll do the improv in Virginia beach, and they have the balcony, and some girl might yell out, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, I can't hear you. Jump. Closer. Jump.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, there's. And there's always the. The. Is that the Abe Lincoln section you're in up there, sir?

[Aries Spears]

Right, right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then. Yeah, and then the other clubs that I really like are the ones where they're just independently owned and operated, where the guy. It's like, in the old days, he'd pick you up at the airport, take you to your hotel, take you to radio in the morning.

[Aries Spears]

Well, yeah, no, I'm good with all the. Everything but the picking me up shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you don't want that anymore.

[Aries Spears]

Let me tell you something. When I first got on the road, I didn't know anything about writers and shit like that, so I was just, you know, I was green. So it was like, you know, however you pick me up, you pick. Pick me up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And here's the day I went, all right, that's enough of this. I did some club in South Carolina, and the host was a clown by day, comic by night. This picked me up in the clown car.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was 11 other guys in it.

[Aries Spears]

No, but it was a big boot. That was a clown boot with a big nose on the hood. And I'm just sitting next to this in the clown Car, you know, parked at a light and I'm looking at all the pussies dry up that roll next to me. And I just went, nah, man, I need a rider, dude. I need a town car. Pick me up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He hits the horn. It's like.

[Aries Spears]

Get the out of here. No, sir.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, it was always like a guy who chain smoked and it was a Ford. What were those shitty Fords? Ford Focus or something?

[Aries Spears]

Pinto or.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, not the Pinto. Taurus. Remember, everyone had a. Fuck. Every road comic had a taurus in the 90s. But, you know, I respect the hustle of the guys that, you know, have a small club like you just talked about doing a one nighter. You know, I went to Alaska and I did. I did a couple nights in the fall, and these guys, they pick me up at a pickup truck at the airport, put me in this nice hotel, and then, you know, and then they're there. They're the local radio guys. I don't want that all the time, but once in a while, it's. Charming.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, I'm done with charming, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, no, I.

[Aries Spears]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And what do you get picked up in, like a suv?

[Aries Spears]

No. Well, sometimes, but. But either SUV or a town car. Just by a town car service.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

You know, because the other thing was like, you know, when. Before that, it was like, you know, well, the. The one of the wait staff will pick you up and take you to the airport.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Problem with that is sometimes the motherfuckers don't get up on time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

So if I got a 6am flight and. Because they went out drinking with the rest of the staff the night before.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I'm sitting outside the hotel like, yo, I'm gonna miss my flight. Where the fuck are you? Oh, I slept. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no. I remember there was a comedian. I won't say his name, but Dane Cook flew in to do a college. And the. The college person picked him up at the airport and they went to his hotel and had sex before the show. That's not a bad pickup right there.

[Aries Spears]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Okay. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I don't know the guy's name that picked him up, but it was a college student.

[Aries Spears]

Wait a minute.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no, it was not a guy.

[Aries Spears]

Okay, all right, I'm sorry. There was a delay on my part, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I believe he told that story on my podcast. So. I'm not. I'm not. What else is in your rider?

[Aries Spears]

I'm. I'm very simple, man. I. I don't really have anything else other than some I just added, which is, you know, because I'm trying to get healthier and do the right thing. I asked for a bottle of extra virgin olive oil and some apple cider vinegar.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What are you douching yourself before the show?

[Aries Spears]

A tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil is very good for you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just drink it straight.

[Aries Spears]

Just straight. And then I mix some water with some apple cider vinegar and down that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Helps your voice too, I bet.

[Aries Spears]

A little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

A little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I usually ask for decaffeinated tea and honey just for my voice, you know.

[Aries Spears]

It'S really great for that, flying the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Same day as the show, really. All dried out from the flight.

[Aries Spears]

Throat coat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, throat coat's the best.

[Aries Spears]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Throat coat with some honey, a little bit of lemon. I drink. I drink those before the show, and I'm good. What else have I. What? Who's the guy that asked for the sneakers on every show?

[Aries Spears]

Eddie Griffin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Eddie Griffin. It gets the same. What is it, like, Air Jordan?

[Aries Spears]

Air Force ones. A fresh pair of Air Force ones every single. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. That's the weirdest rider thing I've ever heard. I like when they. I like when they leak out somebody's rider because, like, Madonna would have one that was like. I mean, that's literally where like, the. Oh, yeah, Orange M and M's thing came from.

[Aries Spears]

I remember when. When we had Jaymore on our party was saying, socks. Fresh, clean socks and a humidifier.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was his thing.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Socks and what, in case he's, like, on the road too long?

[Aries Spears]

No, he said. He just. He goes, there's nothing that feels better than a pair of fresh, clean socks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, I never was weird like that. I don't know if I should even say it's weird, but I try to be as low maintenance as possible, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, I don't. Whatever that star diva shit is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I gotta have this. And this has got to be. The room's got to be set to a certain. I don't give a fuck about none of that. Yeah, just pay me, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

Just pay me. Respect me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what I want. I want the respect that they're gonna police the room when I'm on stage. If somebody's. If there's people talking, I want them warned and then thrown out, which is great. Number one.

[Aries Spears]

Which is great when it's done. But then there's places where I just. There Was. There's been places where I will, literally. And listen, I'm pretty good at shut up and down. But when, you know, you dealing with somebody who's like, the mahuja Dean, they so drunk that it's a suicide bomber, you can't beat them. So I'm just. At one point, I just go, what the fuck are y'all doing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Are all the fucking wardens and the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Guards at lunch and they're all getting paid. They're standing. They're standing in the lobby shooting the shit or on the.

[Aries Spears]

Or standing against the wall in the club. Like, what the fuck are y'all doing, man?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't mind if they're yelling at me. At least I got somebody I can engage. It's the table that's talking, talking to each other, right? Because not only are they throwing me off, they're fucking up everybody around them. They gotta go. That's why I don't want any parties more than four people anywhere near the stage. They are in the back row where you can throw them right out.

[Aries Spears]

Does it bother you when you're doing your show and they start dropping checks?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a way to do it. Stagger it. Don't drop every check. At the. Sometimes they all come out and they blanket the whole crowd. They got six servers all dropping like, no, hit this section, then this one. Gimme a chance. Yeah, yeah.

[Aries Spears]

See, it's amazing that people don't know you have to be a comedian to know some of that inside shit. Because from the outside looking in, you'd go, what's the big deal? You just get up there, you tell your joke. But people don't understand, man, the level of concentration you have to have at times when you're going, I'm in the middle of a bit. I can't stop to address something. Because if I do that, you can't go back to the bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's dead.

[Aries Spears]

But at the same time, you're also gauging, are they talking so much that I really need to address it? Because if they're not that big of a nuisance, I can let this go. But if they keep going, at some point you're going like, double Dutch. When do I fucking. And then when the staff comes over, another thing that bothers me that I want to say is kneel the fuck down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pretend it's a helicopter.

[Aries Spears]

Because when you're standing in front of the stage, straight up, it's like everybody's watching TV and you're in the way. And it distracts. Distracts from them paying attention to what I'm doing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

So it's like, it might seem petty, but those little things, it matters.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. When you're a comedian, you're making so many micro decisions in that course of that hour, you know, am I going too fast? Am I. Should I walk more? Should I put the mic in the stand? You know, little nuances of how you're doing each joke. And when you have to then factor in something external like that.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's up. All those other thoughts you're trying to. It's like a quarterback who's being blitz. You know, you just can't. You can't keep your plays straight because. Yeah, but no, I. I just. I. I like when somebody yells out. Like, that's why I like to stress fact. I like Jersey comedy, like Long island comedy. I like when people are having fun. I want it to feel like a party. Like, I don't. I don't need to be the only guy talking for an hour.

[Aries Spears]

Well, I don't mind audience participation, but I have to be the one controlling it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Aries Spears]

You know, because once you. Once you let too many people think that that's what the show is about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

It's like giving your drunk uncle the keys to the gun cabinet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, everybody's got keys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, and that's dangerous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

Mixed with liquor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

So I have to kind of be in control of the chaos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Well, you have to send a. It's like. It's almost like you walk in the prison yard, you punch the biggest guy in the face.

[Aries Spears]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So when somebody heckles, you have to annihilate them.

[Aries Spears]

Let everybody else know. No ass rape will be tolerated here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly. My ass is my ass.

[Aries Spears]

Exactly. If I give you the booty, I give you the booty.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

But you ain't taking it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're not taking it. I'm getting some fucking cigarettes out. I'm saying, yeah, yeah. So when you. Then I give. So that's the stick. But then I'll also give the carrot. If somebody is near the stage and I engage them and they say something really funny, I don't try to top it. I give it to them. I go, that was fucking. That was. I can I. I don't know what to say now. That was a crowd fucking loves when you give it up to the audience.

[Aries Spears]

Humility.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Aries Spears]

They love that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. You know, humility is everything. I was thinking that yesterday. I was thinking about how we can get so competitive and, you know, some of these comedians that are doing like big theaters and arenas and stuff. I just think about like, you know, and some of them, like somebody like a Bert Kreischer who's playing arenas somehow still has humility. He's still the most humble, giving, decent guy. And I don't know that I could be that guy if I was at that level. Like, I sort of feel like I'm at the level I'm at. I always say I crawl my way to the middle. I'm staying right here because I'm not. My head's not going to get blown out. I got my wife and kids. I pay attention to them. I'm a good friend.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I have had brushes where I'm more famous or I hosted a show on MTV or whatever. I had moments.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I kind of feel like I didn't like myself as much at those moments. I feel like I wasn't. I lost my humility, you know. Have you found that at certain times? Because obviously you're on Mad TV for what, like seven years?

[Aries Spears]

About eight years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Eight years, yeah. Did you find, and be honest with me, did you find there were times where you were like, I was kind of big headed there or something?

[Aries Spears]

You know what? I don't know if that's the right word, but to me it's like, listen, I always say this. I'm grateful for Mad TV because it made me more famous than I had been up to that point. But if I'm being completely honest, I wanted snl.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, it's like the difference between playing in the CBA versus the NBA. You know, it's like I play. What was the. Before the league in basketball, before it mergered with the NBA, American Basketball League, where Dr. J played before it merged into the NBA. So I kind of felt like I was in that league. And as grateful as I am for what it did for me, what it gave me deep down, it's just that thing where you just go, I just feel like if I had been on SNL with what I was able to do on Mad tv, my career would have been in a different place. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you audition for snl?

[Aries Spears]

No. I got on Mad TV first and Lorne Michaels had a strict thing where.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was like, you can't do both. Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

So, you know, there's this thing in me where it's like, I've always wanted Kevin Hart, like fame, really, the ability to do an arena and be that famous. But the older I get and the more I go through this business, I feel like I at least I don't know if I'll ever get it, but I at least want to taste it. I want to know if it's what I think it is. And I might not like it once I really get it. Be careful what you ask for, but because I haven't gotten it, I want it so bad just so I can go, oh, my God, this is everything that I knew it was going to be. Or I'll go, I don't like this shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you think it'll be the good version of it?

[Aries Spears]

I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, like, what will it be that you don't already have complete access.

[Aries Spears]

You know, without a fight? You know, it's like, I'm sure there's. With levels to everything, there's gonna be some pushback, but I refuse to believe that when you get to Jim Carrey's level, you're fighting the same fight that I'm fighting. Whatever fight he's fighting can't nearly be what this is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And whatever that is, okay, Bring it on. But. But I. I'm tired of this fight. Let me fight that fight. Yeah, but because I don't know, I don't want anybody telling me what I can't do. Yeah, creatively, when you, when you, when you're a major movie star and you're producing box office hits, it's like you get the keys to the city, creatively.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Develop your own stuff.

[Aries Spears]

Leave me the fuck alone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Aries Spears]

And this is the one thing I hate about this business. It's like you got people in high powered positions with, you know, titles and wearing suits that are trying to tell you what funny is. It's like, just sign a fucking check, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That sounds anti Semitic when you say that.

[Aries Spears]

Well, you know, Jews run the business. Let creative people create.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But can't you create? You've got a podcast. You get to go on stage every night and say whatever the fuck you want. I mean, isn't it relative, like, because mo money, mo problems, what about all the things you're going to have to have?

[Aries Spears]

I don't know that I believe that. I think that's an overrated quote. More money, more problems. Be broke, even more problems.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but you're not broke. You have a level of access. Look, if you were to put a percentile on where you are in this business, you're in the top 5%, if not 3%. And you got to, you got to look down because the struggles and the lack of choices that people have below you. I'm not saying that like, I Just think, I look at you as a guy that is so in control of their career. I've always admired you because you're a guy that, you know, you put yourself out there, you continue year after year to play a rooms to Big. Big. You got a great reputation, you know, and it just. It makes me sad that you want big, this arena thing, because I.

[Aries Spears]

But I. But I didn't get in this to go. I just want to be here. My dreams weren't just to be here. My dream was to be there. So that's the dream.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Now, if I fall short of the dream, okay. But let me not be happy and complacent with here when where I want to be is there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You know, unless it makes you unhappy that you want that.

[Aries Spears]

Well, let me find out. Let me find out if once I get it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no. Unless it makes you unhappy that you covet it so much.

[Aries Spears]

No, no. But my unhappiness is just, you know, listen, you're right. When I put things in perspective, you look back and you go, hey, man, you better than. There's a lot of people want your spot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And that's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

But when I lay my head down at night, what I really want I don't have yet. So I don't feel good with just being here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But what do you think you need to do to get there?

[Aries Spears]

Let me blow off my tap shoes and get ready to get my Louis Armstrong on potato potatoes, you say tonight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Aries Spears]

It's a little bit of that, you know, my mouthpiece. While it might be my greatest attribute, it's also my biggest detriment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You know, I'm in a business where, you know, they like you to be quiet and not so vocal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

And let's be honest, when you're black and you're male in this business, whatever it is that you do is even bigger when I do it. Because it's like, if we're being honest, nigga, stay in your place. That's the racism of this business. Show business has always been that way to black people. So, you know, I gotta learn the Fred Astaire a little bit better without giving, selling out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Maybe keep my mouth closed about at times, lose some weight, look better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why do you think you speak out like that?

[Aries Spears]

Because it's who I am, man. I'm a New Yorker. I'm a male, alpha male. And I'm an Aries. I got all the ingredients for dynamite.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm an Aries too. I speak out way too much.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I once said to Jimmy Kimmel, he was on the podcast, and I go, what is it about a guy like you that makes it to the certain place and a guy like me doesn't? And he goes, because a guy like you hosts the porn awards.

[Aries Spears]

Which I did twice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did twice too. And that's the kind of shit that it seems fun at the time.

[Aries Spears]

But here's. But here's the hypocrisy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Doesn't help you.

[Aries Spears]

But here's the hypocrisy for whatever the shade is that is going to be thrown at you from this industry for doing that. What's. My man Weinstein just entered the chat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

There's people in this business, drugs, alcohol, sex.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Some may say pedophilia.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

What are you doing that hasn't already been done by people more powerful than you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

So let's knock off the bullshit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Although nowadays if you do it right and you apologize, you apologize. That, that's your ticket to ride. Look at, look at Tony Hinchcliffe. You know that guy got in trouble for saying something and then.

[Aries Spears]

But did he really? Did he really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

His agent dropped him. He lost all of his stand up gigs.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he got shut. He got shut down fast.

[Aries Spears]

That feels like all of that shit is temporary though, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it is if you handle it right. I think he apologize right. Which I think is maybe the right way to do. He addressed it without apologizing, which is a stand up comic. I think there's a way to make it work for you, especially now.

[Aries Spears]

Listen, man, the money talks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And the moment you start. I once had a manager, used to be with Brillstein Entertainment, who I'm with now and have been since forever. But this particular manager at that time, Peter Safran, I don't know if you sure? Yeah, yeah. And he's like a big movie producer now. He's done a lot of stuff with James Gunn and Guardians of the Galaxy, Suicide Squad. He once told me we had lunch, he was like, listen, man, if you can open a weekend, you could damn near be Hitler, you know, but if you can open a weekend at the box office, all is forgivable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mel Gibson's back on top.

[Aries Spears]

Hey, come on now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know?

[Aries Spears]

So, you know, that's the thing about this business, the insanity of it. You're always one something away from turning everything around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Right. It's funny, I'm. I'm reading there's a great new Biography of Muhammad Ali. That's out. And I mean, talk about breaking the rules. Like when he was coming up. I think it's a lot about what you were talking. It was 1960, and, you know, the, the, you know, Joe Lewis and the guys that had come before him, they were the version of a black guy that white America wanted. You know, they. They were humble and they worked hard and. And then he came along and he started saying, I'm the greatest. He started denigrating his opponents, and he got all the sports writers talk bad shit about him.

[Aries Spears]

Well, let me, let me, let me go back a little bit. Before that, though, Joe Louis was. But even Ali said in an interview, man, they think I'm crazy. Jack Johnson was crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aries Spears]

This motherfucker was brutally knocking out white men and then sleeping with white women.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And that was in the openly.

[Aries Spears]

Right when they was hanging.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Aries Spears]

He goes, so people think I'm crazy. Jack Johnson was a. Yeah. I still the greatest fighter for all the greatest fighters. Seven survivors. Cooper. I've been knocked down, never been knocked out, never had a mark on my face. I felt so crazy. I felt quite knowing. I'm still the greatest. I'm still pretty.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do Ali walking into a fraternity party.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, look at all these. I do old Ali, you know. I can't believe all these women dress like this. Showing all the body parts of the breasts of ass. It's not good. It's not good at all. Cover up, be a Muslim, do the right thing. Eat, don't drink, don't do. Well. Damon Wayans had one of the funniest jokes he said when they did the Ali movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

With Will Smith. And Ali went to the premiere. The movie was so long that at one point even Ali was like, all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, it's time for fastballs with Fitz.

[Aries Spears]

Uh oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's your best male friendship?

[Aries Spears]

Oh, the one that I've had with my boy, who I call my brother Ishmael since fourth grade. We've been thick as Steve since the fourth grade. He lives out here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

We watched each other get fat, have families. He's like. He's my. I'm his Doc Holliday. His Wyatt Earp.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No shit?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What does he do for a living?

[Aries Spears]

He has two jobs. Works. One in a financial situation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And then one where he works at FedEx.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No shit?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. That's my heart, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you guys, you grew up in New Jersey together?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you ever roommates?

[Aries Spears]

Yeah, as a matter of fact. He was. He was. At one point, when he left Jersey, he was living in Florida, but he was struggling, so I just called him up and was like, hey, man, come live with me out here in Cali.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And that was back in 94. He's been here since.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you ever have moments with him where you sort of clear the air? Like where you say, like, there's something you're doing that is bothering me, or are we good?

[Aries Spears]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Isn't that funny with male friendships?

[Aries Spears]

Come on. Let me tell you something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Females will bring that shit up every.

[Aries Spears]

Time they hang out. If I was gay, he'd be the man I'd fuck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus Christ. Let's move on to the next question.

[Aries Spears]

It's fucking weird because we're tightly bonded and we don't fight. And it's like, you know, no matter how close you are with your woman, she's still a woman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is not helping your career, man.

[Aries Spears]

She gonna fuck with you about the two doors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the closest you ever got to a fist fight on stage?

[Aries Spears]

Oh, me. Listen, I've never come to a point where I was going swinging somebody, but I've. And you know, of all the places you would think the ghettos of Detroit, Chicago, the roughest parts of New York, the most gangster shit places I've been to has been Canada.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get out of here.

[Aries Spears]

Edmonton.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really? Oh, yeah. Edmonton is tough, girl. I see oil field guys.

[Aries Spears]

A girl. Women. One girl got mad and threw a pitcher of beer at me. Another girl tried to come on stage and a boyfriend stopped her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Aries Spears]

So. Yeah, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Aries Spears]

You ain't doing comedy, right? Unless somebody want to put hands on you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Yeah, It's a good feeling.

[Aries Spears]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When they're dragging that person. When the bouncers are dragging that person out. Yeah, yeah. You go, nah, nah, nah. Yeah, yeah, it's bad. The whole crowd's behind you.

[Aries Spears]

I had a girl. You know, it's one of the most gangster clubs in the. In the country. The Funny Bone in Connecticut.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, sure.

[Aries Spears]

I had a girl throw a Heinz ketchup bottles hit me in the face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you keep going?

[Aries Spears]

Oh, you talk about concentration. I know it was cheesy, but I'm looking to my right. Cause. Oh, shit, my bad. I'm looking to my right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You gotta take it. If your phone rings on this show.

[Aries Spears]

Oh, no, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You gotta take it.

[Aries Spears]

Might be some pussy. This one girl was mean, mugging the shit outta me. Her boyfriend was laughing, but she wasn't laughing. And I hate that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

So I called her Out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I was like.

[Aries Spears]

I was like, bitch, why you. Bitch, why you called a couple bitches? So I turned my head. Next thing I know, Bow, she said, I got you, baby. And then they took her out. And I could feel my face swelling up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

So at one point, I was like. Said to the crowd, I was like, is my face swelling up? They were like, yeah. I was like, I know that was a up incident, but I'm gonna keep going, try and catch up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, there it is, everybody.

[Aries Spears]

But, you know, you have to. You know what I mean, make the most of it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good. Have you ever not finished a set?

[Aries Spears]

No, but I've thought about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

And I tell you where I've thought about it. Colleges. Which is why I don't do them no more.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I hate kids, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

I hate them motherfuckers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Aries Spears]

They no experience. There's nothing worse than being a seasoned vet. And you're looking in the face of someone who's looking at you, making you second guess your career choice. And I just go, I know I'm funny. I know this shit is smart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

You just ain't live no life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

That's why I'm like, give me clubs. I wish we could throw. Go back to when you could smoke in clubs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can. Oh, you mean the audience.

[Aries Spears]

The audience, yeah. Be on stage and the light illuminates by the cigarette smoking. Oh, man. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You want dirty people in the club. Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

Give me time square.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Back in the 80s. You ever see Jeff Ross did that show in a prison?

[Aries Spears]

I would never do that, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That'd be fun as shit.

[Aries Spears]

Not for me. The idea of being a mistake happening.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Be a good story. A good podcast story. When's the last time you apologized to somebody?

[Aries Spears]

Oh, I can't remember, but I'm sure it's recent. I'm sure it's recent. Yeah. Sometimes I just say I'm sorry just because.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you want to apologize to Vinnie Brand for saying that he's.

[Aries Spears]

Fuck, no. Vinnie knows it with his deaf ass.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, final. Final question, and then we'll get to your tour dates, which you have a bunch of coming up. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done on stage?

[Aries Spears]

I don't know that I've ever done one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, shut the up.

[Aries Spears]

I don't know that I've ever done one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stop. Nobody's ever answered that.

[Aries Spears]

You know what? Here's. Here's why. No, no, but here's why. Say that because who who is anybody to say what's hack? If the objective is to go up there and make an audience laugh? Like, I've heard people go, man, carrot topping. They give him shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I agree with you.

[Aries Spears]

But the objective is to make the audience laugh. And if you accomplish that mission, you've done your job.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Aries Spears]

Who the fuck are you to say what's hack? I hear a lot of white comics go, you know, black comics always love to go. Black people, white people. You know, white people do this, but black people do that. Well, first of all, stereotypes are based in truth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

White people, y'all do a lot of shit that we say, and black people, we do some of the shit that y'all say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

So if. No matter what it is, if we get the laugh, what do you. Mission accomplished.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I hear that. I hear that. I just meant more like, I think we all have a standard for ourselves and our material. And sometimes I'll look back in a bit and I'll go like, all right. I was, I was taking the easy way out on that one.

[Aries Spears]

I saw Barry Katz on his podcast, was talking to somebody, and he was essentially saying that he thought crowd work was hacky, which bothered me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Barry said that?

[Aries Spears]

Yes. And I just went, that's one of the hardest art forms within the art form.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

It's like playing basketball. Not everybody has a full skill set.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

Some guys are great dunkers, but maybe not great. The greatest shooters. Some guys are great offensively, but not great defensively. Michael Jordan was the greatest because he did it all. There were no weaknesses. So a lot of guys on stage, they, you know, their, their, their, their jokes are their playbook. And anything that happens outside of the playbook, they turn into a deer in headlights. Oh, some. The third row said, what? What am I do?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

To be able to leave your playbook, and I put it in football terms, you could still be an award winning hall of Fame championship quarterback in the pocket a la Brett Favre.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

But if you can Michael Vick it and leave the pocket and scramble, you're twice as deadly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Aries Spears]

You know what I mean? And if you can't do that, that don't make you any less of a comic. But if you can do both, you're very dangerous. And not every guy can do that. But when Barry goes, you know, when the. I don't do a great Barry, but Jay Morick. Oh, my God. But you know when you say, there's somebody in the crowd, what do you do for a living? It's Hanky. Cause it's like. No, it's the introduction to how you open the door.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How do you talk to somebody at a party? What do you do?

[Aries Spears]

You gotta.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You gotta ask questions, right?

[Aries Spears]

That's the gateway to wherever you end up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

So to say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hacky, I think, to say anything. I mean, there's guitar. People go, oh, guitar carax. You know, even fucking ventriloquist, you know? And George were brilliant. They. He was. He was brilliant.

[Aries Spears]

Until I saw the documentary on Jeff Dunham. I was like, this guy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

But then I saw the doc and I went, hats off, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Aries Spears]

Whole new respect.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You're getting a crowd. You're making people laugh. You're making a living. People are making a living off of you. You're generating something, you know?

[Aries Spears]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, hats off. All right. Some tour dates coming up. I mean, I can't. Can't say enough about you live. I mean, you're like a guy who's been honing it for 30 years. You fucking kill every time. Standing ovation. Not a lot of guys get standing ovations. You're like a standing O guy.

[Aries Spears]

Thank you, sir.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, I get people standing up, but they're. They're. They're leaving. The Improv in Ontario, March 13th through 6th. Now that already.

[Aries Spears]

Those are old. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's start with anything after.

[Aries Spears]

Water for, like, for instance, coming up this week is Cincinnati.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Cincinnati. Funny Bone, March 28th and 29th, April 4th through 6, the Improv in San Jose. May 31st, the Wilbur Theater in Boston. You can see all those racist Irish kids.

[Aries Spears]

Look at a fucking niggas, kid. I drove all the way in my catfish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

June 6th through 8th, Louisville. June 12th, Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul. June 17th through 20, Helium in Portland. You also got dates coming up in San Diego, Albuquerque, Appleton. Go to is it just aries.com and get some tickets. Can't thank you enough.

[Aries Spears]

Please check out the podcast Spears and Steinberg, available on all streaming platforms. YouTube channel, Spearsburg Pod. Hit like and subscribe. And I always tell people, I can't tell you how to listen, but I prefer you listen rather than do YouTube because we didn't get on YouTube until three years in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Aries Spears]

So all the episodes aren't available. And plus, if. Start from the beginning.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Start from the beginning.

[Aries Spears]

I know, it's a lot Big. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a journey.

[Aries Spears]

It's like masturbation and potato chips. Once you start, you won't stop. You can follow the evolution of the show, the characters, the callbacks, the Jokes Spears and Steinberg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you never started masturbating?

[Aries Spears]

I stopped when I was 16.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, there you go.

[Aries Spears]

And hit me up on Instagram under Aries Spears. Slide in my DMs. I'll send you the links.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Thank you again, man.

[Aries Spears]

Thank you, brother.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great to see you.

[Aries Spears]

Appreciate it, brother.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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