Dave Attell - Episode 1122

Summary

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Fitzdog Radio – Episode 1122

Guest: Dave Attell

Release Date: January 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

Greg Fitzsimmons opens the first podcast of 2026 with acclaimed comedian Dave Attell, marking a high-energy, riff-heavy conversation after a long friendship and professional partnership. The episode revolves around a rapid-fire, year-in-review format—Greg peppers Dave with topical events from 2025 and broader cultural topics, eliciting classic Attell observations, darkly funny tangents, and mutual industry wisdom. The tone is relaxed but biting, alternating between comedy industry war stories and sharp commentary on news, society, technology, and personal life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Comedy Landscape & Friendship Stories (11:48–14:51)

• Greg discusses the challenge of interviewing Attell, who resists standard podcast questions.
• They reminisce about the international stand-up scene and past collaborations (writing gigs, “Insomniac,” “Gong Show”).
• Notable quote (Greg, 11:47): “What do you ask Dave Attell that he hasn’t been asked?”

2. The Global Comedy Scene & Touring (12:17–15:30)

• Dave riffs on international gigs versus U.S. comedy, with skepticism about overseas “dream gigs.”
• Dave describes caregiving for his mom as a reason he avoids travel.
• They joke about low pay in overseas markets, bartering for diamonds and ivory in South Africa.

3. California Fires, Disaster, and Hollywood (15:30–21:46)

• Greg shares harrowing stories from California wildfires—evacuations, bad air, benefit gigs, local newscaster excitement.
• Dave offers comic relief about LA culture and disaster logistics.
• They discuss darkly comic consequences (“moving bodies from crematoriums that later burned”), and first responders.
• Memorable moment: The urban legend of a scuba diver scooped up and dropped by firefighting helicopters (21:06).

4. Renaming the Gulf, Street Names & Civic Identity (22:02–23:52)

• Discussion about ridiculousness of renaming the Gulf of Mexico to "Gulf of America" (Greg: “Doesn’t sound right now.” [22:12]), and jokes about insensitive or odd city street names.
• Chris Rock’s classic observation on “Martin Luther King Blvd” and “Malcolm X Blvd” is referenced.

5. LA vs. NY – Comedy, Roots, and Industry Change (24:05–28:32)

• Contrasts the changing identity and rootlessness of LA with the staying power of New York.
• Dave notes everyone he knows in LA is “married, locked in, and loving it—even if not working.”
• Discussion of career trajectories, writing rooms past and present, lack of current sitcom jobs, impact of AI.
• Notable quote (Greg on post-pandemic TV industry collapse): “Now, even if there is work, it’s not in LA anymore.” (27:38)

6. Tech, Automation, and Human Contact (28:32–32:24)

• They riff on Waymo, driverless cars, and the lack of human interaction in San Francisco hotels, Uber Eats robots, and self check-ins.
• Deeply comic and slightly disturbing reflection: “A whole day with no human contact” (30:34).
• Dave jokes about tech workers training AI to take their own jobs.

7. Healthcare, Aging, and the Cost of Comedy Lives (33:04–34:43)

• Gritty discussion of insurance costs, caregiving to aging parents, and the financial grind of not being on “TV insurance.”
• Both compare running a one-person hospital for elderly parents.

8. Burial, Death, and Family Tradition (35:08–38:52)

• Talks about funerals—cremation vs. burial, quirky family traditions, the oddness of cemetery culture.
• Classic Attell: “Who wants to go to a cemetery at 8am? Why not at night? Bring a Ouija board, have a conversation.” (38:13)

9. Dark Local Legends – “The Gravediggers” (38:52–39:52)

• Greg recalls teens digging up bodies in local cemetery for a football game with human limbs—sets the tone for their no-limits humor.

10. The First American Pope & Cultural Commentary (39:58–43:45)

• Musings on an American Pope (“I want my accountant Jewish, my Pope Italian.” – Greg, 40:57), authenticity in religion, Chicago sports, and corny communion jokes.
• Dave: “Deep dish communion wafer—that’s just awful.” (43:03)

11. Taylor Swift, Travis Kelce, and Celebrity Culture (47:05–48:49)

• They joke about Taylor Swift's evolution from breakup songs to “private jets to the Super Bowl,” and Kelce’s future as “stay-at-home dad.”
• Media’s dream pairing—America’s Sweethearts.

12. New Orleans, Comedy Festivals, and Club Scenes (69:14–73:19)

• Extensive discussion on Skank Fest, the festival culture shift in comedy, and differences between club shows and wild festival energy.
• Dave: “It’s hard on any kind of festival. Comedy, because they’re beat. But podcast shows—they love them.” (72:31)

13. The Ozempic Era & Changing Lifestyles (62:19–65:46)

• Detailed comedic debate on America’s obsession with Ozempic, weight loss, and the collapse of “My 600 lb Life.”
• Greg: “Now it’s My 200 Pound Life.” (64:30)
• Commentary on body image, plastic surgery, and changing standards.

14. Relationships, Scandals, and Aging (65:54–67:28)

• The infamous “Coldplay Kiss Cam” scandal—a public affair ruins lives.
• Dave: “How exhausted are you, as a man, to add cheating to all that?” (66:56)

15. The Road Life: Clubs, Merch, and Travel War Stories (77:16–83:51)

• Honest talk about the grind of touring, rising costs, changing social media priorities, the need for “servicing the beast” of content.
• Dave describes the economics: “You spend three days there, two traveling, and the joy is just one night doing stand-up.”
• They trade merch anecdotes—pins and magnets, the absurdity of carrying hundreds through TSA.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Greg on Attell’s genius: “He just lob home run, lob home run the whole time. Just unbelievable.” (00:00)
• Dave on caregivers: “It’s like I’m running a one-person hospital… I should get them lab coats.” (33:39)
• Dave, characteristically meta: “What, are we going to start introducing fact into podcasts?” (21:53)
• Greg on the American Pope: “I want my accountant Jewish. And I want my pope Italian.” (40:57)
• Dave on the cost of healthcare: “My biggest expense is my mom. I’m running a one person hospital.” (33:48)
• Dave on comedy fest culture: “You gotta go off script… It’s just too wild to do your act.” (72:31)
• On AI in comedy writing: “Can you, you know, there’s certain sitcoms, corny CBS sitcoms—easily, AI could write.” (28:02)
• Greg, about the grind: “To keep working in clubs, I have to be more of a presence online.” (77:24)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 11:48 – Dave Attell joins the show; year-in-review setup.
• 13:06 – Greenland and the board game Risk; “Greenland is unattainable.”
• 15:35 – Stories from California fires, disaster humor.
• 18:19 – Greg’s personal wildfire experience and asthma
• 21:06 – Urban legend: scuba diver dropped by helicopter in a fire.
• 27:38 – Hollywood writer economy post-pandemic and AI effects.
• 30:34 – Everything in San Francisco is automated; “no human contact.”
• 33:04 – Insurance, costs of caregiving, “running a one-person hospital.”
• 39:58 – Discussion: the new American Pope.
• 47:05 – Swift/Kelce engagement news run-through, celebrity culture.
• 55:00 – Evolution of tapes in comedy booking, “the agony of the audition.”
• 62:19 – The Ozempic discussion, weight-loss, and health trends.
• 65:54 – Coldplay Kiss Cam scandal aired and dissected.
• 69:14 – Skank Fest, the wildness of comedy festivals, and New Orleans’ unique scene.
• 77:16 – The reality of touring post-pandemic; social media and club pain.
• 83:21–83:51 – Plugs for upcoming dates, playful wrap-up.

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Tone & Language

• Honest and self-deprecating: Both hosts laugh at their own career missteps, health, and age.
• Culturally biting: Classic Attell dark comedy; irreverent jabs at religion, politics, tech, and celebrity.
• Fast-paced banter: Many jokes, running bits, and call-backs (especially about fire, the pope, Ozempic, and merch).
• Insider-y, but accessible: Occasional deep-cut showbiz references, but always with a punchline or explanation.

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Conclusion

This episode is a must-listen for fans of acerbic, inside-baseball comedy talk. Greg Fitzsimmons and Dave Attell deliver on both the laughs and hard truths about midlife, the unpredictable state of show business, and how comedy survives in an era of automation, cancellation, and ever-rising costs. It's a rare, cackle-filled rumination from two veterans with nothing to prove—and nothing to lose.

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Transcript

[A]

Foreign. Happy New year, people. First podcast of 2026, and man, we're off to a running start. Uh, if you've got your bingo card. Venezuela, cross that off. Greenland. Coming up, Mexico. Coming up, Cuba. Oh, the new world order. It's so simple to see. Russia takes Europe, China takes Asia, we take all the Americas. And then Africa fucking figures it out. I don't know who's taking Africa, but everybody's already taken Africa. Every European countries already fucking colonized Africa. So now they're left with the rubble, with what's left. I think China actually is in Africa now. I don't know. It's not what we're here to talk about. We're here to say David Tell is my guest. Holy mother of God is there. He hates to hear that he's my favorite comedian, or anybody's. Everybody considers the best comedian, but whatever, I won't get into that. But he's on. We had a talk last week in New York and I know that Attel hates being interviewed. He doesn't want to be asked about his life. He doesn't want to just hang. And so I basically pulled together topical events from the year and I just peppered him with topics and he just lob home run, lob home run the whole time. Just unbelievable. I know you're gonna love it. You're gonna love him. Maybe you like me. Maybe. Some people don't listen to this podcast very much. They're tuning in because of Dave Attell. So thank you for joining me. I was just in New York for a couple weeks when I saw Attell. I went to church with my mom on Christmas. She of course, we get there late and she of course parks in the priests only parking spot because we're late. She goes, well, he's already here. Yeah, I think he lives there. Maybe he doesn't need a car at all. But I'm always struck because I grew up going to church, and I'm not here to knock the church. Certainly if my mom's listening to this podcast, she won't appreciate the next five or 10 minutes. But it is ghoulish when you walk into a church and Jesus is up there. And I mean, this is obviously been talked about quite a bit, but if somebody murdered and tortured my only son, I don't think that I would put a replica of it on the wall of my home. That seems almost like it's supposed to instigate anger. Like I feel. You feel angry. You feel like that's fucking. That's my fucking God. That's Jesus. Look what they did to him. And they could mean, you know, depending on what way of thinking you are, could be the Jews, could be the devil. Like. Like Christianity is telling you, okay, this should piss you off. You should be mad at the devil. So it's motivating you to fight against evil. I always say fight against the. But isn't fighting against the tenets of Christianity isn't. Ven. Isn't revenge not really. Where you want to be? So anyway, I'm listening to the sermon and the guy talks about the guy, the priest. The priest was talking about. I swear to you. This is in the homily. I think they call it the homily, which is the opening little. The little speech the priest gives. And he says that Joseph was going to get a divorce when he found out that Mary was pregnant. Did you know that? That's. That's in the Bible. He was going to get a divorce. And then God came to him. Which, first of all, you know, Joseph, they had to be busting his balls when that happened. You know, like, God comes down. No, no, no, no, it's cool. God. Guys, guys, guys. I know how this looks. But God came down and he did it. And so it's God. Which, first of all, is it okay. Is it okay for anybody to have sex with your wife? And. And then like, hey. Yeah. And they're like, hey, Joseph, why was she a virgin?

[B]

You.

[A]

You guys are married. Why is your fucking wife a virgin? Have you. Did you not get around to it? Have you seen her? Have you seen a statue of the Virgin Mary? She's smoking hot. And what's with Joseph not making a move? And so now he's led to believe by God. Meanwhile, it was like Joseph heard it, you know, in a dream. So he's. He's in bed and some guy is like. Sneaks in and he's like, hey, Joseph, it's me, Brian. I mean. I mean, God, I was the one who knocked up Mary. Brian was out in the meadow with the sheep. He does. He doesn't even like Mary. Now, people are gonna. People gonna talk a lot of shit, Joseph, but be cool and I'll. I'll get you into heaven. Okay? Fast pass right to the front of the line. So you are told all this and you believe it because church is. It's just ethereal. You know, there's candles and there's organ music, and the lighting is insane. And the architecture's beautiful. And the. The pews are this dark, smooth wood, and there's a Choir. And you just get lulled into it, and you realize, like, you know, everyone's dressed up and it's all for a book. This is all based on, well, two books, I guess. The old one and the new one. And. And I believe that people believe because they're lulled into the trappings of this mythology. And I think you could. I think you believe any book. You. You would believe any book that was presented to you if it was done in this context. You could be the cat in the hat, and you would be like, you. You would start to believe in the cat. Or was the cat the devil? I can't remember if the. I think the cat's kind of the devil, but say he's God. Say the cat is God and the priest was up there, and there was organ music, A lot of tricks. I will show them to you. Your mother will not mind at all if I do.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

And people put money in the hat. People wear cat collars. And instead of cross themselves will be like. They'll be, like, licking their fingers and rubbing it on their faces. And I don't know, there's a bit in there somewhere, I think. But priesthood's funny because. Well, it's not funny because you don't get fired. And you can. There's no quarterly review. There's no progress report. You just don't get fired. I mean, you work, what, three hours a week, and the rest of the time you just, like, are trying to come up with a sermon. You could. I mean, we've seen. You can molest a child and they just move you. They just take you somewhere else. You don't get fired. I got fired. I wrote on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. I got fired after two years for taking my first day off to go to a funeral for a woman who is like a mother to me. In New York. Lived in la, flew to New York, missed one day of work, came back fired. And I was warned that that might happen if I missed a day of work anyway. But a priest, the priest, whatever, probably just threw myself off the algorithm by talking about that. And I was thinking about if you were a priest and you got fired, here's a great job. Bartender. Because what do people do? They love confessing to a bartender. They tell their dirty secrets. They tell everything they're ashamed of. They drink and they tell it to the priest. And then the priest could just say. Look, just say to the bar owner, just. Just leave me some water. I'll turn it into wine. I'm gonna cut your overhead Way down. Give me some dried out old bread and I will turn it into fish. You know, like Pepper's farm cheddar fish. It's funny cause when we were kids we used to drink our parents booze and then we pour water into it. So I would always say we turn the wine into water instead of the water into wine. That's just. All right, listen, what am I doing? We got David Tell on the show. You guys don't want to hear all this shit. I will be in Cleveland this weekend at hilarity is January 8th through the 10th. Atlanta Punchline January 15 through 17. The Mothership, Austin, Texas January 30th through February 1st. Sacramento, Philly, Lexington, Houston, Fort Worth, all coming up. Hit thefitsdog.com website, get some tickets, come on out. So my guest today, he is. I've known him for God, 30 years. I guess he's been a very dear friend for all these years. He's been an inspiration to me. He's. I watched him starting out when he was doing Letterman and then he would do all these HBO specials, the short ones, the long ones. Um, and then Insomniac. Incredible show that should have gone on for ten years. Uh, you saw him a lot on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. He did. He hosted the Gong show and he hired me as the head writer on the show that lasted one season and out. And then he's doing bumping mics with a tell. Anyway, I don't. What am I giving you? His latest special. If you haven't seen it, I. Hot Cross Buns is as good as anything he's ever done. He's still working at his highest level. That's still. I make it sound like he's 80 years old, but I'm just saying some guys peak and he just gets better. So we hung out last week. Here is my chat few chuckles with the great Dave Attell. So anyway, David Tell is my guest. I don't know, what do we say? What do you ask David Tell that he hasn't been asked.

[B]

Well, I'll tell you what's been happening. It's been quite a year, wouldn't you say? This is. I assume this will hit the. Is it going out now?

[A]

This is the year end, so I actually came up with some one of the top events of 2025.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So let's get right into it.

[B]

Okay, but I. I have stuff to talk about too, so go ahead.

[A]

Well, no, if you have stuff to talk about, let's start with you.

[B]

No, it looks. Seems like you did A lot of work on this, so go ahead. All right, what do you got?

[A]

Let's start with America wanting to take Greenland and Canada.

[B]

Oh, it's like political stuff now.

[A]

A little bit of political.

[B]

All right. Um, what do I think of it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know. That's definitely one I didn't think would be the, the lead, but.

[A]

All right, hold on.

[B]

Well, I had a friend who went to Iceland and they said they loved it, so.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I guess Greenland is. Well, that's a part of. Hold on. Hold, hold. I think it's Holland, right?

[A]

Denmark.

[B]

Denmark. Okay. Yeah, I was close.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So, you know, I would think that we should. I don't know, it's all. I'm swimming. Hold on, Beowulf. You know what? I really have to say this. Okay. If you've ever played the game Risk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know that Greenland is unattainable, you might hold it for like a turn. You know, you go up, you know, you go get a snack, you come back, you don't have it anymore. So I would say we should give it up and we all wanted it. I know growing up we would always think about it.

[A]

Yeah, let's trade it for Holland. Better looking women, free weed.

[B]

Well, actually, I hear Iceland has like the best of everything. You know, it's like really friendly and. Have you ever done a show there or anything?

[A]

No, I've never, I've never been to Iceland. I did a show in South Africa last year. We went last year.

[B]

And how was it?

[A]

It was unbelievable, really. It was this club and they were like, oh yeah, Dave Chappelle's been here. And it's just a little club. It holds like 150 people, man.

[B]

Can I just say one thing about this international comedy scene?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is there. I haven't traveled in a long time outside of the country. My mom with dementia. You always have to be like, ready. So I'm always afraid I'll be like somewhere. And then like, oh, no, now I have to go like through two flights and custom to come back. So I don't do it. But like, all I hear is all these great, like, you name a place and people like Serbia. Oh my God, it was the best show ever. And then, you know, they cooked us dinner and all. So I'm like, is this all true or is this just like smoke coming? Like, you know, hey, you know, you get out there because I used to do, you know, so. Well. Yeah, well, that's different though, because you're performing to basically.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

People who are, who are in combat, you know, like, who are in the military. But when you would go and do, like, England or, you know, Germany or any of those different place, I was always like, they don't get it, you know, like, they applaud, you know, and, like England, they like to give it back to you, which I thought was fine. But, like, you know, if it's that great, then that's. That's awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's the effect of, I guess, Netflix. Right.

[A]

Well, Lou, it gave Louis a comeback because when. When a lot of the clubs in the States wouldn't book him, he went to, like, Israel and Eastern Europe and all these crazy places. And, like, that. That brought him back. That got him, like, you know, his material and, I don't know, some acceptance and.

[B]

Well, what about the money, though? That's what I want to know. They pay.

[A]

It's not as good.

[B]

Yeah. So what's the South African money where they pay you in diamonds? We have some ivory. We'll hand it to you under the table. Here's a tooth. Here's a horn. Okay, what else you got?

[A]

All right, we got the California fires, which is close to my home.

[B]

Well, that.

[A]

It is my home.

[B]

And that's an ongoing situation, actually, because people are rebuilding now.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I hear about it all the time from, like, the people, especially the people in the business.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, like, you're on the phone with somebody, and this was, like, during the fires.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, you know, you'd be on the phone, like, what do you mean? The funny bone wants a Thursday? And it's like, hold on. I'm getting an alert. We. I have to evacuate. I'm like, oh, my God, what about the funny bone? But, yeah, no, I felt terrible for all the people out there. I felt like the whole thing was just, you know, cataclysmic. And now it's raining, so you're missing that right now, right?

[A]

Yeah. And the rain makes whatever was left slide down the hill.

[B]

God.

[A]

Roots left.

[B]

Well, you tell me, what was your. What's your like, thoughts now with distance on that?

[A]

Well, I mean, I feel like, you know, America hates California, which is kind of rough, because I actually really do love it. It's got. It's got its downsides, and I'm not, like, a Gavin Newsom fan, and, you know, but. But for the most part, I love it. And I think that when the fire happened, I finally saw Americans kind of show up, and it was nice. Like, I was in Green Bay, Wisconsin, doing a show, and they had a bin out front they were collecting clothes for people from California. And I was like, all right, first of all, I don't think anybody from Hollywood is based on what they look like. They're not wearing those clothes, and they're not going to fit.

[B]

We don't have. We don't need triple xls here. We have Ozempic. But I had to do a show in the Comedy Store, which was booked before the fire, and then the fire happened. They're like, they still want to do the show. I go, you sure? They're like, yeah, they want to do a show. And I go, well, we have to make it a benefit, because there's no way you come into town, it's like, yeah, I'm going to take your money and I'm going back to my house that isn't burnt, you know, So I was like, okay, it's a benefit then.

[A]

You know, but it was also like, you know, you get to see, like, the local news gets so excited because, you know, nobody ever watches local news until there's, like, a cataclysmic event. And with the fires, like, nobody knew when it was going to hit their house. So, like, the ratings were through the roof. And you could see the excitement on the newscasters faces. They're. They're like, let's go out to chopper four. And. And so they. I had a theory that the choppers are flying above the flames. Yeah. To fan them, to keep the fire going, the ratings up.

[B]

Well, how close was it to your house?

[A]

Real close.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You could smell it. You could see it.

[A]

Oh, my God. No, I had to. We couldn't go outside for, like, five, six days.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And you'd come outside and you'd go to your car, and you'd have to bring Windex because it was just amazing. All over everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I have asthma, so I had. I was having asthma the whole time. I had to go get new inhaler.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It was rough.

[B]

Dave, you figure in a town of potheads that they would just enjoy it, like, just kind of roll with it, you know, I've never seen anybody not covered in a vape or pot out there. But, you know, the one thing that I was telling a guy who owns a house, I was like, dude, isn't there something, like, you could put in your pool? And, like, it would pump water over the. I mean, there's got to be something like that. And there is something like that, but nobody had it. Only the super rich.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Had this whole thing. And I kept thinking of, like, you know, those like those dumb pools, like, where people, like, just swim. The selfish pools. Yeah, the selfish pool, you know, no one else is allowed in. And I was like, that thing, man, can't you just, like, you know, just, like, shoot it? Like, you know, I was, like, trying to think of, like, ways to help them.

[A]

Well, like, apparently Oprah and all those people that live up and see, I forget the name of the town up there, but there's this one really rich town, and they bought in, like, oil tankers filled with water.

[B]

Oh, sure. Yeah. Like, they have their own fire department.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But when I've been out there podcasting mostly, and I've done with you, I've met you a bunch.

[A]

Thank you. You've always been very generous.

[B]

Yeah, no, I'm always good. Glad to see you. But when you go out, like, into the. Into the. Like where the rich. Rich people where they have, like, their own compound.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You realize you're like, there's nothing here. Like, it's like, basically, you know, any. Any. Anything they need, they're going to have to, like, bring in themselves. You know, like a fire department post office. I bet you they have their own post office. Who knows?

[A]

Or their. Their maid is going to go get for them.

[B]

Their maid is wearing a full tilt, you know. Yeah. Okay. So that. Yeah, that was terrible.

[A]

The other thing is, I was excited about the fires is like, I do another podcast called Childish with my friend Allison Rosen. Oh, to be Adam Carolla's sidekick on it.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So anyway, her mom died right before the fire started, and. And her body was at a funeral home that was right on the edge of the fires. And so they made her send a private transport van to get her mother's body out of there and move it to another funeral home, even though she was having it cremated. And that funeral home that they got her body out of, burnt to the ground. It was nothing but ashes.

[B]

So was her body in. Oh, the one that she got it out of.

[A]

Yeah. She could have just left it there and it would have been ashes anyway.

[B]

Oh, my God. Wow. You never even think about that.

[A]

I know.

[B]

We have to move the dead bodies. You never think of that. I hope that was a low priority on the list of, like, what the first responders were doing. Oh, yeah, you can see him, like, grabbing these corpses and just, like, throwing them in the truck.

[A]

And the news pretends they're saving lives. Look at how many bodies are getting out of this building.

[B]

But I. I give it up for those first, especially that that smoke Jump scene. You know, like those people that do that kind of stuff where they jump into the forest and, you know. Oh, yeah, those people, you know, Y. Yeah. I mean, that's a crazy job.

[A]

Would you ever hear about. And I thought it was urban legend, and then I looked it up and it's actually true is it was as far as fire and, you know, the helicopters sometimes scoop water out of the ocean and they drop it and they actually found a frog suit. Like a scuba outfit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because a guy was swimming, he was scuba diving, and they scooped him up and they dropped him on the fire.

[B]

No, that. That's got to be like a legend or something.

[A]

Look it up. Can you look it up? Scuba diver burnt in forest fire.

[B]

He was in there scuba diving around and they got him.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I don't believe it. Well, that would be incredible.

[A]

It would be a great, like, sort of like creation story for a Marvel hero.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. Frogman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

See?

[A]

What, are we going to start introducing fact into podcasts?

[B]

Okay, go ahead. What else you got?

[A]

All right, how about renaming the Gulf of Mexico?

[B]

I'm against it. You know, I. You know. I know, I know. What did they want to call it again?

[A]

Gulf of America.

[B]

That doesn't sound right now. Yeah, it's just like with streets, you know, it's like, you know, you give directions and now the street is something different because of equity or something. Yeah. And you're like, oh, now I'm a racist and I don't know where I'm going. You know, it's like, take me to Avenue of Colonialism and.

[A]

Can I go to the Charlie Kirk Dead?

[B]

Yeah. Can I? Could I. Some Is it. I'm sorry, I'm coming right from the plantation. I'm a little lost. Go ahead.

[A]

Well, I think it was Chris Rock who said, like, if you're on Martin Luther King Boulevard, you know, you're in a bad neighborhood, but if you're on Malcolm X Boulevard, you're in a really bad neighborhood. And that's. That is actually true in every city I've been to.

[B]

Really?

[A]

But LA is the worst because you get to Burbank and it's like Bob Hope Boulevard.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Every side street.

[B]

I just know I'm close to an airport. Whenever I see any of those things, like with. In la, you know, like, they have those. That's where they have it all going there.

[A]

Right.

[B]

What's going on downtown in la? Cuz, you know, like, that to me was like, I spent a lot of.

[A]

Time downtown, you know, yeah, you belong downtown.

[B]

Yeah. You know, down at the mission. But most of, the, most of the stuff going on down there is like. They didn't have a fire there. Right? That was far away from it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know, it was really out in like Brentwood was as close as it got.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the trees stop and then it's more pavement. But maybe that's the thing.

[B]

Get rid of these trees. Wouldn't that be the way to do it there?

[A]

Well, what are you gonna. You're blaming it on us now?

[B]

No, I'm just saying. No, I'm not blaming it on you at all actually. I'm just saying that, you know, if the trees are the thing that keeps it going, you know, then maybe they should push them back or something.

[A]

Get rid of the trees.

[B]

Yeah. We can start with Yellowstone. All right. Those are big trees.

[A]

No, the downtown is actually finally happening like forever. I've been out there 25 years and they're always.

[B]

You've been there that long?

[A]

27 years, actually.

[B]

Wow. Amazing.

[A]

I know, I know. And it. Well, because the last time I lived in New York was I got married in New York and then we left immediately.

[B]

Geez. You never miss New York, you remember?

[A]

I miss it a lot.

[B]

You do? I don't. I, I'm. I'm just like here. I think that's, you know, everything keeps changing here, yet it's kind of the same.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And in la, to me it seems like it always, it always changes because I'm there like only like a couple weeks a year and it's like, oh, the place I used to go to coffee is no longer there. You know, it's like, oh, this is. But I don't know how it is the day to day out there, you know.

[A]

No, it is like that. Everything is disposable and people. The thing I don't like about it is that you don't feel like the root for a lot of people. They don't put down roots because they're just kind of coming here to get something and then they're going to leave with it.

[B]

I don't know. I feel like everybody I know that moved out there is all married. They have houses or whatever that they're kind of like locked in. Yeah, they love it out there. Even the people who haven't like, you know, worked like in 20 years, like, you know, whatever the actors and the writers.

[A]

Alan Havey.

[B]

No, Alan. I just saw last night he was doing a show, so. Take that back. Allen is always out there. He's Working. But what was gonna say, like, there's definitely people, like, from the old school improv here in New York who moved out there, I guess, during the Paula. The Seinfeld wave, you know, like, when everybody was out there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And, like, I haven't heard it. I mean, I don't know. I guess they move further and further away from la, but they stay in California.

[A]

Yeah. Like, Zoe Friedman will have a party and they'll all be there. It'll be great to see them all.

[B]

Wow. Do they. How do they do it? Group Uber. What are they? This next guy, you might have seen him on.

[A]

Might have seen on the number 56 bus about an hour and a half ago.

[B]

This guy was on that Burt Reynolds, Lonnie Anderson show for a season. Those guys.

[A]

This guy wrote for Coach. I feel like everybody in LA wrote for Coach at some point.

[B]

And you realize how, like, weird the writing scene was back then. It was. It was pretty much all who, you know. You know, like, it's always like that, you know, better than me. But it's always like, you know, like, this guy, and then, you know, like, he brings in his friend and stuff like that. And then it's just a room of white men. So, you know, it's just like that. So.

[A]

No, it was a. Although I wrote on all black shows, for some reason, I wrote on my. Because my first writing credit, Louis, I knew somebody, Louie, got me on to Cedric the Entertainer.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then once you write on one type of show, like, if you write on, like, a multicam sitcom, that's all you'll ever do. And I only got hired on black shows until you hired me on the Gong Show.

[B]

Yeah, but I don't. I feel like there's levels of writing and that, like, you have to get on one of those things. Like, what's, like a medical drama or, you know. Yeah. Or like, you know, like, in New York, they had all those Law and order people there for years, and they all were like, basically, you know, New York playwrights and those type of folk and, like. But they wrote that. That was, like, how they made their, you know, their coin. Yeah, but I figure in la, all I hear now is that there aren't any jobs, like. And it's like, it's not happening. Do you think that's true or is it just people? You know?

[A]

I haven't written. I wrote on shows for 20 years straight, every year.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I haven't written on a show since the pandemic. Well, there was a writers strike.

[B]

Yeah, the writers strike.

[A]

First it was a pandemic. Then was a writers strike. And then last year, there was a threat of all the. The union guys, all the camera people and lights, and they. They were gonna strike. So that shut the business down again. And then all sudden, they were like, well, we're already shooting in Canada and other states and it's cheaper. So now. No, even if there is work, it's not in LA anymore.

[B]

Even for the writers.

[A]

Yeah, well, now some of the writers, but they don't have the staffs they used to have.

[B]

Yeah, well, I think that's the difference. Fifteen people in a room, the showrunner, and, you know, all that. All those people, like, they probably just have, like, what used to be 12 is now probably five or three or something. Okay.

[A]

And then who knows if AI is going to, like, you. Can you. You know, there's certain, like, sitcoms, like. Like a real corny CBS sitcom. Easily AI could write maybe not the final version of it.

[B]

Yeah, the first draft. Yeah, right. But everybody's using that now. Like, all the people I know who are tech are like, yeah. You know, like, I'm like, oh, this is good. Like, you know, even with merch. Like, hey, can you get an image? Like, just so. And it's like, they'll do it with the AI and then they'll, like, tweak it. And it's like, whose is it now? Is it AIs? Is it yours? No one knows, you know, so that's.

[A]

My next topic is AI Chat GPT. Yeah. Slash, you don't have WHMO here yet, but you've seen him in la.

[B]

Yes, I have.

[A]

Yeah. What do you think of those?

[B]

Well, the good of Waymo was, first of all, there was a blackout and they all were stuck. Like, they were like, duh.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. That was like, a big deal. I forget where it was, but it was one of those things where they, like, stopped right in the middle of traffic so that probably the stock went, wow. You know, but then a baby was born in Waymo, and it should be the same thing as if, like, you're born at a. At a. At a McDonald's, where you get, like, a free ride for the rest of your life. You know, if you're born on. If you're born on an airline, they usually, like, we give you, like, you know, so. But I've seen it in San Francisco, and it did creep us out. Like, I was there with Louis Katz, very funny comic.

[A]

You know, I asked him to come on today.

[B]

He's here.

[A]

No, I asked him to join us and he said he couldn't.

[B]

I thought he was in la.

[A]

Well, maybe that's why he couldn't some.

[B]

He's lying to one of us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So anyway, we were there and we wanted to like, shoot some like, you know, just like some funny promos in there where like, you know, I'm in the back seat and there's no one in the front seat. And it's like, that's already so corny. It's like done already.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And like we were just watching them and like, you know, I'm up at night, like smoking, so I'm outside of the hotel looking around and like you could just see them, like, you know, just basically circling. They're like human, you know, like, he might need a ride. But yeah, I don't know. I mean.

[A]

Well, what's weird about it in San Francisco is like, I got to the airport. I mean, people go like, I love San Francisco because of the people. And then I get picked up by a way more with nobody in it. I go to that hotel at the Punchline, which is a self cert. It's a self check in kiosk. You don't talk to anybody.

[B]

Whoa, I haven't heard of this.

[A]

Then I order Uber Eats and it shows up in a fucking cart.

[B]

This is great.

[A]

Do they have these in New York?

[B]

I think I saw one, but it was graffiti. Yes. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. The delivery. I've only seen him in la.

[A]

Then I go on only fans.

[B]

So you had a whole day with no human contact?

[A]

No. And the people are.

[B]

They used to say, then I'm at the show and what happened?

[A]

Yeah, see, I needed a punch. That's what this podcast is. I bring Dave on, I'm a joke doctor, and then he's the doctor.

[B]

Okay, so. Yeah, so that. Yeah, that's weird, huh?

[A]

Yeah, it is weird. And I think that a lot.

[B]

How much is the Waymo. Is it more expensive than a human Uber?

[A]

It started out cheaper than on Uber and now it's more expensive.

[B]

Crazy, huh?

[A]

But it's just the people. I feel like the people that have tech jobs now, most of them are training AI to take their jobs in the future. That's what their goal. Their goal is right now.

[B]

Well, what can I tell you?

[A]

You think homeless people will be training bots to become new homeless people?

[B]

No, I mean. I mean, like, it's weird when you see such a shift in your life, you know, in your lifetime. Like, it really is a super shift. And like, I Wonder if it's like this all the time, where people are actually saying, this could go bad for us. This could go bad for us. Yet everybody's like, well, what are you gonna do? Yeah, you know, it's like things move so slowly, you know, but this thing is gonna take jobs, and it is definitely gonna. I don't know. There's, like, so many reasons never to leave your house now, you know, When I was growing up, there was very few reasons. Now it's like, you could stay if. If you had everything you needed in your house, you could stay there forever, you know? You know, it's like, in the past, it would be like boredom would hit cabin fever. You know what I'm saying? You'd have to go outside and do something now.

[A]

And then you add like, that pot is legal, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're high, all the. All the. Much easier to sit at home and play video games.

[B]

But it seems most of the people who are high now work. They all, like, have. You know, like, they're working in a shoe store or something like that, and there's kind of trick, you know, like, just basically, you know, doing the least possible.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

So. Yeah. What. What else? This tech stuff is great. Keep it coming.

[A]

You knew this was coming, and here it is. What, Luigi.

[B]

Luigi.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

This is something I never jumped on, you know, because it did happen in New York. And, you know, I have to say, the one thing that got me was he escaped by moped. And I thought that was.

[A]

Did he really?

[B]

Yeah, I think so. I think that was his thing. He's like. He had a getaway moped or bicycle or something there. And then I kind of lost interest, to be honest. I did. But, yeah, it's terrible. And. Yeah. And whatever. Insurance. It's funny that you bring that up because, like, I'm in a rut right now, man. I'm broke, you know. Taxes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Spent too much money this year on, like, my own dumb projects. And. And now, you know, the taxes and then the insurance, like, that's the problem with, you know, with what we do, because if, like, you do enough tv, you can get on their insurance, which is way better. So, like, I evidently didn't do that. So. So, like, now I'm kind of out there feral.

[A]

Well, I got insurance for me, my wife and two kids, and it's $50,000 a year.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

So I don't know what you pay. I mean, they know you're a smoker. That must make. You have to pay more, right?

[B]

I have no Idea either, you know.

[A]

But you don't even know what you pay in insurance.

[B]

I don't know anything. Basically, I have my people, but, you know, the biggest expense in my life is my mom. You know, I have around the clock care.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And like, the way I look at it now, because it's so expensive, is like I'm running a one person hospital. It's like, I should get them lab coats and they can kind of like mill around and then there's like a code, like, what's going on? Oh, it's, it's her, you know, and they run into the room.

[A]

Set up cameras and so.

[B]

Yeah, but it's like a one person hospital.

[A]

Yeah. You know, it's the new. What's the one.

[B]

How's everyone doing today?

[A]

The new pit.

[B]

Yeah. So, you know, the drama of one person, but yeah, that's super pricey. I've seen on every podcast whoever is dealing with that, whoever has to take care of, you know, a person with dementia, you know, all that kind of stuff. God bless you. You're an angel. And like, you know, I'm very lucky with my sister, you know. You know, I pay all the bills and all that stuff and go out there, but my sister's really the one, like managing the hospital, basically, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The age she zooms with them every day.

[A]

Yeah, but you're great. Your mom, I saw your picture of Christmas with you guys.

[B]

Yes. You were bumping Santas.

[A]

Bumping Santas. Yes. Very sweet.

[B]

And then I was like, there's got to be some blowback on the Santa. I'm sure, you know, how dare you?

[A]

Why are the Jews appropriating Santa?

[B]

I was just trying to, you know, basically, you know, whatever. And like, she was looking at the Santa like it was almost like, like she had won an Emmy. Like, I don't know what to say. I didn't think so. Go ahead.

[A]

Did she, did she raise you Jewish?

[B]

Yeah, we're very Jewish.

[A]

Did you bar mitzvah at all?

[B]

I bar mitzvahed, yes. I, I. What was I gonna say? You know, the temple, you know, like, we would go and then we stopped going. But I was just at my dad's cemetery, which is, you know, Jewish cemetery. It's not open on, let's see, what is it? It's not open on Saturday, which is the best day for me to go.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it can't go, you know, and what was gonna say, you know, it's a Jewish cemetery. So, like, you know, you see a lot of people, like, I Feel like I'm the only person ever goes like, you know, everybody else is just like, we put them in the ground, it's done, you know. But I don't know, would you want to be buried or.

[A]

No. My father got buried up in. He's in New York in Westchester County. And it was really funny because my mom wanted him to have a good view. Like it's on a hill with a view.

[B]

Oh, it must be pretty. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean, it is. It's very beautiful. But no, I'd say, say. I'd say ashes. My. My father in law was a environmentalist. Like he was kind of a radical environmentalist.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So when he died, we put him in a wicker basket and just put flowers on it and we just went into the woods and dug a hole and stuck him in.

[B]

Are you allowed to do that? Is that legal?

[A]

No, I don't think so. But he didn't want chemicals going into the ground. Like when, when you put all that formaldehyde. Is that what it's called?

[B]

Yeah, there's a bunch of chemicals.

[A]

Yeah. He didn't want all that seeping into the earth, so.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. So, you know.

[B]

No, I want to be buried, I think. Although I have serious claustrophobia. So I was thinking about it the other day, but I was like, I think. But I think the cremation is the way to go.

[A]

Yeah, it really is.

[B]

Even though that HBO special, did you see that?

[A]

Which one?

[B]

Oh, hbo, yeah, about the guy. He was like basically cremate and like five at a time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that he would give you ashes. It could be your. It could be like. Basically you'd have to. That's not my aunt, you know, I mean, who's going to know?

[A]

You know, you try to smell it to see if it's your sniffing ashes into your nose.

[B]

But who's know, who knows what's going to, you know, Like, I don't know. Do you, do you have that in your will? Do you have a will or anything like that?

[A]

I do have a will and yeah, we said cremation.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

My mother bought like a plot for all of us. So there is a hole for me to put my ashes in. In the ground.

[B]

Well, my dad's cemetery. I don't want to be buried there. It's really too hard to get to. I mean, my joke is this. And this is the joke. But it's like anybody who goes to visit there is talking about traffic. Like you don't know the traffic, you know, Irv, you don't Know how bad the traffic is? You know, the i90, whatever. Oh, my God, there was an accident. And I'm like, I made it. And I also think that they should have, like, better hours at the cemetery. Because right now it's 8 to 4, and it's like, why not the nights? You know, let's go at night. Let's see what it's like, you know. In la, weren't they doing the shows, like, at night?

[A]

Yeah. They would show movies in the cemetery.

[B]

Yes. To me, that was like, only in la. Would you do that in Detroit?

[A]

No, I don't think you would. No. But I like that, like, 10pm to 3am is visiting hours. You go during a full moon, you bring a Ouija board, you have a conversation.

[B]

Or just, like, imagine, like, wandering around there because I've, like, wandered and I just look at different. Like, this guy lived to 100 and look at this guy, you know, Like, I like that. Just looking at the different things. I was telling my friend, I go, there's a guy who's like 102, like a dick Van Dyke. And I'm like, anybody who knew this guy's dead has to be like, there's not even, like, you know, like a third cousin, whatever, alive. It's like this guy died, you know, like, it's done, like, you know, you should be able to, like, flip it now, like, you know.

[A]

But when I grew up in Tarrytown, we had. There was a lot of angel dust back in the 80s. And these kids used to go down to the Bronx and buy angel dust. And they'd come up and they were called the. Well, they got the nickname the Gravediggers because they were. We went up to the cemetery and they were on angel dust, and they dug up a newly buried body.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

And they took the limbs and, like, they're playing football with an arm.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And they got caught and they all went to jail. These were teenagers.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And they were called. We called them the Grave Diggers after that because they got out of jail and they hung out at the same benches on Beekman Avenue.

[B]

Oh, so they didn't kind of, like, move on with their life?

[A]

No, no. No progress at all.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. They were the heavy metal kids.

[B]

Geez, I wonder what they're doing now. What do you think?

[A]

One I know is dead.

[B]

I figured they'd, like, work for the city or something.

[A]

One of them robbed my house.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

My mom's jewelry.

[B]

Jeez. Oh, this is a story very close. The Gravediggers. How cool. Is that.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Nice. You only think of the monster truck. They should get that. All right, what else?

[A]

All right, next up, we got the. The. We got an American Pope, which is amazing.

[B]

Thank God you brought this up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes. I mean, honestly, that movie, Conclave. I have jokes on all this, but Conclave. That movie was great. The guy was in it who was like. It was mostly in Latin, by the way, but the guy was in it was fantastic. Yeah, he's a great actor, that guy. I forget his name, but he's awesome.

[A]

What's Stanley Tucci?

[B]

No, he's in it, too, but he's always good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What was gonna say? That guy is just awesome. He also played Ulyses in this other movie, Full Frontal, by the way.

[A]

Yeah, he's great.

[B]

And the guy is just awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, no, this guy Leo, I don't know. I'd say we have to give him a decade or so to settle in. He seems like he's pretty healthy, though. What do you think?

[A]

Yeah, he seems young and healthy. I don't know if I'm excited about an American pope. Like, I think of, like, you know, our accountant is Jewish. Like, I want my accountant Jewish.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I want my pope Italian. Like, that's what they do. Really. Like, they. Italians, like, really believe in God. Like, Americans, you'll be like, do you believe in God? And the typical Christian will be like, yeah, you know, like, kind of casual. But the Italians, like, when you go to church and they're drinking the sacramental wine, like, they literally believe it's Jesus's blood.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're like.

[B]

They're like, oh, see, I didn't even want to weigh in on it since I'm not a member of the. Of the faith or anything like that, so. But he's. He's an American and whatever. See, like, he didn't do that to get away from taxes. You think? Because what did the Vatican City. Like, he has to pay taxes, too?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, I think he's, you know. You know, I'm going to say is just like, his message is always about peace, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They should mix it up occasionally with, like, an old crusader pope, you know, it's like war. God, just wait. War.

[A]

Is there still a Byzantine Empire?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's head over there.

[B]

Those ottomans, I don't like the looks of them.

[A]

And also, like, he's from Chicago.

[B]

Right. So are they proud of him? I bet you they are.

[A]

Well, the White Sox fans are. He's a White Sox fan. Which how do you believe in God? And you're a White Sox fan.

[B]

You lost me on both of these things.

[A]

Oh, you don't watch sports?

[B]

Not really, but it is. I know in Chicago, like, you know, you can't. Like, in a room, if you bring something up, like, it'll just. It'll. Basically. The room will explode.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Well, I think a lot of. A lot of the. He's a White Sox fan. A lot of the other popes were Cub Scouts fans, so people are excited.

[B]

About that, as they would say, you should use that in your routine. That didn't. I'm sure that would get multiple moans in the sensitive world of New York comedy.

[A]

I did a joke about the Pope that was so corny that I did it twice. And then I felt like. I felt like, what am I, like, a late night? It was. The communion wafer is now going to be deep dish. Like, that's just awful.

[B]

Well, that. That sounds like a late night. Yeah, but at least you called yourself on it. But what about the crowds? What do they think?

[A]

They. Well, to me, it was a litmus test for the crowds. The two or three times I did it, I was like, if they like this, I know they're dumb. I just did. Oh, my God. I won't say the room, but I was in New Jersey doing a room. And I'm not saying all of New Jersey because, like, the stress factory I really love, and. But I was in a room where they were just so nice but dumb. Like, every time I did a joke that I was proud of, like, one of those ones, it takes just a little bit of effort.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was just nothing. And then. And then. So I didn't do those jokes after a while. And then they'd walk out and they'd be like, that was really great. And I would feel really bad because it wasn't really what I wanted to do.

[B]

You know what I'm noticing, besides the just being an incredibly old person in this young, young person's game, is that there are still people that have never been to a comedy show. Don't you find that, like, almost like, yeah, how could you not have been to a comedy show? And, like, some of them will be like, you know, I only live a few blocks from the club, but what can I tell you? My life has been amazing. And, like, I never thought I'd have to pay for laughter. And then this other person said, let's go to the comedy club. And I'm like, where is it? Oh, It's. It's in my house. So I'm like. I'm like, you have to hear these stories all the time. Meanwhile, at the club in the city here, the Cellar, there'll be people showing up with the travel bags. Like, they got on a plane somewhere in South Africa. And it's like, I have to make that show. Like, I'm like, can you believe that? They're coming right from the airport. Or they're going right to the airport.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then they're like, dude, it's not worth it. This isn't like, you know, this isn't Cirque du Soleil.

[A]

Well, I think, like, this Comedy store is like that in L. A. Like, people fly and definitely the comedy mothership.

[B]

Oh, that's the destination.

[A]

People fly in to go to the store, and they'll go to, like, one night they'll go to the main room, the next night they go to the original room, and. And then maybe they'll go to the improv. But it's like sex tourism for comedy, you know?

[B]

Right. I guess they heard about it. That was, like, the highlight of their TR Trip. But you played the mothership this year, right?

[A]

Yeah, I'm doing it again in February.

[B]

Awesome. Dude.

[A]

I was there in July, and I'm going back. Going back in February.

[B]

That's a good time to be in that town because it's so hot there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The summers are.

[A]

July was brutal.

[B]

Oh, man. But when I was there, you know, it's funny because, like, that is kind of the inner sanct, the. The sanctuary of all free comedy, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But there was a couple of groans in the crowd, Like a moan and a groan, like a sensitivity. And I was like. I was like, who are. You know, who is that? How dare you in this house? You know? And it was funny. Like, they should have dragged them outside and, like, shot them. Like, we have a zero policy on sensitivity here.

[A]

Yeah. Most things to be at the mothership. Yeah. I'm going to do kill Tony. I think. I think I did kill Tony with you one time.

[B]

Yeah, I bet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That was cool. I did that at the Garden.

[A]

Oh, you did?

[B]

Yeah. That was pretty. And I said to Tony, I go, dude, how. Like, talk about, like, you know, just, like, payback, you know, for years. He's struggling.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, doing this thing, you know, like. And it's like, it just has built and built and built and, like, I'm sure he could have done another two to three shows there. I mean, the audience is so fanatical. About that experience.

[A]

Yeah, no, I was there in the early years. We used to do it not. Not in the main room, not in the O. R. The belly room, which holds like 40 people.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And it was there for years.

[B]

Exactly. You know, he worked. He worked it out. You know, he's a really good producer, that's for sure. I told him, I said, I'm trying to do my own thing. And I look to you and I go like, you know, you bring an event, I mean, like the band and all this pyrotechnics and all that kind of stuff. And I'm like, how do you do it? He's like, you just got to like, basically dig in and say, I'm doing that. You know, it's like you got to mentally prepare yourself that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

This is going to be expensive, time consuming all those things. So.

[A]

No, he's the Erica Kirk of open mic night. What about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce getting engaged?

[B]

I'm for it. I mean, enough already. I love her. I think she, you know, she's. I think she's coming up on 35. She could be president. She's like, now, I never thought to be president, you know, Know, and like, she, I don't know, like that tour, like, you know, like, talk about, like just, you know, like you're like laying in bed in some hotel and like, there'd be a new story. Like Taylor Swift is, you know, like she sold out all of Indonesia or something like that. You're like, wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy. It's awesome.

[A]

I know. Meanwhile, her. Her boyfriend is in the super bowl.

[B]

You know, for sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, that's funny. Like when, you know how, like when your act doesn't apply to you anymore. Like, her songs are about loneliness and, you know, like, you know, the broken heart. And like, she's like, okay, well, I'm leaving. I'm leaving on a private jet to go see my boyfriend is in the Super Bowl. See, it works, people. Don't let that three hours of songs fool you. I'm doing just fine.

[A]

He should be done too, because he's the jock that got the hottest cheerleader. It's over.

[B]

But he's the one who's going to be like the stay at home dad eventually, because how long can he play? You know, he's all like, beaten up. You know, she's got to like, go like to the refrigerator and give him another shot in his knee. You know, like that kind of thing.

[A]

Right?

[B]

I mean, those guys are beaten up.

[A]

Well, they're Beaten up. But they all dream about going into the broadcast booth and calling the games later. Tom Brady's in the booth now, and it's like, the problem is, like, they get in there and they're not relatable guys. Like, Joe Buck is just an announcer. He's not like an ex football player. So. So you can understand when he's describing the plays. But the other guys get in there like, well, you know, they flipped the wishbone there now. And you know that reverse hook with. And you're going like, tom, nobody knows what the fuck you're talking about.

[B]

Well, you know these guys. You know how much money they can make if. Let's say they were allowed to, like, run a gambling site. You know, be like, here's my insight on these guys, because I know them all, you know, like, can you imagine, like, what they would. Even if they were wrong, 50% of the time you would do it because you get to engage with him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But also, like, these guys got to know each other. It's like we were partying two nights. He ain't got. He ain't got it. You know, like that kind of stuff.

[A]

Put your money on the crank guys. Not. Not the fentanyl.

[B]

That kicker. His. His aunt died. All right. He's a little. So, you know, so they would know, like, all that inside stuff, people. They could make millions.

[A]

Yeah. That's good.

[B]

Do you. Your kids are in college, right?

[A]

One's out and one is never going to go.

[B]

Really.

[A]

She's not into it. She has learning disabilities, so she doesn't like school.

[B]

So. What? What? Because, like, now that, like, sports people can get paid in college, you know.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

That's like the ultimate, like, you know, my nephew is like a like, really good lacrosse player, so.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. There's probably hundreds of dollars that he could make playing. It's like the one sport.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like him and a fencing guy. They have to study real hard.

[A]

I know. Yeah. My son played soccer in college. He played well, he played club soccer, but he loved it, you know, I think it's really good for kids to play, even if. Even if your nephew doesn't make any money from it. I think it's amazing.

[B]

It's great. Just in our. We're so unathletic. He's fit and, you know, tough. We love it. We love it.

[A]

All right, let's get to Thailand is the first Asian country to legalize same sex marriage.

[B]

It is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Okay.

[A]

Well, I think.

[B]

What time's our flight? I don't know. That's great. Good for them. There's been a lot of Thailand talk lately.

[A]

Well, there's something funny about, like, you know. Yeah, it's same sex, but one of them started as a different sex. So it's not really. They're kind of cheating.

[B]

Don't believe the things you've read on. On you. You porn. But I know, I know a lot of guys who do the Muay Thai, you know.

[A]

Oh, sure.

[B]

And like those Muay Thai fighters, have you ever seen them?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Like £80 of bad news. You look at these guys, you'd be like, look at this guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Can you? Like, these guys, not only do they fight, they fight all the time. Like, basically it's. It's like they're constantly fighting all the time. And like, you know, you never hear about, like, he's out with an injury. Like, out with an injury. Dude.

[A]

It was.

[B]

We have two reasons why there's no fight. Tsunami.

[A]

Or a gay marriage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, like, to go to.

[B]

But I thought you were going to bring up the Thailand Cambodia problem that's going on.

[A]

You want the one that. That Trump solved. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But they're still kind of fighting over there. But that's like. That's like one of those things where, like, I've known people who've like, gone to that area of the world, you know, like, basically for like, they've all gone. Gone there. And then it was always like to take some kind of magical drug that was like going to be like. Like a thousand therapy sessions. Like, I'm gonna figure out what I want to do because I'm going to there in the jungle and all that kind of stuff. So maybe some of that will stop. Yeah, that'll be good. Because I'm done with those stories.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Too many of them.

[A]

Yeah, I know. It started off with, I think it was like, you lick ayahuasca and you.

[B]

Yeah, ayahuasca.

[A]

You lick it. And then there was the lick. Like a toad one.

[B]

Yeah. That's so old, though, now that's like our generation. But now there's like, there's a million, like, powders and like, you know, you have to sit on a ruin and you know, do something, whatever. Get. Do it while you can. Because when you get old, it's all colonoscopies all the time.

[A]

So I think that would be good merch if we went down to one of those places and sold T shirts that said I got ruined in Mexico.

[B]

Ruined porn. That's what they call it.

[A]

Have you ever Watched trans porn, have I?

[B]

No. I'm trying to think. This is like. This would be like a new. This is like the interview for an equitable job. Of course I have. I watch every type of porn.

[A]

This is like, is it gayer? What? Is it gayer to watch trans porn or straight gay porn?

[B]

Well, why is it that they always have a bigger member than we do? Yeah, it was like, oh, that thing flapping around. It's like, whoa, look at that.

[A]

I know. I want a little one.

[B]

Yeah. So I would say in terms of porn, which I just got back into it lately because I'm into the vintage. But now vintage is considered the 90s, so isn't that cool that, like, you know, all the VHS, the last. The last wave of DVDs and VHS and everything like that. And I swear to God, every. Everyone I had. I had every vhs. You know that.

[A]

Oh, I used to go with you. I remember walking into Sex World in Times Square, and you walked in the door, and they were like, hey, Dave. And they had, like, a bag of stuff that you ordered that had come in.

[B]

It was really tough, you know, because, like, sometimes, like, you don't want to be seen. So. But they're like, they knew me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But, you know, I always like the guy who, like, would pay with his credit card, and I'm like, okay, so your wife doesn't look at that, you know.

[A]

What did you do with all your old dvd?

[B]

I said, I got rid of them, but.

[A]

You did.

[B]

I at one point, had, like, one of the biggest collections of vintage erotica, as we used to call it. Like, tons of it. Like, basically, if you stood on it, you could hang yourself from. That would be the ultimate. I think that was an old joke of mine. Anyhow, like, all they found was, like, the porn.

[A]

What did you do with it? Nobody wanted it, I bet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nobody wants to use.

[B]

Now I'm gonna be, like, outed as a guy who just dumped it. You know, I threw it in a river. No, I tried to sell it, or my. My friend took some and he said, I know a guy who collects this. So he. He got rid of it that way. But the rest of the tapes, you know, just had to, like, just throw them out. I mean, like, getting a dvd. DVD machine to work. Like, do you have one in your house anymore? Because you remember, like, when we all get those tapes, like, of our stuff of ourselves.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, And I was like, oh, man, they were like, this big. And then it became, like, really small. And now it's like now, like, you have to really want one to get one. But I was like, dude, somewhere there's tapes of all of us just like laying around somewhere that no one, you know.

[A]

Well, because when we were trying to break into the road, we would have to mail out.

[B]

You'd have to send him a tapes. Yeah.

[A]

And then you go into the booker's office at the club and he would just have wall to wall tape. Right. That he hadn't looked at yet.

[B]

That's a big thing with the younger crowd of comics where they go, you know, every booker says send a tape, but they don't watch them. And I totally feel for them because it's like they're doing what they were told to do. So they should just really say, like, we don't. We're not taking auditions or we're not taking new people, then for them to go through all the work of doing all that kind of stuff. But it's a link. It's not like they're sending an actual tape.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

So, yeah, that's what I have to say for the young. I feel for them.

[A]

Well, you've always been good to your openers.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And you brought new people on the road and you've launched careers. I mean, look at, you know, Louis Schaefer's doing, not Louis Shaffer.

[B]

Louis Shafer is doing just fine right now.

[A]

How is. Yeah. What happened to Louis Shafer?

[B]

I. All I know is he lived in England. I believe he's still in England right now, which is one of those things where, like. Do you think you can live in another country, like, forever?

[A]

No.

[B]

Which country would it be?

[A]

Ireland.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I've been there, I'd say two times or something like that. It's very pretty and it's very, like, I find that people incredibly smart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just like, you know, but I'm like, at some point that wears off. So, like, you know, like, I would miss too much of the bland accessibility here of like, I just feel like getting a pizza. I'm sure it's like some weird, you know, they have a long conversation with the guy, delivers it or something. They're like, what? You know, like, why there? Because you're Irish.

[A]

Yeah. I feel a connection when I go there and I feel like the people, I feel like they're the best storytellers in the world. I think they've got the best vocabulary. It's like colorful, funny language.

[B]

They're well read. I always felt, you know, they're well read.

[A]

I think they're super Loyal and, and it's visually incredible. And I just feel something like almost in my DNA. Like I go there and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm from like all four of my grandparents are from there.

[B]

Did you ever research like where they're from and all that?

[A]

Yeah, I found that. Well my, My grandfather was one of 13 and they, they grew, they grew up in a two room like mud house.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And so they years was that he came over here in like 1910. And so, so they basically oldest kid comes over, gets set up with cousins or something and then they start sending money back to the Ireland. And then one, one by one the kids all came over and then the, the youngest daughter stays with the parents to take care of them as they get old. That's your Social Security program when you're Irish is the youngest daughter.

[B]

But their economy's better. Way better. You know.

[A]

Paper, paper tiger.

[B]

The green tiger.

[A]

The green tiger.

[B]

Yeah. And I think they're still in the eu, you know, they're not the Brexit.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So there's definitely got to be some kind of crazy exchange going on now, like through England to them to go, you know, get all that EU stuff. So.

[A]

Well, all the British, like my wife, I, I can get it too, but I haven't done the paperwork. But my wife did the paperwork. She's an Irish citizen now. She's a dual citizen.

[B]

Really.

[A]

If you have a grandparent that's from there, you just fill out the paperwork and then I can live anywhere. Live and work anywhere in Europe for the rest of my life.

[B]

Yeah, it's all about climate though, you know, like when you.

[A]

I know about it.

[B]

That's why people like, you know, they moved to Spain or something because they retired. Then the like, you know, at first I sold everything I had and I thought I made a mistake, but now I realize this is great. And. Yeah, you know, they just wanted to like flip the whole script there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe you should do the best of both worlds, which would be. They have these boats where you can like live on them forever. Have you ever seen that?

[A]

No.

[B]

It's mostly for like, like, like retired.

[A]

Couples, like a sale probably.

[B]

Childless couples like couples and like their small dog where they, they go from like different, you know, countries and they like, you know, it's not like gambling and like there's no comic on the boat. It's like basically they live there. They have a cabin that's their house and they go to different. They have like a little adventures for them, you know, wine tasting, something like that. And then that's what they do. So, like, to me, I was like, I wonder what kind of people do that? You know, like. Like, where do they get their mail? Like, what goes on?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, the majority of them said, like, you know, it's actually cheaper to do this than it is to live, like, where we lived and all that kind of stuff. So that's something you.

[A]

Sounds like a night about it. That's literally the worst thing I could imagine doing in life. I hate boats. I like knowing my neighbors. I like knowing my neighborhood.

[B]

Right. You know, but no fires. If there is, everybody goes.

[A]

One fire. You really know.

[B]

But I always think it's funny that, like, the woman was talking about. She's like, yes, it's a. It's a great experience. And they were supposed to go someplace, but there was, like, terrible weather, so they didn't go. And then it was like the war, you know, it's like, well, we couldn't go there.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So they're basically going to the same five, you know, we're going to Puerto Rico. Should be exciting.

[A]

Going to the same place the cruise ships are going.

[B]

Yeah, but it's like the fancy boat.

[A]

Go ahead. All right. Tariffs.

[B]

Yes. Keep them going. No, I don't know anything about it, really. I do know, as a chronic online buyer of stuff, that things are more expensive and it takes more time, like, to get something.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

From an Amazon or something like that. It takes way more time. And the whole thing. The beauty of online buying is that, you know, you get it. You buy it, like, four in the morning. You're on there. Okay, I need that. So it comes the next day, and then you're like, oh, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think somebody, Neil Brennan, has a great joke on it, on. On whatever these things. But I would say for me, I'm like, you know, this is crazy because, like, you know, I'm a prime member. I should be getting it now, you know, and now it's like, what, a week? What is this, the post office?

[A]

Yeah. Well, the worst is like, my merch is from China.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, my little buttons. I have these little pins that I sell. And now they used to cost me, like, $2 each, and now they're like $4 each, and they take forever to come.

[B]

Oh, wow. So you have to bulk up. Did they give you a deal? If you bought, like, 10,000, it would.

[A]

Go down a nickel last time, and.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah, I think I might. Maybe I send in. The shipping is expensive as hell.

[B]

That's how you could have Cleaned up with this fire. Is that. You could say that I lost 3000 pins in merch with the retail price of this. And then you have to make, like, a deal with them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow, that sucks.

[A]

Speaking of which, like, I went to your website.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because look, I put a fucking script together for a guest. You've got T shirts for sale on your website.

[B]

I think I'm done with all of them now.

[A]

But it doesn't make sense because, like, it lists, like, shirts that have nothing to do with you.

[B]

What are they?

[A]

Jerky Boys. Do you have a Jerky Boys T shirt?

[B]

No.

[A]

Well, you're whatever they link your T shirt to.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

They list these other T shirts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

As part of your site.

[B]

Oh, maybe they're making some money. Because I'm not.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It's like mtv. It was cyanide. Painter, Fiddlehead. Like, I think he's like, alt bands, and somehow they're, like, making money.

[B]

Maybe it's the same company.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but looks like it's your site.

[B]

Let me see it. Can I take that to my person?

[A]

I'll give it to you when we're done. Okay, good, because I gotta ask you a couple more. All right. Ozempic.

[B]

Yes. The comedy joke that keeps giving. Everybody has an Ozempic joke. But then there's the other one. Maduro, right?

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

See, I think you're cooler if you bring that one up, you know, But. Yeah, I don't know. Would. You were always so bony. Thin anyhow.

[A]

I'm fit. I'm fit.

[B]

You're fit.

[A]

I used to be. I was £270 when I was in college.

[B]

Never knew that.

[A]

No, I've always been quite thin. Yeah.

[B]

So as an ex fat person, do you wish that they had Ozempic back then? And then you would have been popular now, I think.

[A]

I think it's like. It's. It's. The problem is it's one of those things where you take it. I know people have done this. You lose the weight, and then you stop taking it, and it all comes back immediately.

[B]

Does it really? Because I never seen anyone stop taking it.

[A]

Now people stop taking it. Well, you know, right now, I think Trump said it's covered, like, so It's. It's like 100 bucks a month or something. Even less.

[B]

Oh, cool.

[A]

And so, I mean, it's good. I mean, America's fat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I sort of feel like I'd rather see people diet and exercise their way out of it and, like, actually become better people.

[B]

Yeah. But they don't want to do that.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but I feel sorry.

[B]

For the shows that I love. My 600 pound life. Did you ever watch that show? Yeah, that's a good. On the road show doctor now. And they have these people who are morbidly obese. They're definitely going to die. And they're going to him as the last, like before he will do the operation. They have to usually lose about £100 just to fit into the operating room. And it always starts with them being wheeled into his office. And they have to somehow get up and get on this truck scale to see, like, they can finally see it. They're like, I knew I was overweight, but I didn't know I was £900. I mean, I can't move at all. But I thought I was, you know, whatever. But it's so that's like the moment where they're like, whoa, are they gonna say he's just right? And he wheels out, you know, but the guy goes, you have to change your diet. You have to lose all this weight. And I'll see you in six months. If you don't lose £85, we can't even talk about having this liposuct, whatever that. What was. The stomach tapling.

[A]

Yeah, they put the rubber band around thing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So like that show's over now. Yeah, the Ozempic.

[A]

Now it's my 200 pound life.

[B]

I think it's great. I mean, look at all these people who are like so excited about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know what it does? It activates your other, like, what else can I do to myself? And then you see a lot more plastic surgery. I think younger people getting plastic surgery, they have no idea what they're going to look like yet.

[A]

I still want to get it. I know. I mean, I get it. When you got a big nose, that was always a big thing. Like for teenage girls to get a nose job when they turn like 16 or. Sure, but I get that. But I also like it. I like a beautiful girl with a big nose. That was always my favorite thing.

[B]

Really?

[A]

It felt like I had an in. Like I had a shot.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And she was still beautiful. You want that? One thing wrong with a girl.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like a limp.

[B]

A limp is always.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yes. Especially. Especially like when you invite her out for all those things. Like, how about ice skating? No, you can limp and ice skate. That's like this.

[A]

Well, it's. It circles the whole time. She'll naturally be circling.

[B]

But ozempic. So what's Your take on the road with it, like, do you get laughs off of it?

[A]

What I don't do is that big jokes.

[B]

Oh, right. Well, you live in L. A. I mean, that's probably sacrosanct. Sacrilege.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. They resent you for that. That's like doing. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay. All right, so Ozempic is a big game changer.

[A]

The Coldplay. Coldplay concert. The Kiss cam.

[B]

Yeah. What was that about?

[A]

Well, it was a. It was a guy and a girl that were both married.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And they both had kids and he was her boss at work and she was the head of the human resources department.

[B]

Oh, right.

[A]

And they got caught. You know, they got that kiss cam that goes around and finds people. And he had his arms around her from behind and they put the camera on them and then they both kind of ducked and turned away. And then the world saw it and their marriage has ended and they're lost their jobs.

[B]

Are they both together, though?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, that sucks. But I personally don't like to see any public display of emotion with old people. And as an old person, I myself don't like it. But, like, yeah, I saw them hugging each other, like, you know, Coldplay. Look at us. We're in our early 60s, you know, we really made it. I mean, doesn't it seem like. How exhausted are you, like, as a man? I don't know. I'm not going to say how old you are, but I'm 60. Like, to. To do all the stuff you have to do and then cheat.

[A]

I know.

[B]

How much work is that? Like, oh, God, my hip hurts. Oh. I mean, really? That's gotta be like. You gotta really want it, right?

[A]

Oh, I remember you see Tony Soprano coming home at 2am yeah.

[B]

Like, tiptoeing in.

[A]

Tiptoeing in. I can't take an extra shower every day. I could barely get one shower.

[B]

Just all that extra talk. Interest. Fake interest. Oh, really? You're going back to school and 70? Yeah.

[A]

I gotta buy a second. I can't even handle buying one phone. I gotta buy two phones now.

[B]

Yeah, that. That seems like a lot of work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But so they. They now both are broken up, right?

[A]

I think so. And I don't know if their day. I. I haven't heard that they're dating each other, but it seems like they'd be the only people left that they could date in America because they're such pariahs.

[B]

But what a win for Coldplay, right?

[A]

Yeah, honestly, it was huge for them.

[B]

Yeah, well, they always held up, though. But Oasis rocked it this year. Like, they. Oh, my God, talk about, like, out of the gun. Like, tickets, like, cannot get them in England. Like, they had to add, like, a million. I mean, they're playing everywhere.

[A]

So 100,000 seat arena sold out.

[B]

All these arena shows, man. Pretty. Pretty wild. Like, just the fact that, like, you know, like, what did these arenas do on a Tuesday night before this? Like, nothing, right? You know, like, what did they do?

[A]

What do you think about performing in an arena versus, like, in a club?

[B]

No, I don't like it. I mean, I've never. It's not like they're there to see me. I'm just like, I. I had some really great shows with. Shane Gillis is here, and I've done them with, like, Bert on his tour, but that's. I'm doing 15 minutes, they're doing hours. So I can only imagine how hard that is to like, constantly be, you know, like, circling around. And I noticed the really good ones, especially, you know, like, Bert, he brings the whole, like, you know, like, he. He brings the energy and it seems to match the room.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, but, like, when people, like, talk, like, you know, they bring in the crowd. Like, I've seen Shane do that too, which is really, like, masterful to bring the crowd close. And, like, for me, I'm, like, trying to, like, I'm like, I should be louder. No, wait, I should draw them in. I should look this way now. I've been looking that way too much. So. Yeah, I guess you'd have to do like 50 to 100 of those before you felt confident, you know?

[A]

You know who does it well is Big J. Will do crowd work and they use the camera I love.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And, like, he's just sitting on his stool.

[B]

He's fearless, by the way. He is great. Yeah. Yeah. And Skank Fest. Is that on your list? Because I could talk about that for two hours.

[A]

All right. We. We hung out a lot at Skank Fest this year.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And that was really fun.

[B]

And how old did you feel like when you were there?

[A]

I didn't feel that old because, like, I kind of felt bad for the young people because they thought that they were at a festival and something was going to happen. Like, this is their career.

[B]

I felt that I was like, you know, in the biker culture, where it's like, the biker club has moved on, but I had gone to prison and now I'm out and they know me as a legendary biker, so I'm just hanging out, like, yeah, man. You know, back in the Day, you know, I was like, but it's the reverse because everyone's high and I'm not. Everybody there was, like, incredibly high, having a great time. And to Louis, to Lewis and Christine, I was like, you guys have done it. There's a Ferris wheel here. I asked him, how much does it cost to rent a Ferris wheel? I went through everything with them. They had all these events. They had all the boxing and everything like that. I love that. I was like, man, these shows are like the side now. Like, the shows are just like, just to get, like, for the insurance, you know? Yeah, we're doing comics. You got so many different things going on.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

What did you think?

[A]

Well, I liked it because, like, it used to be you'd go to an. You'd go to a festival. Like when we went to Montreal back in like, you know, the early 90s. Yeah, you would go and agents and man, like, literally, like the heads of the studios and the networks would go to the show because Ray had a show on the air and all that. And so that was how you got some exposure and made a career. And that doesn't exist. Like, you go to those events now, like, nobody's getting any deals. And you realize the only way you get famous now is by getting canceled. So this is a festival that literally gets you canceled.

[B]

They.

[A]

You got like thousands of people videotaping you on mushrooms and naked boxing.

[B]

And I love that part the best. The. I said to guys at my gym, I go, have you ever seen, like, MMA BJJ with tasers? And they're like, where were you? I go, I was just down in New Orleans. And they were like, do it. And the guy had the tasers. And they're like, no. And these are like semi professional fighter people.

[A]

And then they had Miss Gang Festival.

[B]

Oh, great.

[A]

And it was nice because for the winner, they. They found her parents and paid for her abortion.

[B]

Well, they had the. What was the other one where it's like, you know the guy who's like, really out of shape.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Did you see the second day of fighting? Because that's when I showed up and I was like, whoa, look at these guys. And like, I was like, liability insurance. And they even were saying, they're like, okay, he's leaving the mat now. He hit the pavement. We are not, you know, like, we are fine. But yeah, this guy's up there three day up on coke and get in the ring and everything. But the shows themselves, I would say it's hard on any kind of festival. Comedy, because it's like they've seen multiple shows, they're exhausted, they've heard a bunch. And I think that, like, you see the difference between the standup show and then the podcast show, because they love the podcast show because they get to see as they're happening. You know, it's kind of like theater for them. But the stand up show, it's kind of like. It's almost like they have to go see it. Like driver safety.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But there was. I had one really good one. But, you know, you got to go off the script. You can't just like do. Do your act there, you know, like, you've got no.

[A]

You were funny.

[B]

Kind of wilder. I saw Stanhope was there, who was like another. You know, like, he's legendary. So.

[A]

But I. You had all this funny local stuff and then, like, you would change it. I was like, when I have some local stuff at a place I like, I'm so happy that I have like five minutes up front.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And you had this whole thing about how the problem in New Orleans is.

[B]

Your music doesn't match the crime. Yeah, I've been trying that here. It's not working.

[A]

Such a funny bet.

[B]

But yeah, thank you. But, yeah, no, I would say that's the town that we all, like, scratch our head with because the people there are so fun. They're unique. But there's no comedy scene. None at all.

[A]

Been a club in New Orleans.

[B]

Anybody who's like, I'm out of New Orleans, you're like, well, where did you perform? You know, like, where could you actually do time?

[A]

You know what's really cool is Mark Norman's from there.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, one of the nights there was a local comic, this black guy, and I was like, what's going on locally? And he's like, oh, I. I host this little pop up show on Tuesdays. And Mark Norman just came down, like at 9 o' clock on one of the festival nights. He went down and kind of supported the local scene.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I give it up for those people because, like, I think Lafayette is like the closest. I love that club. I haven't played that one, but I've played great things.

[A]

Yeah, it's great.

[B]

And then, you know, I played a casino in Shreveport, which is another one where you're like, they won't even let you play in New Orleans after that. Like, you have to like, give them that like, zone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, so it's like, you know, I'm like, I'm just gonna go down there and see if there's anything to do because that's the better airport to fly out of any.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

But, yeah, no, New Orleans is like, you don't move there to do comedy now. You move there to, like, you know, you're into, like, you know, you want to be a writer, you know, an alcoholic writer or something like that. Yeah, yeah, I guess comedy, you got to go somewhere else.

[A]

All right, one last question from the year. I'll give you a choice. I'll give you three topics, and you can pick one. You can either do Kimmel getting fired, P. Diddy getting four year sentence, or Mom Donnie getting elected.

[B]

Well, we might as well talk about Mandani, okay? Since I live in New York, first of all, I lived through de Blasio, and I don't want to see that again. You know, he had a lot of great ideas, you know, a lot of thoughtful thoughts. But at the end of the day, this town is about business, all right? We got to get people working here. And, you know, what was I going to say, you know? You know, I said, I've been bringing it up on stage, you know, because the older folk are kind of like eye rolling already. But the younger kids love him. They really do. He's like a one man beetle, like these guys. And then I realized, I'm like, why do younger people. I get it, it's like, oh, because they've grown up in politics where everybody's been 70 years older than, you know, like, the youngest of the oldest people is still like 50 years older than them. It's like, finally a guy who might know their music, you know, finally a guy who understands how you, you know, like waiting for a fresh, direct order is, you know, like. I don't know. But yeah, no, this town, man, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, I mean, we're all. We're all holding our breath. And, you know, when you said the Waymo thing here, you know, like, that's the one thing New York doesn't need, which is like, you know, we have all these things that kind of work. Like the subway kind of works and this kind of works and that kind of works. And it's like, fix one of them, you know, and then move on to the next one. Like, whenever I drive out to my mom's house on Long island, there's a construction thing that's been going on from before the pandemic. I've never seen any guys on the site, but it's always like, you know, it creates gridlock. And traffic. That is like, okay, so evidently somebody started this because someone had to put up the work site and then like, I don't know what happened. Like, everybody said, like, no, we're starting an improv group that's like, okay, get other guys in now. And that's my biggest problem with the young generation is follow through.

[A]

Maybe it was a prank. Maybe some guys just.

[B]

Yeah, maybe it is like this incredible. How long will we take it? So who do you. What. What is your plans for the next year? What are you thinking? Career and, and for your own body, your own, well, life.

[A]

I realize that, like, I've sort of missed the whole social media thing and, and I don't think it's too late. And I'm really kind of invigorated to like, I've got this new studio in LA that's like a really nice green screen studio and I want to think of something fun to do where I can like, put out new content. I want to cut up old videos. Like, I'm going to, like, this is going to be the year I actually give it a shot instead of putting out like one clip a month.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And see what happens. Because it's getting really hard on the road to fill clubs. Like, people were coming out after the pandemic, like, in droves.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now I feel like in the last year it's starting to calm down. And I think that for me to keep working in the clubs, I have to put some effort into being more of a presence online. So that's a big thing.

[B]

That's. That's pretty pragmatic, what you talked about. I was going to say I was kind of hoping to disappear. Like, I really, you know, it's like so the opposite. I'm like, I'm like, really spoiled in a way because it was like, I know I could go there and do pretty good, but like, you know, these other places, like, I've kind of given up on them. And it's like, if I can only do the ones where I know I'll do okay, then I won't have to do any work. But I realize we all have to service the beast. We have to do the content and all that kind of stuff. And I'm like, I'm like, you know, I don't know. I don't know how long I'll do it. I know I have to do it for money. And also that's what I do. This is my thing. Like, I love doing standup, but. But the travel and the, and the. Everything around it now is another level. And I know it's like there's people who have real jobs. This really makes it a real job. Just the waiting to get there and all that kind of stuff and like, the delays and just the amount, like you said, with the merch and everything like that, and just how much like, the hotel and all that kind of stuff is, like, gone up. And yet, you know, the pay is pretty much.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you, like, you also have to, like, service the crowd, too. It's like, you know, like after the show, you gotta go out with the merch and you gotta do all that kinda stuff too. So, you know, at some point you realize, you know, like, I've just spent three days there, you know, two of which were traveling to get there. And then one day of, like, the joy of doing standup and it's like, you know, and then the thing that's most depressing is coming back off the road and, like, doing the shows in your town or at your club and you realize it's like, this is like a whole nother level of, like, work. Like, the crowds are sensitive. They don't get it. You know, you thought you were gonna work on that new bit you came up with on the road. That's not happening, you know, in your own shit too.

[A]

Well, it's also like, I feel like I just did Alaska and I feel like the further you go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The more pain in the ass it is to get to. The shows are so much better.

[B]

But, okay, let's say, like, here's the gig that, like, everyone always talks about, which is Hawaii, which they can never have a club either because, like, there's just too much going on. And anybody who goes over there goes native right away. They like, they're like, why should I work? I'm going to surf or I'm going to do this. So, like, if you went to Hawaii, would you charge more money than if you went to, like, wherever? Like, you know, Oregon, you know, because it's so hard to get.

[A]

Right, Right, right. Well, that's kind of a vacation, though. So I would probably do.

[B]

Okay, well, Alaska then.

[A]

But, like, Alaska, I did charge more and I'm gonna charge even more next time.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

It was a day. It was a full day of travel for sure.

[B]

And then that's from west coast, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And that's from the West Coast.

[B]

So how did you do it? You flew to where? Seattle.

[A]

Seattle. And then it was another, like, three or four hours from Seattle to Fairbanks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when I was Flying back, I went to check in the night before, and because I had a close connection in Seattle, and it looked like I wasn't gonna make it, like, I ran, and they just, like, held the door for me. So somehow it showed in the system that I never made that second flight. So they canceled my flight back, and I spent three hours on the phone with Alaska Air trying to convince them I'm in Alaska. I got here. How did I get here?

[B]

Oh, wow, that's. See, that's something where, like, at least you talked to a person, because in the future, you'll be talking to, like, a chat GBT or something, and it'll be an Inuit.

[A]

Yeah, it's Alaska.

[B]

You have to pick a language.

[A]

But, like, the other thing I realized, like, I was in coach, like, premium. And then when they finally gave me a seat, it was like, the last row next to the bathroom.

[B]

I like that one.

[A]

And the thing is, like, if you're. Here's the thing. If you go. If you're sitting in coach, you can't brag.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, because you're not in. Like, people go, like, what do you do? And I'll be like, I'm a comedian. They go, oh, like, you're a coach comedian.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And somebody's actually asking you what you do on a plane. That should be illegal.

[A]

That's my. My mother. Does that move. All right, listen, we're gonna let you go. I will plug your dates if you want to see Davitel live Soul. Joel.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's talk about Soul down pa. I love this club.

[B]

The great news is this. During the pandemic, that was like, our, like, Oasis.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Soldier. He kept it going. Yeah. Doing it outside in the tent. They've moved it indoors now. How about that?

[A]

It's in, like, basically a banquet room.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But it's got, like, a little rickety stage and the best crowds. It's really fun.

[B]

Yeah. And I'll be selling my merch. I have some magnets. So do you? Yeah. There you go.

[A]

Did you get that for me, that idea?

[B]

What? No. Why? You sell magnets?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No way. Really? Yeah. You do the pins. And I can't wait to get on a plane with about 30 pounds of magnets. That shouldn't trigger anything. Hey, can I sit near the engine? What's in this carry on bag? I just have about 400 magnets. Why would anybody travel with so many magnets? But have you ever had to pull your merch out and then demonstrate it? You see, you put it on your Pin. No, I'm serious. It's a magnet.

[A]

Literally, every time I fly, they open my bag, I got a huge bag of pins. Phoenix, Arizona, February 13 through 15.

[B]

I'm fingers crossed on that one.

[A]

Why?

[B]

It's a big room, man.

[A]

Valentine's Day, though. That's a big weekend.

[B]

Everybody in Phoenix leaves Phoenix whenever there's a three day. There's like, let's get out of here. And then they always bring me in. It's like the whatchamacallit. Like, he'll just do it. Yeah, but, you know, they're cool there. That's a cool town, I guess, you know, and weather should be okay. Yeah, I know. I've had some cold days there, too, so. It might be freezing.

[A]

It could be called nighttime. Gets cold because it's the desert Brea. Coming up, San Francisco. Addison, Texas. Nashville. If you want tickets, you go to Dave Attell. T t e l l.com a t t e l l dot com.

[B]

You old. All right. They get it. Go to. Go to Davitel. Add a tell, whatever it is. Anyway, I hope to see you guys out there. Have a happy and safe new year, buddy. To you as well, man. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Thanks for being on.

[B]

Didn't want to come in, but once it started, I couldn't wait. It was great.

[A]

Yeah, thanks. I got that energy at the beginning of the time. You literally.

[B]

It's the globe.

[A]

You didn't look at me for, like, the first three to four minutes of the podcast.

[B]

Well, I was just taking it all in, dude. I mean, three cameras in one room here.

[A]

All right.

[B]

And a fake plant.