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- [00:01]
A
This episode is brought to you by State Farm.
- [00:04]
B
Checking off the boxes on your to do list is a great feeling. And when it comes to checking off coverage, a State Farm agent can help you choose an option that's right for you. Whether you prefer talking in person, on the phone or using the award winning.
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A
App, it's nice knowing you have help finding coverage that best fits your needs. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there Hablas espanol spries du dzoich com de nosk.
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B
If you used Babbel, you would Babbel's conversation based techniques teaches you useful words and phrases to get you speaking quickly about the things you actually talk about.
- [00:37]
A
In the real world.
- [00:38]
B
With lessons handcrafted by over 200 language experts and voiced by real native speakers, Babbel is like having a private tutor in your pocket. Start speaking with Babbel today. Get up to 55% off your Babbel subscription right now at Babbel.com Spotify spelled B A B-B-E-L.com Spotify rules and restrictions may apply.
- [00:58]
A
Foreign.
- [01:06]
B
Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. I'm sitting in the Greenlab studios where we record the show and I don't know if people know but like we record here and then it gets sent off to a producer who edits it, uploads it, smooths it out, does all that stuff. So for many years Midcoast Media has done it. We have moved on with all good heart. Just things transition sometimes, but I just want to give a heartfelt shout out and much gratitude to the amazing work Chris Denman and Beth Hoopes have done. They're good friends and they're very talented. And Logan, who edited a lot, been many editors over the years but just want to thank them. They've meant a lot to me. We've done great things together and that's it. All right. So anyway, I'm wearing a hat. It's not the same kind of hat I normally wear, but I'm going in some different directions. This year I began trimming my pubic hairs. I don't shave them, but I got a man groomer and I realized they were completely out of control and that was disrespectful to my wife. And so I clip and what I do is I don't want to be. I don't want to look like a teenage boy with a bald head and a wrinkled neck. So I'm not shaving it, but I trim in moderation. When the hairs get longer than my penis, I trim them. It's like going to a carnival, and you have to be over a certain height to get on the ride. If you're over that height, I trim it down and you know. And that height can vary depending on the temperature of the house. If I'm stressed out about my calendar being empty, there's many different factors. How the last time I had an orgasm that can affect the size of it. Sometimes it gets larger when it needs. When it needs a workout. So I bought a Mustang. I'm trimming my pubic hair. I've got a. I've got a cool hat. I don't know. I'd call it a midlife crisis, except I'm pushing 60, so I'm trying to do the math. I think I'm at a two thirds life crisis. More, I'm at a three fifths life crisis. I don't have a lot of time left, and I want to live it right. So I made love to my wife yesterday in the middle of the day on the couch in our living room where the apartment across from us can see in. And we didn't care because if you want to look at that, hey, you're a freak. Anyway, I want to get to the podcast right away because I'm excited about the last time I had Jay Moron. It was truly one of the best podcasts we've ever done. He is just a. He's got a mind like a steel trap, and he's a great storyteller, and he's very vulnerable. He's very forthcoming. He's charming. I love Jay Moore. I've known him since I started. A few years after I started, I got to know him in New York, and so I'm happy he's back today. Good luck to the Rams this coming week. I think I predicted they were going to win the super bowl at the beginning of the season, so they're in great shape. They're so, so exciting. Pukinakua. I could watch that guy. I have a gay crush on Pukinakua. I think I could make love to him. I've never made love to a man. I've never even kissed a man on the mouth. But when I see Pukinakua, some weird feeling comes over me. Like, it would be beautiful. Anyway, we have tour dates coming up. Austin, Texas, at the Mothership, Joe Rogan's club, January 30th through February 1st. Oh, I forgot. No, this weekend I'm at Irvine at the Improv. Whatever dates this weekend is 24th, 5th, whatever. The Friday, Saturday, Sacramento Punchline. February 5th through the 7th, Philly Helium, February 13th through 15, Valentine's Day. Get your date together. Lexington, Kentucky. Houston, Fort Worth, Louisiana. We got the St. Patrick's Day Show, March 17th, Janesville, Wisconsin, Bakersfield. Anyway, I also want to mention when I said I made love to the wife yesterday, let me just tell you something. I got a free sample of the Blue Chew Gold. It's the number one chewable Ed brand. And look, I'm no spring chicken. I'm on antidepressants. Sometimes daddy needs a little push, little tush push, you know, like I'm a quarterback. And it's third and short. Sometimes you need to get pushed over a little bit. Blue Chew Gold combines two ingredients designed to support blood flow, plus apomorphine and oxytocin to help turn the arousal and connection. It basically, it turns into your present. You're confident you're fully in the game. You're not thinking about possible failure. That just doesn't enter your mind. So it allows you to be spontaneous. Because it only takes about 15 minutes to kick in, I actually find it's even less so. Forget about, like, you know, Netflix and Chill or whatever odd kind of pairing rituals people do. I put the Blue Chew in my mouth. I walk into the living room and I just stick my tongue out. And she sees the blue and her ears perk up like she's a deer in the wild. And she starts presenting. It's Pavlovian. So anyway, take it to the next level. Championship belt. Gold. Gold standard. And also, if you're listening and you're a woman, send your man the link and make him a trophy husband with Bluechew Golds. Make life easier by getting harder. And discover your options@bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Bluechew Gold with code Fitzdog. F I T Z D O G. That's promo code FITZDogg. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. And my wife thanks you for yesterday afternoon around 1:15. Okay. My guest today. Oh, you know him from. Well, first of all, Saturday Night Live. He was on snl. He did a lot of great stuff on that. He was in the movie Action. He was another TV show, Action the Movie. Jerry Maguire with Tom Cruise. He was in Ghost. He was in a pretty good sitcom called Gary Unmarried. People didn't really know about that as much as they should. Have Dumbbells air a million of them. He got nominated for a Primetime Emmy as one of the original hosts and executive producers of the Last Comic Standing. So in just a few moments, this chair over here is going to be occupied by the great Jersey Zone. Jay Moore. My guest, Jay Moore joins me amid the chaos of Greenlab Studios. What do you think of the hat?
- [09:12]
A
I like the hat. I've always liked you in hats. Usually you wear the little derby. What is it called? A little, like, newsy cap.
- [09:19]
B
Newsy cap, yeah, they're kind of Irish.
- [09:21]
A
I want one of those. And just wear it with like, a tracksuit. That's the South Boston, like, uniform. Rolex tracksuit, new little newsy cap.
- [09:30]
B
Yeah.
- [09:30]
A
That spells trouble. Jamaicans wear that also, I think.
- [09:33]
B
Yeah. And the old mafia guys too, the Italian mafia guys used to wear it. And as a matter of fact, that was a big thing with John Gotti is they all wore tracksuits. And then all of a sudden, Gotti came along and he started buying these Italian custom made suits. And they. And he was a young guy and they really resented it. They thought it was drawing attention. You don't draw attention to yourself. You live in a little fucking double decker in Queens or Brooklyn.
- [09:59]
A
And you don't think they resented him for rubbing out guys to get power? You think it was a suit?
- [10:05]
B
It was the blood on his suit.
- [10:07]
A
You know, he was Castellano laying in front of a fucking restaurant in the sidewalk. We were talking about high schools.
- [10:15]
B
Yeah.
- [10:15]
A
In west la. Like when you and I grew up, we went to a grammar school, middle school. And it's like. And then you just go to that high school.
- [10:23]
B
Yeah.
- [10:23]
A
I'd have to fill out applications like, this is bonkers.
- [10:26]
B
Oh, your son's going through that right now.
- [10:28]
A
He's not going through anything. He sits on his ass listening to NBA YoungBoy.
- [10:32]
B
Listening to what said that.
- [10:34]
A
Like Colin, you know, what does he care? He's sitting on his ass listening to NBA YoungBoy. You know, one of the fine Shawn truces of our generation. Sounds like somebody put water on a Chinese robot. They can't all be, you know, Steve Lawrence.
- [10:51]
B
What would our founding fathers think about that?
- [10:53]
A
You know? Yeah. When you fill out the high school application online, it says 30 finished. And then you've read it for like another 10 minutes. Yeah, 32% finished. I'm like, I've been here for four hours.
- [11:05]
B
Yeah.
- [11:05]
A
And then it came. This is. Our kids are kind of similar in this regard. Maybe it said, great, 80 finished. Now we just need his essay. I'm like, yeah, it's going to be a problem. Because he's not an essay guy.
- [11:18]
B
Yeah.
- [11:18]
A
I don't know.
- [11:19]
B
So does that mean you're writing the essay?
- [11:22]
A
Hell, no, I'm not. I could. I can crush an essay. We've always been good at, like.
- [11:26]
B
Sure.
- [11:27]
A
Winging it. Yeah. Make the margins real close. Yeah.
- [11:30]
B
I was an English major.
- [11:31]
A
Big, giant margins.
- [11:32]
B
Papers. Yeah. Therefore, 14 fonts. Double space between the words.
- [11:38]
A
Yeah.
- [11:40]
B
Lots of quotes, long quotes.
- [11:42]
A
Lot of quotes. Yeah. But he's not an essay guy. So I actually texted his tutor on the way here saying, could you come by and help me with this application tonight?
- [11:51]
B
So it's a group effort. Not in. The thing is that he's not in the group of.
- [11:56]
A
That's his. You know what he does? He's the manager of the basketball team, which is like. Exactly. He's a teamster. He just likes to watch other people do stuff. He's a. My son.
- [12:07]
B
Pants hang off his ass. You see a little crack.
- [12:11]
A
Yes. As Jim Norton would say, he's a scallop. He's a big boy. He's. He's. But he's a sweet guy. Like, do you want a kid that struggles to get Bs, that's a nice guy, or do you want an asshole to get straight A's? I don't know, man.
- [12:26]
B
I think you and I discussed once about how our kids have high social iq, and that's sort of like what I take over anything else.
- [12:33]
A
I'll never forget it. Greggy. We were at a bowling alley. We bowl every Tuesday nights as a family. My friend was visiting from Japan. His half Japanese daughter dressed like. Like a Japanese schoolgirl.
- [12:46]
B
Yeah.
- [12:46]
A
At 18 years old. Cute girl. We're all just standing around. He just looks around and goes, hey. I don't think I introduced myself. I'm Maki. I'm Jay's son. And I went, what am I worried about? That's the kind of guy that's. He's a producer.
- [12:58]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [12:59]
A
You know how teamsters have sex?
- [13:01]
B
How?
- [13:01]
A
Bring it back. Come on back. Come on back. Come on.
- [13:07]
B
Does she have to go beep, beep, beep?
- [13:10]
A
You know, when he was little, he got one of his toys stuck behind the couch and he went. He couldn't turn around, so he had to walk backwards. And he walked backwards going, beep, beep, beep. I was very happy.
- [13:21]
B
No funny kids. Look. AI is going to take 90% of the jobs. And I think I have not seen an example of AI writing comedy yet. That is funny in anyway.
- [13:31]
A
It's bad.
- [13:32]
B
Yeah.
- [13:33]
A
Like AI, comedy is very thin.
- [13:35]
B
It's very thin.
- [13:36]
A
The words are right, but you can't replicate soul. Right?
- [13:40]
B
Yeah. Yeah. And you can't. I think comedy is a moving target, and I think tone is changing. Like, it feels like by the month. Like, you and I started out in the trenches in New York, and you come up to Boston, where it was even tougher, and we have to roll up our sleeves and be the quickest, coolest, toughest guy in the room to earn the microphone on stage, or they just would ignore you. And now it's exactly the opposite. It's, how vulnerable can I be? How much of my backstory that's dysfunctional can I share? And I want you and me, the audience, to be the same. I'm talking, but we're all sort of communally in this room. That's the new style of comedy.
- [14:28]
A
And they always got to tell the audience that they're autistic, but they're not.
- [14:31]
B
Yes.
- [14:32]
A
It's always a girl.
- [14:33]
B
Yeah, right.
- [14:34]
A
It's always some girl. Like, well, you know, I'm autistic. I'm like, you know, I watch Love on the Spectrum.
- [14:38]
B
Yeah.
- [14:39]
A
You don't seem like the others. Do you watch that show, by the way.
- [14:42]
B
Yeah.
- [14:43]
A
Greatest show I've ever watched in my life. We watched the Australian one, too.
- [14:48]
B
Yeah.
- [14:49]
A
So Michael, the Australian star, his kink is his kink. His thing is he likes dressing formally.
- [14:57]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [14:58]
A
So when he takes his date to see Dawn Wells from Gilligan's island, she played Marianne at Comic Con in Sydney or whatever, and he dresses like the Skipper, and they wait in line all day, and he meets Dawn Wells. So it's like, the single greatest day of his life.
- [15:12]
B
That's amazing.
- [15:13]
A
Then, like, Don Wells gets Covid, probably from that trip, and Diesel. Then the next season, like, halfway through the season, he meets, like, his friend, the normie girl that he pals around with. They haven't seen each other in, like, eight months. And she goes, hey, Michael, how have you been? He goes, dawn Wells died. But, like, she might be a suspect. Like, and you've never been ruled out. It's like a year has gone by. Don Wells died. Have I been. John Wells died. I'm in love with that guy.
- [15:47]
B
No, I do this. I've. I've worked for about 15 years with a group called Best Buddies that helps people with intellectual disabilities.
- [15:54]
A
Yeah.
- [15:55]
B
And so I've gotten to know a lot of them and. And you hang out with them. We'll go bowling as a group. Or else. They, like. I just Got. I was just named the best buddy champion because I was one of the top 10 fundraisers last year.
- [16:08]
A
And so it's really what it comes down to, isn't it? No matter.
- [16:10]
B
It kind of is.
- [16:11]
A
Your time, your energy, your heart. It's like, can you raise? I got a flat, but they deserve it. I've always wanted to get involved with best buddies. Then I go to a 12 step program and I work with a lot of chess buddies. When guys go. Yeah.
- [16:26]
B
But my point is the love on the spectrum. People come to it because it's la. So it's all the famous people that are on the spectrum. They're famous ballers.
- [16:36]
A
Yeah.
- [16:37]
B
They walk around and as soon as they meet you, they'll be like, follow me on Instagram.
- [16:42]
A
And they sell merch.
- [16:44]
B
Do they really? Yeah.
- [16:45]
A
James, the blonde guy that lives in Boston with his family. I wish he wouldn't say adult beverage. That insinuates it somehow. By drinking alcohol, you're more mature. And the dad's like, you're not going to win this one, James. The parents are amazing.
- [17:04]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [17:05]
A
I love, I love. First of all, how do you feel about when they set somebody on the autism spectrum on a date up with somebody with down syndrome?
- [17:14]
B
Yeah.
- [17:14]
A
To me that seems almost like interspecies dating. It's like, it's like.
- [17:19]
B
It's like an Italian and Irish.
- [17:21]
A
No, it's like a cheetah with a raccoon. Like, it just doesn't match to me. And then the one guy who was it Mark in Australia, he's obsessed. Oh, no, it was Tanner who goes to, like, he works around Clemson in South Carolina and he works at the hotel and he's. He's very fired up. And I love. I love the zoo and I love that. And he's sitting across from a girl with down syndrome and he's just like, I like apes and monkeys because they look like us. And he goes on, and the girl's just sitting across the table from him. Like, you know I'm retarded, right?
- [17:53]
B
Yeah. I'm not taking any of this in, like.
- [17:55]
A
And he read the room. Tanner.
- [17:57]
B
Yeah.
- [17:58]
A
I don't know. But then there was love in Australia. That guy.
- [18:01]
B
That's literally what it is. They can't read the room. That's why we give them all those cues. Like, if they say this, then ask them about themselves.
- [18:10]
A
The coach ladies on that show. Jennifer Cook, I think is her name. She's a miracle. She's incredible.
- [18:18]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [18:19]
A
Like how she knows how to crack Spectrum.
- [18:22]
B
Speaker. Yeah.
- [18:23]
A
When she's just rolling tennis balls at the girl, every time she asks a question, she rolls them.
- [18:27]
B
Oh, right, right, right.
- [18:28]
A
And then she goes, there's too many balls. She goes, right, yeah. Now just roll me one ball. And then on the date, you see them actually apply it. If you haven't watched Love on the Spectrum, it's like every episode is like the end of Rocky where you're like, yeah, yeah.
- [18:42]
B
So like a moment when they're on a date in a restaurant and one of them always goes, I have to go to the bathroom. And they don't have to go to the bathroom. They just can't take the initial.
- [18:50]
A
Yeah. That guy Connor met Georgie and they, like, fell in love. And he walks to the bathroom, forgetting his mic is still on. And the whole walk to the bathroom, you hear him going, where have you been been all my life? But he's autistic. So then he says it in Latin and Italian also. Yeah, I love. It's the. I'm. I'm so happy with that show. Like, come on, we need another season.
- [19:13]
B
That's the thing. It's like you just feel joy when you spend time with people like that. It's just the. There's no cynicism, there's no judgment.
- [19:22]
A
Oh, my aunt.
- [19:23]
B
Positive energy.
- [19:24]
A
My aunt was special. Well, actually, Nikki, my ex wife, her aunt, so by marriage.
- [19:29]
B
Yeah.
- [19:30]
A
She was very cynical. It was hilarious.
- [19:33]
B
She was cynical?
- [19:34]
A
Yeah. Like, she's like, too interesting for me.
- [19:38]
B
Oh, okay.
- [19:40]
A
I. We were at Ralph's once, and the guy checking the. It was me and her. And the guy checking the groceries was bald. Bald. And she's just staring at him like this.
- [19:47]
B
Yeah.
- [19:47]
A
And the guy looks up and she goes, you don't like bangs? Amazing. Once she's got her thumb on the remote and it's just going, channel, channel, channel, channel, channel. And somebody comes in and goes, what are you watching, Chris? She goes, the blob. Like, that's what was on in that exact moment when they asked the blob. I'm so happy you do best buddies.
- [20:15]
B
Well, the best was I went up to Boston. I flew to Boston one time to do a bike ride from Boston to Cape Cod to raise money. So the night before, how far is.
- [20:25]
A
How many miles is that?
- [20:26]
B
I didn't do the whole ride. They dropped me off halfway. Some people started, you know, the race.
- [20:30]
A
How long is it?
- [20:32]
B
You know, it's eight hours or something. So I did like this. I did about four hours. I did the second half of the ride. But the night before the bike race, they had a touch football game at Harvard Stadium. And all the Patriots kind of. Tom Brady was like a face of best buddies.
- [20:50]
A
Huge best buddies guy. Yeah.
- [20:52]
B
So he gets all the Patriots to come down and play a touch football game against. Well, mixed in with the. With the special needs people. So it's the buddies and then it's some celebrities which they were dragging the bottom of the barrel and they called me. And so we split up into two teams. And I've got Edelman on my team. I got Tom Brady on my team. Gronk is on the other team.
- [21:15]
A
Oh, my God.
- [21:16]
B
And so we huddle up and Tom is so. He knows everybody by name. Everybody hugs him and he says, okay, Terry, you go out, run out to the right, and Jeannie, you go to the left over there. And then I look at him like this and he goes, the fuck it. Just go out, don't look at me. So he calls the play.
- [21:38]
A
I love your. And then you'll sign my cleats?
- [21:43]
B
Yeah, yeah. So he runs a couple plays and then on like the third play, I'm running up the right sideline. I look over my shoulder and I see Tom Brady looking at my eyes, which immediately you just get a buzz.
- [21:55]
A
You get a boner.
- [21:56]
B
Yeah. And he just tosses this tight spiral. It's floating like a butterfly through the air. I got my arms out for just a basket catch. It's aimed right over my shoulder and I'm just like, don't trip. Soft hands. Bring it in and it hits my hands and I bring it in and I catch it. And then there's two best buddies in front of me and I deked them out and I scored a touchdown. And I look back at Tom Brady's got his hands in his face going like, what the fuck?
- [22:25]
A
We're playing to win. I'm with you. Beat it, pal. I would have stiff armed the shit out of that kid, that big head.
- [22:34]
B
Can we get some ace bandages for this kid for his ankles?
- [22:37]
A
Timmy from south park needs an ice pack. Well, you know what I love about, like, special needs on South Park? Like, Timmy and Jimmy, do you watch it? Jimmy's a comedian. He's got, like little braces and he's like, oh, what a great audience. But I love that they think he's hilarious. Yeah, like, he does, like, impressions of John Travolta and all the south park kids are like, like, it wouldn't be funny if he stunk.
- [23:01]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [23:01]
A
Like he kills and he makes the other guy jealous. Yeah, I'M like, I would have totally juked them out of their shoes.
- [23:07]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [23:08]
A
They're big shoes.
- [23:09]
B
Yeah. There's a kid. I do this benefit. You got to do it one year.
- [23:14]
A
I would love to.
- [23:14]
B
I do this benefit for them. I've done for many years. And there's a kid named Chris Tenney who I kind of mentor as a standup comedian, and he does it every year, and he does 10 minutes. And this kid crushes. And it's not sympathy, you know, stand up. There's no sympathy laughter after the first two laughs. Like, if someone's famous and they come out and they, you know, do a couple of jokes, like. And they're. And they're not brain.
- [23:38]
A
It gets uncomfortable.
- [23:38]
B
It gets uncomfortable.
- [23:39]
A
If you're famous and don't kill.
- [23:41]
B
It gets.
- [23:42]
A
It gets uncomfortable.
- [23:43]
B
Right. So. So anyway, he legitimately. Right. And he does, you know, some of the same, but he has a lot of new material every year. His father's really funny.
- [23:50]
A
What's his name?
- [23:50]
B
He helps him. Chris Tenney. And he comes out and he crushes. And, I mean, people at the end are clapping and standing up in tears.
- [23:57]
A
Could you make a go of it?
- [23:59]
B
I. You know, I've never brought him to other gigs outside. We do it at the store in the main room. He's never done it, I don't think off that stage, but I should. I should bring him out on another gig and not. Not tell anybody that he has that. He's.
- [24:11]
A
Let him tell it.
- [24:12]
B
Yeah. Well, he does. In his act, he talks about it. Yeah.
- [24:15]
A
Keith Rez has got that great joke. He goes, I have Asperger's. I knew I had it as a kid because all. All the kids were making paper airplanes. I was making paper airports. I heard that joke, and I went, holy. That's like. I wish I wrote it.
- [24:28]
B
You know who loved him was Norm. Norm used to bring.
- [24:31]
A
Norm loves him. Yeah.
- [24:32]
B
Yeah.
- [24:34]
A
He. I was just gonna ask you something else about that benefit specifically. I would love to do it.
- [24:39]
B
Were you gonna ask how much do I get paid?
- [24:42]
A
No.
- [24:43]
B
All right.
- [24:43]
A
Who cares?
- [24:44]
B
All right.
- [24:45]
A
Are you still.
- [24:45]
B
Yeah.
- [24:46]
A
You're on the road still?
- [24:47]
B
I'm in the middle of 10 weeks right now, 10 weekends in a row.
- [24:51]
A
I don't. It's a young man's game, dude.
- [24:53]
B
It is a young man's game. And I got to the point.
- [24:55]
A
Oh, yeah. I just saw you on Instagram in the snow on your way to Jersey or whatever.
- [24:59]
B
Yeah. And I was in Atlanta this past weekend, and I, you know, even though I'm only two weeks into the 10 weeks, I'm looking at the other eight and I'm just like, there's like an anger, there's an alienation, there's a loneliness. And I was such a cunt in the green room. And I never am not in the green room. But there was a guy.
- [25:20]
A
Yeah, green room.
- [25:21]
B
There's a guy that came out. A guy video. He videotapes.
- [25:27]
A
You could have stopped right there.
- [25:28]
B
Yeah.
- [25:29]
A
As soon as you said there was a guy that came out, I'm like, oh, yeah? Yeah, come tell me.
- [25:33]
B
So this guy, this guy emails me and he's videotaped me in the past and he said, do you want me to come out? I'd love to videotape you again, you know, for free, just to do it. I'm a fan. He's a big fan. He's a really nice guy. So he comes out to the. So I said, I actually, I'm good. I'm good. I don't, I don't like people photographing and videotaping. It's very distracting. So it's the 8 o' clock show on Saturday night and it's packed and the first guy goes up and chokes on his own vomit. Second guy goes up and flatlines and I'm in the back going like, this is the Saturday 8 o' clock show. What the fuck is going on? And this is a hot club. The Punchline in Atlanta is a hot club. So I go out and I mean, I got my sleeves rolled up and I'm like, I am going to. You know, this is gonna, I'm doing Krav Maga on this crowd. This is going to be a street fight and I'm gonna get them. And. And it took me half the set to just get them. You laughing? I mean, I'd get little. I'd get little monster.
- [26:33]
A
That's very. That's crazy.
- [26:36]
B
So I am you. And you know what? Those crowds are like, Every atom in your body, you are conjuring up. You're making split second decisions about your volume. And who should I be looking at? Should I do some crowd work? Do I. It's sorcery, right? I'm grabbing bits from seven years ago. Like my closers that I gave up on seven years ago. I'm bringing those back and I'm getting them. And then I look out and the guy who I said, I don't want him there, is there and he's got on a Greg Fitzsimmons T shirt, a white Greg Fitzsimmons T shirt, and he's sitting 12ft in front of me in the middle of the crowd taking pictures. And it doesn't sound like a big deal, but you know that that's a big deal, because I can't have any. I can't have any energy leaking anywhere except for trying to connect to this.
- [27:28]
A
Group of people ever or that particular night.
- [27:31]
B
No. When I ask somebody not to and then they do, it feels like a violation.
- [27:36]
A
It is. It is.
- [27:39]
B
Was I wrong? And then I. I didn't yell at him after the show, but I. I go, dude, that really fucked me up. I go, I understand.
- [27:45]
A
That's called healthy boundaries.
- [27:46]
B
Yeah.
- [27:47]
A
But I would have said it during the show.
- [27:48]
B
I couldn't, because I. Because when you put that negative energy out on a crowd like that, they turn on you even more. Like, it's so hard. If a table is loud and the whole crowd can hear it, you can go after them and the crowd's with you. You're right up front, and they're. And they're talking loud.
- [28:06]
A
That's the problem. Because nobody else knows that they're repeating every punchline.
- [28:09]
B
You're the asshole.
- [28:09]
A
And you're like, go, Shut up.
- [28:11]
B
Right?
- [28:11]
A
And I was like, jesus, why was he so mean today?
- [28:13]
B
So I was afraid to come off in any way, except.
- [28:17]
A
And then you're conscious about how you're standing, your posture, like, can you see me through these glasses?
- [28:23]
B
Yeah.
- [28:23]
A
Every weird thing. It's so crazy. You're doing bits and going, yeah, like, maybe this would be good for my real. It's the worst. It's the listen. And then the business. I got to tell friends of mine. You got to get it through your head. The business as we understand it is completely over.
- [28:44]
B
Yeah.
- [28:44]
A
You go, hey, I can't get booked at the Irvine Improv. Yeah. Tube Sock Tommy's there from TikTok. He's killing and Teabag Dennis.
- [28:53]
B
Right, right, right.
- [28:54]
A
And the gorilla twins are coming in. They're huge on Instagram. It's like, who are. What the fuck is going on?
- [28:59]
B
I know.
- [28:59]
A
And they. I did a gig in San Diego, and I go, who'd you have your last? He goes, oh, man. We had to add shows. I'm like, who was it? He goes, guy from 90 Day Fiance. I go, was he good? He goes, no, no, no.
- [29:12]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [29:13]
A
They don't care.
- [29:13]
B
Yeah.
- [29:14]
A
And then every improv is drag brunch.
- [29:16]
B
Yeah.
- [29:16]
A
It's like, what business am I in?
- [29:18]
B
I know. Well, I don't mind the brunch. Here's what I don't like is when a club starts bringing in regular shows. You know, like the 8 o', clock, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, when they start bringing those acts in for that.
- [29:30]
A
Well, they do, yeah.
- [29:32]
B
The bad clubs do. Because here's the thing, bring them in at 3 o' clock on a Saturday because their viewers are all teenagers anyway. It's easier for them to do it at 3 o' clock and you're not stepping on your regular crowd. If you're the Irvine Improv and you start bringing those shit acts in on a Saturday at 8 o', clock, you've got 30% of your audience is passively coming because of the improv brand. And they trust that it's going to be a good show.
- [29:58]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [29:59]
B
They see that show, they're not coming back. It's bad for business in the long run.
- [30:03]
A
They had pro wrestling at the Improv.
- [30:05]
B
Did they really off brand?
- [30:07]
A
Yeah, back in the day for sure.
- [30:09]
B
Damn. I was like, when we were coming up, there was a soap star that was doing it that we all, everybody. I mean, we. Back then people were vicious. People used to go after carrots.
- [30:21]
A
Carrots Top's great.
- [30:22]
B
Carrot tops. But it was so easy for people to shit on carrots.
- [30:27]
A
You write it.
- [30:28]
B
Yeah.
- [30:28]
A
You see how you do writing that shit? Putting teeth marks in a Frisbee and pulling it. I can't. I get. I swear to God, I'm laying in bed, I watch tv, I put my remote down, three minutes later go by, I got to get out of bed and look for my fucking remote. You think I'm going to find a cell phone with a pacifier attached to it?
- [30:46]
B
A toilet bowl with a time of the year banner underneath?
- [30:52]
A
Well, let's keep going. You think I'm going to find a corn on the cob attached to a mousetrap with a mousetrap on each end? You think I'm going to find. You think I'm going to find a flashlight that hangs from my ears?
- [31:08]
B
You think I'm gonna find glasses that cut off the width so my wife looks thinner?
- [31:13]
A
Oh, very nice. That might be the topper right there. You think I'm gonna find a gay pride flag with dude wipes?
- [31:27]
B
You think I'm gonna find buck teeth that have a bottle opener attached on the roller?
- [31:32]
A
Buck teeth seems to be the circle back for him. Right? Like that's his well.
- [31:37]
B
Cause there's the redneck. You know you're a redneck when it's a similar audience. It's a Jeff Foxworth.
- [31:42]
A
If Your family tree doesn't fork. You might be. And then the Waynes brothers had. You might be ghetto if.
- [31:51]
B
Oh, they did?
- [31:52]
A
Yeah, it was funny.
- [31:54]
B
Did they do it on In Living Color?
- [31:56]
A
No, it was a book.
- [31:57]
B
Oh, no shit.
- [31:58]
A
I'm pretty sure I don't know which Wayans I think it was. Marlon and Sean, the usual suspects.
- [32:03]
B
What would your version of that book be? You know, you're a Jersey guy.
- [32:07]
A
You know you're an addict if you.
- [32:08]
B
Know you're an addict if, you know.
- [32:11]
A
Steal someone's shit and help them look for it, you might be an addict if you're addict. If you have two assistants and no job. I just. This is. You know what? Maybe you might be an addict if.
- [32:28]
B
You'Re constipated, but you've been eating nothing but fiber and taking laxatives. Yeah.
- [32:33]
A
If you see prostitutes while impotent.
- [32:38]
B
If you see a prostitute on the street and she knows your name.
- [32:41]
A
Yeah. Oh, if your dealer. If your dealer drives you to a.
- [32:47]
B
Meeting, maybe he cuts you off.
- [32:52]
A
Yeah, that. I hear a lot of stories like that.
- [32:54]
B
Yeah.
- [32:54]
A
Jerry, my friend Jerry was a crackhead. And this dealer goes, bro, my wife says you're a bad influence on me. He's like. He's like 80.
- [33:01]
B
Wow.
- [33:02]
A
We call him Grandpa Crack.
- [33:03]
B
Damn.
- [33:04]
A
It's amazing. What would yours be? You might be Irish.
- [33:07]
B
You might be Irish. Yeah, you might be Irish. You're an.
- [33:11]
A
I love you, dad, though.
- [33:13]
B
I love you, dad.
- [33:14]
A
Like, you tell your kids you love them and stuff.
- [33:15]
B
Oh, yeah. Yeah. But here's the crazy thing. JoJo, who is charming interactive, we said, hi. Hi, social IQ. But I walked over, I got off the road, and I came home on a Sunday, and I went up and I gave her a big hug. And as I'm hugging her, she goes, you gonna cry now?
- [33:34]
A
No. That's a Jersey girl. What are you talking.
- [33:36]
B
Yeah. I go, where the fuck did that come from? And I go, do you not like hugs? And how do I know at 22? How do I not know? I never thought she was a good hugger. My son goes in hard. Me and my son, Tom Brady got shit about this. Me and my son kiss on the lips. We peck each other on the lips, and we haven't seen each other in a while. And then we go in for a deep hug.
- [33:56]
A
You know, it is what food, you know?
- [33:58]
B
Yeah.
- [33:58]
A
Mike. We used to. When he was smaller, and then now he's. It's funny, like, when we go to the gym in the morning. Like, he'll do his machine over there. And I do a machine over here and we switch. So it's like a circuit training. And I'm like, I got my Celsius, my coffee, my AirPods, I'm listening to Sabbath. I'm fired up. And he's just a lazy 14 year old. So I go to give him a five. Like, go to give me a five. He just goes. He just, like touches it like the back of his little baby hands. I'm like, bro, Yeah. I tell my son all the time, you know, my dad used to tell me. He goes, what? I go, not much.
- [34:35]
B
Yeah. Yeah, right.
- [34:37]
A
My sister's visiting for the last four days and we sat on the couch. It's just amazing to like when you go, oh. Our dad was. He was probably on the spectrum. My father, like, incapable of listening to anything you say. Only tells you where buildings used to be. Like, if you lived in la, you'd just be like, this used to be all orange groves, Craig. Yeah. And then we were watching Traders, like, we're watching Traders now. And my sister and my wife sat on the couch. They're like, you want some wine? Jeannie goes, I'll go upstairs and get a little wine. Comes down. They set up. The show's an hour and ten minutes, one glass of wine. And when the show was over, an hour and 10 minutes, they both had that much left. And I'm like, you guys are fucking Martians.
- [35:22]
B
Yeah.
- [35:23]
A
They go, we're just enjoying our wine. I go, doesn't look like it, right? Looks like you're ignoring it.
- [35:30]
B
That wine is hurt right now.
- [35:31]
A
The wine's like, hey, do you. You have brothers and sisters?
- [35:36]
B
Yeah, one brother, one sister.
- [35:37]
A
Do you guys ever, like, as adults now, commiserate about the parents? Like, that was weird. Like, shit. You didn't know as a kid.
- [35:45]
B
Well, I didn't know.
- [35:46]
A
My sister goes, you know, daddy was married before.
- [35:48]
B
What?
- [35:49]
A
I'm like, yeah, yeah. What, you didn't know that? I don't know. Maybe I blocked it out because it was. Because he wouldn't talk about it.
- [35:56]
B
Wow. My father, his parents died in their 40s when he was like a teenager. So he was kind of raised by his brother, his older brother, who was abusive, and then he had no cousins. His brother never had kids, so I never met his parents. I met his brother three or four times. He was a skid row bum. He lived in the Bowery in a welfare motel, drunk. And I don't know one single fact about my father's childhood he never talked about it.
- [36:30]
A
Really?
- [36:31]
B
Isn't that crazy? Like, he gave me a lot of great life advice. My father was. He died young. He was 53 when he died. But he gave me a ton of life advice, but never any trivia about the childhood.
- [36:44]
A
We went to go see my dad for his 87th birthday. Super healthy. And I bring Jeannie to meet him.
- [36:50]
B
For the first time really recently.
- [36:52]
A
Ooh. Two summers ago.
- [36:54]
B
Okay.
- [36:55]
A
They sat together for an hour and a half. He didn't ask her a single question, really. It was all just like. Yeah. You know, this one route I take, I used to take to the post office. I don't. You know, there's an on ramp. And, you know, it's. It's just. It should. A story that should come with bad breath is so boring.
- [37:13]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [37:15]
A
Like that.
- [37:15]
B
I.
- [37:16]
A
You know what I mean? Like that I haven't eaten metallic breath.
- [37:20]
B
Yeah.
- [37:20]
A
Like, only people with bad breath tell a story that fucking boring. It's not like she's interesting at all.
- [37:28]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In his defense, he may not be asking, how's his. Because you've got the mind of a sponge.
- [37:37]
A
He's very sharp. He's fine.
- [37:38]
B
Oh, he is.
- [37:38]
A
Like, his mom lived to be 101, had a steak dinner, rolled over and just didn't wake up.
- [37:43]
B
Okay.
- [37:44]
A
Crazy.
- [37:44]
B
Wow.
- [37:45]
A
I got good genes.
- [37:46]
B
Good for you.
- [37:47]
A
You, not so much.
- [37:48]
B
No, I got.
- [37:49]
A
Is your mom still alive?
- [37:50]
B
My mom's doing good.
- [37:52]
A
Good.
- [37:52]
B
That's the McCarthy side of the family, but, yeah. The Fitzsimmons side. I can't.
- [37:55]
A
Oh, you're super. You're Irish squared, man.
- [37:58]
B
Dude. Yeah. 199%. I took the ancestry DNA test.
- [38:02]
A
Really?
- [38:02]
B
For the grandparents.
- [38:03]
A
What was the 1% Asian?
- [38:05]
B
Genghis Khan. He got around.
- [38:08]
A
That blows my mind.
- [38:09]
B
Yeah. You know, they were all related to the. The Mongols. Like, they're. They. They say something like a third of the world has Mongol blood in their DNA because they. They literally. They were.
- [38:23]
A
You mean the motorcycle gang?
- [38:25]
B
Yes. No. They currently have semen from the Mongols inside of them. No, they were that stuck up on me.
- [38:36]
A
Sorry.
- [38:37]
B
They were. They had Asia, they had Africa, they had Europe. They were everywhere.
- [38:44]
A
I really want to go on that show finding your roots with Lewis on pbs because, like, the celebrities they get, sometimes I'm like, yeah, I got to look them up.
- [38:53]
B
Right.
- [38:53]
A
But it's like, then your. Your great grandfather was actually an SS officer for the Nazi.
- [39:00]
B
Hey. It's like, oh, yeah, who found that out?
- [39:03]
A
How about they found out Terry Crews and a white actor who I like. They were cousins.
- [39:12]
B
Yeah.
- [39:13]
A
Like a Pasty white guy like you and me and Terry Crews, and they say he turns the page to picture Terry Crews, like, yeah. All fired up, flexing.
- [39:20]
B
Yeah.
- [39:21]
A
And then it's always like, any black guest, you're going to find slavery. And it's just like, that's got to be such. Like, we don't ever have to deal with that. That's got to be such a kick in the nuts. Like. So he was owned by this white guy on this farm. And you're like, jesus Christ.
- [39:37]
B
Well, they have an ancestor DNA for racist people. And what it does is it traces you. It keep tracing you back and back and back, but to stop one generation short of black.
- [39:50]
A
Is that true? No, you fuck. It should be.
- [39:53]
B
It should be.
- [39:53]
A
Because, like, the Mafia, you can't be made unless you have Sicilian blood. Right, Right. Is that the thing?
- [39:58]
B
Yeah.
- [39:58]
A
But when you said he was a bum, your uncle.
- [40:01]
B
Yeah.
- [40:01]
A
I was just talking yesterday with a friend of mine, David, and he goes. He had this great. My idea that I said on Corolla was, let's go back to calling them bums.
- [40:09]
B
Yeah.
- [40:10]
A
Because I can live with being unhoused for a while.
- [40:12]
B
Yeah.
- [40:13]
A
But I don't want people going this, well, you know, he's a bum. Like, maybe you don't want to do that so much.
- [40:17]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [40:18]
A
But then he took it a step further. My friend said, you know, like, skid row just have a big sign, welcome to Bumville. Or, like, welcome. This is where the bums buy out all the vendors and merchants. And if you're a bum outside of that area, you get to pick them up and take them. Like, no, you're out of your.
- [40:36]
B
Like, this is our band or something.
- [40:38]
A
Oh, going back. Yeah, going back to the thing. What's.
- [40:43]
B
What.
- [40:43]
A
What's with the world today? Let's talk about. Let's talk about the issues.
- [40:47]
B
Well, I mean, it seems weird on a podcast to not. Because it's all we're thinking about. And it's such a. It's such a. Like, you know, dominating. But at the same time, like, you talk about it and then half your audience goes like, hey, libtard.
- [41:04]
A
Or people don't agree on mass on Instagram.
- [41:08]
B
Right.
- [41:08]
A
Like, if there's a. Okay, what's the answer? Like, math problem. Somebody goes, 18 people write it. It's like, you guys are idiots. Yeah, it's not 18, it's 11.
- [41:17]
B
You're in the pocket of big math Illuminati.
- [41:20]
A
I know there's not an Illuminati. I would have been in it.
- [41:23]
B
You don't think there's an Illuminati?
- [41:25]
A
Don't you think my wife, a gentile female, hot blonde billionaire. They would have recruited her a long time ago.
- [41:31]
B
Yeah, that's true.
- [41:32]
A
Dr. Buss. Yeah, his name sounds like a Bond villain.
- [41:36]
B
She's close to a lot of black people, though.
- [41:39]
A
Who better to infiltrate?
- [41:40]
B
Oh, right.
- [41:41]
A
Dr. Buss. These sharks look hungry for secret agent dude.
- [41:49]
B
You could be part of the Illuminati. You go to that island off North Carolina.
- [41:53]
A
Oh, I was hoping there's another island. Yeah, everybody's up in arms about Epstein Island. Aren't they all just jealous?
- [42:01]
B
Oh, yeah, because it wasn't all little kids. It was. It was a lot of Melania Trumps. Yeah, like, it was mostly Melania Trumps.
- [42:10]
A
Was that we're both being. I'm being very careful with what I say. They. Was it Louis CK goes, you know, it's 18 for a reason. You think they picked that out of a hat? If we could fuck 16 year olds, none of us would go to work. Like, you think they just picked that name out of a hat?
- [42:26]
B
And by the way, people are so up in arms about Epstein's Island. Hey, you know where the real island is? You know where the big island is? Vatican City. How come we're not protesting outside of there? How come they still have tax exempt status?
- [42:40]
A
That's insane.
- [42:41]
B
How come world leaders go and take pictures with the heads of that Epstein island?
- [42:45]
A
I'd love to go to the Vatican. I'd be so starstruck if I met the Pope. A Chicago Pope.
- [42:50]
B
Well, remember, they invited like. Oh, I know, the Chicago Pope. Right?
- [42:54]
A
Like, bro, what are we talking about? What's with your Bears pissing us? Did you watch when's this come out?
- [42:58]
B
Yeah. How can you be. How can you be a Pope? How can you believe in God and be a Bears fan?
- [43:04]
A
I'm a Jets fan, so I don't. To me, every time I watch third down get converted, it's like a magic trick. Like, you can do that. I haven't seen their punter for like six minutes.
- [43:15]
B
Yeah. Meanwhile, the jets punter, he has to change cleats after the game changes under.
- [43:20]
A
Did you watch? Everyone's mad that the Bills, they're like, they got robbed on that cat. I think so. But here's my take on it. You've had six cracks at this.
- [43:29]
B
Yes.
- [43:30]
A
You finally get a sixth and final crack without Pat Mahomes. Get the out. Go. Go away.
- [43:35]
B
In. In snowy Buffalo.
- [43:37]
A
Get out of here. Get out. Get out of here?
- [43:39]
B
Yeah, he had four turnovers. That was just. That happened to be the last one of them. You have the three?
- [43:47]
A
Yeah. Like, get out of here. Enough.
- [43:50]
B
My dream is to one day watch a sporting event, preferably football, with Jay Moore.
- [43:55]
A
Oh, let's do it.
- [43:56]
B
You must be so much fun to watch.
- [43:58]
A
I talk. I'm fun to watch anything with. I talk shit. Watching Naked and Afraid?
- [44:02]
B
Yeah.
- [44:02]
A
You ever watch Naked and Afraid? Yeah, I just sit there. I got an ice cream sandwich. I'm like, that's not even how you make porcupine. This guy's an idiot. Should add water first, stupid.
- [44:11]
B
Wait, you get ice cream stuck in your teeth.
- [44:13]
A
You never get it off your fingers. You gotta scrape it off your fingertips rubbing your teeth.
- [44:17]
B
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [44:17]
A
You gotta scrape that little wafer off your fingertips.
- [44:20]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [44:21]
A
That's the only. That wafer in an ice cream sandwich. That chalk doesn't exist. You won't find that anywhere else on God's green earth.
- [44:28]
B
Nope, nope. It's always hard. Or.
- [44:31]
A
Where do you find that? It's only on an ice cream sandwich. I could eat six of those every hour.
- [44:36]
B
It's also like when you get chicken stuck in your teeth and. And then you poke it out. That little morsel of chicken is way better than any other chicken.
- [44:45]
A
Oh, you lost me on that one. You eat it.
- [44:47]
B
Oh, I nibble it with my.
- [44:48]
A
Do you ever nibble it off the floss?
- [44:51]
B
Yes, always. Everything on the floss gets eaten.
- [44:56]
A
Do you ever flush your floss? No, my ex wife used to toss.
- [45:00]
B
What?
- [45:01]
A
I'm like, what are you doing?
- [45:02]
B
That is like strangling a turtle with your hands.
- [45:07]
A
Enough of the fucking turtles. My straw back.
- [45:10]
B
Oh, are you that guy?
- [45:12]
A
What's. But it's absurd.
- [45:13]
B
But isn't it absurd that it's not that big a deal to just switch to the. Isn't it not that big a deal to switch to straw?
- [45:19]
A
I'd rather not have a straw than a paper straw. But how about a paper straw? But it's in a paper wrapper, so you're doubling the amount of.
- [45:25]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [45:26]
A
Remember when you were a kid, they said every year the rainforest the size of New Jersey disappears? Yeah, that was 1980. They told us that.
- [45:34]
B
Yeah.
- [45:36]
A
So there should be not a tree left on. They lied to us.
- [45:39]
B
Right, right.
- [45:40]
A
I mean, I think the environment's important and all.
- [45:42]
B
Yeah.
- [45:43]
A
Let's get rid of plastics or something. But I don't want to be inconvenienced. Ice bothers me because my. My car wash Clothes because nobody would work it. So there was like a month. I'm like, okay, now I'm against ice.
- [45:54]
B
Right, Right.
- [45:54]
A
I gotta drive around in a dirty Mercedes.
- [45:56]
B
Yeah, I know. My laundry's crazy piling up.
- [45:59]
A
Go to the garage and wheel out the dune buggy. Yeah. Do you ever see the. Jesus Christ. The Jimmy Norton's podcast when he had Voss and Colin on at the same time and they just take a bat to V. Oh, my God. And Colin just goes, you're not in the same business as us. Greatest line. Every time Voss does a joke, you hear Colin go, oh. Like he physically got, like, a pain in his. Oh.
- [46:27]
B
But nobody takes a beating like Voss. He's good at it.
- [46:30]
A
He is hilarious.
- [46:31]
B
Yeah.
- [46:31]
A
But I know his tell. When he. He insults you. And then he goes. He goes like, that's because of your stupid hat. Listen to me.
- [46:38]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [46:39]
A
He says, listen to me. Nobody talks.
- [46:41]
B
Yeah. He doesn't let it breathe.
- [46:42]
A
And then he's just think. It's like when you're doing. Me and Jimmy were talking about that. It's like when you. Somebody always goes, you suck. You go, wait, I suck? I'm really just thinking about what I'm going to say when I repeat what they say.
- [46:51]
B
Well, Rickles always said.
- [46:53]
A
Anyway, Anyway.
- [46:54]
B
Anyway, folks, let me turn this. Anyway, folks, who's calling you boy?
- [46:59]
A
The guys.
- [47:00]
B
You gotta take the call on the air. That's my rule. If your phone rings, you don't want that guy. No. All right.
- [47:07]
A
He'll tell you what's wrong with the world.
- [47:09]
B
Well, every day. Hold on. I got some things in my script I wanted to ask you.
- [47:13]
A
I heard that when gay guys come out of anesthesia, they don't have the gay voice. And that made me very happy. And it makes sense because it's a learned affectation. So, like, I learned to talk like this. Hey, you know, girl. And then you come out of anesthesia and it's like, did it go well? That makes total sense to me. Didn't that fascinate you?
- [47:36]
B
I can't tell if that's true or not.
- [47:38]
A
I heard that when gay guys come in.
- [47:40]
B
You heard?
- [47:41]
A
I heard.
- [47:41]
B
I don't know. Slogan of 2026.
- [47:50]
A
Rogan made a good living doing that.
- [47:52]
B
That should be the name of the podcast.
- [47:54]
A
But think about it.
- [47:55]
B
Forget. Forget more stories. I heard.
- [47:58]
A
I'll tell you what I heard. I heard two of the Stranger Things kids. Are AI you watching that with the family?
- [48:08]
B
No.
- [48:09]
A
I said to my wife, I go, I can't wait. Those. I didn't know it was going to come true. I go, I. I wonder, when these kids turn 18, which one of them the network's gonna make gay.
- [48:17]
B
Oh, right.
- [48:18]
A
And then I watch Instagram. My phone must have heard me. And there's a meme of the kid being gay.
- [48:22]
B
Which kid? The fat kid, Will.
- [48:27]
A
The kid that goes missing in the first scene.
- [48:30]
B
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, you know, numerically.
- [48:33]
A
Did you see my post about that on Netflix?
- [48:35]
B
No.
- [48:36]
A
They got warnings. Like, warning, profanity, outdated cultural references, smoking. How about one to tell me Warning. On episode three, there's going to be two guys smoking each other's dicks on which show? I'm watching the Last of Us.
- [48:50]
B
Yeah.
- [48:51]
A
It's a zombie apocalypse. And you work a gay love affair in multiple gay storylines during the zombie apocalypse. Like, shouldn't we all be running?
- [49:02]
B
I know.
- [49:02]
A
Instead of backing up.
- [49:03]
B
I know.
- [49:07]
A
And it was Nick Offerman. Oh, no, no, no. It was Nick Offerman.
- [49:11]
B
Yeah.
- [49:12]
A
There's some men. I was like, who's your agent?
- [49:15]
B
Unfuckable or.
- [49:17]
A
Or the most. Who know. If you're into a bear, that works well with the arts and crafts. And these guys are in the woods. He shoots a duck. He skins it. He does it. He's got a nice coco van with the wine. I'm like, yeah. They're gearing up to these two.
- [49:31]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [49:33]
A
Meanwhile, there's zombies screaming through the woods.
- [49:36]
B
Yeah. And they somehow have this bucolic little farm carved out where they're left.
- [49:42]
A
Oh, the best neighbors you'll ever have.
- [49:43]
B
Yeah.
- [49:44]
A
I have gay neighbors.
- [49:45]
B
Oh, yeah. The best.
- [49:46]
A
Incredible. And Koreans.
- [49:48]
B
Koreans are good.
- [49:49]
A
They always have that chain across their driveway so you can't back up and go. They're very territorial. A lot of Wheel of Fortune always on.
- [49:58]
B
Yeah.
- [49:58]
A
No matter what time of day. And there's always that little plastic chain across the driveway. Like, don't even think about.
- [50:03]
B
And. And their lawn doesn't have ugly chairs on it because they just go into that squat.
- [50:08]
A
What is that? That's why they live so long. It's all core strength. We just watched that document this whole episode. I'm just going to tell you what I'm watching, Greg. Who knew Jay Moore was such a, you know, media gadfly? Yeah. Anyway.
- [50:25]
B
Wait. Getting back to gay sex on screen because I did you. I feel like you've. You've become a little bit more conservative since the last time I've talked to you.
- [50:34]
A
I'm just tired.
- [50:35]
B
Like every show in a bad way.
- [50:37]
A
I know you. I'm Glad every show I've become a bit curmudgeony. And it is on the right.
- [50:43]
B
But. But. And I don't mean that as a pun, I am very liberal. Grew up in a bleeding heart liberal family. And I'm not. I'm not a snowflake by any means. And there's certainly a lot of things, like, there's a lot of things I fall more on the right on than I used to, but gay sex on screen, I still have a very hard time. As much as I accept and embrace gay people and gay relationships, watching two men make out or.
- [51:14]
A
Greg, there's a warning. If there's straight sex, there is a warning.
- [51:18]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [51:20]
A
Nudity.
- [51:21]
B
Yeah.
- [51:23]
A
Well, why does it bother you so much? It's fucking shocking. Don't. That's the thing too. Don't act like I'm out of line because seeing something that goes against my fucking social moral compass and genetic DNA.
- [51:36]
B
Yeah.
- [51:37]
A
Like, if I go, oh, see, like, there's a guy wearing a dress over there. Wait, don't make him feel uncomfortable. How did that get fucking turned around? I'm in Starbucks with my kids.
- [51:46]
B
Yeah, but wait, what do you mean? It's against your social moral compass? You're against homosexuality?
- [51:51]
A
No, we're in show business, you know, we don't give a shit. Right, but the thing with gays is they want us all over, for the most part. I mean, there's pockets of the country that are like, beat it.
- [52:03]
B
You mean they want you gay?
- [52:04]
A
No, they want us over on their side. What I do behind closed doors is my business. And over time, we all go. They're right, right? They're right. Trans is what I do. Where you get your Starbucks is my business.
- [52:19]
B
Yeah, get.
- [52:20]
A
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It doesn't work that way. And you get rights, but you don't go to the front of the line. Yeah, my son's school, which I won't say what it is, there's a billboard for that school with three circles and in each circle is a child. One of those three circles is a trans kid.
- [52:40]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [52:41]
A
Like, what are we doing?
- [52:43]
B
No, I'm with you there, but I don't. I don't have a problem with a couple trans people hanging out at a Starbucks holding hands or whatever. I think if.
- [52:51]
A
No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is don't act like I'm like a fucking maniac because it takes me a minute to get used to it, right?
- [53:00]
B
You gotta give us a minute. You gotta give us a minute.
- [53:03]
A
Like you missed. I was at a meeting on the beach.
- [53:06]
B
Well, and I think that's where this whole insane backlash against the WOKE movement because the woke movement was misguided in a big way. Yes. I think that the remedy for racism was yelling and shaming. And I don't think that. What's the end game here? Do you want punishment for past beliefs?
- [53:30]
A
No.
- [53:30]
B
Or do we want. No, I'm not saying you. I'm saying society. I'm saying the voice of the WOKE movement wanted shame and culpability and punishments and everybody.
- [53:41]
A
And you get fired, you're not allowed to make a living anymore.
- [53:45]
B
Well, yeah, and it really backfired, and I think it created Trump. It created a wellspring of people that were angry. They voted against Kamala. They didn't vote for. I don't think. I think more people voted against her than voted for him.
- [54:02]
A
I think both sides represented. Yeah, I think that's fair. But you go on a zoom meeting and it says he, he, him.
- [54:09]
B
Yeah.
- [54:09]
A
Under your kids teacher's square. It's like. Yeah, I'm looking at you.
- [54:13]
B
Right. Right.
- [54:13]
A
And then somebody says they. No, that's plural, stupid. Yeah. I'm not going to change from singular.
- [54:21]
B
To so Jaymore does not like the they.
- [54:24]
A
It doesn't.
- [54:24]
B
It's not real.
- [54:25]
A
Yeah, it's the backlash going the other way. I was on a meeting. You're. I could tell you're in the other camp, maybe.
- [54:31]
B
No, I'm not.
- [54:31]
A
Oh, no.
- [54:33]
B
The they thing to me feels like. It feels like it's pushing something in your face rather than making an adjustment to Greg.
- [54:44]
A
They is plural.
- [54:45]
B
Yeah.
- [54:46]
A
Like, let's just go. Logic. I'm a they. That doesn't make sense. You come up with a different word.
- [54:53]
B
The Sklar brothers walk on stage and they go. We identify as they them.
- [54:56]
A
I love them. I hate their guts. I love them so much.
- [55:00]
B
I love them.
- [55:01]
A
They'll send me. You know when people send you memes and they suck?
- [55:04]
B
Yeah.
- [55:05]
A
They never miss.
- [55:05]
B
Yeah.
- [55:06]
A
They send me shit. I'm like, thank you.
- [55:09]
B
You guys are sports fanatics.
- [55:11]
A
No, it ain't sports. They'll just send me some coked out Mexican guy outside of a pool hole. Like if you guys are pool shooters.
- [55:16]
B
Oh, really?
- [55:16]
A
That guy J Rod? Yeah, he's great in this.
- [55:19]
B
Is it a text thread?
- [55:20]
A
No, it's just here and there.
- [55:23]
B
Oh, you're gonna start a text thread with all of us? Yeah. You don't want to.
- [55:27]
A
Why not?
- [55:28]
B
You do okay.
- [55:29]
A
Yeah. With you and them.
- [55:30]
B
Yeah. I'm very judicious about my. My posts. You have to be, because you got friend Mikey Fitz. I texted him.
- [55:36]
A
Don't get me started on that fucking guy.
- [55:38]
B
I said, mikey Fitz. I go, you gotta. I got. I go. I go. You. You're po. You're over posting. You're over posting because it's a pretty big text thread. There's about.
- [55:47]
A
Because guess what happens after that when they start over posting? You start getting songs.
- [55:52]
B
Yeah.
- [55:53]
A
Don't send me a fucking song. I'd be listening to it if I wanted. I got what I listen to. Don't send me. This is really great episode of this thing.
- [56:00]
B
And don't emoji a statement in a group text.
- [56:04]
A
I've done that. That's fine.
- [56:05]
B
It's usually ding on my phone, then all of a sudden, eight people heart and I got ding, ding, ding, ding. Like I just hit the fucking lottery.
- [56:12]
A
Life's hard for you.
- [56:14]
B
Oh, shut up. You were just complaining about they. Them.
- [56:17]
A
Yeah, that's a real thing.
- [56:19]
B
It's not a real thing.
- [56:20]
A
It is to me. Damn it.
- [56:21]
B
Life is about picking your.
- [56:23]
A
It's real. It's not my battle. But here's how I act. I'm on a meeting on the beach. Big circle, 200 people. I see a new guy, so I'm friendly to him. I go, hey, how you doing? He goes, this is. I don't know, it's Star. I go, hey, Star, good to see you. I'm just putting my chair down on the sand. And he goes, they have 60 days. And I go, okay. And I pick up my chair and I walk all the way over to the other side. It's nonsense. There's one person sitting there. You tell me they have 60 days, but who cares? I care because I. Because I'm going to get it wrong, and then you're going to hold me accountable for getting it wrong. Well, I can't even get my Asians right. Are you Japanese? Do I fucking look Japanese? Yes.
- [57:08]
B
Right, right. Although I have an uncanny. I play a game in the audience play called Guess the Asian.
- [57:13]
A
It's hard.
- [57:14]
B
Did it in my last special. No, it's not for me. Female Asians, I guess. With alarming accuracy.
- [57:20]
A
Well, that doesn't surprise me.
- [57:21]
B
85%.
- [57:22]
A
Well, that doesn't surprise me because we look at them a little more acutely than Asian men.
- [57:27]
B
Yes.
- [57:27]
A
Yeah.
- [57:28]
B
The men. I don't even.
- [57:30]
A
Koreans. Korean's always the wild card for me. That's the one. I go, Japanese. They go, Korean.
- [57:35]
B
Koreans have the biggest faces, the widest faces. Thai, tired, narrow faces, high cheekbones, wide nose, slightly bigger lips, wider nose.
- [57:48]
A
Okay. Look at your face.
- [57:54]
B
Hold on.
- [57:54]
A
That was like we were on Password. Okay. Croutons, carrots, lettuce.
- [58:03]
B
And the thing is, I can't answer it.
- [58:05]
A
Lettuce, croutons.
- [58:09]
B
Salad. Okay, here's the thing is I can't deconstruct it for you. I can't.
- [58:15]
A
You just did.
- [58:16]
B
No, but I only did that because that was what you were doing. But when I do it.
- [58:20]
A
That's what I was doing.
- [58:21]
B
When I do it on stage.
- [58:22]
A
Don't drag me here.
- [58:24]
B
It's from here.
- [58:24]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [58:25]
B
I look at an Asian woman, I guess Laotian, on the second guest last weekend in Atlanta. Yeah.
- [58:34]
A
Greg goes like this. Yeah. Japanese. What's your favorite?
- [58:42]
B
What's my favorite? Filipino.
- [58:44]
A
Yeah. They're the winners, right?
- [58:45]
B
Well, they're the largest breasted. And in the wild, I mean, a lot of the Chinese will get implants, but I mean, organically, largest breasted is the Filipina.
- [58:57]
A
Asian women with C cups. There's no answer for.
- [59:01]
B
Yeah, they could.
- [59:02]
A
They. They would have Green land already.
- [59:04]
B
Yeah.
- [59:05]
A
If they ran the country, we'd be like, yeah, leave her alone. I don't want her to stop coming to my gym. Did we talk about this already? On mine.
- [59:14]
B
Am I a fetish guy?
- [59:17]
A
What gets you nuts?
- [59:21]
B
What gets me nuts? Is there something she could say?
- [59:26]
A
Is there a role play?
- [59:27]
B
You, like, such a big fan of sex that I never felt like I needed to go to a higher level with the fetish. Like, I am just every time my wife. I had sex with my wife yesterday afternoon. And. And I just. Every time I just want to thank her at the end of it, I just want to go, that was so kind of you.
- [59:44]
A
I wind up thanking her.
- [59:46]
B
You do?
- [59:47]
A
I. Why can't I last longer?
- [59:49]
B
Yeah.
- [59:50]
A
Like, you would think as you got older, like, the senses would deaden. Yeah, it's bad.
- [59:57]
B
And then you do that. Stop. In the middle of it, you hit.
- [60:00]
A
Pause, and we got a lot to take out, you and I.
- [60:03]
B
Are you done? No, I'm not done. This is act three about to start.
- [60:06]
A
I don't get that. Three. It's bad. It's bad. Like, because also, I'm in love after all. Because I'm in love. Like, you don't really make love as a guy. It's always conquer, conquer. What can I get her to do? Well, you know, and then you meet the Barbie still in the box, and you're like, Oh, I think she's really into me. After two years of marriage, I think she really loves me, this lady. This is wonderful. Dawn Wells died.
- [60:33]
B
It's so funny that you just said that. I had that thought yesterday that. You know, it's crazy because we just had our 25th anniversary last year. I still feel like. Because when you're a teenager and someone likes you for the first time. Dude. The oxytocin that gets released into your young body, there's no. That's why kids fucking kill themselves after breakups when they're first love, you know? But I still feel a rush of that when I think about that. My wife still finds me attractive. Laughs at me. I get off the road, I unpack my bag. She sits on the bed while I unpack. And then I go watch football. She doesn't like football. Sits on the couch next to me for hours.
- [61:16]
A
And I'm on her phone just doing something else.
- [61:18]
B
Yeah.
- [61:19]
A
Parallel play.
- [61:19]
B
Yeah.
- [61:20]
A
Yeah. That's intimacy.
- [61:23]
B
Yeah.
- [61:23]
A
I tell guys all the time, if you look up the definition of intimacy, the word sex isn't in there. Like, that's real intimacy, coexisting, closeness to. You know. But is the flip side of that. Do you ever get that weird knot in your stomach? Like, is she mad at me?
- [61:38]
B
Like, what's.
- [61:40]
A
I wake up with that sometimes. No, that's why I stopped jacking off. I would feel the next morning like.
- [61:47]
B
I feel shame and guilt when I jack off.
- [61:50]
A
Not in the moment, but the next day I get a little performative. I put on a little like, hey, want me to butter you some toast?
- [61:57]
B
Yeah.
- [61:58]
A
Yeah. No, no porn. No. Cold.
- [62:00]
B
No. It's because you're Catholic.
- [62:01]
A
Catholics have that Presbyterian.
- [62:03]
B
Didn't you convert to Catholicism?
- [62:05]
A
Yeah, that's true, but I'm. I'm not practicing at all. Yeah, I love Catholicism.
- [62:10]
B
Hey, me too.
- [62:12]
A
Don Wells D. That guy meets her parents and he always wants to go to England.
- [62:21]
B
Yeah.
- [62:21]
A
And he goes, anyway, you'd like to go. And she goes, poland. And the parents go, oh, we didn't know that.
- [62:26]
B
Why?
- [62:27]
A
What's in Poland? And she goes, auschwitz. And he goes. He does a big face at her. He said, he's facing the camera.
- [62:35]
B
He goes, he turned into Jack Benny.
- [62:44]
A
So, you know, you don't ever have that thing of like, my wife's. Is my wife annoyed at me?
- [62:50]
B
My wife has a very interesting personality. She's the most non. She doesn't carry at all.
- [62:58]
A
Mine doesn't either. But you don't. So you don't get it. As the Answer.
- [63:01]
B
Yeah.
- [63:02]
A
Feeling like you're in trouble is big for me.
- [63:04]
B
Yeah.
- [63:04]
A
You don't get that.
- [63:05]
B
And especially like that with all your partners or just with her?
- [63:10]
A
Just with her. Because I was too busy playing hero.
- [63:14]
B
You know, like, you're performative before and now you're being real. So you're feeling it.
- [63:18]
A
Yeah, it's probably. Yeah. It's like, hero, victim, perpetrator, hero, Victor. Like, oh, I'm the best. I'm the best. I'm not getting the thanks I think I should get. Go yourself. I'm back.
- [63:28]
B
Yeah, right. That's exhausting, huh?
- [63:31]
A
I'm great. It's relationships.
- [63:34]
B
I'm.
- [63:34]
A
It's a lot like how I play chess. Great. Beginning in the middle, I kind of lose interest. A lot of shit gets past me.
- [63:41]
B
Yeah.
- [63:41]
A
And then it's a. Then I just lose.
- [63:43]
B
Then you flip the table.
- [63:46]
A
Yeah. Maybe I should have.
- [63:47]
B
Yeah. I got.
- [63:49]
A
I got no issues with the exes. We're good.
- [63:51]
B
Yeah.
- [63:51]
A
Yeah. I'm lucky.
- [63:53]
B
Yeah, you are. Well, you know, you're a standup guy. You take stock in yourself. You're very forthcoming about, you know, making your amends. And so I'm sure, you know, they. They respect that.
- [64:03]
A
Making amends is great. People are really afraid of it. Like, I can't. I gotta make them. I'll tell my guys. They make the list of who they need to make amends to. And I'm like, you know what's amazing? There was somebody on that. When I made my list. There was somebody. I got, like, a knot in my stomach. Do you. They're like, yeah, it's this guy. I go, yeah, that's. Who's gonna be first.
- [64:20]
B
Yeah. And they're like.
- [64:22]
A
But it's always when you. I told you. When I made amends to bury cats.
- [64:26]
B
Yeah, tell the story.
- [64:28]
A
I love it. I make amends to Barry. I go, look, I sullied your reputation. You had to bend over backwards to make excuses for me. I drained your time and your energy. But I just want you to know I don't live like that anymore. And if there's anything I left out, I hope you'll tell me. And mostly, I hope you'll let me know how I can make it up to you.
- [64:45]
B
And he goes, did you bring your checkbook?
- [64:48]
A
Did you bring a checkbook? And in my mind, you look like. Like a propaganda cartoon of a schnore. Like someone. Like, I was in Munich and I wanted to close this bakery. So I was outside with. Did you bring your checkbook? I felt like Borat. At the fucking bed and breakfast.
- [65:13]
B
Like, I'll tell you off the air, I have a similar story about making amends as somebody, and they did the same thing.
- [65:20]
A
And he's like, I'm just kidding.
- [65:21]
B
Well, I won't say the person's name, but I had bad mouthed this guy for long. You know, we all have like a nemesis coming up. Like, I think it's. I say to young comics, find a guy that you're competitive with and make him the enemy. And every time something happens, good for him, make it hurt you, and every time you defeat him, you celebrate. And then.
- [65:40]
A
Or at least, at the very least, it makes you step your game up.
- [65:44]
B
Yes. And I'm overstating it, but be competitive is my point.
- [65:47]
A
Yes.
- [65:48]
B
Competition brings out the best in you. And so this guy, I got like that with him. And then over the years, we became journeymen. We both been doing it for so long. I love him like a brother who is. I'll tell you after the show. Anyway, so I had badmouthed him, and then I made amends. I came to him and I said.
- [66:04]
A
I. Oh, you badmouthed him, though. Yeah, yeah. We have no shortage of talking shit back in the day. And I think you get.
- [66:09]
B
But wait, let me finish.
- [66:10]
A
Oh, sorry.
- [66:11]
B
So I said, and I apologize for having spoken badly about you. And he goes, he goes, thanks for saying that, man. He goes, will you get me on the Stern show? Swear to God.
- [66:30]
A
It's amazing.
- [66:31]
B
Yeah.
- [66:31]
A
I've learned, especially being with Jeie, there's a. There's a lot of this.
- [66:36]
B
Yeah.
- [66:36]
A
A lot of hands out. It's. It's. I've learned a lot.
- [66:41]
B
Yeah.
- [66:41]
A
You know, and that's her.
- [66:43]
B
Yeah.
- [66:44]
A
No matter how much, you know, no matter how much she goes like, no, it's ours. Like, yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I'll do the comedy magic club. And the check is $50. They make you get a check.
- [66:55]
B
Yeah.
- [66:56]
A
And I'll come home and I'll go put this on the pile. Married to a real man brings it home. Put that on the planet.
- [67:08]
B
Isn't that funny about our line of work, though, is like, you know, because I know you go out and you have weekends sometimes where you fucking kill it. You bring home a nice fatty and. And then you go like, oh. And then for three weeks, I'm making zero. Like, how many occupations do you just, in the middle of your career, make no money for a month? You know?
- [67:29]
A
Realtor.
- [67:30]
B
Yep.
- [67:31]
A
But realtor is a weird one because it's the only one you put a letter in the mail to every stranger in your neighborhood telling them like, I just got paid.
- [67:39]
B
Yeah, that's right.
- [67:41]
A
Here's your mailbox. Let you know my fucking commission this month.
- [67:44]
B
That's funny.
- [67:46]
A
Just let you know how I'm rolling.
- [67:47]
B
Yeah.
- [67:47]
A
Here's a picture of me standing next to a nondescript house holding a fucking.
- [67:51]
B
Corgi sold over my shoulder.
- [67:56]
A
You know my. You know, 3% of that.
- [67:58]
B
Yeah.
- [68:00]
A
Are you still in the same house when I came over?
- [68:02]
B
25 years.
- [68:03]
A
That's a nice little neighborhood. I drive by your street when I cut past. Near the Santa Monica airport.
- [68:09]
B
Yeah.
- [68:10]
A
Do you hear planes there?
- [68:11]
B
Oh, wait, no, no. We actually. I shouldn't say 25 years. We bought a house 25 years ago, we sublet it for three years, and we're getting work done, and then we moved back in. So you were. You saw the house that I was subletting? My house is in Venice. Oh, you'll see it. You'll see.
- [68:26]
A
The other one was what. What's that called? Westchester.
- [68:28]
B
Mar Vista.
- [68:28]
A
Mar Vista. I'm in Playa Vista.
- [68:30]
B
Yeah.
- [68:31]
A
The Biodome. It's not real. It's crazy.
- [68:35]
B
Yeah.
- [68:36]
A
It's so great.
- [68:37]
B
Yeah. I mean, I don't know what part. You'll tell me more.
- [68:39]
A
You come over when you do the podcast.
- [68:41]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [68:42]
A
You got questions for me? I've been hogging your time.
- [68:45]
B
Hogging my time. I can't tell you. You're one of my favorite podcast guests. That. I'm dead serious.
- [68:51]
A
Really? I love hearing that.
- [68:53]
B
You're fucking sharp. You're connected, you're honest, you're funny.
- [68:57]
A
Isn't it weird? Thank you. And it's so frustrating for a guy like you and me when you have somebody on and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, don't you know how this works?
- [69:06]
B
Yes and no question. Like, they answer you with yes and no answers.
- [69:09]
A
You wonder why you never did. Fucking panel.
- [69:12]
B
Yeah.
- [69:12]
A
In your life. Just do your act and make it seem like it's a fucking piece of conversation.
- [69:18]
B
It's an essay question.
- [69:19]
A
Yeah.
- [69:19]
B
It's not a true, false. It's an essay question. It's like having your son on the podcast.
- [69:24]
A
Can you say who the worst guest you've ever had was? I can say mine because I don't give a fuck.
- [69:30]
B
Yeah. I had this woman on. She was a daily say let.
- [69:33]
A
There you go. Dopey broads ruin everything.
- [69:39]
B
And she was. She kept trying to shoehorn political stuff in when that wasn't the vibe and it wasn't Funny at all. It was just pedantic. And. And I. Dantic. The only podcast I ever did not put out in 15 years. It's the only one I didn't put out. And I honestly. I'd say her name, but I can't remember it right.
- [70:04]
A
My. The lead singer of Wolf Mother, Andrew something. He's an Australian guy, but he is Wolf Mother. It's like he makes all the music and then he's got to hire a band to go out.
- [70:13]
B
Yeah.
- [70:15]
A
And every fucking question I asked, this guy's like, oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, questions. These are layups. I don't give a fuck who you are. What? Three. Give me three covers. You'd be thrilled to go on stage at the Roxy tonight. Just bang out. Oh, wow. Wow.
- [70:30]
B
Yeah.
- [70:31]
A
Like, you're like a. Like a. Like a space head pothead in Annie Hall. Oh, wow. Yeah.
- [70:37]
B
Yeah. Wait, I'm getting a call.
- [70:40]
A
Who we got?
- [70:42]
B
It's Walgreens.
- [70:44]
A
Your flax is ready.
- [70:46]
B
Not going to be sad this week.
- [70:49]
A
What are you on?
- [70:50]
B
I want a cocktail of things.
- [70:54]
A
I'm just a flex guy.
- [70:56]
B
How's the erectile dysfunction with that? I guess not a problem if you're popping early, buddy.
- [71:00]
A
It was an issue for when I was using. It was bad.
- [71:03]
B
Yeah.
- [71:05]
A
And now it's just. It's okay. But I still get nervous about it. Like, that's why I like appointment sex. Because I think about, like, if it's like, hey, you know, tomorrow at 7, we're doing it. And then the trick is, like, your instinct is just to immediately start checking. Yeah.
- [71:20]
B
You do get horny.
- [71:21]
A
Yeah.
- [71:22]
B
Sex. You start getting horny.
- [71:26]
A
And you just march closer to it.
- [71:29]
B
Oh, you've got a drummer up front.
- [71:30]
A
Yeah. It's like revolutionary. Where I got a flute, you realize how bad we were at war for how long that we. We sent a band out first.
- [71:42]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [71:45]
A
Everybody quiet.
- [71:48]
B
In bright red outfits in the snow. Yeah.
- [71:51]
A
Holding big flags above the marsh line.
- [71:55]
B
Yeah.
- [71:56]
A
In a straight line.
- [71:58]
B
And then. And then after all that, they would fight and it was very gentlemanly. There would be a surrender for the battle and they'd let you just go. They, you know, they didn't always take soldiers. They would just sort of disperse and.
- [72:11]
A
You'D stand there shaking your face.
- [72:13]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the best was like the battle of. I forget the. It was right outside of D.C. and it went on for so long that all the, like, genteel people would show up with them with parasols.
- [72:28]
A
They were. Yeah, they watched it, like, in lawn Chairs.
- [72:30]
B
Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah.
- [72:33]
A
The things this country used to war hangings.
- [72:37]
B
Yeah.
- [72:38]
A
Like somebody gets sentenced to death. Or like just black guy said hi to a white woman.
- [72:42]
B
Yeah.
- [72:42]
A
Let's go down to town square. They're gonna hang a black guy.
- [72:44]
B
All right.
- [72:45]
A
Oh, great. Bring the kids. Kids. Just having a picnic.
- [72:47]
B
Going back to the old wars, though, I thought since obviously.
- [72:51]
A
Antietam.
- [72:52]
B
Antietam.
- [72:53]
A
Antietam. Was that the war? Was that the battle now? Appomattox.
- [72:57]
B
No.
- [72:59]
A
Something else. If I had a third, it would have been fun.
- [73:04]
B
Is my solution because we're having another civil war? That's pretty obvious. I think it's. Is it next week or is it the week after? And when we have it? I think so. We don't lose 600,000 people this time. We do the war. But the only people allowed to fight are current Civil War reenactors in the gray uniforms, in the wool in July with scabies, single shot muskets.
- [73:26]
A
Rebel yell.
- [73:27]
B
Saturdays between noon and 3pm and the only times they fight.
- [73:30]
A
I like that. Yeah, That's a good idea.
- [73:32]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [73:33]
A
Everybody's armed. So it's like maybe. Maybe that will be the big detraction. The. What do you call that? When people won't do it because of, like, deterrent. Deterrent. Maybe that'll be a big deterrent because everybody. Because that's. People don't realize the second A Amendment is actually brilliant. We can't, as a country, ever be invaded. It will never work out. Because even if you completely demolish our military on the coasts, everybody in every home's armed.
- [74:02]
B
Yeah, it's.
- [74:02]
A
It's. You'll just get taken out.
- [74:05]
B
Right.
- [74:05]
A
And you don't know who or what from where.
- [74:07]
B
Especially if the enemy goes into schools. All right, so listen, Jay, normally I ask these questions at the end, but I like it. No, no, no.
- [74:16]
A
You have to, because I got a question out of your question. Who's my closest Asian friend? That was. Blew my mind.
- [74:21]
B
That was a good one.
- [74:21]
A
I still love an answer.
- [74:22]
B
Yeah.
- [74:23]
A
Unless you include Indians.
- [74:24]
B
Nope.
- [74:25]
A
Utkarsh.
- [74:28]
B
What TV role would you most have liked to have gotten or movie? I'll include movies.
- [74:34]
A
I could see myself as Hawkeye on mash. I'd be great. I'd kill that role.
- [74:39]
B
Well, he was Groucho.
- [74:41]
A
Yeah. Wisecracking surgeon with a heart of gold.
- [74:44]
B
There was Groucho, then there was Bugs Bunny, and then there was Hawkeye Pierce. Same guy.
- [74:48]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Or one that I actually auditioned for and didn't get because I'm.
- [74:53]
B
How about that? One.
- [74:54]
A
I mean, it's all of them. Like, people don't realize. Huh.
- [74:58]
B
Did you go out for Friends?
- [75:00]
A
No, no. TV was more like movies where I'm like. I just. I went out for Song Sung Blue. Best movie I saw this year, by the way. Kate Hudson better win the Oscar. And I read for, like, his. Like, his dentist slash manager. It's fucking old jewy Fisher Stevens. I'm like, why am I reading for this?
- [75:22]
B
Yeah. Yeah. Did you?
- [75:24]
A
It's a great movie. You and your wife would love it.
- [75:25]
B
Really?
- [75:26]
A
Yeah.
- [75:26]
B
So funny. I watched the Golden Globes this year, and I realized I didn't know any of the movies.
- [75:31]
A
Yeah, they all stink.
- [75:32]
B
Well, they. And there's no hype for them. They don't promote them anymore.
- [75:35]
A
The business is all. It's.
- [75:37]
B
You get. Yeah, it's over.
- [75:38]
A
So, like Robert Duvall, the business is over.
- [75:42]
B
Who's the worst opener that you ever had on the road?
- [75:48]
A
I won't say his name.
- [75:50]
B
Yeah, you have to say his name.
- [75:52]
A
He was bad. He was really bad. He was really like, I'm sweating like a virgin at a dildo factory. Like, why would a virgin sweat in a dildo factory? That doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any sense at all.
- [76:06]
B
She's still a virgin. She can use a dildo.
- [76:09]
A
But why she doesn't use them is the point.
- [76:12]
B
Yeah.
- [76:13]
A
And also a big fan of dressing a certain way and going, I know what you guys are thinking.
- [76:17]
B
Yeah, right, right, right.
- [76:19]
A
Like, what's the bouncer doing on stage? That wasn't one of his jokes, but something like that. Well, that was rich.
- [76:23]
B
Francesco, first question I asked you on this podcast. What do you think of this hat? I wore the hat. I chose to wear the hat.
- [76:32]
A
You always look good in the hat, though.
- [76:33]
B
Thank you. Yeah, but it was. It was a little bit of a, you know, last question, and then we need to go.
- [76:41]
A
You look like you should be walking a turtle. And get back to Winnie the Pooh and friends.
- [76:44]
B
There we go.
- [76:45]
A
Anyway, I mean, what do you want me to tell you? You look like Christopher Robin. I didn't know the dad from Family Guy was going to be doing a podcast. Greg. Too long. Maroon and blue. I don't know.
- [77:03]
B
Last one, because then I have to go do the Adam Carolla show right now.
- [77:06]
A
I'll be there. Come in. Right after you. We got our own little podcast on his sub stack. No, I make more money on his podcast than on my own podcast.
- [77:13]
B
No kidding. Yeah.
- [77:14]
A
Beat it out. We just bring half bits and fucking beat them.
- [77:16]
B
Up. Good for you. At least somebody's making money over there. I just did my hundredth appearance on that show. I'm the most frequent guest in the history.
- [77:26]
A
Just raid the fridge, take shit out.
- [77:28]
B
They go in socks.
- [77:29]
A
I know, I know. I go in the back. I always come home with books.
- [77:32]
B
Oh, that's good, because you don't read them. Yeah.
- [77:35]
A
I fucking love Ace. That guy's been serial. That guy's been good to me.
- [77:39]
B
No, he's. He's great. And I really feel like I don't know anybody more prolific. You bring up any topic, he's got a rant on it. That's good.
- [77:48]
A
Well, that's the thing with low mid German in the 14th centuries. When he starts tightening those eyes.
- [77:56]
B
Yeah.
- [77:57]
A
And I think I'm like, the only guy that tells him, oh, shut up. And he seems to tickle him.
- [78:03]
B
Well, he's also like. There's no doubt he's on the spectrum. When he closes the eyes as he's thinking, are you kidding me?
- [78:11]
A
He's. I don't know anybody. Literally, I don't know anybody with more content.
- [78:16]
B
It's.
- [78:16]
A
It's impossible.
- [78:17]
B
Yeah.
- [78:18]
A
It's a computer program. Right. Think about how long he's been doing it. And he's never run out of material.
- [78:23]
B
Right.
- [78:24]
A
And then you find about his family. They all have names like Olog and Uncle Ubu. He's raised by gypsies. They're all, like, Romanian immigrants or something. And like, his fucking dad wore glasses with no lenses in him.
- [78:35]
B
All right, last question.
- [78:37]
A
True.
- [78:37]
B
We got to go, because I'm supposed to be one. What time is it now?
- [78:40]
A
Yeah, you got to go right now.
- [78:43]
B
Last question. Have you been arrested?
- [78:46]
A
Yeah. DUI when I was 17.
- [78:48]
B
Oh.
- [78:49]
A
It was the night. It was the day before my 18th birthday. And I remember telling the cop, if you wait 90 minutes, you won't have to call my parents. Didn't work, lost my license.
- [79:00]
B
If you wait 90 minutes, then it's. Then it's an adult charge.
- [79:03]
A
Well, I was. I didn't say I was smart.
- [79:05]
B
Yeah.
- [79:05]
A
But more importantly, don't let my parents know. Yeah. Cedar Grove, New Jersey.
- [79:10]
B
But that's when a DUI wasn't a big deal, right?
- [79:13]
A
Yeah, I lost my license for six months. I took the bus to my restaurant job.
- [79:17]
B
Then he got it back.
- [79:18]
A
Yeah.
- [79:19]
B
Nowadays it costs you 50 grand in.
- [79:20]
A
Lawyers fees and jokes on them. I drive all the time now.
- [79:24]
B
Jay Moore's podcast is called More Stories that I'm. I've done. I've probably done it a Couple times, right?
- [79:30]
A
Two or three. Yeah.
- [79:31]
B
And now I got another one coming up. We talked about me coming back.
- [79:33]
A
Yeah. I'm gonna have Kyle reach out to you to book, because if I'm in charge of scheduling.
- [79:36]
B
Okay, good.
- [79:37]
A
Do you have a booker?
- [79:39]
B
No.
- [79:41]
A
It'S been a Godsense. Yeah, you can use mine whenever you want.
- [79:44]
B
I might take you up on that.
- [79:46]
A
Yeah. Why don't we do that? Like, well, if you do his, you do this one at the same day.
- [79:50]
B
Oh, I like that. Yeah.
- [79:51]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [79:52]
B
Okay.
- [79:52]
A
Like, if you do Edelman's, you should do Gronks.
- [79:54]
B
Yeah. Like, I got. Well, you just had Norton. Norton's coming out. I got him coming out in a couple weeks.
- [79:58]
A
He's. We made fun of Keith. Good for a half.
- [80:01]
B
I'll tell you off the air, who. Like, some of the great ones are, like, Richter. People like Andy Richter. Like you would know. You have no idea how he is.
- [80:09]
A
I did a movie with Andy. Yeah, your. Your podcast with Keith remains my single favorite episode.
- [80:15]
B
Keith Robinson.
- [80:15]
A
Oh. After a stroke, I was like. It was a. I was in the grocery store. I had to, like, lean on. Yeah, I don't get no credit for a stroke. God damn it. You were just him. Like. Like, where's. Where's my parade? Me and Norton just killed him.
- [80:32]
B
Oh, that's great.
- [80:33]
A
Stupid Keith.
- [80:34]
B
Yeah.
- [80:35]
A
He's not even that funny to have to put fucking railings in. That's what I said to Jimmy. He goes, we've all said it. I go, vin Edwards has a stroke, you build a ramp. Guy's fucking great. Keith stinks.
- [80:49]
B
He's not ramp worthy.
- [80:51]
A
No, no, they didn't do a ramp. They just did railings. They knew he wasn't ramp worthy.
- [80:56]
B
Jay Moore, I'm cutting you off right now because I have to do this for another hour, but we'll do it on your podcast soon.
- [81:01]
A
Yeah. I love you guys.
- [81:02]
B
Thanks for doing this. I love you, too.
- [81:03]
A
Bye, man.
- [81:21]
B
New Year, new me.
- [81:22]
A
Cute.
- [81:23]
B
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- [81:50]
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- [82:13]
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