Kevin Bridges - Episode 1113

Summary

Fitzdog Radio #1113: Kevin Bridges (October 22, 2025)

Overview

This lively and honest episode of Fitzdog Radio sees comedian Greg Fitzsimmons in a transatlantic hang with Scottish comedy superstar Kevin Bridges. As Kevin tours the US for the first time, the pair dive deep into stand-up, the quirks of the Scottish and American comedy circuits, cultural differences, politics, family, and the wildest gigs they've ever played. Punctuated by heartfelt stories and plenty of hard laughs, the episode is a candid exploration of the comic life, language, and surviving in and out of the spotlight.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Opening Catch-up & Vegas Stories

• Greg updates listeners on his recent state: battling depression, a twisted knee, and the peculiar kindness experienced using a cane or scooter (“Pity is amazing. People go out of their way to treat you nicer ‘cause they feel sad when they look at you.” [04:33]).
• Swapping depression stories for comedy observations, Fitz riffs on Vegas: the overwhelming faux culture, expensive tickets at The Sphere, and the rough variety of crowds.
• Vegas Comedy Crowds: Challenging to work with due to their varied backgrounds; a tense exchange over an abortion joke leads to reflections on audience dynamics and mockery of outrage.
  • “I said, it's quantifiably a funny joke, because the other 300 people just laughed." [06:06]

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Scottish Accents, TV, and Performing in the US

[16:23–20:15]

• Kevin discusses the transfixing effect his accent has on Americans: “It's got a similar effect on American brains. It's like Adderall. It really makes people pay attention.” [16:23]
• The relative rarity of Scottish accents on TV and the idiosyncrasies of US vs UK regional identity (“People don’t understand Wales here.” [18:19])
• Culture Clash: Greg shares about his experiences with UK hospitality; Kevin reflects on British guns vs US gun culture, reinforcing a running theme of national differences and misunderstandings.

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Guns, Rogan, and Range Stories

[20:15–24:39]

• Kevin laughs about UK comics being invited to shooting ranges in Texas and the surreal nature of American gun culture ("We just see guns as PlayStation games." [21:06]).
• Greg shares a wild story of going to a shooting range at 7am with Joe Rogan: “This guy comes out...cowboy hat...four women in lycra shorts and halter tops...they are insane.” [22:00]
• The contrast in approach to safety in the UK vs US (“12 minutes is not enough” for an AK-47 safety briefing. [24:23])

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Comedy Trajectories, Scottish Independence, Brexit

[26:05–28:11]

• Kevin unpacks the emotional and political complexity around Scotland’s independence referendum: “In 2014...55% of the country voted no...The question was, should Scotland be an independent country? I voted yes.” [26:31]
• Brexit’s admin headaches ended up dampening Scottish enthusiasm for another bid at independence—“Who can be bothered, right, having to go through all this?” [28:07]

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Comedy After Covid; Touring the US

[30:00–32:31]

• Both reflect on the comedy boom post-Covid, with audiences more enthusiastic than ever to be back in clubs and theaters.
• Kevin discusses playing much smaller rooms in the US than in the UK, allowing for experimentation and looser, more topical sets. “It gives you that bit of leeway to mess with the show and keep it topical...I’m probably going home with an extra 20 minutes based on America, based on the shit that’s going on.” [31:54]

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Accents: Challenge and Advantage

[32:28–33:55]

• Kevin speaks candidly about his worries breaking into the US due to his accent; had similar experience even in England and would “fake an English accent on the phone” to get booked ("I used to phone them and just do an English accent...Then I would rock up and do the set." [33:08])
• He consciously adapts his style and clarity depending on the audience but is careful not to alienate Scottish fans: “When people start understanding you outside Scotland, people in Scotland are done with you.” [33:44]

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Selling Out Arenas, Burnout, and Taking Time Off

[34:06–36:54]

• Kevin talks about his decision to take two years off at his peak: “I stopped enjoying stand up...my dad said, ‘Why don’t you just stop?’...I bought my mom and dad’s house, a speedboat, and a box at Celtic Park. That was it. I cashed in my chips.” [35:44]
• Taking time off and living in Spain led to a creative revival and renewed his love for live performance.

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Arena Comedy Dynamics & Imposter Syndrome

[37:18–38:49]

• They discuss the psychology of arena shows: “The imposter syndrome is overwhelming at times, but you go, they don’t see themselves as 12,000 people. Just individual people want to hear what you’ve got to say.” [37:23]
• Greg shares his own arena “learning curve”: you don’t need to be more animated—let the screens do the work.

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Stories: Oasis, Family, Stand-Up Origins

[39:10–47:14]

• Kevin’s fandom for Oasis and Noel Gallagher, whom he met backstage: “Probably my son being born and Noel Gallagher dedicating a song [to me].” [41:44]
• Deep dive into Irish, Scottish, and UK familial connections—Kevin and Greg both discuss their Irish roots.
• Kevin shares how his dad accompanied him to his first stand-up gig as a 17-year-old: “Comedy was always me and his thing...he would be delighted that I eventually came to the States.” [57:24]

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Saudi Arabia Gig, Middle East Tour Offers

[49:28–53:39]

• Kevin describes being offered (but declining) recent gigs in Saudi Arabia—“They actually pay you the money. It's not a private company, it's the government. That’s the difference.” [49:50]
• Recalls a harrowing early-career set in Saudi for £200, including nearly getting detained at the airport for acne pills mistaken as drugs (“Drug trafficking is punishable by death. So I'm going to get my head chopped off. Never been so grateful to have a spotty face.” [53:08])

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Fastballs with Fitz: Comedy War Stories

[62:10–83:36]

• Bizarre openers: “There’s a guy...used to bring a plank of wood, like a two-by-four and set up fruit and veg and start smashing.” [63:07]
• Fistfight tales: performing in prisons, being threatened (“A guy actually stood up during the set...‘Back to my cell’. He was hating it that much. He went back to his cell.” [67:46]); the perils of Scottish hecklers (“I'm gonna kick your cunt in”—explaining the Scottish liberal use of “cunt” and differences in how aggression plays between US/UK crowds [68:53])
• On hacking his early material: “Because I started at 17, the whole set was fairly hack...every comic in Glasgow starts off just talking about how rough Glasgow is.” [81:48]
• How rhyme slang works, colloquialisms, and challenges of being understood as a Scot in America—Kevin even uses an American accent to order things in hotels for ease. (“‘Hey, can I get an iron and an ironing board?’ And they go okay sir, we're just gonna send that right up. It's just—life is so much easier. I'd fucking love to be American.” [76:29])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Accents:
  "It's got a similar effect on American brains. It's like Adderall. It really makes people pay attention."
  — Kevin Bridges [16:23]

• On being pitied with a cane:
  "Pity's amazing. People go out of their way to treat you nicer ‘cause they feel sad when they look at you."
  — Greg Fitzsimmons [04:33]

• On post-Covid comedy:
  "People, when you almost—you realize you almost lost something, people get a hunger for it."
  — Kevin Bridges [30:40]

• On arenas vs. clubs:
  "The imposter syndrome is overwhelming at times...they don’t see themselves as a crowd of 12,000 people—they’re just individual people."
  — Kevin Bridges [37:23]

• On Scottish independence & Brexit:
  "...The question was, should Scotland be an independent country? I voted yes. Yes, obviously...But as soon as we voted to stay in, the UK votes to leave the European Union."
  — Kevin Bridges [26:35 & 27:46]

• Family & comedy legacy:
  "Comedy was always me and his thing. So to come to the States, he would be delighted that I eventually went for it and came over here."
  — Kevin Bridges [57:24]

• On breaking into America:
  "I was like, I don't genuinely know if they're gonna understand me...I used to actually phone them and just do an English accent...They booked me in, then I would rock up and do the set."
  — Kevin Bridges [33:08]

• On hacky material:
  "The whole set was fairly hack...all about how rough Glasgow is."
  — Kevin Bridges [81:53]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:09–08:40] — Greg's Vegas stories, depression, being noticed with a cane
• [16:23–20:15] — Scottish accent effect, TV, and accents worldwide
• [20:15–24:39] — US gun culture, Joe Rogan gun range story
• [26:05–28:11] — Scottish independence, Brexit, political fallout
• [30:00–31:54] — Comedy boom post-COVID, differences between US-UK touring
• [34:06–36:54] — Kevin’s burnout & two-year break
• [39:10–41:51] — Oasis at Croke Park, Noel Gallagher story
• [49:28–53:39] — Gigging in Saudi Arabia, near-miss with authorities
• [62:10–63:38] — Wildest opening acts, prop comics, physical messes at gigs
• [67:21–70:46] — Performing in prison, real danger with Scottish hecklers
• [76:18–78:21] — Adapting accent in America, Scottish-American slang confusions
• [81:48–83:36] — Hacky bits, early material, and classic Glasgow-Edinburgh rivalry

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Conclusion

Kevin Bridges’ first US tour adds fresh observations to his razor-sharp comic sensibility. This episode is both a celebration of cross-cultural comedy and a touching meditation on family, ambition, and the relentless need to connect—often against the odds of dialect, distance, and the absurdities of life.

Greg Fitzsimmons: “You show up. I’m a comedian. You’re a comedian. But we go deep.”
Kevin Bridges: "Thank you, brother. A pleasure to meet you, Greg. Big fan as well." [85:13]

Transcript

[A]

Foreign.

[B]

Hi, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. My apologies for my absence. I did not do a show last week. I think I missed two weeks. In the last month, it's been a little bit crazy. I've been a little bit off the game. Vegas, all last week. I can't. Here it is. I got seven days and seven nights in a hotel room. Nice hotel room. It's a suite. It's got a lot of space. It's on a 23rd floor. Good view. Immediately sink into a depression and can't get anything done. So. And I have all this time. Did I read? No. Did I binge watch tv, even? No. I don't know what I did. It just goes by the. Luckily, the wife came out and saved me this weekend. She came out for the weekend. But, man. And no disrespect to the club. Brad Garrett's is an amazing club. MGM is a great casino, but Vegas is not my favorite town. It's just not. It just. It's overwhelming in a bad way. Like New York is overwhelming in a good, good way. It's filled with interesting people doing interesting things. Vegas is. It's got New York, New York. It's got semblances of places that. It's got Paris. It's. It's impressions of places that are interesting, but it's not an actually interesting place at all. And we did go see the wizard of Oz, which was fun. Actually, more than fun. It better be. It was. You ready for this? For two tickets to a movie that's an hour and 15 minutes long. A movie made in 1939. To see it at the Sphere. Two tickets, $360. Okay. With a $40 ticketing fee on each ticket. So really, people go, is it worth it? I don't know. Do you have hundreds that it wouldn't bother you to lose? Probably. If you're in Vegas, that becomes. The mindset out there is, well, I'm just gonna gamble it away anyway, so why not go see a movie I've seen 38 times? But it is incredible. It's like people know what the sphere is. I don't have to explain what this fear is, but, you know, the tornado comes and there's wind blowing, like, hard, and leaves flying through the air, and it's. It's pretty magnificent. Um, the seat rumbles. Uh, it. It's amazing. Um, and It's. It's like 18,000 seats. And they're doing this movie seven or eight times a week. I think you can lower the price a little bit. Yeah, it's a movie. There's no musicians, there's no actors, there's no microphones to check. There's nothing to do except hit play. That's not. That should be $180 pop. Anyway, that wasn't the point. We loved it. You don't need to take mushrooms. I think it would help, but you don't need to. And. Yeah, but otherwise. Yeah. And the other thing, I guess it was hard is I twisted my knee last week. So I've been on a cane and then I got one of those little push scooters that you put your knee on top of and then push like a skateboard. I got one of those and I drove it out to Las Vegas, which is so embarrassing. You just. It adds 10 years. A cane or one of those adds 10 years. But the thing I found was that people don't normally look at me. I'm a 59 year old, not unattractive, but not attractive looking guys. I'm white. People don't smile at me. I don't get noticed. Nobody clocks Greg Fitzsimmons walking down the street. I get recognized sometimes, but the people that have no idea who I am don't give a shit. But when you're on a little scooter or a cane, people smile at you. They hold doors for you. They are generous and there's something in their eyes that's. And I just realized like I need to be more vulnerable with people. I need to show people like I have depression. I gotta, I gotta just show people that I have depression. Maybe I'll wear a Cure T shirt. The Cure or the Smiths or something like that, I don't know. But I want people to notice me and pity me. People go, oh, don't pity me. No, fucking pity me. Pity's amazing. People go out of their way to treat you nicer cuz they feel sad when they look at you.

[A]

Good.

[B]

I love it. I don't know the guy that you look at and you go, oh, he's got it all together. He doesn't need anything. So I won't give him anything because he, he wants for nothing. I do want, I want a smile. I want a little wave. Some people would wave just because I was on a scooter or I had a cane. It was, it was fucking great. Look, don't get me. And not to mention I didn't even get. I'm not even getting into the handicapped placard for the parking. That's a whole other level. So look, you know, a lot of people Want to come on and talk about how hard it is for handicap people, But I'm here to tell you I've been one for nine days. It's fucking great. Letters can be sent to fitzdogradiomail.com. the casino is also. Every night is Saturday night. I was there Monday to Monday. And, you know, on a Tuesday night, you get women going out, big hair, sparkles on their faces, high heels. And then you see them five hours later, no heels. Shoes are in the hand. That means they're out. They're out of the game. They're still on the playing field, but they're not in the game anymore. And you can't hit on them. They're out. There was a lot of shoes in the hand on a Tuesday night. Yeah, there was a lot of people in the crowd. Vegas crowds are rough because they're not from Vegas. They're from all. You got a guy from Mobile, Alabama, and you got a guy from Brooklyn, and you got a guy from Vermont, and you got a guy from fucking Montana. Like, there's no. There's no, like, common ground to kind of hit as a comic. You don't really know what you're getting. And so, like, I did this abortion joke, and this lady got all upset. It was a funny joke. And, you know, she goes, that's not funny. And I go. And everybody had laughed. So I go, no, it is. It's a funny joke. I said, it's quantifiably a funny joke. Because the other 300 people in the room just laughed. And you're the one with her arms crossed, shaking her head. So you know what? It is funny. She's like, no, it's not. I go, yep, it. And we just went back and forth. Don't tell me I can't do a joke about a topic because you have some issue because you're a Christian or may. Maybe your daughter just had one. I don't give a shit. Good. You'll be a grandparent later. Maybe she wasn't ready to make you a grandparent yet. Back off. We. There was a big march in Vegas. There was the no Kings. Well, it was everywhere. I guess it was like, in. I think every single state had a no Kings march. And it was all peaceful. I mean, I'm sure there'll be some spin that it was a violent mob creating chaos and we need the National Guard. But the truth is, it was, from what I could tell, entirely peaceful. And there was 8 million people or something, So I don't know how that affects the president of the United States. Does that impact him in any way? I don't know. But, you know, these ICE agents are. They're out there, the protesters are dressed as bananas. See a banana guy. I saw a guy in Portland dressed as a banana get maced by an ICE agent. First of all, who the fuck are you? ICE agent. What, did you play varsity football 12 years ago, and now you're a bouncer? You were a proud boy. That's what they are, the ICE agents.

[A]

Just.

[B]

They're just proud boys. If you're so proud, why are you wearing a fucking mask? Take your mask off. Be proud. Oh, well, somebody will recognize us. Well, what do you think judges do you know, what do you think fucking politicians do when they stand up for something? They show their goddamn face. Even the guy with the banana, his face is sticking out of it. So you can mace him. He's more of a man than you. Yeah, and we're. We're just shooting missiles at fucking fishing boats in Venezuela? Like, no, no, no. Getting on board, finding out who they are, searching for evidence, just aerial drone strikes, destroying fucking. Who knows if they're innocent? You don't know. That's not the way we are as Americans. And. And Trump goes, well, we just saved 150,000 lives by shooting out those six boats. First of all, I looked it up. Last year, 75,000 people died of drug overdoses in the U.S. so how did he just save 150,000 lives? Did 75,000 more people become drug users in the last year? I don't know. Anyway, I don't want to get into politics, but let's just. Let's just say this. Things are crazy right now and you need to pay attention. My son is in New York. I'm very proud of him. He moved apartments and he got a couch, and him and his buddy. I feel it's on my Instagram account. They moved a couch on the L train in Manhattan. They took a couch down two flights of stairs on a subway and then drove it for about a half hour out to Brooklyn, which just made me think about Jesus Christ. That was me at that age. And I'm so proud of him. That's such a baller move, you know? I think he's going to be all right. I think this. I think both my kids are going to be all right. You worry about them, but you gotta let him go. Gotta let him figure it out. And that was a sign that I can let him figure it out. He will get by and do well. Right? Anyway, went to the doctor today and I realized I've been going to the same doctor here in LA for 22 years. He's an amazing doctor. He grabbed my balls and I'm fine with that. He's been doing for 22 years. We make jokes about it and he's. I had him check me for testosterone levels. I'm gonna find out on Thursday if my. I feel like my levels are low. I've been tired a lot. So he's gonna check on that and we'll find out. Maybe go on those shots. Who knows, Maybe I'll get, get some energy going for Christmas this year. Speaking of which, I love Christmas shopping, but I like it when I do it in advance. I don't like when I get behind the eight ball and I'm scrambling. You end up buying something that you don't even care about for the person you know. And if you do it, if you do it in advance, you can actually reflect who they are. Uncommon Goods is this website that I proud to have as a sponsor right now. They have independently a lot of their stuff is like handcrafted, independently owned businesses. 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Support Best Buddies, a charity that's dear to my heart. That's October 26th. Then I'll be at the Den Theater in Chicago November 8th, Appleton, Wisconsin, at Skyline, November 9th, Lafayette, Louisiana, November 12th. Then I'll be at Skankfest in New Orleans. Then Phoenix November 28th through the 30th at the Desert Ridge Improv, San Francisco, Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, Cleveland, Atlanta, all coming up. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out and say hi. All right. My guest today, man, I've been a fan of this guy's for a while. I was so psyched to get him on the show. He happens to be in the US Doing his first US Tour. He's one of the biggest comedians in decades out of the UK. He sells out 12,000 seat arenas all over. And if you can get a chance to see him. We announced the tour dates later, but he's really terrific. We had such a great hang today. Here's my talk with Scotland's own Kevin Bridges. My guest today is Kevin Bridges. He's a fine lad from the Glasgow County. He is, you know, in this country, starting to make a name for himself. But obviously over in Scotland here, move a little closer. Over in Scotland and the uk, he is one of the biggest comics in a generation. And so it's an honor to have you here. And I did not bring a translator.

[A]

But I'm finding that my accent, it's got a similar effect on American brains. It's like Adderall. It really makes people pay attention.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The focus on people's faces. When I start speaking in this country.

[B]

I have to stop a second. The hard drives have it. I'm sorry, let me just stop. Oh, okay. Yeah.

[A]

Everybody. Everybody's Mentioned the. The actual. Wait. If you're. What you record. But.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

People are really. They're really nice.

[B]

So I started to be the only guy we'd be at parties, and I had to translate. Like, people didn't understand what the fuck the guy was saying. I think it's. I think it's time. Tougher accent than Scottish, the Belfast one. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Similar. It is quite. See, I think when you've got an accent, you don't really struggle with any other accent. So you're kind of used to being. There's empathy there. You're kind of used to, like, the whole world does not sound like me. Whereas, like, American and English, there's a lot of. So in Scotland, we get American and English television. So we're so used to the accents.

[B]

Right, right, right.

[A]

There's hardly any Scottish accents on tv.

[B]

Although we get more of it. It feels like there's been a lot of Scottish TV and movies in the last few years that have gotten big over here. You know, a lot of cop dramas, procedurals. My wife is really into them.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, Tommy Flanagan, he's in the Departed. That's probably the highest profile I've heard. A Glasgow accent in Hollywood. Kind of his.

[B]

Right.

[A]

His bits and that James McAvoy. But James McAvoy saw, he's. I think he's only from two miles away from where I grew up, but he really. He's nailed it. He can speak really calm and softens it.

[B]

Well, it's Sean Connery. I mean, we understood him.

[A]

I mean, is that even a Scottish. I don't know what the fuck he done to his accent. That was very.

[B]

He softened it a lot.

[A]

I don't know what he done.

[B]

And Tom Jones, he's Welsh. Oh, is he Welsh? Oh, okay.

[A]

People don't understand Wales here.

[B]

No.

[A]

It really blows American minds, the idea.

[B]

Of Wales, that it's a country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went there once. I went to Lawrence, and I was. I was taking a train from London, actually, to Northern Ireland. There's a train. There's a. There's a boat that goes.

[A]

I was gonna say the train would be.

[B]

I took the train from London out to, I guess. What's the port that you would go to in Belfast?

[A]

Southampton would be, maybe.

[B]

Yeah. And then. And we met this couple on the train, and they were like, you know, couldn't understand a word they said, but we understood that. They said, you want to come stay at our house? They had kids. It was me, my buddy, and they had a son. Our Age was traveling in the States, and so they just felt. They felt like they should return the favor because people have been putting them up.

[A]

So.

[B]

So we spent, like, three days in this little town outside of Lawrence. You know, Lawrence.

[A]

Is that South Wales?

[B]

It's kind of central. Yeah.

[A]

So South Wales has got the proper distinctive accent in the valleys and stuff like that.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

And then Wrexham is kind of. What's his name again? Ryan Reynolds.

[B]

Oh. Oh, is that right?

[A]

So they have kind of put Wales on the map. Cause Wrexham's a Welsh football team. But that's north. At Skinner, they don't really sound the way proper Welsh accent would sound.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So it sounds as if you met somebody through the valleys, because they're very friendly people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

They were great. The town was like a little valleys and streams, and there was, like, kids running around with shotguns going. Going hunting in the woods.

[A]

Right. That does not sound like Wales.

[B]

But, yeah.

[A]

I never knew there was firearms licenses.

[B]

You can't have a rifle out in the country, probably.

[A]

I would say that farmers.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's very strict. But I would say you probably could maybe an L rifle. I don't know if it'd be a fool.

[B]

Maybe that's what it was.

[A]

I don't know if Americans would call it a gun, but, yeah, a gun by your standards.

[B]

Right, right. That's one thing you got to do while you're in the States. You got to go to a shooting range.

[A]

See, somebody suggested that. So we were in Austin, Texas, and somebody said, do you want to go and fire a gun? And I was like, well, no. It's just. I don't think I would like that atmosphere. I just. And I can find room. And also, I'd be going, like, what if one of these guys just goes mental here and just starts spraying the place?

[B]

So I know I passed.

[A]

And then we met a Scottish guy. After the show, he came over to speak to me, and he was showing me a video he had, went to the gun range, and they said to him, what kind of gun do you want to fire? And he said, a Desert Eagle, because that's the one he uses. And I think it was Call of Duty. Basically, we just see guns as PlayStation games. So he picked that. And then he was showing me the video, and it was like the recoil or whatever. He never gripped it enough. And then it files. He literally showed me a video, him nearly blowing his own fucking head off. I think he underestimated this as an actual gun. Rather than just. We just see them as Toys. It's so not in our culture.

[B]

No, there's something romantic about watching it on film. It's all very like guys going like this when they shoot and all that. But the truth is, to shoot a gun properly, it's a real discipline. Like you really have to have your hand a certain way underneath and you gotta breathe through it. And you know, I went once with Joe Rogan. Cause Rogan was my roommate starting out in Boston, right? And so we came out here and he's like, you wanna shoot guns?

[A]

And I was like, that's such a Joe Rogan story. I've never met the guy, but I would imagine that's.

[B]

And we were out at a party at 2 in the morning. He's like, we're going 7am tomorrow. Tomorrow we're going to the gun range. And so I was like, all right. So we. He picks me up, we drive up and we're driving way the. Out in the valley where it's deserty, you know, there's like horses and it's dry and we're driving down this small road and then we get to a driveway and we drive like another mile, like serpentining down this road and you can start to hear the pops. And then we get to this ranch and this guy comes out and he's like an old time, old timey, you know, like got the cowboy hat and. And he brings us inside and all sudden there's four women with short, short lycra shorts and halter tops. Big tits and they're Ukrainian and they run the range. So now they've got these figures set up that they paint every time before you shoot.

[A]

So it's like a gun can of Elshin or Hooters. Yeah.

[B]

And so they. And they are master marksmen. They are insane. And they're showing us how to roll and jump up. And then they'd shoot three targets and they do like competitions. Fucking hell.

[A]

And I was like, this is a seven in the morning. This is just a. So when you go to a gun, would you be allowed if you were quite advanced, I'd imagine Joe Rogan's handy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, they gave me the roll shit.

[B]

And I actually didn't do bad. They gave me this gun. It was an AK47 but with a shotgun stock on it. So you could shoot a shotgun, but you could do normally you gotta like, you know, reload.

[A]

And whisking through your head when you're firing it, are you kind of. I was making up monologues of what's going on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Movie narrative going through your brain.

[B]

Yeah. A lot of them were club owners, former club owners that. I hadn't seen a few.

[A]

It's the same like when I'm on the punch bag in the gym. You still get that kind of thinking of something that's annoyed you during the week. But, I mean, that's kind of heavy force if You've got an AK47. Yeah. Who I would be picturing.

[B]

The kickback was definitely big on my mind because it was powerful. Could you hop on?

[A]

Could that happen in the future?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Has that ever happened? Somebody's fucked themselves up.

[B]

Oh, yeah. For sure. Yeah.

[A]

And fatally. Has anybody ever died in a. Oh, fuck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Seriously, I need to look at it.

[B]

At a gun range. Oh, yeah.

[A]

You know, how long would you get a safety demonstration?

[B]

I would have preferred a lot longer than what they gave.

[A]

I was gonna say. So when you walk in the gun range, how long until you're.

[B]

It was like maybe 12 minutes. 12 minutes is not enough.

[A]

We hired jet skis in Canada and it took a fucking hour before the guy even let us start up the engine on the jet ski.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

In case somebody gets wet. But 12 minutes for an AK47 and you can stop, drop and roll and.

[B]

Well, are we rolling, by the way?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Sorry. I told you. Oh, no, I thought. Didn't you thought we were waiting.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Oh, good. Oh, well, that was good. Well, thank you for coming.

[A]

I talked about whales.

[B]

It was really great having you.

[A]

If that's the start of the podcast and it's just us talking about Wales, they're gonna be like, I don't know if Greg knows this guy. He's Scottish. I think Greg's well off with the accent here. He spoke about Belfast and Wales.

[B]

So did we get the intro? You got the intro. The heart and it all may be there. The heart rate was just acting up. Okay. It may all be there anyway. All right, well, I'll do another intro just in case.

[A]

You started off talking about the accent.

[B]

Yeah. Kevin Bridges is my guest. He's got an accent. We don't have a transl, but we do have a man, me, who lived with a guy from Belfast, which is just across the pond from you.

[A]

Close enough.

[B]

It is close enough. There's a little bit of a similarity with the Belfast accent.

[A]

They've got a slightly more hostile edge.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Sit down.

[B]

Yours or theirs?

[A]

Bales. Oh, yeah, yeah, they can.

[B]

Well, yeah, they've been fighting for a long. They've been occupied for 700 years.

[A]

There's a lot of PTSD. Yes, as well.

[B]

But Jesus. Now, what about Scotland, though? Like. Like, how do you guys feel about your occupation from the British?

[A]

Well, we voted to keep it. So I heard that 2014. And that's a hard one to explain to Americans who grew up watching Braveheart.

[B]

And you guys voted against your own independence. Right. You're naked against them. Right.

[A]

It's a really difficult one to comprehend for Americans. But 2014, we had the referendum.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was it 55% of the country voted no.

[B]

Which way did you vote?

[A]

Voted yes.

[B]

To stay with them or to separate.

[A]

The question was, should Scotland be an independent country? I voted yes. Yes, obviously. I mean, you're going to vote yes, but it's a divisive issue and there's always talk about there'll be another referendum. And they said it was a once in a generation thing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But.

[B]

So if Ireland has been fighting for. Northern Ireland has been fighting forever to.

[A]

Well, this is the thing with Brexit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is blowing the whole thing wide open because then there's going to be the hard border between. Because the Republic of Ireland is still the European Union.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then Northern Ireland.

[B]

So they get all the benefits of being able to travel and work in Europe.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

And Northern Ireland's got to have a border.

[A]

But then if they enforce the hard border, then there's. There's going to be mayhem.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's. How. I don't really know.

[B]

Yeah. It seems like this could be the solution. It's like for so many years they've tried so many different solutions. And this. It's always economic. The things that, you know, it's like.

[A]

The thing with the Scottish referendum is people who wanted Scotland to remain as part of the United Kingdom.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They were saying if Scotland leaves the uk, they will not be readmitted into the European Union.

[B]

That was.

[A]

And then as soon as Scotland voted to remain part of the uk, the UK votes to leave the European Union.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So it was a bit like, what a mess. And I think with Brexit being so confusion, confusing and boring and just going on and on and on for a bit, I think that's really dampened people's spirits for Scottish independence. Just. Just on an admin scale.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, who can be bothered, right. Having to go through all this.

[B]

Well, that's what it is. I mean, with. With most politics, they gotta boil things down to a 60 second ad during a football game that you're watching. You know, people scroll through their phone, they look at a Headline. They're not really looking into the issues. So what do you make of our politics? Like, if you're here, you're here in the States doing a tour. Now, I don't wanna get deep into your opinions, but like, how do you sort of wrap your head around how to even. Cause you are a political comedian.

[A]

Within reason. I would address what's going on at the top of the show.

[B]

So do you feel like you need to do that here?

[A]

100%. There's so many elephants in the room in this country. It's like, so I'm in Portland the other night and there's people in inflatable animal costumes. A fucking frog get tasered. So how can you not mention that on stage a panda get pepper sprayed like, get back, you bamboo eating motherfucker, get back. So obviously, obviously you need to come on and mention that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But I'm also conscious, to us, that is insane. But this is people's reality. I think when people check in to a comedy show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They need to just go locked into how this guy sees us.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So you don't want to, like, I.

[B]

Think you almost have more leniency to speak your mind. Because they do. That's exactly it. They want to hear your opinion. They don't want to hear my opinion. I'm from la. They know my opinion.

[A]

And there's too many opinions. Yes, the world needs less opinions, but.

[B]

Yours is a giant step back, which is kind of refreshing.

[A]

I'm sure you see her holding up a mural from the outside. Right. So I said that on stage. Like I've done stand up for over 20 years and this is the first time that I've toured the States.

[B]

No kidding.

[A]

And I just felt like the time was right. But the country seems fairly chill at the minute.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Of all the times in my career, two decades, I had to come here and I think I've packed like, oh my God.

[B]

It is an interesting time though. I mean, since COVID there has been a comedy boom in this country. I don't know if they had it in the uk, but like people were cooped up and when they were let back out again, they came out with a vengeance. And they came out to laugh hard.

[A]

Too, and live music as well as gigs. I think there's such a backlog and loads of people. I remember at the time, right in the middle of COVID you did genuinely start thinking, I don't know if live comedy will ever come back. You remember that time, you're like, this is the kind of you need to.

[B]

Rethink hacking people together where they're expelling laughter into the air.

[A]

This is dangerous. This is a massacre if this happens again. So I think people, when you almost. You realize you almost lost something, people get a hunger for it. And then a lot of people were making TikToks.

[B]

No, it's like when my wife's on her period, you know, like, you think that I'll never get laid again. And then when you do again, you really go at her, you know, you really. It gets aggressive.

[A]

What an analogy. What an unnecessary.

[B]

Well, unnecessary because she's 59, so she hasn't had period in about a decade. So it's a completely irrelevant joke.

[A]

No, I've enjoyed performing because it's so fertile for comedy as well.

[B]

Stuff like that.

[A]

Yeah. I thought I would come over with a brand new show, so I came over with like 70 minutes, and then I'm just gonna. The venues I'm playing here, I don't mean they're small, but smaller than the venues I would play in the UK.

[B]

Now you play 10,000 seaters in the UK and you're paying like, what, thousand seaters a year?

[A]

Yes. And then a thousand. Some of them are like 6, 700, some of them are 2000, but the average would be probably a thousand. But it gives you that tiny bit of leeway to mess with the show and you can add tags and keep it topical and stuff like that. So I'm probably going home an extra 20 minutes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Based on America, based on the shit that's going on.

[B]

So how do you find, like, it is interesting because some of the comics that are, you know, Jimmy Carr and guys that, you know, like you, that are so respected and so funny and, like, accessible, Like, I really don't like, you know, I watched a couple of your specials. Like, there's nothing that I watch that I can't figure out, you know. But yet breaking into the US market is really tough for UK comics. I mean, in terms of getting to the level that you're at over there.

[A]

With me, with it. What always put me off coming was the accent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I was like, I don't genuinely know if they're gonna understand me. And I used to. I started in Glasgow, done open mics for about a year, and then I went to London and I had the same thing in England. They sort of struggled a bit with the Glasgow accent as well. I used to have to phone clubs to book gigs when you're just chasing open mic nights. And the promoters would be like, I don't understand your accent on the phone, mate. What chance have the audience got? So I used to actually phone them and just do an English accent on the phone, like, hi, I see you've got a comedy night on Wednesday. I would like to do a 10 minute set, if that's possible. And they go, oh sure, yeah, I'll book you in. Then I would rock up and do the set.

[B]

So do you adjust it here at all? Do you try to take the edge.

[A]

As I'm speaking to you? I'm conscious of speaking a bit clearer.

[B]

And slower, but your last special I watched, I found your accent to be less than what I'd seen in an older one.

[A]

It's cause you're kind of aware that you want the comedy to be accessible. You don't want to be the guy that's only funny in his own postcodes. So you're trying to like. And the last one was also recorded in Ireland.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I think if you see the ones I'm in Glasgow, you naturally, just because they fucking hate it if you start trying to speak properly. People in Glasgow.

[B]

Oh yeah, you're a sellout.

[A]

Who the fuck is this guy? Why is he speaking like that? So I get you try to find the balance when people start understanding you outside Scotland. People in Scotland are done. Done with you. So you're trying to come.

[B]

Meanwhile, you don't want to lose them because you sold out the Glasgow Arena 63 times. And. And that place holds how many people?

[A]

12,000.

[B]

All right, so I did the math. That means that the box office gross, what is it, about £30 a ticket?

[A]

I don't know, average? Something like that, probably. I figured out I've done it 63 times over five different tours.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So it's fluctuates in your life.

[B]

You've grossed £30 million at that venue. So I'm just wondering, like, how much money are you worth now? Like, what's your net worth?

[A]

We could google it. They could google it and check, man.

[B]

That's never right.

[A]

I don't know. I've done all right, man. I've done.

[B]

But then you took two years off, you made enough money that you actually just walked.

[A]

I just get fed up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I stopped enjoying stand up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And looked after 2015. I'd done a massive tour and I was like, I don't really enjoy this as much.

[B]

Do you feel like you went too hard and you wished you'd gone easier?

[A]

Probably, yeah. And when you're playing bigger places, you. You're kind of forced into being a bit more polished like this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You need to just perform the show.

[B]

You can't relax.

[A]

Exactly. And I quite enjoy the buzz. Every comedian, the buzz from when you've got a new idea and you try it on stage and it gets a laugh for the first time. That's the. That's everything. That's what keeps you coming back. That's what keeps you returning.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I kind of. When you're doing big shows, you don't try as much. I think I've done a tour for about a year and I was so fed up saying these words. And then my dad said, why don't you just stop?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, indefinitely. And I was like, well, I probably could. Like, I don't chase. There was nothing that I could not afford that I wanted. I don't really live a lavish lifestyle. You know what I mean?

[B]

No. I'm looking at your outfit like, you keep it really simple. I applaud you.

[A]

No. So I bought. I got my mom and dad, I paid off their house, I bought myself a house, I bought a speedboat and I bought a box at Celtic Park. My football team. And that was. I'd love.

[B]

That's all you need.

[A]

I love the working class dream. So at that point, I was. I'm gonna cash in the chips, man. So I went to Madrid, I went to Spain just to try and learn Spanish and enrolled in a college class there.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Witness protection.

[B]

What is it with the UK comics? They're always like, eddie Izzard is. Or whatever. I'm not sure.

[A]

He's got a few languages.

[B]

He learns eight languages, performs in those languages, runs a marathon every day for 30 days. Like, what? We just get high and jerk off a lot. Like, I'm so impressed by the work ethic of you guys.

[A]

Bill Burges, he can fly a helicopter.

[B]

Bill Burr can. Yeah, that's right.

[A]

I mean, that's. Yeah, I think so. I don't. I mean, my Spanish is pretty average. But the point is, after about two or three months, I started getting ideas again. I was living in Madrid and I was so focused on something else, like learning Spanish, that I just started getting ideas.

[B]

How freed you are.

[A]

I remember actually going to buy a brand new pad, which is always a buzz, and then writing just shit. And then I came back and I was like, I'm gonna pop up to comedy clubs again. Went right back to the start and I just started loving it again. And then that was it. I just really started hammering the gigs, but being conscious of it. Always stay present on the stage. Don't let that go back to feeling like you're phoning it in.

[B]

And do you feel like you're trying more new stuff, bigger gigs now? Yeah, people love that.

[A]

You need to go over the side that eventually goes. You walk on it. Go. It has 12,000 people as a stadium. I've seen bands in here. I've seen people that I love in here. The imposter syndrome is overwhelming at times, but you go, they don't see themselves as a crowd of 12,000 people. They're just individual people want to hear what you've got to say. So you need to just reduce it back to.

[B]

Right. And the crazy thing is, when you're doing a venue that big, there's a screen up and so people aren't even looking at you. You think, like, I have very little experience with this, but I have done some of those arenas with Bert Kreischer. And you go up and I'm thinking, all right, I gotta be jumping up and down and I gotta be yelling. Cause it's so big. And then I went in the back of the arena and I looked and there's this big screen and they're picking up little subtle. You can play it. You don't have to play it back.

[A]

And you can sit on a stool, probably. You could be. That's the thing that when I first played the arenas, I was always quite a still comic. I used to keep the mic in the stand and just stand there. And I was like, that's totally what you're saying. I was like, shit, look at the size of this stage, like, the sheer distance. I better start getting the steps in. So I became a bit more animated. And then exactly as you said. I seen the dvd, I watched it back and I was like, no, you're so narrow down. You've got the screen. Just chill. Take your foot off the gas a bit. So bring them to you.

[B]

Bring them in.

[A]

You don't need to force. Stay on top of them.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

But it takes a level of confidence to accept that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But to bring an audience that size and a story that's a bit more requires attention, rather than just been really animated bits and like.

[B]

Yeah, no, I look at, like, Nick Storyteller.

[A]

Well, he's amazing at that.

[B]

I mean, he just brings him right in real small and subtle. And so I got. I mean, Oasis must have been huge.

[A]

Oh, man, I've seen them in Croke Park. We were actually talking on this recently. I get goosebumps even talking about.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause the occasion caused the venue for a starting in Croke Park.

[B]

Yeah. That's like a hundred thousand people, right?

[A]

No, the history of that place that spilled it. The British army, like, massacred 14 people.

[B]

Oh, no shit.

[A]

19, 20 or whatever.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They've always been very protective of that. I think it was only until 2005 they refused to have any foreign. Foreign sports. That was their terminology. So it was only supposed to be for Gaelic in Ireland. The GAA is massive. Gaelic football in Harlan. So I think they relaxed that. I think it was 2005 and they started letting other events happen. But seeing Oasis there, because obviously their mom and dad. Their parents are Irish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they've got that connection. And just this Saturday night, they played another song. Obviously Irish. Fitzsimmons is Irish in it. The old triangle.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

The Dublin us.

[B]

Oh, that's amazing.

[A]

Before the band came on. I'm still even talking about it. The whole crowd singing it back to them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the screen, the camera panning in that stadium, Croke Park, Saturday night. The sun. The sun was still up. 100,000 or whatever. Irish people. And then Oasis would bust on the stage. It was like, wow, This. I don't know. I don't know if I can go to a gig again.

[B]

I don't know. I've never seen a confluence of performer and audience. It was like one organism that. That audience, they moved together, they sang together. The pitch was like this thing. I mean, it was up here the whole time. Right.

[A]

I think there was just. It's the soundtrack, your life. These songs mean so much to so many people.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And there is. That can hang with them. Liam and Noel. That can. The reconciliation hang. That everybody's got a parallel in their life. Phone your mate or try and repair a relationship or something. Just seeing that walking on hand in hand. It was like, this is great, man. And of course, their mum still here. And it must be so nice for her to see her two. You don't want your two kids having a feud that lasts for two decades. So there was so much baggage. And then Liam sounded incredible. The tunes. Not a single piss break on the set list, but every single song was a hit.

[B]

Have you met them?

[A]

I've met Noel a few times.

[B]

Do you have a fight with him?

[A]

He dedicated a song to me.

[B]

I know, man.

[A]

I know that's uncool to tell that story, but it's the highlight of my life. Probably my son being born in. No Gallica dedicating a song. That's.

[B]

That's insane.

[A]

So it was 2000 in the same arena, the same place?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I had a show in the afternoon, then we went straight over to the Hydro arena to see no Gallicle, His High Flying Birds. That was his project before Oasis. I hope they still continue because they've got some great tunes as well.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we were on the guest list for that, me and a few buddies. We rock up and we go backstage. First time I'd met the guy. No, I'm fucking hero. Fucking big cuddle. And he goes, I've got a fridge full of tenants. Tenants Lager. That's a proper Glasgow Scottish lager. But I set myself a target. I was staying off the booze for one year. I just thought, I'm gonna do a sober year. And I was only maybe a week away. I. 51 weeks. So I was like, mate, this is like a bucket list thing to sit and have a tenant's lager with Noel Gallicle. I mean, I would love this so much, but I'm one week away to getting my year done. And he goes like, no, get the year done. Get the year. Respect.

[B]

Respect, man. Good man.

[A]

So there was now, like, peer pressure. He totally respected it. So I go on stage and my mate's like, you're a dick, man. No Gallica offering you a fucking can. And you say. I was like, I'm trying to get my year done. So he starts, the gig's amazing. Then he goes, this next song's for Kevin Bridges. I was like. And then I've looked genuinely, I grew up. But definitely maybe and crazy. And then all my mates are grabbing me like, you've made it. They don't give a fuck about 63 nights. They don't care about anything like that. This is the buzz to them. And I'm like, shall I hear what the song's going to be? And it was like, diggsy's done from definitely maybe, but he's like, he's done a year off the booze. And then I think people cheered when he said my name. And then when they said, he's done a year off the booze, I think they started booing. He's fucking changed, man. He's funny. No, proper funny. Stand up level funny.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

He's got some good stories.

[B]

Yeah. That's amazing.

[A]

A great turn of phrase as well.

[B]

Yeah. So let's talk about this US tour you're traveling around. Michael o' Brien is your publicist. He's mine as well. Have you got to hang out with him at all?

[A]

He came to the show in New York. We went For.

[B]

He did.

[A]

We went for food after. Nice guy, man.

[B]

He's a good man.

[A]

Is that the Irish brothers o'? Brien?

[B]

Yeah. I only hang out with Irish people, I swear to God. I got this group of friends and we had a group text going, and I look at the group text and I look at the names, and it's Fitzsimmons, Fitzgibbons, Gibbons, Gubbins, Fitzgerald, Malloy, Donovan. And I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't plan on this, but, like, these are my closest friends. They're all Irish. Isn't that weird?

[A]

Is that common here, though, that the community's gonna stay? Growing up?

[B]

I think east coast, much more so West Coast. Nobody even knows what they are. But if you live in Boston, New York, Philly, you know you're Italian, you know you're Irish, Chicago, you're Polish, and there's. There's definitely, like, an attraction to hang out.

[A]

Where in Ireland are your family?

[B]

Kerry and Cork.

[A]

Right, cool. Cork and Kerry.

[B]

All four of my grandparents came over from Ireland, and my grandfather.

[A]

Have you been. Sorry, have you been to Kerry?

[B]

Many times, yeah.

[A]

Stunning. Yeah.

[B]

Have you been down to Kerry?

[A]

The Ring of Kerry. So my wife's name's Kerry.

[B]

Oh, no shit.

[A]

So every time somebody talks about the Ring of Kerry, you're always a bit like, innuendo is fucking ripping it up.

[B]

No, Kenmare, where my grandfather's from, is right at the. Right at the bottom of the Ring of Kerry.

[A]

Right? Stunning.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

It's Colani or that. Gorgeous.

[B]

Yeah. So, yeah, they all came over here and, you know, like, as teenagers mostly, and just moved to the Bronx. I'm from all Bronx people and. But it's amazing. Like, I go back there and I feel it. Like, I was just there last summer. I did a show in. Over in. Where was I?

[A]

Dublin. A bit. Cool. No, where was Co. Kenny's got a festival as well.

[B]

No, that's where I want to go next.

[A]

Kilkenny.

[B]

Yeah. No, I was in Galway. This show was in Galway. Yeah.

[A]

That's one of my favorite places in the world. That's amazing.

[B]

Yeah, we spent most of our time in Galway and. But I feel it. I go there and I feel it in my bones, like, these are my people, you know? And I think. I think most people respond to Irish people in general. They're very friendly and, you know, they're great storytellers, my family.

[A]

So both my mum and dad's side are all Irish descendants. I think there's Mayo. County Mayo on my dad's side. And my mom, I believe, is Donegal. And everybody in Glasgow, those are tough people. Donegal. Half of Glasgow's family's from Donegal.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

It's that same thing. I'd never been to Ireland until I started stand up. So when I. The family connections are long gone, long dead or whatever. But it was only When I was 19 I went over for the first time to do some shows and I did feel exactly what you're saying. You feel very kind of. This is your people and it's a special country. It's amazing for stand up as well. The audiences, oh my God. Scottish and Irish audiences are really good to get it. But the Irish one, they love when you break into a story, but they don't just need the joke, they laugh on the way to the punchlines. And it really helps you as a performer, even the way you're telling the story. I never even knew that was a laugh. But they're laughing, they don't like it.

[B]

I like that about your style. You're not in a rush to get to each joke. You really take your time setting it up.

[A]

You're like, so I find, so here when I've popped in a few comedy clubs, I find you really need to be on it. It's totally different. You don't get to tell a five minute bit.

[B]

You need to be like, no, it's much harder. And I hate it. I hate that I have to. Like, I was just in Vegas for seven nights and that Vegas is like, bump, bump, bump, bump. Otherwise they're just distracted because they're there to gamble. They're mostly drunk. They're tourists from all over the country. Like, I like going to a city where they're from. Like you're in Portland, you kind of know who you got in the audience. You know, you got, you've got sort of, you know, tree hugger. They're tatted up, tree hugging, coffee loving liberals that have a little bit of an edge. So you know who you're talking to, you know, and then you go to Vegas and you got people from Canada and you got people from Minnesota and Florida and you just. And you somehow have to find this common ground between them all.

[A]

It feels like a corporate gig or something like that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And you're probably catching everybody at their worst as well.

[B]

Exactly. They're taking a break.

[A]

They've been boozing for three days.

[B]

Yep. So. So that's tough. And then you really have to rely on the jokes.

[A]

I mean, there's a lot to be said for that as well. If you need to get up and you need to be on it.

[B]

Ye.

[A]

Helps you.

[B]

No, it is. It tightens things up. And I had. I had a long story of something that just had happened to me the week before. And it's like a good. It's like a good five minute, six minute story, which I'm not as much of a storyteller. I have a couple. But like, I found that I had to punch up the story, which was good. I sat down with my computer and I go, all right, there's something. There's a moment here. And it. Sometimes it's just a turn of a phrase, you know, it doesn't have to be a joke, it's just, you know.

[A]

Just to keep them engaged.

[B]

Yeah, right, right.

[A]

It's quite sad though, that you even need to consider that. I know a guy should be able to tell a five minute story.

[B]

Right? Right.

[A]

Five minutes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But Angus in Ireland or Scotland, they love that. They would be like, this guy's telling a story.

[B]

All right, so some things I want to get to here. Yes, you. What is. There's a big thing now about. Obviously everybody went over to Riyadh and did the Saudi Comedy Festival. And I was looking at your website. You. You've done Middle east, have you done Saudi Arabia?

[A]

They offered to go to that one.

[B]

They offered you that?

[A]

They did, man. I said no, but I just. I read that book. I don't judge it. I think the backlash is over the top as well. Yeah, but it's like, it's fucking. It's a crazy place to take. Because they are actually paying you the money.

[B]

Yeah. It's not a private company, it's the government.

[A]

That's the difference, man. When they say that it's the Saudi royal family or whatever are putting on this get. I was like, nah, I'm out, man. Yeah, but I actually. I've been to Saudi Arabia 2008, doing stand up and I got paid £200. So I went for the love. I went for the love.

[B]

I went for the chicks.

[A]

Human rights abuses. The love of the game. Fuck the money.

[B]

I have an eye fetish. I went for the women.

[A]

So it was the Comedy Store in London. They used to run these gigs in Dubai, in Abu Dhabi. And then you go over for two weeks and just play expats. So I was maybe 21 or something. We went over and then at the end they said, there's a guy who's very keen to run a gig in Jeddah and Riyadh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's the same money, £200, he'll fly you over. So me and the other comic, Steve Gribbin, we'll hear anything more or less here. Another two hour flight we went. The gig in Jeddah get cancelled. So this is 2008. This is way before Mohammed bin Salman. He was just in his bedroom playing FIFA and eating Cheetos or whatever. But it was like proper strict. He was the guy, he kind of liberalized that. He. He made Saudi Arabia woke, right. So this is before it was woke, right. So the gig and Jeddah get cancelled. I don't know why, maybe it was illegal, who knows. But the one in Riyadh went ahead and we go on stage and there was just like. Everybody was. It was. Red Bull was involved in some way because there was just Red Bull stands everywhere. So everybody's getting. They don't drink obviously in Saudi. So everybody's just getting, getting sober. Everybody's getting caffeinated. The gig was good, man, because the audience is. It was very new to them and it did feel edgy, as if. I don't know if this should be happening.

[B]

Did they. Do they tell you what you couldn't consider?

[A]

I think the government were not involved. I think the guy was just a British guy that thought, I'm going to try and run a comedy night. So I don't even know if it was above Border. Who knows, man? So we went on, I opened up, I done fairly well. And then in the middle they had three local comics and then really they did. Two of them done their sets in English and one of them done his set in Arabic. But the guy who done his set in English, he kind of removed the elephant from the room because the women, as you said, are wearing the full hijabs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he's like, oh, look at all the girls in the front row. Your dads think you're studying tonight. He said something like that, basically they should not be here. And it got the biggest laugh of the night. The fact he'd said he'd hit Fair play, mate. That's quite edgy shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it was quite scary the whole week. I had really bad acne at the time. Right. So as soon as we arrived in Riyadh, you, you get to the airport and then you need to put your bags through the security again. I don't know if that's still the case.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

So anyway, I had these acne pills, I think they were called oxytetracycline or whatever. So the guy starts going, what are these? And I'm starting to go, no, you're genuinely shitting yourself. That horrible feeling, like, out of body almost. And I was like, luckily, I was covered in spots. I was like, it's for spots. I've got really bad spots, man. And the guy's like, nah, I need to take you through. Took me into the back room. Like, banged up, locked up abroad kind of stuff.

[B]

No way.

[A]

In the airport, there's signs up, drug trafficking is punishable by death. So I'm going. I'm going to get my head chopped off. No crying. And then the guy starts scanning. He takes the pills, opens one of them up. No. You see on the documentaries, like, Cocaina, he scans it and he looks for it and he's all good. You're good to go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, I just. I need home, man. I was genuinely shook up.

[B]

Your acne must have really broken out.

[A]

I've never been so grateful to have a fucking spotty face, because it kind of guys. This kid does need pills for these things.

[B]

That's hilarious.

[A]

But. So I've done Saudi for £200 and 2000. But that was before Khashoggi. And.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a book called Blood and Oil. There's really good Blood and Oil. It's a New York Times journalist, wrote this book about the whole.

[B]

Oh, is that right?

[A]

About the whole regime.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's pretty messed up.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, the same thing they're doing with Live with the golf league. You know, they're just whitewashing their names, trying to bring in stuff. But look, I mean, I get the argument. I mean, people have made the point.

[A]

That, like, you're not gonna get a bad review as well as a comic.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

If somebody orders, does press in, a reviewer in anything less than four stars, the guy's getting chopped up.

[B]

So.

[A]

I mean.

[B]

Yeah. So. All right, it's time for a thing we call fastballs with fits.

[A]

Cool. Let's do it.

[B]

Oh, wait, before we do that, I did want to talk about your. When you said you quit and your dad. You lost your dad. And my condolences. That was how long ago?

[A]

2003.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The very start of 2003. So. No, 2023.

[B]

Jeez.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

I was gonna say. Jesus fucking Christ. It feels like Yesterday just took 20.

[A]

Years off my dad's life, man. So 2023. I don't know why I said that.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Because he took me to my first gigs. Because.

[B]

Yes. This is an amazing story.

[A]

I started at 17.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the club emailed saying, like, you can come along. But because you're under 18, you need to be accompanied by a parent or a guardian. So I took my dad. Slightly cooler than showing up with your mum. So he drove me up and it went well, man. And that became. We really bonded. He used to drive me all over Scotland and it was our sort of thing. So partly why I came to the US because my dad used to always say, take it as far as you can take it. It used to fill me with massive kind of confidence. And playing in the big stadiums, he would be like it. Who else is it going to be? Just go on there, man. Standing with the catering and he's laminate pass. So unfazed.

[B]

And what did he do for work?

[A]

Just loads. So Clyde bank, where I'm from, the big industry was ship building. So he worked in the Singer factories and then they closed in. 70s or 80s. Then there was mass unemployment. Usual story. So he just had kind of odd jobs. Social worker, care work, stuff like that.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

A night porter. Just odd jobs. And then he'd get really bad.

[B]

So he struggled.

[A]

He'd get really bad rheumatoid arthritis and he had to eventually retire. So he was on incapacity benefit or whatever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But because he was at home a lot. I think that's how we became so close. I used to see my dad a lot more than I would see my mum because my mum was.

[B]

Did that take a beating on his self esteem?

[A]

I think he got depressed, man. Because it's that kind of. You're a Glasgow working class guy and you're not working. So it did get kind of down and. But I mean, me and him had great memories and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then getting into the stand up that kind of gave him a lease of life that became. Because I never knew this. Right. But when I started stand up, he showed me an old book and he'd wrote loads of short stories and poems and stuff. So he always had that kind of creative thing himself. And then. So it was quite cool.

[B]

Did you bounce jokes off him sometimes?

[A]

Constantly. Constantly.

[B]

He was a good gauge.

[A]

Very good gauge. A bit rough. He would get you cancelled easily. He stole that old school. Like. I don't know if he set up a Twitter account. I was like, dad, walk away, man. What is a pronoun, son? Like dad, you're going to take me down with you here, man. Just step away. Step away.

[B]

He's got no career to be canceled from, right. He could say whatever the he wants.

[A]

So comedy was always me and his thing. So to come to the States. It would always be. He would be delighted that I eventually went for it and came over here.

[B]

And then when he passed, it was. Was it. You got to kind of say goodbye, you got to be there. And.

[A]

Yeah, he was sick during the tour, pretty much.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I never knew he was that sick. We never knew it was getting to that stage, but I was going over to visit him every day and then doing the shows at night and then pretty much when the tour finished, it was like, no, your dad's in a bad way, man. So, yeah, it was rough, but when that happens, everybody's like, it's raw at the minute, but then you'll be comforted by the memories and at the time, that's unthinkable because you're so also, I think, so true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's so many. I think. I don't think my dad is that guy in the hospital anymore. And they're like, I think my dad is the hilarious. He was very, very funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I've got so many stories that just like some of the mad shit he got up to, like, well, we.

[B]

See a madman when he was younger, I think.

[A]

I think Ali. I think he quit boozing when he was like 40. So I think I got the kind of dad side right. You know what I mean? I think he was a madman back in the day, but just. He was just so unfazed by anything that happened. So we done a show like, this is. I'll tell you this man, Barack Obama.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Came to, like, Edinburgh to do a spoken event, a talking event, and they said they wanted a comic to go on after Obama. So this guy, Tom Hunter, he's a Scottish philanthropist, he had booked Obama and he's a fan of mine. So he said, can you come on? Basically, Obama's going to open up, then you go on and close the show.

[B]

Hilarious.

[A]

So we go through Edinburgh and he's like, you can bring your mum and dad and your wife. Brilliant family trip. And then the Ariana Grande arena bomb had happened that week, so the security was like, obviously there's ex president in town, so it's going to be high. Yeah, it was ridiculous. Navy Seals, snipers everywhere. So we had to take two utility bills, two forms of photographic id just to get in the venue. And then my dad just chain smoker, so anywhere he would go, he would need to go away for a cigarette. So he's not getting any id working through the scanners like an airport. My dad's like, fuck, I'll get the queue here. He goes back outside For a cigarette. And like, sir, get back. And he's like, oh, no. He's standing there, cigarette. There's some Special Forces guy screaming. And my mum's like, you're fucking. You've not. That was only the first bit of the security check. He's just standing by the fire. Relax, Patrick. I'll be there in a minute. Trying to talk to the guys. Where is it you're from, son? This Special Forces did. So any situation that Mal Comedy took us to, he was always there and just always himself and always real.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're just left with all the memories.

[B]

Wow, that's amazing. And him and your mom together to the end.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

How many years was that?

[A]

50. Just. Just two days ago, they would have been married for 50 years.

[B]

Wow, that's amazing. So how's she taking it? Yeah.

[A]

Your whole life in it, so.

[B]

But saying goodbye like that really is profound. To be able to have that time to say the things that you're not gonna later on wish that you'd said. You know, I mean, that's.

[A]

That's when I'm at that age, I've got a few friends that are starting to lose parents.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I mean, one of my best mates, he lost his dad. Just shocked. Just very sudden.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, he never got to. So you. I'm grateful that as you're saying, I'm grateful I said goodbye.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But I've got a son and then he's. Can I help you through it? He's only four years old, so I'm sad that he'll never know my dad. Really.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But that's helped my mum, so it's like kind of hang. So.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

Anyway.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Good. This is deep. Well, look, you know, that's what Fitz Dog Radio is good, man. You show up. I'm a comedian. You're a comedian, but we go deep.

[A]

But substance, God. Good, man.

[B]

Well, I lost my dad suddenly, and I. I was young. I was like. I had been. He saw me do stand up for about 3.3years, and he was incredibly supportive, so I can relate to that part. But he never saw me succeed. He just saw the struggle because I just started succeeding about six months ago.

[A]

Did they come to you? Did they come to your early.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He come to my gigs and then he was a radio guy. He was pretty famous radio announcer in New York. He was one of the biggest guys in New York for 20 years. So he would do. He would go put on a tuxedo. And he'd host, like a benefit show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he'd get up there and he would. He was doing stand up. I mean, he didn't call it stand up. He was emceeing, but he had his stories. He would shit on people in the crowd. And so it was kind of like that. That's probably my biggest inspiration was watching him.

[A]

You must be quite proud as well, seeing your dad getting laughs. Must have been a good.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah. And now my kids watch me and I just realized, like, half my jokes are about fucking their mother, and I don't think they appreciate that. All right, so fastballs with Fitz. Who's the worst opening act that you ever got saddled with at a gig?

[A]

I mean, I don't want to name names.

[B]

No, you have to say the name.

[A]

Oh, you don't need to say that.

[B]

Frank the Fox.

[A]

That's incredibly harsh. Just rattling off 10, ruining 10 careers on the podcast. I've come over to the States just to shit on a bunch of Scottish openings.

[B]

I had a guy going ahead of me the other night as a black guy, and he put on a white wig and did a trump impression and he. And. And I. And I. And he killed. Killed. And like, it took me 10 minutes to adjust right after that.

[A]

It's probably like prop comics as well.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Follow a guy and he used to bring a plank of wood, like a two by four and set up like fruit and veg and start smashing. But one of my students loved it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

If he was in the right audience, it was so surreal. But I was like, surely he needs to close the night.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

So he would be in the middle and there's a couple nights I was closing. I'm like, look at the fucking mess.

[B]

Of the stage flipping around. And fruit.

[A]

There's genuinely apples bashed everywhere. Tangerines, like, put this guy on at the end, man.

[B]

Look at.

[A]

You're kind of appalled at the state of the stage, let alone even trying to change the atmosphere. Because once people have seen something like that, it's quite hard to bring them back in. Talking about deodorant or whatever. So, yeah, that guy. London. London's good. Is there a version of that in the us? There's a kind of comedy scene that's sort of non league, off the radar.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's that.

[A]

And so there's gigs in London with guys like that are just insane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's. It's a shame to watch, but, yeah, quite funny as well.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I remember seeing A guy literally take a kitchen sink on the stage.

[B]

No shit.

[A]

Don't know that expression, everything but the kitchen sink? That was the joke.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So even when you seen him arriving at the club, you're going, oh, I wonder what this guy's. I wonder what this guy's opening line's gonna be? And I thought he'd maybe have a twist on it, but now he took on the kitchen sink and he's like, I'm gonna throw everything at this gig tonight, including this. Jesus, man. Imagine having to carry that everywhere. He had to go on the tube.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And go up to.

[B]

Oh, my God. I know these guys, they. They commit. This one guy used to come on in drag all the time. And he wasn't. He was a straight Italian tough guy from Providence, Rhode island. And he used to dress up as a woman on his shows. And he got pulled over by the cops one time, and, you know, Rhode island is a pretty, like, backward place. And they arrested him for being dressed as a woman. You know, they had to let him go. But that was their first instinct, was that this is illegal. You can't. You can't drive around dressed as a woman. And then he ended up going to jail because he sold cars on the side and he was turning back the odometers, right. And he got busted. It's the thing that keeps track of how many miles are on the car. And so he. He was turning them back, which is a felony.

[A]

People used to do that a lot in cars, didn't they? We call it reversing the mileage. Yeah, but these cars are too high tech. I used to quite enjoy hearing about a scam. But cars are pretty scam proof.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

These days. There's a club in Newcastle as well that used to be crazy gigs in there. And a guy, I don't know what he'd done to the mic stand before me, but he was very physical and he was Freddie Mercury. He just fucked up the equipment, basically. And it was a proper hostile pre. I think it was the last Friday before Christmas, which is never a great atmosphere for comedians. So it's loads of drunk, part big, part big groups of guys. Like an oil rig kind of vibe. So I'm closing the show and as I said, I used to keep the mic in the stand, so I'm trying to adjust it and then the mic stand just collapses, whatever this guy's done. But I was only backstage, so I never seen what he done. But the mic itself fell off the stage. So I've not even said, good evening I ain't said a word yet. Guy in one of the big parties grabs the mic and starts going, who are you? So he's on the mic, so I need to climb off the stage.

[B]

Hey, give that.

[A]

But I'm like fucking Milhous Simpsons. Like, hey, David, back. I'm trying to fight to get the mic back. And then you're so vulnerable until you get a laugh. You're quite vulnerable on stage, let alone until you've said a word. So that guy.

[B]

No, that's the thing about when you take the stage as a comedian, you have to assume alpha dog status immediately, straight away. And if you don't get that opening beat. No, you're never gonna get it.

[A]

It's like a football game. You need to get a touch. Or soccer.

[B]

Soccer, right, right.

[A]

You get the first touch on the ball and then everything just relaxes after that.

[B]

Yeah. Wow. What's the closest he ever came in to getting a fist fight on stage? Although that probably sounds like it was pretty close.

[A]

A couple. A guy. A couple of people threatened me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A guy in.

[B]

Because you played some tough rooms in your day prisons.

[A]

I don't know, Prison. A maximum security prison. No shit shots prison. Whoa. I used to have a joke. This is. I've done a joke about it, but it's a true story. A guy actually stood up during the set and I was like, where the is this guy going? He's like, back. Back to my cell. He was hating it that much. He went back to. He went back to his cell, man.

[B]

He had the choice of watching you.

[A]

Or sitting back to yourself. That's Guy. I'm going to. I'm away to finish my. I'm going back to finish my life sentence. This guy sucks. So that is proper humbling. And then they had a raffle at the end. And it's like there was loads of boxes of chocolates.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But that in. In prison, that's currency, man. So it was never been through a tense. When the guy was drawn at the raffle tickets, it was properly. Guys are winning boxes or like celebrations or whatever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like. And shouting at the other guy, you. And all that. So it was a very strange atmosphere and it was some government sponsored rehabilitation and comedy in prisons. And then the guy who was closing the show, he never tailored his set in any single. In any way whatsoever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he's just. He's talking about like, oh, these days when you see a limousine and it's just a bunch of girls on a hen party. But back in the day it was like, is that a celebrity? And a guy's like, we've been inside for fucking 20 years, mate. No, his whole act was about being outside, basically.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So I've had a guy in Albroath and a place just outside Dundee, Arbroath. I don't know what. I don't know what I said or if I said anything or the guy was just nuts. But he stands up and there's an expression in Scotland. I don't know how this whole land where American ears, because it's very strong language. And we. Cunt is quite. We're quite liberal with the use of the word cunt in Scotland and Ireland. But this guy, he stands up and he shouts, I'm going to kick your cunt in. Which is quite a Scottish expression of violence. And I was like, what? My cunt. I was a bit rattled. Was the cunt already in that sit, man. It's like. And I don't even have a cunt. So the guy was going to perform an impromptu sex change and then immediately undo his own gynecological efforts with his foot. So I was trying to talk about that on stage here. That expression, I'm going to kick your cunt in. Let Scottish people. We kind of over promise and under deliver when it comes to violence, but America is the opposite, all right? You can under promise and over deliver because you've got guns.

[B]

Because we got guns.

[A]

I'm gonna kick your ass.

[B]

Well, I always say the guy I'm afraid of is the quiet one, the guy who's screaming, shit.

[A]

Bewildered off pushing.

[B]

If the guy pushes me first, yeah, I'm probably okay. It's the guy that quietly comes up and just cold cocks you.

[A]

There was nothing subtle about this guy. He just stood up during the set. I'm gonna kick your cunt. Then you start, obviously, the comic. Your natural thing is to start blaming yourself. Did I say that? Is that material a bit much? And then everybody else is kind of horrified, but the guy starts coming towards the stage. But it was quite an elevated stage, so at least I've got height on my side. And how's the guy going to get up? You need to climb up on the stage to then kick my cunt in. So I come. And then it's in one of these small theaters, so it's just like ushers. You don't have security assistance. But, sir, can you go back to your seat?

[B]

Right, right, right. It's some woman who volunteered.

[A]

She's coming in with a torch.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

Another guy in the audience started shouting at him. Then the heck. And then the other guy was a lot bigger and it just diffused. But it was very. It was quite a tough one to come back from. The guy just went genuinely mad.

[B]

Well, again, like, you're losing the alpha status, you know, and like. And the thing is, is like, you know, there is that with time, as a comedian, you start to be able to gauge how much can I push back with this person based on all these nonverbal, subtle readings that you're making. Their eye contact, their voice level, are they moving towards you and you're gauging. Well, I need to keep control of the show, so I need to shit on this guy or control him. But if he's truly violent, you want to be backing off and it's like this, it's like this taut rope that you're keeping with this person because your.

[A]

Default is, how do I keep the audience laughing?

[B]

Right.

[A]

So even in arenas you look at shit.

[B]

Yeah. Right. Right now with arenas, how. You probably rarely get heckled in an arena. Right.

[A]

You don't hear it as much.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, right, you can. You've got the option just to ignore it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So if you engage, then you don't know who's shouting it, you don't know where they are and then it just makes everybody else starts popping up. No, it's like.

[B]

Do you sell merchandise at your arena shows?

[A]

I used to, man, but my audience just booze. They don't want to go and buy T shirts. They get into the venue and just go straight to the bar. So I think they're going to give a fuck about buying a key ring or whatever, so.

[B]

Well, you know what Bert Kreischer does? He gets a percentage of the beer that they sell at his arena because his followers drink so much. You might want to look into that with your 17 year old manager who just walked in here.

[A]

He does look great, doesn't he? He looks like he belongs here.

[B]

Looks great. Great confidence, likable. I like that guy. Does he handle a lot of comedians, Rick?

[A]

It does. So we were. He was my tour manager. We get put together because we're a similar age in like 2010. So he used to drive me around Scotland and then his careers, he got promoted within the management company and now he looks after a lot of people. So he's a good mate as well.

[B]

Yeah, that's great.

[A]

It's quite cool that we were buddies on the road and now he's my actual manager, agent type. So I love it.

[B]

Did your wife Come on the road with you at all.

[A]

She was in Canada and my son. And then they're going to come over. So I've got the LA show on the 16th and then I've got four nights off and in the New York show.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

My wife and my son are going to fly to New York and meet me the day after the LA show. And we've got four days off in New York. Love it. It will be Christmassy, hopefully. Christmas, like.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Now you get to take them home alone, too.

[A]

Rockefeller.

[B]

Rockefeller Center. And then, you know, there's just that the whole city just feels very alive and it's actually not. You would think it's crowded, but it's actually not because a lot of New Yorkers have left. So you can actually get around. No, it's always been like that. A lot of New Yorkers leave town.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

During Christmas and then you've. The tourists. There's not tourism in this country the way there was. It's way down. Canadians are boycotting the United States.

[A]

And in Canada, I went to buy an Americano in the coffee shop and the women said, and here it's called a Canadiano. And I looked up at the menu and it was a Canadiano. That's how you take on Trump, man. You need to go to his level. It's like school, innit?

[B]

Well, there was a certain point during the Bush administration where we wanted to fly planes over France to get to Iraq and France wouldn't let us. So he changed them from French fries to freedom fries.

[A]

I remember that.

[B]

Yeah. So. Yeah. And now it's called the Gulf. The Gulf of America.

[A]

No, it's not the American waves.

[B]

Yeah. Now we're not. Whatever. I don't want to get the World.

[A]

Cups here next year. Is that.

[B]

I don't know. Because now they're going to crack down on any. Any player from another country. Tough to have a World cup when you said, you know. So I don't know what's going to happen. This. This country's going down the. Anyway, back to Fitz. We all need new jobs. There are two types of people in the world. Go.

[A]

Eh? Two types of people in the world. Us and bastards. Just.

[B]

Did you say us and bastards?

[A]

Aye.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that. Oh, you're asking me to fill in the blank.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. I thought you meant because there's somebody that says that in a movie. There's two types of people in this world. There's us and there's bastards. There's two Types of people in this world. There are Scottish people and there are people straining really, really hard to understand Scottish people. I think you'll check the comment section after this podcast and there'll be people saying, oh, my God, I didn't get a word of that guy. What the fuck?

[B]

Oh, no. I'm gonna have subtitles.

[A]

Oh, good man, Good man. Even the subtitles, when you put that on, I don't think the world realizes how frustrating it is to be Scottish. I said, see the face mask?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That taught the world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What it's like to be us. Having to repeat yourself about five, Right. See this trip, the last few weeks, I've just started using an American accent for day to day shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just a convenience. Let me hear it like, well, this morning I was trying to get an iron for this T shirt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So if I phone the reception and say, hey, can somebody send me up an iron and an ironing board?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're just gonna hear, an iron and an iron board. This guy's been fucking haunted. Send up this guy. Send up an exorcist. What the fuck's happened to this guy? So I go, hey, man, can I get an iron and an ironing board? And they go, okay, sir, we're just gonna send that right up. It's just. Life is so much easier. I'd fucking love to be American. I would love to sound American.

[B]

Yeah, right, right, right.

[A]

So I said scottish people and the people that find it really hard to be.

[B]

No, that. That Monty Python sketch with the ferocious rabbit is just like that guy. That's one of their most famous sketches. And it's just because it's just the accent. They're not even saying anything funny.

[A]

Do you find it genuinely difficult? Don't you understand me?

[B]

I get most of what you say. There's definitely some things I missed.

[A]

Right? What? Like, I want to work on it.

[B]

Like after we. After I said your name, then it's all been kind of a blur since then.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, but like, I like your face.

[A]

That's good, man.

[B]

It's very expressive.

[A]

Like when. So if I speak like this, you speak. You need to speak really slow, but then that gets a bit tired and you end up giving yourself a migraine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think more Scottish people need to break through.

[B]

Plus, you guys have so many colloquialisms, little phrases and terms, slangs. Right. Isn't there that thing where you rhyme things?

[A]

So this. It's originally a London thing. Courtney. Rhyming slang.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think Scottish people do it A bit better.

[B]

Yeah. So, like, what's an example of the.

[A]

Rhyming slang I'm trying? Get me an object or a person.

[B]

A beer. A glass of beer.

[A]

So you could say a Richard Gere.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm going for a fancy. A few Richard gears.

[B]

A pair of shoes.

[A]

A pair of shoes. So shoes you could say, I think it's always better when you go for a really obscure soccer player.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like a cadive Boule Rouse used to play for Chelsea.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you'd say going for booze. Right, right, going for it. So it takes a bit of work.

[B]

All right.

[A]

What, you don't have rhyming slang here? Nobody else. Is that in America?

[B]

No, we don't do that now. We're not really clever with words. We have a very limited vocabulary. I would say, you know, you probably use 50% more words than we do.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, we. We kind of dumb it down.

[A]

I find. I find the opposite. I think Americans have got quite an extensive sounding in everyday speech. They use kind of bigger words than necessary in my experience, anyway.

[B]

Right. Well, when I prognosticate about that, I.

[A]

Do think, there you go, man.

[B]

Yeah, preposterous.

[A]

It's quite funny when you learn a new word and you get excited to take it for a test drive.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

There's quite a heterogeneous mix of people in here. That bit of your head's going, fucking nailed it, man. Nailed it.

[B]

Kev. I know. My cousin's boyfriend said the word pedantic three times in an hour. It's like, no, when it's a word like pedantic, it's like it's got a two week turnover before you're allowed to use it again.

[A]

Yeah, pedantic's a bit. Not to be pedantic, but that is excessive.

[B]

What's the last time that you apologized to somebody? Like a real apology?

[A]

Steve Van Zant.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Steve Van Zant. Yesterday.

[B]

What did you say?

[A]

He's staying in the same hotel as us in la.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One of the most LA experience stereotypes. As soon as I arrived in la, an English guy recognized me in the airport. He's, well, Kevin Bridges. And he had this big, massive trophy cabinet. Hang a big, huge box. And he's like, do you want to hold. Do you want. He said, do you want to hold my Emmy? He'd won an Emmy for some special effects thing.

[B]

Really?

[A]

So I literally arrived in LAX airport and I'm pictured holding an Emmy that was somebody else's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we get to the hotel, Alice Cooper's there, really? It was the guy for Papa Roach, remember that cut my life into pieces. He was there talking to him at the bar and then I seen Steve Van Zant and I was like, I don't want to approach this like a hero. I love the E Street Band, I love Springsteen, love the Sopranos, but I don't want to annoy this guy because he must just get it constantly. And then I kept passing him. Then it became a bit. It was natural. He was coming towards this gate and he held it open for me, just as a nice guy. And I was like, thanks, mate. And I was like, sorry, Stephen, I'm a huge fan and I don't want to annoy you, mate, but I just want to shake your hand. Shook his hand. I said, I never got a picture, nothing like that. I just wanted to shake the guy's hand. So I said, sorry is a way of knowing him. So.

[B]

Yeah, well, because you know what it's.

[A]

Like on a much less smaller scale.

[B]

But it's like, you know, getting approached a lot is, you know, there's a right way to do it and there's a wrong way to do it. And a lot of people don't know that. Like, you do keep it short, you keep it sincere and you don't ask for a picture.

[A]

Scottish people are ruthless. They just come and just sit at the table.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They just fucking grab you in a nice way. Doesn't mean it. Well, I got a picture of a guy in Scotland and he took off his works uniform to get in the picture.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Because he told me he was still signing on, maybe still getting unemployment benefit. So he was obviously. He was obviously working cash in hand. He took off the high vis so he could post a picture on Facebook. Got to put it back on. That was it. Back to his manual labor for cash. What a legend.

[B]

All right. The last thing I'll ask you is, what's the hackiest bit that you've ever done in your career?

[A]

I think when I. Because I started at 17, yeah, the whole set was fairly hack.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like the differences. But every comic in Glasgow starts off just talking about how rough Glasgow is, so that it's quite hack, because everywhere in the world's got its rough areas.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So. And Edinburgh is the posh, but in Glasgow's the rough. But. So I think I had a whole five minutes on the differences between Glasgow and Edinburgh.

[B]

Do you ever use that when you're in other cities? Like when you're in Manchester and then you talk about. I don't know, you know what's a or Liverpool is probably a bad area in England. If you ever play Liverpool and you talk about another town that's positive, the same joke.

[A]

But you feel a bit bad, don't you?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I think if you're going to badmouth a city, you need to do it to their face.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Going to the other city and go, I was in this place last night. It's like, come on, man.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[A]

I say the balls, man. Get. Give them it straight. That was Glasgow. Edinburgh's pretty high, I think. Talking about like anything toilet kind of related. I've never really seen a good comic. Billy Conley had a really good bit about that. But other than that, anything kind of scatological or whatever.

[B]

Well, you had that bit about having stains in the toilet after taking a shit and then saying, I'm not gonna use the brush, that's cheating. Is that what it was?

[A]

It was something about like politic. They don't live in reality or whatever. It's like the prime minister at the time, he's like, he's never been unemployed, he's never woke up and his only goal for the day is to try and piss a skid mark off the inside of the toilet. I love that. I was like the bit then I was like, I need to try and get a hard on, get a bit of pressure on this. If you can get an erection, you can jet wash it off. So semi scatter.

[B]

No, but that's like George Carlin. George Carlin did really smart political stuff and he mixed it in with farts.

[A]

I love that. I love when somebody's versatile. Chappelle's bit about Sesame Street.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's so wholesome coming through him. I love when somebody just dabbles into something a bit. It should be. It's like an omelette in it to use a hack analogy. But I think a stand up show should be a bit of politics, a bit of personal, a bit of surreal is always nice and silly and it needs to be fun as well.

[B]

And I like telling stories and then doing some. One line. I have some jokes that are two fucking sentences.

[A]

You know, you ever wrote a joke, you just go, this is not for me. This is somebody else's joke.

[B]

Yeah, right, right. And then I'll call that person and they'll go, they're insulted. Like, I wouldn't do that joke. All right, my friend, thank you so much. If you want to see Kevin, go check him out. He's going to be in Vancouver, I think that's sold out, actually. Raleigh, North Carolina, on my birthday.

[A]

The Vancouver one.

[B]

Oh, is that right?

[A]

It's a birthday present from the promoter.

[B]

Oh, is that.

[A]

During the US tour, they've gave me a trip to Canada because this country's mad.

[B]

Vancouver's one of the great cities I've ever been to. Atlanta, Tampa, Houston, Chicago, Cleveland, San Francisco. Back in la. I'm gonna try to catch you when you're back here. I was gone. You were here the last two nights I was away, L.A. and then new York City at the Beacon Theater. If you want to get tickets, kevinbridges.co.uk and you can purchase tickets straight from the site. And you're really just such a talented guy and I wish you luck on your tour.

[A]

Thank you, brother. A pleasure to meet you, Greg, big fan as well.

[B]

Thank you, man.

[A]

Love the special. I watched the rest on the plane. I've done the first 10. I was like, I've never seen you before.

[B]

It's all downhill after the first 10. I kind of loaded it up front. All right. Thank you, my friend.

[A]

Nice one, mate. Sam.