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- [00:02]
A
The world moves fast. Your workday even faster. Pitching products, drafting reports, analyzing data. Microsoft 365 Copilot is your AI assistant for work built into Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and other Microsoft 365 apps you use, helping you quickly write, analyze, create and summarize so you can cut through clutter and clear a path to your best work. Learn more@Microsoft.com M365 copilot foreign. Hi, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. For the next hour and 15 minutes or so, I'm going to be your host. Doing a pledge drive this month. Don't forget, Fitz Dog Radio relies on listener supported. I'm kidding. That's what I should do. I'm going to do a fucking pledge drive. Since I'm losing money on this podcast right now, ad sales are a little light. Meanwhile, we got fucking Spotify. I believe YouTube is also doing it. They're running ads for ICE. There is nothing, literally nothing I can think of that I'd be more opposed to than ads for ICE running on my podcast. And yet here we are. I asked my ad agent to look into it. I don't know what's going on with that, but I keep getting messages from people. Yeah, that's what Fitz Dog Radio is all about. It's about fun questions. It's about finding out embarrassing things about people. It's about just a touch of sincerity mixed in. And then also rounding up the hardest working Americans and zip tying their children with masks on and then deporting them without due process. That's really what the podcast is about. It's about trying to reach out to the guys that played varsity high school football and are now bouncers who work out a lot. It's all about attracting the guys that bullied you and make questionable decisions in the bedroom with women that they just met. I want the guys that, you know, have road rage in there. I want guys to drive pickup trucks with four wheels in the back. You know, the extra set of wheels and tinted windows and wraparound sunglasses that go to gun ranges. That.
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B
That.
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A
That's what Fitz Dog Radio is all about. I'm trying to reach out to guys that also listen to nothing but mma. And who's the professor from Canada? Justin Peterson. Jordan Peterson? Yeah, me and Jordan Peterson. The hell? How bad do I need the money? I don't need the money. Yeah. To be perfectly honest, I've never gotten a check from Spotify. I don't know why Spotify is running ads on my podcast when they've never paid me to do so it's insanity. Here's the business model for Spotify and podcasts. We. And YouTube and Apple Podcasts. We book, produce, perform, edit, deliver content to them, which they air and charge you for, and then don't pay us. And then on top of that will throw us off the algorithm if we don't do what they say. Not only like, if you're. If you say you're airing the Greg Gutfeld show on fox, you got 15 writers that are getting paid, you got office space, you got studio space, you got a paid audience, you got a room full of editors, you've got a marketing team all getting paid. That show gets paid by the network that airs it. Like a million dollars an episode. We get zero and we deliver the same hour of content that they do. And a lot of the podcasts are getting 5, 10 times the audience. Now granted, they do get pennies on the dollar. There are people that make some money from YouTube, but it's nothing. As opposed to a million dollars. Maybe they're making five grand for that, delivering the same number of listeners, and we just line up and do it. It's the worst business model. And all we need to do is get organized and get the top 500 podcasts to all get on one fucking website, one streamer. We could hire a team of 10 people that had cost half a million dollars for the year and then get all those, get all the ad revenue and split it evenly. We would all be making 10 times the money we're making right now. And I think it would be a better experience for the listener because you wouldn't have to sift through shitty podcast. It would only be the top ones. And me, I'm not one of the top 200. But, but I. It's my idea, so I get to get in. I call it. Remember that when you were a kid? I call it. I call the front seat. Anyway, that's how I feel about that. I special shout out to my staff over at Midcoast Media for editing and putting this out on a vacation week. I. I really do appreciate it. Um, how do you got Kevin Pollock on the show today? I gotta tell you something. I get some good guests on the show. They don't get any better than Kevin Pollock. And I'm not just talking about the fact that he's got so many acting credits and standup success that it's kind of mind blowing, but also that he is just a good podcast. He a great podcast guy. I got a good run going right now. Jesus. I just had Jason Ellis on yesterday. We went for an hour and a half. I got some good guests. Tell your friends as we go into the holidays, recheck out. Fitz dog radio. I'm back, baby. I'm on Ritalin. This is the new Ritalin 2.0. Fitz. Fitz dog radio. My stand ups. And sharp too. I was at the Improv couple nights ago, and there was a guy in the front row who looked a little kind of European. Looked like he had a little bit more style than your standard American. Interesting hair. And I go, I like your hair. And he goes, it's a wig. I go, no shit. And he whips it off and he throws it to me and I. What did I do? I put it on. Am I afraid of head lice? Hell no. More concerned with getting a big laugh, which I did. And I did a couple bits with the wig on. I'm trying to get the tape from the Improv. They videotape all the shows. The least they could do is get me the videotape and I can post it, go viral, get big. Picking up my mom today for Thanksgiving. I'm recording this on the 25th. Hopefully it's going up on the 26th.
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Sixth.
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A
Thanksgiving's the 27th. Mom's flying in from Florida. I always pick her up with a. Her drink is rye and ginger, which is rye whiskey with ginger ale. And I put it into a thermos cup and she sips that on the way back from the airport. And she's gonna stay for like 11 days, which sounds like a lot, but I love having my mom around. She's the best. We'll go to some museums, we'll do some hikes, we'll play poke. She loves playing poker. Walk on Venice beach, go to the golf course. She doesn't really golf anymore. She's 83. She's 83. She had heart surgery a couple years ago, so she's not as strong as she used to be. But she's a lot of laughs and very warm, so I'm happy to have her. You know, I was thinking about she named or her and my father named my brother Robert. And my father's name is Robert. That's a weird thing to do. You know, of all the choices you got in reality, maybe 125 names you could pick from that might be interesting enough without being weird. You want to hit that sweet spot and picking your own name. Is it narcissistic? Is it. I mean, are we kings? Is this like, you know, I'm King William, so I'll name Again, I don't get it. Then every time the. Hello? Hi. Yeah, is Bob there? Which one? What do you mean which one? Well, my father's name Bob, and so is my brother. I. Oh, oh, your father. Okay, there's eight seconds I won't get back in my life times a thousand. Like, if I name my son Greg, I would feel like I'm asking him to be like me too much. I want him to be Owen. I want my daughter to be Jojo. I don't want another Greg and Aaron. We're the last generation. You're the new, improved Fitzpatrick Simmonses. We need new first names. It's like, you know, Coke. Then you had Diet Coke, Then you had Classic Coke. You, you don't keep calling it just Coke. Unless you're the Koch brothers. Then you're always called Coke. But you're. One is named the Fuhrer and one is named the Chancellor. All right, let's get to it. I'm not going to waste a lot of time because my guest is amazing. I do have, as I said, my standup. You do not want to miss it right now. Phoenix, Arizona, I'll be at the Desert Ridge Improv November 28th to the 30th. That's this weekend, San Francisco Punchline, one of my top two favorite clubs in the country. December 11th to the 13th. Bananas in New Jersey, out by the Meadowlands. December 26th, 27th. Also coming in January, Cleveland, Atlanta, Austin, Texas. February, I'll be in Sacramento, Philly, Lexington and Houston. March, I'll be in Fort Worth, Louisiana. Janesville, Wisconsin. Get all your tickets@fitzdog.com. get involved. Don't forget Sunday papers. Every Sunday with Mike Gibbons. And also, you know, life is about to get a little crazy for the holidays. And you're not always gonna eat right. You're not always gonna have time to do it right. That is where Tempo Meals comes in. They've sent me some free samples. I'm sorry I rubbed that in your guys faces, but they do give me free samples. But I do have to go through the website to get it. And here's the easy part. The website's a piece of cake. And it offers you so many choices and it's fun to look at. Your mouth starts watering before the food even gets there. So don't end up skipping meals or getting some kind of pathetic burger as a meal for your family. You know, you got kids in school, you got homework and carpools. You got so many things to do.
- [12:29]
B
And.
- [12:30]
A
And now you can get fresh, healthy meals that are ready in two minutes. So they're cooked. They give you a balanced meal. Fresh, chef crafted, dietitian approved meals right to your door. They're proportioned or portioned? Portioned for lunch or dinner. Fast. 20 new recipes made each week from nutrient rich ingredients. Have fun with it. A lot of us have goals for our diets and that's why they're there for you. Say you like protein packed meals with 30 grams of protein. Boom. Calorie conscious. Boom. Carb conscious. Think about all of it. It's convenient and flexible. Tempo was even the official partner of the 2025 CrossFit Games, proving their meals are built to support optimal nutrition and performance for a limited time. Tempo is offering my listeners. Ready for this? 66 oh percent off your first box. Go to tempomeals.comfitzdogg that's tempomeals.com fitzdog for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com fitzdog rules and restrictions may apply. Be wary of that. Okay, my guess, I mean, I don't know where to start. You know, I'm from A Few Good Men. How about Grumpy Old Men? How about A Few Grumpy Old Men? Uh, Usual suspects. Casino. End of days. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Wedding Planner. Miami Rhapsody. The Whole Nine Yards. Uh, I mean, it just goes on and on. Billions. He is just the best. And I had a great talk of him this week. Here it is, my chat with Kevin Pollack. Kevin Pollack is my guest. And it's very sad that there is a preamble to the show that you missed out on that was gripping.
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B
I mean, was it talked about electric cars?
- [15:00]
A
You are. I go on Wikipedia. I write scripts now. I mean, I know you did your show, the chat show, and it was all about, you know, opening up about your feelings. I had.
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B
No, no, that's, that's Marin. I had a research person who gave me a dossier.
- [15:18]
A
Yeah, dossier.
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B
That's what I called it. The problem with Wikipedia, as you know, is that there's. There's issues of factual things. I think it says I have two kids. I don't.
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A
I don't think so. But I wanted to ask you about when you, you, you were the ref in the 2014 Winter Olympics ice hockey. You did the 2017 Stanley cup playoffs. What was it like when a fight would break out? What was your strategy for two big guys pounding each other?
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B
Don't get hit.
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A
Yeah.
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B
So growing up in Northern California.
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A
No. You grew up in Winnipeg, Ontario.
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B
I've shot three films in Winnipeg and Let me just say, when the moisture in your. On your nose hairs hardens, that's one thing. When the moisture in your eyes hardens.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Then you want to get indoors.
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A
Right.
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B
So I didn't grow up with ice hockey.
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A
Okay. There is a Kevin Pollock.
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B
I know. That's what I'm getting at.
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A
Yeah.
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B
So there, there. There is no ice hockey in Northern California. San Francisco. When I grew up.
- [16:27]
A
Right.
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B
Been the San Jose Sharks for quite some time. But not when I grew up. So I had. If you don't have a team, no one's talking hockey, no one's teaching hockey. I don't know anything about the sport.
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A
Right.
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B
18 plus years ago, I get together with someone from Pittsburgh. She's still my better half. And she cares more about her Penguins than the Steelers. So we're gonna go see her family for Thanksgiving. I booked my first live hockey game. I get us seats on the glass because I'm just that kind of.
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A
To take her while you're in her hometown. Yeah.
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B
The Saturday after Thanksgiving, my first game on the glass in the igloo.
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A
Wow.
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B
Sid the kid.
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A
Sidney Crosby hat trick. No. Here's.
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B
Here's my proudest moment.
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A
Yeah.
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B
All the hats being thrown on the ice. I turned to her. Why is everyone throwing their hats on that guy? And now statistically impossible. One year to the day, one year later, Saturday after Thanksgiving. Tickets back on the glass. Sydney kid. Another hat trick. My hat's the first on the.
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A
Not possible.
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B
First on the ice.
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A
Wow. It helped that it was hat night.
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B
And it was a free hat that.
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A
I was throwing on the ice.
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B
I know.
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A
Because you wear caps like mine and these don't get thrown on the ice.
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B
No.
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A
These are very hard to come by when you could find one that's flat enough for your head and doesn't have a snap on it or it doesn't have, like webbing on this. It's very hard to find the exact right newsi cap. And I admire yours. They're good and you use them in your work.
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B
If you had told me, I would have worn one.
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A
Yeah.
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B
I didn't realize.
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A
I assumed you would. I really did.
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B
At that second game was Pollock the ref. And I inquired and found out his full name was.
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A
He was reffing that game.
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B
Yeah. He refs all year long.
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A
Yeah. He's done more games than anybody in the NHL.
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B
Is that correct?
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A
Yes.
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B
We're hard workers.
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A
And he was going to retire in 2021 or something and got a second win. Just the opposite. He got taken out by a guy and Just collapsed his leg. And he had to retire early. Like a month early.
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B
Whoa.
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A
After 20 years in the league.
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B
Well, he risked that every time he stepped onto the ice.
- [18:54]
A
Yep.
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B
And he lasted 20 years.
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A
I was a ref in college. I grew up playing ice hockey, of course, and. Cause I grew up in New York. We had a lake about two blocks from my house. And they took it very seriously. This lake they had.
- [19:09]
B
It's everything.
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A
They had a giant shack you could fit 50 people in that was heated, that had a little snack bar with hot dogs and hot chocolate.
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B
Where your kids got dressed into your hockey outfits.
- [19:21]
A
Yep. And then we.
- [19:22]
B
Uniforms? Are they called uniforms?
- [19:24]
A
No, not on the lake. You didn't wear uniforms, you just wore.
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B
I mean, if there's a league, you're wearing something.
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A
There was no league. It was just pickup games.
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B
See, again, I grew up in Northern California where there was no education whatsoever about hockey. Stay out of my camera. So the same thing.
- [19:41]
A
Unbelievable.
- [19:41]
B
Same thing to Tom Cruise.
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A
So we'd go down there and if it snowed, they had plows and they would plow out a perfectly shaped rink out of the snow. And then it would freeze into banks and you had walls on the rink.
- [19:56]
B
And you miss this to this day.
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A
They had telephone poles with floodlights. And at night. So we would play hockey all day and then at night we'd go back, we'd hide a case of beer in the woods. You know, we're 14, 15 years old.
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B
Absolutely.
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A
We would skate, we'd kiss the girls, we try to put our foot freezing cold, hand up their shirts and touch their little breasts. And then we would drink Budweisers in the snow.
- [20:18]
B
Uh huh. Did the term statutory rape ever come up?
- [20:22]
A
Not if you're 14, it doesn't.
- [20:24]
B
What does that mean?
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A
That means I'm in the game. I'm a player. I'm, I'm, I'm sanctioned. I'm. I'm under 18. Sanctioned by, by the United States federal court system.
- [20:35]
B
I see.
- [20:35]
A
Yes.
- [20:36]
B
Okay.
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A
I mean, I'm not. I didn't go last year. You're working.
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B
I'm old school. I know where my lenses are.
- [20:50]
A
Listen.
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B
Yes.
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A
So anyway, so I was a good skater, so I got to college and I started reffing hockey games. That was my job for four years because we had. I went to BU. There was 100 intramural hockey teams at.
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B
Bullshit. Oh my God.
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A
Every day I'd ref like three games, break up fights.
- [21:09]
B
And so how did you stay out of the fray and not get blown out by players?
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A
I once was I was breaking up a fight. It was a frat. I just remember it was a frat and they fought a lot.
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B
Oh, God.
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A
And I'm breaking it up and I got hit in the side of the head. So then I hit the guy back and I got suspended from reffing for like a month.
- [21:30]
B
Was it a bit of a wake up call?
- [21:32]
A
Little bit, yeah.
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B
Don't drink before you ref one of the games.
- [21:38]
A
I don't think I did drink when we play. We had a midnight ice time. By the way, this is a podcast about Kevin Pollock.
- [21:46]
B
It is.
- [21:47]
A
Well, look, sometimes I indulge.
- [21:50]
B
As you should.
- [21:51]
A
Yeah, yeah. But let's talk about you a little bit.
- [21:54]
B
Must we?
- [21:56]
A
Well, here's the thing about you there. The biggest. The business has collapsed. There is no work and somebody forgot to give you the memo.
- [22:05]
B
There's already something floating in the. It's fine.
- [22:12]
A
No, he's got another beverage. He's fine. He's just commenting on something floating in the water that he already didn't trust. Are you afraid of a germ?
- [22:21]
B
No.
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A
A little bit of germs are good.
- [22:22]
B
No, no. I better have false. Jamie. Her name's Jamie. Can I just say Jamie now?
- [22:26]
A
Yes, please.
- [22:27]
B
Bullshit. She likes to point out she grew up in a house full of mold and asbestos. So we have everything in our house. You don't hold back to eating and drinking.
- [22:37]
A
Right.
- [22:38]
B
Way beyond expiration dates.
- [22:40]
A
Yep.
- [22:41]
B
It's going to lose some of its flavor. That's the worst thing that happens. Beyond the mold, beyond the expiration date.
- [22:47]
A
It's true. As so you don't understand that the business has slowed down because you're working.
- [22:57]
B
Currently seen in season three of Tulsa.
- [22:59]
A
King, which I fucking love.
- [23:01]
B
Do you?
- [23:02]
A
Well, here's the funny thing is we went all in on season one and two. Didn't realize season three was out until you told me. And then I binged those. Here's the thing about you. You're not an intimidating guy. You're sharp.
- [23:15]
B
You mean in real life?
- [23:17]
A
I mean not physically.
- [23:18]
B
I mean in real life.
- [23:19]
A
In real life.
- [23:20]
B
But as it turns out.
- [23:21]
A
As it turns out. Multi award winning actor, but always as a tough guy. Not always.
- [23:27]
B
And do you always laugh when it happens?
- [23:29]
A
I smile.
- [23:31]
B
I do an acknowledging smile.
- [23:33]
A
It's just. It makes me realize that like good acting comes from something. Where. Where does this come from? Where does this edge camera that lets you be intimidating?
- [23:42]
B
Camera angle and the right words. Although I was allowed to play with them a little.
- [23:51]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [23:54]
B
And the right clothing, you know, you got to Use all the elements here.
- [23:58]
A
Yeah. You got.
- [23:59]
B
Just sitting down in a. Yeah. On a tight suit in this look.
- [24:03]
A
Right.
- [24:03]
B
I'm not intimidating anyone.
- [24:05]
A
Not unless ping pong is about to break out. Then I'd say maybe this guy's on to something.
- [24:09]
B
If I brought my own paddle.
- [24:11]
A
Yeah.
- [24:11]
B
In a leather case.
- [24:12]
A
Right. But so you're doing scenes with Sly Stallone, one of the tough, tough guys of all time.
- [24:19]
B
It's crazy because we hadn't met before, which is really kind of weird when you've been around as long as I have and he has, and. And thankfully, one of the first things he said was, I remember seeing you on Carson doing Peter Philip.
- [24:32]
A
Really.
- [24:33]
B
Which it couldn't be more the origin story of my.
- [24:40]
A
That was an early one in the public space. Yeah.
- [24:43]
B
People in stand up slowly starting to know who I was. But, you know, Carson was pretty early 88, I think. 87. 88 something. And so way back machine almost, you know, 37 years ago. So that was a nice icebreaker.
- [25:03]
A
Yeah.
- [25:04]
B
And then we are my first day at work having never met this guy. Had an inside intel. A friend, Martin Starr, has been on the show from the beginning.
- [25:18]
A
Sure. Martin Starr from Silicon Valley.
- [25:20]
B
So wonderful. Yeah. I love King, too, as Bodhi. So he gave me a little, you know, inside skinny before I got there on who's who and what's what.
- [25:30]
A
Yeah.
- [25:32]
B
And he said he's super charming and funny, and lo and behold, that was what happened. So I. My first stage work was episode three of this new season where we're in the car together on a road trip. And it was five little scenes in the car, him and I. And spoiler, we shoot at on a soundstage so they can control the elements. People don't really think the thing behind me is whatever you're. Wow. So you. You have all this infrastructure, green screen, and that's what you put on the. You could put the Swiss Alps there.
- [26:07]
A
We used to do Venice Beach. We would do different photos of Venice beach every week.
- [26:11]
B
And then you said, fuck it, let's put up two blue squares and the name of the show. But I mean, Jesus, we're surrounded by green.
- [26:22]
A
So this is you wearing your director's hat now. Now that you've directed a few things.
- [26:26]
B
You'Re all of a sudden international filmmaker is what I would prefer. How you address me.
- [26:31]
A
Does that mean your stuff only sells overseas?
- [26:33]
B
That means I shot in Bulgaria.
- [26:36]
A
Did you really?
- [26:37]
B
I did.
- [26:38]
A
Wow.
- [26:38]
B
Yes, sir.
- [26:39]
A
We're gonna double back to that because I want to know more about Sly.
- [26:42]
B
Yeah. So, so the five little scenes, right. My first day and so I just, you know, after we get the Peter Falk thing out of the way. Great way to start because I've got.
- [26:51]
A
Did you do it for him on the spot?
- [26:53]
B
I have no choice, him or anyone. Yeah, I told you the story when I did it the first time on the Tonight show and then a couple weeks later I, I did the Peter Falk for Carson on the couch. Moving just the one eye. Falk very famously had one glass eye. I remember reading stories he told in TV Guide.
- [27:17]
A
Yeah.
- [27:18]
B
About that glass eye playing Little League. Eleven years old, slid into second. I'm called him out. He popped the eye out and said, you clearly need this more than I do at 11. I think that makes him the hippest 11 year old that ever lived.
- [27:32]
A
His commitment. Yeah, that's pretty. Yeah, that's. That's an 11 year old who goes, you only live once.
- [27:37]
B
So if he's talking about it in TV Guide. I immediately started teaching myself to make just one eye move, which was pretty easy. And I can teach your viewers if you'd like. And on the second appearance on the Tonight Show I taught Johnny how to do it. But the first one I did the Peter Falk right out of the thing. You know the pre interview. What do you want Johnny to ask? You just happened to say, I understand you do impersonations and I'll just launch into it because he loved Peter Falk. Had him on all the time. Yeah, all the time. Loved him.
- [28:05]
A
Yeah.
- [28:06]
B
So I thought I'll open with this, I'll be a made man. And that's in fact what happened. But now Kevin, we'll talk about Willow in just a second. Somebody told me that you do Peter Falk, is that right? He's been on the show. Is that right, Johnny? That's a bold faced lie. I don't know where you heard such a thing. Two weeks later, produce section at Ralph's accosted by Peter Falk who had seen the appearance really? And asked how do you do that with your arm? True story. Me, I understand. How do you do that?
- [28:41]
A
Ah, that's great.
- [28:43]
B
Yeah. One of the absolute most genius personally high. High mark.
- [28:50]
A
Yeah.
- [28:51]
B
Byproduct of the stupid shit we do.
- [28:53]
A
Yeah. How many other famous people have won one eye? Didn't Sandy Duncan.
- [28:58]
B
Sure. Yes.
- [29:00]
A
I think that's it.
- [29:01]
B
Are we done?
- [29:02]
A
I think we're done. Two fake eyes.
- [29:05]
B
Can we crack research?
- [29:07]
A
Paul, you want to put down the pipe? People with one eye.
- [29:09]
B
Yeah.
- [29:10]
A
Hitler had one ball. I believe.
- [29:15]
B
You know, before the murder. Suicide in the bunker.
- [29:18]
A
Yeah.
- [29:18]
B
He shot their loyal German shepherd dog in the face.
- [29:21]
A
I heard that.
- [29:22]
B
Yeah.
- [29:24]
A
Yeah.
- [29:24]
B
Are you a dog owner?
- [29:26]
A
I was.
- [29:27]
B
How'd that make you feel? To hear that Hitler shot the dog in the face?
- [29:31]
A
It made me think. As Norm MacDonald would say, I don't think I'm crazy about this guy. I think he's not such a good guy.
- [29:39]
B
Yeah, Paul, what do you got before you answer that? You just made my point. Nobody cares about the Jew. The Jews, Alice Walker, Johnny Depp. Go sit down.
- [29:50]
A
No, Johnny Depp doesn't have one eye. Get out of here.
- [29:55]
B
I'm just reading here. Fifteen people that were one eyed. Go sit down. Go sit down.
- [30:02]
A
One eyed.
- [30:03]
B
I can write to Bobby right now and ask him.
- [30:05]
A
There was the kid from Christmas Story. Teddy Roosevelt had one eye.
- [30:10]
B
This is a bum list. This is a bum list.
- [30:13]
A
Yeah. I'm not buying this.
- [30:15]
B
I think this list has one eye stronger than the other.
- [30:18]
A
Well, he said he was blind. Teddy Roosevelt got in a boxing match. And Leo Fender, the founder of the Fender guitar. Johnny Depp.
- [30:31]
B
No. Not buying it.
- [30:34]
A
Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Paul.
- [30:37]
B
That's how good I am. Yeah.
- [30:39]
A
Right.
- [30:39]
B
Thank you. Thank you for your service.
- [30:41]
A
Wikipedia. So let's get back to Bulgaria. You're wearing your director's hat, which I assume in Bulgaria is like a knit. A knit stocking cap. Is it winter?
- [30:57]
B
It's just a pelt.
- [30:58]
A
Just a pelt. You're not even going to say what? Animal, right? No.
- [31:02]
B
Because they had a choice, and I don't remember which one I picked. Yeah, but I was a gun for hire director on this little movie. I'm proud of about 61% of it. It's a little sex comedy.
- [31:16]
A
Nice.
- [31:17]
B
I was able to cast J.K. simmons six months after he won the Oscar.
- [31:21]
A
Wow.
- [31:21]
B
Exactly. Maria Bello, Jane Lynch, Kumail Nanjiani. Beck Bennett. I got myself a cast.
- [31:28]
A
This wasn't that long ago.
- [31:29]
B
I got myself a cast. This was 10 years ago.
- [31:31]
A
Did Maria do a nude scene? Because she famously, in A History of Violence, did one of the great sex scenes of all time. Did you ever see that? History of Violence? Yeah, on the stairs.
- [31:43]
B
My memory of the movie was that it was like watching a pony die.
- [31:46]
A
Yes. And Hitler shot the pony. See, no one cares about that. I know the joke. You're talking about one of the great jokes of all time.
- [32:00]
B
So I was a gun for hire. I'm casting this movie. I. I cast the movie. I did six page one rewrites. Uncredited.
- [32:10]
A
Really?
- [32:11]
B
Just because I Wanted it to be. I mean, I asked, and if you want to hire me, I need to. The premise was great. Based on a true story about a guy who didn't go through puberty until 30.
- [32:21]
A
Okay.
- [32:21]
B
And then he goes through full on puberty at 30.
- [32:24]
A
Yeah.
- [32:24]
B
You see, the humor's built in.
- [32:25]
A
Sure.
- [32:27]
B
Pituitary gland that they found and removed and went through puberty at 30.
- [32:34]
A
True story.
- [32:34]
B
True story. So. But the script was a lot of hijinks and close up of boobs. And I thought, this is too great as a true story. Let's. Let's put a little.
- [32:47]
A
Right.
- [32:47]
B
Heart and soul into it. So. And then I cast up all those people that I just listed off. Britney Snow. Johnny Simmons was the titular character. It was called Late Bloomer.
- [33:01]
A
Titular.
- [33:02]
B
Titular.
- [33:02]
A
Is that what you call a woman who was in this film? Titular?
- [33:06]
B
I mean, one of them.
- [33:08]
A
Was there only one topless scene in the film or several?
- [33:16]
B
I think I. You know, you watch a film a thousand times when you're editing, and then. Yeah, I can't wait to not look at it right. Ever again. And it was 10 years ago, so I think it was less nakedness and a lot of buoyant cleavage.
- [33:34]
A
Yes. Okay.
- [33:35]
B
Yeah. And. But because of the premise, that's what, in my opinion, made it a sex comp.
- [33:44]
A
Right.
- [33:46]
B
Because when you go through puberty until 30, in truth life. This guy thought he was a freak because he knew he found women attractive, so he knew he was technically heterosexual. But he had no of those things that testosterone create.
- [34:03]
A
Right.
- [34:03]
B
Aggressiveness also. And no sex drive and no, none of that. So he just thought a freak. And then at 30. Boom. They removed the tumor and acne hair.
- [34:16]
A
Boom.
- [34:17]
B
In. In minutes.
- [34:18]
A
Yeah.
- [34:19]
B
So that's funny to me.
- [34:20]
A
Yeah.
- [34:21]
B
At 30.
- [34:21]
A
That's great.
- [34:22]
B
Businessman.
- [34:23]
A
Uhhuh.
- [34:25]
B
Beck. Ben and Camille Nanjani play the two best friends who don't understand what the. Is happening. And why couldn't you tell us? We could have helped you.
- [34:31]
A
Yeah. So.
- [34:34]
B
And I got Jack White to give us a song for the.
- [34:38]
A
Really Credits.
- [34:39]
B
I mean, I.
- [34:39]
A
Nice.
- [34:40]
B
I really poured myself into this.
- [34:41]
A
Huh.
- [34:43]
B
But I didn't know that it was being controlled by the money people who were planning on shooting out the big names that greenlit the small budget the first two days. And then we were moving the production.
- [34:54]
A
Okay.
- [34:55]
B
Bulgaria. Where he had sound stages.
- [34:57]
A
Yeah.
- [34:58]
B
So I became an international filmmaker in that moment.
- [35:02]
A
Somebody asked me the other day, my party of five. You remember that? Dinner for five? Do you remember the TV show? Yeah. Asked my Dinner for five and Jane lynch was one of my people at my table. Would I be right in inviting her?
- [35:18]
B
Oh, I thought you meant you appeared on an episode with her.
- [35:20]
A
No, no, no.
- [35:21]
B
You're gonna put together a dinner for five.
- [35:22]
A
Yeah, dinner for five. Bill Murray, obviously. Jane lynch, would she be in on that monster mash?
- [35:27]
B
Yeah, she's an assassin.
- [35:29]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [35:30]
B
Also a great laugh. Rarely is it about her, you know, Middle America sort of upbringing. Very sweet.
- [35:41]
A
Right.
- [35:42]
B
Mother hen. But lights out. Hilarious.
- [35:45]
A
Yeah, yeah. Who's it? Who's at your dinner for five?
- [35:50]
B
Dead or alive?
- [35:51]
A
No, alive.
- [35:52]
B
Alive.
- [35:52]
A
Yeah.
- [35:53]
B
So we're going to shoot this.
- [35:55]
A
We could. I mean, Paul, you think you can pull these people together?
- [35:58]
B
Let's not go to Paul, just right away. I mean, I'm sure he's.
- [36:03]
A
Paul can't even look up who they are.
- [36:05]
B
I'm sure. Oh, man. Maybe Johnny Depp. Maybe I put one eye right. Right in there.
- [36:14]
A
Yeah. Yeah.
- [36:15]
B
I got to ask about the eye. He's blind in one eye.
- [36:17]
A
Tell. All right, Paul, what do you.
- [36:19]
B
He can't see very well. That doesn't mean.
- [36:21]
A
Yeah.
- [36:22]
B
See what we were looking for. Someone's had an eye removed.
- [36:25]
A
Yes. This glass. There has to be glass.
- [36:27]
B
A fake Sammy Davis.
- [36:28]
A
Sammy Davis Jr. How do we miss that one?
- [36:32]
B
You know, I was bumped my very first Tonight show because Sammy did four songs. Now, no one had ever done more than two in the history of the show. No one had even suggested three.
- [36:40]
A
Right.
- [36:41]
B
He went right to four.
- [36:43]
A
Wow.
- [36:43]
B
And you know, it's your first time on. You've. You've called 65 people now. Yeah. The worst thing about it is you have to call the 65 people before that night.
- [36:51]
A
Yeah.
- [36:52]
B
And say I was bumped. So I'm in the dressing room kicking the wall, losing my mind after the show. And he comes in. I am so sorry, you kids with the whole. Shekunk kakunk. That's a quote. He spoke like that and then took photos with us in the parking lot afterwards. He made up real nice.
- [37:14]
A
Yeah.
- [37:14]
B
But I was losing my mind.
- [37:16]
A
I got bumped from my first Letterman by Jack Lemmon, who was on fire and did three segments of stories, but that was one where I went like, kind of enjoying this.
- [37:25]
B
Yeah. Oh, nice. Yeah.
- [37:27]
A
Yeah.
- [37:27]
B
And they rebook you right away.
- [37:28]
A
Yeah, well, actually I got bumped four times and they got. And I was struggling. I was a. I was 27 years old. I had no fucking money.
- [37:36]
B
And you needed this appearance.
- [37:38]
A
I need the appearance. And meanwhile I got paid five times.
- [37:41]
B
$398.
- [37:43]
A
No, I think it was close To a grand. I think it was like 750.
- [37:46]
B
What year was this?
- [37:48]
A
96.
- [37:49]
B
Okay.
- [37:50]
A
You and I have done late night shows twice. We did Conan together and we did. I can't remember the other one, but I remember having done two different. And you were the guest ahead of me. And you had a woman with you who was backstage. Yep.
- [38:11]
B
What year do you suppose that was?
- [38:15]
A
99, 2000 range.
- [38:17]
B
Oh.
- [38:20]
A
Were you single then? Would that have been. It didn't feel like a marriage or anything. It felt like 25 years ago I.
- [38:30]
B
Would have been single.
- [38:31]
A
Yeah, you were. This seemed like a date. This seemed like Kevin was going to blow you away by bringing you backstage.
- [38:37]
B
I mean, it's. You know, I realized pretty early on after doing so many of those appearances on various talk shows rife with the opportunities for getting clothing. You know, I wear the away your outfit.
- [38:59]
A
You've done that.
- [39:00]
B
Watch.
- [39:01]
A
You reach out to a clothing company.
- [39:02]
B
And say, company, somebody. It's a store. You just walk into a store and go, you. I'm going to be on the tonight.
- [39:09]
A
Get out of here, buddy.
- [39:10]
B
How am I the first person to lay this at your feet? I mean, eventually, if you're big enough, you have a stylist who goes to the stores and makes all this happen. But I was out there hawking my wares as myself originally. But to your point, to your question, no better date. Hey, I'm doing Conan. Do you wanna.
- [39:30]
A
Yeah.
- [39:31]
B
And I don't mean at a bar when you meet someone. I just mean if you're. If you're casually dating anyone and you.
- [39:38]
A
Have that opportunity and you're done by 6:37, go out to dinner, then you go back to your place to watch it air.
- [39:47]
B
Well, we do a little something first because it's on late.
- [39:50]
A
You got time to kill.
- [39:51]
B
Yeah, at least four minutes. I just need four minutes. Yeah. Jamie, aforementioned, who you've met, I'm sure, naturally, we've been together a long time. I took her to a very early Conan where she met her hero, Tina Fey. And that was a really, really big deal. I'm not saying it was a closer. I'm saying we were already.
- [40:14]
A
I bought my pretty ensconced. My brother in law who I love. I bought him. He was a Howard Stern fanatic and I brought him into the studio with me.
- [40:24]
B
Lost his mind.
- [40:25]
A
He lost his mind. He met Howard.
- [40:27]
B
Yeah. I introduced my dad to George Lucas on the set of Willow and my dad said I really loved ET and to George's credit, considering he's not famous for improv uh huh. Said, oh, me too. As they were shaking hands.
- [40:49]
A
Yeah, that's pretty good.
- [40:50]
B
Yeah, it's not bad. All right, so those introductions are great.
- [40:54]
A
All right, who else is at your, your dinner for five other than Johnny Depp? Got Johnny Depp.
- [41:03]
B
Man, oh man.
- [41:04]
A
I, I, I mean, how is Bill Murray not on there?
- [41:07]
B
I guess he's an instant invite.
- [41:08]
A
Mm.
- [41:09]
B
I've met Bill, spent a little time with him, met his brother Brian Doyle's Geez, 10 years ago. 70th, because he just had his 80th a couple days ago. And then we saw, we saw Billy again at the last Ghostbusters movie premiere in New York. And Brian Doyle became a friend because he lived around the corner from us for a very long time. And, and we saw Bill at the after party. It was a little. Anytime you have an interaction with him, it's thrill of a lifetime.
- [41:43]
A
Yes.
- [41:43]
B
Which is why I'm talking about it now. Forgive me, but I, we just remembered and we quote him saying, oh, I remember you guys. You lived around the corner from my brother. You ran him out of the, out of the neighborhood, out of the state. Yeah. So I, yeah, I guess Bill would be there because the sit down dinner is going to be a lot more than the couple of 10 minute run ins I've had with him. So yeah, he's there.
- [42:07]
A
Yeah, for sure. Here's my Bill Murray story. I was 19 and I just spent the summer in the Hamptons living in a flea ridden little one bedroom with two other guys because we just thought we'd go out and wait tables and have some fun in the Hamptons. One summer.
- [42:24]
B
Summer at the beach.
- [42:25]
A
Summer at the beach. And I had an affair with a 40 year old woman. All summer. Yep. And she was delightful.
- [42:32]
B
Had you seen the movie?
- [42:34]
A
What movie?
- [42:37]
B
Summer of 42.
- [42:38]
A
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where they buy the condoms and the druggist goes, do you know what those are used for? And he goes, yeah, you fill them up with water and you throw them off the roof. And the druggist goes, okay, here you go.
- [42:48]
B
Wow, Good pull.
- [42:50]
A
Yeah, but I.
- [42:52]
B
So you had your own summer 42.
- [42:54]
A
So I had my summer 42. So this woman, Joanne, she was a lawyer for Lee Iacocco at the time. And so she invites me to the New York Film Festival that fall.
- [43:05]
B
You're how old?
- [43:06]
A
I'm 19.
- [43:07]
B
Strapping.
- [43:08]
A
So I wasn't hard on the eyes.
- [43:10]
B
Full head of hair?
- [43:12]
A
Reddish brown.
- [43:13]
B
Yeah.
- [43:14]
A
Little wave to it. Yeah. So we go to the premiere and we get onto the escalator behind Bill Murray And I'm sure you were. I mean, there was nobody funnier to me. So I said, Mr. Murray, would you mind signing my ticket? And I hand it to him and he goes, sure. And then he goes, do you have a pen? And I just looked at him like this. And then he took the ticket and he put it in his mouth and he chomped down on it and he goes, that ought to get you back in again. To this day I have that with the stick pin on my wall.
- [43:51]
B
That's unbeatable. Yeah, Bite imprint.
- [43:55]
A
If he goes down in a plane crash, I can identify him. All right, so we got Johnny Depp, we got Bill Murray. Yeah.
- [44:09]
B
I've weirdly never met Spielberg, so I'm gonna put him there.
- [44:14]
A
Really?
- [44:14]
B
Yeah. Cuz he's arguably, I think you could argue, the most successful film director of the last 40 years. Scorsese, 50 jaws. I said successful.
- [44:31]
A
You mean box office was.
- [44:33]
B
I didn't say the most artistic.
- [44:34]
A
Right, right. You're talking about selling tickets. Box office.
- [44:38]
B
Well, he created the blockbuster, the summer blockbuster that was attached to jaws 50 years ago last, what, July?
- [44:44]
A
Yeah.
- [44:45]
B
Have you seen the Jaws exhibit at the Academy Museum, by the way?
- [44:50]
A
I've been to that, but I haven't seen that exhibit.
- [44:53]
B
It. It'll be there till next July. Do yourself a solid. It's unbelievable, really. Script pages donated by Spielberg with notes and all, all kinds of incredible. Incredible. They did an exceptional job, open to the public. So get yourself a ticket. I mean, as an Academy member, I just.
- [45:14]
A
What's fun is you can do they have an acceptance thing where they give you a trophy.
- [45:18]
B
Sure.
- [45:18]
A
You can get a video of yourself winning. You can take out of the crowd.
- [45:21]
B
You can give your speech. Yeah, I told you. Alan Arkin's speech that he didn't use when he finally won for Litimus Sunshine. But he told me prior what he would say. Okay, here's what I would say if I won the Academy Award, you know. Applause thank you, thank you, thank you, that's very kind. I have two things to say. First of all, I think pitting artists against each other is the most heinous thing you could possibly do to the community. I think this is an absolute travesty of why we pursued this career. And I think the Academy should be held accountable and certainly embarrassed. And secondly, I'd like to say this is the greatest night of my entire life. How do you not use that speech?
- [46:06]
A
That's one of my favorite impressions you've ever.
- [46:09]
B
I asked him afterwards why he didn't use It. And he said, are you crazy? You get up there. You can't. You don't know. You don't know your name. I mean.
- [46:17]
A
Yeah.
- [46:17]
B
Everything flies out of you.
- [46:19]
A
Yeah. All right.
- [46:20]
B
People bring a piece of paper and read it because they know. They can't remember anything.
- [46:25]
A
Spielberg.
- [46:27]
B
So he's the most successful filmmaker and has made, in fact, untouchably brilliant. It gonna go out further on the Jaws limb and say it's a perfect film. So that's three of the five.
- [46:45]
A
That is.
- [46:45]
B
How many times during your program have you put a guest through this?
- [46:51]
A
Never before. Well, because I feel like I think you're gonna get.
- [46:54]
B
If you. If there is a comment section, you're gonna get some comments.
- [46:58]
A
Negative.
- [46:58]
B
This takes up too much time.
- [47:00]
A
Well, maybe I should ask the guests before they come in.
- [47:04]
B
But here's my beg of you, because it is a great question.
- [47:06]
A
Yes.
- [47:07]
B
With a little foresight and time.
- [47:09]
A
But here is why I ask you is because you famously have a poker game once a week, and you think.
- [47:16]
B
There'S people there that I want to have dinner with. James O. Brooks will be back playing at the game tomorrow night.
- [47:28]
A
Oh, nice. He's.
- [47:29]
B
He's actually one that I would want at the day.
- [47:31]
A
Okay.
- [47:32]
B
Yeah.
- [47:32]
A
There's four.
- [47:32]
B
I'm gonna put Jim Brooks there.
- [47:34]
A
Okay.
- [47:35]
B
And Jack Nicholson.
- [47:40]
A
Wow.
- [47:40]
B
I mean, I spent a lot of time with him 33 years ago.
- [47:43]
A
What?
- [47:43]
B
But we didn't sit down and break bread.
- [47:45]
A
I don't know how lively he'd be at this point at the table.
- [47:48]
B
Well, he loves Johnny. He loves Jim.
- [47:51]
A
Yeah.
- [47:51]
B
So I think they could.
- [47:53]
A
Okay.
- [47:53]
B
Get him out of his shop.
- [47:54]
A
All right.
- [47:54]
B
Pretty.
- [47:55]
A
I love it.
- [47:55]
B
Yeah.
- [47:56]
A
Who is your best Asian friend?
- [47:59]
B
Best?
- [48:00]
A
Yeah.
- [48:00]
B
What does that mean?
- [48:01]
A
Who's your closest Asian friend?
- [48:04]
B
His name is Kenny Chen. He worked on the chat show. I have a new favorite, but he's not best. We text each other.
- [48:14]
A
Who. Who's that?
- [48:15]
B
Bowen Yang.
- [48:16]
A
Oh, no way.
- [48:17]
B
I think he's one of the funniest people that ever lived.
- [48:19]
A
Oh.
- [48:19]
B
One of the most talented skies.
- [48:21]
A
He really is ever. He exploded on snl. He came on, and he was one of those guys that hit the ground running.
- [48:27]
B
The iceberg, I think, was the first.
- [48:28]
A
Yes, that's right.
- [48:29]
B
That popped at the news desk.
- [48:31]
A
Yeah. He was at one point running between a film he was shooting in England and snl, and I believe he had a nervous breakdown and had to take a little time off. There was a New Yorker article about it. He was. I'm not spilling tea. He talked about it in a New Yorker article.
- [48:47]
B
That's such a Boston thing to say. I think it was the one. The second part is coming out.
- [48:55]
A
It was based on a musical. Broadway musical.
- [48:59]
B
Yeah. Involving the wizard of Oz.
- [49:03]
A
Yes. Cameron.
- [49:04]
B
What it's called, that's what happens when we get to be a certain age.
- [49:10]
A
I'm sitting here with knee surgery.
- [49:11]
B
It's a single word title.
- [49:15]
A
Nemo.
- [49:20]
B
Got a text from him yesterday.
- [49:22]
A
Ellen DeGeneres.
- [49:25]
B
No, the person who says Nemo. Nemo. Nemo.
- [49:29]
A
Oh, Albert Brooks.
- [49:30]
B
Correct. Continue. Nice unicorn. Genius. Jews for 400. He's my hero. In fact, I might have to swap out Nicholson for Albert Brooks.
- [49:43]
A
Yes. Yeah, that's.
- [49:44]
B
So he's my unicorn hero. And this Last January of 25, we did a sit down in conversation at San Francisco Sketch Fest.
- [49:54]
A
Who did?
- [49:55]
B
Albert Brooks and I. He hadn't been on stage live in front of an audience in forever.
- [50:00]
A
Yeah.
- [50:01]
B
70S, early 70s.
- [50:02]
A
Wow.
- [50:03]
B
More than 50 years. And. And they. The festival, which I'm sure you've performed at.
- [50:08]
A
Yes.
- [50:09]
B
Quite famous. Has asked him almost every year, invited him to come and this was the first time. And so it was. He is my unicorn. North Star.
- [50:20]
A
Yeah.
- [50:21]
B
For all things funny.
- [50:22]
A
Right.
- [50:24]
B
His stand up, his albums, his appearances on variety shows. His ventriloquist bit. You can YouTube it on Flip Wilson, right. Where he drops the dummy to look for a lighter for a cigarette. His appearances on the Tonight show, which he used, but he ended up using the Tonight show as an open mic night because he would write a bit, not perform it for anyone, and just bring it right on the show.
- [50:48]
A
Yep. He did another dummy bit, a ventriloquist bit with a speak and spell.
- [50:53]
B
Yeah. Little computer thing on the Tonight show with Johnny. Yeah, buddy. Hi, buddy. We're talking to Johnny. You know Johnny, don't you?
- [51:02]
A
Yes. So great. Yeah.
- [51:08]
B
And so he called me before that Sketch Fest. We. We'd met socially a few times, but hadn't really had any quality time together. So he called me and said, look, let's go over a couple of things. You know, you can. Let's talk about this. Not that you can ask me whatever you want, but these are just a couple things I'd rather stay away from. And then he just started being Albert on the phone. So then it went so well. We did another one in Santa Barbara. Well, first of all, I get the phone call. Kevin, it's Albert. Listen, I just came out of my agent's office. They're very excited. I want to do more of these. And I don't know when I told him I won't do it unless you're the, the interviewer. And it was very important to me. And I don't know how long it's going to take for them to book these, but I'll let you know. And then I'm dancing like a lunatic.
- [52:06]
A
Yeah.
- [52:06]
B
And then I text him. I don't know if I was able to speak, let alone make it clear how grateful I am that you insisted that I be the interviewer. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. This. And he texts back, I wouldn't use the word insist. The other two people I wanted both have cancer. Ten minutes later that one comes. And then two minutes later. Oh Jesus. That's the first time I've used the word cancer in a joke, in a text. I hope bad things don't happen. So now we're texting and calling. Oh, and, and, and the Santa Barbara one also went great. And now we're going to do same thing again in conversation at a comedy festival in Nashville and a comedy festival in Austin, Texas, both in April.
- [52:56]
A
How's the money on that?
- [52:57]
B
Good enough.
- [52:58]
A
Good.
- [52:59]
B
I mean, he could have said, here's, here's a $5 gift certificate.
- [53:01]
A
Yeah.
- [53:02]
B
To Woolworths. And I would have said, I'm pretty sure they closed years ago.
- [53:05]
A
How about Borders Books? Here's a card. Yeah.
- [53:10]
B
I mean, he's the attraction. Yes. So they, they made it fiscally respectable. But not as if I was the right ticket seller.
- [53:20]
A
Right.
- [53:21]
B
Which is a fly first class again. Yes, yes. But I did have to drive myself to Santa Barbara.
- [53:29]
A
You did? Oh my God.
- [53:33]
B
They paid for the hotel.
- [53:34]
A
Uhuh.
- [53:39]
B
There was a travel buyout now that I'm thinking of it. So whatever it cost to charge my car when I got there, they paid for it.
- [53:45]
A
Okay.
- [53:47]
B
Yeah. So he is a absolute unicorn. Comedy hero. And I would want him at the dinner.
- [53:53]
A
Okay. Yeah. Good. I like it.
- [53:55]
B
You like the list?
- [53:57]
A
I like the list. I mean, it doesn't have a lot of diversity, but that's done. I think the whole, I think all that diversity stuff.
- [54:05]
B
Diversity? You mean people of color or a woman and gender.
- [54:09]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [54:09]
B
Or a woman.
- [54:11]
A
A woman. Or I mean, now here's the thing.
- [54:13]
B
When I cast this film I directed.
- [54:17]
A
Yeah.
- [54:19]
B
I, I. The first thing I direct was a documentary with the thesis. Do you have to be miserable to be funny?
- [54:27]
A
Yeah.
- [54:28]
B
Misery loves comedy.
- [54:29]
A
Right.
- [54:30]
B
It's on Amazon.
- [54:32]
A
Well, I don't believe I was asked to do it. I think I was. I talked.
- [54:36]
B
You, you were asked. You weren't available. We talked. I talked to 60 annoyingly famous funny people.
- [54:39]
A
Okay.
- [54:40]
B
Yeah. With the premise again. And when I cast that, the producer was saying, this is a lot of white guys.
- [54:48]
A
Yeah.
- [54:49]
B
And I said, well, I asked Dave Chappelle. He replied to me, I'd love to. And we haven't been able to lock him.
- [54:57]
A
Right.
- [54:57]
B
I'm pretty sure Camille Nanjani is a person of color.
- [55:00]
A
Yes.
- [55:06]
B
Freddie Prinze Jr. Is technically Latin.
- [55:08]
A
Sure, sure. He's not Latinx. He's Latin. Ish.
- [55:15]
B
He's Latin ish.
- [55:16]
A
Yeah.
- [55:19]
B
And the problem I have is what you're suggesting is that I went out of my way not to be inclusive.
- [55:28]
A
Yes.
- [55:28]
B
And fuck you.
- [55:29]
A
Right.
- [55:30]
B
So that you, you know, if you want to pay for some therapy sessions and maybe drill down on why I didn't go out of my way to, to be more inclusive.
- [55:43]
A
Yeah.
- [55:44]
B
As opposed to go through the Rolodex of people I, I, I might be able to reach on my phone.
- [55:50]
A
I do a comedy benefit every year, which I've asked you to do, and I always get shit that it's not diverse. And it's true. Like, I reached out to Leslie Jones. She didn't get back to me. I reached out to Sarah Silverman. She's on the road. You know, female comics and black comics that are good are working are too big. They are too big and they are too big. They're so in demand right now.
- [56:16]
B
I had Maria Bamford.
- [56:18]
A
Bamford.
- [56:18]
B
Bamford. I, I mean, I. There are women. Lorraine Newman. There are women in the thing.
- [56:24]
A
Yeah. You know, Maria is very eloquent about her depression. She was great. Very raw.
- [56:30]
B
She was phenomenal.
- [56:31]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was the best.
- [56:34]
B
But, yeah. I mean, I talked to, I even ended up talking to people who had just been on stage as an actor. Not necessarily stand up, up.
- [56:46]
A
Yeah.
- [56:47]
B
Because it was also about choosing a profession that, that is begging for attention.
- [56:53]
A
Yeah.
- [56:55]
B
Facebook became a multi billion dollar company because of. Everyone suffers from, hey, look at me. Since childhood. Yeah. There are very few of us who choose that as a profession, and it's pretty up if you think about it. No, no, look at me as a profession that I guarantee as many jobs as you've had interviews for and didn't get. You don't know what rejection is. Yeah. Unless you've entered into this particular field, it is. I probably went on 2 to 300 hyperbole by maybe 15 acting jobs auditions before I got anything.
- [57:34]
A
Yeah.
- [57:36]
B
Where it felt like they weren't just saying no, they were saying, how about anyone but you is going to get.
- [57:41]
A
This well, because if you're selling paper and they don't buy the paper, they don't like the paper.
- [57:47]
B
That's right.
- [57:48]
A
I mean, it hurts. It's personal.
- [57:50]
B
I'm looking at your resume. It doesn't seem like you've had a lot of experience in what we do here. So that's the rejection as opposed to I don't like your face.
- [58:00]
A
Well, that's a sweet. That's the thing about your career right now is that you've always worked hard. I wrote it down. You've, you've done 180 acting jobs or something on IMDb and you mean television and film. Television and film roles, huh?
- [58:20]
B
I don't think I've hit the hundred in the film world.
- [58:23]
A
No. 170 acting jobs and you've played yourself 148 times, which means like variety shows, Talk shows. Yeah, yeah. You've done a lot of talk shows.
- [58:35]
B
Yeah, but I also started in the 80s, so. But it's a numbers game.
- [58:40]
A
But you've got so much momentum that you, you, you're fucking made. I mean, let's assume you live another 12 years. I don't think you have to try. I think you've got, I think you're on such a wave.
- [58:56]
B
I mean, I know I make 68 look good and by the way, I read at a 71 year old level and I just turned 68 last week. 12. So you're taking me out at 80 gracefully.
- [59:11]
A
I mean, I'll take 80 in a heartbeat. You want to be 81? I don't want to be 81.
- [59:16]
B
So do you not know a lot of people in their early 80s?
- [59:19]
A
Because I, they don't do anything. They do the crossword puzzle.
- [59:23]
B
Jim Brooks just finished writing and directing another movie that's coming out in December. Okay. I'm just going to keep mentioning the same people over and over again and mostly Brooks's. So yeah, A few good men. 92.
- [59:43]
A
Sure.
- [59:44]
B
That's when I went from auditioning to getting offered.
- [59:46]
A
Yeah.
- [59:46]
B
And I've been insanely fortunate to continue to get offers since then. So that's 33 years.
- [59:54]
A
Yeah.
- [59:54]
B
And you know, in the 90s as a standup when someone says I have stage time, do you want it? The answer is yes. You're in your car as you're saying yes.
- [60:04]
A
Yeah.
- [60:07]
B
So by the time I got to acting, I was used to if there's an offer, the answer is yes. So in the 90s I did 40 movies. I only know that because at the end of the 90s was the end of the millennium. And they put out all the top 100 lists and all the top 10 lists. And I was on the top 10 hardest working actors of the 90s. Wow. Just of the decade. Wow. It was Sam L. Jackson. It was me. And, and, and the qualifications or. Or caveat was you had to have done four movies per year each year of the 90s, which you did. Which is the only reason I know I did at least 40. Wow. Now six of them. Very good.
- [60:52]
A
Okay.
- [60:53]
B
So batting average, not great. But I was this guy. I was a girl who couldn't say no.
- [60:59]
A
Is there one in particular that you regret having done?
- [61:05]
B
What's interesting about the regret is there are still people come up to me and say, I love that movie.
- [61:11]
A
And also you don't know going in if it's going to be good or not ever. Yeah.
- [61:15]
B
No, no, no. Usual Suspects is written by a 25 year old and directed by a 25 year old. They hadn't done anything.
- [61:21]
A
Yeah.
- [61:21]
B
No one famous in the movie, you could argue, because it was only 94, two years after a Few Good Men and Gabriel Byrne just had Miller's Crossing. As brilliant as he was, it was not a huge commercial success that because of A Few Good Men, I was arguably the most well known person in of the Suspect.
- [61:39]
A
Yeah.
- [61:40]
B
But again, only as a character actor, not as a movie star. There were no, there were no bankable people in that movie.
- [61:47]
A
Right.
- [61:47]
B
So there was no reason for that movie to work. None.
- [61:50]
A
Yeah.
- [61:51]
B
If you need any further proof that it's lightning in a bottle, you needn't look further than the fact that Stephen Baldwin's great in the film.
- [62:01]
A
Interesting.
- [62:02]
B
Yeah.
- [62:05]
A
So what is it? And I know you've probably been asked this a million times, but like to have a consistent career like you have.
- [62:11]
B
And I, well, say yes. And I'm not say yes to everything in the 90s.
- [62:14]
A
Well, yeah, but I'm. But I'm not taking away from your talent because you are a craftsman. You're the kind of guy I picture who always knows his lines, who's always 20 minutes early, who takes direction. I mean, you're a pro and then you get this reputation as a pro. But how do you.
- [62:31]
B
It helps to be that.
- [62:33]
A
Yeah.
- [62:34]
B
And class clown on the set.
- [62:37]
A
Oh, really?
- [62:38]
B
I mean, it's built in.
- [62:39]
A
Yeah.
- [62:39]
B
I mean it, you know.
- [62:41]
A
Huh.
- [62:42]
B
I learned actually on A Few Good Men from Rob Reiner also who said these words, if we're not having fun, there's no point of any of this. Which is why the few times I have worked with method actors. I found them horrible to be around.
- [63:00]
A
Yeah.
- [63:02]
B
Because they take all the fun out of the room, out of the air. They end up being some of our greater actors. Sure. But, yeah. So on time. Know your shit. Be prepared and be fun. Be fun. Yeah, Be fun.
- [63:20]
A
For sure.
- [63:21]
B
Yeah.
- [63:22]
A
Now, people talk about. And you haven't had to audition a lot over the years. I'm sure you still do once in a while, right? You just don't audition at all.
- [63:30]
B
No, not that I wouldn't if all the elements were lined up. Greatest director, greatest other co stars, brilliant cinematographer. And this director just reads everyone. I've heard that a couple times over the. Over the years. And, you know, it didn't work out for whatever reason. It wasn't a matter of me saying I refused to audition.
- [63:56]
A
So you haven't auditioned in how many years?
- [63:59]
B
33. That's not completely true. I did offer once for the Usual Suspects at the time. Again from 92. I was getting offers for the first time in my life after A Few Good Men. And so the agent and I would get on the phone once a week and talk about the small stack of scripts that I had to consider.
- [64:20]
A
Yeah.
- [64:21]
B
And he kept saying, there's a script I want you to read called Usual Suspects. And I said, who wrote it? You never heard of him? He's 25. Great. Who's directing it? You never heard of him? He's 25. Why do I have to read the script? Who else is in it? Right now they just have Kevin Spacey. And in 94, nobody was greenlighting Kevin Spacey movies. He was a character actor like myself. And, you know, I said, who else is in? They're putting the cast. Okay, what else? What other scripts should I consider? Okay, we'll move on to the next one. But I really want you. Okay, okay, I'll read it. It took several weeks of him saying that before I finally read it.
- [64:58]
A
Yeah.
- [64:58]
B
I got to page five, reading it, called him and said, I'm in. He said, let me call Brian the director. And he called me back and said, brian is over the moon. He can't believe you want to do it. He's got two parts left. You could have either one.
- [65:10]
A
Why? Really?
- [65:11]
B
Yeah. But he's agreed to read, audition two other actors for one of the parts, and he can't go back on that, but the part's yours. And I said, well, fuck that. I'm not gonna let some other actor come in and blow his mind.
- [65:27]
A
Yeah.
- [65:28]
B
And get the part. So tell him I'll come in.
- [65:31]
A
Yeah.
- [65:31]
B
And I did. And. And the two roles left were the one I played in the one Benicio del Toro played. And so when I met with Brian, I said, well, I don't want to do that one fenced there. Because the only reason he exists. Spoiler alert. Thirty years later, the only reason his character is in the movie is to die. To tell the rest of the suspect, you can't run from Kaiser Soze. He doesn't say anything of import. He doesn't add anything to any scene. And then Bonito came in and stole every scene he's in.
- [65:59]
A
Yeah, right.
- [66:01]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [66:02]
A
Wow.
- [66:02]
B
By the way, he's in two of the best movies of the year for my taste, both directed by an Anderson.
- [66:10]
A
Of this year.
- [66:11]
B
Of this year.
- [66:11]
A
Wes Anderson.
- [66:12]
B
And pta.
- [66:13]
A
And pta.
- [66:14]
B
Have you seen one? It's a perfect film.
- [66:17]
A
It's a perfect film. Yeah, yeah.
- [66:18]
B
And Benito.
- [66:19]
A
Yeah.
- [66:20]
B
The arrest scene alone, Jamie. And I can't stop saying if you had anything to drink, sir. A few. A few what? Sir? He's got his jacket up as he's walking straight line. A few small beers. Yeah, yeah. He's brilliant in both films.
- [66:34]
A
Yeah.
- [66:35]
B
So. Yeah. So. So I auditioned for that in 94 and that was. That was.
- [66:39]
A
Okay.
- [66:39]
B
The last one.
- [66:40]
A
Good. All right. I want to get to fastballs with fits.
- [66:44]
B
Okay.
- [66:46]
A
It is fast.
- [66:50]
B
So don't think, just answer.
- [66:52]
A
Just answer.
- [66:53]
B
I remember this.
- [66:54]
A
Who would you want to play you in your biopic?
- [67:00]
B
Would what age? Sorry, but I don't know any young ones, obviously. So.
- [67:07]
A
Okay, so somebody in. In this range, assuming you're not playing yourself in your bio, which seems like a real affront.
- [67:18]
B
I. That's really tough because it's. It. It is a squat, funny Jew that we're talking about.
- [67:24]
A
And.
- [67:25]
B
And I just don't know that many, you know, because Paul Giamatti. Sure, but he already seems. You know, there was a time when we were. We're probably 10, 11 years in difference.
- [67:36]
A
He's older than. You know. No, no.
- [67:40]
B
See, this is what happens when you come from the right gene pool.
- [67:45]
A
Yeah.
- [67:45]
B
No apology. Monty, for sure. But it's. It's close enough that.
- [67:49]
A
Right.
- [67:49]
B
I should be playing it. I was going to say that the kid who played Danny Aykroyd in the Saturday Night Live movie who also ended up being in this recent movie this year, I think Twinless.
- [68:06]
A
Didn't see it.
- [68:07]
B
He's brilliant beyond belief, really. He plays twins.
- [68:10]
A
Okay.
- [68:11]
B
And the guy who is the other male lead also wrote and directed the film. It's called Twinless. And everyone should find it and see it.
- [68:20]
A
Have you ever lent a.
- [68:22]
B
Can you look up the kid who played Danny Aykroyd in the Saturday Night Live movie, please? Jesus Christ.
- [68:28]
A
Dan Aykroyd in the Saturday Night Live movie.
- [68:31]
B
I feel horrible. Like I've forgotten his name.
- [68:34]
A
Paul.
- [68:36]
B
Nope. I don't feel horrible about forgetting Paul's name. I meant the actor who.
- [68:44]
A
Have you ever lent a lot of money?
- [68:49]
B
Well, obviously it wasn't a lot to me, but it was a lot to them, so. Yes.
- [68:55]
A
And how did that work out?
- [68:57]
B
Never see it.
- [68:58]
A
And you expected to never see it when you lent it?
- [69:00]
B
Yes.
- [69:01]
A
And did it. Did it affect your friendship?
- [69:03]
B
I'd been hipped by others. Dana Carvey started out same time as me in San Francisco, late 70s, doing stand up. And I think he was the one who hit me, too. You're gonna be asked to loan money to friends and family.
- [69:17]
A
So Dana.
- [69:18]
B
It's not a loan.
- [69:19]
A
Dana lent it to the. Or gave it to the same person as she.
- [69:22]
B
No, no, no. Just in life. He said, look forward to this. Yeah, this is gonna happen.
- [69:26]
A
And did it affect the friendship?
- [69:28]
B
No.
- [69:28]
A
Good for you.
- [69:29]
B
Because I knew going in what was gonna happen.
- [69:33]
A
Right.
- [69:33]
B
I wasn't thrilled about it. I had hopes that it would somehow work out for both of us. Well, it worked out for both of us because I got to be, I don't know, magnanimous. Helpful and magnanimous. Until now that I seem to be complaining about it.
- [69:48]
A
You're not? No.
- [69:49]
B
You said.
- [69:49]
A
No, I actually. I find that most people can't maintain the friendship after they. They're not paid back.
- [69:57]
B
So then they don't understand the premise.
- [69:59]
A
Right, right. Yeah.
- [70:03]
B
Thank you. Dylan o'. Brien. Brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.
- [70:06]
A
Next question. Can I borrow ten grand? And when I say borrow, by the way, that was the amount. That's it.
- [70:13]
B
It was.
- [70:13]
A
It's always the amount.
- [70:14]
B
You hit the number.
- [70:15]
A
Then I think about. Sometimes I think about. Because I pay. As of next year, I'll be paying $50,000 a year for health insurance for my family.
- [70:24]
B
Oh, sure, 50,000.
- [70:26]
A
And I just got this operation, cost me 3500. Got a colonoscopy last week, $1700. My daughter got an appendectomy. 4000 out of my pocket.
- [70:37]
B
So what you're saying is these things are not covered by your insurance?
- [70:40]
A
Well, they. I have to pay 25% of the balance.
- [70:44]
B
That's what those numbers were. Yes.
- [70:46]
A
That's the 25% of the balance.
- [70:48]
B
Is that a Writers Guild insurance?
- [70:50]
A
No, Writers Guild is amazing. I would have paid almost nothing if it was writers. I'm going through California Blue Shield. My point being, if I went broke, Joe Rogan and I are very close.
- [71:03]
B
You should go to him.
- [71:05]
A
How much could I.
- [71:06]
B
Million.
- [71:07]
A
Do you think I could ask for the million?
- [71:09]
B
I think his deal was 200.
- [71:10]
A
Because I was thinking about a million. Because if I borrow 100, I'm gonna need another hundred. After two years of health insurance. Why not just get the million up front?
- [71:22]
B
Yeah, yeah. I mean, listen, there's no way to. No quicker, better way to find out just how close of a friend he.
- [71:29]
A
Is and how generous. He's famously generous. Yeah. And ironically, you know who's not? Ellen DeGeneres. Very ironic. If you could learn any skill in the world without trying, which one would.
- [71:50]
B
You learn without trying?
- [71:52]
A
Like, you just have it. You just magically have the skill.
- [71:57]
B
Fly a plane.
- [71:58]
A
Nice.
- [71:59]
B
Yeah.
- [72:00]
A
Yeah.
- [72:01]
B
I like to fly a plane.
- [72:03]
A
Have you?
- [72:03]
B
Nope.
- [72:08]
A
It'd be fun to make the announcement. Even though you. You're the only one on the plane. Tension passengers. Sell. Sell yourself a credit card. You'll get 40,000 points.
- [72:20]
B
I'm just gonna keep going back to A Few Good Men one day. Tom says, you want to ride to work tomorrow? We're gonna shoot in Long Beach.
- [72:26]
A
Yeah.
- [72:27]
B
The whole movie is basically shot on sound stages and calls Culver City. A couple of weeks in Washington, D.C. for the exteriors. Wanted to ride to work tomorrow. We wanted to shoot Guantanamo Bay. When we go visit Nicholson. The Marines read the script and said, yeah, the colonel's a lunatic. I don't think we're going to help you. So we shot a base in Long Beach. You want to ride to work tomorrow, Tom? I appreciate it. I got a car. No, no, no. Show up here. I'll send you the photo. He flew me in a helicopter in 92, so that's before. I think people know that he's a pilot.
- [73:06]
A
Yeah, right. Yeah.
- [73:08]
B
And I was very nervous.
- [73:09]
A
Yeah.
- [73:10]
B
And he didn't do any tricks.
- [73:13]
A
Thankfully, Bill Burr flies up.
- [73:16]
B
Flew Jamie and I to San Francisco Sketch Fest just a handful of years ago.
- [73:20]
A
Build it, he says.
- [73:21]
B
You guys want. I'm gonna fly. I'm gonna. Yeah, you wanna go? Now, here's the crazy thing. First of all, I'm always looking for ways. If I die, it's a story. And Bill would have made it a story. Yes. So when you're on. When you're on a helicopter between LA and San Francisco, I'd driven a million times. That's where I'm from and flown a million times. But the flying in the helicopter, you're between the 5 and the 101, the two big freeways that take you up and down. All right. You're going over topography you've never ever seen, and you're about 15, 500 to 1500ft above ground. Wow. I'm probably somewhere in the window or closer. Closer to 1500, maybe. But anyways, extraordinary. I highly recommend.
- [74:10]
A
Is there air traffic control or you just go by sight?
- [74:14]
B
Yes, there is. When you get close to areas where they go. Control.
- [74:18]
A
Yeah.
- [74:18]
B
And there was a instructor co pilot with Bill.
- [74:22]
A
Okay.
- [74:23]
B
For sure.
- [74:23]
A
Yeah.
- [74:24]
B
This is five or six years ago, so I think he was still needing that.
- [74:30]
A
And you wear headphones, but you can talk to each other.
- [74:32]
B
Exactly.
- [74:33]
A
Is it loud?
- [74:34]
B
Not with the headphones.
- [74:36]
A
Yeah. Sounds lovely.
- [74:37]
B
It's a strange sensation.
- [74:39]
A
Yeah.
- [74:40]
B
Because it's slightly uncontrolled airspace. Yeah. Being that close to the ground, how.
- [74:49]
A
Would you like to die?
- [74:51]
B
Instantly.
- [74:52]
A
Yeah.
- [74:53]
B
I think sleep. You need more than that.
- [74:55]
A
Sleep is nice.
- [74:56]
B
Well, sleep, I think is on every one.
- [74:58]
A
But it sounds like you want a little bit of a story.
- [75:02]
B
That I'll never be able to tell, but that someone else will tell.
- [75:05]
A
Yes. Something good at the memorial.
- [75:07]
B
As my birthday approached last week, I did finally have the thought, but. I've left my mark.
- [75:18]
A
Yeah.
- [75:19]
B
I think at some point in a life, there becomes the awareness and the interest. I'd like to leave a mark of some kind. Leave a better space than when I found it. Sure. But I'd like to leave some sort of mark of my efforts as a career choice behind. And I finally dawned on me, based on your research, it should have dawned on me a few years ago, that the work will live on.
- [75:46]
A
I think the work will live on. And your reputation as a guy who is kind, who is good to work with, who is fun to work with, that. That is just as significant.
- [75:57]
B
Well, bless you for saying so.
- [75:58]
A
All right.
- [75:59]
B
Yeah.
- [75:59]
A
Well, listen, thanks for being on the podcast.
- [76:01]
B
Are we done with the fact that.
- [76:03]
A
Feels like a. I was gonna ask one or two, but that felt like a nice button.
- [76:07]
B
Okay. You know, and then I ruined it by asking her. Is that really it?
- [76:11]
A
Well, there's so much of your stuff I'm gonna edit out.
- [76:16]
B
I mean, this is gonna be 20 minutes.
- [76:17]
A
It's 20 minutes.
- [76:18]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My pleasure.
- [76:20]
A
Don't forget, watch Tulsa King Season 3.
- [76:23]
B
I go back to work in a couple of weeks on season four.
- [76:26]
A
And also you will be reffing the Heritage Classic between Edmonton Oilers and Montreal Canadiens next week. Thank you.
- [76:35]
B
Pleasure. Dunk it up.
- [76:37]
A
God bless.