Luis J. Gomez: Fighting, Skankfest & Surviving Comedy

Summary

Fitzdog Radio Podcast Summary

Episode: Louis J. Gomez: Fighting, Skankfest & Surviving Comedy
Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: Louis J. Gomez
Date: May 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively, uncensored episode, comedian and festival creator Louis J. Gomez sits down with Greg Fitzsimmons for a hilariously honest conversation about comedy, fighting (both literal and metaphorical), relationships, sex addiction, Skankfest, parenting, and the business of standup. Known for his brutal candor, Louis opens up about his personal life, his approach to adversity, running successful ventures, and shares wild stories from the road and the stage. Together, they riff on everything from masturbation and porn to festival politics, cancel culture, and surviving in the comedy industry with your integrity (and humor) intact.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Relationships & Real-Life Renegade

• On Dating Younger Women:
  Louis recounts dating a 24-year-old gymnast at age 44, enjoying the fun but realizing their life stages didn’t match.

  "She was super cool, but you know, she was young...I'm 44. It was too much." (12:51)

• Breakups & Personal Growth:
  Louis is ready for substance in his partnerships, not toxicity:

  "I’ll never be in a thing where I'm, like, arguing with a girl...I need a partner I'm going to be able to grow with." (13:35)

• Memorable, Crazy Public Fights:
  Recalling a public blowout with ex Kim Congdon after a UFC event—running from her through Brooklyn with NYPD laughing at him:

  "Puerto Rican girl trying to box me out...I find a group of cops, I was like, guys, please...They started laughing at me and cheering her on." (15:23)

2. Fighting—From Boxing to Skankfest

• Boxing with Comedians:
  Louis sparred with comedian Nina Karufa (who wears a hijab), showing her picture with a bloodied lip.

  "Dude, I laid one on her, dude. I’ll show you the picture...She posted a picture of her bloody lip." (16:34)

• Annual Boxing at Skankfest:
  Skankfest features live boxing matches between comics, which Louis says are more show than war:

  "Nobody’s trying to kill each other. We’re just trying to put on a good show." (50:09)

3. Skankfest: DIY Comedy Festival Success

• The Origin and Vibe:
  Skankfest is a festival by comics, for comics—no industry gatekeepers, just diehard fans and performers:

  "At Skankfest, you’re the industry...In fact, this year they’re doing no free industry passes. They have to buy tickets if they want to come." (45:53)

• Respect Among Fans:
  Unique culture: audience abides by no-phones policy, even during events like the Naked Roast or when big stars drop in.

  "We don’t even have to lock up phones—we say, hey, there’s no phones...Not a single person pulled out their phone." (48:09)

• Plans for This Year:
  New guests, improved logistics, return of crowd favorites (boxing, Naked Roast, Ms. Skankfest):

  "A lot of tricks up our sleeve...Eric Andre, Christina P, 170 comics...on the water on the Mississippi River." (46:47)

4. Comedy, Adversity, and the Industry

• Avoiding Fake Networking:
  Louis talks about discomfort and inauthenticity at industry events contrasted with the supportive Skankfest environment.

  "If I barely know you and I smile at you...just so you know, I’m being fake." (55:03)

• DIY Entrepreneurial Path:
  Louis runs multiple businesses and was never comfortable playing by traditional showbiz rules.

  "I was never good at playing the industry game...So I started my own festival, my own podcast network, tour management company...Were buying a comedy club." (56:15)

• Influences & Comic Hierarchies:
  On the evolution of comic styles—many NY comics echo Dave Attell, now the new gen imitates Shane Gillis/Austin scene.

  "Me, Big J, Metzger, Dave Smith...just doing a tell...Now all the young comics sound like Shane." (52:56/53:17)

5. Sex, Masturbation, and Comedy’s Taboos

• Porn Escalation & VR:
  Confessions about watching VR and trans porn, discussing the escalating nature of stimulus.

  "VR porn rules. It'll ruin regular porn for you." (31:28)
  "I watched trans sex for the first time because I'd seen literally everything...but I couldn't finish." (30:48)

• Outrageous Hotel Stories:
  Joys of masturbating in hotels, jizzing on sheets, and tipping the maid ($5 a day):

  "I’ll jizz on myself and use the sheets to wipe it up...She should assume everyone's jizzing on the sheets." (22:40, 23:00)

• Addiction & Regret:
  Louis admits being a sex addict, losing count of partners, and sometimes regretting encounters.

  "I'm a little bit of a sex addict to this day, I think. Trying to get to the bottom of that, you know?" (38:43)

6. Fatherhood & Self-Growth

• Parenting a 13-Year-Old:
  Louis is “strict” in monitoring his son’s access to porn, lies about surveillance apps to keep him in check:

  "I told him early on his phone...I can see anything he's doing. Which was just a lie." (34:11)

• Contrasting Upbringings:
  Despite his own traumatic family background (mom a drug addict, dad murdered), he set practical, progressive goals as a parent.

  "By the time my son's four, I wanted to have nice things...first time I had a nice apartment, started making cash...You step back and go, I was just setting too small of a goal." (65:49/66:09)

7. Business Hustle & Fitness

• Financial Success:
  Multiple income streams, investments, and new ventures (including bodybraincoffee.com):

  "Started a coffee brand...bodybraincoffee.com. It's functional coffee, supports testosterone." (57:31)

• On Staying Fit:
  Weight has fluctuated (195–350 lbs), now focuses on low-carb/keto and working out:

  "I've been 350 pounds and I've been 195. I know the answer...cut out carbs." (60:08/59:35)

8. Resilience, Adversity & Philosophy

• Combat Mentality Applied to Life:
  Taking lessons from jiu jitsu to manage challenges—identify the solution and calmly execute:

  "In jiu jitsu...the process: protect your neck, tuck your chin, wrists...You don’t flail. What’s the next step here?" (68:01/69:32)

• On Failure:
  Sales background taught him failure is necessary; every “no” gets you closer to a “yes.”

  "The failures have to happen. Sometimes you gotta fail...The most successful person failed over and over and over again." (70:53/71:19)

• Goal Setting:
  Encourages thinking big and setting actionable, ambitious goals—don’t settle for just scraping by.

  "You have to think a lot bigger and treat your goal like you have to hit it...train your mentality." (66:23)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On breakups and maturity:
  “I’ll never be in a thing where I'm, like, arguing with a girl...I need a partner I'm going to be able to grow with.” – Louis J. Gomez (13:35)

• On public fights:
  “I have this Puerto Rican girl trying to, like, box me out. So I ran. I literally ran from her. She's chasing me through the streets of Brooklyn.” – Louis J. Gomez (15:22)

• Advice for goal-setting:
  “If you step outside yourself and were giving yourself advice...you probably have the exact answers. We just don’t do it.” – Louis J. Gomez (60:37)

• On industry hypocrisy:
  “If I smile at you and I act like I’m happy to see you, just so you know I’m being fake. I don’t care about seeing you.” – Louis J. Gomez (55:03)

• On Skankfest’s uniqueness:
  “We don’t even have to lock up phones—we say, hey, there’s no phones...Not a single person pulled out their phone.” – Louis J. Gomez (48:09)

• On adversity and success:
  “I grew up in a really fucked up situation...The idea of making money in my life, owning a house...was an impossibility...That was what rich people did.” – Louis J. Gomez (69:34)

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Timestamps to Key Segments

• [11:39] – Louis J. Gomez’s wildest reputation and the “renegade” persona
• [15:22] – The Kim Congdon chase and NYC cop reaction
• [16:34] – Boxing female comics; fighting stories from the gym
• [34:00] – Louis on parenting and monitoring his son’s internet
• [38:40] – Sex addiction confession, sexual regrets, stamina talk
• [45:48] – Skankfest as a true fan/comedian event, not industry
• [50:09] – Skankfest boxing: not about hurting, just showmanship
• [60:53] – Life advice, answering your own problems, “protect your neck”
• [65:49] – Parenting, setting goals, building a life of plenty
• [69:34] – Resilience, adversity, and combatting mental obstacles
• [72:03] – On failure, embracing the “no” in sales, rejection in entertainment
• [78:17] – Craziest fistfight story (Big J pulled offstage)
• [81:54] – Views on specials, writing, and letting go of pressure

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Standout Skankfest Anecdotes

• Wildest Moments: Woman grabs Louis’s gay friend’s crotch on the street, just to “check” if he’s gay. (43:48)
• Naked Roasts & Miss Skankfest: Fans so loyal they self-police phones; contestants challenge each other to boxing. (49:51)
• Louis as Boxer & Organizer: Boxes at his own festival, keeps things fun and safe, not truly violent. (50:09)

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Takeaways & Final Thoughts

Louis J. Gomez solidifies his reputation as a comic’s comic—tough, self-made, fiercely independent, and always looking for the bigger picture. While the episode is packed with outrageous, NSFW comedy and sex talk, it’s grounded by moments of introspection, actionable life advice, and business savvy. His journey through adversity to comedy success, creating his own platforms and refusing to play by Hollywood rules, offers inspiration with no sugarcoating.

For fans of comedy and those curious about the reality of grinding out a place in the industry without the filter, this episode provides a hilarious, honest, sometimes crude, but deeply authentic window into the mind and life of Louis J. Gomez.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

Focus features in Blumhouse Obsession. When I have a crush on a

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

guy no one knows, Be careful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wish Nikki loved me more than

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

anyone in the entire world.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who you wish for? Obsession is 96% fresh on rotten Tomatoes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love you so, so, so, so much.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's blood soaked nightmare fuel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What kind of spills you put on her?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You have been warned. Obsession. Rated R under 17. Animated without parent only theaters May 15th with special engagements in Dolby Amaz.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jeff versus taco truck. Salsa. Whether it's verde roja or the orange

[Louis J. Gomez]

one, for Jeff, trying any salsa is

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea and milk. Habanero.

[Louis J. Gomez]

More like habanero. Yes. Save the Everyday with Amazon. Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney. Let's go get ready for a new case. We're gonna crack this case and prove we're victorious partners of all time. New friends.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You are Gary the Snake and your last name Desnake.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dream team. New habitats.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Zootopia has a secret reptile population.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can watch the record breaking phenomenon at home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're clearly barking at Zootopia 2. Now available on Disney.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Rated PG.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hi, welcome to the show. I'm here at the Green Lab Studios in beautiful Beverly Wood, California. It's a place where if you're on your way to something that's happening, you might go through Beverly Wood. If you get lost heading for something really cool, you might end up in Beverly Wood. But that's why we wanted to keep a low profile. I'm not even gonna tell you where it is. Anyway. Netflix is a Joke is happening this week in Los Angeles. And it's a little bit like I feel like a caterer at a celebrity wedding. Like I know it's going on. It's right in front of me. I am not. I actually did go to something. I did a couple things I guess I should start with. I did Tuesdays with Stories with Mark Norman and Sam Morrell. And they had me and Bill Burr and Shaheen and Fahima Noir on the as guests and at the Improv. So much fun. Just me and Bill Burr just fucking screaming at each other with thick Boston accents. And the crowd was loving it. It was very fun. Fahim didn't talk much and so Mark started shitting on him for not talking. And I have been in that place on a podcast. I've been on live group podcasts where if you don't get something in early, that's good you suddenly just feel like a caterer at a celebrity wedding. And so it happened to me on Kill Tony once, and I just sat there, and they started making jokes about me not talking. And once they do that, now you're really not talking. Now it's like, you know, the. The. The. The varsity football team snapping fucking towels at you in the locker room. And then you get an erection because it turns out you like them. And then you try to wrestle a guy, and they're like, hey, what the fuck is wrong with you? And then they kick you off. Anyway, so that was fun. And then I did. What else did I do? Uh. Oh, I went to the big party. Ted Sarandos, who runs Netflix, had this big party at his house. And to call it a house is a gross understatement. It is. Picture the house that somebody who runs Netflix would have and double it. Huge lawn, like a football field with a tent on it. Catered lunch. Not that good. Food was not that good. Now I was shocked at how mediocre the food was. Sorry, Ted, but I don't care, because I wasn't invited. I went as a plus one. I was. I was somebody's date. Louis CK Went, and he asked me to go with him. And so I got my Mustang waxed, I picked him up, and we drove into the party. And it was pretty cool until you get there and you see earthquake getting out of a Rolls Royce the size of a tank, and you're like, oh, look at my piddly little Mustang. So we get there, and, I mean, it is literally a who's who of the greatest comedians alive today. Eddie Murphy is standing there next to me. David Letterman, Kevin Hart, Jon Stewart, Dave Chappelle. I mean, it was nuts. And then on top of that, like, all of my homies were there, you know, like Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer and Tom Papa and Fortune Feimster and Nikki Glazer. And I hung out with Chelsea Handler, who I'm good friends with. And it was just like. I thought it was going to be a lot of, like, you know, landmines of people you had to avoid and, like, a lot of industry. But there wasn't a lot of industry. It was really almost just comedians. A lot of laughter. Chris Rock was going on a tear about. About Diddy parties, which was very funny. But anyway, so here's the funny part. So Ted gets up to make a speech, and, you know, I'm standing by this bar, and I'm talking to Tom Segura, and then you Hear Ted Saranis go, thanks for coming today. This is a big day. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm looking around, I don't know where he is. I'm looking over on the other side of the lawn, and then I look up and I realize he's like 12ft from me on this little podium and he's talking to everybody. And now I'm right there and. And there's people. And I look in front of me to the left and there's. There's nobody there, but Tom Segura is standing next to me. And I just assume there's, you know, a gathering of people directly behind me. So the speech goes on for like I'm. I'm like eight minutes into the speech and I'm saying to myself, why the fuck does Ted Sarandos keep looking directly at me? Like, do I have some. Is there something on my face? Or like he keeps looking at me during this speech. And so eventually I look to my right and Sagura's fucking gone. And then I look behind me and nobody's behind me. And I realize I'm the only person on the dance floor. There's nobody within 12ft of me. And I'm standing in front of us. So I just turn around and I walk away and I. And. And Sagura's standing at the bar, fucking tears coming down his face, laughing at how awkward I looked at. Cuz I was standing there. I didn't know I was crossing my arms, I was uncrossing, hand in a pocket, trying to look cool in case anybody. Oh my God. What. What an embarrassment. But no goodie bag, no fucking gift bag? What? Are you kidding me? No gift bag? I mean, I really like. It was one of the things I was thinking going to is like, oh, this is going to be sweet. And then they have a group photo where there's about a hundred comedians that are invited and I'm a plus one. And it's kind of a famous group photo. They do whatever they've been. This festival's going for like four years, and they do this big group photo every year. And I'm like, all right, am I in the photo? Because I'm not invited. I'm a plus one. And so then Santino is like, fuck you, man. And he grabs me and he pulls me into the picture. And I'm standing up there, I'm standing next to Theo Vaughn, Dane Cook, and Ken Jong. Is that how you. Not Ken Jong? Sounds like Kim Jong Il, doesn't it? Anyway, so that. And that felt Every second I was standing there was like, you know, like, it was like bleachers. And somebody was standing on the bleachers on the other side. And the bleachers collapsed. It was only about 4ft, but it was an overweight comedian. I'm not going to say who it was. And it was. It was a. It was a pretty good laugh. But the crazy thing is, it took 15 minutes. And the photographer is directing everybody. Find the camera, blah, blah, blah. For 15 minutes. The biggest comedians in the business are there not one fucking person yells out a joke during that time. Isn't that crazy? And it makes you realize what Netflix is, is. It's not the life of the party. It's not the Pied Piper. It's not. It's just a corporation that everybody needs to be on. You know, it's the network. There's like, nobody cares about being on any other network except Netflix at this point. And Ted was up there talking about how many Emmys and Grammys the Netflix comedians have won this year. And I'm like, I don't think that you own the comedians. Anyway, I'm not going to get into it, because who knows if I'm going to get a special at some point and this clip's going to come back to haunt me. But what are you going to do? There's always YouTube, baby. All right, speaking of stand up, I'm going to be coming to you live. Boston, Massachusetts. Laugh Boston on May 29th and 30th. That will sell out. Get your tickets now. Rochester, New Hampshire, at the Opera House, June 5th. That will not sell out. So bring friends. Agunquit, Maine, Jonathan's, June 6th. Gonna be a little elbow room with that one, too. St. Pete's at the Joke World Comedy Festival, August 14th and 15th. Then I'm coming to Cincinnati for one night. Columbus, Ohio, for one night. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out, say hi. And now my guest. Oh, my God. This guy is a character if you know, Legion of skanks at All Skank Fest. Anything skanky this guy is related to. He's dirty, he's violent, he's unpredictable. I don't know what's gonna happen on the podcast. He's on his way over here. He got up this morning to box to fight before coming on my podcast, so I'm a little intimidated. Um, what else do you know him from? He was on Jim Gaffigan Show. He was on that. In that film 4th of July with. With Joe List. And he's here he's here today. He'll be here in a minute. So please welcome my conversation with the great Louis J. Gomez. My guest today is Louis off the often mispronounced Louis J. Gomez. Sometimes people say Luis, they say Louise, they say Louie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Faggot, pussy, rapist, racist.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have they called you a rapist?

[Louis J. Gomez]

A couple gals, yeah. I don't believe, but that just turns me on, honestly. Yeah. I always go after crazy, but they're like, people, like, don't hook up with her, dude. She accuses people of rape all the time. I was like, yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that'll give me some hits. That'll give me some traction on the Internet. Now, I know you're a good man. And I met. I. I hate. I always hesitate to say I met your girlfriend, because you never know if a guy is just on the road with a girl and maybe he's got a girlfriend at home.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We broke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you didn't really.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, she was smoking hot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she was hot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And a dancer, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Cool chick. Well, you're thinking of a different. So you're thinking of the. Think of the last girlfriend. You definitely met the last girlfriend. In the green room. In the mothership.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then the one before that was a professional dancer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. The one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They're both hot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The mothership.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's a gymnast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Something interesting. Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gymnast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I remember thinking to myself, Lewis not only gets a 10, but she's also capable of doing sexual things that I've only seen on 35 millimeter film.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah,'70s now. Yeah, she. She was super cool, but, you know, she was young. Was a big, big age difference. She was 24. I'm 44.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Throw that on top of the gym. Gymnastics.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it was too much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She was, you know, she's awesome. Great chick, but it's like I get up at like 7 in the morning. I'm like trying to, like, get my day going. She's like eating Doritos, waking up at 1.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Were you living together?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, no. But she was. She was visiting a lot and she. She was from outside of Philly. She would drive to me and she was. Literally. We never fought. Like, we had one fight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just to add to the fact that she's 24, she's a gymnast, she's smoking hot. She also doesn't live in the same city, which is another positive benefit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm looking to, like. I'm looking to, like, settle down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't want to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't want, like, you know, I'm. I need a. I need a partner that I'm going to be able to, like, grow with. I'm trying to level up in every way and, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's what's funny about you is you have this reputation as this renegade and this philander and homosexual. No, but, like, all, like, nothing. But. But. But in truth, like, I don't know you that well, but. But this. The energy I always get from you is that you actually are. Are looking for depth in your relationships. Yeah, and, yeah, I am.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. Look, I'm very busy. I've always have a lot going on. I don't just podcast or do stand up. I run a lot of businesses behind the scenes as well. So, yeah, you know, you know, if, you know, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I didn't want to waste her time. She was great. And, you know, she's got a, you know, a lot of stuff going on for herself and that's that, you know, nobody feel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nobody feels sorry for you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, no, nobody does. I just also, like, I'm not. I'll never be in, like, a toxic relationship again. I'll never be in a thing where I'm, like, arguing with a girl or, like, worrying about, like, I'm just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the most public argument you've had with a girl?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me and Kim Kong. You know Kim Congdon?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kim's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She dated her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we dated for a few years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

And, yeah, she. We would fight. I mean, we had, like, really, like, crazy public. Like, one time we got out of a UFC event in Brook, Brooklyn. She was drunk, and I guess her phone died or my phone died. We couldn't find each other. We finally found each other. We had a massive fight. She's trying to, like, fist fight me in front. Like, at the time, I was hosting an MMA podcast with Michael Bisping, was a UFC champion. Like, I was known in this world. And I have this Puerto Rican girl trying to, like, box me out. So I ran. I literally ran from her. She's chasing me through the streets of Brooklyn. I find a group of cops, and I was like, guys, please. I was like, help me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's gonna kill me. And New York cops are such motherfuckers. They started laughing at me and started cheering her on as she chased me. It was insane. It was the most insane thing ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Less than 25 people have their phones.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, of course.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And she is one of my best friends in the world now, but yeah, we had a super.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did she ever physically hit you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, not really. Kind of, yeah. I've never dated a girl who hasn't physically hit me except the past few pesco as I've gotten older. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I always do the thing where I'll make them hit me. Like I. I'll say the thing I know that's going to really get him angry. And then I put my chin out because once they hit me, now I have that over them. I get like, oh, you're hitting me. This is crazy. And then, you know, you want to be. You want to have the upper hand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You hit them back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Real toxicity. Real.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never hit a woman.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. Today I did in boxing, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I sparred with a girl today. Oh, Nina Karufa, who's a funny comic, Muslim chick. She wears the whole. Is that what it's called?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or is that thing on a stick?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sounds delicious. Yeah, dude, she wears a hijab.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, if I chew on your

[Louis J. Gomez]

head, I. Dude, I laid one on her, dude. I'll show you the picture. She posted a picture of her bloody lip. Here, look.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I you not look here. Did you say you did it? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh my God. Dude, you lit her up. So you're laughing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, I'm ready. But it's a girl. I'll swear. I'll do switch dance. Yeah, I'll her up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's girl, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she's good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Go down when you hit her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, but I really, I didn't, I didn't really. I gave her a good one. I really gave her a nice one to deliver. I just, you know, I was giving her little slaps. That's the fun part about boxing with a girl.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, look, with what's going on in Iran right now, I know, like, you gotta step up, say something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I, I told her, I was like, I call, I call my hand the, the Israeli hammer. I just laid it in on her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then you gave her one in the straight of her moose.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Her moose got a little wet after that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The first time any oil has flowed through there in a while. Yeah, so that's fun, fighting girls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't typically box girls, but she, she. She's an amateur boxer, so she wanted to come and train with us today.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What a life. She's. I should have her on the podcast.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she's great. She's awesome. She's super cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Funny.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she's funny. She's. Yeah, she's a firecracker.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn. She's an LA comic?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, she's in New York now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, she's out for the festival?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she's up for the festival.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at the life she's living.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where'd she grow up?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You saw the headrest, headdressing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was asking more questions. I just bit down in my mouthpiece. I was like, let's go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I used to have this joke where I said, you know, it's, it's. It's crazy. Like, there's countries in, in the Middle east where the women can't even vote, which is so fucked up because they're literally dressed as voting booths.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a great joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I did it for a while and then Jon Stewart did it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, he didn't steal it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no. I text him, I go, hey, one of your writers stole my joke.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, one of your writers stole it. But do you think they actually stole it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I know they did.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Pieces of shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know it was word for word.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then. But that's happened to me over the years. Like the Tonight show writers, they got sticky fingers. Yeah, Yeah. I used to do this whole thing on my podcast, this liars poker set up. I mean, I say, not that different from Story wars, but. But it had a bunch of spins on it and they did it exactly the way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How story words do you guys do it last night?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we've done it every night at the festival or for the past three nights. We have a fourth one tonight. It's been killer. Dude, we had Lovett's on last night. Lovett's is the funniest person I've ever met in my entire life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Famous for lying.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, he's so funny. Dude, he was just so in the moment, like, just doing his thing. Like, he's like, I don't even know why I'm here. It's so good, dude. He was great. That was my favorite episode we did at the festival.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was really good. Who else was on was kind of a couple, like, not as well known people. Ben Avery, who's like a podcaster, used to be Tim Dillon's producer. He's kind of blowing up now. And then we had Robert Oberst, who's a strong man, but also like an actor. He's in a bunch of stuff, you know, big six foot six, just giant beast. So, yeah, we, we. So, John, one who won? No, no, wait. I don't want to spoil it, actually.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right, right, right. Last time you were in La. I did it and I won.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you were great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's my mom. Hold on. Say hi to my mom. Hey, Mom. Hey, Greg. Thank you for my gorgeous roses. A little Mother's Day two days early. See that? That's. That's your best child. That is your very best. Yes. Either that or your child that saved $15 by not having it delivered on actual Mother's Day. That's right. I'm going to spend that on you next time we go out to dinner. I'm going to get you a brownie sundae. Maybe I could get shrimp. No, that's not. Go that far. Then you'd have to get. Then you'd have to get the flowers on Tuesday. All right, I gotta go. I'm doing a podcast, but I love you. Love you. Bye. Bye.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very sweet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's funny. You hear the Bronx accent? Yeah, yeah, she's. She, she's. It really comes out when she's drinking. It's hilarious. Her and her sisters, I mean, it's just like sod. Everything is sod.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where were you from? Brooklyn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I was born in Jersey, then I lived in. In New York for like 20 years. Then I'm back in Jersey now. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus. How do you go back to Jersey after New York?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jersey rules.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jersey sucks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love it, dude. I love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got a pool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, well, that's. Got a backyard couple.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got a dog, a basement, a gym.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the one thing I want, is a base because that's all leisure. Yeah, that's like that. That's your fantasy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm taking off the second half of July and all of August, six weeks just chilling by the pool in the backyard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Doing nothing, Right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nothing. My kid's gonna be off of school. We're gonna just hang out. I think we're going a little vacation, but. Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tell me about the basement. What do you got?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got. I got a little gym set up down there. That's it. You know, leg press, hack, squat machine, cable machine. Bunch of. Bunch of dumbbells.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What if you get injured down there alone? How are you upstairs?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I'm fine. It's fine. I'm an old man. I don't like. It's not like I'm pumping iron like that, you know, I'm like. I lift like an old man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm in my. The twilight years at this point. You know, you cross a certain threshold where you're like, oh, yeah, I'm. Best case scenario, halfway to death, right? You kind of go like, ah, you know what? That. It's almost, like, calming. You're like, oh, yeah, you know what? I'm gonna die soon. It sounds incredible. I'm not religious, so, like, the idea of death, I'm like. I get to go to sleep and not wake up. It sounds.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, I fantasize about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I took a nap yesterday for two hours. It was the best part of my year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Give me the opportunity to die.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

H. Dude, what about a masturbation into a nap on an afternoon? We have nothing to do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God, dude, you don't even clean yourself up. Just this. The best part of the hotel, last day, I just start jizzing on the sheets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you mean? Like, you roll over and jizz?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I'll just. I'll jizz on myself, and I'll use the sheets to wipe it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then sleep in those sheets later.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why not? It's my last day. Wow. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you tip the maid? Generally?

[Louis J. Gomez]

$5 a day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

$5 a day?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

More refuges on the sheets.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, that's what she gets. She should assume everyone's jizzing on the sheets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a good bad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you can. Yeah. You know, I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You ever get the couple next door having sex and you got those doors that connect you and you can hear everything?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of course. I press my ear right to the door. I'm. I'm telling you right now, I'm like a psycho, though. Like, I'm like an old Karen. Like, make noise.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, in the hallway. Like, my door opens up and I, like, look at you. And, like, I found another trick. Like, you. If somebody's making noise, like, in another room, which happens a decent number in hotels a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can just call their room and pretend to be the front desk. You don't have to even call the front desk. You just be like, hey, you know, we're getting a lot of complaints about you guys. Easiest way, cut out the middleman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was once in a hotel, and it was. You ever work Portland Helium?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They have a hotel they put you in that's like a semicircle. So I'm on one end and I look across, and I can see in this room across from it, there's a couple, and they're having sex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, it's like, where the. The. There's, like, windows, like, around. Like in a. Around. Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it's a half circle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I could see in the window. And this couple is. They're going at it, and I did that. I called. I called the room and. And they answered. And I was like. I was. I was coaching them through it. Actually laughed. And then they closed the curtain.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But voyeurism is one of my real pleasures in life. More you like to watch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You like to watch or you like to be watched?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, just anytime I've been able to, like. I had one apartment in New York. I lived on 16th street, and across the way was a woman with a big plate glass window. It was craziest thing. She was young and beautiful, and she would come home from work every day at about 5, 15. 15. She would take a shower, and then she'd walk around the apartment naked. And it wasn't like, maybe people are looking. She's across from an apartment building.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She knew she wanted it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I used to watch, and I was like. I would. I would close the curtains because I didn't want any light in my room.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then I put my head.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, now you're making it a problem. You just watch. She wants you to watch. You don't have to. You have to be a creep in it in order to. To be able to get off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I felt like a Cameraman from the 1930s, just, like, with the curtain around me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. We would go on rooftops in New York City, and if you just stand up there long enough, eventually you'll see people in a window.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Binoculars?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, not even that much. Right outside of the. The old Laugh Factory in New York. It became like, the Times Square Art Center. It was kind of the shittiest, you know, time corner, 42nd and 8th. Yeah, it's a whole, like, you know, the whole row where it used to be, like, strip clubs. That whole area right by Port Authority is, like, pretty grimy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They tried to, like, bring it back, but it never really became there for a long time. Yeah, yeah, Right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And the bathroom at that comedy club, specifically, like, it was upstairs. There was windows in the stalls, like, literally in the female bathroom. So we would just stand outside of it smoking cigarettes, just watching girls piss all night between spots. We. The spots were. We were like, like, I gotta go to a spot. We have to run and do 15 minutes, run back out. Like, did I miss anything? And it's just girls.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Amazing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did that. Did you then go further down that road online? Did you find, like. Did women pissing start to become a thing for you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, sometimes, yeah, but not really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Has anyone ever urinated on you just in the shower?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but if a girl's hot enough. It's. I'm more like. If a girl. What if a girl's really into it? If there's some hot chick and she was like, I want to piss in your mouth?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'd be like, okay, let's do it. But I wouldn't be like, there's no part of me that wants a hot chick to piss in my mouth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Does that make sense?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it does if you don't have any open cuts, you know?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, imagine catching some and having

[Louis J. Gomez]

to tell the dog, did you catch something from piss?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you kidding me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course. You.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What does piss carry?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hep C. Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I think you're just making that up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did, but I guess if one of my producers could look it up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Can you get an STD from piss?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can you get an STD from piss? I wonder.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I highly doubt it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what's weird is you can get it from your wife.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, I got chlamydia from my wife? Is that weird? I don't know. I mean, we don't cheat on each other.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What? It just happens sometimes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like. So she told me, it's like. You know how there was the virgin birth.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like that God gave her chlamydia.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Immaculate chlamydia.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can get hep C from bears.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Syphilis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but you're gonna do syphilis for having regular sex, too, so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, syphilis is the one you don't want. I think that one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't think you want any of them, really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. But, like, gonorrhea. I got gonorrhea when I was in high school, and it was one shot. One penicillin shot in the. In the. And it took 24 hours and it was gone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One time I got a text message, and there's a service, right. Which is a great thing you could do to your friends. You essentially say, I want to anonymously tell somebody. They gave me an st. And then you get a text and it's like, hey, this is a service. You know, somebody said you. You know, they had an STD and you should get tested.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Then I start freaking out. Now I'm assuming to this day it was Ari Shafir, but naturally, yeah. But I freaked out so that I didn't even go to the doctor. I just went on to, like, one of these, like, on. You go online and, like, do, like, a. An online. It's like a website. And they just sent me all of the drugs for all the things that I could have had, and I just took them all and that was that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And nobody ever paid off the joke and asked you about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, but I just did it to Big J. Then I was like, oh, I didn't. It was the best gift ever. It would have been worth having chlamydia because now I know that I can do that to my friends.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's brutal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. If any was watching this podcast, do it to your friend and then tell him, but videotape you telling your friend. Or her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, or her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think women get more venereal diseases than men do because their organ is internal and it takes the fluids in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, Nasty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Nasty vagina, I love it. But it is a nasty little organ. It's all open. It's like. It's so clinical. Like, it looks like an alien mouth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it looks like an alien mouth that's got bushes around. Like, the bush is so weird.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because then it goes from scraggly to soft. Soft to wet, and then it's kind of acidic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the urine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, the. The vagina is a weird looking. And there's a lot of variation in vagina as well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've been with girls that are just long lips.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a gross thing. Ladies, if you have long lips. Just so you know, we all think it's disgusting no matter what. Like, I know, like, like, like, you know, they have like labiaplasty.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Do it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We talk about it behind your back. We tell everyone. Like, it was just. It's like alien tentacles. It's. It's rancid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. And. And then you get. It's like the vagina is almost like. It's like the window of a hotel room. You have like shades and curtains and blinds. It's all like folding over each other. And then you gotta. You gotta get in there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus. Meanwhile, the. Just two little tight.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Boom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right in there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, sure, you know, you got to look at some balls, but that's. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you don't have to look. I mean, that's the thing about. I watched trans sex for the first time recently.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I watched it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because I'd seen literally everything on the Internet. It was like watching Netflix. It was like, I've seen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I gotta try. I gotta try it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I gotta try a new. Who are you jerking down? I was, but I couldn't finish. Couldn't close.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I would try to jump start it. Like, then I would go back to the other window that had Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which was a man and a woman. And I would get going again. And then I flip over to the trans one and see if I could close.

[Louis J. Gomez]

See if you can close it so

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I could springboard it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it just kept.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just for the experience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Have you done virtual reality porn?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, can we. I'll order you an oculus right now. I'm dead ass. We. You gotta try it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's the best.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you use one of those pocket rockets? What do they call them?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, no. That's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I gotta. I'm walking around the house with virtual reality goggles on, naked, with my kid in the other room. I can't also have a pocket now. VR porn rules. It's. It'll ruin regular porn for you. Yeah, dude, the best thing is, like, you'll have like, five chicks and one of them will whisper in your ears, like. Like, you're so hot. Yeah. You're in this ear and like, there's like, wind and there's like. Dude, it's. It's pretty cool. It's pretty sick. I'm not even into porn as much as I used to be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sounds like you're finding your way back in, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's. Well, that's. Honestly, I think virtual reality porn kind of ruined porn for me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because it. You know, now I watch flat. I call it flat porn. When I watch flat porn, I'm just like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, if I'm gonna. If I'm at a pinch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, we used to look at magazines when we were teenagers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I mean, not a lot of them. I had like, three magazines, literally. The under the Mattress magazine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I had a dry. I had like a drop ceiling. So I would keep it up there. My mom didn't know about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I had that. I had magazine up there. We had a magazine that we kept in the woods.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. There was always one of the woods.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One in the woods that all those neighborhood kids knew about. It's like, nobody take it out of there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And. Yeah, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But my girls, I got to know them well.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they had interviews with them, and I'd read the interviews to get to know them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. It's gayer than me watching transport.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you've watched it too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's pretty gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the thing is, is. Is it more gay or less gay than gay porn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Less gay than gay porn?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, unquestionably.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. There's tits if they're. If they're. If they're post op, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Pre op is pretty crazy, right? Also, like, virtual reality point. I've done it. I've just clicked up, like, let me see what's going on. Virtual reality.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Trans. Virtual reality aggressive. Something else goes in your ear.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not whispering. You're so hot. Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Brutal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That would be brutal.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, in flat porn, trans women could look pretty hot. Dude. Once you get virtual reality world, you start to see, like, the little stubbles. You start to see, like, the veins. It's a little bit much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So tell me about your son. What's weird about. Because I have a son is that, you know, they're looking at this stuff on their phone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't think he is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How old is he now?

[Louis J. Gomez]

13. But I check his. I check his here and there. Not often anymore. I kind of. I give him his privacy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You may want to start backing off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, no, exactly. But he, like, I. I see what he looks at.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What does he look at?

[Louis J. Gomez]

He looks at, like, girls in bikinis and like, he's very, very nice kid. Yeah. I also told him early on that his phone. I have like a window, like an app on my phone that can see anything he's doing on his phone, which was just a lie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I think he's paranoid that I can see what he's doing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But, yeah, he's not. Yeah, he's not really looking at anything weird yet. Which at 13, I mean, dude, I was already completely addicted to porn and jerking off when I was that age. They're just. These kids are different. We were also raising them. Right. I heard your mom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. She. Well, here's the thing about her is. And I think I've told this story on the. On the podcast before, but I'll repeat it. When I first discovered masturbation, I. I had a bed that, you know, we used to have box springs. We had sprint metal springs under the mat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I started jerking off, and it was like, it would make, like a squeak noise, of course. And so I would. I really became like. I became almost like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. Like, I got my legs up on the. The headboard and I arched my back so I was not squeaking very still.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All wrist and. But I. And I thought I was getting away with it, but the TV room was underneath my bedroom. So I come home from school one day and there's three in one oil on my dresser. And she had oiled my box springs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But left the three in one oil there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So you started jerking off with that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like wow, this is better than ky. Way better.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Coconut oil is the way to go, by the way. No coconut oil. Oh my God. Delightful.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you have to fantasize about black people when you do that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not cocoa butter, coconut oil specifically. It's delicious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, very good to know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Perfect viscosity, right? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Does it last?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude. Cuz it's like a solid and then once you're the heat from your hand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You do, you grab it, you go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Makes that sound.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then you do this with it and then it turns into an oil in your hand and then it's great. Just when you're done, sometimes have, you

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

know, grill some shrimp after that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude. It's healthy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sometimes the hotels are doing this thing now where they used to have the little lotion bottle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now they're put, they're, they're, they're locking it to the wall. They have like a big bottle and they lock it to the wall.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's nothing more sad going back to get more lotion while you're already jerking off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because their lotion, it's like too absorbent. It's like low end lotion and you've only, you only get about six minutes before you have to re grease.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. And then also like very often it's like scented.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Weird feeling.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't want any of that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then get to the hotel, go on UberEats, order a small thing of coconut oil. You have it for the weekend. 13 bucks, you're fine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Does the UberEats guy know why he's delivering just that to your room?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I don't know but I've done it plenty of times. Yeah. Yeah. I, I've also, I've jerked off with conditioner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, conditioner is good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Conditioner's pretty decent in the shower.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And also your pubic hair gets a nice shine to it after.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It does. But if you'. Forget like I remember one time I, I jerked off with conditioner and I, I must have been like 20, 21 years old. Right. And I just didn't wash properly. I didn't rinse myself off perfectly. So the conditioner was selling my dick. I go to sleep, I wake up the next day without even remembering like my, it looked like my dick like was like dragon skin. It had like A layer, like, over all of it. And I. I was convinced myself that I caught the craziest std.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I freaked out. I was, like, peeling it off. I thought it was my skin peeling off my dick. It was the most terrifying thing in the world. Wow. So if it'll be like, you're younger. SCDs are, like, the scariest thing. And I've never had an std.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shut up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I swear to God. No chlamydia, no nothing. Nothing ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm having a hard time believing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I swear to God. I would. I would say, why wouldn't I? You know, I just never have. I have no idea how. I've just. I. You know, it's like Frogger just bouncing through traffic and just not getting hit by anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many women do you think you've had sex with in your life? Over a hundred?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Over 300. You think?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. Maybe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You never thought about it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I lost count a long time ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. There was a. There was a time when I was, like, counting, and then it was everyone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You regretted?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. One that I've regretted having sex with. Yeah. I've regretted having sex with a lot of women.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I'm a little bit of a sex addict to this day, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Trying to get to the bottom of that, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So if a woman's dating you, how many times can she expect to have sex in a week?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm, like, a lot. Like, a lot. Like, three, four times a night in the beginning of a relationship.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Three or four times?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. And I feel bad. I'm a fat, sweaty, bald Puerto Rican. I'm just pumping into her. She's gotta, like, pretend to enjoy it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it sucks. Wait, three. You can ejaculate three or four times in a night?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. But if she wants to go to Nobu work,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No goo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's gonna be my mantra.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just can't believe you do that. I mean, I'm. How old are you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

44.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Wait, next 16 years are gonna kick your ass.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

60. And I got sexy. I got a 24 hour. I look. What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You look great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah, you look great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jeez, that's nice to hear. Most people say I look like a turtle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I look. I actually look like a turtle. You see me shave my face, I look just like a turtle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's crazy, but I got a 24 hour clock now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just once, but that'd be nice to, like, just be satisfied. Like, I'm just whatever my libido I still have just, like, a crazy libido.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So do the first two happen pretty quickly?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, how long is the first one take?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just if it's a new, young, hot chick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That sounds really creepy. God damn it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If I'm on an island with a bunch of billionaires, if it's like a

[Louis J. Gomez]

really hot chick, like. Yeah. Pretty quick. Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you mean, like five minutes?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Sometimes less.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then they feel good. They're like, oh, I did that. And then you get hard again. And then they're like, oh, my God, you think I'm so hot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm chewing blue chews.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My blue band around your balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude, I'm. Yeah, I'm an old creep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm proud of you, man. I think that's exciting to get three or four in a night.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What a mess. Jesus. God. So Your son is 13?

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's 13.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sports.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He does jiu jitsu and he. He boxes a little bit, but he's really into Jiu jitsu. He's really. But he's a nerd. He's like musical theater kid, straight A student. Okay, that. You think so, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Musical theater.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, musical theater and straight A's. Ye.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not too many red flags there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got an A, dad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you're not seeing his pouring because he's got a second phone with just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude, he's got a burner for all of his gay. Yeah, no, he's. No, he's. He. He loves girls. He's, like, way in. Yeah, yeah. Got a girlfriend. He's had like three girlfriends already.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Five. Ten.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah, he looks like me if I was good looking. Like, his mom is very good looking. So it's like. It's like my, like. Like, you know, brown skin and kind of my features, but like, a lot more. No, I'm not a bad looking guy, but, I mean, he's, you know, his mom was much better looking than me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got a little of a cauliflower.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is. It's not even from. I did Jiu jitsu for years. But that's not what it's from. It's from when me and Dave Smith, who, you know, has blown up tremendously, Dave's, you know, crushing at the world of politics and. Yeah, we. We used to be roommates when we were, like, 19, and we would just get drunk and stoned and we would wrestle in the living room. We just had like, beer. Beer bottles and blunt wraps and cigarette butts. All of it. And we'd have wrestling tournaments in the living room for, like, a year and a half. We would do jiu jitsu. We didn't know how to do jiu jitsu, but we would just fucking roll around on the floor and. Yeah, I got cauliflower ear from that specifically. Yeah, Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it gives credibility. I think you don't want a full cauliflower ear. No, no, no. Doesn't Shaub have a full year? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a good look, but a little bit of one. Kind of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think the girls like it. I think a girl sees a little cauliflower year, they're like, yeah, that's badass.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or an std. Then they're like, yeah, this guy's. He's been around a little bit. Yeah, I'll take it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. But it's. It's nice having the cauliflower here because you could just, like. You know, if people are talking, he's kind of like, yeah, give them a little look.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you got the X over there, too, on your skin. What is that all about?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's. That's the X from the Skank Fest logo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no. Do I have to get one of those?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you have any tattoos?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I just have this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nice. Let's get you. Let's get you a Legion of Skank statue. You're coming this year. You're on the. You're online?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hell, yeah, man. I can't wait.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's gonna be the best.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I have to say, last year, I went into it a little bit trepidatious because, you know, I used to be just a really. I was like you. I was just a dirty guy with low standards. And I, like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know where you got that, but. Okay. Just like you. I used to be a piece of. With a little dick and a dead mom. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Facial hair that doesn't match.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can't connect it at all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no. But I used to be dark, and I was kind of afraid of going there and something would happen because, like, I've never cheated on my wife. But if you're gonna cheat on your wife, I think it generally happens this gang fest.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But so I go and I. I. So I bought my buddy who's gay, and my. And. And his friend who's a. And we went and I. I immediately knew things were going to be dirty because we're walking down the street, and we got there the first night, and this woman recognizes my friend Tom. He's a Famous author. And she's like, he wrote this book called Chaos about the Manson murders. And he's been on rogue, and he's. He's huge. And she goes, tom o'. Neill. And then she goes, I want to have sex with you. And he goes, well, you're out of luck because I'm gay. And we're on the street and she's with a couple other people. And so she goes, no, you're not, because he doesn't seem gay. And he's like, no, I'm gay. And she's like, no, you're not. And so she reaches down and she grabs his dick, and she starts. She starts massaging it. She's like, we'll see. We'll see if you're gay. And, I mean, it wasn't just a quick rub. She just kept kneading it like it was bread dough. She just kept going and looking at him. Anything is like, nothing. And then her husband was standing there, and her husband looks at me and he goes, she gonna get him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then he had a little bit of a movement, a little child movement.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, he's gay. You know, they're animals.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They can. You can get him in the mood.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that was a pretty manly woman.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that was my introduction to the week. And then we went out and, you know, it was just a fucking great bunch of people. Like, all the comics that you really. The ones you see in the. In the hallway of the club that you light up and you go, oh, good fucking Jay is here. Soda's here. You know, and so. And there was no industry, really. There was, like, a couple agents, but not many, which is such a relief.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sometimes you go to festivals and it's all industry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm here now for Netflix is a joke. And there's all, like, I gotta, like, pretend to like people. I can't do. I hate it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, at Skank Fest, you're the industry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really am.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're in charge.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. But we kind of make it a thing where, like. In fact, I think this year they're doing no free industry passes. They have to buy tickets if they want to come.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I did meet my new ad agent over there. And who else? A couple other. Couple of the cool. They were cool, cool industry people. So what's going to be different this year from last year's Skank Fest? Last year, there was boxing, there was nude, the nude roast. There was a lot of live podcasts. There was the after party at the Barely Legal Club.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What else? What's going to be different this year?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's going to be different this year?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not that you need to upgrade on that. That's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it's always. So it's. It's year one, when we go to a new location, it's figuring it out. Year two, we go like, oh, now we know how to really, like, lay it down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So it's just improvements overall. Every. I mean, it's little things that you probably wouldn't care about, but, like, the bathroom situation was, like, a big complaint for people. But in terms of, like, shows and. And things like that, we have a lot of tricks up our sleeve. A few special guests that we can't announ are going to be huge. A lot of people that have never done it before, like Eric Andre and Christina P. Like, really, we're gonna have some fun people that are. I mean, the lineup is crazy. It's 170 comics and it's just on the water on the Mississippi River. Gonna have some, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now the layout, the. The venue is perfect.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was perfect.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's got so much space. And. And I gotta say, like, I've never felt like a bigger star even close in my life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's all these people that are, like, deep comedy fans. They'll see and they'll be like, hey, when you did Premium blend back in 98, you did this joke of it, like, and they all want selfies. It's like you're Tom Cruise walking down

[Louis J. Gomez]

the street and they. They walk. I said to Norton, I was like, it's like, I'm a beetle. He goes, yeah, I wish it was Lennon. He's so quick and mean. But, yeah, dude, it's. They are the best comedy fans in the world. And they're very educated. They get it. Like, we do the naked roasts and we don't even have to, like, lock up phones because we say, hey, guys, there's no phones. You don't take your phone out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I didn't see any footage from it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nothing. No, because they don't. Nobody does.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When Louie came back and did it was the first time he performed in the States after his cancellation was he came to Skank Fest with Joe List. And he wasn't even gonna go up. He's just hanging out in Brooklyn and he just saw this crowd. He was like. It's like he's itching. He had done some shows in Europe or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then he went up, up. And I mean, just Huge. I mean, the standing ovation. The whole room was, like, losing their minds. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because, you know, they don't give a. Like, nobody, like, you know, and. Yeah, like, I took the video of him coming on stage. I cut my phone. Not a single. We didn't tell anybody. Not a single person pulled out their phone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nothing was recorded. Not a single joke that he told was recorded. TMZ got my footage because, you know, we posted him, you know, just going on stage. But, yeah, they're really, really an educated crowd that just loves it. And everyone looks like they're savages. So everyone looks like they're like, you know, heav. Metal, black T shirts, beards, piercings, tattoos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sort of that skank audience. We're getting some hot chicks now, too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was last year you had Ms. Gank Fest.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it was great. Yeah. You know, granted, you know, 11. The 11 of them were on Fentanyl.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But no, I made about it. I said, the winner of the Ms. Gank Fest, they reunite you with your parents and get your daughter into rehab.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Ms. Gank Fest that'll be returning this year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, is there nudity involved in that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That. Not really. They get. They do what they do. Yeah. The best part of Miss Gang Fest was we're doing the talent portion, and this girl comes up. She's hammered. She goes, my talent is. I'll up any at Skank Fest. Some other girl, another girl who was on the. The Ms. Kang Fester. She's like, you I'll you up. She gets in the ring. They throw headgear and gloves to them, and they just start beating the. Out of each other while the crowd loses their mind.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Incredible. Neither one of them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There she is. Ms. Kang.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's wild. It's. But it's really. It's genuinely positive. And, like, you know, there's like, you know, some, you know, with the fights, it does add a level. It looks like more aggressive than it is, but even with the fights, we're all having fun. Like, I box every year. It's Gang Fest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody's trying to kill each other. We're just trying to put on a good show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jason Ellis had somebody he could have annihilated.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. He fought Uncle Laser. Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who'd he fight?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Uncle Laser.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right, right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So any else is a monster.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You guys asked me if I would fight, and I am a fighter. Like, I've gotten into a lot of fights in my life. I have a really bad Irish temper.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I thought about it and then I just said to myself, what am I doing?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, I'm 59 years old at that point, and who am I going to fight? That's not. That's, you know, like, if I fight some open micr, he's got something to prove.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm just trying to not get knocked out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, of course. We got to get you somebody, you know, a little bit closer to your age.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you could get me an appropriate person, I will fight this year. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who, who, who, who would you fight? If you could fight one person, Todd

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Barry would be great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Todd Barry would be great. You beat the shit out of Todd Barry. Yakov Smirnoff, you and Yakov Smirnov going at it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That'd be fun. A tell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And yeah, anybody that was on the evening at the improv in the 80s, I will fight. Attel had this joke last year. He goes, he goes, new Orleans, maybe you need to get your music to match your lifestyle. Like, well, for. I didn't set it up right. He's talking about, like, all the drunkenness and the whoring and all that stuff. And then he's like, playing the music like ding, ding Lindley. Well, I've. I fucked up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's all good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sorry. Dave. Dave.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm sure Dave did a great job with that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, what's so funny about him is he did four or five minutes of local New Orleans stuff that killed, and then I see him the next night completely different. Five minutes. Didn't do any of the other.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We'll never repeat it, dude. Dave Attel, like, he throws away more stuff per year than I'll ever write in my life. Like, literally more high quality shit than I'll, like, I'll ever taught you. And it's like, ah, it stinks. I'm a hack.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you doing? You're the best. Please.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I heard he just did the Patrice benefit, and I didn't hear the joke, but the premise was juggling five problems with. It's like wind the price of oranges. Just like, what a random premise.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love it, dude. He's so funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's, he's the best.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he's the best. Best club comic. And I feel like Louie's the best theater comic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think, Lou. Yeah, I guess if I had to put in or. Louie's the best. The best living comic is Louis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But it tells. Like, if you're a New York guy and you, like, just watch a towel, like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's. It's really hard to not just love what he does, but. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And not sound like him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, we all sound like him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone, Me, Big J Metzger, like Dave Smith, the entire. Like, there's a lineage of comics from New York.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just doing a tell. And we're just trying to get away from it as much as possible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why I love to watch him. But I used to make myself not watch him because I would go on next and I would. I would be in that cadence.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Now, who are the young comics sounding like now? Shane. Right? All the young comics sound like Shane.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they sound like Shane for sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Nobody sounds like Tony. That'd be annoying. Imagine everyone's like, hello.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, all the Austin guys sound similar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, because they're. They're. And they're talking about the same things.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The problem with Austin, I love. I love that scene. I know. There was, like, a thing online where I was trashing Austin because I got it. They're too cocky, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But it's like, look, I've been in Clown for 22 years. There should be, like, two guys that wear a cowboy hat in comedy. That's it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't get a whole maximum. You get.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You got a hundred comics that are where. There are cowboy comics now with bolo ties and cowboy hats. Off. Off. Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've seen so many good comics come out of Austin over the last. You know, what has it been, five years or so? And. And, you know, Kill Tony is blowing them up, and they're. They're national. It really is like a new breed of comics that are an exciting, like, new part of comedy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, that scene is good because it. It injected. Look, comedy right now, it's as big as it's ever been. Literally. I mean, there's. How many. How many theater acts are there? How many stadium and arena acts? That was. It was like, you know, Dice, Dane, Cook.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was it. Like, nobody was doing, like, arenas. Like, now there's a bunch of guys that are out there. So it's all great for everyone. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm more known today because guys like Shane and Tony Hinchcliffe and Tim Dillon, all these guys blew up. These guys were all doing my shows for years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, like Legion of Skanks and sort of our World. I notice it here at Netflix because I'm walking around and I'm like. Like, I'm like, I'm just a curmudgeon. Like, I'm not like I don't like, like at Skank Fest. Like I'm in my zone, but I'm here. Like, I just, I don't like being around people. I don't like the fake. Like, oh, hey, like all that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do not like it. And it's not even. I'm not saying that everyone's fake that does it. I'm fake when I'm doing that. If I barely know you and I smile at you and I act like I'm happy to see you, just so you know I'm being fake. I don't care about seeing you. If we've only spoken a few times. Like, I'm not like, I don't really care. I gotta like, I hate doing that. That's why I was never good in the industry. I was never. I could go into a meeting and get like everyone to like me. Me and Ital, we pitched a TV show today. We sold the TV show together that got like taken away and turned into something else that was never, it never got made. But I watched Dave do it. It was actually one of the, the most. I, I learned more from pitching a TV show with Dave than ever before.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because I was always like, oh, I hope they like me. And I would go in kind of nervous and like, like, you're talking to a 26 year old dumb. Some chick who like graduated college two years ago. She has no idea what funny is. She has no idea what building a brand is. She just has the job at True TV or whatever network it is. Right. And a tell walked in and he treated them that way and he was just like. They would make a joke and he'd be like, nah. He like do that. I was like, whoa. And he was the commodity in that situation. And I never, I always felt like they were the commodity and I was trying to impress them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I. You just, I mean it's just years and years and years of doing it, but that was like an interesting sort of thing to watch. So that's why I do everything myself because I was never good at playing the industry game. So I started my own festival, my own podcast, network tour management company. I just do it on my. We're buying a comedy club right now in New York City. Like we're.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's a guy like you pull down in a year.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do pretty well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You making half a million? Million? Million and a half. Got million.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm doing pretty good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Good enough dollars. You incorporated? You doing smart things.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I got, I have like five LLCs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're not being a Puerto Rican with the money, are you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I got a business manager. I got the Jews working overtime. Are you kidding me? My Jews are great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they're great. Harvey Altman.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I was with Harvey Altman. Yeah. Yeah, I was, but I left. I left. I left for a different juice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've been with Harvey for 30 years. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. It was recommended by a tell. That's why.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's how I got in with hotel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah. And they were great. I just have a company that does everything now, so they do all the business management and my accounting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And it's all just one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you. Are you. Do you have, like. Like a lot of people make your kind of money and they start buying into. Sorry. Clothing lines and like, that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I started a coffee brand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You did?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was the thing that I wanted to. But it was. It's. It's a functional coffee, so it supports testosterone naturally, brain function. So it's got certain mushroom elements, too, but it's real coffee. We're launching our creamer this week, bodybraincoffee.com. guys, go check it out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If there's one thing I would never buy from Louis J. Gomez, buy my cream. When you open the packet, does it shoot all over your mouth?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, no. It's powdered, so there you go. But it's really good. It's actually legit. I drink it every day. You know, I was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My testosterone was low, and I went to my doctor, and I was like, can I get on T? And my doctor, God bless him, he was like, you know, he was. He's not an Austin doctor. Would have put a needle in my eye right there. And then I said this before. I was like. But I was talking about how I wanted to raise my testosterone. And Tony Henchliffe was like, I'll introduce you to my guy. I was like, that's okay. I'll be okay. You gotta get with my testosterone guy. No, I. So I. My doctor was like, stop smoking weed. Stop drinking. Lift weights. Take some supplements. He was like, then come back to me in six months and we'll test your testosterone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And if it's. And then. Sure, it was 250 points. It went up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And really from working out, mostly working

[Louis J. Gomez]

out, probably stopping smoking weed, stopping drinking, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because I feel like I. I felt like mine was low, and I went and got tested, and he went. He goes, you're a little low, but not enough to take testosterone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, I would love that boost in energy that these guys get, people take it and they're like, I'm, like, doing. I did 20 years ago.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought about doing it, even just this time. I just got fatty. I filmed a special in July. I got fat again. I was fat at Skank Fest this year, and I was feeling bad about myself, and I was like, maybe I will. Maybe I'll go to the doctor. And then I was like, you know what? I have it in me to just do it without it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you once. I don't have it in me, I don't have any moral objection to it. Like, I don't really want to stick a needle in myself. But when it comes down to it, like, I'm kind of proud of the fact that I'm able to tap into something. Like, it's psychological. You know what I'm saying? And, you know, so. And now I'm. I'm, you know, sober again. I'm exercising every day. I'm boxing a lot, lifting weights. So I'll be, you know, I'm good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

About the diet, that's more important.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Yeah. I just cut out the carbs. I don't count calories. Some protein, some eggs, a little bit of yogurt, some.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Some sausage snack during the day.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Like on nuts. Things like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah. Nothing crazy. Yeah. I do a lot of, like, just low carb. Try to say in ketosis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Plus, if you're three times a day, that's some serious cardio.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Having HIV also helps.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that slims you. Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lose the weight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And when you get that from a shake.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, so I'm. I'm. Yeah, I'm kind of on a little bit of fitness kick. Right. I go back and forth. I've been £350 and I've been £195.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You were a fat kid?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I was a fat kid. And then I blew up right after college. I started smoking weed, started just munching out. Blew up over £300. Then I lost some weight. I started working in the fitness industry in my late 20s.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Met my son's mother, got her pregnant. I blew up to 350 pounds again. When she was pregnant, she. We were just eating everything together.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Empathy way. Yeah. Happens.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah. So I always fluctuate, but I've done it so many times. Like, I know the answer. Everyone knows the answer. Like, Mo. In fact, any problem in your life, you probably know the answer. If you step outside of yourself and you were giving yourself advice, no matter what the problem is, you probably have the exact answers. We just don't do it. You're waiting for something else.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mushrooms.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Seriously, People say it makes you take a step back and see your life. And you go, like, of course.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's all right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, you're angry. I. I read this, you know, I get to spiritual Instagram post a little bit, you know, and one of them today was this monk was talking to a guy, and he says to. To his student or whatever. He goes, you're walking down the street and you got a cup of coffee in your hand. Somebody bumps into you and you spill the coffee. He goes. He goes, why did you spill the coffee? Coffee? And the student goes, well, because the guy bumped into me and it made me drop the coffee. And he goes, no. He goes, why did you spill coffee? Because. Because if he had water, you would have spilled water. If you had tea, you would have spilled tea, but you spilled coffee. And so the guy says, basically, you walk through life and whatever it is you're carrying in that cup, when you get jarred, that's what's coming out of the cup. You can have anger. You could have jealousy in your cup. Cup. Or you could have empathy and love in your cup. Like, when I think about how I can get road rage or.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Even literally the physically somebody bumping in, and my reaction to that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of it could be, oh, are you okay?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

As opposed to what the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That kind.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That one kind of hit me this morning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's great. That's actually really great. I read, I read. I watched a video, and they were. It was like some sort of, like, college. You know, when they go to speak at, like, a college graduation, there's a video.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Commencement.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, commencement speech. Some author did it, and he talked about sort of like that road rage moment. It was like, you're just, you know, this guy cut you off me like, yo, like, dude, road rage. It really gets me. Like, I'll get angry. I say, crazy, dude. I say, I've never been more racist than when I'm behind the wheel. Okay, Whatever your ethnicity is, I'm going hard, right? And. But it's like they. They put it in perspective. They're like, well, what if that person's got, like, their kid in the back of the car who's sick and they're trying to get to the hospital? You just don't think about what's going on in their. Then you kind of go, it's like, well, where are you going? Going like, I'm driving, like, a nice car. To like my beautiful home or like my, you know, a high end gym, or to go film a podcast and talk with a friend. Literally living my dream. The do I have such a chip on my shoulder for? It's like most people actually don't get to live their dreams, you know what I'm saying? I think we should all be trying to, you know, so it's like you have to kind of like step back and I, I've gotten a lot less angry as I've gotten older. It's also having more success and more things in your life. It just makes it easier here. You know, when you're broke and you're like coming up and you don't like in comedy, like, you know, not to suck or dicks as comedians, but it's like you put this, you have to have blind faith in this thing where there's no actual, like the first 10 years minimum. The first 10 years you're like, I don't even know if this is going to ever be a career. You know what I'm saying? Next 10 years, you're like, oh, I'm kind of figuring it out. And you start making a little bit of money sort of at the end of that second decade. It's like, it's a really long process of having blind faith in something and it's extremely stressful. So I've, I've calmed down a lot just in terms of like happiness and how I communicate with people and. Yeah, but that's a, that's a great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I think also as in terms of the longevity, changing your attitude, like for me, so much of it in the beginning was about, I was, I always worked hard, but it came from fear. I was, if I don't work hard, it's all going to end, it's all going to go away. And then the longer I did it, the more I started to feel. And I'm still, I still struggle with it, but I much more work towards what I want to do. And I feel like, especially now, I feel like I did it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, I don't have to get into a festival and prove myself to a bunch of industry people. I just need to do shows that people that are good enough to come see me feel like they leave the show and they saw some new material and they had a good time and you know, like, and then that's part of my life. That's not, not everything. It was everything. For years I didn't go to cousins, weddings and, you know, I lost friendships. I, you know, romances, things that you put on the back burner. And then as you go further and you can have more gratitude, it can become part of a bigger.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No, I. Yeah. I think just sort of being in a place where you can kind of be in the moment and enjoy what's happening, that it takes a while to get there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where you go, like, I'm not looking for whatever the validation is or the next thing, like, you know, and I think I'm kind of there at that place in my life now. It's just been the past few years. I mean, it just. Just things started really opening up in the past few years in like some great ways. You know, it was always about giving my kid, like a nice life. You know, I remember it's. It's like I'm. I'm like an old school salesman. So, like, I'm all about, like setting goals. Like, I remember when my son was born, I was like, all right, well, by the time he's four years old, when typically we. That's the la. The first time I have memories is like when I'm four, you start going to kindergarten. You start having these moments. You have little flashes before that. But four years old was kind of like in my mind, the number where you start to remember things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I was like, by the time I'm my son's 4, I was like, I want to have nice things. I want to take him on a father son trip every year. I want to have a nice apartment. Just, you know, I want to be able to take him to like a nice meal if I want to. And sure enough, he turns four years old. First time I had a nice apartment. First time I started making a little bit of cash. That's when, you know, we started skank fest around that time. We started Gas Digital around that time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then you step back and go, like, wait a minute. That was just. I was just setting too small of a goal. You have to think a little bit bigger. And I think most people, everyone in fact, hits their goals. Everyone, like we're designed. Human beings are designed to hit our goals.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The problem is most people, their goal is to just pay the rent, just get their bills paid, just pay their cell phone bill, maybe put a little bit of money aside. You have to think a lot bigger and you have to set those goals and treat that goal like you have to hit it. You know, I'm saying if you treat it like, you know, whatever is. I want to make a million dollars a year, that is breathing for me. That is my bare minimum. Right. If you sort of can train your mentality to get there, you'll naturally figure out the path because there's so many paths to that. It's an infinite number of paths and well beyond that. And I genuinely believe that, and I know that I am. I don't want to say blessed because I'm not religious, but I. I'm lucky to have that. Whatever that mental fast twitch, muscle fiber is to, like, believe in it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's also being able to handle stress because a lot of people get paralyzed by stress. And once one of those goals runs into, you know, an object or an obstacle, they just get paralyzed and they just pull back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. And I think freak out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's the people that can stay present in the face of like, what's the biggest obstacle you think you've faced in the last 10 years with all this, like, generating labels and, you know, know, becoming more of, like an owner of things?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, it's a specific thing. It's. It's. I think you kind of. The biggest obstacle is that mental thing where one. Because there's a million little obstacles every time, but the biggest obstacle kind of is in your own head, and that is a train. Training your mind to not think that way is something that is deliberate, and you have to literally go over and

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

over again and sort of create this neural pathway.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. And there's a great analogy that my buddy Mickey Gall said once. He's a UFC fighter and a high level jiu jitsu guy. And I always use this whenever I'm kind of going through just whatever mental obstacle it is. Right. And I kind of touched on it a little bit before, where the idea is that, you know, you know the answer, right? Step outside yourself. If you were to pay yourself to manage every area of your life like you have, you have a manager of your finances, a manager of your love life, a manager of your podcasting and stand up and interpersonal relationships and everything, right? And their job is to kind of watch you and to tell you, guide you through that. You'd be the best person to hire. You know the intricacies yourself better than anybody else, Right. You actually know the answers. You have to remind yourself of that. But there's an answer to sort of everything, right? And the analogy that he was talking about was in jiu jitsu, like if somebody takes your back, right? And they have your neck, they start going for a rear naked joke, right. There's a specific process involved in getting out of that, right. You have to chuck your Chin, protect your neck, grab onto their wrists, right? The idea is you escape. There's an. You escape out to the one side that you know that the arm isn't around your neck. Get your head to the mat, shoulders to the mat, turned into them. There's a series of processes, right? And it's. Those are absolute. Those are the steps that you need to do. You don't start punching them in the head. You don't start grabbing their legs. You don't start biting them. Like, that's not the process, right? You don't freak out, you don't flail. You don't scream game. You go, all right, protect your neck, tuck your chin. Right? And I always. I use that. And I say that all the time when I'm dealing with a problem. I'm like, protect your neck, tuck your chin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's the next step here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What is the next step? Yeah. And a lot of people can't get. They can't get there. They freak out and they go, well, what was me. Life is happening to me. This is. Yeah, shit's gonna happen unquestionably. But I do genuinely believe, deep down in my soul, like, there's a path to anything we want to do. There's. Everything in life is a series of decisions, right? Step A, step B, step circumstances. And you can get anywhere you want to be anybody, Anybody, literally, no matter what I do. I grew up in a really up situation. My mom was a drug addict. My dad was murdered when I was four years old, I was on welfare. I, like, I. The. The idea of making money in my life, owning a house in my life. Yeah, it was an impossibility up until not. Well, probably well into my 30s. Like, the idea of ever owning property was something that I couldn't, like, wrap my head around. That was what rich people did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So. Do you think going through adversity sort of teaches you, I mean, to go back to, like, a fighting metaphor of like. Like, to be able to withstand. Because I. It's. It's like. It really is. It's. It's like that thing of, like, everybody's got a plan till they get punched in the face, you know? But, like, do you think that that gave you a thick skin and an ability to. To. To. To. To not give up failure? Or do you think anybody can have that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I had. I had a sales background as well, so. Right. So failure is a necessary part of sales, like, in order to. If you've ever sold anything, you know, you have to. To get through the nose to Find the yeses, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So once you start to apply that theory in life, you start to go like, oh, yeah, you know what? The failures have to happen. Sometimes you got to fail. It can't all be wins, you know, that'd be crazy if it's all went like that. That'd be nobody. It's not all wins for anybody. And the most successful person, you know, they failed over and over and over again. You don't freak out. You go, like, all right, what can I learn from it? And you go, that's a necessary part of this process. I have to fail. I have to have some of these losses in order to sift through them to find the wins.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And that would motivate me. When I would sell, you know, I sold gym memberships. I saw, I saw a lot of things, right? But at my, my last sales job, I worked for Equinox and I was selling high end gym memberships. And my closing ratio was one out of four people that would walk on my office, I would sell, right? So I'd go, all right, well, like

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

a baseball player, if you get one out of four, you're doing pretty good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yep. Just keep on getting through the nose. Cool. Every time that you get a no. Like, all right, I'm, I'm not a fan. You know, the saying is every no gets you closer to a yes. Right. So I would really embrace that. And I've sort of applied that in other areas of my life. Life. So I kind of, I look at failure and I look at rejection. I go, this is. Especially as a comedian or if you're an entertainment or an actor, it's all rejection. You know, if you, if you can close one out of four gigs, you go on, on castings, I mean, you're, you're a star, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, yeah, I think it's a necessary part of life. And I think people, if they would readjust their way of thinking and not go like, oh, I'm failing, or I had another loss. You're like, well, it's just part of it. Yeah, you have to get the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And what's the closest you've ever come to a gay experience?

[Louis J. Gomez]

A gay. This podcast, past 10 minutes of this conversation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I do feel something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, I don't, I mean, I don't really. I mean, we. To be funny. I do gay all the time to be funny. Me and Big J made out on camera just to be funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tongue.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who stopped first?

[Louis J. Gomez]

We, we, we played a prank on Dave Smith when Dave was on the show. Still. We were doing, like, a promo. We were on Anthony Kumia's network. It was like. Like, you know, in the news, where, like, a little, like, in the corner, like, it'll pop up. It'll be like, you know, baseball player swinging a bat. Like, tonight, the mlb. It's like an advertisement at the bottom. So Kumia did that. Whatever that technology was, it was like, you know, up next is Legion of Gangs. It was supposed to be us being like, yeah, so Dave's sitting there, and then B and J planned it. We just leaned into each other and started deeply, passionately kissing hard. And he was just like, what the. So it's such a great little. Yeah. So to be funny. I don't know, dude. It's just all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you've never had, like, an intimate moment with a guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nothing gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't say it like that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nothing wrong with it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Trans porn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I guess that's. That's kind of gay. Watching.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you ever close with transport? Never close, but it's time to do a thing called fastballs with fits. I know. What are we calling it? We're calling it something else now. Fitz balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fitz balls, but fast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fitz ball. Fitz balls. But fast.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, let me see if there's anything else I want to ask you about real quick. Oh, your website sucks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thanks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It didn't load on my computer, dude. I'm having to do it on my phone, and that didn't work.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm having problems with it. It's the. Actually, the URL. I think there was some. I don't know exactly what it is. I have to change the URL.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's LewisOfSkanks.com. it'll work for most people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. It'll work for people under the age of 50. So. Have you ever been arrested?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For what?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Mostly smoking weed when it was legal in New York. So I would, you know, you'd just be smoking a joint in the park or a blunt, and then the cops would come get you. That happened like, 10 times. I got arrested one time for menacing and harassment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was her name?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it was a guy. It was my. My male roommate, and we just hated each other. It was like, you know, you go through your 20s and you just have a room.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They all suck and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, so it was. It was getting to the point where we weren't going to live together anymore. And I was leaving the. The apartment, and he was like. He was like, yeah, you got to pay me for the utilities. And I was like, yeah, I'll pay you for the utilities. I was like, but I got to find the apartment. So all my money that I have, I have to prioritize that. I was like, no matter. I'll pay you. Trust me. I was never going to pay this guy. It was never. It was. I'm wrong in this situation. As I. As I reflect on this, I thought about it recently. I was like, I was a dick kind of. Kind of. But I wasn't gonna pay this guy. He goes. So it was his air conditioner in my window. It was the summertime. I was like, august, New York City just. I had a Jack Russell terrier that had, like, long, abrasive hair. Never got him groomed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So we're going through a heat wave, like 105 degrees for, like, a week straight. Right in the middle of the heat wave, he takes the air conditioner out of my window because I'm not paying the utility. So he's like, yo, you. You're not having an ac. It's his air conditioner there. So I come up and like, it's just. Dude, it's a box. It's just so hot. I lived in the same block as Bobby Kelly, in fact, because he's part of the story. So I'm out. I'm promoting comedy clubs in Times Square, right? And I hate this guy. So after he takes out the air conditioner, now I'm like, jerking off at a shampoo bottle. Every day, I'm cleaning the toilet with this toothbrush. I mean, literally, dude, I'm being ranted. Like, really? I mean, there's nothing rapier then. There's nothing. There's nothing sexual as I'm jerking off trying to come into a shampoo bottle. It's all anger and aggression.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, it's got phrases. He probably jerked off with that shampoo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Probably, dude. He probably did. So, you know, we hated each other. So then one day, he calls me up on promoting comedy clubs, and he's like, yeah, I need to get the cable box out of your room. And I'm like, don't go in my room. You're not welcome in my room. He's like, it's my cable box. I'm going in the room. I got to get it. I got to return to the kid. This guy's completely, like, right. In every. In every area of this story, I realize he's right, right? So I was like, if you go in my room, I'm going to you up. Just so you know, I'm going to Annihilate you. So he was like, I'm in your room right now. What are you going to do? So I. I run home. I'm in Time Square. So I'm in Hell's Kitchen. This where I'm living. I. I ran. I barely knew Bobby Kelly. Met Bobby Kelly maybe a half dozen times at this point. I run past him. He's like, where you going, dude? I like, I'm going to go beat up my roommate. He's like, you're going to get arrested. I was like, no, I'm not. So I run home, dude. I start threatening this guy in front of his girlfriend. I'm like, I'll. I'm screaming in the hallways. I was like, I'll kill you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You. Now, I don't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not really threatening his life. This is the way Puerto Ricans talk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, I'm gonna. I'll kill you. Meaning I'll beat you up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I am screaming in front of a lot of witnesses that I'm gonna kill you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like when you're saying, I'll pay the electric. Electric bill, like, you don't mean it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't mean any of this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I had a fishing knife from when I was like, a teenager. Like an old. It was an old, dull shift fishing knife. You couldn't have killed somebody with this fish. It would have been pretty difficult. You'd have to really try to kill somebody with this fishing knife. But I put it on top of the cable box to let him know, if you touch the cable box, I'm gonna stab you to death with this fishing knife. The most aggressive move ever. Of course, he calls the cops, and I come home that night, and they arrest me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And booked you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Booked me. Luckily, Big J's wife at the time was a lawyer, so I got bumped ahead of all the people. It was a Friday. All the people that were, you know, you have to wait for, like, a public defender. You get, like, on a long list. So I got.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're in a holding cell.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm in a holding cell. I got brought right to the front. So I only spent, like, maybe 24 hours in jail. Jail got out, but he had a restraining order. I couldn't go back to that. I couldn't get myself out of the house. So I had to stand outside as my son's mother before she was ever pregnant. And Nate Barazi had to move my entire apartment, everything out of the apartment by themselves as I just sat outside smoking cigarettes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hilarious. Nate Brazzi. You tell Me. You guys are good friends.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He is my son's godfather.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the closest he ever came to a fist fight on stage?

[Louis J. Gomez]

One time we were in Pennsylvania during the pandemic doing an outdoor show, and Big J was on stage and he was doing crowd work. You know, Big J, he's so brilliant.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Such a great crowd work guy. He's like, you know, trashing this one girl. Like, he's making fun of her, the drunk or whatever. And the girl's brother is a big guy. He comes up to the stage, the stage, like. Like a. It was a. Built like it was way too high. Like 5ft off the ground, like so. His head's like there. The sage is there. Big J sitting on the stool. He grabs Big J by the foot and he pulls him off the stage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. But before. But as he's doing that, like, I run out. I see it happen. I run out from the back and it's on this. On video. I run out and I go to kick the guy in the face. But I'm just so unathletic. I miss him, Right? He pulls Jay on top of him like a refrigerator. He gets squished. Our fans beat the out of this guy. They pepper sprayed him. They beat his ass. The cops arrested him. It was wild.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He got up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a. And it's on film.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I want to see that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's out there. I'll send it to you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Finally, what's the hackiest bit you've ever done?

[Louis J. Gomez]

My entire last special.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have hacky clips?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, no, I don't have that many hacky clips. I think I'm pretty unique, you know? You know, so I guess, you know, depend on. I have some bad bits. I just wrote a hacky bit the other day. It was so hacky that I was like. I just wrote it down. I was like, I don't know why I'm writing this down. This has to have been done in one way or another. But then I think there's something funny about it being a hacky bit and me trying to. To test it because it's kind of racist. So I was talking about how I was like, all Florida's teams are dangerous things, like the. The Florida hurricanes, the Florida Gators. I was like, that's like, if we had the New York Puerto R. And it's just a terrible hacky bit. So then I wrote it into chat GPT. I was like, is this a good bit? I think, is this a good bit? And Chat to be was like, no, that's racist and wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How dare you? Like, this is. You can't. It's not even equivalent like that. The analogy doesn't make sense. And then I put it into Grok, and Grok was like, bro, gotta give me more racist. Give me more. I was like, it's great, but it could be more racist. Grok was way on board.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

See, I don't know if I dismissed this premise. I think if you pick different cities, like, say you were in, you know, Boston, and you could say, well, it shouldn't be the Bruins. It should be like the. The Boston bussers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Remember when they did the busing back in the 80s? They sent the black kids to the white neighborhood or whatever. Like, you could. You could custom do it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, it's funny. I have an idea for a special where I want to essentially do just jokes about every state.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just the, like, all 50 states. It's like an hour, Right. You do like, a minute or two, like, per state, and you just kind of, like, fire off jokes for everything. Yeah. Super clippable, super relatable to everywhere you're going.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, what you got to do is you got to be like one of those comedians that, like, uses young comics to write for them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then barely pays them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes. Just put out a special that literally don't even write any of it. Just be like, all right, dude, here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's the thousand open for me in Cincinnati. All right. Bring your notebook.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bring your Cincinnati jokes. Yeah. But it's just almost like a different focus, because whenever I I film something and put it out, like. Like this last time, between the last two specials, I was like, I gotta start fresh. Go out on the road. And then you're so naked. Like, the first, like, six months, I'm like, I don't know what the I'm doing. So this time, I was like, dude, I'm gonna do some old jokes for some old specials. Trying to work some new stuff. Do some crowd, like, gonna mix up, mix it up. Way more relaxed this time. I have no urgency to, like, work on a new special right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was always trying to. I'm trying to be Bill Burr or Louie and do a new special every other year. It's like, what am I doing, dude?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like, you want to go out and kill every time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just kill. Have fun, dude. Comedy is supposed to be fun, right? It's supposed to be fun for the audience. Supposed to be fun for you. You're supposed to make cash. I'm spending money on specials. I'm not having fun doing it. So I was like, I'm gonna just chill. I have no urgency to get into.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. And that's when the good material comes out, because then you're really, really in your voice and your rhythm and just come. You just got to make sure you're taping it all, because you got to grab those minutes every show. That's maybe that's all it is. Sometimes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Sometimes this is a line or it's just like a different way of saying it. Even. Dude, even. Not even the lines, the pauses. But people understand how sensitive comedy is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, just taking an extra beat sometimes to deliver gives you the laugh where it's. It's. So I have a few jokes like that where it's like the delivery is like the. The words on paper wouldn't even be funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But you pause for a moment, and then you say the line, and that gets the line laugh because of. It's such a sensitive, weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody will get it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's no logic to it. Sometimes it's all trial and error.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got to try a bit. I won't give up on a bit till I've done it a dozen times. Yeah. If it bombs a dozen times, I finally go, all right, I guess I was wrong. All right. Well, I tried to get your dates on your website. From what I can tell, you're at Zany's in Chicago, July, June 14th. Then you're gonna be in La Jolla at the Comedy Store June 19th to the 28th. What? It says the rattle me this tour you're days.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, what does it say?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It says 19. I swear to God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When does this come out?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This comes out. I don't know. Monday? Yeah, I'm in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm in Fort Myers, Florida, next weekend. Springfield, Missouri. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Rosemont, Illinois. Chicago, La Hoya from the. The 26th to the 27th. 28th.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're jamming. I look. I like, was like, ah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I go every other weekend now. Yeah, I was. I was doing it every weekend last

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

year, and I hated it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I hated it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wanted to be home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got to be around your kid now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want to be back on the road when I'm home now. I'm like, I kind of want to get out there and try this thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I'm happier now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Getting good crowds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Decent, you know, 70% sold.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. That's not bad. These days, if I get one or

[Louis J. Gomez]

two and sold out, In a weekend. That's a win for me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you want to see more, you go to. What is it called? Skank.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis louisofskanks.com. that's why you got the wrong website.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I went to the right website.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna change the domain name because my. My web guy was like, yeah, dude, there's. There's a warning attached to this domain. He was like, if you just change the domain.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, because it says Skanks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. Whatever. I think maybe somebody tried to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My fans are crazy. There's probably somebody who loves me. They're like, let me with Lewis and ruin his life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. All right, man. Well, this has been. Been just a great podcast.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you. Always fun. Greg, I said this before, and I'll say it again. I think you are one of the best podcasters and comedians out there. One of the easiest guys to talk. Every time you're on one of my shows, I'm like, God damn it, that was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we have fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You're always in the moment. And we'll see you at Skankfest this year. We'll have a blast. Scanfest tickets are on sale skankfest.com.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You still get single day pass. There's a handful of all access passes still, so. Yeah, get them and. And come and party with us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Well, thanks for the kind words, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of course. You're the best.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great hanging out with you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Appreciate it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.