Phil Hanley - Episode 1119

Summary

Fitzdog Radio – Episode 1119: Phil Hanley

Released December 11, 2025
Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: Phil Hanley

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Overview

In this lively and authentic episode, Greg Fitzsimmons welcomes Canadian comedian Phil Hanley for a deep dive into comedy, the Canadian-American cultural divide, life on the road, mental health, and Phil’s journey with dyslexia. From the camaraderie of comedy clubs to the weirdness of trapping rats in your house, the conversation flows with vulnerability, sharp wit, and plenty of behind-the-scenes industry insights. Phil shares candid thoughts on his transition from modeling to stand-up, his new book on dyslexia, and his approach to the ever-changing world of stand-up comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Life Updates

• Greg’s Under the Weather: Greg opens by joking about being sick and relating it to his enduring persistence in showbiz. (00:39)
• Proud Dad Moment: Sharing pride about his son Owen landing a job with real benefits, and reflecting on parenting milestones and newfound freedom. (01:22)
  • "It’s a really bittersweet moment because he doesn’t need me anymore." — Greg Fitzsimmons (03:14)
• Comedy Adventures: Recapping podcast appearances with Steve-O (whose remote recording was a hilarious failure) and Burt Kreischer’s high-octane work ethic. (04:48–08:00)
  • "There is a nuclear reactor in Bert Kreischer that just drives this fucking guy." — Greg (07:45)

2. Absurd Anecdotes

• Honking at a Driverless Car: Greg describes honking at a Waymo, realizing it’s a metaphor for futility in modern society. (09:06)
• Coffee Misunderstanding: Funny mix-up at an Italian café, where “room” in Americano is misheard as asking for “rum.” (09:39)
  • "We, Noah, have a rum." (10:27)

3. The Interview Begins: Phil Hanley Enters

• Canadian Roots & Comic Edge: Greg admires Phil’s edginess compared to other “nice” Canadian comics. Phil credits time in New York City for sharpening his delivery. (17:38–18:40)

• Canadian vs American Audiences: Canadians less effusive, while Americans are more outgoing and complimentary to comics. (18:54)

• Rough Road Gigs: Phil recounts brutal early gigs in remote British Columbia, with low pay and tough conditions—body odor, vomiting audience members, and even skipping the hotel due to flooding. (19:41–20:37)

  “There had been a flood and we’re like, no, you’re gonna get mold in your lungs. We drove back.” — Phil Hanley (20:28)

4. Memorable Gigs & Comedy Heroes

• New Year's Lineup at Cobbs: Recalling a stacked New Year’s Eve show with Greg, Beth Stelling, Emo Phillips, among others. Emo’s eccentricity and charm are highlighted. (21:23–22:49)
  • "Emo’s not just a nice guy—he's gentle, like syrup." — Greg Fitzsimmons (23:05)
• Rock Clubs and Guar: Discussing the oddities of performing comedy where wild acts like GWAR (the band) perform. (23:40–24:13)

5. Phil’s Book on Dyslexia

• Writing Process: Phil details the slow, painstaking process of writing his memoir about dyslexia, “Spellbound.” Greg offers advice about dictating stories to speed up the process. (24:19–26:47)
  • “I’m dyslexic. It takes me, like, six months to write a text.” — Phil Hanley (24:27)
• Creative Instincts: Both discuss the organic way stand-ups craft and arrange their sets, how material order is instinctive but can lead to surprises if changed up. (27:33–28:12)

6. Craft and Philosophy of Stand-Up

• Bit Placement & Risk: Balancing edgy material and audience trust, with a nod to Louis CK’s advice to open with a closing bit to force growth. (28:32–29:12)
  • “Sometimes take your closing bit and open with it. Then it forces you to come up with a new closing bit.” — Greg referencing Louis CK (28:54–29:06)
• Comedy Mentors: Phil never had a mentor per se but found inspiration and kinship among Vancouver comics. He and Greg discuss the value of lasting comedy friendships. (30:45–31:30)

7. Citizenship, Culture, and Identity

• Phil Becomes an American: Phil celebrates becoming a U.S. citizen just two weeks prior, detailing the arduous process and nerve-wracking citizenship test. (32:22–36:24)
  • “I got 100% as a dyslexic special ed student—I’d never gotten 100% on anything.” (35:54)
  • Fun back-and-forth with U.S. trivia, exposing both host and guest’s gaps in knowledge (and sense of humor). (33:03–36:24)
• Canada-U.S. Relations: Light debate on Canadian identity, brotherhood between the nations, and reactions to trade tariffs. (42:07–44:20)

8. The Grind of the Road

• Tour Scheduling Woes: Phil is back to back in Canadian cities in dead winter, echoing Greg’s compassion for the logistical and weather challenges. (44:28–45:54)
• Mental Health on the Road: Honest reflections on depression, loneliness, and strategies to stay sane—traveling with friends, self-care, routines, and the necessity for healthy boundaries. (47:18–49:48)
  • “The little things…they all add up.” — Phil Hanley on self-care (48:03)

9. Crowd Work, Material, and Social Media

• Keeping Material Fresh: Both discuss the depression that can come with doing stale material, and how improvising/crowd work breathes life into performing. (50:09–50:45)

  • “When I find myself bored of my own material, that's what can kick the depression.” — Greg Fitzsimmons (49:49)

• New York City Living: War stories about carrying bags up six-floor walk-ups and renting freezing, tiny apartments as struggling comics. (50:52–52:27)

• Stage Preparation & “Neutral” Energy: Why comics often say no to pre-show social invitations—remaining in a “neutral state” is crucial before performing. (53:05–54:04)

  "You just need to be in a very neutral space... It's a very specific mood. And that has to come from neutral." — Greg Fitzsimmons (53:59)

10. Humans vs Rats: The Struggle is Real

• Rodent Invasion: A lengthy and hilarious swap of gross-out rat stories in LA and New York—trapping, murder (by trap), and traumatized moms. (54:47–62:43)
  • “When you feel weights as you’re throwing it out, that feels like a murder.” — Greg Fitzsimmons (60:14)
  • “You got rat on your shoe and another one hit my leg; it felt like my ex-girlfriend’s small dog…It’ll move you.” — Phil Hanley (56:53)

11. Phil’s Past as a Model

• Transition: Phil modeled to avoid academia due to dyslexia. Hilariously self-deprecating about being skinny and feeling out of place in the industry. (63:09–64:56)
  • “I went from swimming in a T-shirt that summer to being in Milan trying to get fashion shows.” — Phil Hanley (63:51)
• Earnings & Glamour Reality: Describes intermittent large paydays and the contrast between catalog work and fashion shows. (66:13–67:15)
• Dating & Stereotypes: Debunking the myth of all models being “dumb and beautiful.” (65:12–65:19)
• Being a Good-Looking Comic: Reflects on how being attractive plays in stand-up, compared to a time when “something should be wrong with you.” (69:11–69:48)

12. Showbiz & “Making It”

• Missed Sitcom Era: The heyday of stand-up-based sitcom deals (“I probably had four or five six-figure deals...”) and how fame’s metrics have changed with social media. (71:12–74:20)
• Social Media Imperative: Phil posts three crowdwork clips a week, leveraging one of his openers as a camera operator. It’s central to staying relevant and filling shows. (78:30–79:08)
  • “It's so obvious what other people are doing. You just have to do the shit that—so often, it's the stuff that is really unappealing—that's the missing link.” — Phil Hanley (79:36)

13. Phil’s Book, Special, and Final Words

• Audiobook Ordeal: Narrating his memoir on dyslexia proved even harder than writing it; shares details about the process and why it mattered to do it himself. (81:23–83:04)
• Upcoming Shows & Plugs: Tour dates across North America, promotion of YouTube special “Ooh La La,” and his new book Spellbound: My Life as a Dyslexic Wordsmith. (83:10–83:32)
• Gracious Close: Mutual gratitude and camaraderie as comics who don’t always cross paths, but share a bedrock of respect. (83:57)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Greg on the never-ending hustle:
  “Every time it thinks it’s rid of me, fucking show up again, baby.” (00:39)

• Phil on tough Canadian gigs:
  “Someone got up to vomit during my set…this might be the worst body odor I’ve ever come in contact with.” (19:52–20:09)

• Greg on Bert Kreischer:
  “There is a nuclear reactor in Bert Kreischer that just drives this fucking guy. And it seems effortless. I don’t know how the fuck he does it.” (07:45)

• Phil on Canadian-American difference:
  “In Canada, you could come off stage and think that might have been the greatest show anyone’s ever done, and then people would walk out, they don’t even have eye contact.” (18:54)

• On bombing for the troops:
  “You make fun of the generals or whoever…and they go nuts.” — Greg (41:33)

• On the citizenship test:
  “I got 100% as a dyslexic special ed student—I’d never gotten 100% on anything.” — Phil (35:54)

• Greg on stand-up:
  “When I find myself bored of my own material, that’s what can kick the depression. Because then I go, then why am I even here if I’m not enjoying it?” (49:49)

• On the realities of road life:
  “Carrying your bags Thursday morning, five, going to JFK and lugging. Yeah. And I did that for years. So now…I moved to a place that has an elevator…” — Phil (51:02)

• Rats in the city:
  “When you feel weights as you’re throwing it out, that feels like a murder.” — Greg (60:14)

• Phil on writing his book:
  “I'm dyslexic. It takes me, like, six months to write a text.” (24:27)

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Important Timestamps

• Greg’s Sick-Showbiz metaphor: 00:39–01:13
• Owen’s Job News: 01:22–03:14
• Steve-O Podcast Fiasco: 04:22–06:48
• Burt Kreischer Story: 07:01–08:00
• Phil Joins (Start of Interview): 17:38
• Canadian vs. American crowds: 18:54–19:49
• Cobbs New Year's Eve Gig: 21:23–22:49
• Dyslexia Book Discussion: 24:22–26:47
• Mental Health on the Road: 47:18–49:48
• Rats, Oh My God: 54:47–62:54
• Citizenship Test Game: 33:03–36:24
• Social Media and Comedy: 78:30–79:08
• Audiobook Struggle: 81:23–83:04
• Wrap Up & Plugs: 83:10–83:57

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a must-listen for comedy nerds and anyone interested in the grind and heart it takes to be a working comic. Both Fitzsimmons and Hanley pull back the curtain on the highs and lows of the business: the friendships, failures, unexpected joys, and lifelong learning. There’s a gracious honesty and humility throughout their exchange, punctuated with killer anecdotes and real insight into what keeps a comic going year after year.

Check out Phil Hanley’s book “Spellbound: My Life as a Dyslexic Wordsmith” and his special “Ooh La La” on YouTube. Tour info at philhanley.com.

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(Skip this episode’s ads and intro for pure comedy gold—start at roughly 17:38 for the main conversation.)

Transcript

[Phil Hanley]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Phil Hanley]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Phil Hanley]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Phil Hanley]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. I'm your sick host, Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm in. I've been. I've been sick for a while. It's one of those colds just keeps fighting its way back in. It's like me and show business. Every time it thinks it's rid of me, fucking show up again, baby.

Anyway, so I didn't do much this weekend. I canceled the podcast I was supposed to do yesterday and I felt bad about that.

So I just watched a lot of football. Fucking Chargers, baby. Beating the birds. Bolts. Beat the birds.

So what my son. Congratulations to my son Owen, who just got. Got his first real job. He's in New York now. He's been hunting down a job there for six months. He finally got one. He starts January 5th. He's gonna be in ready for this tech sales.

And he's got a ready for this 401k plan and health benefits. Like what, what happened? My kid, whose ass I wiped, who I taught how to play baseball, has a fucking 401k accounts now.

I'm very proud of him. He's gonna kick ass. He's gonna be the best, best thing this company ever did. I won't say the name of the company, but it starts with a G and it rhymes with boogle. No, it's not. I don't know the name of the company, not gonna lie to you. It's.

It's not one of the big ones, but it's. It's apparently a very good company anyway, so it's just very weird because you. It's the first time since he was born that I have not felt on some level responsible for his life. You know, like.

From, you know, survival mode of like food, shelter.

Nutrition, to like putting him through college to helping him find a job, you know, as much as I could. I didn't ultimately find him this job. He found it on his own. But I was busting my ass trying to. And now he's got it. And I feel like it's a really bittersweet moment because.

He doesn't need me anymore.

So I'm free of that responsibility. But.

And I'm. And he's a man now. I really feel like that. Like he's a man. But.

Hey, still my son. Look, hopefully the economy crashes, he gets laid off, he has to move back home like a good son should.

Anyway, shout out to Owen.

I gotta go do Corolla tomorrow. I hope I'm healed up to do the Adam Corolla show. Last week I was set to do. Steve O. Asked me to do his podcast. But here's how he asks, like, yeah, what's your address? Will come to you. Great. So I sent him my address. They're supposed to come at 11:00am to my home in Venice Beach. So at about 11:15, I get a note.

Parking a block away from you because we have the van.

Okay, great. You have my address, right? Yeah, yeah. Text back, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Another 25 minutes goes by. I go, you close? Yeah. You have to come out to the van. I come out to the vest. So I come out to the van. First of all, Steve O. Is not in the van. Steve O's not coming. The van is the studio. So they pull up and you get into this camper.

I'm not making this up. With a camera that's set up that is zooming Steve O. In from a hotel in Texas where he's on the road. So I get in the van, they close the door. It's about 107 degrees, and we're on a not great zoom connection. And so we start the interview and about 15 minutes in he goes, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm like, what?

[Phil Hanley]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he goes, I forgot to record.

I forgot to hit record. And his producer's in the van with me, and there's another guy who's also on the zoom call, who I think is in yet a different location. And so I said, no sweat, we'll just. We'll just go. We'll go from here.

So we keep going. And his producer goes, no, we think we got that already. Like, it won't be good, but we've got some version of it anyway, so. So we keep going. Ten minutes later.

He disappears from the zoom call. I'm like, what happened? And they go, just keep talking. So we keep talking for 10 minutes and then he goes, steve O. Just texted. He said the Internet in his hotel isn't good. So that's It. That was the interview.

And they go, will you come back and do it again? I go, of course. I fucking love Steve O. And I really want to do this, but just, just, I want you guys to know this is exactly what I expected and you have not let me down. And they said, all right, so we'll do it. I go, we'll do it again. But you have to promise me that you will include a lot of what we just did. I need that in the first. I need that in the second interview. So anyway, I was supposed to do that, and then.

And then I did Burt's this past week, Bert Kreischer's. Me and Mike Gibbons went to Bert Kreischer's house, and he's got a show called, like, Something's Burning, I think it's called.

Which Mike and I did once before, and he cooked up food and we talked and. And Bert has a crew of like 13 people in his home office. Like, he's got a. He's got a house that's just an office, like a big house that just has people in it, and it's a. It's a fucking beehive of activity. And they're all sharp and they're all cool, and they're all working together to make podcasts and social media, just all. And I just left there going, like. And as me and Mike are leaving after a two and a half hour podcast.

There, they wrapped up our podcast as they go. Bert, your next one's in a half an hour. So. All right. So not only did he cook the entire meal while being hilarious and talking to us, and ate the whole meal with us, drank three whiskeys, and then we were leaving, and the next one was coming in in 20 minutes to do it all over again. Cook another meal, eat another meal, drink three more whiskeys, and I'm just. I was exhausted after one. I was like, I didn't even fucking host it. I was like, I don't know. There is a nuclear reactor in Bert Kreischer that just drives this fucking guy. And it seems effortless. I don't know how the fuck he does it. I can't. I cannot. I don't not. I couldn't do what he does for one week. I don't think I could handle one week of his schedule, which is why I am shooting my podcast in the guest room and not in a separate house. What about. What about this hat, though? What am I wearing? I found this in the back of my closet, and I thought I would wear it as A goof. And then I forgot I had it on. All right, well, it's a kind of a. It's a captain's hat, I guess.

Um, I don't know if I mentioned this on the podcast, but recently, two funny things happened. And then we'll get to the interview. Um, I honked, okay, at a Waymo. There was a Waymo in front of me that was not moving. And I honked my horn at an inanimate object. And I realized that is a metaphor for where we are in society right now. That's all. Just wanted to point out that that happened.

Also. This happened yesterday. I pulled into a. An Italian restaurant to get a coffee on the way back from the doctor, and the guy behind the counter is Italian, and he goes, what do you want? And I go, let me get an Americano with room. And he looks at me and he kind of scrunches up his eyes, and then he goes, hold on. And he walks away, and he goes. And he talks to the manager, and they're talking back and forth. This is going on for a while. I'm like, how complicated is this? An Americano with room. The espresso machine's right there. Like, what's the. And he comes back, and he's very apologetic, and he's like, I'm so sorry. We know. We, Noah, have a rum.

Rum. We, Noah, have a rum for my Americana with room. And we both realize at the same moment the misunderstanding. We couldn't fucking stop laughing. We stay. We started telling the other people behind me in line when I. Anyway, funny moment. That's it.

So much more I want to talk about, but we'll do it on the next pod. I'm too sick to get deep into this this weekend. San Francisco punchline, December 11th to the 13th. Then I'll be at the Meadowlands in New Jersey at Bananas, December 26, 27. Then I'm coming to Cleveland Hilarities, January 8 through 10. Then Atlanta, Sacramento, Philly, Lexington, Houston, Fort Worth. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out, see some live comedy. Also, listen, it's this time of the year where you start to not eat right. You start to not eat balanced meals. You don't have time to shop. You don't have time to cook. Maybe your fridge has no room because you have bad leftovers that you haven't thrown out yet. Tempo. Tempo. Remember that name. Tempo is chef prep meals that are fresh, healthy, nutritious. Maybe you got kids and you're worried, how am I going to feed My kids. You're not going to. Tempo is. I just ordered.

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That'S uncommongoods.com fitzdog for 15% off, don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. Okay, that's it. All right. Speaking of out of the ordinary, my guest today, I spoke with him last week, or might have been the week before. Always a guy that I've admired as a comic and never really hung out with. We've done a couple shows together with. We talk about those. But he's Canadian guy, just a really fucking talented comic and he's written on stuff. He's used to be on Amy Schumer show.

He's got a special called Ooh La La on YouTube that's really strong. He's been on all the late night shows. Anyway, I had a great chat with him. I hope you enjoy my time with Phil Hanley.

My guest today. Phil Hanley. Hanley. Some people say Hanley, right?

[Phil Hanley]

Not around me they don't, man. No, Hanley. Yeah, Hanley. No one says whatever you just said. Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What a way to start an interview.

[Phil Hanley]

Sorry, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean really, I'm sorry. So what's Funny is like, I've always been a fan of your stand up. I think you're really smart. I think you've got the kind of edge you don't see from a lot of Canadians. Like, Canadians are so nice. Like, I think of like, you know.

Harlan Williams. And who's the guy who goes like this?

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, Jeremy Hots.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jeremy Hots. Like, nice.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sweet. And you have almost like a little bit of a New York edge. Do you think that's because you moved to New York?

[Phil Hanley]

I've lived in New York a long time. I think I probably had that before.

I moved to New York, but it might have developed. I definitely sped up moving to New York and like being at the Cellar and watching like a tell and stuff like that. I definitely go a lot faster.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I do shows in Connecticut.

Canada is the Connecticut of the world.

And I find that sometimes my sarcasm is a bit much for them.

[Phil Hanley]

The big thing that I noticed when I moved to the States was in Canada, you could come off stage and think that might have been the greatest show anyone's ever done. And then people who walk out, they don't even have eye contact. I remember moving to the States and doing these rough shows when I first started. People like, great show. And I'd be like, where was that for the first 12 years of my stand up? Yeah. I find that people, the Americans are a little more complimentary or outgoing, whereas Canadians, I think would probably be like, oh, I don't want to bother him, or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I think that probably you see a difference from state to state with that as well, right?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, I find that the further I go, like, I just did shows in Alaska, the more they will come up and be so effusive and like, thankful that you made it all the way to their place.

[Phil Hanley]

Totally. Whereas when I started I would do like Williams, Lake and Bradley, British Columbia, which is like a 12 hour drive from Vancouver. And no one was really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, it was 12 hours from Vancouver?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, straight north.

[Phil Hanley]

Could have been 10. Could have been 10. But yeah, I remember I did it. It was like a first. One of my first road gigs. I did it with a comic. We drove all the way there, did the gig. Someone got up to vomit during my set.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Does that happen a lot?

[Phil Hanley]

No, just there. I also remember being on stage being like, this might be the worst body odor I've ever come in contact with. And then ironically, it was the guy that also had the upset tummy during my set, but. And then driving all the way There and driving all the way back. So, yeah, it was like 10 or 12 hours, like there and then back. I remember getting home at like 6 in the morning and just. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no hotel.

[Phil Hanley]

No, no, I think we. No, we went to the hotel and we. There had been a flood and we were like, no, this is like. You're gonna get like mold in your lungs. And we drove back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, really?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, they're rough gigs when you start in British Columbia.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And how much were you getting paid?

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, my. I mean, it would be definitely under $300. For sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Which covered like some of your gas.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I mean, what is. What's a town like that? I mean, I'm just trying to picture eight hours north of Vancouver. Like. What?

[Phil Hanley]

It's north? Yeah, it's. I mean, because you go a lot of gigs that you do in Vancouver, you go through the Rockies and as a non mountain person, you cannot predict what's going to happen when you get to the top. It can be the craziest weather in the world.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

So there would be a lot of like, long drives and then rough gigs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Now you came in and.

You. You reminded me about a gig that we did. It was New year's Eve, probably 10, 12 years ago.

[Phil Hanley]

I'm so bad at getting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know it's all a blur.

[Phil Hanley]

It's really blurry. But it was. It was a special night for me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. That was a fucking cool lineup. It was at the Cobbs in San Francisco, which I don't love. It's a. It's a rock club, so it doesn't. But that night, it was really good. It was me, you, Beth Stelling.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And Emo Phillips. And was there anybody else on the gig?

[Phil Hanley]

There was someone else, and I feel so bad. I think it was a. I forgot the person's name. But I was thinking about it today on my way here, and I was like, he was such a nice guy. I think he did warm up for the Tonight show. Maybe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Jimmy Pardo.

[Phil Hanley]

No, wasn't. No, it wasn't Jimmy Pardo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, either way, it was one of those fun nights. And I got to meet Emo. Who. I mean, you're younger than me, but when I was a kid, Emo was like. It like. There was like this. It was like. Do you remember Comic Relief? Did they play that in Canada?

[Phil Hanley]

I don't think we got Comic Relief. I knew Emo and I had seen. I had like, bought tickets. Anytime you were on a show with someone that you'd paid to see So I was stoked that you were on the show, and I was stoked that Emo Phillips was on the show. And I had heard so much stories about Emo, and. Yeah, I remember him when he had that, like. Or he might still have that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, the. The something boy.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

But, yeah, I was. That show was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he was just like the guy. He got there, like, two days early and he had this eccentric wife. And he is like. People go like, oh, he's a really nice guy. No, Emu is like syrup. He is gentle.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's one of those curious guys. He wants to know everything about you.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he's like the most vulnerable human being.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. He's really open. Yeah. And so funny. Do you remember he was doing. He had something. Some bit that night where he had, like a. He had like a trench coat or something. He was taking his coat off and putting it in his pocket throughout the set.

It was so good. Yeah, he was great. That was a fun night. Cobbs has grown on me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

As far as rock clubs go, I think it's. It feels pretty intimate. Besides, like, some rock clubs where the stage is, like, super.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Right.

[Phil Hanley]

I just played somewhere and I was like, oh, who. Who was here last? They're guar. I'm like, oh, cool. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that a band?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. It's like. Then they. They, like, cut each other. They're like. They're supposed to be. My friends from home are going to be mad if I don't get it right. They're supposed to be from, like. Like a thousand years ago or. Like. They wear costumes and there's a lot of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are they from Scandinavia?

[Phil Hanley]

Are they from Scandinavia? No, they're from. I don't know. They're from somewhere in the States. But, yeah, they wear, like, these. You should look. They wear costumes and they, like, decapitate people and stuff like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you were after that.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, very. Yeah. Quite a different performance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Right.

So you got this book.

How long did it take you to write it? I mean, years. No.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really? Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I'm dyslexic. It was like. It takes me, like, six months to write a text. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you start at the back and write?

[Phil Hanley]

I started. Yeah. I started with acknowledgments and then.

No, I. Well, I. I planned. I, like. I started with the idea and it was like. When they approached me, when my manager was like that, you know, there was interest in. If you want to write a book about dyslexia. And it took me. I, like, started and I made the proposal, like, tight, like a bit. And then. So that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many pages you think the proposal.

[Phil Hanley]

The proposal was probably maybe like four or five pages, but it was really tight. And. And then that, like, I worked on that for like four years. But not just honestly four pages. Well, it started.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Comedians, man. We are so efficient.

[Phil Hanley]

I. I started. But I started and I made all these lists. I made a list about, like, everyone I'd ever met. Like, I tried to. And then. So I just tried to jar my memory. And then once I started writing, then. Yeah. But I got quicker. I remember my editor. The first chapter took me four and a half months.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And then this. By the end, I was writing chapters in about two and a half weeks. So I got. I got quicker eventually.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And one thing I would have. I wrote a book and it took me. I.

Sold it to Simon Schuster, like, based on my proposal was like 20 pages.

[Phil Hanley]

Holy. Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I had a really good outline going, but the way I did it, and I wish I had known you before, because this is the advice I give anybody writing a book is I had a tape recorder and I used to go to this park and I knew. I mean, look, it's a collection of stories. What's a book? It's story. So I knew I had my outline of what the stories were. And then I would just walk and I would tell the story. And then, you know, you got that transcribe software where I plug it into my computer. It would transcribe it. Now, I had an ugly first draft, and then I just had to correct and punch up and smooth over.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I got stuck. I had a year to write the book and I spent nine months furiously masturbating. I think I ran out of sperm at one point.

[Phil Hanley]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I hope that's in the book.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The sperm is in the book.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I could scratch and sniff and. And then I. And then I stumbled on this idea. Oh, that's recording the stories. Yeah, I got it done.

[Phil Hanley]

I feel like those times, though, that, like.

The nine months of. Not necessarily the masturbation, but they're like when you're putting it off and you think it's terminating. Yeah. And then you. I find that with bits. You know what I mean? Everyone's always freaking out right before they do their hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I gotta get 10 minutes or whatever. But you've been for freaking out about it long enough that it does somehow come out, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. No. Hundred percent true. Yeah. There's so much subconscious stuff that's happening and organizing and then hopefully you have an editor that helps you kind of like hone in on what the book is. Because you can get, especially with us, like comedians look at a comedy set. There is no organization to it. It's just a series of tangents for an hour.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. And then. Yeah, you put. I have an order to it. And it makes sense to me, but it's like, it's just some weird thing that you've put together. Yeah. Somehow it's weird how you develop an instinct. Like this should go first and this should follow that and this should. And you kind of figure it out. And then there's a rare occasion where you forget a bit and then you switch the order and then you're like, oh, that works even better. But generally I feel like my instinct is right. Like I'll try to move something to the beginning and it'll be something that like does really well at 15 minutes. But if I open with it, it's just like tanking. Right, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's so many theories about, like, you know, like I talked about, you have an edge. And I think sometimes when you come out and you're coming with the really edgy stuff right up front, sometimes that's a risk reward. Sometimes you can get them or other. Sometimes you're in the Midwest and they hear that and they just go like. And then you're fighting to get. Get them the rest of the set.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So like, you know, it's like, you know.

It'S like fishing, you know, you. You could dangle out the bait. You try to get them to come towards you a little bit, you know, and you get them on and then you fucking, you know, literally reel them in. It's the phrase you hear in show business. Yeah, reel them in. But.

But like it. The best is like Louis CK Told me, sometimes take your closing bit and open with it.

[Phil Hanley]

That's wild.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then it forces you to come up with a new closing bit.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The main reason you do it.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But also like, you know, now you, now you're coming out of the gate. Just killer.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, yeah. I've seen the interviews when he talks about stuff like that. You're just like, oh my goodness.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. I mean, I mean, he just wrote a book, but the book he needs to write is about the philosophy of stand up comedy. Because, like, especially when you see him on with good comics, you know, like when he did. Who did I just see him on with? Was it Sam? Morale, maybe? Did he do Sam and Mark's podcast? Recently, I'm not sure he did everybody's. Because of his book tour, but he got into some stuff that was just really like, you know, I just talked to him on the phone this weekend for two and a half hours. Wow. I called him. I was on a walk. So we started together in Boston. We've been tight all these years. We lived in Venice to get a block from each other, raised our kids together. So I just called him up. Cause I was on a walk and I was like, all right. I got. I never call people back, you know, so it's like, all right, I got a half an hour call Lily. And then you just start talking to him. And he is just like.

I think also our souls are merged after having lived such similar lives.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But also, like, I'm just fascinated by his theories on everything in life. It's always a take on it you never thought of before. And then he says it, and it makes perfect sense.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, he did. I know. I watched clips from. He did Bad Friends with Andrew and Bobby, and he. He. Bobby was talking about doing his special, and Lou was giving him. Him advice. And it was. It was. It was. Yeah, it was interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And those guys were on the edges of their seats. It was like they had their pens out. Like.

Who'S your. Sort of like, did you ever have, like, a mentor or somebody that.

[Phil Hanley]

No, I never did you hear people talk about. I know. I never really did at all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you want me to mentor you?

[Phil Hanley]

I mean, that's why I'm here today.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So did you have, like. Do you have, like, a soulmate in comedy that you came up with, that you stayed close with over the years?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, I have. I have people in Vancouver that I. I talk to. It's so funny. The people that. They're like, just people that I started with in Vancouver. There's a Canadian comic named Graham Clark, and it's like, to this day, he's the most prolific comic, you know. And I'll be at the Cellar, and you see all these guys. But he. He would have new stuff every single week. There's a lot of great comics in Vancouver.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When I. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, it's amazing, the comedy scene. When I go up there, I never bring an opener. I was like, no, no, I want to. I want to meet the local people, because they're unbelievable.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, there's a lot. And when I started, Zach Galifianakis was recording or was. Was in a TV show, so he would do kind of the old show and, like, the small. Like, it wasn't like an open mic, but it was like a book show. But there'd be sometimes 12 people in the crowd in this Mexican restaurant. And he'd come every Wednesday, and it was like, yeah. Super inspiring.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zach's incredible. He's really, like. He's very particular about where he performs. Like, it can never be a mainstream anything. Like, he won't come to the Comedy Store or the Improv.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, like, he likes Largo. He'll do Largo a lot, you know? So how does your. Now are you worried about ICE right now?

[Phil Hanley]

I'm. I'm an American citizen. It's been two weeks. Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Congratulations. Two weeks.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, two weeks. Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. It'll be tomorrow. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, you snuck in because he's, like, freezing all immigration.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really? Yeah, I. I had. Yeah. It took so long, so I had to get two work visas, then a green card, and then I wrote this citizenship test. And then. Yeah, I got. I got sworn in, maybe.

When did I get. Yeah, I got sworn in two weeks ago, but I passed the test in August. So then I was just waiting for a date, but then the government shut down and all this stuff, so I found out I got my US Passport.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Did you have to take a test? Was there.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, we did the test.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'm going to do a test for you right now.

[Phil Hanley]

See, I warn you. And I. I was. I got 100% on my test, but I'm very. I know. American history to the selective 100 questions that they have.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'll stay within those.

[Phil Hanley]

Okay. If you know those.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who is the 14th president of the United States?

[Phil Hanley]

That was not one of the questions. I'm so sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Abraham Lincoln.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really? Okay. Well, yeah. Can I give you one of the questions?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Okay.

Who is the state representative of New York?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, there's more than one representative.

[Phil Hanley]

Who is. One of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One of them would be.

Kyle McGovern.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really? Okay. I didn't know that one. What about. Okay, who's the president during World War I?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

World War I was.

1917.

Oh, it was Truman, Harry S. Truman, Woodrow Wilson. Really?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. My dad. My dad is a Canadian and always wanted to move to the States, and he knew he. I would go through because I. You do the 100. You do a practice test of 100 questions. And some I kept getting wrong. And that was one. And he was like, just remember the W's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. All right, I'm gonna. Let's go back and forth.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, but I Only know the hundred that they.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, stop. Just take the fucking test. This is such a dyslexic guy right now, making excuses.

What are the three branches of government?

[Phil Hanley]

This is a great question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is one of the 100.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. Legislative executive.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's the one that Trump is misusing the most right now. Oh, going after his enemies with the. What branch?

[Phil Hanley]

Oh.

Judicial.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. Well, that was a good. That is part of the 100 questions.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was good.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. I really did well on that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, your turn.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, another one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Who. And I hope I get this right, who was a general in World War II and then also President.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

World War II and then President.

Eisenhower?

[Phil Hanley]

I believe so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Eisenhower. I believe so.

[Phil Hanley]

I was trying to think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm throwing you out of the country. I'm gonna narc on you.

[Phil Hanley]

No, but you memorize the questions, and then they ask you. And when I get. I was so nervous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And I worked on it four months. There's an app. And then I would get. There's like, the actual questions, and I get people to quiz me. And I got. I was getting 100% as a dyslexic special ed student. I'd never gotten 100% on anything. And then.

They only ask you. You have to get six out of ten. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's it.

[Phil Hanley]

That's it. So I got the first six. Right. And it's random. Like she's got an iPad and she's clicking. But it was, like, easy. It was like, who's the president now? Who's the. It was. It was very.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But do they tell you in advance what the hundred questions are going to be?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. So you have the hundred questions. So I got all the. And then I just got lucky. And then you had to write a sentence in English. Yeah, I wrote california has the most people was my. Was my sentence. And I said to the woman, I go, I'm dyslexic. I don't know if I'm going to get California. But I nailed the spelling of California. And then. Yeah, they ask you, you know, questions about if you would, you know, your loyalty to the states and stuff like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And do you have to renounce your dual citizen or do you have to renounce your Canadian.

[Phil Hanley]

No, you don't have to. I know. You don't have to renounce it. No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So if we invaded Canada, I'd be torn.

[Phil Hanley]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a tough one.

[Phil Hanley]

No. Yeah. I mean, I pledged.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you pledged to invade other countries.

[Phil Hanley]

Well, they say if you need to take up arms. And I'M like, you don't want. This is not my skill set.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I mean, I'd volunteer. I'd entertain the troops. I think I'd be better at.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right, yeah. But I like Bob Hope.

[Phil Hanley]

I didn't say that to the dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bob Hope had the greatest gig, you know, during World War. I guess it was during World War II. He was running around. Was it. Or was that the Korean War? Bob Hope? No, it was the Korean War.

[Phil Hanley]

Entertainment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was it Vietnam? When did. When did. When did Bob Hope and I think maybe Vietnam and Korea. Right? Yeah, yeah. So. But he would bring, you know. Well, no, it would have been Korea, because I know that he. I just watched a documentary last night about Jayne Mansfield, who is. I don't know if you know her, but she was like a big. Like a Marilyn Monroe type.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like a. Like.

I. Well, let me get into that, and then I'll double back to Bob Hope. But she.

Her father died when she was 3, mother was destitute, lived in Texas. She learned four languages, became a master violinist and pianist.

[Phil Hanley]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then she got pregnant at 16, had a kid, and then moved out to LA because she wanted to be an actress. Like, just imagine being 16 with a fucking kid, with a dude, deadbeat mom. And then she moves to California to be an actress and, you know, bounces around a little bit and then gets discovered and they go, no, no, no, Dye the hair. She's huge tits and beautiful face like Marilyn. Dye the hair blonde, tighter clothing. And all of a sudden she gets a contract with MGM and she becomes like one of the biggest stars in Hollywood, like the most photographed woman in America.

[Phil Hanley]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And. But anyway, so she's one of these people that Bob Hope would bring on tour and they would go do USO shows. And it's just so different than the way it is today because she would walk into the audience and sit on a soldier's lap and rub his face and kiss his head. And they weren't groping her or fingering her the way they would today. You know, like, if you bought Scarlett Johansson over there, she. They would be third base city over there and wherever. Where are they? Where are we fighting now?

[Phil Hanley]

That wasn't also.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That wasn't on the test.

[Phil Hanley]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Venezuela. Yeah. But anyway, so have you done shows for the troops in the past?

[Phil Hanley]

No, I remember there were people that. No, I've never done that. No. But. No, I haven't. No. Have you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never overseas. They would want. They asked me to go overseas a couple times. I was like, Look, I got little kids. I'm not getting fucked. I'm not dying in Iraq.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, well, I'm a patriot, but I.

No, I've never been asked. But I remember there was a time I totally would. Like, there was. I remember.

People have, you know, I remember people doing that. I remember people going over and. Yeah, yeah, for the Canadian troops or.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For the American troops.

[Phil Hanley]

I don't know Canadians that went over. But I remember when I first moved to the States, people were doing it. But this is one of my favorite showbiz stories, and this isn't my story to tell, but this is, like, my favorite showbiz story. One of them was a tell was over entertaining the troops.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he did, you know, this story now.

[Phil Hanley]

So he was over entertaining the troops, and it was Christmas, and they got a chance to use one of those, like, I'm sure they have. Like, they used to use an iPhone now, but it was back when they had those, you know, those, like, crazy mobile phones. Yeah. With the thing. And they're like. And everyone got the phone to.

Call the home on Christmas.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, nice.

[Phil Hanley]

So they passed the telephone and he phoned Esti to give her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Her.

[Phil Hanley]

His avails.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's the booker at the comedy.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. So we phoned in and say, that's hilarious. I'm available Monday, Tuesday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's great.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, it's one of my favorite shows.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you also, like. You kind of bomb at those shows. Usually you either bomb or you kill. But I've done a lot of stateside shows for the troops, and there's things you can say and you can't. If you want to destroy. You make fun of the. The brass.

[Phil Hanley]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You make fun of the generals or the. Whoever. I don't know military terms for, you know, captains.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then they go. They go nuts.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, like, you can't do anything that's really political. They. It's very uptight about what they'll let you say.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I could. Yeah, I could. Sometimes you're performing. I'll be performing. And they'll be like, someone in the military, in the. In the crowd. And, God, that really puts into perspective, like, you're like, I'm so nervous to try this new bit. And then you're like, oh, God, I really have nothing to worry about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

So what's going on with the tariffs now with Canada? Like, I heard that. Didn't your prime minister just come out and say, like, we're boycotting the United States or something?

[Phil Hanley]

I'm not up I haven't been home because while I was going through all my immigration stuff.

So I've only, I was only last time I was home as I played Vancouver in March. And the, with the, every commercial, when I was home, every commercial mentioned the tariffs. Like, so I think Canadians were quite hurt with the tariffs and stuff like that because.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hurt financially or emotionally?

[Phil Hanley]

I mean, probably financially, but I, I just feel like we, we're so Canadians and Americans are so close.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Like brothers.

[Phil Hanley]

Even more. Like, if you go big brother. I feel like Canada in the States is more similar than like, if you're in, like Spain and you go to Portugal or so. Like, we're so. Yeah, so when I was home, like every commercial was, was like a riff or some jab at the tariffs. Like, it would be like Tim Hortons, da da da da da, something, something tariffs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I went up there, I did a gig in Toronto, like right after the tariffs started, like two weeks after they started. And I was like, all right, no one's showing up to my show. They must. This is so insulting. The President coming out and saying they should be the 51st state. And so I just walked on stage and I go, I think we should be the 13th province. Province this 12. Right.

[Phil Hanley]

That wasn't on the test, but yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't even know.

[Phil Hanley]

Territories, you know what I mean? Let's not get into the whole thing. There's a lot about going, but whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I said that and I got him on my side right now. That's great. And people actually showed up. But you know that club in Toronto?

[Phil Hanley]

Which one?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Comedy Bar. No.

[Phil Hanley]

What is it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Comedy?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. Oh, comedy bar.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, comedy.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. Yeah. I've only done a short set there, but people. So great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, so great. Yeah. I love Canadian crowds.

[Phil Hanley]

I miss, I feel as I, I mean, I love the States and I worked. My dream was to do stand up comedy in the States.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And starting in an open mic in Canada, there's so many steps to do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

You know, to get a work visa and all that stuff. But yeah, I mean, I, I, yeah, I'm, I, I excited. I'll go home for Christmas.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But yeah, but I look at your tour schedule and I pity you because you're Canadian comics, obviously you do a lot of dates up there, but January, you're like, you're like in the Arctic tundra.

[Phil Hanley]

It's wild. I'm playing places, I get so stoked to play Canada. But the, yeah, my January, the routing is wild.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I play, I'll tell you right now, you're going to. You're going to.

Winnipeg and Victoria.

[Phil Hanley]

Winnipeg. No, but Winnipeg. So I'm going. I'm playing Winnipeg. I believe it's January 8th.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. Which gonna be brutal.

[Phil Hanley]

And people don't think of it, but it is. Pardon me. It's gonna be nuts. I mean, I think Winnipeg is like the coldest, like, city on the planet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I could just be speaking of experience or I could have maybe heard that. But it's like, it is chilly. It'll be crazy. And then Victoria is so far away.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, Victoria is next to Vancouver.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

It's like playing Minneapolis and Seattle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

But I guess just the way the route.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that a drive? You're gonna drive?

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, God, no, no, that'll be. I'll fly. I was supposed to play somewhere else in between, but I took a. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mental health break.

[Phil Hanley]

No, I just took a day just because I know flying out of Winnipeg in January is going to be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then you got Ontario, Ottawa, Halifax.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I mean, you really got to talk to your agent and I like, you know, there's far. Florida's got a lot of rooms.

[Phil Hanley]

I'm playing Florida actually later in the year a lot. But no, I love. I was. I, I. My. I love my agent, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

William Morris.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, Tommy. But I. I mean, I did a year when I first moved to the States. I remember I did a full year without a road gig. So.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Phil Hanley]

Without a single road booking. Like, just. I was just at the Cellar every night, which was fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was like, how'd you pay the rent?

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, boy. Yeah, just barely. So now I'm on the road almost every weekend and I'm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So. No, your schedule's insane.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look, it's very hard when you go on the road and, and it's. And it's unending because your friendship start to suffer. You know, those regular, like, routines, like, hey, we all get together at Tommy's on Sunday and watch football or whatever. Like, you lose those things that keep you sane.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, you. I try. Like, I just did four weeks where I was on the west coast on the weekend and then would fly back to New York, and then I just did that four times. Yeah, but I mean, it's so. It's just so funny because it was that year where I didn't get any bookings. If I. If that year I was working, like, consistently.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

I would be pretty, like, grumpy right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

But because I had that year, I'm so grateful that. And I went so many years where people Weren't really coming out to the shows.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

Is. It is like a nice way of saying it. So now when people are here, I'm just like, so stoked and so grateful that people are coming to the show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have depression and when I go on the road too much, I have, I have days where I wake up at 1 o' clock and I don't even turn the lights on and I sit in the room and I sit there going, how am I possibly going to stand on a stage in front of hundreds of people and act like I'm the most fun guy in the room? I mean, that's what's so difficult about. Do you get any depression?

[Phil Hanley]

I mean, I have, I talk about it in my book. I have had depression before, but I really don't at the moment. I'm like, yeah, I guess it's just that I'm just, I'm so happy to be working and for people to be. The shows and the shows are fun and I bring two people on the road that I really like. It's. It makes a world of difference.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

And now I like, you know, I'll splurge a little bit and stay somewhere. Like, I'm. The way I look at it is I'm like, what are the little things that I can do to make this like, fun? And they all add up. And I fly enough so I get upgraded and stuff like that. So that, that really, really, really helps.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fly your openers in with your own money.

[Phil Hanley]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that starts to add up. Especially two of them.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, that does add up some. I have an opener that's based in Chicago that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's that?

[Phil Hanley]

Michael Myers, super funny dude. And. But he, he, he drives to a lot of gigs. He's based in Chicago and a lot of his driving, so that saves money. But it, yeah, it's expensive because it's like three tickets and three hotels.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

But it helps and it makes it that I can keep going now. Absolutely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mental health, that's crucial. I, yeah, I've said when I bring somebody, I don't always bring somebody. When I do, it's always a better week. And it's not like we're like, hey, let's get lunch and then we'll get dinner. Like, you may not even spend that much time with them.

[Phil Hanley]

No, I totally. I like, I, I try to get as much sleep as I can.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I meditate, I try to work out. Like, I do all the things. I don't drink when I'm on the road.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Which really helps. I Mean, being in that hotel room by yourself, Saturday, hungover, you just be like, what am I doing? So I try to be as healthy as I can. And yeah, it's that year. Not working. I really. I'm pretty. I mean, I'm excited that I. When I get to go home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

But, yeah, I'm so. And also, if you. If you try, like, I always force myself to do something new or to do. I improvise a lot in between my jokes. And that helps too, because it's, like, legitimately fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You know, so it keeps you in the moment.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, totally.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that's one of the things that can cause depression for me, is if I'm on the road. And I do crowd work as well, and it really does lighten it up. But when I find myself bored of my own material, that's what can kick the depression. Because then I go, then why am I even here if I'm not enjoying it?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. And it's hard. Like, even if just a new line. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

And also because I do talk a lot about dyslexia. I'll. I have people that either have dyslexic kids or special ed teachers or.

People that are dyslexic that are, like, happy to hear someone talk about it or whatever. Yeah. So every. Whenever I feel myself being like, oh, God, whatever, I'll meet someone and it'll really, like, kind of, like, make me feel good or whatever. I'll meet. I meet a lot of cool people on the road. And I'm also a big Grateful Dead fan, and people bring me dead stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no.

[Phil Hanley]

It's like I always have, like, a really wholesome, heartwarming experience kind of every weekend or every night of the thing. So I'm pretty. I'm pretty happy working.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. That's nice.

[Phil Hanley]

And I had another thing that helped me was I had. I lived in East Village for like, seven years, something like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What street East?

[Phil Hanley]

Six. Then Avenue A. Oh, sixth floor, Hopkins.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Square park right there.

[Phil Hanley]

Six. But it was a sixth floor walk up. So I carried my bags up and down those stairs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sixth floor walk up. I lived in one of those. On B Street. Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And carrying your bags Thursday morning, five, going to JFK and lugging. Yeah. And I did that for years. So now sell merch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you have, like, an extra suitcase with T shirts?

[Phil Hanley]

My opener bring. No, I just started selling merch, but my opener deals with that. But. And she has an elevator. But yeah. So. And then now I moved to a place that's has an elevator and it's. So I've, I've like made. Also that apartment on E6 had no heat in the bathroom and no heat in the bedroom. So that, yeah. And that may go on the road. Great. Because you walk in, you're like, wow, this place has got heat, baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How much you pay for rent?

[Phil Hanley]

I started, I paid 1750 and then it kept.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For no heat.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. But I mean, that was the cheapest place in town when I moved in. And it was a half fridge. It was pretty rustic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You must have done a lot of spots in town to afford your rent on your own.

[Phil Hanley]

I would, I, I would do, I was, Yeah, I would do a lot of seller spots and I would still do. No, the year that I didn't work, I lived in East Harlem. Yeah, but, yeah, so it was cheaper there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But.

[Phil Hanley]

So there was a lot. I have a lot of factors, a lot of things where I'm just kind of grateful to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I get that. That. And I really do think the openers is the, one of the biggest. Thanks. Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

You're happy to see people. And again, I don't do like, I see people on Instagram and they're on the road and they're hiking and playing pickleball and going to the beach during the day and, and I'm like, I would be so exhausted on stage. So I'm like low key, eat healthy, exercise a little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Phil Hanley]

Time my coffee, like, I have a real regimen to doing it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

8:30, noon and 3 o', clock, like within 10 minutes. Those are my coffees on the road.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, I, I, when I'm on the road, I don't see 8:30, I, I'll sleep in coffee, try to, you know, walk around, blah, blah, blah. But then, and then you show up at the shows and I'm so happy to see the people that are, you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Know, if I'm in Atlanta and I got friends there, they're like, hey, man, you want to come out? We're going to go on a hike and then we'll have dinner. I'm like, no to all of that. Like, after the show we'll hang out for a little while.

[Phil Hanley]

Absolutely. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I don't, I need my. It's hard to explain to people, but almost every comic I know feels the same way about it. Like, you just, it's not that you're sitting there pouring over your notes or you're, you know what? It's just that you need to be in a very neutral space. Before you walk on, I can't make a hard turn from the social energy of being at a dinner to being the alpha in the room on stage, who's kind of cool, kind of smart, kind of over it. Like you can't ever seem like you want it too much. Like it's a very specific mood you need to be on to make it work. And that has to come from neutral.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I'm very, very low key on the road.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

During the day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So let me ask you. I have a bunch of questions I wanted to ask you. This is going really well, by the way.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Okay. I was excited to be here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was worried because I last night we have. My mom is staying with us. She came for Thanksgiving and she has not left.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so there's a house in the back. We have a back house and staying in the back house.

[Phil Hanley]

Wow. See that? God. When a New York comic talking to an LA comic. I mean, we're barely. It's not even living what we do over there compared to you guys. You got automobiles and back houses. Yeah, it's beautiful.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's like an estate. Yeah, no, it's Venice. It's small, but there's a little structure.

[Phil Hanley]

That's amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So anyway, she's staying back there and then my daughter left the door open and. And we had a rat issue last year and we caught a bunch in the yard. They were running across the yard, so we set traps. We caught a bunch and it just stopped.

[Phil Hanley]

Did you have a rat is caught? Are you phoning a professional or handle my business? Are you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm like Canadian. Yeah. Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't like you're trapping rats. I hate it. I don't trap them. I snap them, I kill them.

[Phil Hanley]

So it's like a big mousetrap.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I'm so freaked out by rats. It tripped me out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hate because I'm from New York. So I used to urban nasty, gross third rail rats.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, when I lived on after the pandemic in the East Village.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

East Village has more rats than anywhere in the city.

[Phil Hanley]

Because the pandemic was the perfect sort of interrupt your story. But I just have to get this out of my soul.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's fine. I thought the interview was going really well and then.

[Phil Hanley]

Well, you did mispronounce my name at the beginning, but no, the rats at the in. Because the. So there's no. The restaurants are not operating anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

The restaurants are not paying an exterminator to come Every Wednesday and Friday. So the rats came out and it would like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the garbage collection.

[Phil Hanley]

Yes. On Mondays, I would be coming home from the cellar, and it would dawn on me. You'd get that whiff of the garbage truck, and I'd be like, oh, my. This is like an episode of like the Living Dead because you're walking down. I remember, like, seeing. I was crossing. I go, like, this side of the block has less restaurants, so there'd be less rats there. And then you cross, cross. You know what I mean? And I remember crossing over. Dude. I was so. It was so crazy. I remember crossing over. I almost stepped on a dead rat on the street. And then I got across the street and one hit my foot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And I'm like, what do I do? I leave my shoe here and just hop home. You got rat on your shoe and they hit your. And another one, same period of time, hit my leg. And it felt like my ex girlfriend had like a. Like a small dog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

But like £16. And it, like, It'll move you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

But please. So you. The. Have you ever gone to a trap and it's still alive?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but I have set six traps and gone out the next day, and now there's five.

[Phil Hanley]

Trap's gone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He got. He got it on his leg and then limped his way away.

[Phil Hanley]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And took it back to. That's when it stopped. Because that guy went back to the nest with the trap on his leg. And everybody's like, oh, yeah, let's lay low for a while. Shit's going on over there.

[Phil Hanley]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Because I had an exterminator when I first moved into my place. I had a mouse on 6th Street.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And I talked to the exterminator. If I get an opportunity to talk to exterminator, I'm like, we're here for a long time. Right? Right. It's such an intense job, and I'm so tripped out by rats. But he was saying that as humans get smarter, rats get smarter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And he was saying that, like, if I. If you just put, like, a plate of food in a room that had rats, they would be like, this is weird. And they wouldn't touch it for days because they'd be like, where did this come from? And then. And eventually they would get one rat to try it. Probably an unpopular. Probably a hacky rat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And try it. And if he survives. And they're like, okay, we can all eat. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. But. Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So anyway, so my daughter left the back door open to the back House.

[Phil Hanley]

You called it a structure. You're being modest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Our back penthouse. She left open the door. And the east wing. And so my mother went back there and she saw.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh my God, no, in the house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In the house. And she was really freaked out.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So. So we have. We had traps. So I set three or four traps in the back. Peanut butter. Use rubber gloves because if they smell your. The oil from your hands on the trap, they won't go near it.

[Phil Hanley]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. You got to wear rubber gloves. And I laid them out and I mean they're big. And so I left the lights on. I. Oh. And I saw it from. I. I saw in the door, I saw him walk across, so. And he's big like a kitten.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I left. So I left the traps out and then I. I came back a couple hours later and this dude, his head exploded. It like slammed his head. And the body was huge and. And there was a puddle of blood on the floor.

[Phil Hanley]

I would move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I put on the gloves and I got a garbage bag and I threw it in and I tied it up. I threw in the alley. And then I went back there with paper towels and cleaner and I got it all cleaned up.

[Phil Hanley]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it was so traumatic. And then my mom was like, she was freaking out.

[Phil Hanley]

So like, I understand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now I got to. So I said, we're saying goodnight. And then my. My mom, I go, you want me to walk you to the back? She's like, yeah. So I walk into the back and then I leave my mom alone back there. And the last time she was there, she saw a giant rat.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So she's free. So now I'm all right. A. I'm traumatized from the murder of a. If it's a mouse, it's like killing a fly. When it, when it feet. When you feel weights as you're throwing it out, that feels like a murder.

[Phil Hanley]

Well, yeah, cuz it. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I'm traumatized from it. I'm having images of it. And then I'm worried that my mom is freaking out in the middle back, which I know she is.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I did not sleep last night. I could not fall asleep. I slept like three hours. And then I had to get up at 8, 8 o' clock to meet somebody who's coming by the house for something, drugs. And. And then I was like, you know what? Let me lay down for 20 minutes. And then that was at 8:20. And I woke up at 11:50am and we had this interview at 1:00 o' clock and I'm 20 minutes from here.

[Phil Hanley]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I was so groggy, and I got up and I saw my mom, and she's like. Yeah, she didn't sleep.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, you poor mom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. And so I had a couple cups of coffee and I came over here and I was. I was worried that my energy wouldn't be good.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, you're.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For the interview. It's pretty good, right?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, I feel present.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, I don't feel like I'm making a lot of jokes, but you're not the kind of guy. I feel like I got to make a lot of jokes.

[Phil Hanley]

No, I mean, I'm doing all the heavy lifting with the jokes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Phil Hanley]

But. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I was going to tell you before we started that you needed to be.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I. I get to be the straight man on this one.

[Phil Hanley]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, you wish you had told me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude.

[Phil Hanley]

I. I can't believe that's such a.

I. That blows my mind.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's the tail. That's the thing I hate the most. The tail.

[Phil Hanley]

The whole thing. Your poor mom. I don't know if I could ever. We. We had a rat in our hallway at that.

At. At. On east. On East 6th Street.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And it was during the pandemic. And. Yeah. And someone had. It. This was crazy. It had eaten the rat poisoning. I hope. I'm not. We're not traumatizing people, just talking about rats, but if you live in New York, you have to. You have an experience. So it ate the rat poisoning. And it was going crazy. I guess it makes them very thirsty. And so they had. He was just trying to get out of the hall.

And there was, like. When you were walking up to the hall, there's. There was, like, where he, like, would find, like, the. The bracing in the crown molding at the bottom of this. The corner. He would try to get through there and he. Finally. We're waiting for the exterminator to come and we're on the street and he chewed through the third floor screen to get outside, jumped out the window, bounced off the awning of the restaurant beneath the apartment, landed on the street and took off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it was like. It's like an action movie. Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Very similar to an action movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jack Reacher, the rat.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jack Ratter.

[Phil Hanley]

I get. Yeah. They trip me out. I can't believe you deal with that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. They are smart and I. And it did take a few rounds of putting the traps outside before they started going for it. They had to get used to Them, and I kept rebating them every day with the rubber gloves on. But anyway, let's get to some questions.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, hit me. The first question is about a ride.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. So you were a model.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

Without question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean.

How does that feel when somebody goes, what do you do for a living? And is it hard to say I'm a model?

[Phil Hanley]

So. Well, because I was the. I modeled. And the reason that I modeled was because I couldn't read.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And my friends went to college, and I had. I grew up with someone who was, like, a very popular model or, like, success successful.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Phil Hanley]

Yes. And she was like, you should model. And so I went from swimming with a T shirt on that summer to being in Milan trying to get, like, fashion shows.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you mean you lost weight and got in shape?

[Phil Hanley]

No, I didn't get in shape, but I was just so skinny. Because I was so skinny. I was, like, self conscious. I probably weighed 115, 120 pounds.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. Really?

[Phil Hanley]

Yes. I was so skinny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And I had long hair. And it had never crossed my mind.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And then I had this opportunity, and it was just.

A coincidence that it was the time where they were kind of trying to get people that looked like there was, like, the heroin cheek. Yeah. Yeah. I have a joke. I don't do it anymore, but I had this joke where I go. They're like, we want guys that look like they do drugs. And I'm like, I'm going to do you one better.

So. So. Yeah. So it was so. It felt really embarrassing to me. I felt like, this is crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's funny because it's the coolest thing in the world. And yet, at the same time, it's one of the. It's like. It's like saying, where'd you go to school? Harvard. Like, it's really great, but it doesn't. It doesn't play well coming out of your mouth.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. But also, it was like. I just didn't think it was very cool. I was like a Deadhead. Yeah. I was like, this is not right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

You know what I mean? And to me, it felt like it was, like, one step away from being in a boy band. It just felt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the experience was, well, then people kind of think you're dumb. Yeah. Like, people think models are dumb when obviously, like, they're just as apt to be intelligent as anybody else. They just happen to have good genes.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. But. So they thought. People think your models are dumb. And on top of that, I'm like, teetering on illiteracy yeah, so I didn't have, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you felt dumb already?

[Phil Hanley]

Well, and it was just. Yeah, so it was a great experience. And when I look back, I was like, I should have probably just had more fun and enjoyed it. I was really. I really wanted to do something that I loved. And my dad was like, in the insurance business and didn't like his job all through, you know, when I was a kid. So I was really kind of searching for something. And then in modeling, I met, like, photographers that were like, oh, I got my first camera when I was six. And like, stylists and designers that loved what they were doing and their reason they were on the planet to do so I was like, oh, shit. It really motivated me to find what I was supposed to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What kind of money do you make as a model? Like, what was your biggest earning year, would you say?

[Phil Hanley]

I mean, I. When I did it for four years and on my fourth year, I started what. How you make money is catalog stuff. So you'll go, I like, one of my last jobs was you go to Germany.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Were you based out of Canada still?

[Phil Hanley]

No, I was. I lived in London.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Phil Hanley]

Which was like, kind of weird. You're better to be based out of Milan or Paris. But I loved London and I had a lot of good. I had a lot of good friends there. So I. I still, I was just. I just played London a few months ago, and I'm still hung out with the people that I hung out with back then. But. So.

Yeah, so you want to get into the catalog stuff. So you'd go and you try on like 300 winter coats in a day and you get paid, you know, very well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, how much would you make in a good year?

[Phil Hanley]

I don't remember what I would make in a year, but I like over.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A hundred thousand maybe.

[Phil Hanley]

Like, you would do a job. Like I did a commercial where you'd get like 35,000 bucks, you know, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was big hits. It wasn't like a constant.

[Phil Hanley]

And then you would do like, I did all the, like, teeny bopper magazines where.

It was like, you know, like, for like, teenage girls or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And those would pay, like, say, like 150 pounds to shoot or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

But again, the other option was for me to, like, work in a bar or whatever. So I was making more than that. And then you'd go to Milan, you do the fashion shows. Like, I did like Armani fashion show or whatever. And that would pay, you know, a couple thousand bucks or something. So was a ton of money for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Me that was there a lot of backstage, like changing clothes with the female models.

[Phil Hanley]

There was some of that, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's pretty sweet. Except they're very flat chested, aren't they?

[Phil Hanley]

Well, yeah, I mean they're these like striking, beautiful women. But again, I was like, I didn't feel like a striking, beautiful man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, don't argue with me.

[Phil Hanley]

But I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Didn'T answer really fast. Wait, do it again.

[Phil Hanley]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Say, say I'm not really a strike. I didn't feel like a strike.

[Phil Hanley]

I just didn't feel like a striking, beautiful man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Phil Hanley]

That's good. So, yeah, so I wasn't like, I wasn't like in my underwear like leaning on the right.

Talking to the, the female.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But did you date female models over the years?

[Phil Hanley]

I had, I had dated a couple.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. I had another joke about that where my friends were like, what's it like hooking up with female models? I'm like after four years I was also so curious. But yeah, but I more had friends and stuff outside of the fashion.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right, right.

[Phil Hanley]

Like I had like a local pub and I had like a really fun kind of group of people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you feel like it used to be difficult to be a good looking comic? I mean you. I don't know if you remember that, but like nobody was good looking. And now I think with people like Anthony Jesel neck, like there are more good looking male comedians because I think it used to be like the audience almost wanted you to have something wrong, like to be overweight or to be a nerd or whatever. And like, did you ever feel like you had to work harder to be taken?

[Phil Hanley]

No, because I don't feel like I'm like a. I'm not like, like Jeslenic is like a blonde guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

You know what I mean? I don't feel like I'm like, I don't think anyone would be like, oh, this, oh, this ex model is going to do standing. No, you know, wow, that was really hurtful. No, so. No, I don't, I, no, I never, I. Yeah, I don't think there are guys like, oh God, there are some comics. Gary Goldman, very handsome man.

There's young comics now that are like, you know what I mean? Like drop dead. Like, you know, super ripped and you know, so on and so forth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think for females it's hard because they get a lot of stalkers. Like every and every attractive female comic I know has like stalkers.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because you're being very vulnerable to people.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. And people think they know you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. The wall is taken down. You're right there with them. And so that's a real problem. It's really better to be like an Erica Rhodes or something.

[Phil Hanley]

I remember.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm just kidding. She listens to the podcast. She's very attractive.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, she's very pretty.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I remember when I started, I remember being really taken back by how often comics talked about.

Appearances. Like, he's really good looking, he's gonna get a sitcom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's gonna.

[Phil Hanley]

And I was like, they almost talked about appearances more than model. Like, it really came up a lot back then. Now I feel like it's not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you missed the boat with the. Every comic getting a development deal in a sitcom. Like, you got here a little late for that.

[Phil Hanley]

I did, but I still. Because the advice that everyone gave every comic was have your five minute showcase, Seth. Be your sitcom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

So I was still. We still did that. I had that. I had a whole thing about live because I. After I lived in England, I moved home and started comedy and lived with my parents. So I had like a sitcom pitch showcase set about living.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The guy that comes home.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. Living with his parents.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And. But yeah, now that's not even.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you ever get a deal this, that or anything?

[Phil Hanley]

No, I didn't, but I, I did. I did start where I heard of people. You know, you'd hear like, oh, this guy went to JFL and, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Left $250,000 back in the mid to late 90s, early aughts. It was like, if you went up there and you did well, you got a deal like, you know, and six figure deals.

[Phil Hanley]

That's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I got. I probably had four or five six figure deals for my own sitcom. And I mean, and I had no idea what I was doing. I'd never written on a show. I didn't really have, like, my ideas were more conceptual because I didn't really have a life story that lent itself to a sitcom really, you know, but it was a complete. It was a. It was just like a feeding frenzy. The networks would come to jfl, the head of Warner Brothers would be there, the head of casting for NBC would be there. And if you got a little buzz, they all would come to your show and there'd be a line of. I would. I remember one show I got off stage and there was a line of people. My friend Kevin Meaney. Do you remember Kevin Meaney?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was one of my best friends and he gave me a hug and.

[Phil Hanley]

He goes, he's such A cool dude. I only got to meet him a couple times.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Such a nice guy.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, my God. And he would play the Cellar at Christmas and he'd do that. You know that song he used to do?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Christmas, We Are the World?

[Phil Hanley]

No, he'd do it's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. And then he would talk about coming out to his family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that was such a great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Honey, I'm homo. And so he goes, don't look behind you, but there's a line. And then I stood there. I had a stack of business cards like this from every studio. This is the first time it happened to me. It was 96 and I had no manager and I had no agent. By the end of the weekend, I was with the big, biggest management company, biggest agency. I had a $160,000 deal with Fox, booked on David Letterman.

[Phil Hanley]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All in. Like, I did four or five minute spots over the weekend.

[Phil Hanley]

How you feel on that flight home? You must have been skipping up and down the aisles.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was skipping up, down the aisles. And then.

[Phil Hanley]

Were you based in LA at the time?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was in New York, but I had started in Boston, so, like, none of the industry knew me in New York because I had moved to New York recently.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I became a little bit of an asshole. Like, I look back, I mean, not really, but there's a couple people that were like, yeah, you kind of were a little cocky, you know, And I. And I say that whenever I see somebody get successful and they. They're kind of an asshole, I go, give them a fucking pass. It's really overwhelming to suddenly get it all.

[Phil Hanley]

I can't imagine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you have to let them lose it all and then get it. Get. Then usually when you come back and get it.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which I'm still waiting on mine from 96.

[Phil Hanley]

It's coming, baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then you start to. I imagine I'll start to feel better.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think this podcast is gonna be the thing that launches me this episode. Yes.

[Phil Hanley]

That rat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think the rat sitcom.

[Phil Hanley]

Our rat sitcom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, for sure.

The Rat Boys.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. I. I can't imagine. I. Everything took so long. Everything. Yeah. Yeah, I can't imagine. I mean, that stuff just doesn't really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It doesn't have. Well, it does now with social media. I think if you blow up, if you're. If you're. I don't know if you call it an influencer or whatever, but, like, those people are gobbling up deals and money and. And, you know, you see, you obviously know the comics that go on the road that didn't put in the time, and now they've been doing stand up for three years and they're selling out, like, you know, clubs that I'm at, struggling over the weekend. Then they come in for a Sunday, 3pm show.

[Phil Hanley]

I can't imagine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they sell it out.

[Phil Hanley]

And some of them aren't comics per se. Like, some of them are like people that blew up on TikTok or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And they show their videos on stage, on a screen and they just take questions from the audience, but I can't imagine that.

[Phil Hanley]

So if the show's at three, the stress you're feeling at two, where you're like, I've done stand up 15 times. There's 600 people here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

And. And you can't blame them. They're. They're presented with this opportunity. They have, you know, agents and managers and stuff like that. Being like, this is the next move. Yeah, obviously they're going to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. They can't go like, all right, I'll go feature for 500 bucks a weekend when they could be making 10,000 for the weekend.

[Phil Hanley]

This, this could be your. I don' know how. This could be their shot. Right. So they're gonna do it. I don't blame them at all. But I do think in the green room they're like, okay, so I got that story that works sometimes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And then, you know, if they're smart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They bring somebody with them who can help them write an act. I saw like Joel McHale when he was blowing up on Talk Soup was a show he used to do.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And so he got very famous. He was almost like the first one of. The first Internet. Because it was short form, you know, it was almost like an Internet show. And so he started doing stand up and, you know, also a very good looking guy. So there was like, you know, resentment. People are like, who's this guy's good looking guy who's got fame and he sucks his stand up, but that dude put in the fucking work and he's now a really good comedian. But he started from scratch and he used to show clips on stage and do all that shit. And then he sort of like moved his way into just doing the stand up.

[Phil Hanley]

That's great. I feel like that the people that get these opportunities should look at him as a model then because. Yeah, I feel like that's not the way to learn. Standup is anonymous. No one knows you. And you go up and you fondle, you fumble in these, like, open mics.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

But to go up and have expectations, like when I meet someone on the road or if someone comes to the show and they're like, I'm thinking about doing stand up. I'm like, you just need five minutes. And there's as much pressure, your first sets as the pressure you feel the first time you sit down at a piano or pick up a guitar. You know, there's no. When you pick up a guitar and you don't know how to play anything, you don't put it down. Discouraged, you're like, oh, I'm gonna pick it up again. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I think it's like what you said about the year you spent in New York struggling and how that's sort of been fuel for you over your career now. I think there really needs to be that time where your jealousy is really important. Like, you need to see people that you started with suddenly get successful. And you go like, why him? You know, that's a huge motivator because you go, like, well, why him? Okay, why him? You know, what is he doing that's right?

[Phil Hanley]

Maybe learn from that and it's gonna be right. I mean, I had a moment like that. Like, I. I was very. My goal when I started standup. I watched comedian and I saw Jerry, like, hanging out at the Cellar with Quinn and, you know, having hummus and then going doing spots.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And I was like, that was my goal. Yeah, 100%. I want to work at the Comedy Cellar. I want to sit at those tables and I can even. I know the exact. I'm like, that scene where Colin and Jerry are sitting there or whatever. I was so inspired by that. And then. So I got to the Cellar and that. It's such a good experience, it's such a great club that I was content. And then I. My friends started playing theaters and selling tickets and. Yeah. And I just wasn't posting online. I was right. To me, that would seem like such a pain in the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now it's. You don't have an option.

[Phil Hanley]

No, no. And. And then I got used to it. And then. And then. And it really helped me. And then it, you know, I was able to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What kind of stuff do you post? I've never looked at your social. I don't look at social media very much.

[Phil Hanley]

You're in for a treat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But is it stand up clips?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, I do. I like, I'll just not know because I don't want to burn material. So I just post. Like, I've always Riffed a lot with the crowd since I started.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

So I just. Like a snippet of that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

I'll post that. And then you're not burning anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How often you do that?

[Phil Hanley]

Three times a week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shut up.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Three bits with the crowd, three clips a week.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Do you bring a camera guy with you?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, one of my openers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's so smart. Yeah, that's amazing.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. So, yeah, that's. But. And I've done that for a few years, and it's really helped because otherwise it's like I was just at the seller. So if you came to the seller and saw me, but chances are you're not going to remember my name or. You know what I mean? You might fuck it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Henley.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, Henley. Yeah, exactly. So. Yeah, so. Yeah. But. But it's so obvious what other people are doing. I feel like you just have to do the shit that.

So often. It's the stuff that is really unappealing is the missing link to what you have to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Phil Hanley]

And that's what social media. I was like, oh, God, I don't want to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But no, I was like, you know, even the. Picking up the phone, like before, you have an agent of having to pick up the phone and call bookers on a regular basis and feel like, am I annoying?

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. You know, whatever. And, like, trying to find that fine line between annoying and staying on top of becomes a science. You get obsessed with it. I would have, like, a date book, and I would write down, call Bill Downs on Tuesday, and then nine days later, call Bill Downs. Try 11am Instead of 3pm I hear he's better than.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you don't want to do that. You want to just go do.

[Phil Hanley]

Stand up and you want to. You know what I mean, get discovered. Like Jane Manfield, Jayne Mansfield. Yeah. Either one of them is a perfect example.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Her daughter is Marissa Hegel of Over.

Mariska Hartigan.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's on.

Homicide, Special Victims, law and order, SVU. She's been on it for 15 years, maybe 20 years. Good gig you did. Oh, Paul started on that show.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. He's an extra.

Paul's an extra.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. But that. You can't. No one. Like, you're not. No one's gonna walk into a club now and be like, this kid's going to the stars.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, listen, Phil Hanley, you're going to the stars with this new book. It's called My Life as a Dyslexic Wordsmith. Spellbound.

[Phil Hanley]

Spellbound.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Spellbound My life is dyslexic, wordsmith. And I'm sorry I didn't read it. I wish I'd gotten a copy from.

[Phil Hanley]

Your publicist, or I would have brought you one. Signed it too, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you do an audiobook for it?

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, I did the audiobook.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That must have been so hard for you.

[Phil Hanley]

It was so hard. It was crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Hanley]

It was. It was harder than writing the book. It's much harder because you audiobook, you got. You have to talk like this. You know what I mean? You have to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But could you read the words? Okay.

[Phil Hanley]

No, I can't. Like, I could read. Like, I could read, but it would be like.

Like, you know. So I got this guy. His name was Guy, and he was the director, and he was so cool and so patient. And he started. And he's like. He's like, we're gonna come in here. I did it two or three days a week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

In the studio. And he's like, we might do half an hour. We might do three hours. And I would get. The goal was to do three hours. I would get. There's a font that is easier for dyslexics to read. So I get pages printed out. Big font. And I'd go home, and it was when I still lived on the. In East Village, and I. So I didn't have a dad. I just had. I'd put my pages on the air fryer, like a podium, and I would memorize for three hours. I would memorize what I had to do the next day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

And I. So I would look at it, but I would be able to do. But it was so hard. Like, I would have to. Like, before I would do a page, I'd be like. Like, yeah. I would really have to get myself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just letting somebody else read it for you.

[Phil Hanley]

I thought about that a lot, but I felt. I knew they were gonna. And it's not like they're, you know, the. The book is funny. And it's also. There's parts that are sad. I mean, it's talking about a neurodiverse kid struggling right throughout his life. But there are. Obviously, there's jokes too. And I was like, I can't have an actor, you know, ruin my jokes. No offense.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So, yeah, he's an extra. He doesn't.

[Phil Hanley]

Well, it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Also. The special is called Ooh La La. It's on your YouTube channel.

[Phil Hanley]

That was a couple years ago, but still really worth revisiting. You'd enjoy watching it a second time, I'm sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did watch it.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, did you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I thought it was great.

[Phil Hanley]

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It's really good to me. Yeah.

[Phil Hanley]

Watch it. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Believable.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah. Thank you for watching it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course. And he's got gigs coming up. Indy, Winnipeg, Victoria, San Antonio, Norfolk, Virginia, Charlottesville, Lexington, Kentucky, Ontario, Canada, Ottawa, Halifax, Phoenix, Columbus. If you go to philhanley, h-a n l e y.com you can get tickets and you can get access to the special as well as the book. And what a pleasure, man. Thank you so much for coming.

[Phil Hanley]

Yeah, no, I was so excited to do that New Year's Eve with you and then obviously we've seen each other since then, but. Yeah, it was so nice. Great. Thank you for having me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, man. Good luck.

[Phil Hanley]

Thank you.

And Doug, here we have the Limu.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Emu in its natural habitat, helping people.

[Phil Hanley]

Customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera.

[Phil Hanley]

They see us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.

[Phil Hanley]

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