Fixable – "How to Negotiate with Confidence"

Guest: Deepak Malhotra (Harvard Business School Professor, negotiation expert, author)
Host: Frances Frei (Harvard Business School Professor)
Episode Release: October 27, 2025
Main Theme:
A deep-dive into building negotiation confidence and skills, featuring actionable strategies and real-world examples from master negotiator Deepak Malhotra. From workplace deals to everyday life, this episode demystifies negotiation and arms listeners with tools to navigate both big and small stakes conversations.

1. The Pervasiveness of Negotiation

• Negotiation: It's Everywhere
  • Frances and Anne reflect on how negotiation shapes our daily lives, from workplace deals to splitting chores at home.
    • Frances: "I think about it as capital N and small N negotiation. So the capital N we all, like, have to get screw up the courage to do well. But we're like small N negotiating all day." (03:14)
• Self-Perception vs. Negotiation Skills
  • Unlike driving, where most rate themselves above average, many feel under-confident as negotiators.

2. Key Mistakes Leaders Make in Negotiation

• Preparation Beyond the Basics (06:02)
  • Deepak Malhotra emphasizes the need for multidimensional preparation:
    • Know what you want—but also gather insight on the other side’s interests, constraints, and the process.
    • "Even effective negotiators fail to prepare multidimensionally. Not just about the substance of the deal, but about the process, about the framing, about the optics of the deal." (06:47)
• Empathy as a Tool, Not Just Nicety (08:27)
  • True leverage comes from understanding the other person’s reality:
    • "To be an effective advocate of yourself, you need to have tremendous empathy...the better you understand that, the more leverage you have in the negotiation."
• Too Narrow Focus
  • Mistake: Concentrating only on people/issues present, not considering all stakeholders or the bigger picture.

3. Ultimatums: Strategy and Pitfalls

• How to Handle an Ultimatum (09:09)
  • Ignore ultimatums when received; don’t dwell on them or force the issue.
    • "When somebody makes an ultimatum to me...my most likely response is to completely ignore it."
  • Think long-term—people may need to “walk back” ultimatums, and you don’t want them to lose face.
• Writing Their Victory Speech (10:05)
  • Attribute to Bill Urie: Prepare for how the other side will explain/justify the deal to their own people.
    • "We have to be in the habit of writing their victory speech for them."
• Ultimatums: When (and If) to Use Them
  • Only make red-line statements if you truly mean them—and are willing to follow through.
    • "Credibility is one of the most important things you can have as a negotiator." (13:10)
  • Prefer soft, collaborative approaches wherever possible; unnecessary ultimatums can “poison” the relationship.
    • "If there is a softer, more generous, more empathetic and collaborative way of achieving the same goal, why bother throwing out the ultimatum?" (13:48)

4. Common Negotiation Scenarios: Tactical Advice

a. “We Won’t Talk About Anything Else Until...” (14:19)

• Sometimes this is about earning trust or showing respect.
• Recognize their emotional needs, but don’t go down paths that don’t support your objective.
• “You don’t want to be a tactician. You want to be a strategist...even if I get my way, will we really be going down the path I want us to be going down? And at what cost?” (16:40)

b. "Nothing Is Agreed Until Everything Is Agreed" (Negotiation Principle; WNBA Example at 20:03)

• In complex situations with multiple issues, use this approach to prevent premature concessions and encourage full-package solutions.
• Malhotra: “What I would have proposed...is to emphasize the importance of this and to say whatever else we agree to is not a concession that you can pocket, because nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.” (21:40)

c. Flexibility in How (Not What) to Get There (24:24)

• Key phrase: “I know where I need to get, but I'm flexible in how we get there.”
• Be assertive about outcomes, but flexible about deal structure and pathways.
  • “The more currencies you allow somebody to pay you in, the more likely you get paid.” (25:40)

d. Interests vs. Positions (29:19)

• Focus on why someone wants something, not just what they say they want.
• Real example: Deadlock on timing—understand underlying constraints or motivations, and new creative solutions can emerge.
  • "As a negotiator, you want to get from what to why. Most of what people talk about in their negotiations and especially in their arguments and fights is, here's what I want...Your entire job as a negotiator...is the why." (30:56)
• Use emotional questioning—“Why is this timeline so important to you?”—to uncover new avenues for agreement.

5. Negotiation Tools for Everyone

• Deepak’s AI Advisor: Kilmer (32:17)
  • Aims to democratize access to expert negotiation advice at scale.
  • Works like a conversation partner, helping to prepare for all manner of negotiations—business or personal.
    • "It'll interact with you to help you prepare for any negotiation or difficult conversation or conflict...at any stage." (32:58)
  • Vision: Eventually, could be used in real time with groups—like a negotiation-savvy “fifth participant” in a meeting.

6. Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I don’t feel like we [Anne & Frances] negotiate a lot—or do I just win all the negotiations?” – Anne Morriss, (01:57), in jest.
• “Most people, when I ask about negotiations, they think they're a below-average negotiator. The confidence to negotiate is not spread evenly.” – Frances Frei, (05:36)
• “If something truly is a red line, I'll communicate it. Now, do I have to communicate it in an angry way? Do I need to communicate it in an assertive way?...That depends a little bit on the situation.” – Deepak Malhotra, (12:35)
• “Writing their victory speech for them...Think about what it is you're asking somebody to accept, and then ask yourself how will this person go back...and still be able to look good and declare victory to their audience.” – Deepak Malhotra, (10:05)
• “The more currencies you allow somebody to pay you in, the more likely you get paid.” – Deepak Malhotra, (25:40)
• “Your job as a negotiator is not simply to be an advocate...To be an effective advocate of yourself, you need to have tremendous empathy.” – Deepak Malhotra, (08:47)

7. Practical Takeaways

• Preparation is Everything: Look beyond your own needs to understand every facet—process, perceptions, and all stakeholders.
• Empathy Isn’t Optional: The person across the table has audiences and emotions; help them win, too.
• Ultimatums are Double-Edged: Reserve them for true red lines; ignore them when possible from the other side.
• Be Assertive about Outcomes, Flexible about Process: Know your end goal, but keep multiple paths open.
• Dig for Interests, Not Just Positions: Ask “why?” and get creative if you’re stuck.

8. Timestamps for Key Sections

• Negotiation in Everyday Life: 02:31–03:51
• The Confidence Gap & Common Mistakes: 05:36–09:00
• Ultimatums—Dos & Don’ts: 09:00–14:19
• “Nothing Agreed Until Everything Agreed”: 20:03–24:17
• Assertive Objectives, Flexible Process: 24:24–26:23
• Interests vs. Positions: 29:19–32:17
• AI Negotiation Advisor Kilmer: 32:17–35:49

In Summary

This episode is a masterclass in practical negotiation, demystifying fears and showing that the best negotiation is thoughtful, empathetic, and strategic—not combative. Deepak Malhotra reveals that preparation, curiosity, and flexibility are at the heart of confident negotiation. Whether you’re hashing out million-dollar deals or deciding who does the dishes, these principles and stories arm you with real-world confidence and tools—plus a glimpse into the future with AI-powered negotiation advice.