Fixable (TED): “How to repair any relationship” (w/ Master Fixer Dr. Becky)

Episode Date: December 1, 2025
Guests: Dr. Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist & Author
Hosts: Anne Morriss & Frances Frei

Overview

This episode of Fixable explores the deep connections between parenting and leadership, especially around the art of “repairing” relationships after harm or conflict. Hosts Anne Morriss and Frances Frei—leadership experts, spouses, and parents—sit down with Dr. Becky Kennedy (“Dr. Becky”), renowned clinical psychologist and creator of the “Good Inside” framework, to delve into practical strategies for navigating tough moments, ownership of mistakes, and building sturdy, resilient relationships at work and at home.

Main Themes and Purposes

• Parenting as Leadership: Drawing parallels between the two roles and how lessons from one can enhance the other.
• The Power of Repair: Why owning and fixing relationship breakdowns is the cornerstone of trust and effectiveness.
• Separation of Behavior and Identity: How to respond to “bad” moments without collapsing a person’s actions with their worth.
• Tactical Steps for Repair, Accountability, and Change: Concrete, actionable guidance for leaders (and parents).
• Emotional Safety and Playfulness: Cultivating sturdy, compassionate cultures through connection and play.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parenting is Leadership in Its Rawest Form

• Leadership and Parenting Overlap: The hosts discuss their own struggles balancing good parenting with effective work leadership, introducing Dr. Becky’s belief that “parenting is leadership in its rawest form.”
  • “We help parents become sturdy, confident leaders so they can raise sturdy, confident kids.” — Dr. Becky [03:59]
• Transferable Skills: Skills developed in one sphere directly benefit the other. Learning to manage oneself, understand others, and embody authority with connection is universally helpful.

2. What Does it Mean to Be ‘Sturdy?’

• Definition: Sturdiness means being connected to yourself and your values while also being present to someone else and their reality—holding both simultaneously.
  • “To me, sturdy leadership...can do both, even in the same moment.” — Dr. Becky [05:05]
• Consequence: Leaders and parents often do one or the other (either self-abandoning or becoming inflexible), but the magic is in balancing both.

3. Letting Go of Perfection and Embracing Play

• No Perfect Parent or Leader: Dr. Becky emphasizes empowerment, hope, compassion, power, and playfulness—not perfection.
  • “I hope they don’t feel the goal is any type of perfection.” — Dr. Becky [06:23]
• Playfulness as an Indicator: Playfulness is a sign you’re bringing your whole self to a challenge. It’s not frivolous but a creative resource for tough situations.
• Modeling Play: Many adults find play unnatural because they weren’t played with as kids, but “it can be so manageable to ease into play, and it is often the answer to the hardest moments, ironically.” [07:14]

4. Separation of Behavior and Identity: The ‘Good Inside’ Framework [07:59–11:00]

• Danger of Collapsing Behavior into Identity: Responding to bad behavior by assuming a person is bad leads to desperation and weak punishment.
• Analogy to the Workplace: Sending a child to their room ("no dessert tonight") is as ineffective as a CEO denying an employee lunch–both are “pathetic.”
  • “Can you imagine an amazing CEO to someone who’s late being like, ‘Well, I’m not ordering you lunch today.’ I’d be like, oh my god, that’s so weak.” — Dr. Becky [09:16]
• Kids (and people) are Born 'Good Inside’: Bad behavior indicates a ‘capability gap,’ not a character flaw. Interventions should focus on skill-building, not punishment.

5. The Repair Process

[14:21–19:30, 22:25–26:59]

a. What Is Repair? Why Does It Matter?

• Definition: “Repair is the act of going back to a moment that felt bad, taking ownership over your part, and stating what you would do differently next time.” — Dr. Becky [14:21]
• Impact: Unrepaired hurts lead to self-blame stories—especially in children, but the pattern repeats in adults at work.
• Positive Aftermath: “The muscle memory of that story comes with us as adults into every workplace and every relationship with every authority figure for the rest of our lives.” — Anne [17:54]

b. Steps to Effective Repair

1. Repair with Yourself First:
   • “Most people...haven’t done a necessary first step, which is actually repairing with themselves.” — Dr. Becky [20:33]
   • Use self-compassion statements, e.g., “I’m a good person who yelled. I’m not defined by my latest behavior.”
2. Basic Script:
   • Name the behavior: “I’m sorry for yelling earlier.”
   • State the impact: “That wasn’t your fault. I’m sure that felt bad, especially in front of others.”
   • Describe what you’ll do differently: “I was frustrated, but it’s my responsibility to manage that respectfully.”
   • Follow-through: Actual change is necessary; empty promises erode trust.
   • Separate Cause from Reaction: It's natural to be frustrated, but how you handle it is your responsibility.
3. Avoid Blame in Apologies:
   • “I’m sorry for yelling, but if you listened the first time…” just teaches kids/adults to use the same excuse pattern.

c. No Expiration on Repair

• Even Years Later Helps: It’s never too late to repair. Adults wish their parents would call and acknowledge past harm—“Being held in someone’s mind is really powerful.” — Dr. Becky [29:47]

d. Repair Makes Relationships Stronger

• Counterintuitive Payoff: Data shows relationships can become even stronger after a proper repair.
  • “How good it feels to get a repair so surpasses how bad it feels to have a bad moment.” — Dr. Becky [14:21]
  • “More often than not, the relationship gets stronger than before the harm took place...customers spend more, people are more loyal.” — Anne [26:59]

e. Directness and Honest Acknowledgement Are Key

• Effective Repair is Concrete: Be explicit and back up words with evidence of change.
  • “What people want is concrete and evidence...proactively share progress.” — Dr. Becky [31:43]

6. Repair from Both Sides: Coaching for Employees and Managers

[34:36–41:09]

• If You’re the ‘Yelled At’:
  • Use AVP: Acknowledge (“hi, racing heart”), Validate (“makes sense I feel bad”), Permit (“okay to have these feelings”).
  • Remind yourself: “I’m a good person who had a tough moment; two things can be true.”
  • If safe, open conversation with boss: “I want to talk to you about something hard...we’re on the same team.”
    • “A little preamble loads a story in someone else’s mind to interpret your words through...they’re less likely to see it as a personal attack.” [38:35]
• If Boss Doesn’t Repair: Write a letter to yourself with the words of repair you wish you’d hear—it’s impactful, even if “cheesy.”

7. Handling Organizational Change & Frustration

[40:54–45:14]

• Policy Change:

  • “Start with hearing people out. Validating feelings doesn’t mean you agree.” Use three go-to lines:
    1. “I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this.”
    2. “I believe you.”
    3. “Tell me more.”
  • Anchor with follow-ups: “Let’s check in on this Friday at 2:15.”

• Accountability & Urgency:

  • Start with shared goals: “We’re on the same team, and moving this metric matters.”
  • Use curiosity: “It makes me wonder if I haven’t been clear enough about the deadline…if you need something from me...”
  • End with specific next steps and express belief: “I believe in you. Let’s figure this out together.”

8. Key Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I’m a good person who yelled. I’m not defined by my latest behavior. I can do this.” — Dr. Becky [20:33]
• “How we connect to other people determines how they connect to themselves and people in their world. And that’s what culture is too.” — Dr. Becky [26:35]
• “There’s not an expiration date on repair.” — Anne & Dr. Becky [28:55]
• “At our souls we’re all just looking to feel believed.” — Dr. Becky [41:09]
• “When you’re struggling, there’s nothing that feels as good as somebody seeing potential in you.” — Dr. Becky [43:46]
• “I think 100% of my work applies to leadership.” — Dr. Becky [45:49]

Timestamps of Important Segments

• 03:59 — Parenting as leadership; sturdy confidence
• 07:14 — The importance and “how” of playfulness
• 09:16 — Why punishment is ineffective; behavior ≠ identity
• 14:21 — The repair process explained
• 20:33 — Repairing with yourself before apologizing to others
• 22:25 — What makes for an effective (or failed) apology
• 26:59 — The counterintuitive payoff of repair
• 28:55 — No expiration date for repair
• 34:53 — Employee self-talk and how to ‘metabolize’ negative experiences
• 38:35 — Coaching for conversations after being hurt
• 41:09 — Handling hard emotions during organizational change
• 43:46 — Creating urgency and accountability as a leader
• 45:49 — Dr. Becky: 100% applies to leadership

Closing Thoughts

Dr. Becky masterfully illuminates how the principles of sturdy, compassionate parenting are the same ones that make organizational and personal leadership truly transformative. Repair is not just about fixing what’s broken; it’s about strengthening bonds beyond their former limits. The episode is a practical, hope-infused playbook for anyone who wants to lead, parent, or simply be a sturdier, kinder human.

Learn more:

• Dr. Becky Kennedy: goodinside.com
• Fixable: TED Audio Collective