Podcast Summary: “Creating a Strong Foundation for a Healthy Marriage”

Podcast: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Guests: Jim Daly, John Fuller (hosts), Pastor Scott Kedersha (guest)
Date: September 4, 2025
Main Resource Discussed: “Ready or Not: 12 Conversations Every Couple Needs to Have Before Marriage” by Scott Kedersha

Episode Overview

This episode centers on building a strong, Christ-centered foundation for marriage, whether you are preparing to marry, newly married, or seeking to strengthen your current relationship. Guest Pastor Scott Kedersha shares from his experience as a marriage and family pastor, drawing from his book on premarital conversations. The discussion covers essential topics such as discernment in dating, the importance of community, vulnerability about personal struggles, the power of prayer, and selfless love modeled by family and faith.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Gravity of the Marriage Decision

Timestamp: 02:16 – 02:54

• Scott Kedersha emphasizes marriage as one of life’s most consequential choices:
  “Apart from whether or not you're going to follow Jesus. This is probably the second most important decision you're ever going to make.” (B, 02:28)
• The choice of spouse “affects 90 to 95% of your joy in life or your misery in life.” (B, 02:54)

2. Scott & Kristen’s Relationship Journey

Timestamp: 03:04 – 05:03

• Scott shares about meeting Kristen during a PT rotation, their rocky dating history, crossing boundaries, breaking up upon friends’ advice, and reconciling after personal growth in Christ.
• Their challenging on-again, off-again dating period strongly motivated Scott’s book:
  “The way that we dated one another was really the motive for why I wanted to write a book about this. I didn't want people to do the same things I did.” (B, 04:39)

3. The “Stoplight System” for Relationship Discernment

Timestamp: 05:03 – 07:55

Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light

• Green: All signs positive, mutual excitement, aligned values.
• Red: Warning signs mean couples should stop—for example:
  • Not aligned on faith
  • Inability to resolve conflict
  • Unaddressed addictions (e.g. “alcohol, drugs, pornography…” (B, 05:51))
  • Unanimous opposition from family/friends
    “A red light is really a gift for a couple... it’s painful in the moment... but what a gift. Long term despair.” (B, 05:26 – 05:50)
• Yellow: Caution; problems like debt, mixed community opinions, or lingering issues mean hit pause and get serious about resolving them.
  “A yellow light helps us get serious about what we need to figure out before we keep moving forward.” (B, 07:55)

4. Community, Prayer, and Church Involvement

Timestamp: 07:55 – 11:13

• Couples who attend church, read scripture, and—critically—pray together have extremely low divorce rates (1 in 1,000).
  • “The one thing you should be doing together is pray together because it builds intimacy.” (A, 08:24)
• Scott candidly admits he and Kristen were slow to make shared prayer a routine:
  “If I could go back... this would be the one thing I would have done differently...now it's become this sweet thing where we know what's going on with each other's lives.” (B, 08:35–09:36)
• Scott sets daily alarms with meaningful times to prompt prayer for each family member (e.g., “pray for our marriage every day at 9:15.” (B, 10:17 – 11:13))

5. The Danger of Relational Isolation (“Submarining”)

Timestamp: 11:13 – 14:15

• Scott warns about couples “submarining”—disappearing from friends and community when relationships get serious.
  • “All we do is spend time with one another... nobody has the opportunity to observe us to see what our relationship is like, and then we speak into it. Exactly.” (B, 11:33–12:08)
• Balancing time together and continued accountability/mentoring is critical.
• Practical advice: Regular group dates, seeking out experienced married couples for wisdom.

6. Being a Lifelong Student of Your Spouse

Timestamp: 14:15 – 16:02

• Pursue your partner with genuine curiosity, just like during dating.
  • “We do this really well in dating, but then we get married and we stop being a student of our spouse... we just get lazy and complacent.” (B, 15:50)
• 1 Peter 3:7 cited: understanding your spouse impacts the health of your marriage and your spiritual life.

7. The Value of Vulnerability and Honesty

Timestamp: 16:02 – 21:38

• Couples tend to act as each other’s “PR departments,” hiding flaws and brokenness when dating.
  • “We put our best foot forward...we hide the stuff.” (B, 16:35)
• Scott models vulnerability, disclosing his struggles with pornography and other personal issues to Kristen before marriage.
  • “I didn't want Kristen to know. If she knew, she would probably end the relationship. And so...I finally came to terms with, I've got to deal with this struggle...” (B, 16:35–17:31)
• Kristen responds with grace, seeing him as a forgiven follower of Christ:
  • “She knew that I was a forgiven follower of Jesus Christ. And honestly, the way that she handled my confession to my past was one of the most affirming things I ever could have seen.” (B, 18:44)
• True intimacy: “To know and be known without fear of rejection” (B, 20:16); if your vulnerability leads to repeated rejection, it may be a yellow or red flag for the relationship.

8. Selfless Love: A Family Example

Timestamp: 21:42 – 24:34

• Scott shares his mother’s sacrificial love for his stepfather, who suffered from Alzheimer’s.
  • “There was nothing that she was getting in return... She did everything, all the days till the day that my stepfather passed away. And I look at that and I see that’s kind of what we sign up for in marriage.” (B, 22:29 – 23:55)
• Christlike marriage is about selfless, sacrificial love—doing for your spouse even when nothing is given in return.

9. Evaluating Ourselves for Lifelong Commitment

Timestamp: 24:34 – 25:25

• The decision to marry is also about honestly appraising your own willingness to be selfless and serve.
  • “Are you the type of person who's willing to lay their life down for their spouse all the days of your life?” (B, 24:40)

Memorable Quotes

• “Apart from whether or not you're going to follow Jesus. This is probably the second most important decision you're ever going to make.”
  — Scott Kedersha, 02:28

• “A red light is really a gift for a couple...it’s painful in the moment...but what a gift. Long term despair.”
  — Scott Kedersha, 05:26

• “The one thing you should be doing together is pray together because it builds intimacy.”
  — Jim Daly, 08:24

• “If I could go back to the beginning and change this habit, this would be the one thing I would have done differently is that we would have prayed together from the beginning.”
  — Scott Kedersha, 09:09

• “All we do is spend time with one another. And nobody has the opportunity to observe us, to see what our relationship is like...”
  — Scott Kedersha, 11:43

• “We do this really well in dating, but then we get married and we stop being a student of our spouse... we just get lazy and complacent.”
  — Scott Kedersha, 15:50

• “To know and be known without fear of rejection. And so this idea that we would know one another...and that she's not going to reject me.”
  — Scott Kedersha, 20:16

• “The way that my mom loved my dad, sacrificially, selflessly. It's the way that Jesus loves us... Incredible picture of marriage.”
  — Scott Kedersha, 23:55

Key Takeaways

• Don’t rush or minimize the choice of spouse—prayerfully and wisely discern.
• Honesty, vulnerability, and community are crucial to preparing for marriage.
• Continual, shared prayer is a powerful “silver bullet” for marital unity and longevity.
• Purposefully expose your relationship to community for feedback, support, and accountability.
• Intentionally seek to understand and serve your spouse daily—never stop being a student of their heart.
• Model your marriage after Christ’s selfless love, embracing both the joys and sacrificial demands of the commitment.
• Assess both your partner and yourself for a spirit of lifelong, Christlike love.

For more in-depth help or to find Scott Kedersha's book and other resources, visit the show notes or contact Focus on the Family.