← Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
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- [00:01]
Jim Daly
God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope. Visit truthrising.com today. That's truthrising.com.
- [00:32]
Carrie Stageberg
I was so locked into my own brokenness that I couldn't see past that. And so I know a lot of parents are going, gosh, like, did they not realize how much this is hurting them or other people or us? And the reality is, no, I had no idea because I couldn't see past just the situation that I was in in that moment. And so I think just staying consistent, I mean, my parents had wonderful boundaries in that season, but they also took the opportunities that they could to speak life, and the door was always open.
- [01:01]
John Fuller
That's Carrie Stageberg describing a difficult season in her life as a prodigal and how she and her parents navigated that season of wobbling faith. Carrie is back with us today, along with her father, Dr. John Trent. And our topic last time and again today is the idea of giving a blessing to someone and what it looks like when that blessing has been withheld. Welcome to another episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, and thanks for joining us.
- [01:29]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
John, you mentioned that the blessing, I'm not sure most people even understand. What does that mean? And we talked last time about Dr. Trent, John, as we know him, observation of Esau and Jacob. You know, Jacob stole the blessing from Esau and it basically disrupted a lot of history. Right. And Esau, you know, it's just part of what we go through. And I think so often in modernity, we just don't have that blessing from our parents. Sometimes we end up with curses from our parents. And if you didn't hear last time, go to the website and get the download to listen in or get the app so you can hear all the library of great programs. But it would be good for you to catch the program last time because we kind of set the stage to talk about the blessing this time. And I'm sure most people, as I said last time, we're living in this place. We don't even know maybe that we have never felt or been given a blessing that John and Carrie were talking about. So today we're going to continue that discussion. If you feel broken in some place, which if you're human, you probably do, you need that Blessing, you need to feel like people see you. You're known, you're created for a purpose, that your identity, especially for Christians, is in Christ. What does that mean for you now? And of course, the Lord's blessing to us all. I mean, he is the ultimate father of blessings.
- [02:49]
Dr. John Trent
Indeed.
- [02:50]
John Fuller
Yeah. And John and Carrie have written a number of books. They Speak, They Head Strong Families, which is a terrific ministry. And we've got details about them. And the book that forms the foundation for our discussion today, your Journey From Broken to Blessed. It's all about what Jim was just talking about. Get a copy of that book from us here. We've got details in the show notes.
- [03:10]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
John and Carrie, welcome back.
- [03:12]
Dr. John Trent
Hey, great to be back with you.
- [03:14]
Carrie Stageberg
Thanks for having us.
- [03:15]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
Yeah, it's so good. And it's always fun and interesting to talk with you about what's going on. And as I said, we covered a lot of that last time. Carrie, you did go through that prodigal stuff and kind of wandered and were in an abusive marriage. And thankfully, the Lord provided a way to a healthier place for you.
- [03:34]
Carrie Stageberg
Absolutely.
- [03:35]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
And John, you talked about your childhood, you know, growing up as, you know, with your twin brother, with a single parent mom. And I certainly can relate to that. You know, it's something like 40% of children today are in that situation, a single parent, a lot more dads. You know, we talk about single parent moms. Boy, we hear from you, the audience, you're going, hey, I'm a single parent dad. That group is growing where the dads are taking over or parents. 2 million kids are now being raised by their grandparents in America today just because the adult children have lost their way. And so much of this is wrapped up in the gnarledness of our childhood and our teen years and all the addictions and all the coping. John, let me ask you this. When it comes to those things, the way we medicate, you know, that's a common thing to say. We create coping mechanisms. You know, some of those things are maybe not that bad, biting your nails, whatever it might be. There's small things that we do to medicate our anxiety, maybe our depression. There's bigger things like drugs, alcoholism, pornography. So often in the Christian community, we're quick to attack the symptom as behavioral problems. But those symptoms are really signs of deeper things going on, which is where Jesus would go, right? It's not the fact that you've lived with five men, it's this. And he goes more to the core of that woman at the well or the woman caught in adultery, what have you speak to that and how we as Christians could be more effective to look beneath behavior to the core problem.
- [05:15]
Dr. John Trent
Yeah, well man, that's a big question.
- [05:18]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
No.
- [05:21]
Dr. John Trent
That'S such a great introduction to this whole broken to blessed journey because I think for a lot of us, we don't set off to be miserable. We don't set off to have a.
- [05:31]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
It's kind of like marriage.
- [05:35]
Dr. John Trent
But man, we start thinking that when you're lacking that sense of blessing and it's so vital, it's so crucial, if you weren't able to hear last time, when you do have somebody that speaks into your life, when you have God's blessing in particular, and we'll get into that, there's deep sense of finally being able to relax. You were an awesome athlete and John was phenomenal. So you guys didn't have to worry about this. But remember in like, you know, eight or nine years old and you're on the playground and they're divvying up teens, okay, that was the worst.
- [06:14]
Carrie Stageberg
As a five foot tall girl, that was the worst.
- [06:16]
Dr. John Trent
Let me tell you, you know, you're waiting to get chosen. You're waiting, you know, and I think for a lot of us, man, we see this person go and this person and you know, but when you finally get chosen, okay, guess what? CS Lewis says he's talking to the weight of glory about, you know, God loving us. God, you blessing us. What's the weight of glory? He goes, it's not that God is glorious, it's that God loves us. And he says it's as if the door we've been knocking on all our life is finally opened and somebody welcomes us in. And so what I'm getting at is we are created for connection. So when we keep knocking on the door and we get rejected and we get hurt, well that's where all the self medication comes in and we can start thinking, well man, I'm going to. Or we medicate ourselves like, oh, I'm just going to become, if I become famous, that'll help.
- [07:13]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
Now pursuit of money, whatever it might be.
- [07:16]
Dr. John Trent
Yeah. And you know, when you get fame, when you get things, when you get all this stuff, guess what, that's not going to do it. So guess what? You need to be praying to God. And that's where we're at, man, when you get to the place. And for me it was in high school, who knows, you know, again with Carrie, it was in her, you know, journey. But in Psalm 120, verse 1 it says this. I cried to the Lord in my trouble, and he answered me. I mean, that's that attachment moment. That's when you realize, okay, I didn't get something. I've got all this brokenness. But, man, am I tired of it. You know, we just get so sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know, and then. But man, once we realize in Christ, what can happen to us, it is. It's just amazing.
- [08:04]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
It's so true. I remember, I remember being at. It was the Seattle Mariners baseball stadium with Dr. Dobson, and he was addressing a group there, a large group, and LGBTQ folks came in, probably 30 or 40, and they had tambourines and drums. And when he got up to speak, they began to bang him and hold up signs. There's probably 40,000 people there. And I remember he just looked. He was on a stage at second base looking toward home plate. And he looked over to the right, right by third base where they had collected. And he just said, I know there's pain in your heart. And it went silent. They stopped. And he said, you won't be able to fill that void until you reach out to Jesus. And they just stopped. And then he went on with his presentation. They didn't disrupt any more of it. And I think it's such a quintessential thing that you're saying there that I want to highlight it, is that no matter where you're at with God, without God believing in Christ, not believing in Christ, that hole in your heart is not going to be filled with sexual situations, with money, with fame, with a title. You're going to get there on that side, which I've talked to some of my gay friends and they've said, even now we have marriage, it hasn't filled this hole in my heart. And I said, it never will.
- [09:24]
Dr. John Trent
Yeah.
- [09:25]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
And that's the point of humanity. But here's the follow up question on that. John or Carrie, either one of you or both of you, this life is set up. It's rigged for that. It's like the Lord wants us to go through the valley and either we go through with our fish shaking at him or we go through humbly saying, lord, help me, why do we have to do this? Why do we have to be broken? I mean, to go through the brokenness. I love that scripture says he's close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit. But the person right now listening that's going through that valley, going, yeah, I want an answer to that question.
- [10:05]
Carrie Stageberg
Yeah, well, I can take that one because I'm coming out of a valley. You know, we've talked about my past and experiencing abuse, but you know, brokenness doesn't stop once you've found Christ. You know, things can still happen, life still happens, challenges still happen. And it's been, I can't even believe it's been almost two years, but I was three weeks postpartum. I had a three week old. My almost two year old. My husband Joey and I, we were in the car Dr. To go see Thomas the train. And a kid was, two kids were street racing. One lost control of their vehicle, hit the back of our truck and we flew into the air, into the median and then kind of like an action movie caught air and rolled four times on, on i5 in Seattle. And we, I didn't know if Joey was alive when they put him in the ambulance. Praise God. My, my two little boys were safe. Wow. But I just remember while we're rolling, just saying, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, you know, and we landed on our wheels. Praise God. But Joey broke five vertebrae in his neck. He suffered a traumatic brain injury. And all of a sudden I went from being a mom of 202 to a mom of 202 and a full time caretaker. And there's no answers on how long is this gonna last, what does this mean for our family, you know, what is new normal gonna be for Joey? And so the last two years really has been that valley. And I think what has helped me so much is going, I have this journal and I call it my blessing journal. And it's, I've gone back. I started a long time ago. But it's every place that God has shown up, every time he's shown up, big or small. And I go back to that all the time. Okay, he showed up here, he showed up here, he showed up here. And after, you know, five or six of those things, you're going, he's gonna show up here. It may not be different today, but he's doing something even though I don't see it. And that's not to say that I was super happ the whole time. I mean, it was hard as anything. There were some really, really tough moments. And I probably called you crying more in the last two years than I have ever going. I don't know how I'm gonna do this. How do you do this? But God is so close in those moments and he shows up when we're looking for it and when we ask for his help and he really can meet us in that brokenness.
- [12:19]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
Think of this perspective. Alistair Begg. I just caught a sermon that he had on the radio. I was listening, and he said, if that scripture is true, that he's close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit, why as Christians, we don't run to that place to meet God there. You got to stop and think about that statement. You know, we want comfort, we want quietness, we want peace, we want all those good things. But it's like you want to be close to the Lord, then put yourself at risk or be in a place where you desperately need him.
- [12:54]
Carrie Stageberg
And I. Sorry to piggyback on that because I think that's so critical a practical way to do that, that really helped me and Joey in this situation was we've referenced my uncle a couple times, but it was like three or four days after the accident, my uncle sent us a text message and it was a quote on gratitude. And basically it was, you know, gratitude is the antidote to fear. Gratitude is the tap root of joy. And it was something that we could go back to again and again and again. When you're starting to go through, my husband's alive, my kids survived, I'm still here. You know, we're. You start listing gratitude, all of a sudden the fear doesn't have a place. All of a sudden that anger is gone. All of a sudden you are able to really look at it and go, you know what? It might not be okay today, but God's not done with the story. And so that gratitude really was the piece that helped us tap into that joy.
- [13:44]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
Yeah. And last time, John, you mentioned your dad very quickly. And I wanted to circle because this fits with the concept you have in the book about change, pictures of your past.
- [13:55]
Jim Daly
And I want you to connect this.
- [13:57]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
But hang on, wait for the question. Your dad was disconnected from you. You had an attempt in high school, he didn't show up, and then later connected, but it wasn't good. He was an alcoholic, man. I could relate. So was my dad died of alcoholism. And I want you to speak in that context of that with how to change that picture. I mean, all of us that have abusive substance, abusive fathers, whether it's drugs or alcohol, and they're just not there. They're not dad, they're not playing the role. How do we change a picture of that?
- [14:33]
Dr. John Trent
Yeah, well, you know, two things really jump out at me. I mean, the first one is something that happened to this guy named Josiah. Now, Josiah was an Old Testament king. He became king as a very young age. Right. But guess what? His Grandfather was literally so evil, he did child sacrifice. He just was a horrendous person. He dies. And then guess what he does? He goes, I want to be buried, okay, in the garden in my home there. You know, so here's Grandpa's memory right.
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Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
There in the palace.
- [15:09]
Dr. John Trent
Yeah, in the palace there. Well, then his son takes over. He's horrible. And he's literally, it says in Hebrew, he's slaughtered by these guys. He's so wicked, he only lasts about three years and then is slaughtered and he gets buried right in the garden in his home. Now, think about those pictures. Every day you're walking by this grandpa and dad. And so, I mean, you would almost think, well, now Josiah. And so Josiah walked in the way of his father's, you know, Manasseh. And his dad, you know, well, it doesn't. It says, and Josiah became king, and he walked in all the ways of his father, David. Okay, now, wait a minute, David. That was hundreds of years earlier. But what was he doing, you know, when you look at your dad? So I would look at my dad, and God bless him, I tried to honor him, honor your father. Mother. I got all of his work medals.
- [16:10]
Jim Daly
You know, World War II vet.
- [16:12]
Dr. John Trent
Yeah, World War II vet. I got all of his medals and put them in a shadow box and I put it above the piano where Carrie and Laura would practice, because I wanted him to realize, okay, there's a good side to dad. Okay? But I had to choose a different dad. In essence, some different pictures. And it was this guy, the 6 foot 4, ex Chico State offensive tackle, who shows up at our football practice.
- [16:36]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
Big dad.
- [16:37]
Dr. John Trent
Yeah. And I'm. I'm, you know, I'm a student linebacker. I'm small, but at least I'm slow. You know what I mean? And this guy's standing there. Well, I'd never had a dad come to my game or a practice. Who comes to practice? Well, here's this young life leader that shows up, and he would go to our games and go to practices, and then he invites us home. And what Doug would do is he, you know, a bunch of us, his wife would cook, you know, these great meals, and we'd sit around the table. And the first time I ever sat down at the Barham house, you know, I just dig in, put the food down. I don't know the Lord, you know, this is a Christian family, though. And so he goes, hang on a minute, hang on a minute. I've already got food in my mouth. You know? And he goes, we always pray for the Food. So I'm going. And he goes. And we hold hands. And I'm sitting next to Doug. And I have never held hands with a grown man. Okay? My mom never remarried. And so I'm holding hands with Doug. He prays. And so I don't know if I supposed to spit it out or what, you know, but I. But after dinner, we're all tugging, and then it's time to put the four year old and a five year old to bed. And he would walk us down the hall. So picture. Here's four or five football guys with Doug and the two little kids, right? You know, and so he puts down one of them and holds Andy as Andy and Mike. And let's say as Andy is in his arms. And so he prays a blessing over him in the hallway. Oh, my gosh, I hadn't seen something like that. See what I mean? You know, and then he goes, all right. And, you know, his bed's across the room. And he goes, you ready?
- [18:10]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
Yeah.
- [18:10]
Dr. John Trent
And he goes, shadrach, Meshach. And to bed we go. I didn't get the Bible humor, but he throws it up and he hits the bed and hits the wall, bounces. And what does a kid do when they're four or five? Do it again.
- [18:23]
Carrie Stageberg
Do it again.
- [18:25]
Dr. John Trent
And he jumps in his arms. Well, I'm telling you, I literally, the next Sunday, I get my Volkswagen van, put the mower in there, drive over to Doug Barum's house and start mowing his yard. And he comes out and what do you. Hey, what's up? And he knew we had no money, you know, and he goes, do you need some money? I go, no, no, no. I just happen to be out here with my mower, you know, kind of a thing. He's driving by, totally normal day. He goes, well, you want to. You want to come in for dinner? Because I had waited right at the end, you know, and I got to have dinner with the Barums. And I'm telling you, when you see God's love, and that's what he does so often, he gets somebody out of the blue to step into your life, and that starts your journey from broken to blessed. Because for you, it might have been, you know, a coach or that keeper. You see what I'm getting at?
- [19:17]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
All of a sudden, there's somebody.
- [19:19]
Dr. John Trent
And, man, it can change our life story.
- [19:21]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
Carrie, as we're zeroing in on this idea of the blessing, I want to bring us back. You talked about your story last time, and, you know, having prodigal years and Those difficulties. And, you know, sorry, but that's the testimony the Lord has given you.
- [19:37]
Carrie Stageberg
Absolutely.
- [19:37]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
And so you got to come back to that.
- [19:39]
Jim Daly
But you came home.
- [19:41]
Carrie Stageberg
Yeah.
- [19:41]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
You had to go to the doorstep and ring the bell, and your parents opening the door, what did your dad do that meant so much to you?
- [19:51]
Carrie Stageberg
Yeah, you know, I had actually. I had gotten out of that abusive situation a couple of weeks before, and I knew that physical proximity was kind of a key to staying away. So I had actually gone to Washington State to get some help and some counseling. And he. My ex, did not know where I was. And so that particular time, I was flying home and I showed up at the front door. And unbeknownst to me, my ex had shown up several hours before I got home, threatening my family, their physical safety, trying to figure out where I was, and also sharing a lot of embarrassing and probably inappropriate details about what had happened over the last several years. So I didn't know that I was walking into that. So I'm coming home thinking, well, I've just had a couple of weeks of trying to put my life back together, and I'm finally feeling like there's some hope maybe for me to do that. And I get home and discover what I'm walking into. And I remember thinking, well, it's a really good thing my bags are packed, because I'm just gonna be heading right back out. And I will never forget it as long as I live. My dad just put his hand on my shoulder and just said, carrie, it's not about where you've been, and it's about where you're going. And he gave me his blessing. And I wanna be really clear on this. That doesn't mean that trust was restored in that moment. That didn't mean that there wasn't still work that had to be done to heal and reconcile things. But I knew in that moment that there was literally nothing that I could do that would cause my parents to say, that's it, we're done. And that there really was a future for me if I wanted to continue down that path of healing. And I had parents that were gonna stand by me and help me walk through that even after they face something horrible. And that also, I think, was the first catalyst for me of realizing my decisions impacted other people. It wasn't just me who was impacted by what had happened. My parents were as well, and my sister.
- [21:45]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
John, let me ask you this. We're winding down on the second day here, and, of course, we scratched the surface of the book so people need to get the book, to get more of the concepts, et cetera. And that's what we do. We're not going to give you the whole thing because we just can't do it. And you guys have done a terrific job writing this out. But that the last moments with your dad. I want to come back there.
- [22:06]
Jim Daly
You've described kind of blessing by drip irrigation.
- [22:09]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
If I could say it that way, there is that moment for the big blessing. But even welcoming Carrie back and putting your hand on her shoulder, we're always going to love you. You can't do anything to knock that love out. But we got to talk about boundaries. However, even that in a way is a blessing. An irrigation drip. Irrigation blessing. You're with your dad on his deathbed. You're hoping for something, I'm sure, describe what happened.
- [22:37]
Dr. John Trent
Well, that was kind of a difficult time in the standpoint that I'd had him in three different nursing homes. Now this is later in his life. He is a chain smoking alcoholic. He was still fighting World War II and trying to drink away all the bad pictures and memories. And so he's dying of congestive heart and lung failure. And I put him in this one and he had no money. And so I had him in this one nursing home. And he gets kicked out of that because some elderly lady would invade his space and then he'd get kicked out of that one. So I had him in three different nursing homes. And so the last day of his life, we're talking and I'm praying for him because it's a really tough way. He's choking to death. It's really tough. And I'm just praying, God have mercy. I wasn't preaching, you know, and he cusses at me for preaching at him, you know, so I do think for some of us we're going to end up. You've had Gary and Barb Rosberg on, you know, you know, his whole thing about closing the loop, you know, I was never able. He died at 4:14. I was staring at this clock in his hospital. 4:14 in the afternoon. It was about 112 degrees in August in Phoenix when he breathed his last. And you know, when somebody does that, you know, and I mean, it's just that moment. I mean, you do, you just cry out, bless me, even me, also my father. But I'm so grateful, man. I had, you know, Jesus, you know, chooses us, loves us, redeems us. You know, I had Doug Barum, I had my mom. You know, there's those people that God had put in your life that can help you reverse the curse. But for some of us, you know, you gotta prepare for that last day where maybe they won't. You know, we hear from people all the time, oh, I read your book and I went back and talked to my dad and we, everything, everything worked out.
- [24:32]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
And you're going, oh, good for you.
- [24:34]
Dr. John Trent
I just love it. No, and you've done that. How many times have you done that? But you realize, okay, that's not going to be true for everybody.
- [24:40]
Carrie Stageberg
Yeah, Jesus is gonna have to close some loops. And you know, same thing with my ex husband. There's, there's appropriately no communication. And Jesus is the one that has had to close that loop for me. And, you know, he's able to do that.
- [24:55]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
He is able to do that. And what a wonderful reminder from John and Carrie today about how God wants to patch the holes in our heart with his unconditional love. That's what motivates us here at Focus.
- [25:07]
Jim Daly
On the Family to spread this good.
- [25:09]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
News message to as many families as possible. We recently heard from a man named, named Vic who listened to this broadcast every day during his commute to work. And Vic said this, your program's taught me to be a better Christian, husband, father, brother, and more. And I want to support Focus in spreading the gospel and helping families be stronger. That's why we do what we do here at Focus. And with your monthly support, we can encourage the faith of even more Christians like Vic.
- [25:41]
John Fuller
Right. And right now we're trying to recruit more people to join our Friends of the family program where you're committing to give to Focus on a monthly basis. That really gives us the stability we need from month to month to respond to hundreds of thousands of families who contact us every year.
- [26:01]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
And John, we're not asking for a huge amount. It could be $10 a month. That collective effort is what makes the difference. $10, $20.
- [26:10]
Jim Daly
All of it helps.
- [26:10]
Host/Interviewer (possibly John Fuller or Jim Daly)
And this is a great opportunity for you to do ministry through your giving to Focus. So we want to invite you to make a monthly pledge if possible, or send a one time gift. And we'll say thank you by sending you a copy of John and Carrie's book, your journey from broken to blessed.
- [26:26]
John Fuller
We'd love to hear from you today. Just call 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459 or click the link in the show notes. And you might want to reach out to us for help. If you've experienced brokenness in your family, maybe you really resonated with the stories from John and Carrie today and, you know, a similar kind of pain. If so, we'd be happy to connect you with one of our caring Christian Counselors. Just call 800-the-letter A in the word family and we'll set that up for you. Thanks for joining us. Joining us today for FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
- [27:18]
Jim Daly
God is at work, and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope. Visit truthrising.com today. That's truthrising.com.