Podcast Summary:

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Episode: How to Break Bad Habits and Cultivate a Healthy Marriage (Part 1 of 2)
Date: January 14, 2026
Host: Jim Daly, with John Fuller
Guest: Dr. Randy Schrader (Author, Marriage & Family Therapist)

Main Theme

This episode explores how couples can break negative patterns and intentionally cultivate healthy, lasting marriages grounded in forgiveness, transparency, and practical biblical habits. Dr. Randy Schrader, drawing from decades as a therapist and his book Simple Habits for Marital Happiness, shares concrete tools for dealing with conflict, rebuilding trust, and strengthening emotional intimacy.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Importance of Listening, Honesty, and Laughter in Marriage

• The episode opens with playful “do’s and don’ts,” highlighting the importance of listening, honesty, and shared laughter in marriage and not expecting your spouse to change (00:36–01:16).
• Quote: “Don’t fight when you’re hungry. Don’t fight when you’re tired. And do buy each other chocolate.” (00:46–00:55)

Recognizing Differences in Perception

• Jim Daly shares a personal story illustrating how spouses can have vastly different views of their marriage:
  • "I think it's like a nine. And [my wife] goes, yeah, I think it's more like a three." (01:16–02:12)
  • Insight: Sometimes partners aren’t on the same page; regular, honest check-ins can reveal and bridge gaps.

Introduction of Dr. Randy Schrader

• Dr. Schrader and his 50-year marriage bring seasoned, practical advice. His book is framed as a core resource for skills and tools to build strong relationships (02:24–03:01).

Forgiveness — The “Glue” of Marriage

• Forgiveness is described as essential, both spiritually and relationally, referencing Jesus as the ultimate example.

  • "Forgiveness is the glue...the Bible has 125 references to the importance of forgiveness for interpersonal relationships. Without forgiveness, it's almost impossible to have lifelong happiness in a marriage." — Dr. Schrader (03:40–04:24)

• True forgiveness is more than words; it's a process, a gift, and a promise not to revisit past hurts.

  • "We promise not to bring it up to our spouse again...we may remember, but we don’t weaponize it." (04:50–06:09)

Analogies: Divots and Dirty Dishes

• Golf Divots: Unaddressed hurts in marriage are like unrepaired golf divots—the landscape (marriage) becomes barren without proper healing (06:09–07:00).
• Dirty Dishes: Harboring unforgiveness is eating off progressively filthier plates, leading to relational “food poisoning.”
  • Powerful story: Couples in trouble who learned true forgiveness and apology processes improved their self-assessment of marriage (07:36–09:45).

The Marriage Mirror

• Dr. Schrader encourages self-reflection: “What would you like or dislike about being married to yourself?” Spouses should routinely assess their own contribution to hurts, even unintentional ones (10:28–11:43).
• Quote: “It's good to look in the marriage mirror to see how we may have hurt our spouse's feelings.” (10:28)

The Process of Healing Deep Hurts

• Dr. Schrader describes a forgiveness ritual involving prayer and mental exercises, such as visualizing oneself and one’s spouse at the foot of the cross, to foster humility and empathy, especially in the face of serious betrayal (unfaithfulness) (12:18–14:50).

Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal

• Trust after infidelity can be restored over time with intentional actions and phrases—expressing daily commitment and faithfulness, transparency about schedules, and other trust-building behaviors (15:32–16:52).
• “Secrets hurt relationships...no financial secrets, no technology secrets.” (21:53–22:58)

Why Forgiveness Is Hard (Even for Christians)

• Forgiveness is tough because it requires vulnerability and humility. Dr. Schrader cautions against minimizing language (“That’s okay, no problem”) and advises using the phrase “I forgive you” for true healing (17:53–18:22).

The Apple Pie Analogy

• A healthy marriage is like baking an apple pie: both spouses must contribute healthy “ingredients.” If one brings in unhealthy traits (e.g., control, addiction), it taints the whole “pie” (18:32–19:30).
• Encouragement to ask your spouse: “How can I give to you in this coming week?” (19:30–20:38)

On Secrets and Transparency

• Emotional hiding (especially among men) is discussed, referencing Adam and Eve’s response in the Genesis account; secrecy erodes trust (20:38–23:01).
• John Fuller’s confession: “I had some secrets, I had some technology, and it is so wonderful to not have those secrets anymore…when we expose secrets to the light, we rob them of their power.” (23:01–23:39)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On forgiveness:
  “The greatest gift a husband and wife can give to each other is forgiveness. And it's a promise not to bring up the forgiven wrong once it has been forgiven.” — Dr. Schrader (04:50–06:09)
• On honesty in self-assessment:
  “What would you like about being married to yourself? And...what would you dislike about being married to yourself?” — Dr. Schrader (11:19)
• Forgiveness process in betrayal:
  “With God's help, I'm working at forgiving my spouse for that particular deep hurt.” — Dr. Schrader (06:09)
• On trust rebuilding after infidelity:
  “I am committed to you today and I will be faithful to you today.” — Dr. Schrader, as a sample daily affirmation (15:53–16:52)
• On transparency:
  “If any activity needs to be secret, it's not a healthy endeavor, especially financial secrets.” — Dr. Schrader (21:53)
• On exposing secrets:
  “When we expose secrets to the light, we rob them of their power.” — John Fuller, paraphrasing Dr. Archibald Hart (23:26)

Important Timestamps

• 01:16 — Jim’s story on marriage perception gap
• 03:40–04:24 — Forgiveness as marriage “glue”
• 06:09–07:00 — Divots (unrepaired hurts) analogy
• 07:36–09:45 — Dirty dishes (unforgiveness) and real-life therapy impact
• 10:28–11:43 — The “marriage mirror” self-evaluation
• 12:18–14:50 — Forgiveness rituals, Jesus exercise, and real-life example
• 15:32–16:52 — Rebuilding trust after infidelity
• 17:53–18:22 — Why forgiveness is hard for Christians
• 18:32–19:30 — Apple pie (healthy ingredients in marriage)
• 21:53–22:58 — Secrets, transparency, technology/finances
• 23:26–23:39 — John’s story about transparency and the freedom of living without secrets

Tone & Style

Genuine, compassionate, candid, and laced with humor—hosts and guest share personal stories and create a conversational, encouraging atmosphere. Dr. Schrader’s advice is biblically anchored but distinctly practical and accessible.

Looking Ahead

Part 2 will cover Dr. Schrader’s framework of “CPR” in marriage: Civil, Polite, and Respectful—ways to revive relational health even in difficult seasons (24:35–24:55).

Summary Takeaway:
Marriages thrive on intentional habits—especially forgiveness, self-reflection, openness, and generosity. By inviting Christ’s model of grace and using down-to-earth tools, couples can overcome bad habits, build trust, and enjoy richer relationships.

For further resources, including Dr. Schrader’s book and free marriage assessments, see Focus on the Family’s website (mentioned throughout the episode).