← Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
How to Break Bad Habits and Cultivate a Healthy Marriage (Part 2 of 2)
00:27:24
Loading summary
Transcript75 lines
- [00:00]
Focus on the Family Announcer
Chatgpt and AI can offer you ideas and attempt to give you answers, but it can't listen with compassion, pray with you, or guide you with wisdom shaped by faith. When life feels overwhelming, real human connection matters. At Focus on the Family, we believe in the power of professional help and biblical wisdom. That's why we offer a free confidential consultation with a caring Christian counselor to walk with you through life's struggles. Whether you're navigating challenges in marriage, parenting anxiety, grief or something else, our counselors are here to help. If you're hurting, don't wait. Hope is real and healing begins with a conversation. Request your free confidential consultation today. Call 1-800-A-FUSY. That's 1-800-232-6459 or visit focusonthefamily.com gethelp that's focusonthefamily.com GetHelp.
- [01:06]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Picture Jesus, crown of thorns on his head, dying for the sins of the world and that spouse's sins. And then picture their spouse standing right there across from them at the cross of Jesus. And the spouse says, I'm sorry I hurt you by being unfaithful or saying abc. And they always ask the humility part and the most important part in the forgiveness process is will, will you please forgive me?
- [01:33]
John Fuller
Dr. Randy Schroeder with a very powerful statement about the importance of forgiveness in marriage. He's back with us today on FOCUS on THE Family with Jim Daly. We're exploring how bad habits and good habits can have a profound impact on your relationship in marriage. Thanks for joining us today. I'm John Fuller.
- [01:52]
Jim Daly
You know, it's so important. Having a strong marriage should be a goal for every couple, certainly Christian couples. And I was really pleased with the discussion last time. It touched on so many fundamentally true things about who we are as human beings, what the Bible says about us, and then how to integrate that into a healthy marriage and work on that marriage so it can be a 10. And man, we're all for that here at FOCUS on THE Family. If you didn't listen to the episode last time, get the app for the smartphone. You'll have access to all the broadcasts that we do. And, man, you can go to the website, too, and get a download there for that episode. But we don't want you to not get the tools that you need to have the strongest marriage you could possibly have. And we're going to continue the discussion today and dig in with more practical advice on how to make your marriage what it needs to be.
- [02:45]
John Fuller
Dr. Randy Schrader has Compiled that advice into a really helpful book we mentioned last time. We come back to this time and time again. It's such strong material. It's called Simple Habits for Marital Practical Skills and Tools that Build a Strong and Satisfying Relationship. You can get your copy of the book and as Jim said, listen to that first part of the discussion. If you missed it by clicking the link in the show notes.
- [03:11]
Jim Daly
Randy, welcome back to Focus on the Family. Always good to have you.
- [03:14]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
I'm grateful for this second opportunity to strengthen marriages.
- [03:17]
Jim Daly
We left off last time talking about when a person has a heart attack, the first thing that the caregivers will do is CPR to try to revitalize that heart, get that heart pumping again so they can do the other life saving things they need to do. But job one is to make sure that heart is beating again. You kind of applied that. You did apply that to marriages as well. Using cpr. Describe the acronym for marriage and how it's used and then let's get into some questions about it.
- [03:48]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
That is especially important with in law relationships. I always suggest that there are kind of four types of relationships. Acquaintances, friends, good friends, close friends. And so a lot of times I'll have married couples say, you know, I'm not real fond of my mother or father in law and I'll say view them like an acquaintance. And as you just mentioned, cpr. What they would do is when they get together with their in laws, they would be civil, polite and respectful. And we can do that with strangers, you know, just acquaintances. And that has helped so many in law relationships that I've seen in my practice. To keep that thought in mind, just cpr, the relationships, you may not ever get to the point of good friends or close friends, but that will make the relationships healthy.
- [04:38]
Jim Daly
No, that's good. I was playing golf not long ago with a guy and he missed the green and he goes, that's a son in law shot. And I said, what's that? He goes, close, but not what I was hoping for. I better stop repeating that one. That's kind of what you're talking about, right?
- [04:53]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
- [04:55]
Jim Daly
Be more civil. Don't tell a joke on your son in law. I was surprised by your assessment that interruptions may be the number one predictor. Oh my goodness. This is my weakest link. I read this this morning when I sit in the chair, read the prep, look at the book, have my coffee. Jean comes down, she wakes up, she sits next to me. We try to do a little devotional time. After I'm done Reading the prep and all that. And I read this to her and she just smiled. Cause I do that. I finish sentences for her. And I said, you know, I feel like it shows you that I'm engaged. And she goes, no, it's rude, but no, it's me being engaged. Just like, I don't know, whoever burps after a meal, it's gross to us in America, but in Germany, it's a compliment. But speak to the person. And I think it's because I'm just thinking with her. And if she's a little slow to the trigger. Let me fill that in for you. I love you because I'm such a great guy. No, I wasn't going to say that. So help us, those of us that are verbal, to slow down. Let your spouse finish their thought. And that actually shows respect.
- [06:04]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
And this is another excellent question about interruptions. And it's interesting. And my book is grounded in research and biblical principles. Now, I did not include all the research studies in my book. I didn't want it to be a great big, thick book. But they did a research study on premarital couples, and they discussed a differing opinion, you know, kind of a disagreement. And then they coded their communication for, I think it was an hour and 15 minutes. And then they came back five years later to find which of those couples were unhappy, which were separated, which were even divorced, you know, before five years. And what they discovered as the common denominator were interruptions. Because when we interrupt, we need to turn up the volume to get our point across. And so in answer to your question, and we all can do that. I can do that. You guys are great communicators. And so it's easy to interrupt and want to get our point out there. And we just need to pause, Pause, pause. For 25 years, I was a professor of pastoral counseling at Concordia Theological Seminary, and I always suggested to pastors, when your parishioner is talking, wait 10 seconds before you respond.
- [07:21]
Jim Daly
Wow, that's a long time.
- [07:23]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Long time. Just because maybe your parishioner wants to continue on and they're just thinking. And so that pause, pause, pause is there, but it also helps the three of us and your listeners learn to avoid interruptions. Because interruptions, again, are that big predictor that can create unhappiness. And it kind of says, we're not listening.
- [07:45]
Jim Daly
Well, well, I want to punch the point here. You said it's the number one predictor. I would have thought doing what we do every day here at Focus on the family, it'd be lack of emotional or physical intimacy, finances, etc. But these researchers said, no, it's interruptions.
- [08:01]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Wow. This was just this research study. Wow. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- [08:06]
Jim Daly
That really put my problem at the top of the list. And I really don't like that. Let me say it that way.
- [08:12]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
We all can struggle with that, Jim, especially again, you're a good communicator. And yeah, it can be a struggle, but.
- [08:18]
Jim Daly
Okay, Jean, I will work on this. Honestly, I'll work on this. 10 seconds, right?
- [08:24]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Right.
- [08:24]
Jim Daly
Give her 10 seconds in between her thoughts. Make sure she's completed that thought.
- [08:28]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Exactly.
- [08:30]
Jim Daly
I'll have her grade me on this over the next until you come back.
- [08:34]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Five years? How about five years?
- [08:35]
Jim Daly
Jim, listen, I like your advice too, about being solution focused in marriage. I think that's helpful. I tend to be driven by goal orientation, so solutions are really important to me. What does a solution focused approach look like in a marriage relationship?
- [08:53]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
I think it's absolutely essential. Another great question that couples, well, what do they say in the business world? Don't bring me a problem unless you have a solution. And so we just need to take that over to the marriage world where if Jenny has a hurt with me or a disappointment, which she does, she needs to give me a chance to fix it and she can put out there a solution. And so I talk about the speak the truth in love formula in my book, in Ephesians 4, God tells all of us, speak the truth and the two words in love. So, you know, a spouse would say, when I heard you say this, I felt hurt or disappointed because give the reasons. And then the final point is the will you please solution. Will you please say it this way or will you please do this? So, yeah, we need to be solution focused.
- [09:53]
Jim Daly
Randy, let me ask you this question. And I think men struggle with this more than women. And when you say it that way, it's like going to a counselor. You go to a marriage counselor and the person is saying accurately, you know, when you have conflict, Jim, I'll just use myself address Gene by saying exactly what you just said. It sounds brilliant, it sounds wonderful, but it's not what I'm thinking in the moment. And how do we train ourselves to be able to slow down enough emotionally because your gears start spinning, your defense mechanisms go up. All those things that occur in a marital discussion and you don't remember to say, here's what I heard. Here's what it sounded like to me. This is how you hurt me. How do we get there? Counseling thousands of couples. You must See a formula in there that works. Do people have to rehearse that? How do you capture that thing you don't want to say? Like Paul writes about the things I don't want to do. I do, and the things I shouldn't do. You know, so the. The whole thing there. How do you train yourself to do this brilliant breathing exercise emotionally?
- [11:09]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Yeah. Jim, I always say we can't read minds, but you read my mind, because we do need to rehearse. And I'll just say when I use that with my lovely wife Jenny, I'll just turn the sound off in the car and I'll practice it in the car. Jenny, when I saw you forget to do this, I felt disappointed because we need to remember. Will you please write it down? Or something like that? But I do exactly what you just suggested, Jim. I just rehearse it away from her, out loud, out loud, not thinking in my mind, so that I say it very lovingly to her.
- [11:46]
Jim Daly
Yeah. You know, you speak also in the book about timeouts now, parenting timeouts. We really moved to that, you know, instead of, you know, the spankings. At some point, you know, I remember spanking Trent for hitting Troy. And Trent is so smart. I don't know how old he was. Six, seven, I don't know. But he was mistreating Troy, and I gave him a swat for it, and he's like, dad, why do you hit me? Because I'm hitting Troy. Right? That's pretty smart.
- [12:14]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Oh, yeah, Good question.
- [12:16]
Jim Daly
And that's Trent.
- [12:17]
John Fuller
And that moved you along to timeouts?
- [12:18]
Jim Daly
It moved me more to timeouts. And I was big on, you know, taking away a toy that he really liked or putting him in a timeout. That was pretty effective as well. I think super nanny talked about that as well. But you apply timeouts in marriage. Describe how that can work in a healthy way.
- [12:35]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Timeouts are critical for a marriage, so they don't have harsh endings. In fact, another research study, I've done tons of research reading, said that harsh endings are the number one predictor for divorce. And so we don't want to have harsh endings to differing opinions. We want to have, like you mentioned earlier, Jim, solutions. We want to find solutions. And so when a couple is discussing a differing opinion, if something is said or it's a facial expression or something is done, the spouse who felt that hurt would use one of two words. You know, that's a pinch. Or the other word is that's, you know, the ouch. That hurt. And so if that is said, a couple of times, pinch or ouch. Well, the spouse who said pinch or ouch, if it happened again where the one spouse was disrespectful and tone of voice or words or facial expression, they would literally use the athletic timeout and just take a break. And then when they're apart, I always suggest to couples that they try to write down again in one sentence, one sentence, what the differing opinion is, then talk about areas of agreement. What do we agree on as a possible solution? And then pray about it, and then maybe offer other solutions that have not come up. But the timeout could be 30 minutes. It could be an hour. It could be we'll wait till the next day and talk about this again.
- [14:03]
Jim Daly
But I like that formula of writing it down. And what's a different way we can approach this? Or solutions to the problem. That's good. That's really good. Hey, I love this one, too. You warn husbands and wives not to be a schnauzer. I think I'm connected with word association. That works for my brain. So how do we avoid. Well, a, what is a schnauzer? And B, how do we avoid it?
- [14:26]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
A schnauzer is kind of putting their nose in the other partner's business a lot and being critical and complaining.
- [14:34]
Jim Daly
Now, there's got to be. Just describe that, because I think in marriage, I mean, that's also described as intimacy. So how do you know where that line is, where, you know, you're kind of putting your nose into my business in an area that really should be off limits to you? That kind of sounds funny because we're one flesh.
- [14:51]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Yeah. Yeah. Well, going back to yesterday, a great question again, when we talked about forgiveness, too many couples view hurts as either minor infractions or major felonies, which means that it's necessary to talk about all hurts. And so what I talk about in simple habits for marital happiness are scratches, cuts, and lacerations. If we scratch ourselves working around the house, we don't do anything to fix it. We know it's going to leave a faint scab and it'll heal up on its own. No big deal. We just let it go. If we cut ourselves, we'll put an ointment and band aid on it. If we get a laceration much deeper, then we may have to go get a stitch or two. And so I always suggest. So couples or spouses are not schnauzers, you know, always complaining. I ask them to recognize that scratches occur and let those go. Now, we all have our own dictionaries. What's A scratch to a husband may be a cut to a wife, let's say. Okay. Or in different marriages. And so I suggest to couples that they evaluate their concerns that they don't. They check objectively, how often AM I the four Cs, correcting, criticizing, complaining, or condemning my spouse? And I often, if there is a schnauzer in a marriage relationship, I'll say, I would like for both of you to go three days and not do any of the four Cs. No corrections, no complaints, no criticism, no condemnation. And let's see what that does for your marriage. Now, there could be some cuts and lacerations happen in those three days, but they let it go, you know, but it hopefully helps them understand the importance. We've got to learn that if something is annoying Ginny, she may not bring it up to my attention or my wife Jenny, and vice versa.
- [16:52]
John Fuller
Yeah. And, Dr. Schrader, as we look at common flashpoints for marriages here at Focus, we get a lot of phone calls from couples struggling with finances. It's not coming in. They're not managing it. Well, you've got some pretty simple approaches to kind of reducing the stress in marriage when it comes to finances.
- [17:11]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Yes. Yes, there are a number of them. And certainly a beginning point. I think it's really beneficial for couples to have a joint checking account. So there's not his money, her money, and then our money, kind of three accounts. Because when it works like that, sometimes it feels like a business partnership rather than, as God says, the two shall be one. A1 flesh union. Plus, it overcomes what we talked about the other day. No secrets. You know, to have that joint checking account prevents secrets because they both know the income and the outgo.
- [17:49]
Jim Daly
Yeah, but if I want to buy that special gift and not let her know about it. No, I'm teasing. I think that's great advice. You also Talk about Take 3. A method to help limit couples from impulse spending.
- [18:01]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Yeah, impulse spending.
- [18:03]
Jim Daly
Describe that. So everybody knows what you're talking about.
- [18:06]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
There is compulsive buying disorder, compulsive spending disorder, whatever you want to call it.
- [18:11]
Jim Daly
And it's real.
- [18:11]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Oh, it's real. It's an addiction where a spouse says, I have to spend money today in order to feel good about myself.
- [18:18]
Jim Daly
I think couples that don't experience that are kind of aghast, that that's how someone could operate. But, you know, again, this is just out of control buying habits. Right? Yeah.
- [18:28]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
It's an addiction. It's an addiction. I saw a couple that the husband owned a business made $300,000 a year and they were in debt.
- [18:37]
Jim Daly
Yeah.
- [18:38]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
He couldn't keep up with their spending. That happens on that flip side, too, where the husband can be a compulsive spending randy.
- [18:43]
Jim Daly
And you're a counselor and you get this, but describe for us those underlying things. These are symptoms of other things. Typically addictions of all sorts. It could be pornography. It could be impulsive buying. It could be lying. But these are the outcomes of something going on deeper in that person's soul. Really connect those dots for us a little bit.
- [19:07]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Well, it is a personal issue. We talked about the vinegar in the apple pie.
- [19:15]
Jim Daly
Doesn't work well.
- [19:16]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Yeah. And I kind of boil it down to two words. Have to. If a spouse says, I have to drink today to feel better, I have to gamble on that sports game to make myself feel good and then develop a gambling addiction. I have to spend money and go out shopping. And so have to's are addictions that can create problems. And so going back to that take three, I think, especially with major purchases, or it could be with minor purchases of a spouse has a spending addiction. They need to take three days or three weeks or three months before buying something. And so it kind of slows them down. So every day they're not spending money is there.
- [20:03]
Jim Daly
Again, I'm just thinking to myself, I tend to buy the big ticket items. Usually in our house, I'm talking about washing machines. Jean will say, yeah, the washer's going out. And she does do this as well. But we'll tend to do research or something like that. But when I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. And I don't think it's impulse spending. I think it's just efficiency. Right. I mean, but, you know, and I'm not going out and buying a car without her knowing about it. But kind of describe that. You get enough information, you go, sure, sure.
- [20:33]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
And I also say, when it comes to take three, if a couple's having issues with spending, maybe they involve three friends or three family members to kind of say, you know, what are some good pros and cons with? Let's say you mentioned a car, a big ticket item, you know, and somebody's an expert in cars. You know, what do you think about me getting this car? And now those three family members or friends are not involved in the discussion process, but they kind of say, hey, these are my thoughts. These are the pros and cons. I see. And then the couple takes that information, and then they talk together. Is this Purchase within the budget. Is it a want? Is it a need? And is this beneficial for our marriage?
- [21:22]
Jim Daly
You also believe there are some simple habits that will bond couples together in powerful ways. For example, sharing laughter together. I like this. Humor does a lot to cover up pain in marriage. I think most of your funny comedians come from places of pain. Actually, it's really interesting to look at comedians backgrounds because there are often hardship and things in there, but healthy kind of humor and just taking life with a little bit of, let me say, sugar, not salt, and understanding hard things happen and where we can laugh. Let's laugh together.
- [21:57]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
Yeah. Yeah. Laughter removes the stress in life. And you too, Jim and John have a terrific sense of humor. John, you and I were visiting before the broadcast that your mom had a good sense of humor and was teasing you today as you talk to her on the phone. Yeah.
- [22:16]
Jim Daly
How does that make you feel, John?
- [22:17]
John Fuller
It really is pretty fun to see.
- [22:19]
Jim Daly
That's good.
- [22:21]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
That's probably where you got your sense of humor is from your mom. But, yeah, humor is absolutely essential. And what. Laughter is good medicine.
- [22:30]
Jim Daly
Yeah. Hey, Randy, let's close with this. You believe a strong and healthy marriage is built on shared faith, where couples read their Bible, pray together. I think that's critical. We're seeing that in the marriage data that we're doing. You want to have the most rewarding marriage, Go to church together, read the word together, pray together regularly. It doesn't have to be every day, but several times a week. And I'll tell you, Gene and I have been really good at that since being in Covid and coming out of COVID We've kept that practice and it really develops intimacy. And I think the lowest divorce rates among all people, all marriages, are people that practice those three things. Going to church, praying together, and reading the word together.
- [23:15]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
So true. And yeah, those research studies have proven those facts. And one of the things I think we need to keep in mind, and maybe your listeners are saying, I don't know how to pray. You know, how do I pray with my spouse? I never saw my mom and dad pray together. My mom and dad didn't teach me how to pray. Or we had just wrote prayers that we did. And so what I suggest to all couples is that there's three parts to prayer. You know, dear God, our Father in heaven, heavenly Father. And the second part is, you know, expressing gratefulness to God for certain blessings or petitions, whatever. And then the third part, of course, is in Jesus name, Jesus is our mediator, takes all of our prayers to our Heavenly Father. And so what I do in counseling, I'll have couples hold hands and I ask them to limit to one sentence so it doesn't become a competition. It's easier to do. Yeah. One spouse may be good at praying and could go on for, you know, paragraphs and the other spouse is intimidated. So I'll have them hold hands and I'll have the husband go first and I'll just have him say dear God, dear God, bless our marriage in Jesus name, amen. And he says that. And other than I'll have say the wife say dear God, bless us with good health in Jesus name, amen. And then I ask him at home to do that every day. And they alternate but I stress you only get to say one sentence. So again, it's not intimidating. It is unbelievable how that has developed. Now I say other times during the day, if one of you or both of you want to pray and pray in paragraphs, that's fine, okay. But for somebody who's never observed prayer in the home, you know, they were raised by parents that never prayed and now all of a sudden they're supposed to learn how to pray. It is a big stress relief and it strengthens their oneness in Christ. And so that one, that three part prayer, one sentence makes a huge difference in a marriage relationship based on the facts you just shared while ago, Jim.
- [25:28]
Jim Daly
Yeah, very good, Randy. And this has been great. Kind of like rocket fuel. This isn't just cheap premium gas. You've provided the rocket fuel we need to have happy and holy marriages. And I'm so grateful for your insights and this is the resource that you need folks. It is so practical and so straightforward. Really process minded. Randy, I know that's how you think. I mean the title of the book couldn't be be more clear. Simple Habits for Marital Happiness. Who doesn't want that? We'll send you a copy. When you make a pledge of any amount to the ministry, partner with us today to help strengthen more marriages and even rescue couples who are on the brink of divorce.
- [26:09]
John Fuller
Yeah, and Jim, I was looking at a comment that we had from one of our Hope Restored couples. They attended the marriage intensive and this is a several day process for couples who are facing serious problems. And one couple said, we walked through the doors of the retreat center broken and disconnected and the Lord met us there. Thanks be to God for his sweet presence and the Holy Spirit's powerful work. We're leaving here encouraged and hopeful.
- [26:38]
Jim Daly
Well, isn't it amazing what God will do when we turn our hearts over to him. It's that simple. And we want to make it that easy. We have many more testimonies just like that, miracle stories from couples who have participated in Hope Restored. And that's what your monthly support of Focus on the Family provides, hope for those hurting couples and practical resources like our online marriage assessment and our counseling team and more, more, more. So a monthly pledge really helps the ministry. Do more ministry or a one time gift. Anything and everything helps.
- [27:16]
John Fuller
Donate today as you can. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word Family 800-232-6459 or donate and get Randy's book and learn more about the resources that we've mentioned, including Hope Restored. And the links are in the show notes.
- [27:32]
Jim Daly
Randy Again, thank you so much for being with us.
- [27:35]
Dr. Randy Schroeder
To God be the glory. Thanks for having me.
- [27:38]
John Fuller
Coming up tomorrow, we'll hear how a growing wave of faith in Christ is having a tremendous impact on today's culture.
- [27:45]
Guest Speaker (Faith Testimony)
You have to, to be honest, coming to faith, absolutely an intellectual component that is often very important for people. But there's also a spiritual component where you have to let your guard down and you have to open yourself up to the possibility that God may be the thing you were looking for all along. And when that happens, when the head and the heart meet, that can be just the most extraordinary thing.
- [28:06]
John Fuller
Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.
- [28:25]
Erin Smalley
Sprinkle some love into your marriage this month with the Loving well podcast from Focus on the Family. I'm Erin Smalley and I host the podcast with my husband, Dr. Greg Smalley, and our good friend John Fuller. We chat about how to put Christ at the center of your relationship, deepen your love, and have a marriage that truly thrives. Listen today at focusonthefamily.com lovingwell or wherever you get your podcasts.