Making Parenting Fun (Part 2 of 2) - Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Summary

Summary of "Making Parenting Fun (Part 2 of 2)"

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly presents a compelling and insightful discussion on effective parenting strategies led by Pastor Doug Fields. Building upon the foundational concept of encouraging words introduced in Part 1, this episode delves deeper into essential elements that foster healthy, happy, and spiritually grounded children. The conversation is structured into several key sections, each addressing critical aspects of parenting from a Christian perspective.

1. Genuine Affection: The Foundation of Emotional Health

Pastor Doug Fields emphasizes the paramount importance of genuine affection in a child's life. He introduces the concept of "skin hunger," a term used by social scientists to describe the innate need for physical touch and affection from birth. According to Fields:

Doug Fields (00:32): "From the moment we're born, social scientists tell us that we have something called skin hunger, meaning we need touch. We need affection."

Fields highlights a common disparity between mothers and fathers in expressing affection, noting that children instinctively seek their mothers for emotional support:

Doug Fields (01:01): "Kids know that moms are more affectionate. That's why never in the recorded history of humanity has a child been heard in the front yard, run into the house and yelled, dad."

He warns that a lack of affection can lead to emotional difficulties, such as boys being unable to express their emotions and girls potentially seeking validation through inappropriate means. Fields advises parents, especially fathers, to actively seek ways to show affection:

Doug Fields (02:15): "Even when they don't hug back, you be the parent. You pour it on. When you sit next to them, throw your leg over them. When you're watching TV, put your arm around them."

2. Serious Fun: Alleviating Modern-Day Stress

Addressing the high levels of stress experienced by today's children, Fields argues for the necessity of "serious fun" in parenting. He attributes children's stress to a faster-paced culture and parental pressures to perform:

Doug Fields (04:30): "Today's generation of kids are totally stressed out... because we live in a faster culture... their parents are driven, especially in this area."

Fields posits that incorporating fun and laughter into family life not only alleviates anxiety but also fosters a more relaxed and trusting parent-child relationship:

Doug Fields (06:45): "When they experience a degree of fun and laughter, what it does is it releases their anxieties, it diminishes their fears, and it lessens their hostility and their anger."

He challenges the misconception within some Christian circles that seriousness equates to spiritual maturity, advocating instead for a balance that includes humor and joy:

Doug Fields (09:20): "The more serious you are is the more boring you are... the opposite of funny is unfunny."

3. Delicate Discipline: Balancing Love and Guidance

Fields introduces the concept of "delicate discipline," distinguishing it from punitive measures. He references biblical scriptures to underscore that true discipline is an act of love and guidance, not punishment born of anger:

Doug Fields (11:50): "Biblical discipline is guidance with love, not punishment in anger."

He cautions against disciplining solely for compliance, which often involves yelling and shaming, leading to long-term emotional harm:

Doug Fields (16:00): "If you're parenting in order to make yourself look good friends, that is so damaging to your child."

Instead, Fields advocates for "discipline by choice," where consequences are fair, clearly communicated, and connected to the child's actions, thereby fostering responsibility and self-esteem:

Doug Fields (19:30): "Discipline by choice... it's a fair consequence that's clearly communicated ahead of time that is connected to the offense."

4. Building Responsibility Through Consequences

Further expanding on discipline, Fields illustrates the importance of allowing children to experience natural consequences as a means of developing responsibility. He advises parents to remain calm and composed, avoiding immediate punitive actions:

Doug Fields (21:10): "You got to figure out, what does it look like for you to put yourself in a timeout to cool down before you provide discipline."

Fields shares a personal anecdote about his father's approach to discipline, emphasizing the value of delayed consequences in teaching responsibility:

Doug Fields (22:10): "When I would return three days later with a large pillow, things just went better."

5. The Parent's Relationship with Jesus: The Core of Effective Parenting

A central theme of the discussion is the necessity for parents to cultivate a strong personal relationship with Jesus. Fields asserts that this relationship equips parents with the love, wisdom, and patience required to effectively nurture their children:

Doug Fields (25:00): "Maybe the most loving thing you can do for your kid is to get your relationship right with Jesus."

He explains that aligning one's life with Christ's teachings provides a stable and peaceful home environment, which is essential for children facing external pressures:

Doug Fields (26:20): "If a kid knows that soon he's going to go to his home and that home is a peace-filled home, he can better temper the pressures and the temptation that he or she is going through throughout the day."

6. Importance of Community and Other Relationships

Fields underscores the role of a supportive community in a child's upbringing. He points out that healthy children benefit from positive influences beyond the immediate family, such as teachers, coaches, and mentors:

Doug Fields (27:00): "Healthy kids... have other people involved in their lives who were significant."

He advocates for involvement in faith communities, which provide additional layers of support and guidance, contributing to a well-rounded and resilient upbringing.

7. Conclusion: Embracing Imperfection and Committing to Presence

Closing the discussion, Fields reminds parents that striving for perfection can lead to intimidation and insecurity in children. Instead, he encourages parents to focus on being present and actively engaged:

Doug Fields (26:45): "Your kids don't need a perfect parent. There's no such thing as a perfect parent."

He reiterates his initial message, emphasizing that children value their parents' love, presence, and genuine desire to spend time with them over any semblance of perfection.

Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Jim Daly and John Fuller conclude the episode by reflecting on Doug Fields's valuable insights, expressing appreciation for his practical and spiritually grounded approach to parenting. They encourage listeners to engage with additional resources, such as Doug’s book Intentional Parenting and the Focus on the Family website, to further enhance their parenting journey.

Jim Daly (22:18): "It's never too late to have a positive influence on our kids."

John Fuller (24:00): "It's so important to build those great memories with your children. These are precious and few days."

They also share testimonials from listeners who have found solace and guidance through Focus on the Family's resources, highlighting the program's impact on real families seeking support and wisdom in their parenting roles.

This episode serves as a comprehensive guide for parents striving to nurture their children with love, affection, fun, and disciplined guidance, all anchored in a strong spiritual foundation. Pastor Doug Fields's message is a heartfelt reminder that intentional and compassionate parenting can profoundly influence a child's emotional and spiritual well-being.

Transcript

Doug Fields (0:02)

My children don't need me to be the perfect dad. Here's what they need. They need me to follow Jesus. They need me to love their mom deeply, and they need me to be crazy about them and want to spend time with them.

Jim Daly (0:18)

Well, that is quite a recipe for a healthy family, don't you think? And we're going to hear more today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller. We're.

John Fuller (0:28)

Well, today we're continuing a message from Pastor Doug Fields, and he is giving us great parenting advice based on his experience as a father of three and also as a youth pastor, working with teens and tweens for over 30 years. And if you missed part one, please get in touch with us. We can send you the entire message on cd. And also you can download the app for your smartphone, the Focus on the Family broadcast app, another great way to listen. You can get Doug's book, Intentional Parenting, co authored with his wife, Kathy, and will include all of the free audio content of the entire presentation.

Jim Daly (1:04)

And we have additional resources for you. Just stop by the website. The links are in the show notes.

John Fuller (1:09)

And Doug is working through a list of six things all children need. Last time, we heard the first one encouraging words.

Jim Daly (1:16)

We all need encouragement on a regular basis. And here now with the rest of that list is Pastor Doug Fields speaking at Mariners Church in Irvine, California, where he's on the teaching team on today's episode of Focus on the Family.

Doug Fields (1:32)

They also need what I call genuine affection. Genuine affection. From the moment we're born, social scientists tell us that we have something called skin hunger, meaning we need touch. We need affection. And that affection must be fed in appropriate ways or else we're going to seek it out in inappropriate ways. Ladies, you're much better at this with children than men are, especially when it comes to affection. Kids know that moms are more affectionate. That's why never in the recorded history of humanity has a child been heard in the front yard, run into the house and yelled, dad. Okay, why don't kids yell for dad when they need affection? Because dads don't care. Right? Okay. I mean, my dad, I'd be running in crying. He'd be like, shake it off. Like, dad, the bone is sticking out of my skin. I can't rub some dirt on it. You'll be fine. Fine. You're blocking the tv. Go get me some ice cream. You know, dads, we gotta. We gotta figure this one out. Because if you're not affectionate to your child, what Unaffectionate fathers can produce is boys who don't know how to express themselves emotionally and girls who may express themselves sexually. You look at promiscuous teens. Oftentimes promiscuous teens points back to an unaffectionate father or a father who's there, but just the affection lights or rni. Affection is one of the things that emotionally healthy kids have in common. They've been given proper affection and they've been given a lot of it. And I know some of you are going like, well, you don't know my. You know, my kid is in that junior high stage where they don't even want to be around. That's when you pour it on, okay? Even when they don't hug back, you be the parent. You pour it on. When you sit next to them, throw your leg over them. When you're watching tv, put your arm around them. If you can't do that, trip and fall on them just so they get some affection. And here's the deal. Hey, start somewhere. Don't feel guilty about what you're not doing. Start somewhere. Regardless of the age of your children, an intentional parent is also someone who figures out how to provide serious fun. And some of you don't like this, because how does this make your top 10 list? Really? That of all the things that parents need to have kids experience, serious fun makes the top 10 list? Yes. And here's why. Because today's generation of kids are totally stressed out. They're totally, totally stressed out. Why? Well, one, because we live in a faster culture. And two is because for many of them, their parents are driven, especially in this area. Their parents are driven, and parents put a lot of pressure on them to perform and succeed and be quote, unquote, successful kids. Because successful kids makes insecure parents feel better about themselves. And by the way, shooting straight to some of you that are doing this, maybe you don't even know you're doing it. You need to get counseling before your kids have to get counseling that you should have got, okay? That if you are parenting in order to make yourself look good friends, that is so damaging to your child. They can't live up to those expectations when it's all about you. So deal with those issues. So why does serious fun make this list? Because kids are stressed out. And when they experience a degree of fun and laughter, what it does is it releases their anxieties, it diminishes their fears, and it lessens their hostility and their anger. They have to have some fun release in their life. The Scriptures say it like this in Proverbs 17, a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength. I happen to believe that those of us who are followers of Jesus, I think we're the ones who need to be leading the way and leaking fun because we've been given life. We've been given eternal life. We've been given the presence and the power of Jesus Christ. We ought to be the ones leaking fun. But somewhere in this Christian bubble, we've come to believe that as Christians, the more serious you are, the more spiritually mature you are. That's not true. The more serious you are is the more boring you are. All right, how many of you know some boring Christians? Yeah, Absolutely. All right. See, the opposite of funny, not serious. The opposite of funny is unfunny. And I, you know, I prove that a lot because I use humor when I teach. And let me tell you why I've never told you this before, but here's why I use humor when I teach, because it's effective. And while you're laughing, I'm jamming truth down your throat hard. And it doesn't feel. I just got told I was an idiot. This is great. You know, that's why I use it, because it's effective, not because I'm funny. All right? So when people say, oh, this one must be easy for you because you're funny, they would always say to my kids, is your dad funny at home? Like, then they're like, rolling their eyes, you know. No, actually, I'll tell you the truth. When people meet me, and some of you have done this in airports or wherever around the community, you're like, oh. I mean, first thing, people say, you're taller in person. Which I don't know what. For some reason, the stage doesn't communicate that I'm 68. And here's what they. Here's what they either say or I. Because they've said this to me, or they're thinking, or they've told other people, he's not really funny in person. And people have actually said, oh, I thought you'd be funnier. And I don't know. I mean, I just think it's my day off, okay? And depending on what mood I'm in, sometimes I say, well, funny, I've seen you in the audience and up close, I thought you'd be better looking. Don't say that. Think it. But I don't say anything. So here's what I'm saying. I'm just like, you I had to figure out, as a dad, how can I infuse fun into our family so that my kids would laugh and have fun and giggle and play and be adventurous? So the question is, what are you doing so that they can have some fun in their family? Grandparents, what do you do when they come to your house so there's some fun? And this might seem like a shallow idea, but I encourage you to give it some serious consideration because it can redirect the course of a child's life. An intentional parent also provides what we call delicate discipline. We live in a culture today where a lot of kids aren't experiencing discipline. And our feeling is that you can't really love your kids if they don't experience discipline. But the key word delicate. Here's how I would describe biblical discipline, okay? Biblical discipline is guidance with love, not punishment in anger. And if you want a text for that, read Hebrews chapter 12 on your own and you'll see that's what biblical discipline is. It's guidance with love, not punishment and anger. In Proverbs, chapter three, it says this for my children. Don't reject the Lord's discipline, and don't be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights. And if you were to study this text, you'd see that discipline is an act of love. So when I see kids that are out of control, lack of discipline, I don't think, what an awful kid. You know what I think? Probably the same as you. What? Where's the parent? And then when it comes to discipline, the word delicate, we put the word delicate in there because bodies are fragile, but spirits are even more fragile. To be delicate with this Again, in Ephesians 6, it says this, now word to you parents, don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves with suggestions and godly advice. What is loving discipline? Loving discipline is not discipline and anger. Let me say it again. Loving discipline is not discipline and anger. I live in the real world. I'm not saying you'll never get angry. That would be insane for me to say that. Yes, you will get angry, but there's a difference between being angry and discipline in anger. Okay? You don't have to discipline in anger. The type of discipline that I see isn't discipline as an act of love. It's discipline for the sake of compliance. Big difference. An act of love, the sake of compliance. Compliance is a quick fix. Compliance is a scream, a yell, a slap, a scare, a shame, something like that. Yelling is quick fix. And those of you who yell, you obviously can tell I'm an advocate for children. Those of you who are yelling, it doesn't work. It's quick fix parenting, but it's not good, long term, healthy. It doesn't work. You've got to figure out another way that doesn't shame and intimidate and threaten and wound your kids. Research reveals that yelling doesn't work. It just increases humiliation and violence and, and embarrassment. And it actually creates more angry kids because kids don't hear what you're yelling at them anyway. They hear your spirit. And when kids see you lose control, they actually lose respect. So please stop yelling. It's not working. Let me give you a little tip. You don't have to discipline right in that moment. You're not a cop, you're a parent. You don't have to give out a ticket immediately. I learned this lesson from my dad. So when I was growing up, my dad, when he would get mad at me, he would call me three things. Douglas Montgomery Fields yelling at them. And then he would say, go get me something to hit you with. Yeah. And so what I realized I wasn't a bright kid, but I figured this out. The longer I took, the easier it would go on me because I gave him time to cool off. And so when I would return three days later with a large pillow, you know, things just went better. So, parents, you got to figure out, what does it look like for you to put yourself in a timeout to cool down before you provide discipline. And I, Kathy and I, what we write about and we talk about is the discipline. We call discipline by choice. And here's the definition of discipline by choice. It's a fair consequence that's clearly communicated ahead of time that is connected to the offense. Now you have to figure out what this means. Age appropriate for you. But when you connect actions to consequences, what it does is it teaches children that they have a choice and actually they need to experience consequences in order to be healthy. Consequences. As odd as this sounds, it builds self esteem because it gives kids power that they realize that, oh, my actions actually have a consequence and I had the power of choice in that. So that when they get a little bit older and they can reason with that. That's why I said it needs to be age appropriate. When they can reason with it, they go, ultimately they chose their consequence. And what that does Is it keeps you from being a foolish parent. It keeps you from yelling and posturing and shaming and screaming when they walk in the door late. No, they chose the consequence. Now, as a parent, you have to enforce it, which is difficult to do. And when you enforce it, let me just tell you from my own experience of three kids, they won't thank you for it. My kids never said, oh, what a loving, wise dad you are. I accept the consequence because I knew it ahead of time. And ultimately my behavior chose this consequence. So it's really my fault. And thank you for having wisdom. And you should write a book someday called Intentional Parenting. They never said that, okay? They're still mad and angry and think you're foolish, but it saves you from screaming and shaming. They chose it. And by the way, responsibility is not genetic. It's not. You're not born with a sense of responsibility. You have to learn responsibility. So for those of you parents with little kids, they're never going to learn to be responsible if you never get to three. You know what I'm talking about, right? Those of you that play the counting game, don't let me get to three. One, two. Did you not hear me? Do not let me get. You almost let me get to three. And I'm going to do it again. Don't let. One, two, okay? Because here's what's going to happen. If I get to three, a cyclone of fury is going to come out and you are 1.1.11, you know? And you begin inventing fractions. Parents get to three, okay? Get to three. And let them experience a consequence, because that's how they become responsible. But in this area, we've got all these helicopter parents who are hovering around that don't want our kids to experience anything. When you're. When your school calls and says, betty forgot her lunch, okay, I picked on dads, Let me pick on moms. Because, moms, you're more likely to do this. Oh, she forgot. Okay. Okay, great, great. I'll run it right over to the school. Okay, I'll be there. I'll be there in a few minutes, okay? Because, moms and I know you're loving, you're caring, you're nurturing, but if she doesn't have her lunch, she will what? Starve? Right? She will starve to death. Death. I know she will. Right? And so you got to get there fast with that lunch. Now, let me just let you know I've done a lot of research on death by starvation, okay? And it takes 65 days to die from starvation. Now, if she skips her lunch, she might go a little hungry, but she'll come home and realize this was my responsibility, wasn't it? And you're helping shape her to be a responsible human. Does all this make sense? Are you dragging with me? Okay, good, because you're getting a little quiet on me. I'm feeling sad. But what I want to recognize based on. I didn't say this last night because when I was out there talking to people last night, this is what came up. Guilt. People are like, oh, I'm just not doing it. I mean, I just. You know, sweetheart, maybe if we, if we really loved our kids, we'd put them up for adoption, you know, you know, that type of thing. Hey, we all have regrets. Every parent has regret. There's no such thing as regret free parenting. But start now, start now with something. And here's what I want you to hear more than anything else. To be a caring adult in the life of a child, here's what you have to do. You've got to get the right relationships right. Okay? If you forget everything I've said, remember this. To get the right relationships right. See, maybe the most loving thing you can do for your kid is to get your relationship right with Jesus. That may be the most loving thing you can do as a parent, is to follow Jesus. Because for me, the closer I get to Jesus, the more I experience that love from him, the more I'm able to be loving to them. Because on my own, I don't have it on my own power, I don't have the depth or reservoir of wisdom, of grace, of forgiveness, of patience. But when you make Jesus the center of your life, here's what happens. When you follow Jesus, he promises his presence. And when you have his presence, he promises his power. And then he also makes another promise that you will become a person of peace. Kids today need to grow up in a peace filled home. And there can't be a peace filled home if there's not a peace filled parent. Because kids are in combat all day long. They're battling pressures, they're battling bullies, they're battling comparison, body image, all this stuff. But if a kid knows that soon he's going to go to his home and that home is a peace filled home, he can better temper the pressures and the temptation that he or she is going through throughout the day. Because pretty soon he, they're going to be home and home is safe and peaceful. Your kids, they don't need a perfect parent. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. Even the illusion that some of you are trying to create of being the perfect parent, it creates intimidation and insecurity in kids. My children don't need me to be the perfect dad. Here's what they need. They need me to follow Jesus. They need me to love their mom deeply and they need me to be crazy about them and want to spend time with them. Because in the child's life, time and presence is the equity in which they understand. They need that time and presence from adults. And those of you who are single parents, I know, I know you don't have the time. You're working. I've talked to a lot of single parents and as I said, you're my heroes. And I really believe in God's sovereignty and the way that I think God will reward you for your hard work as a single parent to keep your family alive. And there will be a time when your kids will call you blessed. But what kids don't appreciate is those of us who are not working just to survive. We're overworking to drive a nicer car, to live in a better house, and to stroke our own ego because what? And then we get mad at our kids because we can't show up at their stuff and we blame it on them. Well, if you weren't involved, I'd have to pay for this. Come on. What kids want is your presence. And all of this starts when I get my act together with Jesus. And then part of getting the right relationships right, there's another part of parenting, and it's this. It's getting other people around your kids in addition to yourself that is huge. That's why good coaches are so important. Teachers and mentors and youth workers and small group leaders. Because all studies reveal that healthy kids listen to this, regardless of where they come from. Cambodian refugee camps, housing projects in New York City, or upper middle class Orange County. All these kids, what they have in common, if they're healthy kids. In addition to parents, there were other people involved in their lives who were significant. That's why being a part of a faith community like this is so important. Why should you care about kids? Because Jesus said, whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me. Jesus, may we be different because we were here. I pray that you would relieve the guilt that we feel of the mistakes that we've made in parenting and replace it with the wisdom of how we can better love and direct our lives. To be encouraging, to give affection, to care deeply about the kids that You've entrusted to our lives, whether we're parents or grandparents, coaches, teachers, neighbors, friends, aunts, uncles, give us a vision of what it looks like to impact the next generation. We ask this in your holy name. Amen.