Moms and Anger: Understanding Your Triggers (Part 1 of 2)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Episode Title: Moms and Anger: Understanding Your Triggers
Release Date: January 7, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "Moms and Anger: Understanding Your Triggers", hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller delve into the challenging emotions that many mothers experience in their parenting journey—specifically, anger. Featuring insights from Wendy Speake and Amber Leah, co-authors of the book "Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses", the discussion offers practical strategies and biblical perspectives to help parents navigate their anger triggers effectively.

Guest Introduction and Book Overview

The episode features Wendy Speake and Amber Leah, who revisit their impactful discussion from earlier in the year. Their book, "Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses," serves as a cornerstone for the conversation, providing listeners with actionable advice grounded in Christian principles.

Jim Daly introduces the guests by highlighting their previous engagement and the positive response from the audience:

“[00:19] Jim Daly: Some really insightful words from Wendy Speake and she and her friend and co-author Amber Leah were with us earlier this year talking about anger in parenting. That show connected with a lot of people and so it's back today as one of our best of programs from 2024.”

Personal Experiences of Anger in Parenting

Amber Leah shares her initial confidence as a calm teacher transitioning into motherhood:

“[03:00] Amber Leah: Okay. Simple enough, you know, I planned to be a great, calm, gentle, biblical, loving mom. That was the plan.”

However, the reality of parenting seven boys presented unforeseen challenges that disrupted her initial mindset, leading to moments of unexpected anger:

“[03:38] John Fuller: I realized they don't go anywhere at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. They don't go home. Your home is their home.”

Wendy Speake echoes similar sentiments, highlighting her surprise upon experiencing anger despite never having been yelled at in her upbringing:

“[05:11] Wendy Speake: I know when I had my third child, it's like something broke. It's like, whoa, why?”

Identifying Triggers: Internal and External

Amber Leah categorizes anger triggers into internal and external:

• External Triggers: Situations such as lack of sleep, a messy house, or running late.
• Internal Triggers: Feelings of loneliness, self-doubt in parenting capabilities, or marital issues spilling over into interactions with children.

“[06:19] Amber Leah: There are internal triggers and there are external triggers. ... But it could be the internal things as well. You know, I find that many times my anger stemmed from just loneliness and not feeling like a capable mom.”

Understanding these triggers is essential for parents to manage their reactions effectively.

Strategies to Overcome Anger

The guests emphasize the importance of preparation and perspective in responding to triggers:

1. Seeing Triggers as Opportunities:

   • Wendy Speake advises parents to view challenging moments as chances to foster maturity:

     “[05:53] Wendy Speake: ...these triggers are opportunities and if we don't ready ourselves to see them as an opportunity, we're going to respond wrong when they respond wrong.”

2. Preparing Responses:

   • Developing "parenting scripts" allows parents to respond calmly rather than reacting impulsively:

     “[09:53] Wendy Speake: ...you need to figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean.”

3. Adopting a Coaching Mindset:

   • Amber Leah shares her transition from trying to “fix” her children to guiding them towards maturity:

     “[10:43] Amber Leah: ...I get to guide them toward maturity, whether it's personal development maturity, or spiritual maturity.”

4. Discipleship Over Discipline:

   • Emphasizing the development of the child's heart and character alongside setting boundaries:

     “[16:23] Wendy Speake: ...you disciple first and then you discipline.”

Application of Biblical Principles

The conversation underscores integrating biblical teachings into parenting strategies. The guests encourage parents to reflect Christ-like behavior in their responses:

• Amber Leah emphasizes obedience as a means to model self-control:

  “[13:36] Amber Leah: ...God wanted me to obey first. And my obedience looked like not losing my temper, not being quick to anger.”

• Wendy Speake points out the importance of understanding scriptures through the lens of Christ’s example:

  “[15:51] Wendy Speake: ...if we don't consider how God parents ... those scriptures are dangerous.”

Practical Examples and Anecdotes

The hosts and guests share relatable anecdotes to illustrate effective strategies:

• Park Scenario:

  • Wendy Speake recounts a situation at the park where planned responses helped manage her children's meltdown:

    “[11:51] Wendy Speake: ...we went there and I said, ...we're gonna practice leaving, and if it goes well, we'll come back for a couple more hours.”

• Swim Class Lesson:

  • Wendy Speake learns the "starfish" approach, prioritizing calm and respectful communication over lectures:

    “[17:06] Jim Daly: Starfish.”

    “[18:12] Wendy Speake: ...how respectful is that? ...it's easier to stay calm and they stay calm and they get to say, oh.”

Listener Engagement and Testimonials

The episode includes heartfelt testimonials from listeners who have benefited from previous discussions, demonstrating the real-world impact of the advice offered.

“[00:39] John Fuller: ...a listener comment about this particular show... 'I needed this to help my daughter with my granddaughter and I've learned so much.'”

Conclusion and Takeaways

As the episode wraps up, Jim Daly and John Fuller encourage listeners to apply the discussed strategies to foster healthier, more compassionate family dynamics. They highlight the availability of Wendy Speake and Amber Leah's book for deeper insights and promote ongoing support through donations to sustain the ministry's work.

Key Takeaways:

1. Acknowledgment of Anger: Recognizing that anger is a common emotion in parenting and not a personal failing.
2. Identifying Triggers: Distinguishing between internal and external triggers to better manage responses.
3. Preparing Responses: Developing pre-planned, gentle responses to avoid reactive anger.
4. Adopting a Coaching Role: Guiding children towards maturity rather than simply enforcing obedience.
5. Biblical Integration: Applying Christian principles to nurture both behavior and character.

Notable Quotes:

• Wendy Speake [00:02]: “These triggers are opportunities...we can invite them into maturity with us.”
• Amber Leah [03:07]: “I'm gonna be a fabulous mom. Cause I had been a teacher...it was a shock to me to discover that I had some triggers.”
• Wendy Speake [05:13]: “Why does it keep coming out of me, this exasperation, this anger when I never had this modeled.”
• Amber Leah [07:27]: “...). their disobedience is... an opportunity now for me to help them through their disobedience toward maturity.”
• Wendy Speake [09:59]: “Figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean.”

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For parents seeking to transform anger into opportunities for growth and maturity within their families, this episode offers both compassionate understanding and practical, biblically grounded strategies.

Transcript

[Wendy Speake]

These triggers are opportunities and if we don't ready ourselves to see them as an opportunity, we're going to respond wrong when they respond wrong. But if we're prepared, we can respond right when they do wrong and we can invite them into maturity with us.

[Jim Daly]

Some really insightful words from Wendy Speake and she and her friend and co author Amber Leah were with us earlier this year talking about anger in parenting. That show connected with a lot of people and so it's back today as one of our best of programs from 2024. Thanks for joining us. This is FOCUS on the FAMILY with Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller.

[John Fuller]

There is so much grace for those of you who find yourselves getting angry with your kids and you've probably been beating yourself up, but you know, it is common within parenting. Parenting can be frustrating. But I want to share with you a listener comment about this particular show. When it aired last time, they said thank thanks God. Focus on the Family. And ladies, this is truly an answer to a heartfelt prayer. I needed this to help my daughter with my granddaughter and I've learned so much. I'm sharing on all my social media and with family and friends. Father, renew a right spirit in our emotions to reflect your kindness, gentleness, grace, mercy and self control to every child. Amen. What a great comment.

[Jim Daly]

That is wonderful.

[John Fuller]

Today we want to give you another opportunity to hear this. We hope it will help you respond softly, gently when you feel an angry reaction being triggered.

[Jim Daly]

Amber Leah and Wendy Speak have written a terrific book about this topic called Exchanging Parents Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. You can find out more about our guests and this terrific book when you stop by the show notes or call 1-800-the letter A in the word family. Here now a best of FOCUS on the FAMILY presentation featuring Wendy Speake and Amber Leah.

[John Fuller]

Well, Amber and Wendy, welcome back. It's always good to have you. You bring a certain energy to the broadcast booth here.

[Amber Leah]

Thank you. We're glad to hear it. Yeah, thank you.

[Wendy Speake]

We love being here.

[John Fuller]

I love the COVID of the book. If people can't see this cause they're listening on the radio or wherever they're listening. It is a mom with her mouth or wide open kind of screaming, kinda. Okay, that's it, right? That's the statement. And John mentioned this. But you're moms of seven boys combined. I mean, so you get it. I've got two boys. Boys are great. Boys are a bundle of energy and sometimes they're just and I'm sure daughters do this too. I just haven't had that experience, John. You've got that experience, but, man, it's like button pushing, right? They know exactly where to push your button to get the reaction they want.

[Wendy Speake]

Absolutely, they do.

[John Fuller]

The golden question is, tell us about how you are overcoming your anger when they push that button and then we'll sign off.

[Amber Leah]

Okay. Simple enough, you know, I planned to be a great, calm, gentle, biblical, loving mom. That was the plan.

[John Fuller]

So you went into it with that thought, yeah, I'm gonna be such a great mom.

[Amber Leah]

I'm gonna be a fabulous mom. Cause I had been a teacher. I had been a teacher with lots of students, and I was pretty calm with them, and I felt like I was a great teacher. And so I just naturally assumed that, that that would play a part in my parenting journey. And then I had kids and that whole mindset got turned upside down. And I love my children, but they were not producing peace in me.

[John Fuller]

I realized they don't go anywhere at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. They don't go home. Your home is their home.

[Amber Leah]

Yes. 24, 7. Whole different ballgame. And so it was a shock to me to discover that I had some triggers.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

So you really didn't think you did?

[Amber Leah]

I didn't.

[John Fuller]

You think that's pretty common with most moms that they like. You have that attitude of, I think I can manage this. I'll be a great mom. I love the Lord. The Lord will show me the way.

[Amber Leah]

Sure.

[Wendy Speake]

I abide in him, he abides in me. And the fruit of his spirit will be, you know, hanging plentiful on my. In my life. And I think that there are various reasons why we can be caught off guard. Amber has a little bit more of a traditional story in how she got here. And mine was more of a surprise in a different way.

[Amber Leah]

So you want to go first? So when I. When I was growing up, I came from a home life that had quite a bit of chaos. My parents came out of a situation that was very difficult for them, let's just say that. And so there was a lot of challenging moments for them as parents. And they were wonderful, and we have a fabulous relationship. But I swore I will never yell at my kids. I'll never be this angry. I'm never going to do that and pass that on. And then I found myself doing that. And so I just was frustrated with myself, like, how is this happening? Because that's not who I thought I would be. And that caught me off guard. And Wendy, it's the opposite.

[Wendy Speake]

I don't have A single memory of being yelled at or people yelling in my midst. And so when I had the third.

[John Fuller]

Child, my jaw is hanging open here.

[Wendy Speake]

I know when I had my third child, it's like something broke. It's like, whoa, why?

[John Fuller]

Yeah, you got outnumbered.

[Wendy Speake]

Why does it keep coming out of me, this exasperation, this anger when I never had this modeled. So it doesn't matter how you got here. This conversation is really just for all of us because we get there.

[John Fuller]

Okay, but here's the question. Were you ever that woman that you saw that out of control kid at Walmart and said, not when I'm a mother. That will never happen. And then sure enough, boom, there you are.

[Amber Leah]

Easy to say that until you have that child yourself.

[Wendy Speake]

A lot more compassion, a lot more empathy for moms once you become one.

[John Fuller]

Isn'T that a great idea? Go and say, is there any way I could help you or just doing.

[Wendy Speake]

A good job, keep at it.

[Amber Leah]

And that's why I think that's what this is. That is. That's what I was gonna say. That's what Wendy and I, our heart is, is that we want parents to know that they're not alone in that and they do not have to feel shame and condemnation and that there is hope. There are things that we can do and that the Lord does transform us.

[John Fuller]

Amber, tell me about the two trigger types, I guess.

[Amber Leah]

Well, there are internal triggers and there are external triggers. And both of those triggers are, you know, situations that can catch us off guard. But it's helpful to understand why am I feeling this way. And it can be things that are external, like I haven't gotten enough sleep or the house is a mess, or we're just running late. But it could be the internal things as well. You know, I find that many times my anger stemmed from just loneliness and not feeling like a capable mom, like I didn't know what I was doing. It could be even issues in your marriage that then they spill out onto our children. So there are many different things that can impact us, and it's helpful to identify them, because if we are unaware of why we're even reacting this way, it's difficult to see how can I move forward in a better direction.

[John Fuller]

So one of yours that was mentioned in the book is disobedience of your children. Most parents would say, yeah, that one doesn't sit well with me either. But it was a trigger, which may be a. A little more depth to that, I guess. So how was that a more serious trigger for you?

[Amber Leah]

Well, so for you Know when my kids would disobey. And I think a lot of parents feel this way. We go into parenting thinking our kids naturally are going to know that they need to obey us. I'm the authority figure. And so they're going to listen and they're going to be compliant. And then when they're not, I felt like I was a victim. I was always in this place of, they're doing this to me. And I had to shift and realize, no, they're immature. They have not figured this out yet. And their disobedience is. It is human nature. It's normal. It's not a benchmark of my parenting. It is really an opportunity now for me to help them through their disobedience toward maturity. And also, when my kids are disobedient, I'm really seeing that they're sinning against God. They're not sinning against me. And so now I have the privilege. I get to help them correct them lovingly in the right direction. Right?

[John Fuller]

Yeah.

[Amber Leah]

It's not so bad.

[John Fuller]

I'm laughing because it makes total sense, but it's hard to live in.

[Amber Leah]

It's hard to do.

[John Fuller]

I mean, when you're feeling that. Wendy, how does a mom make that adjustment for her expectations when it comes to dis. Okay, my child's just expressing his natural inclination to become independent. And therefore I will react in calmness and love.

[Wendy Speake]

Well, you know, in the triggered moment, if you haven't prepared for it, you're not going to. You're going to respond in your flesh rather than in the spirit. You have to prepare the spirit and sometimes also prepared words. And one of the things that we say in this. Well, a couple things. Amber in many of her chapters, and the book is laid out with 30 short chapters where we just take common triggers. And in many of Amber's chapters, she reminds us, reminds us these triggers are opportunities. And if we don't ready ourselves to see them as an opportunity, we're going to respond wrong when they respond wrong. But if we're prepared, we can respond right when they do wrong, and we can invite them into maturity with us. But one of the things that I say in it is you need to figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean. Because so often we're taken by surprise because they got out of bed for the umpteenth time when we've tucked them in lovingly, gently, and we're exhausted. But if we can look back and say, oh, that always takes me by surprise. Okay, what am I gonna start Doing differently. And we can prepare what we mean to say. Gentle, loving, maybe Firm.

[John Fuller]

Sure.

[Amber Leah]

Yeah.

[Wendy Speake]

But we can be prepared. And if we're not prepared, that means we're probably not gonna see those triggers as opportunities. Instead, we're going to be triggered.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jim Daly]

So one of the things you're saying is that we're not supposed to be the rule keepers for our kids. We're not supposed to make sure they follow the rules. I think you used the analogy of coaching.

[John Fuller]

Is that what they're saying?

[Wendy Speake]

Yes, but there is an order to things. I think that the tendency sometimes is to discipline our children as though that's going to teach them, but there needs to be discipleship and there needs to be training. So Amber starts the book off really talking with that coaching model.

[Amber Leah]

I felt for a long time I needed to fix my kids. And I realized pretty quickly that I get to guide them toward maturity, whether it's personal development maturity, or spiritual maturity. And so really looking at myself as mom, as a coach, and saying, okay, let me evaluate what's going on here when you're disobeying me, what's really happening, and then getting to the root of that and then setting up opportunities for them to practice outside of conflict. Okay, so you are supposed to come to the dinner table in a timely manner. It's a simple request. Right. Or get to the car on time with your shoes actually tied, whatever the case may be.

[John Fuller]

Are you talking to me?

[Amber Leah]

How are your shoes looking today?

[John Fuller]

Slip ons?

[Amber Leah]

Okay. Perfect. Yes. Winning. Yeah, sometimes. That's all. And that's part of the evaluation, honestly, sometimes we just need to get practical. We just, you know, maybe buy some slip ons. But practicing these things with them so that they're not caught off guard by our anger because of our expectations, when we haven't done the front work to really work with them in whatever the disobedience is that, you know, or the issue or the trigger ahead of time and to plan ahead.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah. So we're planning. We call them parenting scripts when we're not triggered. How am I going to behave when it's time to leave the park and the kids are melting down? Okay. I'm going to be prepared with that next time. So, I mean, that was a scenario for my family with three boys when they were young and we went to the park a lot, and all of the wonderful expectations would just evaporate into a puddle of tears when the fun time was over, it's time to go home, I went back to coach coaching the kids and we had to leave a park because of a meltdown. And the next time we went, we got there and I said, hey, guys, we're gonna start to play, but I'm gonna give you a heads up in about 15, 20 minutes, I'm gonna tell you it's time to leave, and we're gonna practice leaving, and if it goes well, we'll come back for a couple more hours. And so we did this, and we did it a couple of times, and it was back to just.

[John Fuller]

Wow. Straining Let me get this right. So you practiced leaving, and because they obeyed, then you went back to the. I mean, you just stayed at the park.

[Wendy Speake]

And then when it was really time to leave, say, you already nailed this.

[John Fuller]

Let me ask you this question. It's kind of the theological question. Given this irritates all of us as parents, why didn't the Lord just structure kids to obey us as parents kind of blindly? That would have been a lot easier, Lord.

[Amber Leah]

Well.

[Wendy Speake]

Well, I know that there may be a question for the Lord so much about our sanctification.

[Amber Leah]

Yes.

[Wendy Speake]

And we think of their growing in maturity as their sanctification. But I can just see every mom and dad on the other side of this broadcast nodding. Yep, it's my sanctification that the Lord's after here.

[John Fuller]

Isn't that what's at work the whole time for the child and for the parent?

[Wendy Speake]

For the child and for the parent. But I would say for the parent and then for the child.

[Amber Leah]

Because, Jim, you know, we want them to obey, but God, I realized this early on when my kids were not doing what I wanted them to do, was that God wanted me to obey first. And my obedience looked like not losing my temper, not being quick to anger, being slow to speak. Right. Quieting contention, becoming more of a peacemaker myself. Just. Amber, to stop being rude to your child just because they're being rude to you, you don't need to dish it back to them. And so it had to start with me, you know, I had to get that self control activated, you know, through the Holy Spirit, and work on myself first. It was the log in my eye before I started working on this spec in my child's. And that was what God was after.

[John Fuller]

Was my rep. What that means in parenting.

[Amber Leah]

It does. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

[John Fuller]

No, it's so good. And you are teaching the child how to be an adult someday.

[Amber Leah]

That's right.

[John Fuller]

You're giving them kind of the fruit of the Spirit, which is incredibly important. Let me ask you this with the kind of, the strict, I would say, discipline orientation of scripture, you know, spare the rod, spoil the kid, that kind of thing. What do you see in the Bible about responding to children with that gentleness so that they can come? I'll give you an example. A good friend of mine in South Africa, Donnie Vandenheaver, who started Focus South Africa, actually I used to spend a lot of time with the family, always stay at their home. Four children. The youngest was a little boy, Rudy. And Rudy would get into trouble with the sisters. And he'd sit in a chair, Donnie, and say, rudy, come son. Come here, son. Tell me what is frustrating you right now. Why are your sisters so upset with you? What have you done?

[Wendy Speake]

You know, what you're saying reminds me of Christ, right? And so that would be my answer is we can take scriptures of admonition on how we are to parent with the rod or a number of others. And if we don't consider the scripture through the lens of Christ's example or even God the father of that wayward people, those wayward kids, the Israelites in the desert, if we don't consider how God parents, those scriptures are dangerous.

[John Fuller]

Well, here's, here's an outcome question for you, you know, at the end. And we've counseled many parents that have been in this situation. If you only concentrated on of behavior, most likely you will have missed developing their heart for God. In terms of an over emphasis, you have to do both. You don't disregard either. And it's kind of like anything when you're out of kilter one way or the other, you get a bad outcome. So it's that consistency of boundaries, but then doing it with the love of God.

[Wendy Speake]

Well, and it's back to that same conversation of you disciple first and then you discipline. Discipling is the heart, disciplining is the behavior. But always go back to the discipleship.

[Jim Daly]

This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And our guests are Amber, Leah and Wendy Speake. And we're talking about their terrific book Triggers. Exchanging Parents Angry Reactions for gentle biblical responses. Get a copy of that when you call 800 the letter A and the word family. 800-232-6459 or stop by the show notes.

[John Fuller]

Wendy, you learned a parenting concept at a swim class. The only thing I learned at that swim class was starfish.

[Jim Daly]

Starfish.

[John Fuller]

Which is a great concept for survival.

[Wendy Speake]

Yes, starfish. This is survival too. Okay. So my children went to, you know, toddler swim classes and my oldest son had a swim teacher that he had never had before. And the kids kept coming off the side of the wall and sinking. So not a small thing like this is a dangerous thing. And there needs to be a, you know, a lesson learned. Stay on the wall. If I'm not with you, I'm teaching your little brother right now. But out he came from the wall and she'd scoop him up, look him in the eye and say, uh, oh. And I remember being, you know, on the bench watching this, thinking, well, oh, oh, oh, it's not going to work with my strong willed kid. You give him a lecture. S. And the truth is my son looked her in the eye and stayed on the wall after that. And I started applying oh instead of the lecture.

[John Fuller]

Oh, wow.

[Wendy Speake]

Did I already teach how they should X, Y or Z? Did I do the discipleship? Did I do the training? Did I give the lecture? I have? Do they know right from wrong? Yes, they do. So what's more respectful to drone on and on about what they should or should not do or to remind them that they know? And if I don't fill the space with my incessant nagging, guess what's more likely to happen? Conviction in their little hearts. Oh, that was wrong.

[John Fuller]

And it's a lot easier.

[Wendy Speake]

It's so much easier. And I stay calm and they stay calm and they get to say, oh.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, but that old adage, you know, insanity defined as doing the and expecting a different outcome. Right. So I mean, that is smart. Just try something different a little lighter, especially age appropriate. You know, a three year old probably understands, uh oh, better than the professoral.

[Amber Leah]

Lecture and what are we taking back?

[Wendy Speake]

And I actually, it does work on teens and also how gracious it is to a child even as they transition into adulthood to acknowledge, whoa, that didn't work with compassion.

[John Fuller]

Let me ask you, Wendy, there's I think three things that you encourage moms and really dads too, to keep in mind when their children start to complain. Oh, this is a good one. Complaining is like their number one job.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah, well, you know, even though they are things that our children are doing, even if it's an external trigger, as we call it, the question is an internal one. Why is this bothering me? And am I going to complain about their complaining and think that my complaining is going to help them learn not to complain? What are there other things that I can do when they're not in the heat of the complaint? Well, we can circle back to scripture, but one of the things that I list there is often parents use scripture more like a hammer. Than a scalpel. We in that triggered moment, we say, well, you know what God's word says in Philippians? It says that you should not be.

[John Fuller]

That sounds very good to me.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah. You know, God's word says that you shouldn't complain. God's word says that you should honor your parents. And it's going to go well with you. How's it going for you right now, son? Right. As though that's gonna get to their heart.

[Jim Daly]

That's really good role playing. Cause you've never done that.

[Wendy Speake]

No, no, no, no, no. I'm either hide under a rock, that family at Walmart, I'm just grabbing them. And yet if you can wait until you're not triggered and they're calmer and circle back and say, hey, you know, I've been thinking of about God's word actually talks about the issue we had earlier today. So I'm thinking about what it looks like in my life. What would it look like to not complain when your brother does that to you?

[John Fuller]

Right. And just to concisely put that, you said, number one, behave right even when they behave wrong.

[Wendy Speake]

Behave right when they behave wrong.

[John Fuller]

Another way you would say it is be the adult in the room. Cause you are.

[Wendy Speake]

Because you are. I love it. Beat the adult in the room because you.

[John Fuller]

That's such a tough one, though. I mean, I have done that. I mean, I'm down there in the nitty gritty kind of the. What's the old analogy? When you get in the pig pen with the pigs, you get dirty. I mean, parents just have an amazing ability to act like children. We do when we get into, like, do it because I told you to do it.

[Amber Leah]

And when the kids are complaining, arguing, whining, what was helpful for me to understand is that they're often feeling powerless. And so when we move to asking them some questions, again, like you were saying, Jim, like, tell me, why are you feeling this way? What's going on?

[John Fuller]

That's really good.

[Amber Leah]

It just puts it right back into, I'm their guide, I'm their coach. I don't have to fix this. I can guide them toward really understanding what their feelings are. And they feel less need to whine and complain because they know that mom's.

[John Fuller]

Gonna listen when you're really helping them later in life to be a good husband, a good wife. Because communication is the core thing in human, you know, a good friend, a.

[Wendy Speake]

Good employee, a good student.

[John Fuller]

Totally. It fits everything. Hey, Amber, you. I love this story. I want to get this in, but you bought a Bouncy house, which created some conflict with the boys. How could that happen?

[Amber Leah]

Why is it that we do something fun for them and then it goes haywire, right? I thought this was gonna be a fun trip. And now we wish we had never left, right?

[Wendy Speake]

Of being the victim, right? That's why we feel like the victim is. Do you not recognize what I just did for you?

[Amber Leah]

So then they're in the bouncy house, and the whole time they're arguing and fighting with one another. Just sibling rivalry at its finest. Who gets to make up the game we're gonna play? Was that knee to the face truly an accident, or did they do that on purpose? You know, who has to put this thing away? So it was just like one trigger after another. And so I learned quickly that first of all, their arguing and fighting with one another, their sibling rivalry is so human nature, again, it wasn't a reflection of me. And I get the opportunity now to help them sort through this sibling rivalry. And so I would say to them, you know what? I think this is something you can work out. And I'm confident that you'll be able to figure out who gets to take turns how you're going to do it. So instead of trying to solve it for them, instead of just moving quick to punishment or saying, forget it, we're just gonna put the bouncy away, right? I wanna teach them how do I actually learn to cooperate with my sibling? And I don't wanna feed that to them all the time. I say to them, I believe that you guys are gonna work this out. And I can't wait to see what you're gonna do to come up with a good plan to take good turns.

[Wendy Speake]

You know that. How respectful is that?

[John Fuller]

That's really good. And I think I did not do that well. I jumped in and solved the problem just so I would have peace and tranquility to teach and empower your children to do the problem solving.

[Amber Leah]

It's so good for them. Because now what's so great is My oldest is 17. And at night, I'm exhausted, but I force myself awake because that's when his mind unlocks and he wants to debrief his day. And he will come in and I'll come in to pray with him and he'll say, mom, this happened today. And that happened today. And I'm really feeling xyz. And I think it's because of this. And so will you pray about that with me? And I'm like, yes, Ollie, let's pray together about that. But I know. And so I hope that parents with young kids are listening to this. That I didn't know that was gonna be the fruit 10 years later.

[John Fuller]

Right.

[Amber Leah]

But I get it to see it now. And I hope they'll be encouraged that you're gonna be watering the seeds of empathy and kindness and the fruit of the spirit towards your children in these triggered moments. Be faithful because you are shaping their hearts. You are allowing them to learn how do I process my emotions well, how do I navigate these sibling relationships so that as they grow older, they become really expert in that. And it's a beautiful thing to see and to partner with your older kids.

[John Fuller]

In which Wendy was that last point. Act like a child of God. That was your point. Three of those three points in it. That's such a beautiful reminder. We've run out of time today, but let's hang on.

[Amber Leah]

Time flies.

[John Fuller]

I mean, we have scratched the surface of this. There's so much more work we can do to perfect our parenting skills. And I hope you have enjoyed this. I mean, this has been so good to have Amber and Wendy with us and to talk about their book triggers. We want to get this into your hands. So if you can make a gift of any amount, we'll send it to you as our way of saying thank you. The best way to do that, a way that John and and Dina and Gene and I support Focus, is monthly. If you can do that, that really helps. Cause it evens out the budget for the whole year and we can count on that revenue then to do the things in marriage and parenting and counseling and all the things that we have to budget for. So be a part of the ministry. This accrues to your account, not ours. I love a donor couple. I called one time to thank and they said, jim, we just expect you to run Focus effectively and efficiently so we can do ministry through it. Isn't that awesome?

[Amber Leah]

But that's amazing.

[John Fuller]

It's a terrific way to look at this. You know, you're working. Send some of that to Focus to do Kingdom work. We're going to do it as effectively and efficiently as possible. But again, that ministry accrues to your account. I believe in the Lord's eyes. So thank you for joining us.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

Donate today. A monthly gift if you're able or if you can't do that, a one time gift of any amount is deeply appreciated. Those contributions help us reach parents around the world. So donate today. And to hear more of our best of 2024 shows, we've got got all of those available for you. It's our best of 2024 audio collection. It's free and the link is in the show Notes and as always, you can also call us if you have any questions or you want to make your contribution over the phone. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Unknown]

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