Podcast Summary

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Episode: Parenting Adult Children When They Walk Away from God (Part 1 of 2)
Date: November 18, 2025
Guest: Mary DeMuth, author of Love, Pray, Listen: Parenting Your Wayward Adult Kids With Joy

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the struggles and heartache Christian parents experience when their adult children walk away from faith or make life decisions that go against family and biblical values. Hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller engage author, speaker, and podcaster Mary DeMuth in a compassionate, hope-filled discussion. DeMuth shares her personal journey through trauma and parenting and provides guidance on how parents can best love, pray for, and maintain meaningful, grace-filled relationships with their adult children—especially those who may be estranged from faith or family.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Rising Parental Concerns About Adult Children

• Growing trend: Focus on the Family counseling lines have seen an uptick in parents seeking help with adult children, particularly around faith struggles, substance abuse, alternative lifestyles, and antagonistic relationships.
  • “One of the top reasons that people will call us is is struggles with adult children.” —Jim Daly (01:03)
• Loss of parental control: Many parents, especially those who followed rigid parenting advice, are disillusioned when adult children exercise their own will.
  • “We really love free will for ourselves, but we really don't love free will for our adult children.” —Mary DeMuth (03:52)

Mary DeMuth’s Personal Story and Trauma

• Adverse childhood experiences: Mary faced sexual abuse, parental neglect, substance abuse in the home, food insecurity, and loneliness.
  • “I can relate to almost anyone that's gone any, through anything.” —Mary DeMuth (05:06)
• Redemptive journey: Despite a godless home, Mary felt a longing for God and came to faith at 15 through Young Life, but acknowledges healing was “a very long process.”
  • “That was actually the beginning of a very long healing journey.” —Mary DeMuth (07:59)
• Comfort for parents: Mary emphasizes that God relentlessly pursues even wayward children, as He did her.
  • “The Lord is pursuing their kids and he was pursuing me in so many beautiful, powerful ways.” —Mary DeMuth (06:51)

Parenting Approaches for Adult Children

• “Holy Curiosity” and Relationship: Mary stresses the value of curiosity about adult children’s inner worlds and respecting their autonomy.
  • “I'm so curious. What makes you think this thing that you're thinking or I'm so curious about… what are you going to do about this problem? …Just to have this holy curiosity of my kids.” —Mary DeMuth (10:19)
• Letting Go of Control: The shift from directive parent to supportive coach is critical; surrendering children to God is part of their journey.
  • “We're working ourselves out of a job less and less and less control, and then we lose it all. And that's really hard to let go of.” —Mary DeMuth (14:39)
• Identity not tied to children’s choices: Parents must untether their worth from children’s spiritual success or choices.
  • “Finding your identity in Jesus alone, not in my parenting prowess, not in how my kids turn out.” —Mary DeMuth (15:21)

Navigating the Transition to Adulthood

• Changing norms: More young adults live at home longer; parents struggle with balancing support and enabling.
  • “When is it okay to extend some money their way and when is it enabling? …That's where I have to go back to the Holy Spirit.” —Mary DeMuth (17:35)
• Tailoring support: Each adult child has unique needs; there's no universal formula for when or how to help.
  • “To give money to one would be the right thing to do, but to give money to another would be the wrong thing to do.” —Mary DeMuth (17:53)

Grief and Parental Expectations

• Processing disappointment: Parents may need to grieve unmet expectations and release the pain to see God at work in children’s lives.
  • “That grief blinded me…It wasn't until I walked through that and named the grief… that once I grieved it, I was now able to see God working in their lives where I was blind to it before.” —Mary DeMuth (19:18)
• Advice to grieve openly: It’s not a mark of parental failure but a necessary step to healing relationships.

Unconditional Love and Acceptance

• Children’s deep question: Every child, regardless of age, wonders, "Will my parents love me if…?"
  • “Will my parents love me if. …Will you love me if I fail you? Will you love me if I walk away? Will you love me if I have same sex attraction?...All of these things. They're asking you that.” —Mary DeMuth (21:33)
• 1 Corinthians 13 as a framework: Parent-child love, especially with wayward children, should be rooted in agape love—not just conditional, performance-based affection.

Building and Mending Broken Relationships

• Humility and apology: Parents foster restoration by owning their mistakes and sincerely apologizing, modeling humility.
  • “I'm so sorry. I did that when you were 10 years old. Could you please forgive me? …And they're like, mom, just stop…We forgive you. But it's very important to me to name what I feel like were my failures and ask for forgiveness.” —Mary DeMuth (23:08)
• Inviting feedback: Create space for adult children to share wounds or disappointments.

Personal Story of Reconciliation

• With her own mother: After years of brokenness and estrangement, Mary’s humility, honesty, and forgiveness paved the way for a restored relationship—even leading to her mother attending church.
  • “I got a call from my mom two years ago…at the very end, she said, by the way, I'm going to church. …It was a 45 year prayer that she is having a journey now and we are.” —Mary DeMuth (24:39)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Control:

  “We really love free will for ourselves, but we really don't love free will for our adult children.”
  —Mary DeMuth (03:52)

• On God’s Pursuit:

  “The Lord is pursuing their kids and he was pursuing me in so many beautiful, powerful ways that I can't even really explain except just that it was the Lord.”
  —Mary DeMuth (06:51)

• On Letting Go:

  “When you untether [your identity from parenthood], then it is easier to lay down and surrender what they are going to become.”
  —Mary DeMuth (15:21)

• On Unconditional Love:

  “The question that kids are always asking with their behavior, whether they're 4 or 24, is, will my parents love me if…”
  —Mary DeMuth (21:12)

• On Humility in Parenting:

  “Part of restoration of a relationship is it always involves going first and it involves humility.”
  —Mary DeMuth (23:10)

• On Reconciliation:

  “Speaking the truth in deep humility and kindness and love doesn't ruin everything. It gives you a platform from which to start.”
  —Mary DeMuth (25:22)

Timestamps of Key Segments

• 02:11 — Introduction to Mary DeMuth and her background
• 03:13 — Current stresses parents face with adult children
• 05:04 — Mary’s childhood trauma and journey to faith
• 09:35 — Reflections on relating to adult children and "holy curiosity"
• 14:01 — The challenge of surrendering control as adult children mature
• 17:16 — Navigating the practicalities of adult children living at home
• 18:57 — Transitioning from control to coaching/support
• 19:49 — Processing grief over children’s choices
• 21:12 — The deep question of conditional love
• 23:08 — Humility, apologies, and the importance of restoration
• 24:39 — Story of reconciling with her mother after decades
• 25:40 — Final thoughts and preview of the next episode

Summary Takeaways

• Parenting adult children, especially those distant from faith, requires humility, persistent love and prayer, and intentional release of control.
• Parents can best impact their adult children not by trying to manage or direct, but by being loving, available, curious, and rooted in Christ.
• Engaging in hard conversations, admitting parental failures, and extending authentic forgiveness can open doors to reconciliation.
• The process of letting go and trusting God with wayward children mirrors His own pursuit of us—a recurring theme that brings hope to hurting parents.

For more resources and to hear the continuation of this discussion, listeners are encouraged to engage with Mary DeMuth’s book and Focus on the Family’s parenting tools.