Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Episode Summary: Parenting Your Teens When Times Are Tough

Air Date: June 30, 2016
Host: Jim Daly
Co-Host: John Fuller
Guest: Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family

Overview

This episode explores the practical and emotional challenges of parenting teenagers, especially during tough or discouraging times. With Dr. Greg Smalley as guest, the discussion centers on navigating parental discouragement, managing different sibling temperaments, the importance of hope, and teaching teens valuable lessons through struggle and failure. Throughout, listeners are encouraged to persevere and trust God’s outcomes while equipping themselves with tools for relational growth.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Mountain as a Parenting Metaphor ([03:32] - [10:49])

• Storytelling Framework:
  Dr. Greg Smalley shares a hiking story with his daughters (aged 17 and 20) on Mount Elbert, Colorado’s highest peak (14,433 ft), which becomes a metaphor for the parenting journey’s highs and lows.

• Sibling Differences On Display:

  • Taylor (20): Perfectionist, determined to reach the summit no matter what.
  • Murphy (17): Hates feeling controlled, wants to turn back, becomes resistant when she feels pressured.

• Unexpected Adversity:
  A sudden snowstorm hits the hikers in August, causing physical and emotional strain on all parties.

• Key Insight:
  Parents must be aware of their children’s unique temperaments and avoid a one-size-fits-all approach. It’s important to see the child, not just the problem.

  “You don’t parent looking at the problem. You parent looking at the child.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [07:56])

2. Hope and Parental Presence ([09:58] - [14:46])

• Despair and the Need for Encouragement:
  Greg hits a low point of despair on the mountain until a fellow hiker encourages them that the summit is near. This ‘restoration of hope’ galvanizes both Greg and Murphy to persevere.

  “I needed hope. I mean, that's the realization of how damaging despair is... I needed something.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [09:58])

• Application to Prodigal or Struggling Teens:
  Parental hope is not contingent on the child’s actions. Parents need to ‘be the rock’—providing presence, safety, and strength even in silence.

  “You can't control your child. ... As the dad, as the leader of my family, I was the one that needed the hope.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [11:22])

• Role of Community Support:
  Like hikers cheering them on, parents should seek support from others.

  “That’s the power of community ... don’t do this alone.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [16:46])

3. Compassion over Correction ([14:08] - [15:25])

• Presence Over Advice:
  Rather than lecturing, sometimes the most powerful act is simply sitting with your struggling child—being present without preaching.

  "People don't care what you know until they know that you care." (Dr. Greg Smalley quoting Teddy Roosevelt, [14:08])

• Heart-Check for Parents:
  Parents’ disappointment and pain can cause them to close their hearts, removing their effectiveness. Before correcting children, parents need to process and check their own emotions.

4. The Gift of Failure ([17:20] - [22:13])

• Why Failure Is Essential:
  Overprotective or ‘helicopter’ parenting keeps children from vital lessons. Allowing safe failure within the home helps prepare children for real-world setbacks.

  “It’s one of the greatest gifts we will ever give our kids is the gift of failure.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [18:09])

• Modeling Vulnerability:
  Let kids see parents fail and make it right; this fosters an environment of honesty and grace.

  “We are failing as parents all the time ... I own it. And now I'm going to seek your forgiveness.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [19:19])

• Letting Consequences Teach:
  Dr. Smalley admits to rewriting his daughter’s paper, only to be called out by the teacher, and learns that denying kids their own setbacks is a disservice.

  “You denied me the opportunity to teach her through my response...and you took that away from her.” (Dr. Greg Smalley recalling the teacher’s advice, [21:56])

5. Treasure Hunting: Growth from Trials ([22:13] - [25:15])

• Biblical Perspective:
  Drawing from biblical concepts like ‘Ebenezer’ stones, Greg encourages parents to help kids look for treasures—lessons or growth that emerge from hardships.

  “Treasure hunting is when we look back and we take those stones that are really diamonds and we begin to stack them up...as a recognition of God's ever present help in our lives.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [22:34])

• Calling Out Goodness:
  Parents can build confidence in teens by affirming their true identities and potential, especially when kids can’t see it in themselves.

  “One of the greatest things we can do for our kids...is to continue to call out, ‘I know who you are. This is not who you are. I know who you are. And I know that God's going to help you get there...’” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [24:33])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Despair and Hope:

  “The moment hope returned.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [10:34])

• On Encouragement:

  “I needed the hope. ... I think it’s in those moments that hope is about us taking the next step.” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [11:22]; [01:33], paraphrased and repeated)

• Vulnerability in Parenting:

  “There are so many times I have an opportunity to sit my kids down and go, ‘Man, I blew it. That was a terrible choice.’” (Dr. Greg Smalley, [19:19])

• On Letting Go:

  “Let your daughter fail. You denied me the opportunity to teach her.” (Teacher to Dr. Smalley, [21:56])

Important Timestamps

• [03:32]: Start of Dr. Greg Smalley’s mountain hiking analogy
• [09:58]: The turning point—hope restored by a stranger
• [11:22]: Applying hope and presence to real-life prodigal situations
• [14:08]: The value of compassion and presence over advice
• [17:20]: Discussion on giving children the ‘gift of failure’
• [22:13]: Introduction of the ‘treasure hunt’ concept for families
• [24:33]: Calling greatness out of children in tough seasons

Episode Tone

Direct, compassionate, and faith-grounded. The conversation is candid and relatable, full of honest admissions about parenting stress and mistakes, balanced with practical wisdom and biblical encouragement.

Actionable Takeaways for Parents

• Learn each child’s unique temperament and adapt your approach accordingly.
• As a parent, be present rather than always attempting to fix; sometimes just sitting with your child is enough.
• Seek support from your community; don’t parent alone.
• Model healthy failure and apologies—let kids see how to recover from mistakes.
• Allow teens to face consequences; don’t rescue them from every potential failure.
• Help children find meaning in struggles—encourage ‘treasure hunting’ for positive outcomes in tough situations.
• Continually call out your child’s God-given identity and potential, especially in hard times.
• Trust God with outcomes, persevering in hope even when you can’t control the situation.

For further resources, the book “The DNA of Parent Teen Relationships” by Dr. Greg Smalley is recommended and available through Focus on the Family.