Say This, Not That: Smart Parenting Tips for Misbehavior (Part 1 of 2)

Summary

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly: Episode Summary

Episode Title: Say This, Not That: Smart Parenting Tips for Misbehavior (Part 1 of 2)
Release Date: August 12, 2025

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Introduction to Smart Parenting Strategies

In this illuminating episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, host Jim Daly, alongside John Fuller, engages in a heartfelt conversation with parenting experts Wendy Speake and Amber Leah. The central theme revolves around providing parents with effective communication tools—Parenting Scripts—to address and manage their children's misbehavior without resorting to repetitive or ineffective disciplinary measures.

Embracing Imperfection in Parenting

Jim Daly opens the discussion by acknowledging a universal truth: "There are no perfect parents" (00:10). He shares a personal anecdote about apologizing to his son Trent, highlighting the importance of humility and honest communication in parenting. Trent's innocent response, "I didn't know parents had to apologize" underscores the value of modeling accountability and vulnerability for children.

Jim Daly (01:12):
"I wish I could have a do over. And man, today we're going to talk about not needing that do over because we will help you."

Introducing the "Parenting Scripts" Book

John Fuller introduces Wendy Speake and Amber Leah, who have authored the book "Parenting Scripts: When What You're Saying Isn't Working, Say Something New." This resource is designed to equip parents with pre-written responses grounded in biblical principles, enabling them to navigate various stages of parenting challenges effectively.

John Fuller (02:10):
"The heart of the story here today. The book, as you said, Jim, is parenting scripts. When what you're saying isn't working, say something new."

Effective Communication: Moving Beyond Repetition

Jim Daly emphasizes the common pitfall where parents, in frustration, repeat the same instructions ("Stop that. You're going to your room if you don't stop that.") without achieving desired compliance. This repetition often leads to increased defiance, especially in children who may respond with resistance or indifference.

Jim Daly (06:04):
"Because we don't think about it ahead of time, and we tend to do to our children what we lived through as kids."

Implementing Natural Consequences

Wendy Speake and Amber Leah advocate for the use of natural consequences as a more effective disciplinary approach compared to traditional punishment or lecturing. By allowing children to experience the results of their actions, parents can foster accountability and self-reflection without ongoing confrontation.

Wendy Speake (10:19):
"Natural consequences are the most helpful because they're only with us in our home for X number of years."

Real-Life Application: A Story of Discipline and Love

Amber Leah shares a poignant story where her son misbehaves by having a meltdown, leading her to implement a natural consequence by removing privileges. She emphasizes the importance of following through with disciplinary actions while simultaneously expressing unconditional love.

Amber Leah (08:06):
"This is one of those occasions when I want you to know that this is unconditional love. Grace is something you don't deserve."

Jim Daly (15:11):
"You deserve this, but we're deserving this."

Handling Sibling Conflicts with Compassion

The conversation shifts to managing sibling rivalry and physical confrontations. Wendy introduces the metaphor of parents as coaches outside the "boxing ring," guiding their children without directly engaging in the conflict. This approach encourages children to resolve disputes independently while knowing their parents are supportive observers.

Wendy Speake (21:17):
"So ding, ding, ding. Everyone to your corners. Might mean, let's take a break in our rooms."

Addressing the Modern Challenge: Social Media and Comparison

Jim Daly touches upon the pervasive issue of social media and its impact on children's self-esteem and contentment. Wendy and Amber provide scripts that help parents set boundaries around technology use while fostering a heart of gratitude and self-worth rooted in faith.

Wendy Speake (17:05):
"Whether you like it or not, whether you agree with it or not, this is the consequence."

Empowering Parents with Prepared Responses

Both Wendy and Amber stress the significance of preparing thoughtful responses before addressing misbehavior. By having scripts ready, parents can respond calmly and effectively, minimizing emotional reactions and fostering a more respectful and understanding household environment.

Amber Leah (19:16):
"You don't have to do this. You get to do this."

The Role of Biblical Principles in Parenting

Throughout the episode, the integration of biblical teachings is evident. The speakers reference scriptures such as Ephesians 6:2-3, emphasizing obedience and honoring parents as pathways to a prosperous and fulfilling life. This foundation ensures that the parenting strategies discussed are not only practical but also spiritually enriching.

Amber Leah (08:06):
"It's rooted in biblical principles and even in scripture because that's where true transformation happens."

Conclusion: Partnering for Strong Families

As the episode concludes, Jim Daly reiterates the mission of Focus on the Family in supporting parents through resources like the Parenting Scripts book and the Age and Stage E Newsletter. He shares a testimonial from a listener who found solace and practical solutions through their broadcast, underscoring the community's impact.

Jim Daly (27:03):
"No greater resource than parenting scripts by our wonderful guests. And just get on with doing the parenting job as best as you can."

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Key Takeaways:

1. Prepared Responses: Utilizing predetermined scripts can transform parent-child interactions during conflicts.
2. Natural Consequences: Allowing children to face the results of their actions fosters responsibility and self-awareness.
3. Biblical Foundations: Integrating faith-based principles provides a strong moral framework for effective parenting.
4. Emotional Balance: Maintaining calmness and empathy, even during disciplinary moments, strengthens familial bonds.
5. Support Resources: Leveraging available resources like books and newsletters can enhance parental effectiveness and confidence.

By embracing these strategies, parents can navigate the complexities of raising children with grace, wisdom, and unwavering love.

Transcript

[Jim Daly]

God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising starting September 5th and find out how you can be a part of the change and become an agent of restoration. Sign [e-mail] that's truthrising.com.

[Wendy Speake]

I love King Solomon's request. He could have asked for anything. And he said, God, give me wisdom as I lead this great people of yours. He's talking about a nation. Well, nation originally means family. So we've got a little nation in our home. What better question to say, God, give me wisdom as I lead this great people of yours.

[John Fuller]

Welcome to today's episode of FOCUS on the FAMILY with Jim Daly. We're joined by Wendy Speake and Amber Leah. They're gonna offer practical parenting advice for you for every stage of your journey as a mom or a dad. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

[Jim Daly]

You know, John, here's a neon sign. There are no perfect parents.

[John Fuller]

Indeed.

[Jim Daly]

And I think, you know, this would be one of those times I sit and listen to outstanding professionals talk about marriage and parenting. I'll go home and talk to Jean. And she goes, are you listening to your guest? It's a sweet way to say you might have some more room to grow, but in that parenting space, it's so important to you only have one role at this. You know how many of us that have older kids now say, I wish I could have a do over. And man, today we're going to talk about not needing that do over because we will help you. Our guest today to provide scripts. They've written a great book. 30 scripts are included on how to communicate to your kids when they're disobeying, when they're not compliant, when something comes up, the teenagers, those years are in there as well. So I'm looking forward to that discussion because it would have been really helpful for me to have this book when I was raising Trenton. Troy.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, I find it very, very beneficial to hear somebody who kind of frames out what should I be saying when? And that's really the heart of the story here today. The book, as you said, Jim, is parenting scripts. When what you're saying isn't working, say something new. And you can find out more about the book and Wendy Speak and Amber Leah at our website. And we've got the link in the.

[Jim Daly]

Show, not Wendy and Amber. Welcome back to FOCUS on The family.

[Amber Leah]

Hey, Jim, thanks for having us.

[Wendy Speake]

We always love being here, so it means so much.

[Jim Daly]

It's so good to have you guys here. And we always just talk and talk and it's great. Some of that gets captured for the program, but it is so good. And what a topic. You know, these scripts and we've touched on this in previous programs, but I really meant what I said there. You know, this is a helpful tool or resource for parents to really better respond. I can remember one of the times disciplining Trent, and he's just a thoughtful thinker and he was probably six or seven and I was tucking him into bed after the discipline and I said, you know what, Trent, I'm sorry. I overreacted and I just want to say I'm sorry. And then he smiled this big smile. He's in the bunk bed. He's in the top bed because he's the firstborn and he's looking at me eye to eye and he's had this big smile. I said, why are you smiling? He said, I didn't know parents had to apologize. Isn't that cute? It's so sweet. But, you know, it's just that point where we don't get it right all the time. So I think in that regard, the challenges of parenting can be tough. I enjoyed it even with the challenges. And I man, young couples who are thinking, do we get a dog or do we have a baby? Have a baby because it's so much better. And man, I'm telling you, at the end of your life, you will be fully rewarded in that relationship with your children. And we laugh about it. But seriously, don't let fear grip you. And I don't think there's a challenge you can go through that you're not going to be a better person as a parent and have that child be a better young adult. But speak to the challenges. We'll start there. Oh, my goodness. Parenting is tough.

[Wendy Speake]

You know, I know that you brought us in to have a conversation with you, but during your little opening there, I found myself just getting drawn in thinking, yeah, just remind us. That's true. Just remind us. And that's Amber, in my heart is. We think of specifically our two parenting books, triggers, which we've been here with you before and spoken about it. And this really is the follow up book to that.

[Jim Daly]

And we'll attach that broadcast at the website so we can see both.

[Wendy Speake]

But go for your book, really. We like to think of them as conversations. We are not the experts. We are in the trenches and have been in the mom with you guys, saying, hey, here are the struggles. Hey. To the mom that's crying, to the mom that's already feeling convicted, to the mom that already wants to throw in the towel. Yeah, we've been there. So what's the specific struggle? We're gonna sit with you and we're just gonna. We're gonna have a conversation with you about, well, what does God's word say? What could a better response be? What were the lousy responses like? And so that's really what this book is, is an invitation to slow down, sit down, and write down a better.

[Jim Daly]

Response before you're raising the exact point of the parenting challenge. Because we don't think about it ahead of time, and we tend to do to our children what we live through as kids. So that's why we always say that, you know, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree because we're parenting like we were parented and we haven't stopped to think through. Okay, is this effective? I can't remember who said it. I mean, it's that great axiom that, you know, if you're repeating the same thing over and over, trying to get a different result, it's crazy, right?

[Wendy Speake]

And so we're saying, let's figure out where are we making that mistake over and over. Let's pinpoint that. Let's take it one at a time and say, what would a kinder and more effective and more God honoring response be? When my children.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Amber, let me have you on the parenting script. This idea. So role play something for us where the script is applied. You know, it could be misbehavior or something like that. And I say, stop that.

[John Fuller]

Stop that.

[Jim Daly]

You're gonna go to your room if you don't stop that.

[Amber Leah]

Right.

[Jim Daly]

Okay, give it three seconds. You haven't stopped that. All right, now you're going to your room.

[Amber Leah]

Right. And then you feel terrible as a parent. Well, it doesn't seem you're cool.

[Jim Daly]

Same behavior comes out. So take that typical emotional response that we as parents get into. I can't believe we're the adults. I mean, I'm embarrassed to say, so many times I got down there in the pig pen with the boys, trying to convince them, and I'm sounding just like them.

[Amber Leah]

Yes. It's like we have resorted to their level instead of calling to a more mature standard that we could model. Right. And I feel like we do that. We lower ourselves to this suddenly juvenile response just like we're mimicking them instead of calling them to actually listen to us and to obey. And you know, Jim, it's really important because when you get into the heat of the moment, that is the knee jerk response, right? Just keep, you know, blubbering over your words, saying the same things that don't work.

[Jim Daly]

I told you to do this.

[Amber Leah]

Or asking really dumb questions. Let's be honest, like, why do you keep doing that? Or why don't you listen to me? And there's no, like, do we really expect that the child's gonna come up with a really intelligent response?

[Jim Daly]

That's pretty funny. Well, father, my cortex is not responding.

[Amber Leah]

Exactly the way it should, but that's what we do. Like, we just, like, why are you doing this? And so we really wanted to help parents, first of all, you know, understand that you're not the only one that's struggling and doesn't always know what to say or says the wrong thing.

[Wendy Speake]

Yes.

[Amber Leah]

So you're not alone. Don't let you know the enemy heap a ton of shame and guilt on you. But Wendy and I say, you've gotta figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean.

[Jim Daly]

That's so right.

[Amber Leah]

Making the plan right.

[Jim Daly]

Let me push you for the example. The disobedient child. What's a script here just to give the listeners and the viewers a chance to hear it.

[Amber Leah]

And I will also say that with this script, the things that we do encourage parents to say, they're really rooted in biblical principles and even in scripture because that's where true transformation happens, right? Like, there's no better script than, you know, I think it's Wendy that says, choose the word when you choose your words, right? So that's really, really important. And so, like, when I have a child that's disobeying, I will say to them, okay, what happens when you disobey? So instead of immediately going in for a lesson or, you know, punishing them, I will just say, hey, what happens when you disobey Ollie? And he'll say to me, he's learned to say, well, well, things don't go well. And I go, that's right. So I wonder what will happen if you proceed to, you know, hit your brother or jump off that high wall or take the car out without asking permission, you know, checking to make sure I need it first. Like, I wonder what will happen? Because Ephesians tells us in chapter six, verses two through three, it says, children, you'll honor your mother and your father that it may go well with you, that you may live a long Life. Like both in the Old and New Testament, there's so many verses about children obeying their parents. And it goes well with you often so that it will go well with them or so that they will have a long life. And so I've instilled in the boys not perfectly. Okay, disclaimer. Remember, when I ask you what happens when you disobey, I want them to reflect instead of just reject what I'm saying because I'm angry, you know? So, yeah, it just gives a lot of opportunity.

[Jim Daly]

We kind of, even as little children, they. They don't like being told things, you know, it's right in our little human nature called sin. Right. It's so interesting. Wendy, let me ask you this. This natural consequences of our actions. Amber's alluding to it, but let me ask you more specifically. Can that actually be helpful? I think this is an area in my parenting gene was better at than I was. I was more the saving parent. Oh, let's not let them experience too much turmoil or pain. You know, I never said it that way, but I certainly did it. I'd get the look like, seriously, I.

[Wendy Speake]

Think natural consequences are the most helpful because they're only with us in our home for X number of years. So there are just so many reasons why natural consequences, I think, are the best consequences. Now, if your toddler's running into the street, that's not the time for it, Right? So as they get older, I think there's more and more and more room for natural consequences. What I love most as a parent is the hard parenting gets to be done by their consequences and not by my ineffective lectures. They don't need to hear from me again why they shouldn't do that thing they always do. And I'm talking little kids getting out of bed time after time or big kids sneaking out of the bedroom window. Like, whatever these things are as they get older and natural consequences come in, or they didn't do their studies, they didn't turn in their assignment, they didn't keep up on turning in the essay, and all of a sudden it's, mom, you need to pull me from this class. Oh, there are going to be some natural consequences. And one thing that Amber's really good is showing compassion and empathy. Oh, man, I am so sorry you're having to deal with this stress right now. How did you get to this point with not turning in this assignment? Can you walk me through that? Are there ways I can help you to get caught up? But no, I'm not gonna come in for the rescue, because you knew that it was due to. So I'm not going to pull you last minute from a class and then go through the work of signing you up for a summer school class. And then for six weeks, you're gonna be upset at me that I signed you up. Like, this is just. This is wrestling the pig, and you're gonna get dirty. And so natural consequences gets to do the hard parenting, especially as they continue to grow up.

[Jim Daly]

That's really good.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. Yeah. And, Amber, you had a story about a donut shop. I think that relates to this.

[Amber Leah]

This is such a good one. Because it's. To your point, John, it does cost us something. Like, it's not just hard for the kids to obey. It's hard for the parent to follow through consistently. I think a lot of us struggle with that. Like, how do I actually. Like, am I really gonna follow through on that consequence? That hurts my heart as a mom to see your child suffer. There's that empathy piece. So one time, my son had a friend who needed to go to school with us. It was kind of a rare occasion. He was super excited that his buddy was gonna come along with us. And so I said, you know what? Let's leave a little bit early, and we'll go by the donut shop on the way. And so we're getting the car. Everything's going smoothly for the morning, and then my son starts to just melt down. There's this very mouthy response from him that just floored me. It just kind of came out of nowhere. It was kind of unusual. But I was like, this is absolutely not okay the way this is happening. And so I let him know. I said, you know what, son? In our house, we use words to bless people. And the way that you're reacting to the situation right now, unfortunately, is unacceptable. And I cannot put you in the car with your friend and reward you and do something special right on the heels of this, you know, total eruption. And so I'm going to go ahead and take your friend and your brother, and we're going to go to the donut shop, and I'm going to go on to school, and then I will have daddy, you know, take you, or I'll come back and get you. You may not go with us. And he looked at me just, like, horrified that I was literally going to lay down the line. Right. And not take him with me. But I did. And so we got our things together. I explained to the friend, you know, he'll be coming along later, and let's Go get in the car. And off we went. And as I turn around, I just say to my son, I love you. And that's sometimes the most important script to say in the heat of those moments. Because even when we are giving them that discipline or that loving correction, we're following through on the consequence. Like, we cannot have this really disruptive situation, very disobedient, and then immediately give you a reward. There will be a consequence for that. You will miss out on this opportunity. I love you too much to let you go down a wrong path.

[Wendy Speake]

I would love to and say this did not come out of Amber's mouth naturally.

[Amber Leah]

No. Nor did you take credit.

[Wendy Speake]

I would say supernaturally, yes, with the power of the Holy Spirit helping her. But what I mean by that, is she prepared. When my child does wrong, I'm not going to follow on the heels of it with an immediate blessing. When something like this, you don't know the specifics, but it happens enough to know that it happens when it happens. I'm prepared now to say, hey, that blessing we're about to all do, we can't do that.

[Amber Leah]

And there's a time for grace. Actually, there have been times when my child's disobeyed and I actually do take them to get the donut. And in that moment, I say to them, this is one of those occasions when I want you to know that this is unconditional love. Grace is something you don't deserve.

[Jim Daly]

You deserve this, but we're deserving this.

[Amber Leah]

You're deserving this, but you get this. But it's always, I love you.

[Jim Daly]

That's really good. You know when you're saying that, what's so interesting to me, it's like when we sit with marriage counselors, they always say it, right? You know, the marriage counselor says, you know, Jim, what you should say in that moment is, gene, I hear you. I really understand your heart right now. And I can only apologize for the insensitive words that I've said. But that's not what you're thinking in the middle of the battle. You know what I mean? And so it is preparing what you said, I just want to punch that.

[Wendy Speake]

I love that. Because that counselor that gave you that really good true wisdom, all the bad stories, right, has probably lived their own bad stories. And they sat down and they wrote down, they prepared. What's a better response? And sometimes we need to not parent in the problem. If we're not ready for a better response, we need to say, hey, kiddo, can you just go hang out in your room for a little bit. I'm gonna go hang out in mine. I wanna circle back with you. Cause we need to talk, but I'm not ready with the right response.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, let's look at the comparison culture that is created now. Social media, you know, that's a whole nother discussion about what age do we give our kids their phone. And we're not here to talk about that. We've got many programs that you can look up, get the app and you can look those up. A whole program devoted just to that theme. But in that environment, our kids can really get into that comparison thing and then begin to want this or ask you about this, et cetera. How do you manage that? And how can parents instill a heart of contentment, especially with social media?

[Wendy Speake]

Today, my dad had a saying that I hated, but now that I've written a book with Amber called Parenting Scripts, what I realize is it was his shortest, pithiest script with me, and it was tough beans.

[Jim Daly]

Tough beans, yeah.

[Wendy Speake]

But he would usually. And we put in our book, here's a long script. Like this is pretty much the lecture version that they're gonna zone out for. So at some point, you might wanna have this conversation with your kids. And then here's the shorter version. But when it comes to all my friends are on social media and I, you know, I don't have it, or all my friends have Snapchat and you won't let me have it. And all my friends have this, and you won't let me have it. We've already done the long lecture. We've already done the explaining. We've already done the loving. We've already done the message. At some point, it's got to be, hey, buddy. God in his wisdom, thought it was a good idea to give me you as your mom.

[Jim Daly]

You may not like that right now.

[Wendy Speake]

This is the choice I made, whether you like it or not or agree or not. And that's really my script. And I've used it. I used it this week with my youngest son. I said, whether you like it or not, whether you agree with it or not, this is the consequence. Your dad and I decided, yeah, yeah. And so that can be the answer for social media. And tough beans was my dad's way of saying it. This is my way of saying it. Whether you like it or not, whether you agree or not.

[Jim Daly]

I thought you were gonna say, because I told you so. It's probably not a good one.

[Wendy Speake]

Tough beans, buddy.

[Jim Daly]

Tough beans is a better way of saying it.

[Wendy Speake]

And it Never felt mean from my dad because we already had the longer explanation and relationship. We have a history relationship. Yes.

[John Fuller]

Okay, so we need a script for the parent who's thinking, that's great. My child just sits around my teenager. And I've noticed certainly there's a do I have to? Kind of mentality. Like, it'll take you all of 30 seconds. Is there a reason you can't? But that doesn't work. So give me a script for motivating a child.

[Amber Leah]

One thing I tell my boys, too, is, you don't have to do this. You get to do this. And I apply that to myself all the time. Because there are certain things as parents we have to do that we may not really want to do. And if we are in that place mentally and emotionally and even spiritually, like, what are you talking about, Amber? Like, you get to do the hard parenting. This is actually a gift. Like, what does the Bible tell me? Like, it says that children are a gift. Right. They're a reward.

[Jim Daly]

That's good.

[Amber Leah]

And so to lovingly remind my child, you know, no, you don't have to mow the lawn, but you get to. And what do you think that's gonna do for your dad? So it's asking better questions, allowing them again to reflect instead of getting mad at them and saying, you know what? I do so much for you.

[Wendy Speake]

The natural response, how are you being.

[Amber Leah]

Lazy and not getting up and doing the lawn and da, da, da.

[Wendy Speake]

After all I do for you.

[Amber Leah]

Yeah, after all I do for you. And instead it's just going, I wonder how it will make your dad feel to know that you followed through on that. And I wonder how you'll feel afterwards. Oh, that's good that you get to do that. And to again, caus them to reflect, because otherwise they're going to be distracted. They just have a reason to get mad at me instead of thinking about what's the result.

[Jim Daly]

So you both have boys. And, you know, again, there's a girl version of this, and maybe we can get there before the end of today. But with the boys, the thing that I recognize, you know, especially when they're younger, they're best friends now, which is so much fun to watch. But when they're younger, they could go at it. I remember Troy punching Trent, and he had a loose tooth, and he pulled his fist back, and his tooth was embedded in his knuckles. I mean, they were like 8 and 10.

[Amber Leah]

Wow.

[Jim Daly]

So, I mean, Troy showed me. I went, dude. Cause Troy's a much smaller guy than Trent, and I Was like, way to go. Maybe not the right. Maybe not the right parent.

[Amber Leah]

Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

Jean's like, what? She's doing the cut off. You know, But I mean, that reasonable brotherly brawl did happen over Legos or whatever it was. What script when you have that kind of physical confrontation going on?

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah, good question. You know, so many of the confrontations, I would say we all have a story or two of it exploding bigger. Like the tooth embedded in the knuckle. Okay. I don't know if we all have a tooth embedded in the knuckle story, but we all have a. Okay, that one was like the biggest brawl, but I would say we all have the. I woke up and already they were going at it down the hall.

[Jim Daly]

Right.

[Wendy Speake]

Like you're still wiping the sleep from your own eyes. And they've been at it for a while.

[Jim Daly]

They got the last bowl of Captain Crunch.

[Wendy Speake]

I didn't even have time in the word yet to get my heart happy in the Lord before having to deal with this fight. So I think it's. In one of the opening chapters of Triggers, Amber introduces this idea of mom as coach. And I run with that idea in this example in our Parenting Scripts book, which is if you can join them at the fight without joining them in the fight, you can be a coach on the outside of the boxing ring. So if you know at least the form of a boxing ring, the coach is not in there with them.

[Jim Daly]

Right. They're outside the ring, not the ref.

[Wendy Speake]

The coach is on the outside in the corner. And that, number one, don't we want our kids to know we're in their corner?

[Jim Daly]

Sure.

[Wendy Speake]

Two, what's our job is to call them to their corner and say, ding, ding, ding. Everybody to your corner here. And then what do they do? Do they just lay into the fact they are fighting? No. Fighters gonna fight sometimes. But mothers and fathers, it's not our job to fight our kids. Fight for our kids. Coach them in how to fight well. And I don't mean how to give a good left hook. I mean how to fight emotionally well, how to struggle well rather than struggle. Wrong. And so we wanna lean over the ropes metaphorically. And sometimes that means you guys are struggling. And I don't wanna try to figure it out with you while you're all amped up.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[Wendy Speake]

So ding, ding, ding. Everyone to your corners. Might mean, let's take a break in our rooms. You don't even have to think of this as a timeout. I mean, yeah, time out, but play Legos, read a book, play your guitar. But do it separately, but bring down your heightened state. And then let's have a conversation about how you're gonna deal with this problem better. I'll coach you through it. Or maybe you just needed me to coach you into your corners. And you guys have what it takes to figure this out.

[Amber Leah]

And that's good for girls too, because, like, so I taught middle school and high school for 10 years and so dealt with a lot of boys and a lot of girls. And there's. With the girls, there's a lot of drama of words. Right? Like, it's a lot of emotion, it's a lot of words. There's a lot of height things going on. If I can be a little stereotypical, I will say that. I mean, I live in a testosterone home. It's a little different vibe.

[Wendy Speake]

I think it's okay to be generalizing a little bit because we just generalized. With a tooth and an ankle.

[Amber Leah]

Exactly. But with the girls, you know, there's all these words and all these emotions. And so what I remind myself, and I wanna remind our listeners too, is that ultimately the war is not with your person. The battle is not flesh. You know, your daughter's standing in front of you and you feel like the battle is between you and her, and it is not. The battle is in the spir realm. And that is where we actually take up the fight. You know, to Wende's point. Yes, we need to cool down. I love that. Ding, ding, ding. You know, go to your corners for a minute. We gotta just like, have some space here so that we can all, you know, think for a minute. But then there's also just that reminder that the battle is really the Lord's. And the battle ultimately is in that spiritual realm. I don't want to fight with my child. I want to fight for them through prayer, through using these scripts that are rooted in scripture, through being calm myself and modeling what I mean to say instead of saying the mean thing or the ineffective thing. That's not working.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's so good. We're right at the end. We've scratched the surface. We're going to come back next time, continue the discussion, and, you know, I hope this is helping you again. Like I said at the beginning, I wished I would have had this kind of resource to get me through some of my parenting dilemmas. I think Gene would say the same thing. So let me just pause and say, Focus on the Family is a Christian ministry that is here to help you and your family. And we depend on your generous financial gifts to Equip parents with biblical resources because we know strong marriages and families are the bedrock of a healthy and flourishing society. That's the way God designed it. But we can't do it without you. The last time we spoke with Amber and Wendy, we received a letter from a mom who routinely berated her daughter for never listening. She said, I felt like the worst parent on earth and I'm so glad I I got to hear your broadcast. I know I'm not the only parent that's struggling. I made a donation of $2 because that is all I could give for now. I'd like to make some changes and I believe the book will be a blessing. Hopefully this mom can implement some of those parenting scripts that we've talked about. So if FOCUS has blessed you or you'd like to see our work continue to bless future generations, please consider making a generous gift of any amount and consider making that gift on a monthly bas. If you do, we'd love to send a copy of Amber and Wendy's great book, Parenting Scripts as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and helping others. It's a great way to partner together. And let me remind you, we have something called Age and Stage E newsletter. So you go in, you can sign up for that content and we will ask for your kids birthdays and we'll send you an initial overview for the year of what you're going to experience in the twos or the Eights or the 13s. Every week we'll send you something to help you in that parenting journey. And it's a great thing. And I'm sure we're incorporating some of Wendy and Amber's great content into that. But sign up for it. It's absolutely free. We're just here to help you do that parenting job better. No greater resource than parenting scripts by our wonderful guests. And just get on with doing the parenting job as best as you can.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, we're here to help. And you can find all the details about the agent Stage E newsletter in this terrific book, Parenting Scripts. When what you're saying isn't working, say something new and so much more at our website. The link is in the show notes or call 1-800-the letter A in the word family.

[Jim Daly]

Amber and Wendy, let's come back next time and keep the conversation going. Okay?

[Amber Leah]

Yeah, we'd love to.

[Jim Daly]

Okay.

[John Fuller]

And thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we continue the conversation next time and once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Jean Daly]

If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.