Transcript
Dr. Ken Wilgus (0:00)
Help show kids the importance of marriage, family and faith in Christ. Support Focus on the Family as we
John Fuller (0:06)
launch the animated film Adventures in Journey into the impossible. Over 9,000 children each year make decisions for Christ after listening to Adventures in Odyssey. And you can help by donating to the film's launch. There's a dollar for dollar match until May 1st. Your gift will be doubled when you give. Today. Simply go to Focusonthefamily.com Impossible. Today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, Dr. Ken Wilgess shares encouragement for couples.
Dr. Ken Wilgus (0:43)
Just hug each other for a minimum of six seconds six times a day and feel the tiny static electricity that is there. Feel the awkwardness that is there. Whatever it is, you can't just hug. You'll feel something and it's that connection or the tension in that connection.
John Fuller (1:02)
Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.
Jim Daly (1:05)
We have a unique take on communication in marriage today from Dr. Ken Wilgus. He'll explain how men and women process information differently. And he'll also remind us that there's something very special about being married. There's a spiritual unity that occurs, right? And pain in marriage is often caused by denial, denying that spiritual connection and singles, stay with us. There's some great encouragement for you as well. Toward the end of Ken's talk. Dr. Ken is a licensed psychologist who specializes in couples therapy and family therapy, especially for parents and teenagers. And we've had him on the broadcast half a dozen times in the past talking about how to help teens become competent adults.
John Fuller (1:48)
His insights are so good. And Here now is Dr. Ken Wilgess speaking to our staff on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Dr. Ken Wilgus (1:58)
It was 10 years ago. I remember this. I was standing in an Apple Store and ordering an iPhone and this cool, you know, the genius bar guy that knows everything and saying now when you come back in two weeks to pick up your phone, I won't be here, but you can get it from somebody else. He said, I'm getting married. And I said, dude, that is great. Marriage is great. And he stopped and looked at me, stunned. And he said, really? Thank you. No one that I know thinks I should be getting married. Everyone's asking me, why are you getting married? That was 10 years ago. And you people know that that's only grown. The question of why should I get married and what is this about? Is only getting more and more. And I understand that. However, if there is a point or any advantage in a culture that is growing darker, it does give us a chance as Christians to really ask and drill Down. Why do we get married? What is marriage really about? We cannot afford to show marriages that are just socially appropriate. Like my grandparents, my mother's parents came to Faith late and they were involved in their church. My grandmother taught Sunday school. My grandfather was the treasurer. I think it's because he didn't trust anyone else with the money. But still they were involved and they were married and they weren't going to divorce. And they didn't like each other, not even close, separate bedrooms. We heard stories of my grandfather and they'd be driving together on a trip and he'd stop for gas and he'd drive off and forget she was with him, you know. But this is Christian marriage, or at least that used to kind of pass for that. We cannot afford that anymore. The world is not going to go, wow, that's great. If we define marriage as, well, you're not supposed to get a divorce. So then what does it look like? I can figure out most anyone else's marriage except mine. There's something very intense about marriage. And I want to tell you two influences that made a big difference to me, a big difference. One of them is that I've always been interested in communication and language. You know, like one of the best speakers, the best teacher that I knew of language was Deborah Tannen, who is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University. And she talked about that. Yes, men and women vary different a great deal. Like, there's about 60% overlap in the way men and women are temperament wise. But when they communicate, there tends to be some almost subconscious agreement about the rules of communication and that are not spoken. For example, women tend to. When you're communicating, most women have a third ear for this. Wait a minute, I'm hearing the words you're saying, but does that say that you and I are close or are we distant? Are we intimate and the same? Are we far apart? It's a tendency to listen for that in relationship, but men have a tendency to listen this way more of, wait a minute. Does what you're saying mean that you think you know more than I do, or where do we fit status wise, and what are you requiring me to do? It's kind of the language of instrumental behavior, like getting stuff done. And that kind of made some sense for much of what I was seeing, but it didn't make sense for everything. And the other thing I was reading, stick with me. Here was a series delivered by Pope John Paul II called A Theology of the Body. And there's been a much writing about it. Now, St. Paul II, John Paul II, that talked about the body and our physicalness in scripture. And I have to tell you, it just blew my mind and connected things that I was seeing in relationship I had never seen before. So most people would say, if you really want to look at scripture and about marriage, probably an important, if not the most important place to start is Matthew 19. And you'll remember this part, this is focused on the family. You people know all this stuff. I'm sure you've memorized it. But Matthew 19 is when Jesus is asked by these Pharisees really tested about divorce. You remember that. And Jesus, like he has a tendency to do, completely blows their paradigm. He answers by saying, have you not read that he who created them from the beginning, made them male and female and said, therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. That's a weird mind blower for a couple of main reasons. One of the big ones is that he first is asked about the law. Isn't marriage, you know, an agreement? A legal yes. But he answers from creation. Marriage is founded not in a legal agreement, but in human. It means that marriage isn't a Christian thing. It's not even a religious thing. It's a human thing. It is how we were created. It is a fundamental aspect of, of creation. He who created them from the beginning, who was it that was created them from the beginning? Jesus. John 1 tells us this is the pre incarnate Christ is the one that created us this way. So it takes us to Genesis 2, which is that very weird story of the creation of humans. You remember that. How many humans did God create? One out of the clay or whatever. He blows life into it. Why does he create the human? To image God to be here. It's all of creation. And here is this human to be the God. Today the part of God will be played by and he makes this human. And then he says the weirdest thing. He says as the image bearer, he says, it's not good for this human to be alone. And I'll fix that problem. And remember how he fixed it. And this is really important, didn't scoop up more clay and blow life into that. He, he what he puts caused a deep sleep to come on the man, right? And while he slept, he took one of his ribs and closed up its place. And the rib the Lord had taken, he made into a woman and brought her to the man. He took the human that didn't look right as a single singular. And divides him into a male human and a female human. What was part of him is now her. And says interacting as one. That looks a little more like me. It's a very weird story. And you can even tell more because what does Adam say when the woman comes to him, is brought to him. This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. He's stunned that that's me. She is me. And that's what humanity does to look like God. Why is marriage so hard? Well, to really understand what's so hard about marriage, because you've got this man and the woman, and they are one and working in unity. You have to get to Genesis 3. Genesis 3. Another weird story. You remember, it's sin. Sin enters the world. And what was the sin? The sin was to be like God. You will eat of this fruit and your eyes will be opened. A strange way to describe becoming blind. Your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, basically making your own decisions about what's good and bad. And so they did eat. Their eyes were opened to another reality. But they didn't become like God. They just thought like God. That's the tribe we're all in. We are the creatures who think as if we are a God. And I would imagine that was fun for them for about, I don't know, 30 seconds. I don't know how long they could look around and go, you know, I don't think that tree's as good as God's own and whatever, until they look at themselves. And this is true of all of us. You know full well when you look at you, nobody likes their own body. So many of our young people don't realize that. No, it's not that. You need to get past that feeling bad about you. They need to talk to other brothers and sisters to go, oh, oh, yeah. No, no. We all hated our own body. How we see we judge ourselves. And they judged themselves. They knew they were naked, exposed, and what did they do? They sewed fig leaves together. Now, stick with me. What is it they didn't like about their body? They didn't cover. They didn't make hats and gloves. I think the King James version, they made aprons. They covered their connecting parts. Let's take the man he's now sewn away to cover himself. Who's he covering from God? Hasn't shown up in the story yet. And remember, when God shows up, you gotta run. You're a little leafing gonna help you. Who Is he covering from? He's covering from her his judgment of himself that this is not good and I need to cover that. He thinks she thinks that same thing. He assumes she is looking at him, how he looks at him. Do you follow me? And you know he wasn't paying attention because if he did he would notice that she was too busy sowing her own leaves. Who is she covering from him? She had judged herself and, and assumed he thought the same way. The man and the woman were not covering the same thing. What they felt, and this is far more than just body parts, what they felt and the shame they experienced were different kinds of shame. The man is covering his effectiveness, his strength, his man, all the things you can think of that if you think about it more to go into jokes and so forth, all about a man's defensiveness of whether he's adequate. But the woman isn't covering the same thing. She's covering a receiving a much more vulnerable, a something much more about her loveliness and her inviting. It's a whole different thing she feels. And they're covering from each other because they assume they are thinking the judgment of each other that they have for themselves and they're not the same judgment. Pain in marriage then. Pain in marriage comes from denying that you're spiritually connected. Not that you need to become spiritual. You are connected. Marriage is a three legged race and if you don't know it, you're going to just be falling all over the place and hurting yourself. You are connected. When you go through difficult times in your marriage, it's important to think about Jesus got you into this. This is his deal. What do you want from me? Why am I struggling like this?