Supporting Your Preteen's Faith Journey

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Supporting Your Preteen's Faith Journey

Podcast: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Episode Date: August 18, 2025
Guests: Tricia Goyer & Leslie Nunnery
Main Theme:
How parents can champion and nurture their preteens’ faith journeys, navigating identity, emotion, and cultural challenges from ages 9–12 with biblical wisdom, practical tactics, and authentic relationships.

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1. Navigating the Preteen Transition

• Preteens are at a pivotal stage: No longer little kids, not yet teens; stretching for independence, exploring identity, and experiencing intense emotional and cognitive shifts.
  • Jim Daly: “They’re kind of beginning to get their independence and find their way… they're trying to figure out who am I and what's my identity. So this is a time for the parents to really put the pedal down and help them to find their identity.” (01:45)
• Parent anecdotes highlight change: Guests and hosts recall shifts from sweet, affectionate children to eye rolls, reluctance for parental involvement, and new boundaries (e.g., not wanting to be dropped off at the school doors).
  • Tricia Goyer: “They go from these sweet little kids… suddenly they're rolling their eyes and… drop me off and I will walk to the front door.” (03:49)

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2. Understanding Preteen Development

Emotional & Brain Changes

• Limbic system in overdrive: Heightened emotions, reactions, and impulsivity peak while rational control (prefrontal cortex) is just beginning to develop.
  • Leslie Nunnery: “Their limbic system is responsible for the emotional charges...and it is in overdrive during this time.” (05:27)
  • Also Leslie: “Their prefrontal cortex… that really helps them… manage those emotions, manage those reactions. That's just getting started.” (05:37)
• Key insight for parents: Knowing this neurological context helps parents approach conflict with empathy and understanding versus reacting emotionally themselves.
  • Jim Daly: “Knowing it going in as a parent is really important...so you're not working out of your limbic system.” (06:14)

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3. Social Media & Cultural Pressures

Identity, Comparison, and Safety

• Social media compounds challenges: Today’s preteens face more complex social influence than previous generations.
  • Tricia Goyer: “My oldest is 36. My youngest is 14. So I feel like I've raised two different generations of children...these younger kids, even if we hold off...social media comes at 15, but we're monitoring everything...” (07:07)
• Parental strategies: Delaying social media/cell phone access as long as possible, yet recognizing that cultural exposure happens everywhere (church, co-ops, camp).
  • Jim Daly: “It's good to delay it as long as possible.” (07:37)
  • Tricia: “They never get time to escape and just really figure out who they are because they're just comparing themselves to other people.” (07:39)

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4. Building Faith & Identity

Practical Discipleship Practices

• Intentional faith-building: Model spiritual habits—Bible reading, prayer, conversations, community service.
  • Tricia Goyer: “Things we talk about are Bible reading and prayer and relationships and conversations and then community service.” (10:44)
• Overcoming ‘unworthy’ identities: Especially noted with adopted preteens, consistent exposure to God’s Word helps lay a foundation of worth, purpose, and belonging.
  • Tricia: “They had come with their identity formed that they aren't worth anything...But as we sat there and read God's word...pretty soon they started getting engaged...that God had a purpose for them, a plan for them.” (11:04)
• Real-life biblical models: Use stories from the Bible as relatable anchors for big emotions and struggles (e.g., David’s Psalms).
  • Tricia: “Relating to people in the Bible… David is so emotional...when you’re rolling your eyes and this is the worst day ever. David wrote it down. But then at the end he's like, but I will praise God.” (12:46)

Memorable Moment

• Tricia, on adopted preteens: “If we're diligent, those seeds will take root as they get older. And we've seen that in our girls’ lives.” (11:44)

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5. Emotional Health & Safe Conversation

Guilt, Pressure, and Parental Empathy

• Hard emotions surface: Preteens may express unexpected guilt, pressure to perform, or feelings of unworthiness.
  • Leslie Nunnery: “I caught [my son] red handed with something in a lie. He just broke down. I don't know why I'm so wicked and evil…” (14:05)
• Parental opportunity: Stay close, respond with compassion, create space for honest conversation.
  • Leslie: “[When we withdraw,] we’re really opening the door for someone else to speak into their life instead of taking that opportunity.” (15:44)
• Parental influence remains strong: Despite stereotypes, most teens/preteens name parents as most influential.
  • Jim Daly: "80% of children said that they're most influenced by their parents, not their friend network." (15:44)

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6. The Art of Asking Questions (Not Lectures)

Shifting Away From Lecture Mode

• Questions promote dialogue: Instead of lecturing, good questions invite deeper thought and problem-solving.
  • Tricia Goyer: “If they hear something, their emotional brain is peaked and then their thinking brain is off. So asking questions will get them in their thinking brain.” (16:41)
• Example — tough conversations:
  • Daughter claimed bisexual identity; instead of reacting harshly, Tricia asked what was prompting this feeling, which uncovered online grooming by an older teen/adult.
  • Tricia: “Instead of me just going, let's sit down with the Bible, let's talk about what God's word says… I said, why do you think that?...we started also being curious...this was the time in her life she only had her cell phone number...an older girl who was making advances on our preteen…” (17:36-18:08)
  • Memorable moment: Years later, the daughter used the same questioning, compassionate approach with her younger sibling.

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7. The Importance of the Parent-Child Relationship

• Grace over law: “Laying down the law” without relationship is less effective than connection and guidance.
  • Jim Daly: “The core thing...is relationship. I mean, that's what the Lord does with us...his relationship is what he wants. We're not going to live perfectly. He's still going to love us and guide us and correct us.” (19:41)
• Parents as authentic models: Humility in sharing mistakes fosters trust and learning; perfectionism breeds resentment or isolation.
  • Tricia Goyer (on telling her kids about her teenage abortion and pregnancy): “What kids need is our humility and hearing our mistakes. And they will know, when I'm telling you something, it's because I've been there. I understand the pain.” (24:14)
  • Memorable moment: Tricia’s daughter was later able to share her mother’s story to influence others in her youth group.

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8. Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Leslie Nunnery on parental empathy:
  “Think as parents, we need to do that with our kids as well. And so getting to know what's really going on with them during this stage of their development will help you parent them so much better.” (06:27)

• Tricia Goyer on social media pressures:
  “Everywhere they go...they never get time to escape and just really figure out who they are because they're just comparing themselves to other people.” (07:39)

• Leslie Nunnery on performance vs. grace:
  “Our kids...becoming aware of people outside of themselves...struggle with such guilt...I was able to...reassure him of my love, his place in our family, and most importantly, that he is fearfully and wonderfully made and that God knows and loves him.” (14:05)

• Jim Daly on questions vs. lectures:
  “What is effective is questions. So elaborate on the art and the skill of developing good questions for your kids.” (16:34)

• Tricia Goyer on authenticity:
  “Because she heard my story, even though it was easy to share, she was able to share with other people…” (24:13)

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9. Key Takeaways for Parents

• Expect emotional volatility and identity searching during the preteen years—it’s a natural developmental stage.
• Build spiritual habits early; Bible reading and prayer can make a profound difference, even if they resist at first.
• Delay and monitor social media, but recognize cultural messages will reach kids; be proactive, not fearful.
• Stay in relationship, model humility, and make your parenting home a safe place for honest discussion.
• Ask questions more than you lecture; this keeps communication open and helps kids process rather than shut down.
• Your influence as a parent is greater than you think—use it wisely, with love and authenticity.

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For further resources, the podcast recommends the book Faith That Sticks: Five Real Ways to Disciple Your Preteen by Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery, and Focus on the Family’s ‘Age and Stage’ newsletter.

Transcript

[Jim Daly]

God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising starting September 5th and find out how you can be a part of the change and become an agent of restoration. Sign [e-mail] that's truthrising.com I thought I used to worry when my kids were.

[Tricia Goyer]

Little and then I had teenagers.

[Leslie Nunnery]

Oh my. I never realized how annoying I was until I gave birth to a mini.

[Tricia Goyer]

Me and started arguing with her as a preteen.

[Jim Daly]

The scariest part of raising teens is.

[Tricia Goyer]

Remembering all the dumb things I did at that age.

[John Fuller]

Well, every parent of a teenager can probably relate to those comments. And if you've got a preteen growing up in your family, get ready. Welcome to FOCUS on the FAMILY with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller and we're so glad you've joined us today.

[Jim Daly]

You know, John, we have so much great content for parents of littles, parents of preteens, parents of teens, and man, there is some good stuff. But it takes a little bit of getting used to in that parenting role to know where to go. What do I do? I mean, it's preteens are a tough moment.

[John Fuller]

There are challenges around every corner, it seems.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. I remember first day of school. What was your first day of school like? Were you gung ho as a kindergartener? I wouldn't go. I didn't want to go.

[John Fuller]

What was the reluctance?

[Jim Daly]

Well, I just, I liked home.

[Tricia Goyer]

Okay.

[John Fuller]

Well, I was a firstborn who wanted to go out into the world and conquer the little mat. And the chocolate milk we had.

[Jim Daly]

You liked the chocolate milk?

[John Fuller]

I did, yeah.

[Jim Daly]

Well, we haven't talked a lot about those in between kids, but we're going to do that today. The 9 to 12 year old space. They're not little kids anymore. They're kind of beginning to get their independence and find their way. And you know, a lot of parents, it's time to buckle up because the teens are around the corner and they're really gonna stretch the independence at that point. But it's a good thing. It's a God given thing and they're trying to figure out who am I and what's my identity. So this is a time for the parents to really put the pedal down and help them to find their identity.

[John Fuller]

And we have two great guests to help us do that today. Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery have a lot of experience between the two. Tricia has been on this program a number of times. She's a speaker and and podcast host and has 10 kids. So Tricia has raised several preteens along the way. She speaks with experience and authority. And Leslie is also an author and a speaker and is the co founder of Teach Them Diligently which provides gospel centered homeschooling events and resources and has four children. And together these ladies have written a book that is so good. It's got lots of great insights. It's called Faith that five Real Life Ways to Disciple youe Preteen. And we've got copies of that book, of course, here at the ministry. Just stop by the show notes for all the details.

[Jim Daly]

Tricia, welcome back. And Leslie, welcome for the first time.

[Leslie Nunnery]

Well, thank you so much.

[Tricia Goyer]

Thank you for having us.

[Jim Daly]

Good to have you here. Okay, let's get right into it. Preteen. It's kind of the eye rolling moment of parenting where the kids are going, whatever. I remember Troy, he wasn't doing this disrespectfully because he was being kind of playful when he did it. I said, hey, can you get the garbage and take it out? He goes for those on YouTube, you can see it's like the W with your fingers and then E, whatever. And I was like, yeah, that's not gonna fly.

[Tricia Goyer]

Little bit of edit. But it is.

[Jim Daly]

I mean, it was done and fun and I loved it. But this is the point where you get the snorts and the grunts and the. Right.

[Tricia Goyer]

Absolutely. And they go from like sometimes these sweet little kids that love being around you and just want you to read stories to them and suddenly they're rolling their eyes and you don't know what you're talking about and you're not cool anymore and drop me off and I will walk to the front door because they don't want you to get too close to the building. So people will see you.

[Jim Daly]

Drop me off a block from school.

[Tricia Goyer]

Or a block from wherever, youth group, wherever they're at now.

[Jim Daly]

I would be the parent to go, oh, okay. Boom. Right up to the curb, beeping the.

[Tricia Goyer]

Horn, windshield wipers on it depends on the day. Sometimes I'm like rolling down the window, bye, honey, I love you.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, I mean, that's part of it. A lot of growth happens during those pretty teen years. I mean those. It is a transition phase. I remember, you know, this maybe a little off balance. That's where you notice your first chest hair. Maybe something weird is happening to your body. It's the start of becoming a young adult.

[Tricia Goyer]

Right.

[Jim Daly]

Describe what's going on for these 9 to 12 year olds.

[Leslie Nunnery]

Oh, there is. There is so much development that's going on at this time. And a lot of it is not really what us as parents would expect. We talk a lot about the hormones and the body changes and stuff like that, but the most impactful part of their development during this time is actually what's going on in their brain. They have two really important things happening. Number one, their limbic system, which, you know, everyone knows about the limbic system, right?

[Jim Daly]

Yes, absolutely. I'm not even gonna guess.

[Leslie Nunnery]

The limbic system is responsible for the emotional charges that they get, the reactions. And like all of this stuff that's in the.

[Jim Daly]

That thing's in overdrive.

[Leslie Nunnery]

It is in overdrive during this time. So you've got that happening. But then their prefrontal cortex, part of their brain, that really helps them.

[Jim Daly]

Judgment.

[Leslie Nunnery]

Yeah, judgment. Manage those emotions, manage those reactions. That's just getting started. And it won't be developed until they're in their 20s. So you've got the limbic ramping up. So you've got high emotions, anger. You know, you've seen it. We see what's going on with the limbic system, but we don't see anything happening with the rationale, the judgment that's not coming along yet. So we see this in our kids. And it really, I think, makes a lot of parents very fearful because you don't know what has eaten this sweet little child and turned them into this really reactionary preteen.

[Jim Daly]

That's a good observation. But knowing it going in as a parent is really important to know that these are the things that are gonna be happening and be ready for it. So you're not working out of your limbic system.

[Leslie Nunnery]

Well, exactly. This was the one thing that I really wish that I had known when my kids were younger, because I feel like, you know, in First Peter 3, where it tells husbands to live with wives with understanding. Think as parents, we need to do that with our kids as well. And so getting to know what's really going on with them during this stage of their development will help you parent them so much better.

[Jim Daly]

That's good. Now, on top of that, let's throw in social media just for fun. Tricia, this is such a, you know, it's probably the number one parenting issue that we get contacted here at Focus on the Family to get input on. How do you manage that as a parent? What are your observations?

[Tricia Goyer]

It's so difficult because My oldest is 36. My youngest is 14. So I feel like I've raised two different generations of children. So the first set, they were finally kind of getting into my space. But it was very. You're kind of on it, but it wasn't controlling your life. You weren't aware of everyone all the time. And these younger kids, even if we hold off, so they can't even get cell phones until they're 14, and they can only communicate with us. Social media comes at 15, but we're monitoring everything, and that's just choices for our family. Every family has different choices, but everybody.

[Jim Daly]

It's good to delay it as long as possible.

[Tricia Goyer]

Absolutely. Everywhere they go, whether it's at church, at camp, at homeschool co ops, people are just so connected on social media or with cell phones or with texting that they never get time to escape and just really figure out who they are because they're just comparing themselves to other people. And then there's predators and all those types of things. And so it's really hard. And this generation truly is harder than even the previous generation. I know, because I've had kids in both. And I really am sympathetic for today's parents who are trying to juggle all this.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, this idea of identity is so critical. I mean, as Christians, that's one of the core things in preteen and certainly teen, they're developing a sense of identity, who they are, what they believe, et cetera. The goal for us as Christian parents, obviously, is to pass that faith on to the next generation, but these core things are being developed. Your daughter, I think as a preteen, had a volleyball experience. What happened with that?

[Leslie Nunnery]

Yeah, my youngest daughter actually has taught me a lot through the years, but she had a lot of benefits of being the youngest of four. So she got to learn all the things much earlier. And so by the time she was playing volleyball in sixth, seventh, eighth grade in that middle school era, she was way ahead of where everyone else was and got all these. The accolades and all the, you know, cheers and that sort of thing. And that really, I didn't realize it at the time until we talked when she was a little older, but that had become just very much her identity. That's how she saw herself. And she will tell you now that had become an idol to her. That was all she cared about. And one day towards the middle of the season, they were doing warmups. It was just a freak accident. She broke her finger and. And was out for the rest of that season. And, I mean, she was devastated just Absolutely devastated. And it was largely because, as she told me later on, she didn't know who she was going to be if she couldn't be out there on the volleyball court. And she's, in hindsight, she was very grateful for that because that broke that that wasn't her identity anymore. She had to figure out who she really was. And she realized through all of that, again to her own, this is her own testimony that I'm sharing. She realized who she was in Christ instead of just looking at who she was on the court. And God used that to teach her a pretty amazing lesson as a seventh grader. But that's really indicative of how easy it is to get wrapped up in what others see of you and what others think of you during that time. Because that's really all you've got.

[Jim Daly]

You know, you've written the book now, faith that sticks. So parents are going, okay, how do you make it stick in that regard, Tricia? I mean, in those areas of identity, what are some things you can do to say, okay, this will help my child better understand why they were created? And you begin planting those seeds at about that age because they're cognitively capable of understanding these things now.

[Tricia Goyer]

And that's the important part when we need to take time for these things. And things we talk about are Bible reading and prayer and relationships and conversations and then community service. And some of our kids we adopted as preteens, so one was 11, and then we had 13 year old twins and a 15 year old. So we were getting them from their identity of first being in foster care, then unworthy, unworthy. And they had had a failed adoption right before us. And you know, then all of a sudden, homeschooling, mom, we're going to sit around and read the Bible and they're like, what are you doing? But they had come kind of with their identity formed that they aren't worth anything, that people have passed them over again and again. And as we sat there and read God's word and at first they would, I'm like, just put your heads down. You just have to listen, you don't have to interact. Pretty soon they started getting engaged with God' Word and realizing that God had a purpose for them, a plan for them. And it was so amazing to see that God's word was that seed that really made them see who they are and how important they are. They were in the bigger plan of things. And I think so many times we think during the age they don't want to, they don't want to sit there and do family devotions. They don't want to sit there and do a Bible study or pray with their family. This is so dumb. Why would I have to do this? But if we're diligent, those seeds will take root as they get older. And we've seen that in our girls lives.

[Jim Daly]

Wow, that's a great concept. Read the word over your kids, you know, and it doesn't have to be in a tough way. Troy, my youngest, is still into it. I mean, we could say, hey, you want to just read the Word tonight? And we're right now going through Galatians, but he's really into it. Trent, a little more active. Yeah, yeah. Maybe later, Dad. I mean, you know, so just kind of the two different perspectives, but as a parent, just. I mean, because it is so good for them to hear that identity, especially those areas of the New Testament where God is speaking love over them and his unconditional love for them. I mean, what preteen teen doesn't want to hear that God really unconditionally loves.

[Tricia Goyer]

Me and relating to people in the Bible? So we were reading through the Psalms and you know, David is so emotional. I am but a worm, not a man. And I am quite emotional. And I'm like, see, he's emo too. Like, look, it's just like you guys, when you're rolling your eyes and this is the worst day ever. David wrote it down. But then at the end he's like, but I will praise God. And they would just laugh. And so kind of seeing that people in the Bible were real, their emotions were real. They don't have to hide their emotions. They're going to be emotional, but they can also see that God is there and they can turn to him. Even though I feel like I'm in the darkest pit right now, which some of them battled depression, I mean, there's so many things in their past they can still turn to God.

[Jim Daly]

Leslie, in fact, you shared a story about your son having kind of an emotional moment as a preteen where he felt a lot of. I think Troy had that moment as well where he thought he could only make A's. And I remember just saying to him, you know, it's okay if you don't make an A. And he just, he exhaled and said, really? I went, oh, of course. I mean, we want to aim for doing great work. But if you get a B or C, I mean, I get it and we'll work together to strengthen that. But, you know, let's just don't feel you have to do that. And it really, you know, changed his perspective in the area of stress.

[Leslie Nunnery]

Yeah, well, you know, our kids, like we were talking about earlier, there's so much changing. They are becoming aware of people outside of themselves, which, you know, they really didn't have that kind of awareness when they were much younger. And so, yeah, when I saw a lot with my boys, I think I just wasn't expecting the emotions that pour out of preteen boys because I've never was one, didn't have a brother, so that kind of shocked me more. But yeah, there was one time when my son, I caught him red handed with something in a lie. He just broke down. I don't know why I'm so wicked and evil and just, you know, so just the guilt. And so many parents talk about how their preteens struggle with such guilt. And it really just broke my heart. And I was able to sit down and talk to him at the time about just different things that were going on inside of him and how Jesus loves him anyway and, and I thought as I walked away from there how grateful I am that I was the one who was able in his emotional state when he was so unsettled and so vulnerable. I was able to get in closer to him, wrap my arms around him, reassure him of my love, his place in our family, and most importantly, that he is fearfully and wonderfully made and that God knows and loves him. So when parents withdraw during this stage of their kid's life because of all the things we talked about earlier, you, the kids don't want us around and blah, blah, blah, when we withdraw, we're really opening the door for someone else to speak into their life instead of taking that opportunity that God has given us and using that platform which is so powerful in this stage.

[Jim Daly]

Tricia, let me ask you this. I saw a survey a while back. It said that 80% of children said that they're most influenced by their parents, not their friend network. You would think it'd be the opposite. 20% of parents would have that position. But 80% of teens and preteens said parents had the most influence in their life. That's a great thing, but like you said a moment ago, it's intimidating. And Tricia, you mentioned in the book how critical it is to ask questions, not lecture. For some reason, when they're 4, 5, 6, we do get into the lecture mode and we delay getting out of that mode too long sometimes. And it's the old Charlie Brown. What kids hear is wa, wa Wa.

[John Fuller]

Wa.

[Jim Daly]

And what is effective is questions. So elaborate on the art and the skill of developing good questions for your kids.

[Tricia Goyer]

And I think when we see stuff up, we will freak out. We will think we need to give them the lecture, the information. And first of all, they're feeling unsure. If they hear something, their emotional brain is peaked and then their thinking brain is off. So asking questions will get them in their thinking brain. But we had experience with one of our daughters came up, we were just in the kitchen, I was cooking. And she goes, I think I'm bisexual. And I said, no, you're not.

[Jim Daly]

Wow. You gotta be on your toes.

[Tricia Goyer]

Yeah, exactly. Well, with all of them, they're just gonna come up with stuff and you just have to be prepared.

[Jim Daly]

Especially today.

[Tricia Goyer]

Especially today. And I said, no, you're not. She goes, well, why do you say that? I said, you talk about cute boys all the time, but this is where it turns around. Instead of me just going, let's sit down with the Bible, let's talk about what God's word says. Let's talk about identity. I said, why do you think that? And she goes, well, I think girls are pretty. I'm like, all girls think girls are pretty. You go to some church and you see someone's hair and dress, you're like, she looks pretty today. It doesn't mean you have to be sexually attracted to them.

[Jim Daly]

Right.

[Tricia Goyer]

But then, you know, so is anything going on? Are people talking to you? We started digging into it and this was the time in her life she only had her cell phone number. She didn't have social media. Only her cell phone number was available to family members. Well, they had a older sister that had an age out of foster care that we did not adopt. So she was already adult when we adopted her fourth sib. And that sister had her number. Well, that sister had given her number to an older girl who was making advances on our pre teen, kind of.

[Jim Daly]

Grooming her, grooming her.

[Tricia Goyer]

And because I was not sitting down lecturing her, don't do this. I started asking questions. We started also being curious about why is she saying this now?

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, just came out of nowhere.

[Tricia Goyer]

It's very uncharacteristic. And so then we found a thank you for this. All the software that shows you what's on your kids phones, we found these conversations. We were able to let her know we're gonna call the police. I mean we're gonna, you know, get, this is an adult 19 year old grooming. She was 15 at the time. And you know, we were able to talk to our daughter about what was appropriate. And years later, she thanked us for that. I mean, at the time, she's upset, you're looking at my phone. But I think she was also relief there. And also years later, when one of her younger sisters said, I think I'm bisexual, she turned around. She was in the front seat, turned around and goes, no, you're not. You think voice. She was repeating what I had said. Right. And so I think so many times we immediately, I mean, our chest tightens up, we freeze, we're worried, we're thinking worst case scenarios 20 years from now, all the things. And instead, just in the moment, what is going on. And asking questions can help us dig deeper into what's really going on with our kids. Maybe they're seeing something on TV or social media or from school. One of our other daughters had a distant family member said, you should be a lesbian because it's really fun. And you know, and she says, another, another middle schooler and. But my daughter came and told us so. They're getting stuff even from people we think are safe or family members or that would be looking out for protecting them.

[Jim Daly]

But what you're describing in the bigger context is how to have a relationship with your preteen. That becomes the critical part of that. You know, in some Christian, particularly Christian parents are going to say, I'm laying the law down. It's black and white. As long as you're under my roof, you know all the cliches. But I'm telling you, the core thing in all of that is relationship. I mean, that's what the Lord does with us. And for us, his relationship is what he wants. We're not going to live perfectly. He's still going to love us and guide us and correct us. And we have to have that similar attitude in our parenting, I believe. And so the key to that is maintaining that relationship. And I love your response so quick. No, you're not. I mean, that's just such a right parenting thing to say. And then help them better understand what they're going through. And I think that the bigger question here is just being a sponge. They're so influenced by everything and everybody that they need that reassurance of what am I and who am I again? And we could be too flippant as parents not to realize this is formulation time. They're trying to figure that out. Tricia, you mention in the book that parents need to be humble and authentic about their mistakes. Now this can be really hard and you've got to Be wise as to what you're saying, at what time you don't want to say to a four year old, you know, this is how he stumbled as a teenager. But give us some examples of how you can do that effectively as a parent. In some ways, you're earning their trust because you're being real. I think so many contacts we get here at Focus, the Christian Home. Again, we're trying to be perfect and kids struggle with that. They know in their heart they're not perfect. Right. And yet.

[Tricia Goyer]

And they know we know.

[Leslie Nunnery]

They know for sure.

[Jim Daly]

There's nothing like the walls of the family. Everybody knows everybody and they know your weaknesses as well. But speak to that idea of authenticity as a parent so that the children can see that and say, okay, I need to be like that.

[Tricia Goyer]

And it's so hard sharing our mistakes. I was sexually active as a teen. I had an abortion when I was 15, which is something I really regret. That's powerful. And then my son, I had him when I was 17, my oldest son. So they knew pretty much when they're younger, like, wait, why is Corey in your wedding photo? You know, because he was a baby when I ended up marrying the pastor's son after I rededicated my life to God, which I love that God brought me John, after my boyfriend was gone. So they knew kind of that I had Corey as a teenager.

[Jim Daly]

Did you share this with them as preteens?

[Tricia Goyer]

I had to because, yeah, they were asking questions. They were asking questions. We had a wedding photo. Corey was in it. Why is our older brother in your wedding photo?

[Jim Daly]

So how did you turn what I, you know, I'll gently call your mistakes into teachable moments that they then begin to share with others.

[Tricia Goyer]

Absolutely. Yeah. So. But the abortion part was harder. But I helped start a crisis pregnancy center in Kalispell, Montana, when we lived up there. And I was going to be speaking in front of our church and my kids were all preaching, like right around the preteen age. And I knew everyone at church was going to be hearing this. I don't want them to hear from someone else that I had an abortion. They knew about the teen pregnancy. So on the way to church, this is like me waiting till the last minute. Like, I don't want to have to tell them this. This is what I'm going to be talking about today. I probably even had to describe what abortion was and that I really regretted my mistakes, that I know God has forgiven me. And they were so like, mommy, I'm so sorry. We love you. And they were so tender with me because I was humble. And I'm like, you know, when we don't have God in our lives, we kind of make these mistakes. And I'm so thankful that God has forgiven me. And then later, because they were with me at the crisis pregnancy centers, they were with me as I was mentoring teen moms that they understood the value of serving those so they will not make the choice of abortion. And later, I remember coming back from one event, our youth pastor said, you, daughter, tonight was at a youth gathering. And all these teens were like, I'm pro choice and everyone has a choice. And my daughter started just with a small group, said, let me tell you about my mom's story. And pretty soon the whole room of 30 people are sitting there listening to her tell about my pain and regret and shame of all these years. And then they're like, I never thought about that before. So because she heard my story, even though it was easy to share, she was able to share with other people kind of my experiences.

[Jim Daly]

That's powerful.

[Tricia Goyer]

Yeah. What kids need is our humility and hearing our mistakes. And they will know, when I'm telling you something, it's because I've been there. I understand the pain. Not that you're gonna always make the right decisions, but if I can help you make better decisions, then that's what I want to do.

[John Fuller]

Well, that's how we concluded our conversation with Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, and Jim, I think we got some great ideas about parenting preteens from our guests today.

[Jim Daly]

Absolutely we did. And here's the message for moms and dads. Buckle up. This is an exciting time for you and your family, and we want to equip you to parent those kids well. And we've got this great book from Tricia and Leslie, Faith that Sticks. Five Real Ways to Disciple youe Preteen. And if you can send a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today, we'll get the book out to you right away as our way of saying thank you for partnering with us in ministry. We've also got our age and stage resources, which is a wonderful way for you to connect with Focus. You simply enter in your contact details, the ages of your children, and we're going to send you weekly updates and emails that are relevant to parenting that age of your child, and that'll take you from 0 to 18. And it's probably one of the best things that we're doing here at Focus on the Family to help you as a parent. And it's completely free.

[John Fuller]

That's right. And you can sign up for the free agent stage E newsletter. We've got the details in the show notes or give us a call if you'd like. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family.

[Jim Daly]

And let me add we've mentioned this a few times here in August as we close our fiscal year, the summer months tend to be a bit lean financially and we could really use your support right now as we end that budget year. Our research shows that only 1% of the listeners and viewers of the program have donated to the ministry. And thanks to your generosity for that 1%, we've been able to impact more than 660,000 parents with resources and practical help for their kids. But there's so much more we could do together and I want to invite you to help us move that needle up to 2 or 3% or even more. Please consider a generous gift. A one time gift is great or you can sign up monthly but help us help others. Let's do this for the Kingdom of Christ.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. Your donation today can be made over the phone. 800, the letter A in the word family. That's 800-232-6459 or it's pretty easy to donate online and we've got the link in the show notes. Well, coming up tomorrow, a really powerful testimony from Sheila Walsh.

[Tricia Goyer]

He said, sheila, the shepherd knows where to find you. And that one moment began the most amazing adventure of my life of discovering the love of God is never based on our performance. It is based on the finished work of Christ.

[John Fuller]

Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time at. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Leslie Nunnery]

Your marriage can be redeemed. Even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in years. No matter how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a Hope Restored Marriage Intensive. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.