Podcast Summary: Supporting Your Preteen's Faith Journey

Podcast: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Episode Date: August 18, 2025
Guests: Tricia Goyer & Leslie Nunnery
Main Theme:
How parents can champion and nurture their preteens’ faith journeys, navigating identity, emotion, and cultural challenges from ages 9–12 with biblical wisdom, practical tactics, and authentic relationships.

1. Navigating the Preteen Transition

• Preteens are at a pivotal stage: No longer little kids, not yet teens; stretching for independence, exploring identity, and experiencing intense emotional and cognitive shifts.
  • Jim Daly: “They’re kind of beginning to get their independence and find their way… they're trying to figure out who am I and what's my identity. So this is a time for the parents to really put the pedal down and help them to find their identity.” (01:45)
• Parent anecdotes highlight change: Guests and hosts recall shifts from sweet, affectionate children to eye rolls, reluctance for parental involvement, and new boundaries (e.g., not wanting to be dropped off at the school doors).
  • Tricia Goyer: “They go from these sweet little kids… suddenly they're rolling their eyes and… drop me off and I will walk to the front door.” (03:49)

2. Understanding Preteen Development

Emotional & Brain Changes

• Limbic system in overdrive: Heightened emotions, reactions, and impulsivity peak while rational control (prefrontal cortex) is just beginning to develop.
  • Leslie Nunnery: “Their limbic system is responsible for the emotional charges...and it is in overdrive during this time.” (05:27)
  • Also Leslie: “Their prefrontal cortex… that really helps them… manage those emotions, manage those reactions. That's just getting started.” (05:37)
• Key insight for parents: Knowing this neurological context helps parents approach conflict with empathy and understanding versus reacting emotionally themselves.
  • Jim Daly: “Knowing it going in as a parent is really important...so you're not working out of your limbic system.” (06:14)

3. Social Media & Cultural Pressures

Identity, Comparison, and Safety

• Social media compounds challenges: Today’s preteens face more complex social influence than previous generations.
  • Tricia Goyer: “My oldest is 36. My youngest is 14. So I feel like I've raised two different generations of children...these younger kids, even if we hold off...social media comes at 15, but we're monitoring everything...” (07:07)
• Parental strategies: Delaying social media/cell phone access as long as possible, yet recognizing that cultural exposure happens everywhere (church, co-ops, camp).
  • Jim Daly: “It's good to delay it as long as possible.” (07:37)
  • Tricia: “They never get time to escape and just really figure out who they are because they're just comparing themselves to other people.” (07:39)

4. Building Faith & Identity

Practical Discipleship Practices

• Intentional faith-building: Model spiritual habits—Bible reading, prayer, conversations, community service.
  • Tricia Goyer: “Things we talk about are Bible reading and prayer and relationships and conversations and then community service.” (10:44)
• Overcoming ‘unworthy’ identities: Especially noted with adopted preteens, consistent exposure to God’s Word helps lay a foundation of worth, purpose, and belonging.
  • Tricia: “They had come with their identity formed that they aren't worth anything...But as we sat there and read God's word...pretty soon they started getting engaged...that God had a purpose for them, a plan for them.” (11:04)
• Real-life biblical models: Use stories from the Bible as relatable anchors for big emotions and struggles (e.g., David’s Psalms).
  • Tricia: “Relating to people in the Bible… David is so emotional...when you’re rolling your eyes and this is the worst day ever. David wrote it down. But then at the end he's like, but I will praise God.” (12:46)

Memorable Moment

• Tricia, on adopted preteens: “If we're diligent, those seeds will take root as they get older. And we've seen that in our girls’ lives.” (11:44)

5. Emotional Health & Safe Conversation

Guilt, Pressure, and Parental Empathy

• Hard emotions surface: Preteens may express unexpected guilt, pressure to perform, or feelings of unworthiness.
  • Leslie Nunnery: “I caught [my son] red handed with something in a lie. He just broke down. I don't know why I'm so wicked and evil…” (14:05)
• Parental opportunity: Stay close, respond with compassion, create space for honest conversation.
  • Leslie: “[When we withdraw,] we’re really opening the door for someone else to speak into their life instead of taking that opportunity.” (15:44)
• Parental influence remains strong: Despite stereotypes, most teens/preteens name parents as most influential.
  • Jim Daly: "80% of children said that they're most influenced by their parents, not their friend network." (15:44)

6. The Art of Asking Questions (Not Lectures)

Shifting Away From Lecture Mode

• Questions promote dialogue: Instead of lecturing, good questions invite deeper thought and problem-solving.
  • Tricia Goyer: “If they hear something, their emotional brain is peaked and then their thinking brain is off. So asking questions will get them in their thinking brain.” (16:41)
• Example — tough conversations:
  • Daughter claimed bisexual identity; instead of reacting harshly, Tricia asked what was prompting this feeling, which uncovered online grooming by an older teen/adult.
  • Tricia: “Instead of me just going, let's sit down with the Bible, let's talk about what God's word says… I said, why do you think that?...we started also being curious...this was the time in her life she only had her cell phone number...an older girl who was making advances on our preteen…” (17:36-18:08)
  • Memorable moment: Years later, the daughter used the same questioning, compassionate approach with her younger sibling.

7. The Importance of the Parent-Child Relationship

• Grace over law: “Laying down the law” without relationship is less effective than connection and guidance.
  • Jim Daly: “The core thing...is relationship. I mean, that's what the Lord does with us...his relationship is what he wants. We're not going to live perfectly. He's still going to love us and guide us and correct us.” (19:41)
• Parents as authentic models: Humility in sharing mistakes fosters trust and learning; perfectionism breeds resentment or isolation.
  • Tricia Goyer (on telling her kids about her teenage abortion and pregnancy): “What kids need is our humility and hearing our mistakes. And they will know, when I'm telling you something, it's because I've been there. I understand the pain.” (24:14)
  • Memorable moment: Tricia’s daughter was later able to share her mother’s story to influence others in her youth group.

8. Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Leslie Nunnery on parental empathy:
  “Think as parents, we need to do that with our kids as well. And so getting to know what's really going on with them during this stage of their development will help you parent them so much better.” (06:27)

• Tricia Goyer on social media pressures:
  “Everywhere they go...they never get time to escape and just really figure out who they are because they're just comparing themselves to other people.” (07:39)

• Leslie Nunnery on performance vs. grace:
  “Our kids...becoming aware of people outside of themselves...struggle with such guilt...I was able to...reassure him of my love, his place in our family, and most importantly, that he is fearfully and wonderfully made and that God knows and loves him.” (14:05)

• Jim Daly on questions vs. lectures:
  “What is effective is questions. So elaborate on the art and the skill of developing good questions for your kids.” (16:34)

• Tricia Goyer on authenticity:
  “Because she heard my story, even though it was easy to share, she was able to share with other people…” (24:13)

9. Key Takeaways for Parents

• Expect emotional volatility and identity searching during the preteen years—it’s a natural developmental stage.
• Build spiritual habits early; Bible reading and prayer can make a profound difference, even if they resist at first.
• Delay and monitor social media, but recognize cultural messages will reach kids; be proactive, not fearful.
• Stay in relationship, model humility, and make your parenting home a safe place for honest discussion.
• Ask questions more than you lecture; this keeps communication open and helps kids process rather than shut down.
• Your influence as a parent is greater than you think—use it wisely, with love and authenticity.

For further resources, the podcast recommends the book Faith That Sticks: Five Real Ways to Disciple Your Preteen by Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery, and Focus on the Family’s ‘Age and Stage’ newsletter.