Forever35 Podcast Episode 342: Raising the Friendship Bar with Dr. Marisa Franco
Release Date: March 3, 2025
Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
In the latest episode of Forever35, hosts Doree Shafrir and Elise Hu delve deep into the intricacies of modern friendships with renowned friendship expert, Dr. Marisa Franco. This episode, part of their Friendship Month series, offers listeners a comprehensive exploration of building and maintaining meaningful connections in an increasingly complex social landscape.
1. Wrapping Up Friendship Month
Timestamp [00:57] - [08:17]
As Friendship Month draws to a close, Doree and Elise reflect on the insights gained from previous episodes and share personal anecdotes about applying these lessons in their own lives.
-
Doree Shafrir shares her experience attending a surprise birthday party for an acquaintance, highlighting the challenges of RSVP etiquette in large gatherings. She muses, “I was like, do I need to arrive at 7 on the dot? If I get there at 7:05, am I going to ruin the surprise? Like, what is my window here?” ([02:58]).
-
Elise Hu echoes similar sentiments, admitting her struggle with forgetting to respond to invitations after initially showing interest: “I feel like I am guilty of opening things and forgetting that I ever opened it” ([05:55]).
The hosts emphasize the importance of making consistent efforts to nurture friendships, inspired by the lessons from their Friendship Month series.
2. Introducing Dr. Marisa Franco
Timestamp [09:12] - [14:35]
Dr. Marisa Franco, a professor at the University of Maryland and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, returns to the show. She is celebrated for her expertise in connection science and her contributions to major publications like Psychology Today, The New York Times, and Vice.
Elise Hu introduces Dr. Franco, stating, “She writes about friendship for Psychology Today and has been a featured connection expert for major publications like The New York Times, the Telegraph, and Vice” ([09:14]).
3. Self-Care Practices: Embracing Mental Pain
Timestamp [14:37] - [16:09]
Dr. Franco discusses her evolving self-care practices, particularly focusing on acknowledging and processing mental pain.
-
Dr. Marisa Franco explains, “The self-care practice has been spending a lot of time with my pain. Like mental pain. Like, oh, if I'm upset or sad, like closing my eyes and like what does that feel in my body? Tracking it as it moves through my body” ([14:56]).
-
She emphasizes the transformative power of this practice: “It has been life-changing… I'm making space for it” ([15:37]).
Elise Hu relates, mentioning her own journey in embracing discomfort: “I really struggled with that as well until my mid-30s” ([15:21]).
4. Navigating Friendships in a Tense Climate
Timestamp [16:09] - [18:02]
The conversation shifts to the challenges of forming and maintaining friendships amidst societal fears and stresses.
-
Dr. Franco addresses the current psychological climate: “Prejudice and bigotry have become part of the public psyche even more” ([17:27]).
-
She underscores the duality of community needs: “Turning towards it can be a great place of hope” ([17:27]).
5. Friendships Among Older Adults: Raising the Bar
Timestamp [18:02] - [23:25]
Dr. Franco explores how friendships evolve as we age, particularly beyond the age of 60.
-
Dr. Franco asserts, “Friendship is over at 55,” challenging the notion that it's too late to form new connections ([18:03]).
-
She explains that as people age, they tend to prioritize quality over quantity: “We raise the bar for friendship… focus on quality over Quantity” ([18:06]).
-
Sharing a personal story, Dr. Franco recounts resolving a conflict with her best friend, emphasizing the importance of addressing issues head-on to foster deeper intimacy: “Conflict that feels like an act of love” ([20:57]).
6. Handling Economic Imbalances in Friendships
Timestamp [30:47] - [31:13]
Addressing financial disparities, Dr. Franco advises flexibility and creativity in shared activities:
-
“What are some things that you like to do that maybe are more affordable for your friend?” she suggests, encouraging activities like picnics or free museum visits ([31:13]).
-
She emphasizes seeing beyond economic differences: “Friendship is more than the totality of expensive activities” ([31:31]).
7. Rekindling Old Friendships: Overcoming the 'What If'
Timestamp [37:22] - [39:12]
Dr. Franco offers strategies for reconnecting with old friends, tackling the common regret of missed opportunities:
-
She reassures listeners that most friendships fade naturally, not out of animosity: “The number one reason friendships end is because they fade” ([37:58]).
-
Practical advice includes sharing a cherished memory to reignite the connection: “I was just thinking about that time we went to that awesome book talk… and it made me want to reach out to you” ([37:58]).
Elise Hu shares a personal anecdote about inadvertently triggering a friend's past trauma, highlighting the importance of addressing and understanding personal triggers to strengthen relationships:
- “I didn't realize that I was stepping on a live wire… it was very instructive” ([27:49]).
8. Dealing with Personal Baggage for Richer Relationships
Timestamp [33:53] - [35:21]
Dr. Franco delves into the significance of confronting personal 'shadow' aspects to enhance friendships:
-
“We perceive reality through the lens of our memories. If I've been rejected in the past, I'll perceive new interactions through that same lens” ([33:53]).
-
She explains how unprocessed experiences can distort current relationships, advocating for revisiting and healing past traumas to foster healthier connections: “Unless you revisit those experiences and clean them out a little bit” ([35:21]).
9. The Power of Under Sociality and Active Connection
Timestamp [35:26] - [37:22]
Introducing the concept of "under sociality," Dr. Franco highlights how individuals often underestimate the positive impact their actions have on others:
-
“When strangers interact and report how much they like each other, they underestimate how liked they are” ([35:39]).
-
She encourages a mindset shift: “Instead of thinking about how will that friend see it, ask how you would see it if they reached out” ([36:00]).
This perspective fosters a more accurate and generous view of interpersonal interactions, reducing fears of overstepping boundaries.
10. Building and Integrating Community into Daily Life
Timestamp [41:43] - [42:28]
Dr. Franco shares her initiatives to create community spaces and integrate connection into everyday activities:
-
She describes organizing social events that prioritize belonging and affirmation: “We start with an icebreaker and end by affirming something someone else has said” ([42:28]).
-
Emphasizing the foundational role of connection, she states, “Connection is just underneath everything” ([42:28]).
11. Final Thoughts and Takeaways
Timestamp [43:47] - [44:22]
Before concluding, Dr. Franco provides resources for listeners to further explore her work:
- Dr. Marisa Franco invites listeners to visit her Instagram and website for tips on connection science and offers a quiz to assess friendship strengths and weaknesses ([44:00]).
Conclusion
Episode 342 of Forever35 offers a profound exploration of friendship dynamics, enriched by Dr. Marisa Franco's expertise. From addressing personal growth and conflict resolution to rekindling old bonds and building community, the episode equips listeners with actionable insights to elevate their friendships. Through heartfelt discussions and relatable stories, Doree and Elise underscore the vital role of connections in fostering a fulfilling life.
Notable Quotes:
-
Dr. Marisa Franco: “Conflict that feels like an act of love” ([20:57]).
-
Doree Shafrir: “I like this person. We just aren't super close” ([02:49]).
-
Elise Hu: “I have zero blisters on my toes. And that's because I wear Bombus” ([13:39]).
Whether you're navigating the complexities of adult friendships or seeking to deepen existing connections, this episode provides invaluable guidance for cultivating a supportive and enriching social network.