Podcast Summary: Forever35 - Episode 362: To Know A Relaxed Woman with Nicola Jane Hobbs
Release Date: July 28, 2025
Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Guest: Nicola Jane Hobbs
Description: In this episode, co-hosts Doree Shafrir and Elise Hu delve into the concept of the "Relaxed Woman" with author and psychologist Nicola Jane Hobbs. They explore the societal pressures women face, the importance of relaxation, and practical steps towards cultivating a more relaxed and empowered life.
Introduction
The episode begins with a brief introduction of the show's format, distinguishing between full-length Monday episodes and mini Wednesday episodes. Elise Hu welcomes both new and returning listeners, setting a warm and inclusive tone for the discussion.
Guest Introduction: Nicola Jane Hobbs
Doree Shafrir formally introduces Nicola Jane Hobbs, highlighting her viral Instagram post that sparked conversations about the lack of "relaxed women" in societal narratives. Nicola's book, The Relaxed Woman: Reclaim, Rest, and Live an Empowered, Joy-Filled Life, is discussed as a continuation of her mission to redefine relaxation for women.
- Nicola Jane Hobbs: "The relaxed woman is a woman who is free. Free to rest, free to cry, free to make mistakes and ask for help…" [16:03]
Self-Care Practices: Slowing Down
The conversation kicks off with a discussion about personal self-care practices. Nicola emphasizes the importance of slowing down in various aspects of daily life, from routine chores to mental processes.
- Nicola Jane Hobbs: "Everything from how quickly I do the washing up to when I'm walking to even... slowing down thinking, slowing down breathing." [14:56]
Defining the "Relaxed Woman"
Elise Hu prompts Nicola to articulate the essence of a "Relaxed Woman," leading to a profound definition that transcends conventional notions of relaxation associated with spas and wellness products.
- Nicola Jane Hobbs: "The relaxed woman is a woman who is free... to trust herself, to care for herself, to be herself." [16:03]
Nicola explains that this definition emerged from her observations and research as a psychologist, noting that many women equate their worth with productivity, leading to guilt when resting.
Understanding Stress: Generalized Unsafety Theory of Stress (GUTS)
Nicola introduces the Generalized Unsafety Theory of Stress (GUTS), which posits that humans are in a constant state of stress unless they perceive safety. This contrasts with traditional stress theories that focus on specific threats triggering the stress response.
- Nicola Jane Hobbs: "Our stress response is always switched on unless we feel safe and then it switches off." [21:12]
This theory underscores the need to increase sources of safety in our lives to facilitate genuine relaxation.
Recognizing and Overcoming 'Shoulds'
The hosts discuss the pervasive "shoulds" ingrained in societal expectations, which hinder women from embracing relaxation without guilt. Nicola suggests that shame is a key indicator of living by these internalized rules.
- Nicola Jane Hobbs: "If we're experiencing a lot of shame, then that shame points away that we're living by shoulds." [19:44]
The Importance of Community and Relationships
Nicola emphasizes that becoming a relaxed woman is not an isolated journey. Building and nurturing relationships provide the support necessary to feel safe and reduce feelings of aloneness.
- Nicola Jane Hobbs: "We can only trust that we can rest and that it's safe to rest if there are people there who can carry the mental load for us." [33:18]
This communal approach fosters a culture where relaxation is valued and supported collectively.
Practical Steps: The Journey to Becoming a Relaxed Woman
Nicola outlines a neurosequential journey inspired by Bruce Perry, which includes:
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Restoration of Inner Resources: Engaging in various forms of rest, not limited to sleep. This involves integrating comfort into daily life without significant time investment.
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Regulating the Nervous System: Establishing rhythms and practices that signal safety to the nervous system, such as rhythmic walking or music.
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Nurturing Relationships: Building secure attachments and community support systems.
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Releasing Limiting Beliefs: Letting go of internalized "shoulds" and unworthy feelings.
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Realizing Dreams: Pursuing meaningful goals that align with personal values.
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Joining the Relaxed Revolution: Advocating for and embodying a culture of relaxation and empowerment.
- Nicola Jane Hobbs: "This isn't a to-do list that we can complete. It's more like we are on this journey together forever." [26:31]
Role Modeling and Social Impact
The discussion highlights the significance of role modeling in changing societal norms. By embracing relaxation, women can inspire others and challenge the stigmatization of rest as laziness.
- Nicola Jane Hobbs: "If I relax, it gives other women permission to do the same." [36:20]
This ripple effect contributes to a broader cultural shift towards valuing rest and well-being.
Hosts' Personal Intentions
Doree and Elise share their personal intentions related to the theme of the episode, fostering a sense of community and shared journey among listeners.
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Elise Hu: "My intention was to get dressed every day, which helped me start my mornings with a more put-together look." [43:26]
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Doree Shafrier: "I want to have a fun weekend with my tennis team, focusing on enjoyment rather than winning." [42:30]
Conclusion
The episode wraps up with gratitude towards Patreon supporters and a heartfelt acknowledgment of Nicola's insights. The hosts reinforce the episode's theme by reflecting on the calming influence of their conversation with Nicola.
- Elise Hu: "Jillian Bowman, Brianne Macy, Elizabeth Holland..." [45:06] (Acknowledgment of Patreon supporters)
Key Takeaways:
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Redefining Relaxation: Moving beyond traditional notions of relaxation to embrace a holistic, value-driven approach.
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Understanding Stress: Recognizing that constant stress is a default state can shift the focus towards creating safety and moments of peace.
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Community Support: Building strong relationships is essential for individual and collective relaxation and empowerment.
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Practical Steps: Incorporating small, sustainable practices can lead to significant changes in one's ability to relax and live authentically.
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Cultural Shift: Advocating for societal changes that prioritize rest and well-being over relentless productivity.
Notable Quotes:
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Nicola Jane Hobbs: "Our stress response is always switched on unless we feel safe and then it switches off." [21:12]
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Nicola Jane Hobbs: "The relaxed woman is a woman who is free... to trust herself, to care for herself, to be herself." [16:03]
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Nicola Jane Hobbs: "If we don't talk about it, then it kind of doesn't matter and it gets pushed to the side." [41:39]
Resources:
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Nicola Jane Hobbs on Social Media: @nicolajanehobbs
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Book: The Relaxed Woman: Reclaim, Rest, and Live an Empowered, Joy-Filled Life by Nicola Jane Hobbs
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Website: therelaxedwoman.com
Connect with Forever35:
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Website: forever35podcast.com
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Instagram: @forever35podcast
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Patreon: patreon.com/forever35
This episode of Forever35 provides invaluable insights into the societal pressures impeding women's ability to relax and offers actionable strategies to cultivate a more restful and empowered life. Nicola Jane Hobbs' expertise and compassionate approach serve as a guiding light for listeners seeking to redefine relaxation on their own terms.