Forever35, Episode 372: Digging Into Family Dynamics with Sue Dominus
October 6, 2025
Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Guest: Sue Dominus (NYT writer; author of "The Family Dynamic: A Journey into the Mystery of Sibling Success")

Episode Overview

This episode of Forever35 centers on family dynamics—specifically the impact of siblings on personal growth, the nuances of birth order, and how much parents really influence their children's future. Hosts Doree Shafrir and Elise Hu are joined by Pulitzer-winning journalist Sue Dominus, whose new book examines the role of siblings in shaping who we become. The conversation delves into Sue’s research, anecdotes, and advice for parents—debunking myths, normalizing parental self-forgiveness, and highlighting both the profound and everyday effects of sibling relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sue Dominus’s Self-Care Ritual

[11:02-11:55]

• Sue shares her morning ritual: making coffee, donning an "And Just Like That"-inspired kimono, and tending to her garden.
• “It makes me excited to get up in the morning and that is huge.” (Sue Dominus, [11:55])

2. Sibling Influence and the Power of Birth Order

[01:37–14:23]

• The hosts share their sibling compositions and musings on gender, age differences, and "roles" within their own families.
• Sue recounts how her older brother, six years her senior, played a pivotal role in setting her on the path to journalism. He urged her to revive her high school newspaper—something neither parent would have suggested nor she would have obeyed had it come from them.
• “I think sibling advice can be really powerful and heard in a way that—especially for adolescents—parental advice is often not heard.” (Sue Dominus, [14:17])

3. Family Role Assignments: The Blessing and the Trap of "Typecasting"

[23:21–27:59]

• Discussion about how family roles ("the smart one," "the athletic one") are assigned, and how those labels shape the paths siblings choose.
  • Evolutionary biologists suggest "niche finding" among siblings reduces conflict.
  • There is research suggesting oldest children tend to have the highest IQ; younger children are overrepresented in sports.
• “Even when they [the eldest] don’t, parents tend to think the oldest child does have the highest IQ. Why? Because they’re the oldest—they always do seem to be the farthest along and parents think they can correct for that age discrepancy. But they can’t.” (Sue Dominus, [25:56])

4. The Myth and Reality of the Middle Child

[27:59–29:52]

• Contrary to folklore, research does not support consistent personality differences for middle children.
• Impact comes more from the family's changing economic circumstances than strict birth order.
  • “What really affects families and how siblings’ outcomes differ is not so much birth order as the economics of the family... it’s about where you are in the musical chairs of your family’s finances.” (Sue Dominus, [28:51])

5. Parental Influence: Less Than We Think

[29:52–44:20]

• Societal and economic contexts matter more than individual parenting styles.
• “Economic systems have much more effect on families than parenting does. Parenting operates within an economic structure.” (Sue Dominus, [29:58])
• Parental over-involvement (e.g., jumping in to solve children’s problems) can be demotivating.
• “The struggle to let your kids struggle is real—and I think letting your kid work it out... can start really young and trickles with older kids into not being enmeshed in their achievements.” (Sue Dominus, [35:05])
• Key advice: Outsource discipline, create a loving home, expose kids to possibilities, and then “get out of the way” when they find their passions.
• Relatable anecdote: Diane Paulus’s mother watched performances “without desire”—demonstrating a supportive but non-interfering presence ([37:53]).

6. Sibling Support Versus Parental Support

[21:11–23:21]

• Sibling advice is uniquely valuable because it’s “dispassionate” and rooted in shared context.
• “Parents can dote, but siblings see you dispassionately. Siblings are often better at giving practical, real-world advice.” (Sue Dominus, referencing her own book, [21:27])

7. Parental Self-Forgiveness and Limits of Influence

[42:09–44:20]

• The hosts celebrate Sue’s central reassuring message: Parenting matters, but it’s not determinative.
• “Parental effects are much smaller than we think they are... It’s not all determining the way I think that we really kind of think that it is.” (Sue Dominus, [43:13])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “He kind of bullied me into doing it actually. But he knew me well enough to know it was exactly the right thing for me to be doing.” — Sue Dominus on her brother’s influence, [13:32]
• “When parents intervene in something that young children are trying to do, it’s just incredibly demotivating.” — Sue Dominus, [35:13]
• “Parenting advice should come with a warning, which is: Don’t try this at home.” — Sue Dominus, [26:22]
• “If anything, I would have done much better to be... more laid back... I didn’t jump in so quickly to try to solve someone’s anxiety...” — Sue Dominus, [35:22]
• “Nurture is not just parenting. It’s the entire environment—it’s the neighborhood, it’s the political environment, it’s the weather they grow up in. It’s the millions of tiny, idiosyncratic things that happen to them every day.” — Sue Dominus, [43:40]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [11:02] Sue’s self-care morning ritual
• [12:56] How Sue’s brother shaped her career
• [17:36] Early fascination with family dynamics & friend’s literary family
• [21:27] The unique value of sibling advice
• [23:21] Family roles, typecasting, and niche-finding among siblings
• [24:55] Oldest child “mythology” and academic performance
• [27:59] The myth of the "middle child" and the real impact of economics
• [35:05] Autonomy in parenting: let kids struggle, step back, and observe
• [39:58] Children choosing different paths than their parents for autonomy
• [42:09] Most reassuring takeaway: parenting’s limits and setting parents free

Final Thoughts and Takeaways

• Parenting matters, but not as much—or as detrimentally—as we fear. The context children grow up in, their siblings, and external circumstances all exert enormous influence.
• Letting children find their own way, struggle, and develop autonomy—not micromanaging or seeking personal validation through their achievements—is repeatedly shown to be beneficial.
• Siblings can provide a unique, practical, and deeply contextual support system as children and beyond.

For parents and anyone curious about family influence, this episode is both reassuring and thought-provoking, dismantling both the guilt and the myths around birth order, achievement, and the everyday moments that shape us.

Where to Find Sue Dominus

• Instagram: @suedominus
• Facebook: Susan Dominus
• Twitter/X: @susandominus
• Writes for: The New York Times

"The Family Dynamic: A Journey into the Mystery of Sibling Success" by Sue Dominus is available now.

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