Forever35, Episode 384: "Righteous Anger and Weaponized Incompetence with Laura Danger"

Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Guest: Laura Danger (Domestic Equity Advocate & Author)
Air Date: January 12, 2026

Episode Overview

In this insightful and candid episode, Doree and Elise welcome domestic equity advocate, educator, and author Laura Danger to discuss the dynamics of equitable partnerships, the pitfalls of weaponized incompetence, and how we can collectively support healthier relationships and communities. The conversation ranges from the deeply personal—habits, sleep, hydration, family life—to the societal, examining how cultural narratives and social media reinforce inequities in domestic labor and partnership roles.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Self-Care Practices, Habits & The Year Ahead

(Timestamps: 02:01–11:31)

• Personal Habits Check-In:

  • Doree and Elise reflect on habits that, if changed, could have a positive impact on their lives.

  • Doree wishes to reduce “iPad in bed” time, realizing late-night screen exposure may harm sleep and mental health.

  • Elise wants to focus on proper hydration, noting she tends to drink tea—but not enough water.

    "When I do wake up in the middle of the night, instead of just trying to go back to sleep, I will usually read or scroll for an hour or two. I think it would be a lot better for my sleep and my mental health if I did not do that." – Doree (05:39)

• Relational Reflection:

  • The hosts swap New Year's reflection questions, such as “What gave you energy? What drained it?”
  • The importance of routines and approaching self-care with mindfulness underscores the episode's tone.

2. Introducing Laura Danger: Journey & Passion for Domestic Equity

(13:10–15:43)

• Laura’s Self-Care:

  • Laura shares her morning walking practice, emphasizing how living in a walkable community boosts family well-being.

    "My husband and I go on, if it's nice out, like a mile and a half walk every morning. And if it’s rainy, we’ll just do some blocks." – Laura (13:32)

• Background:

  • Laura describes her path from classroom teacher to advocate. Burnout from both motherhood and teaching during the pandemic catalyzed her pivot to focusing on domestic equity.

  • Observing persistent undervaluing of care work (both at home and in the classroom)—especially during the COVID closures—spurred her advocacy and eventual book writing.

    “It was such, like, a terrible revelation of how undervalued all of that work was. I was really rock bottom. I was like, something's gotta give, and if I'm gonna survive this, I've gotta take a huge risk here and I've gotta, like, burn it all down.” – Laura (17:27)

3. Weaponized Incompetence: Definition & Manifestations

(18:12–23:06)

• Defining the Term:

  • Laura identifies weaponized incompetence as “doing a bad job on purpose to shield yourself against accountability”—a tactic to get out of responsibilities and force someone else to overcompensate.

    “Doing a bad job on purpose to get out of something, to force other people to do something for you... It puts the other party, puts someone else, in a position of having to over-function.” – Laura (19:56)

  • She notes it's a dynamic of power and accountability, often gendered and sometimes racialized.

  • Common at home (the “helpless dad” trope) and in workplaces (the dreaded group project scenario).

    “We're socially conditioned to... not see men as capable or competent at home. We think it’s funny when they’re not. That’s what all of these viral videos and these hashtag couples comedy tropes really reinforce.” – Laura (21:02)

4. Tackling Weaponized Incompetence at Home & Work

(23:14–29:05)

• Changing Ourselves vs. Changing Others:

  • Laura emphasizes self-responsibility: if you spot weaponized incompetence in yourself, acknowledge and work on it.

  • If a partner is engaging in it, Laura is clear: you can't force them to change; they have to want to. Consider your own boundaries and safety.

    “If you have named it and you have told the person who is doing it that it is causing harm and it continues to happen— it is costing you something— that is an abusive, corrosive, harmful behavior.” – Laura (26:30)

• Leaving or Accepting the Relationship:

  • Many women have left partnerships after realizing the persistent nature of this inequity; others remain for practical reasons but shift toward acceptance and personal safety planning.

    "I have had people approach me... be like, 'Oh my gosh, I really appreciate you talking about this. I thought I was crazy.'" – Laura (28:04)

5. Setting Up Healthy Dynamics in New Relationships

(29:05–30:30)

• Preventative Measures:

  • Early explicit communication about invisible labor and clear division of labor is critical.

  • Laura encourages new partners to proactively discuss and detail out what “equitable partnership” means, including financial and parenting specifics.

    “There has to be more imagining, visualizing, really being explicit about what you mean by an equal partnership.” – Laura (30:18)

6. The Need for Cultural and Systemic Change

(30:30–34:38)

• Overfunctioning & Systemic Issues:

  • Elise and Laura discuss how society conditions women (especially mothers) to overfunction and hold everything together, often to their own detriment.

    “As mothers, we’re expected to hold up the entire world, hold things together and be the stopgap when there is no child care... It’s like systemic weaponized incompetence.” – Laura (31:41)

• Community as Solution:

  • Laura advocates for “no more mediocre” not just in our partnerships, but in our communities. She draws inspiration from indigenous and communal care models—embracing interdependence, not just nuclear family self-sufficiency.

    “Every little thing that we do to really show up for our neighbors is... intimately interwoven with the division of labor in our marriages or in our partnerships or who we're cohabitating with... Valuing quality connections and showing up for each other.” – Laura (34:16)

7. Role of Social Media in Changing Narratives

(34:39–37:50)

• Pros & Cons of Social Platforms:

  • Laura discusses how TikTok’s algorithms both validated and amplified these conversations, allowing for real-time camaraderie and connection.

    “It felt like everyone is going, yes. Oh my God, yes. Oh, thank you for saying that. I needed that to be validated for me…” – Laura (35:07)

  • Warns of potential pitfalls: rage-bait, black-and-white thinking, and the danger of conflating social media takes with real-life nuances.

    “Sometimes when you are too online and too scrolling and too activated, it can kind of cloud the actionable things that you do outside of your online life.” – Laura (36:42)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Weaponized Incompetence:

  • “Doing a bad job on purpose to shield yourself against accountability.” – Laura (19:56)
  • “It puts someone else in a position of having to over function or else they face a consequence…” – Laura (19:56)

• On Power Dynamics in Care Work:

  • “It was such, like, a terrible revelation of how undervalued all of that work was. I was really rock bottom.” – Laura (17:27)

• On Leaving Relationships:

  • “If you have named it and you have told the person who is doing it that it is causing harm and it continues to happen... that is an abusive, corrosive, harmful behavior.” – Laura (26:30)

• On Community Networks:

  • “It's that, like, showing up, shoveling for your neighbor, going to the local stores, and not giving all your money away to these big corporations where possible…” – Laura (34:16)

• On Social Media Validation:

  • “It can create this really empowering space of validation... but it can also sort of hammer down this black and white thinking sometimes.” – Laura (36:55)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:01 – Show themes and personal habits
• 13:10 – Laura Danger introduces herself & self-care
• 14:34 – Laura’s journey from teacher to advocate
• 18:12 – Defining weaponized incompetence
• 21:02 – How pop culture/media reinforces these dynamics
• 23:14 – Handling weaponized incompetence if you’re the perpetrator or the recipient
• 29:05 – Building equity from the start in new relationships
• 31:41 – Women’s over-functioning and systemic issues
• 34:16 – Community and collective care as resistance
• 35:07 – Social media, validation, and the double-edged sword of algorithms
• 38:00+ – Closing reflections, intentions, and gratitude for listeners

Tone & Style

The conversation remains candid, relatable, and a mix of humorous and thought-provoking—staying true to the Forever35 brand. Both hosts and Laura blend lived experience, vulnerability, and practical advice with friendly banter.

For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode is a must-listen for anyone interested in understanding the subtle (and not so subtle) ways inequity creeps into daily life at home and work—and practical strategies for shifting those dynamics. Laura Danger brings an expert yet approachable perspective, reminding us that care is a collective responsibility and that raising the bar for our domestic lives raises the bar for society as a whole.

Follow Laura:

• Book: No More Mediocre: A Call to Reimagine Our Relationships and Demand More
• TikTok & Instagram: @thatdarnchat

Hosts:

• Doree Shafrir
• Elise Hu

Forever35:
forever35podcast.com // @forever35podcast