Podcast Summary: Forever35 - Mini-Ep 432: Your Friendship Questions with Anna Goldfarb

Release Date: February 26, 2025

Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu

Guest: Anna Goldfarb, Author of Modern Friendship

Introduction

In this special Friendship Month mini-episode of Forever35, co-hosts Doree Shafrir and Elise Hu welcome Anna Goldfarb, a friendship expert and author of Modern Friendship. Together, they delve into listeners' questions about navigating friendships in adulthood, offering insightful advice and practical strategies to foster meaningful connections.

1. Maintaining Old and Building New Friendships Amid Relocation

Listener’s Question (02:56 – 05:14): A listener, a married mother of a two-year-old, faces anxiety about maintaining long-standing friendships from Alaska while moving to Washington State. She prioritizes family and worries that focusing solely on existing relationships may lead to future loneliness.

Advice from Anna Goldfarb (05:14 – 08:14):

• Take It Slow: Friendships develop over time. "Friendships take a long time to build... focus on one or two friends at first" (05:20).

• Leverage Opportunities: With her child growing and participating in activities, she'll naturally meet new people. "This woman is going to be meeting a lot of new people" (06:00).

• Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Participate in hobbies or local events to meet like-minded individuals organically. "Lean into the things that you enjoy without thinking like, oh my gosh, I need to make friends" (07:00).

• Be Gentle and Flexible: Understand that friendships may look different with life changes. "Don't fight it. Try to surf the wave if you can" (07:30).

Notable Quote:

"Just start with a few people here and there. No need to get overwhelmed." — Anna Goldfarb (07:22)

2. Navigating One-Sided Friendships

Listener’s Question (08:28 – 10:27): A listener describes long-term friendships where she is always the one initiating contact. Despite her friends being receptive, they rarely reciprocate, leading her to question the value of these relationships.

Advice from Anna Goldfarb (10:27 – 17:16):

• Assess the Friendship's 'About': Determine if the core reasons for the friendship remain compelling for both parties. "The about needs to be clear and compelling for both people" (10:45).

• Quality of Invitations: Ensure that meet-ups are engaging and align with friends' interests. "It's not about not liking you, it's that they're not liking the invitation" (12:00).

• Communication is Key: Initiate conversations about how to balance the friendship dynamics. "Ask for feedback. Like, would you want to get together more often?" (16:00).

• Understand Life Changes: Recognize that as people grow older, their availability and priorities shift. "We're changing, we're getting older. Free time is a premium now" (14:30).

Notable Quote:

"Friendships require more than just affection to stay active." — Anna Goldfarb (12:30)

3. Handling Friendship Strain After Personal Life Twists

Listener’s Question (22:25 – 25:39): A listener shares a deep-seated issue with her best friend after discovering her biological father was not who she thought. Despite reconciling with newfound siblings, her BFF showed little interest and made hurtful comments during her turmoil, straining their once unbreakable bond.

Advice from Anna Goldfarb (25:39 – 30:26):

• Allow Yourself to Grieve: Acknowledge the pain of the changed friendship. "You need permission to grieve that this friendship isn't what you hoped it would be" (25:45).

• Set New Standards: Raise your expectations and seek friendships that meet your current emotional needs. "You need friends that care about this part of your life" (26:30).

• Open Communication: If possible, have an honest conversation about your feelings and the friendship's direction. "Talk about our friendship. We can say, ask for feedback" (16:45).

• Consider Friendship Dynamics: Reflect on whether your friend’s lack of support is part of a broader pattern of behavior. "Sometimes our friends are covert narcissists" (29:50).

Notable Quote:

"You can't beg someone to give you what you need. That's not how this works." — Anna Goldfarb (31:00)

4. Coping with Friendships Changing Due to Life’s Milestones

Listener’s Question (30:32 – 40:47): A listener with a 35-year friendship feels neglected as her BFF, now expecting a second child, fails to honor promises of celebrating her 40th birthday. She struggles with balancing her identity as single and child-free against her friend's new family-focused life.

Advice from Anna Goldfarb (30:32 – 40:47):

• Understand Life Transitions: Recognize that major life events like pregnancy can shift a friend's availability and priorities. "Friendships shift in adulthood" (31:30).

• Support Over Expectation: Focus on supporting your friend’s new life phase rather than expecting the friendship to remain unchanged. "How can I best support her?" (35:00).

• Grieve Changed Dynamics: Allow yourself to mourn the altered nature of the friendship without holding onto resentment. "Grieve that this friendship isn't what you hoped it would be" (33:00).

• Embrace Flexibility: Adapt to the evolving friendship by being open to new forms of interaction and support. "This is about being flexible" (38:00).

Notable Quote:

"It's about being flexible... You need to have friends that care about different parts of your life." — Anna Goldfarb (39:00)

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Anna Goldfarb provides thoughtful and empathetic guidance on handling the complexities of adult friendships. From managing the balance between old and new relationships during life changes to addressing one-sided dynamics and evolving friendship roles, the discussion underscores the importance of communication, flexibility, and self-compassion in maintaining meaningful connections.

Recommended Resources:

• Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb
• Anna Goldfarb’s Substack: Friendship Explained

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• "Just start with a few people here and there. No need to get overwhelmed." — Anna Goldfarb (07:22)
• "Friendships require more than just affection to stay active." — Anna Goldfarb (12:30)
• "You can't beg someone to give you what you need. That's not how this works." — Anna Goldfarb (31:00)
• "It's about being flexible... You need to have friends that care about different parts of your life." — Anna Goldfarb (39:00)

For more episodes and friendship insights, visit Forever35 on Acast.