Mini-Ep 434: How To Keep Friends and Stay Connected

Summary

Forever35 Podcast Summary: Mini-Episode 434 – How To Keep Friends and Stay Connected

Introduction

In Mini-Episode 434 of Forever35, hosts Doree Shafrir and Elise Hu delve into the intricate dynamics of maintaining friendships in the ever-evolving landscape of adult life. This episode, released on March 12, 2025, is a heartfelt exploration of listener experiences, questions, and feedback surrounding the challenges and joys of staying connected with friends amidst life's changes.

Listener Feedback and Questions

Forever35 thrives on the interaction between its hosts and listeners, and this episode is no exception. Doree and Elise engage deeply with listener contributions, addressing diverse scenarios that many face in their personal relationships.

Friendship Styles and Maintaining Connections

One of the central themes of the episode revolves around differing friendship styles and the importance of mutual effort in maintaining connections. A listener shared a poignant story about a friend who consistently reaches out, arranging walks during work breaks to ensure they connect despite busy schedules. This narrative underscores the value of proactive communication in sustaining friendships.

• Listener Commentary [17:04]:

  "I have a friend who always reaches out to me. I never reach out to her, not that I don't want to, just that life is nuts... Every time you text me about a walk, I get excited and I look forward to it."

Elise highlights how such balanced efforts can lead to enduring and fulfilling friendships, emphasizing that complementary styles often result in stronger bonds.

Handling Tension in Friendships

Another listener expressed feelings of loneliness and frustration over sporadic communication due to life’s demands, such as raising young children and personal health challenges.

• Listener Question [20:35]:

  "Maybe how to rescue a friend group when probably you can only get together once a year. Or would it be best to focus on individual friendships rather than the group?"

Doree and Elise offer empathetic advice, suggesting that sometimes focusing on individual relationships can alleviate the logistical pressures of organizing large group gatherings. They also stress the importance of expressing feelings and reaching out, noting that many listeners share similar struggles.

Maintaining Friendships Across Distances and Life Changes

The hosts discuss the nuances of maintaining friendships when friends live far apart or when life circumstances change, such as having children. Elise shares her experience with long-distance friendships, illustrating how regular check-ins, like celebrating birthdays or sending thoughtful messages, can keep connections alive despite physical distance.

• Elise’s Insight [26:07]:

  "For my friends who I haven't seen, like my Texas girls... we are so tight. And every time we're back together, it's just like we had been hanging out for a long stretch. We just pick right up."

Addressing Past Feedback

The episode revisits feedback from a previous episode featuring guest Anna Goldfarb, where some listeners felt her advice on friendship was lacking, particularly concerning friendships between parents and child-free friends.

• Listener Email [28:17]:

  "I found Anna's advice to the woman whose pregnant friend wasn't able to be there for her to be quite cruel... I feel like Anna just presupposed that she was a struggling mother who was barely keeping it together."

Doree and Elise acknowledge this feedback, recognizing the blind spots in Anna's advice and empathizing with listeners who felt misunderstood. They affirm that friendships can endure despite differing life paths and emphasize the importance of understanding and accommodating each other's circumstances.

• Doree’s Response [32:45]:

  "We understand the blind spot. We see it. Those of you who wrote in and called in are not alone."

Expert Input: Therapist Advice on Finding a Therapist

A valuable segment features advice from a listener who is a therapist, offering a comprehensive guide on selecting a therapist. This segment provides listeners with a thoughtful rubric to consider factors such as:

• Compatibility and Comfort: Ensuring you feel safe and open with the therapist.

• Demographic Alignment: Choosing a therapist who shares or understands your background.

• Specializations: Finding someone who specializes in the areas you wish to address.

• Practical Considerations: Availability, therapeutic approach, and affordability.

• Therapist’s Guidelines [33:12]:

  "Do you like them? Do you feel like you can open up to them? Do they feel safe?... Are they specializing in the thing that you want to work on?"

Elise highlights the importance of these considerations, encouraging listeners to utilize these criteria to find a suitable therapist that meets their unique needs.

Key Takeaways

1. Mutual Effort is Crucial: Successful friendships often require both parties to make consistent efforts to reach out and connect.
2. Adaptability in Communication: Adjusting how and when you communicate can help maintain bonds despite busy or changing lifestyles.
3. Individual Over Group Focus: Sometimes nurturing one-on-one relationships can be more manageable and fulfilling than maintaining large group friendships.
4. Expressing Feelings is Essential: Openly sharing your emotions and intentions with friends can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen connections.
5. Tailored Support Systems: Understanding and respecting each other’s life situations, such as parenting or career demands, is vital for sustained friendships.
6. Professional Guidance: Seeking expert advice, whether on friendships or mental health, can provide valuable strategies and support.

Conclusion

Mini-Episode 434 of Forever35 offers a rich tapestry of insights into the complexities of maintaining friendships in adulthood. Through heartfelt listener stories, candid feedback discussions, and expert advice, Doree and Elise provide a compassionate roadmap for navigating the evolving landscape of personal connections. This episode serves as a reminder that while life’s demands can strain friendships, with mutual effort, understanding, and open communication, meaningful and lasting relationships can thrive.

Notable Quotes

• Doree Shafrir [27:06]:

  "Most of the time... thank you. I'm so glad this person reached out."

• Elise Hu [26:07]:

  "We are so tight. And every time we're back together, it's just like we had been hanging out for a long stretch."

• Therapist Guest [33:12]:

  "There are so many factors that go into it and I wish everybody great luck and really encourage everyone to do it. It's so life changing and everyone deserves support."

This episode encapsulates the essence of Forever35, blending humor, self-awareness, and genuine support to navigate the intricate journey of self-care and interpersonal relationships.

Transcript

[Dory Shafrir]

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[Dory Shafrir]

Hello and welcome to Forever 35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Dory Shafrier.

[Elise Hu]

And I'm Elise Hu. And we're just two friends who like to talk a lot about serums.

[Dory Shafrir]

And this is a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts and we answer your questions to the best of our ability. But please remember we are podcast hosts. We are not experts. We always encourage you to seek support first and foremost from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.

[Elise Hu]

I love these episodes. And we have so much listener mail in the old listener mailbag this week.

[Dory Shafrir]

We do, we do. But speaking of listener mail, we are going to have Rachel Goodwin, makeup artist to the stars, back on the show soon and we would to get your questions for her. So please send Those in to Forever35podcastmail.com call or text us at 781-591-0390. You can also send in your regular questions, but we especially want your questions for Rachel. You know, she's not an esthetician, so I feel like the sort of like skin care questions are sometimes a little bit outside of her area of expertise. But anything makeup related is.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah.

[Dory Shafrir]

Fully in her wheelhouse.

[Elise Hu]

It's all so just fun to have her come back quarterly, you know, because she's always doing something interesting or out there in the world, bopping around, bopping around to fashion week and SNL. Oh, she was at SNL 50 with her gal Emma. So I'd love to hear her stories just about SNL50 and how all of that went.

[Dory Shafrir]

And then she is just end.

[Elise Hu]

So like exactly her whole award season run. Yeah, I'm sure she has lots of stories and she's just fun and she's around our age and so it's just, it's always a good time having Rachel back. We're looking forward to it.

[Dory Shafrir]

It's a good time. It is just a good time. Yeah. What's happening with you, Elise, since we last spoke?

[Elise Hu]

What's not happening? By the time this plays, I will have seen some tennis in Indian Wells. The fifth slam. They call that the fifth Slam, you know, and, or the people at the BNP Paribas Open in Indian Wells call it tennis paradise. So I should be back. When are you going paradise by, by the time this comes out, I'm going Friday. Friday. And I only have tickets for the day session. So I don't know, like which big stars and we don't know who's going to actually be playing because it depends on who's winning the previous matches on the previous day. But last year when I went, I got to catch Djokovic just before he lost to the lucky loser. So I, I got to see Djokovic, his last winning match at that tournament last year, and we had really good seats for that. And then but the girls were all way more excited to see Coco Gauff because Coco Gauff was playing in her first Indian Wells after winning the US Open in 2023. So she was on a, I think she was still ranked like world number three. And there's a lot of movement, I think, in the tennis rankings lately because the top players are either out because of potential drug infractions. Over there on the men's side with Janik sinner and then Iga Swiatek, who is the Polish, like 22 year old, 21 year old who's been world number one for so long, she's been having kind of a rockier run. So, yeah, there's some tennis happenings. I'm still documenting my teens for this fire documentary. We're still trying to sell it. And so we've been kind of pitching and. Yeah, I'm just in limbo, I think, on a lot of things.

[Dory Shafrir]

Yeah, you're waiting for people to get back to you on stuff.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah, that's always anxiety producing.

[Dory Shafrir]

Yeah, it is, it is. Because it's like, it's out of your control. You feel like you've done everything to, like make it work and all the things. Now you just have to let things play out.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah, yeah. And so much is out of our control these days. So at least we've got this. At least we have our regular check ins and then, you know, the schedule, the routine of the Monday episodes and the Wednesday episodes. And so that's actually really helped me, I think, stay centered, like, knowing I have a schedule here for this.

[Dory Shafrir]

Yeah, I feel that. I feel that limbo. It's stressful.

[Elise Hu]

How's. How's column writing? How's advice giving for Slate?

[Dory Shafrir]

It's good. It's actually really good. I feel like I'm getting into a rhythm of it and it's like coming a little more easily. I filed my column early this week, which, like, hey, I never file anything early, so. Editors, close your ears. But no, I, I think, I think I just, I was like, okay, I'm just gonna tackle this. I think I'm also just like, when there's like, sometimes I'll read these questions and I'm like, I have no idea. Like, I don't know what to tell you. And then I'm like, oh, wait, I can actually, like, ask someone who knows. Like, I talked to an employment lawyer this week and you know, like, actual expertise in these things. Because, yeah, there was a question this week where I was like, workplace harassment. And the lawyer was like, it's actually not like, oh, interesting. Well, she was like, you know, basic her. I'm, I'm paraphrasing, but she was basically like, this is a shitty situation, but, like, a court would not recognize this as workplace harassment.

[Elise Hu]

Got it.

[Dory Shafrir]

Okay. All right.

[Elise Hu]

Got it.

[Dory Shafrir]

Okay. So I'm also like learning a lot, you know, I feel like if I ever go back into an office, I will. You're gonna be better aware. Yeah, yeah, Very aware of what's, of what's going on. So. Yeah, so that is, that is going well. My husband and I are still trying to be better about sort of like checking in with each other and just like feeling like we're working towards something. I saw this. Did I, did I mentioned this on this podcast or have I just talked about it in real life? I don't even remember. It's all blending together. I saw this TikTok from this like, business school professor who was like, my, my secret to all of my success has been I do five year plans and every day I write down the three things that I've done to like work towards the five year plan. And I was like, oh my God. Like.

[Elise Hu]

See, planning that far ahead actually would just make me very despairing because I'm so worried that we're not even going to be around or like, be a democracy that far out from now. So I can't even.

[Dory Shafrir]

I have never been able to do like a five year plan. Like, that just seems so abstract to me and maybe that's why I'm flailing right now. But like, I just feel like five years, I don't know what's happening in five years. It seems so far off. And so I'm trying to just think more about the next like 6 to 12 months.

[Elise Hu]

Right. I think that's reasonable. That's reasonable. Well, and then sometimes you get hit by all these surprises. Like I'm, I was walloped with news that I didn't pay enough or like hold back enough from my freelancing last year for taxes. And then suddenly. So then you're kind of like going back in time and trying to kind of make up for things instead of go forward and plan ahead and like prepay 2025, taxes in advance. Now I'm like, oh great, I have to find more money for 2024 and all this stuff. So I, I, I like the idea of people really planning ahead. I don't think it necessarily suits everyone, but yeah, you know, six months. Six months, that sounds reasonable. Okay, but let's get to your questions and not my ongoing despair.

[Dory Shafrir]

Okay, sounds good. Before we do that, I know I mentioned our email and phone number already when I talked about Rachel Goodwin questions was just as a reminder, you can call or text us at 781-591-0390 email us at forever35podcastmail.com we also have our website forever35podcast.com. Our Instagram is forever35podcast. Our newsletter is forever35podcast.com newsletter and we have our favorite products at Shopmy us forever35. So go check those out and we will take a short break and we'll be right back.

[Elise Hu]

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[Dory Shafrir]

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[Elise Hu]

Brought to you by BetterHelp. The smartest people in the room are the people who know how and when to ask for help. As we've learned in our Friendship Month series, our support systems make our relationships stronger and build us up. Whether your therapist is part of your support system or you need help with your hyper independence or something in between, therapy could be the thing for you. If therapy has taught me anything, it's that it never hurts and actually is usually very helpful to talk things through and get some extra perspective.

[Dory Shafrir]

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[Elise Hu]

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[Dory Shafrir]

Felt limited by off the shelf hair care. It was like one or the other like color protection or volume repair or clarify. You know what I mean? Like you got one thing. I know always one thing but never like everything I needed and pros changed that. I love my pros because I could tell it like hey, I have color treated hair. It's a little dry. I'm getting older. I live in Los Angeles. We have really hard water, right? You know all of these different factors and then they put it in their algorithm and they're like and they spit out a personalized formula just for you. It's a unique blend of naturally powerful and proven effective clean ingredients carefully picked just for you from over 185 options that means a shampoo that works for your hair density, your porosity, where you work out, even the pollution where you live. Like, they ask for your zip code so they can be like, does she live in the middle of Los Angeles where there's a lot of pollution?

[Elise Hu]

Right.

[Dory Shafrir]

All to determine exactly what your hair needs to thrive. And it's all backed by clinical studies. I will say my hair has never looked healthier. Like, I'm getting, I'm getting comments about it. And I also think it's because they have given me the perfect conditioner formula that actually conditions. Yeah. But doesn't weigh my hair down and doesn't make it look greasy, which is like a holy grail, essentially. Pros also has 500,000-star product reviews. And they have the Pros promise if you don't love your first order, it's Prose is so confident that you'll love your results that they're offering an exclusive trial offer. 50 off your first hair care subscription order at Prose.com Forever35 that's P-R-O-S-E.com Forever35 for your free consultation. And 50 off your custom routine. Pros.com Forever35 all right, we are back and we got a bunch of feedback about Friendship Month. So we're going to play some of it.

[C]

Dora and E. I wanted to share something that I implemented from Friendship Month. So I have a friend who always reaches out to me. I never reach out to her. Not that I don't want to, just that life is nuts. And she always suggests to do the thing that is easiest for me on dates and times that are easiest for me, which is to go on a walk during the workday when the kids aren't around. When I have a break at work, she lives a couple box for me. We walk to a coffee shop and talk and then walk home and talk. And she even goes so far as tries to reach out to me to schedule it during the week because she knows if she does it on the weekend, I'll say, yeah, let me write myself a sticky note to look at my work calendar when I log in on Monday. And she's like, oh, I'll just reach out to you during the week so you don't have to. So you can take that step out of your to do list. Anyway, so we went on a walk yesterday and I said to her, I know you always reach out to me and I do not reach out to you, but I want to let you know that that's not because I Don't want to walk with you. Every time you text me about a walk, I get excited and I look forward to it. So please continue to do that. And don't take my lack of initiation as a lack of interest. And she was like, I'm so glad you said that, because, you know, sometimes I wonder that. And it was just such a lovely conversation, like, connected, like a ying and a yang. You know, I wouldn't have shared that with her had I not been listening to the friendship month and thinking about that unevenness. And Elise was saying, sometimes people, you connect into friend groups because you have the same. And in this case, it's actually a good fit that she wants. She reaches out, and I want her to reach out. So, anyway, thank you guys for all you do.

[Elise Hu]

Bye.

[C]

Bye.

[Elise Hu]

I love that.

[Dory Shafrir]

I love that.

[Elise Hu]

I do. I actually. That's why I don't think I've ever really taken a tally of who reaches out, because I think I do have a lot of friends that just have a different kind of style than me. We have warm vibes towards each other, but I usually reach out because they're the ones who are always down to do something but aren't proactive about making the plan to get together. I was actually thinking, I'm having breakfast with my really good friend Alec next week. And this friendship, he was like my first friend when I moved to la. And this friendship has sustained over now, like, seven or eight years. And we don't really have friends in common. We don't have work in common. We're just friends, and we get together regularly. But every once in a while, he'll have, like, season tickets to something, or he'll, like, be working on something and, like, send them over to me or ask me. Ask me for advice. And it's that kind of friendship. But he is never the one who's like, okay, let's get something on the schedule. But I don't think anything of it. You know, it's just like, that's the way. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And I'm so glad that our friendship exists.

[Dory Shafrir]

So I love this because I just think it highlights this idea that sometimes friendship styles succeed because they are complimentary.

[Elise Hu]

Yes.

[Dory Shafrir]

I think what. Just what is the key and this listener really highlights this is that both people need to be on board. Like, I think where we saw some of the tension from people writing in was when they didn't want to always be the one making the plans and taking the initiative. They felt like the. The other friend should be doing that more. Whereas in this friendship, it seems like everyone is sort of, like, comfortable in their roles, you know?

[Elise Hu]

Yeah, I love it. All right, let's go on to the next one.

[C]

Hey, Dorney, this is, you know, that meme that was going around, I don't know, maybe a year ago, it was like, hey, if, you know, if you have a friend who has a toddler, check in on them. Well, this is your Washington, D.C. federal employee correspondent, and I am calling in to let your listeners know if they have a friend or a family member that is a federal employee or federal employee adjacent or a contractor to the federal government anywhere in this lovely dumpster fire nation, reach out to them.

[Elise Hu]

So they need to.

[C]

It's a psychological warfare, and they could use a pack. Just thinking of you. Not even, how are you doing? Question mark. Putting something else on their plate. Just thinking of you. Feel free to respond with any info you might have, but if not, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you anyway. Yeah, man.

[Elise Hu]

Brutal.

[C]

Okay, fine.

[Elise Hu]

It's so vital. I was actually doing that at TSA because I've been traveling the last couple of weeks. Oh, I've been telling these because all these TSA folks, they're all federal employees, and they're not, like, paid that well. And it's kind of a thankless job in a lot of ways. And I just, I think of them because every time there's a government shutdown or nearly a government shutdown, which might happen again in the coming weeks, there's no TSA employees or there's talk that there won't, you know, federal air traffic is going to have to stop. And so I think of them. And so as I get my ID checked and stuff, I'm like, thank you all. You know, and I know it's rough times or whatever, but we appreciate you. Just something small, but many of us, it's a huge federal workforce. It's like 2 million Americans. Right. And so many of us have family members and friends who are federal employees. And, you know, all of us share. Are connected to one another. You know, like, none of us is an island. And so I think this is a really great reminder.

[Dory Shafrir]

Okay, we got another question that I think you and I can tackle, because I feel like you do a really good job of keeping in touch with your friends who don't live here. So I feel like you would be a good person to answer this. Okay. Okay. Loving the Friendship series. It is raising a lot of emotions for me. I'm missing friends who live Far away. But now that many of us have young kids, traveling to be together feels so hard. I have a 15 month old, the youngest and the rest of the kids range in ages up to seven. So we have been in the new parent zone for many years now. Maybe it's harder in my head than reality, but we are sick all the time and I haven't had a lot of opportunities lately to get together with friends nearby, let alone far away. I know it gets better, the sick part at least. But it feels like these friendships are withering in the meantime. I just sent a message in the group text, but even that has not been very active since we aren't really present in each other's day to day lives and haven't been for a long time. Not sure if I have a question. Just a lot of feelings. Maybe how to rescue a friend group when probably you can only get together once a year. Or would it be best to focus on individual friendships rather than the group? To cut down on the moving parts of four people in three states with five kids trying to triangulate a plan. Thinking of fond memories of my college best friend and I finding so many ways to spend time together, even just sitting on a stoop together when we only had a few minutes in the same city. Wondering if I should just send this to her.

[Elise Hu]

Yes, you should definitely send it to her. Always let folks that you love know that you love them. We really don't know how much time that we have to express our connections to one another. I think to the question about getting the whole group together, it is really gnarly. It gets really hard to get like the friend group of the girls that you used to be in the same college dorm with all together again. I remember in my 20s we had so many wedding related get togethers. You know, there were like bachelorette weekends and things where a lot of girlfriends from various groups would get together because there was a milestone or something to gather around or then there were baby showers and all that and now there's fewer milestones now that I'm in my early 40s and so it's really tough. You basically have to have one of those friends who is type A and hyper organized and can corral everybody and do the doodle poll and see which weekends are available. And if there isn't one of those leaders in the group then it's very hard to get the whole group together. And so in that case, in some of my groups that don't have those, I have kind of just prioritized individual Check ins. And usually around there's reasons that we reach out to one another, even if we haven't talked for nine months. You know, it's like birthdays, for example. We check in on birthdays. And so I'm like, pretty good about knowing when my friend's birthdays are and using that as a way to just check in. Or they're checking in with me on mine. The other is like, just little stuff. If there's things that make you think of your friend, like little memes here or there. I was the other day, I don't remember what made me think of my friend Chris. I was in like a CVS aisle or something. I was like, I haven't talked to Chris in a while. And I texted him and he responded by saying, oh, my gosh. You know, I was just thinking about you and thinking about you and Rob, like, a few days ago. So. So we are on each other's minds, and so sometimes we just have to make that explicit. So I love your feelings and I hope that you share them with the people that you love and the friends that are in that group.

[Dory Shafrir]

I love that.

[Elise Hu]

And you'll pick up right where you left off. You'll pick up right where you left off. So it can go a long time. But for my friends who I haven't seen, like my Texas girls, like my Texas crew, I can go a long time without seeing them. But we are so tight. And every time we're back together, it's just like we had been hanging out for a long stretch. You know, we just pick right up.

[Dory Shafrir]

This also, this made me think of some of the takeaways that we posted in the newsletter last week. Like, you know, Raina Cohen said, be willing to initiate and be willing to get rejected. People would rather play it safe, even if that means suffering the consequences of not getting closer to people. And I was like, yes. And Dr. Marissa Franco made a similar point where she said, like, our brains are glitchy.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah.

[Dory Shafrir]

And so instead of thinking, like, how will that friend see it if I reach out to them? You should ask yourself, how would I see it if they reached out to me?

[Elise Hu]

Yeah.

[Dory Shafrir]

Like most of the time. Oh, my God. Yes. Thank you. I'm so glad this person reached out. So kind of keep that in mind. All right, we are going to take another short break and we will be right back. All right, we are back on our last mini episode we had. Was it our last one or the one before I forget, we had Anna Goldfarb, one of our guests, for friendship month answer some listener questions that came in about friendship.

[Elise Hu]

And y'all had very mixed reviews about this.

[Dory Shafrir]

Very mixed reviews.

[Elise Hu]

Some of you really appreciated having somebody else in the advice chair and somebody who, like, was a researcher on friendship. And some of y'all really just miss us giving advice.

[Dory Shafrir]

Yeah. Yes. There we got quite a few responses that said that Anna's advice really missed the mark. And so, you know, we hear you, we honor that and just want to read some of this feedback or actually, you know what, let's hear some feedback first.

[D]

Hi, Doriana, Elise, this is Julie Miller and I love the podcast. I was calling in reference to the Anna Goldfarb episode. I listened to it today and rarely have I been so surprised by an answer from a guest. I'm call about the, the 40th birthday question. I believe it was the last one on the show and I was just really caught off guard by Anna's answer to that. I felt like it was, gosh, it really caught me off guard. I feel like the friend who had the 40th birthday maybe could have expected her friends to do something for her, her big birthday. I mean, you know, just because you choose to have children doesn't like, you know, mean that you, you, you can't be there for your friends. And I feel like maybe the whole situation was lacking in context. I believe they had been friends since the sixth grade. Maybe that was something that they had always talked about, you know, like in their 20s and 30s. Yeah, when we turn 40, we're gonna throw huge parties for one another. And the friend with the child, and I believe she said she was also pregnant. Like, we don't know what kind of support system she has. She, that she may have grandparents and a supportive husband ready to step in with child care. I think Anna just presupposed that she was a struggling mother who was barely keeping it together. And the friend who was turning 40, I think by the time we turn 40, you know, especially single women, child free women. Like, we have been to so many weddings, so many baby showers, and I don't think it was wrong for that friend to want something in return. I mean, has Anna Goldfarb never seen the Sex and the City episode where he has to go to the shower and take off her shoes and Tatum O'Neill makes, you know, such disparaging remarks about, you know, she doesn't have children and all that? I just, it really, really caught me unaware. I am 52. I did not get married until I was 32. I am child free by choice. I have joined with another human. But you know, I have seen my friendships shift when my friends have had kids. But, you know, my best friend got on a plane with two infants and still came to be maid of honor in my wedding. So, you know, I just, I feel like that friend really dropped the ball and I was surprised by Anna's advice. But mainly I want to know if I'm alone in this. Did anybody else feel the same as me? Anyway, keep up the great work, look forward to your show every week, and thanks for listening. I know it got kind of long. Thanks.

[E]

Bye.

[Elise Hu]

Bye.

[Dory Shafrir]

Not alone.

[Elise Hu]

You're not alone.

[Dory Shafrir]

You're not alone.

[Elise Hu]

In fact, we have an email that starts the same way, which I'll just read now because it pairs very well with your voicemail. It says, hello, I might be alone here, but I found Anna's advice to the woman whose pregnant friend wasn't able to be there for her to be quite cruel. The implication that single child free people have wants and people with kids have needs really upset me. Is it not possible to need time, love and affection if you don't have kids? I'm childless by choice and happily do everything I can to accommodate my friends kids and there are a lot of them, including nearly always being the one to travel to them despite not being able to drive and having all of the kids be invited to my birthday lunch so my friends with kids can come. I also had this at home so it was easy for them versus a restaurant and provided everything I could to make the place child friendly. But very often you are either dismissed with things like I can't believe I ever thought I experienced stress before children, you have no idea or fetishized like tell me about your dating life. I have to live through you. The later actually being a very painful and complicated issue as I'm on the asexual spectrum and struggle to date at all. But my friends just want a good story. Despite knowing this, I think women with children either have to accept some of the responsibility for navigating the change in friendships with their childless friends, or just be honest that they aren't capable of having true friendships with people who aren't experiencing motherhood. It feels unfair that all the responsibility is on the childless friend, even if some of it absolutely is best. Yeah, great answer, Great response.

[Dory Shafrir]

Yep, great feedback.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah, no, I've really tried not to. I've been pretty deliberate about trying not to melt into my children's lives so that I can continue to show up for my friends and it just does depend on the kind of support that you have, you know, that is possible. And I think that there were some assumptions in that question that that or that answer that the pregnant friend didn't have the kinds of supports that might make it possible for her to show up more.

[Dory Shafrir]

Right, Totally.

[Elise Hu]

So anyway, we understand the blind spot. We see it. Those of you who wrote in and called in are not alone. And I think if anything, it shows us that when we feel like we're the only ones in situations, we're often not. So please do speak up because it gives license for other people to do the same. And I'm not saying just about reaction to advice on a podcast call in show. Yes. I'm saying just in general.

[Dory Shafrir]

Totally. All right. All right. We are going to end with a call back to another question that we raised and we got a great voicemail about this.

[Elise Hu]

Okay.

[E]

Hello, wonderful 35 hosts and listeners. I am a therapist and I have a therapist and I wanted to call in about that question. Every therapist does not have a therapist. Many people don't for similar reasons why the general public doesn't, because of stigma, which is ironic because lots of people are therapists who still have internalized mental health stigma and a host of other access issues. With that said, there are lots of things to consider when you are looking for a therapist which would go into kind of the overall fit. So once you talk to them, which you should for, let's say, 15 minutes before committing, do you like them? Do you feel like you can open up to them? Do they feel safe? Do they feel confident? Does this feel like someone who you would be happy to share with and be vulnerable with? So that's one. Then there are also demographic markers, like if you want to have a therapist that shares your gender or your ethnicity or your sexual orientation or gender identity, those or even nationality, immigration status. There are so many factors that you might feel more understood if you share one of those demographic markers considerations if you want therapy in person or online or hybrid. Lots of people are online and that is great for access, but in person sometimes is powerful in a different way. You might also think about specialties. Does this person specialize in the thing that you want to work on? So lots of people work on anxiety and depression, but there are also specialties in eating disorders or personality disorders or grief or role transitions or transition to parenthood or, you know, a million other things. So people have specialties in those areas. There's also the therapeutic approach, which might be behavioral, psychodynamic, humanistic, integrative, or a host of others. And then availability is huge. So you might love somebody, but they might say, I can only see you once a month when really you want to be seen weekly or bi weekly. So lots to consider. And last but not least, price is the biggest access determination that I can think of. And even as a therapist myself, that is the thing that made the decision for me because I found free therapy and that was through a university counseling center. And I'm going to use that as long as I can. So there's so many factors that go into it and I wish everybody great luck and really encourage everyone to do it. It's so life changing and everyone deserves support. So sending love to all, especially my sister.

[Elise Hu]

Oh, lovely. That is such a helpful rubric or a heuristic to kind of go down.

[Dory Shafrir]

Yes, yes.

[Elise Hu]

Good thing this episode is transcribed by a machine so that we can go back and look at that transcript. So you can go to our website forever 35 podcasts and read the transcript of that because I think that was a really helpful list of things to consider when considering a therapist. And if you're looking for online therapy or open to online therapy, we do have a code at Better Help, one of our sponsors. So if you are interested in shopping around at Better Help, you can visit betterhelp.com forever35 and they are offering 10% off your first month. Obviously there's lots of different routes you can take, of course, but BetterHelp does have that discount through us.

[Dory Shafrir]

All right, thanks everyone for listening. We appreciate you and we will talk to you soon.

[Elise Hu]

Okay, bye.

[Dory Shafrir]

Bye bye.

[Elise Hu]

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[Dory Shafrir]

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[Elise Hu]

Sounds good.

[Dory Shafrir]

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[Elise Hu]

Hmm.

[Dory Shafrir]

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