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Mini-Ep 468: When You “Don’t Fit”

Forever35

Wed Nov 05 2025

Summary

Forever35 – Mini-Episode 468: When You "Don't Fit"

Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Date: November 5, 2025

Episode Overview

In this dynamic mini-episode, Doree and Elise tackle the emotionally charged terrain of aging parents—including tech challenges, dementia care, and practical support services—while weaving in their signature humor and warmth. Listeners' voicemails drive much of the conversation, offering both practical tips and emotional solidarity. The hosts also share amusing tangents about TV culture, household hacks, and close with a thought-provoking call on societal attitudes toward thinness and health, underscoring the complexity of body acceptance and medical bias.

Main Topics & Key Discussion Points

1. Navigating Aging Parents and Screen Time

Generational Challenges with Technology
- Elise discusses the influx of AI-generated, often nonsensical videos her father shares, paralleling discourse around children's screen time with the less acknowledged but real issue of "boomer screen time."
- (02:08) Elise Hu:
  
  "We talk so much. There's so much discourse about kids and screen time. But what about our parents and screen time?"
- Doree relates, mentioning monitoring her mother’s YouTube consumption and the unique risks tied to seniors' digital payments and scams.
Reflection on Technology-Free Elders
- Doree shares that her grandparents never had the internet—once frustrating, now something she views more positively given current digital landscape pitfalls.
- (04:14) Doree Shafrir:
  
  "In retrospect, I'm like, you know what? It's probably for the best that they did not have the Internet."

2. Listener Voicemails: Caregiving for Aging Parents

A. Hiring a Senior Care Consultant

(13:03–16:34) Listener details how a senior care consultant helped manage her parents’ transition to assisted living, including:
- Navigating stubbornness, activating long-term insurance, and finding appropriate facilities and aides.
- Services extended to move managers who complete the downsizing and moving process.
Advice:
- If financially possible, investing in professional help alleviated massive stress—and, as the caller joked, it “was definitely cheaper than the extra therapy appointments I would have needed.”
- (15:53) Listener Quote:
  
  "...if you can scrape together even a little bit of cash for some time with a senior care consultant, it was truly a lifesaver for us."

B. Dealing with Dementia—"Meeting People Where They Are"

(18:12–20:28) Listener shares about her father’s dementia, recommending empathetic, moment-based caregiving instead of struggling for “logic” or reality.
- “It's really hard not to get frustrated and sad and mad at them when they're...not being the parent that you are used to having. It's a long term period of mourning for them while they are still alive.”
- Using redirection and comfort within the loved one’s perceived reality can yield more joyful moments.
Doree and Elise resonate with the advice, discussing their parents’ health and support needs, and emphasizing the emotional labor on caregivers more than patients.

3. Quick Hits: Humor and Life Updates

Deadwood and TV Star Mysteries
- Elise recounts her anticipation for a trip to Deadwood, SD, and the ongoing joke with her husband about the prominence of actress Molly Parker on LA billboards.
Soccer Mom Season Ends
- Elise is relieved as her daughter’s packed soccer season concludes, with light banter about the exhaustion involved.

4. Listener Advice & Life Hacks

A. Towel Overhaul

(21:22–22:43) A listener recommends Costco bath sheets for their size and value.
- Elise contemplates the catharsis of purging mismatched towels and socks, suggesting recurring household “refreshes.”

B. Solidarity in Caregiving

Doree underlines the importance of sharing stories to break isolation:
- (21:04) Doree Shafrier:
  
  "I think it's like comforting to people to hear that other people are going through the same stuff."

5. Weight Loss, Thinness, and Medical Bias

Speech-Language Pathologist’s Soapbox (26:10–29:38)
- The final voicemail brings a sobering perspective: patients with serious illness may celebrate extreme, unintentional weight loss due to cultural bias favoring thinness.
- The caller urges a shift in focus from size to health and function:
  
  "...our culture, even when you were that sick, still [sees] skinniness as being the goodness of a person."
Elise strongly agrees, referencing body liberation journalist Virginia Sole-Smith and the dangers of conflating thinness with health.
- (29:38) Elise Hu:
  
  "Thinness does not necessarily equal health. ...A lot of doctors have anti-fat bias. ...We problematize bodies that don't ‘fit’... then we create this market for a solution."

Memorable Quotes & Moments

On intergenerational tech anxiety:
- “I now have to like, treat my parents like my children when it comes to screen time.” — Doree, 02:57
Caregiver burnout and boundaries:
- “You don’t have to make your job your identity. …You could also just do the job and have a rich life outside of work.” — Elise, 08:47
Dementia caregiving:
- “It’s a long term period of mourning for them while they are still alive. …But you can still have some joyful moments with them if you just kind of meet them where they’re at.” — Listener, 19:00
Household hacks as self-care:
- “Maybe we give all of our towels to the vet and we just start fresh... I feel this way about socks every once in a while.” — Elise, 22:12
Cultural bias on health:
- “I routinely would have to fight for patients to get, you know, alternative means of nutrition... because it was not okay that they were losing this much weight.” — Listener, 28:00

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------------------|---------------| | Parental Screen Time, Boomers & Tech | 01:43–04:39 | | Listener: Senior Care Consultant & Move Managers | 13:03–16:34 | | Listener: Dementia—Meeting People Where They Are | 18:12–20:28 | | Listener: Towel (and Household) Refresh Advice | 21:22–22:43 | | Listener: Thinness, Health & Medical Bias Perspective | 26:10–29:38 | | Body Acceptance: Reflections on Medicine & Culture | 29:38–31:09 |

Conclusion

This mini-episode underscores the realities—and shared vulnerabilities—of caring for aging parents, navigating household chaos, and resisting societal pressures about bodies and self-worth. With the Forever35 community at its core, Doree, Elise, and their listeners cultivate both practical wisdom and a supportive environment for listeners “who don’t fit,” in any sense of the phrase.

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Transcript

Elise Hu (0:00)

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Verizon Spokesperson (0:03)

Got it from Verizon, the best 5G network in America. I never look so good.

Listener Caller 1 (0:07)

You look the same.

Verizon Spokesperson (0:08)

But with this camera, everything looks better. Especially me.

Dory Shafreer (0:10)

You haven't changed your hair in 15 years.

Verizon Announcer (0:13)

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Elise Hu (0:32)

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Dory Shafreer (1:12)

Hello and welcome to Forever 35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Dory Shafreer.

Elise Hu (1:19)

And I'm Elise Hu. And we're just two friends who like to talk about serums.

Dory Shafreer (1:24)

And this is a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability. But please remember, we are not experts. We are podcast hosts. And we always encourage you to seek support first and foremost from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.

Elise Hu (1:43)

We've gotten a lot of mailbag content about the Vanessa Gregor episode where she talks about taking care of elderly parents. It sounds like she has that new show. So your parents are old and it turns out a lot of our parents are old. As it turns out.

Dory Shafreer (2:03)

Yeah. I think this is something that a lot of people are going through.

Listener Caller 1 (13:03)

Hi guys, I had a pause the POD moment when you guys were talking about aging parents. I am currently dealing with my own aging parents and my mom is still very active, but my dad has dementia and both of them are extremely stubborn. My mom had to literally get to a breaking point in order to accept help, but one of the absolute best things that we did was hire a senior care consultant which is a little bit different than a care manager that you guys talked about. POD the consultant was shockingly reasonable in terms of cost and is a licensed social worker who helped my mom and me deal with getting immediate help in terms of at home aids and also long term help in terms of finding an independent slash assisted living place where they could live together as a couple with support. My parents also had a long term insurance policy that was nearly impossible for us to get activated, but the consultant was able to do so in five minutes on the phone, which was a lifesaver. And their insurance pays for their personal aid. So the consultant works with a team of other licensed social workers. They know what questions to ask assisted living places, they have connections to independent aides, they have connections to agencies. They did an evaluation with my parents over zoom immediately in order to determine what kind of services and help they needed. And they helped guide us through this whole journey in a way that was just a massive support to both me and my folks, and especially this generation. I feel like they're never going to listen to their kids. We're giving them reasonable and knowledgeable advice, or not knowledgeable advice, but they'll listen to other people. We paid 2,500, I believe, and this is in the New York City area where things cost a bajillion dollars for anything. But the consultant also was able to give us recommendations for things like elder care, lawyers, moving services. And then when we actually got down to the nitty gritty of downsizing my parents and moving them into a facility, the consultants were able to hook us up with move managers who are another whole realm of angels on earth. The move managers were a group of, of course, primarily women who you pay to come in and help you and your parents do the downsizing. They get rid of the trash, they get rid of things to donate, they pack them up, they move their stuff, they unpack their stuff, and they set up the house, they hung pictures, put away dishes. It was amazing and it was the best money I have ever spent to just handle this. It was definitely cheaper than the extra therapy appointments I would have needed to get through this myself. I really hate to say throw money at the problem because so many of us don't have money to throw at this problem, but if you can scrape together even a little bit of cash for some time with a senior care consultant, it was truly a lifesaver for us.

Dory Shafreer (23:15)

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Listener Caller 3 (26:10)

I just had to pause the pod when you guys were talking about body types and exercise and GLP1s and all this stuff that's kind of going on right now in our culture. I am a speech language pathologist who worked extensively with patients with feeding and swallowing disorders. So I routinely would see patients who had lost huge amounts of weight, not intentionally, but because they were having either a disease process or having difficulty swallowing. And it always blew my mind how they would routinely just be like, yeah, this is great, I love 50 pounds. And I'm like, you can't eat. And it was just so worrisome to me that our culture, even when you were that sick, still like the focus and the emphasis on skinniness being like the goodness of a person and how amazing a person is and that's the only thing that should matter. And I would get so angry, not at the patient obviously, but like just in general that that's the lens that they would see this through and not like, holy shit, like this is a big problem and I should be really, really concerned. Like 9 times out of 10 these patients would just be like, yeah, I lost some weight, but it was good because I needed to lose £50. And it's like, no, not this way. And similar to what your guest was saying, the muscle loss was like unbelievable. And it's just a certain type of look and it's really unsettling to me as a person that we continue to not focus on strength and how our body functions versus how it looks. And doctors also would kind of see people through that lens and routinely kind of make comments that it was good that they lost. Lost the weight for whatever reason. And I routinely would have to fight for patients to get, you know, alternative means of nutrition or supplements or something because it was not okay that they were losing this much weight. And even doctors would sometimes just be like, no, it's fine. Like, we need them to lose the weight, so it's okay. And it's like, nope, this is. They're losing muscle. So that is my soapbox. And I'm sorry for rambling, but I similarly feel kind of mixed about these GLP ones. Like, I have friends and family who are on them, and I know they have a place and are a good thing for a lot of people. But I also think, like, there's just this, like, magic bulletness about it that is wrong. But at the same time, I think it's great that people have access to something that can help them lose the weight if they've done, if they're doing all the things that they should be doing. And I'm not trying to make or pass judgment on that. It's just more of looking at this drug as part of a bigger system that can happen when we're talking about nutrition and health and wellness and not just like, okay, I'm going to take this pill and lose weight. I'm so happy you guys continue to have these difficult conversations. And again, none of this is in judgment of people taking whatever they need to do to get their body to a place that is healthy. That's all. And I'm sorry this is so long. Bye.