Mini-Ep 474: The Big Questions

Summary

Forever35 – Mini-Episode 474: The Big Questions

Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Release Date: January 7, 2026

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Episode Overview

In their first mini-episode of 2026, Doree and Elise respond to listener questions that touch on some of life's "big questions"—including whether to have a second child, the realities of co-parenting, and reflecting on annual intentions. With their signature warmth and self-awareness, they lean into honest conversation about parenting, self-care, and the evolving nature of personal goals.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kicking Off a New Year and Returning from the Holidays

[02:01–07:12]

• Hosts’ reflections: Both hosts share how they spent the holidays—Elise mostly at home, Doree on a family trip to Mexico. Elise discusses the joys and challenges of navigating the extended school break with her daughters, including activities like museum visits and prepping for a Hamilton show.
• Intentional Reflection: Elise describes her tradition of year-end wrap-ups for personal reflection rather than setting rigid resolutions. She offers an insight inspired by Krista Tippett and Minouche Zomorodi about embracing an annual "question” instead of a resolution.
  • Memorable Quote:
    "One thing that she recommended is going into the New year with a question. Like a question that becomes your friend throughout the year and you return to it and you kind of, like, think about if you're working towards it.” – Elise Hu [04:48]
• Elise’s Question for 2026: How can she do things with more depth, both in and outside of work.
• Doree’s Recap: Shares about her family’s Mexico trip—the chaos of traveling with young kids and the pleasures of hotel breakfasts, while noting she didn’t exactly return “relaxed” but did make meaningful memories.

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2. Listener Feedback on Recent Guests

[11:12–13:06]

• Listener Voicemail: Calls for returning guest Dr. Megan Sullivan and expresses how much her wisdom resonated.
  • "She was incredible. And I love you two, also. Anyway, thank you so much, you guys, for the podcast. You get me through so much." – Listener [11:13]
• Dermatologist Listener Text: Both hosts are pleased by medical professionals affirming their thoughtful guest interviews, especially applauding Dr. Wong’s advice as “clear and without gimmicks.”
• Elise’s Reflection: Suggests perhaps inviting Dr. Megan back for more regular Q&A, highlighting her invaluable, relatable perspective.

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3. The One-Child vs. Siblings Debate

[16:55–23:39]

• Listener Voicemail: A mom of one, who was previously childfree, asks if not having a second child is "short-sighted" due to claims she'd need to entertain her child more and have less time for herself. She's weighing practical, emotional, and cultural expectations.
  • "When people hear that we probably won’t have a second one… they've told me… it’s a short-sighted view because if you have one child you actually have to entertain them a lot more…Is this true or just our pronatalist culture?" – Listener [16:55]
• Hosts’ Answers:
  • Elise: Stresses there’s no universal answer; the impact of having multiple children is shaped by individual resources, priorities, and philosophies—
    • “With each kid… I had a diminishing marginal resource of that time. So it’s inevitable my kids get less of me as I had more of them. But they have value to each other… that I can’t really put a value on.” – Elise [18:47]
  • Doree: Acknowledges it can be harder to keep an only child entertained but highlights financial realities and positive aspects of being a smaller family.
    • "There’s a lot of things that we get to do because we only have one child… I know a lot of people who have one child. I think they also see how it benefits the family unit.” – Doree [20:08]
• Advice: Both encourage the listener to examine personal desires rather than bow to social pressure.
  • Elise: Suggests a “future self” thought experiment—would the listener regret not having a second child?
    • “Ask yourself how important it is to you to have another child… from the perspective of your future self.” – Elise [22:25]
  • Doree: Emphasizes there’s no wrong answer—each family’s context is unique.

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4. Navigating Co-Parenting & Self-Care After Separation

[25:52–31:53]

• Listener Voicemail: Separated parent of two young children requests advice on co-parenting, especially how it intersects with self-care for women.
  • “There are hard things and good things and I would just really love to hear all the different ways that folks are thinking about it and… how it relates to self care and stuff in midlife for particularly for women and femmes.” – Listener [25:52]
• Elise’s Practical Strategies:
  • Carrying the Mental Load: Notes that even after separation, traditional divisions of labor often persist—especially for mothers.
    • “In the same way that I was having to manage the kids schedules when I was married, I'm still managing… when I'm not married and my ex husband executes on that schedule…” – Elise [26:46]
  • Communication:
    • Weekly co-parenting calls to coordinate schedules (when possible)
    • Shared digital calendars for kids’ activities
    • Coordinating on holidays, birthdays, and school events (sometimes joint, sometimes separate as family contexts evolve)
    • Using WhatsApp and shared folders for photos and updates
    • Google Docs for managing presents and shared logistics
  • On Blended Families: Shares examples of various approaches to family meals, vacations, and how these evolve over time.
    • “Some great blended families… all go on vacation together... There’s awesome blended situations. I just think it varies.” – Elise [29:03]
  • Relationship Evolution: Advises to expect—and accept—ongoing change in the co-parenting relationship.
    • “Your relationship with your co parent is going to change just in the way that all relationships change and grow and evolve... Be ready for all of the dynamism there.” – Elise [31:12]
  • Self-Care Implications: Recognizes that co-parenting structures can open up new time for self-care, but the mental load often remains substantial for moms/femmes.
• Doree’s Input:
  • Echoes the variety of family solutions and the value of open communication, while noting that everyone’s situation is unique.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On year-end reflection:
  "I do a year end wrap up every year. So I do kind of like try and take stock at the end of every year. And that way I have that to look back on too.” – Elise [04:50]
• On parenting choices:
  “Whatever choice you make will end up being the right choice for you, I think. I don't know if that sounds… wishy washy, but I do genuinely feel that way.” – Doree [20:08]
• On future regret:
  “Ask yourself, maybe from the perspective of your future self… would you regret it had you not [had another child]?” – Elise [22:25]
• On mental load post-separation:
  "In the same way that I was having to manage the kids schedules when I was married, I'm still managing the kids schedules for the most part when I'm not married" – Elise [26:46]
• On co-parenting logistics:
  “We have a shared calendar. That’s the kids stuff… so [my ex] can check what’s going on and reduces us having to talk to each other.” – Elise [28:41]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:01–07:12 | New year reflections, holiday recaps, embracing an annual “question” | | 11:12–13:06 | Listener feedback on recent guests Dr. Megan Sullivan & Dr. Wong | | 16:55–23:39 | Voicemail and discussion: One child vs. siblings, decision-making | | 25:52–31:53 | Voicemail and discussion: Co-parenting after separation, self-care |

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Tone & Flow

The episode maintains the hosts’ self-aware, conversational, and gently humorous style. Both Doree and Elise are candid about their personal lives and supportive of listeners, providing a safe space for vulnerable questions and thoughtful, honest responses. They avoid prescriptive advice, instead encouraging personal reflection and acknowledging the messiness of real life and modern parenting.

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Summary

This “Big Questions” mini-episode of Forever35 offers reassurance for listeners wrestling with the complexities of parenting choices and co-parenting arrangements. Through honest storytelling and relatable listener questions, Elise and Doree demonstrate that caring for yourself isn’t about following cultural scripts, but about staying mindful, open, and true to what works best for your unique situation. The value of questions and reflection—rather than rigid rules—threads throughout, making this episode as compassionate as it is practical.

Transcript

[Dori Shafrir]

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[Elise Hu]

I get it. Yeah.

[Dori Shafrir]

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[Elise Hu]

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[Dori Shafrir]

Hello and welcome to Forever 35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Dory Shafrier.

[Elise Hu]

And I'm Elise Hu. And we're just two friends who like to talk a lot about serums. And we're back for 2026. Our first mini episode of 2026. Yay.

[Dori Shafrir]

Yay. And as Elise alluded to, this is a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability. But just a reminder, we are podcast hosts. We are not experts, so we do always encourage you to seek support. First and foremost from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.

[Elise Hu]

Dori, did we have a lot of notes and texts and voicemails pile up while we were off? I'm so curious because I don't, you know, field them all.

[Dori Shafrir]

I would say not a ton.

[Listener]

Okay.

[Dori Shafrir]

We, you know, we got a few.

[Elise Hu]

To be fair, they are the dead weeks. So what I love about the dead weeks is sort of this period in which, like, you don't know what time it is or what day it is and you're in this kind of vortex. And as a result, I can totally understand why you wouldn't think to be emailing or texting your favorite podcasters. So we. I can't wait to hear what we do have in store, like what you did write about. But you can always write in, you know, now that we're back, back in 2026, back in action.

[Dori Shafrir]

We are back in action. You can call or text us at 781-591-0390. Email us as always at forever35podcastmail.com we love getting your questions, your comments, your concerns. So please write or call in. But before we get to everything that you all did correspond with us about Elise, how are you doing now in the new year?

[Elise Hu]

I feel good. I feel pretty good. I mean, I spent. I'm glad that I didn't travel too much. I am actually in New York this week as this place I am going to be in New York. But, like, the girls get three weeks off, which is in feels like an interminably long amount of time. And we got to do some, like, fun things together here in town. Like, Ava went down to Orange county where they have this winter fest. It rained a lot. I tried to keep. I tried to keep the mud out of my house. That felt like a lot of how I spent the holidays. Rob's doing his thing of trying to prepare the girls to see Hamilton so that they're so.

[Dori Shafrir]

They're like.

[Elise Hu]

He's like, trying to give context. And then I we're gonna probably go to the Museum of Natural History. And so I showed Luna Night at the museum, which I hadn't seen, and I'm so glad that I did. It was very cute. So I'm excited about that. But yeah, it was pretty quiet.

[Dori Shafrir]

We.

[Elise Hu]

I kind of tied one on on New Year's Eve. It was really rainy, stayed out too late. But I feel pretty good. Like I'm not a big New year, new intentions kind of person. But I did get to see this really cool thing I do a year end Wrap up every year. So I do kind of like try and take stock at the end of every year. And then that way I have that to look back on too. And that's kind of nice because I like to reflect. But I was watching this interview between Minouche Zomorodi at npr. Uh, she hosts TED Radio Hour, the other TED related show. And she was talking to Krista Tippett, the big spiritual. Yeah, who hosts On Being. And she's kind of like a spiritual thought leader. And she talked about how instead of going into the New Year with any intentions or resolutions you could, because it gives you kind of added pressure to try and implement them. One thing that she recommended is going into the New year with a question. Like a question that is becomes your friend throughout the year and you return to it and you kind of like think about if you're working towards it. But just like, having the idea of that question in your head will help you live differently, like Minouche wanted. I think her question for the year was something like, how do I spend time with ideas or, like, think about them without just trying to grab onto them? Because I think, you know, as an interviewer and somebody who, like, comes and is associated with ted, like, you're. There's ideas just coming at you all the time. And I think our tendency, especially as journalists, is to, like, grab at them and figure out, like, oh, well, this would pair with this other idea, and then I can make this episode about this, but instead just like, actually think about ideas to then lead to other ideas. And so I'm trying to figure out what mine would be. I feel like mine is even broader. If I were to. If I were to come up with a New Year's question, and it would be like, how do I do things with more depth? Like, how do I do things deeply? It's not just work. Like, I want to do deep work, obviously, but yeah, work is just one dimension of our lives. But, like, how do I pay attention more deeply? How do I read more deeply? You know, I think that that could be something that then is an animating kind of challenge. But, yeah, what about you? Catch me up. You had your big trip. Tell us. Highlights, lowlights, memories, core memories.

[Dori Shafrir]

Yeah, so we went to Mexico. My parents were generous enough to take us on a trip to Mexico with my brother and his kids. We all stayed at the same resort, and it was a great trip. It, like, a bunch of people have been like, do you feel relaxed or rejuvenated? And no, I don't, because you Know, there were. We were with three rambunctious children under 10 and there wasn't like that much time to really, like, relax on my own. But that being said, it was a really great trip. It was great to spend time with my brother and my parents and his. My brother's kids. And Henry got a lot of like, cousin time.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah.

[Dori Shafrir]

And. And the resort was amazing. And we did a couple of like, day trips.

[Elise Hu]

I love hotel breakfast. Like, what were the highlights for you of hotel breakfast? Did you have the same thing every day or.

[Dori Shafrir]

Yeah, I usually would make some sort of like chia yogurt bowl with fruit. They had really nice fresh fruit. I don't like, love an omelette. Like, I'm sort of omelet agnostic and there is always a line for the omelette station, so I never did an omelette. Henry always had eggs and pancakes. He was like in heaven with his eggs and pancakes. There was a restaurant, it was an all inclusive resort where we stayed and there was a restaurant like, near our room that was really nice. It was like right by the beach. It was like basically like in the infinity pool. And it wasn't as crowded as like the. There were two sort of main buffets and it was not nearly as crowded. It just felt sort of like a nice, peaceful way to start the day.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah.

[Dori Shafrir]

The rest of my family tended to eat breakfast at a much more crowded location with a lot of kids and we just, just. We almost every day we like, just kind of did our own thing.

[Listener]

Okay.

[Dori Shafrir]

So that was nice. But we always had lunch. We usually had like lunch and dinner together.

[Elise Hu]

Nice.

[Dori Shafrir]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Elise Hu]

What about Matt? What? Did he have a good time, do you think?

[Dori Shafrir]

He did have a good time and he was, he was like a little apprehensive about the trip, you know, partly because, like, he's a bigger guy, so he knew that he wasn't going to be able to do some of the activities, which was like, obviously not great and a little stressful for him. And I think he's also a person who like, is a little nervous about unfamiliar situations like going we were going to a foreign country. And he kind of likes to be prepared and he didn't really know how to be prepared in this situation, but he really, like, rose to the occasion and admitted that he had a good time and he did a lot of walking, which he doesn't normally do that much of at home. And that sort of. I think that sort of like jump started a walking habit for him. So that was good.

[Elise Hu]

Also. It's just, like, good vibes to be so far from home. And like, yeah, it was in Mexico.

[Dori Shafrir]

It was good vibes. Henry. Henry, really. The first couple days were tough. You know, Henry really likes his routines. He likes his schedule. He likes his familiar surroundings. And the first couple of days, he was just a little, like, out of sorts. Like, I've never been here before. I was like, true. That's fair. I was like, are you feeling, like, disoriented? And then he kind of, like, got into it and got into, like, the rhythm and the food and the. Just the whole vibe. And I think ended up having a lot of fun. It was great.

[Elise Hu]

He'll be such a pro next time too, when he's at the next place that he's never been before.

[Dori Shafrir]

Totally. Totally. Well, Elise, before we take a little break, I do just want to play a sweet voicemail that we got.

[Elise Hu]

Okay.

[Listener]

Hi, I am a Forever Forever 35 listener and I just had a call because I finished listening to the episode with Megan and I noticed she was super anxious to open herself up to answering any questions that come. So I don't have a question for her at the time, but I feel like she needs to be a repeat guest because she was incredible. And I love you too, also. Anyway, thank you so much, you guys, for the podcast. You get me through so much.

[Elise Hu]

Love you.

[Listener]

Bye.

[Elise Hu]

I agree about Dr. Megan Sullivan and how I hope that she can come on more. I feel like the questions that she wrestles with all the time are ones that overlap so much with our daily lives and just trying to be an adult or a human in the world. And she did a great job. She crushed it. Agree. Yes, I probably agree. We were talking about maybe trying to send her voice notes or something that we get from our listeners, but she did take one of those listener questions that we had from a mini.

[Dori Shafrir]

She did. She did. And I thought she did a really good job answering it. And then just one more quick thing before we take a break. We got a text that said. Just wanted to share that. As a board certified dermatologist and longtime Forever 35 fan, I was so impressed with your episode with Dr. Wong. I do not know her, but it was refreshing to hear her answer listener questions in the same way that I would when speaking with my own patients in clinic. Clinic with clarity, without gimmicks. Kudos to you and to her.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah, thanks, Dr. Wong. I need to go pay a. Pay a visit to my dermatologist.

[Dori Shafrir]

Yeah, she was.

[Elise Hu]

I very rarely go, so I should. I should probably do that maybe do a little skin check or something.

[Listener]

Yeah.

[Dori Shafrir]

Take that as a sign.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah.

[Dori Shafrir]

All right. We are going to take a break and after the break we have an interesting question about having kids.

[Elise Hu]

Oh, okay.

[Dori Shafrir]

So we will be right back.

[Elise Hu]

We'll be right back. All right. So in 2026, I'm going to have a better maintenance around my money goals. I really need to do that, like saving for taxes at a regular rate all year instead of only towards the end of the year, as I mistakenly did in 2025. And now I'm going to do this easier than ever because now I have Monarch to help me out. It brings your entire financial life, budgeting and investments, plus your net worth and future planning all together in one dashboard on your laptop and phone. So if you have struggled with holiday budgeting, Monarch is a go to tool for a New Year's financial reset, reviewing spending over the holidays, setting fresh budgets, and getting ready for 2026. It has everything from automated weekly money recaps to tracking progress toward future financial goals. It's easier than ever to stay financially fit in the short and long term. Plus you have 24. 7 access to a financial coach accessible from anywhere in Monarch. This new year, achieve your financial goals for good. Monarch is the all in one tool that makes proactive money management simple all year long. Use code [e-mail] for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first [e-mail] with code F35.

[Dori Shafrir]

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[Listener]

And Elise, Backing off the question you responded to recently about deciding whether to have a child, I was child free and on the fence, but leaning toward no kids for a long time. But fast forward to the beginning of 2026. Here I am in my late 30s now and the mom of a one year old. I love her very much, finding a lot of joy in being a mom. But to be honest it's also been pretty challenging in terms of things like sleep and balancing work and other commitments and I feel a lot of worry and guilt when I think about her not having a sibling long term. But I also don't know if my partner and I really realistically have bandwidth for more. And when people hear that we probably won't have a second one because we don't have much of the quote unquote village. They've told me that we're actually shooting ourselves in the foot and that it's a short sighted view because if you have one child you actually have to entertain them a lot more and you won't have as much time for yourself as if there were two of them because then they can play with each other. And I just was curious if you think this is true or is this just our pronatalist culture pushing the idea that more kids is better? I don't think the idea that two siblings keeping each other company is in and of itself a good reason to bring another kid into the world. But I would be really curious to hear your perspective as parents of one and three children respectively. How do you Feel like having a single versus multiple children affects your ability to care for yourself on a daily basis. When you think about things like exercise, your social life, hobbies, sleep, et cetera. Obviously the best choice for optimal self care probably would have been to remain child free. But since that ship has sailed for me, what do we think? Thanks.

[Elise Hu]

First, I think this would be such a good question for Dr. Megan Sullivan.

[Dori Shafrir]

Totally.

[Elise Hu]

Because there's a lot of, there's a lot of value that our relationships add that aren't necessarily value. Like are. Aren't valued the same by different people. Right. So like you and I might value our free time differently or whatever it is like what we do. Right. So. So I, I can't really answer that question. It's. I feel like 1 versus 3 or you know, 1 versus 5 kids is always such an individual question. And it has a lot to do not just with your own personal philosophy, but also resources. Like I would have more than three kids if I were richer. I just think they're so expensive. And then with each kid it is, we have a finite amount of time. So with each additional child I have or had, I had a diminishing marginal resource of that time. So it's like inevitable that my kids get less of me as I had more of them. But they have value to each other. Do they have that much value to each other? Like, do they really love and cherish all the time they spend with each other? I don't know about that, but they have relationships with one another and a certain kind of connection that I can't really put a value on, you know?

[Dori Shafrir]

Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, it is kind of true that like at least at the age that Henry is right now, he's six, he does want us to play. He still wants us to play with him a lot. He's starting to play more on his own and do more things on his own, but not really. And I think kind of socially and for his own development, it probably would have been great for him to have a sibling, but it just wasn't in the cards. So I mean personally, and this is like my personal belief, I think like all things being equal, it's like nice to have a sibling, but there's people who disagree with me. And I think, you know, you can have a perfectly fulfilling your child, have a perfectly fulfilling life. You will have a perfectly fulfilling life with one child or no children. So you know, that's just my, that's how I feel personally. But another kid is not going to happen. So we're kind of like making the bet. And. And I think also we also acknowledge some of the things that this listener is saying in their voicemail, which is like. And what you have also said, too, Elise, you know, the finite resources, like, we are in a very precarious financial situation right now that I can't even imagine what would be like if we had more than one child. And there's a lot of things that we get to do because we only have one child. And, you know, so I think that's. That's very real. And I actually, I know a lot. I actually know a lot of people who have one child. And, you know, I think they also see how it benefits the family unit to have one child. So, you know, I don't think any of us can tell you what to do and, like, what the right choice is. I think all we can do is speak from our own experience, and whatever choice you make will end up being the right choice for you, I think. I don't know if that makes. If that sounds like, you know, wishy washy, but I do genuinely feel that way.

[Elise Hu]

I'd ask yourself how important it is to you to have another child, too. Ask yourself, maybe from the perspective of your future self, you know, do you feel like you would regret it if had you not? And that could be a way to test how meaningful it is to you or how ambivalent you are about it. Like, and it's okay to be ambivalent about it. So many of our lives are just full of surprises that we. That. That we don't. Cannot. We don't have the privilege of thinking this deeply about in the first place. So totally, it's cool that you're thinking about it and are, you know, are being intentional about it.

[Dori Shafrir]

I mean, these are some of, like, the biggest questions that people wrestle with. I mean, even Dr. Megan Sullivan was saying she was wrestling with this, too.

[Elise Hu]

And, and that it's the most enduring question in all of philosophy or something. I was like, do you have a child? And what's the value of having a child? And what's the value of having the next child? And so, yeah, though I don't want to say any of this to say, to be dismissive of any of my children. So for anybody, for Ava, Isa or Luna, if you're listening, I love you very much. I'm so glad you're here.

[Dori Shafrir]

All right, we have another kind of big question to get to after the break. And Elise, this one will be more directed to you, so I just want you to like be ready for it.

[Elise Hu]

All right.

[Dori Shafrir]

It's about co parenting.

[Elise Hu]

All right. That is coming up after the break.

[Dori Shafrir]

We'll be right back.

[Elise Hu]

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[Dori Shafrir]

All right, we are back as promised. We have another voicemail.

[Listener]

Hey friends, longtime caller, longtime listener wondering and this is maybe something that you have covered in the past so forgive me if it is. If you could talk some about co parenting for folks who are separated and divorced. Elise, I know this is something that you navigate yourself. I know there are a lot of listeners navigating it. It's something that I'm just figuring out with two young children and there are hard things and good things and I would just really love to hear all the different ways that folks are thinking about it and at least maybe how you have worked through it yourself and how it relates to self care and stuff in midlife for particularly for women and femmes. And yeah, I just think this would be a really great help to me if this is something that folks would be willing to talk about and I appreciate y' all very much.

[Elise Hu]

The part where my ears perked up was when you said especially as it relates to women and femmes. Because if you are in a heterosexual relationship and that heterosexual relationship is splitting up, then often what happens is your relationship, whether you were together or apart, still has the same kinds of like over functioning and under functioning roles and responsibilities. Right. So like in the same way that I was having to manage the kids schedules when I was married, I'm still managing the kids schedules for the most part when I'm not married and my ex husband executes on that schedule, whereas I have to like be the keeper of it. And so I don't love that. I don't love that. Not my favorite. Not my favorite.

[Dori Shafrir]

Yeah.

[Elise Hu]

And obviously him being a single parent now means that he's really had to step up in planning for the day and all of that. Like when he is in charge of the girls. But usually their schedules have to be consistent across both parents. Like when they have volleyball games or dance practice or whatever. And it's regularly during his time. It's not like it changes because it's his time. It's still happening. And so super structure wise, just like practical, actionable things that I think have been helpful is that Maddie and I try and have a call once a week just to talk about the weekend ahead.

[Dori Shafrir]

And I love that.

[Elise Hu]

And this totally depends on your relationship with your ex too. Like some people don't talk to their exes at all and don't want to. And so they try and keep it asynchronous communication. We are pretty friendly and so we talk to each other by phone once a week. And then when he's like mad at me for whatever reason because he still gets mad at me and there's ups and downs. Like then he doesn't want to talk and then I'm like, okay, great, like can I catch you when you're dropping off the kids? And then I feel like, like, can we please try just for the sake of the kids to have some sort of structure?

[Listener]

That's yeah.

[Elise Hu]

Easy for us. And then we have a shared calendar. So that helps. Like we have a shared calendar. That's the kids stuff and we both see it and that way. And that actually helps him because it reduces us having to talk to each because he's like, if it is it on the calendar. Okay, great.

[Dori Shafrir]

Do you guys ever do like family meals?

[Elise Hu]

I would love that. We, we did that at first. Like when we first met up, we still ate together every Friday and we do all the girls birthdays together. We tried to like have their birthday meal together. But now that Rob is like more integrated in the family and Maddie and Rob aren't like buddies. We. I feel like it actually takes away from some of our original, like, family gatherings, from the girl's parent, you know, the girls to biological parents. And so I know some great blended families who. They all go on vacation together. You know, it's like the ex, the ex husband, the ex wife, their new husband, their new wife, all the kids. And they're all like step siblings. And so there's awesome blended situations. I just think it's so much varies.

[Dori Shafrir]

Well, and that was why I asked family to family. I've heard of people who do like weekly dinners, although I feel like that's often like an early days of co parenting thing that happens where like they're sort of transitioning into this new world and then the. The family dinners sort of stop after a while.

[Listener]

Yeah.

[Dori Shafrir]

But I was just kind of curious, like, what, what the.

[Elise Hu]

For holiday gifts, we try and like use some sort of Google Doc or something so we don't accidentally duplicate. And then we do parent teacher conferences together so that the teachers don't have to duplicate. You know, so we. We go to all the concerts and recitals and things together and. But then also we have a running WhatsApp chat with one another. One another to like share photos and things. Because I have to work all day today, for example, and the kids are supposed to be with me, but he was flexible enough to take all the girls and do quote, unquote, dad camp. And so they went bowling or something. And he'll update me in some photos and things. Or if Ava has new headshots, I'll put them in a folder that's shared so that he can see everything too. We try to share all that media. That's another thing that we think about because inevitably one parent is like missing a lot of the things that they might have been there for previously.

[Dori Shafrir]

Totally.

[Elise Hu]

But also, you're getting a lot of time back too, that you might have like, doubled, you know, the situations in which both parents were there.

[Dori Shafrir]

Yes. Yes.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah. I hope this kind of answers your question in a practical way, because in a philosophical way, I can't really. Or relational way, I can't really speak to it specifically because all of our situations are so different. And then also, one thing that I would just keep in mind since you're a caller who's like, recently divorced or recently separated, is that your relationship with your co parent is going to change just in the way that all relationships change and grow and evolve and so just be open to how it doesn't stay exactly how it's to going it is right now. That's sometimes for the better, sometimes for a more frustrating result. But like it changes and so just yeah, be ready for all of the dynamism there.

[Dori Shafrir]

Great advice. Thank you Elise listeners, thank you so much for calling and writing in and we will talk to you soon.

[Elise Hu]

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