Forever35: Replay - Episode 340

How to Invest In Your Friendships with Rhaina Cohen
Original Release: December 29, 2025
Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Guest: Rhaina Cohen

Episode Overview

This episode, originally aired during "Friendship Month," dives deep into the value, structure, and historical context of adult friendships with guest Rhaina Cohen—author of The Other Significant Others. Doree and Elise lead a rich conversation about why we often undervalue friendship, how to center it more intentionally in our lives, and practical, meaningful ways to invest in platonic partnerships. The discussion balances personal anecdotes, research insights, and actionable advice, with a warm, thoughtful, and often humorous tone throughout.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Reframing Friendship as Central, Not Secondary

(14:44, 16:16, 18:17)

• Cohen’s Central Argument:
  “Friendship has untapped potential, and we undermine friendship by expecting too little of it. And really, at the same time, I think undermine romantic relationships by expecting too much.” – Raina Cohen [16:16]
• Cohen observed that people can and do build their lives—emotionally, practically, even legally—around devoted friendships, which she terms "platonic partnerships."
• Friendship is often “treated as this lesser type of relationship,” despite its ability to fulfill roles typically reserved for romance or family.

2. Historical Context: Friendship Wasn’t Always ‘Lesser’

(21:12)

• Historically, intimate, even ritualized same-sex friendships were common and publicly celebrated.
• “In the past, instead of having a spouse be your best friend and be the be all and end all, you would have very intimate same sex friendships... there were ceremonies and rituals that were built around friendship.” – Raina Cohen [22:05]
• The current focus on the nuclear family and exclusive romantic love is a recent social construction.

3. How to Build Intentional, Devoted Friendships

(18:55, 26:36, 31:30, 47:03)

• Key Actions:
  • Prioritize friends in your calendar (like recurring friend dates or integrating friends into daily routines).
  • Consider bold, creative life arrangements, e.g., co-living or even buying property with friends.
  • Be proactive: Don’t just let friendship "happen"—invest effort and structure.
• “You can build your life around your friends.” – Raina Cohen [20:53]
• Host Elise shares giving rides to the airport as a simple but meaningful act of togetherness.
  “It’s an opportunity to do a catch up. But I feel as though a lot of folks wouldn’t ask because it seems like an imposition, but it’s actually like a love language for me.” – Elise Hu [33:55-34:25]

4. The Ingredients of Deep Attachment

(31:30)

• Borrowing from relationship science, Cohen shares:
  “Time, togetherness, and touch... This applies to any kind of really close relationship, so it can be parent/child, romantic relationship, also friendship.” – Raina Cohen [31:30]
• Practical tips:
  • Spend significant, regular time together.
  • Share everyday activities (run errands, do chores, work side-by-side).
  • Normalize and negotiate platonic physical affection as desired.

5. Barriers and Pushback: Culture, Law, and Social Assumptions

(23:34, 27:59)

• Cohen is sometimes accused of being “anti-marriage,” but she clarifies she simply advocates for pluralism and questions why only certain relationships are culturally or legally privileged.
• On the “math argument” of the nuclear family:
  “There’s this…argument that two parents are better than one…well, why not three or four?... Why is two the magic number?” – Raina Cohen [27:59]
• She highlights alternatives (multigenerational living, friend-based childcare) as valid, supportive family structures.

6. The Impact of Social Media and ‘Therapy Speak’ on Friendship

(36:56, 38:08, 40:21)

• Doree references a Vox piece about “protecting your peace,” noting how therapy speak on TikTok promotes conflict avoidance and “cutting people out,” sometimes to the detriment of meaningful friendships.
• Cohen sees both positive and negative social media trends:
  • Some TikTok users celebrate “platonic life partners.”
  • Others display “relief” when plans with friends are canceled (Derek Thompson’s Atlantic piece).
• Both hosts and guest discuss how digital life can complement but not replace real-life touch and togetherness.

7. Self-Care, Boundaries, and Friendship Maintenance

(14:44, 44:08, 47:03)

• Cohen’s own self-care includes structuring life around connection—observing Shabbat for togetherness, and co-living to ease daily burdens.
• They discuss the paradox: sometimes the people in crisis are least able to reach out, so friends need to proactively check in.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Asking More from Friendship:
  “We have placed unnecessary limits on friendship and don’t understand how enriching it can be.” – Raina Cohen [17:35]

• Metaphor for Friendship Effort:
  “I hesitate to call it work… but intentionality, I think, is how I want to kind of think about it. Effort, effort is a great one.” – Doree Shafrir [48:17]

• On Breaking Social Habits:
  “We’re expected to have meta conversations in romantic relationships…but how often do you talk to your friends about your friendship and how it’s doing?” – Raina Cohen [47:32]

• Practical Wisdom:
  “Sometimes people should just give things and that…instead of being an imposition…tells you that you want to become closer.” – Raina Cohen [35:02]

Timestamps of Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment / Topic | |------------|------------------------------------------------------| | 14:44 | Raina on Self-Care: Joy and resilience in co-living | | 16:16 | Central argument: Expect more from friendship | | 18:17 | What ‘platonic partnership’ means and how to foster | | 21:12 | Historical treatment of friendship | | 23:34 | Pushback: Is this “anti-marriage”? | | 26:36 | Cohen’s unconventional living arrangements | | 31:30 | The three ingredients for building closeness: time, togetherness, touch | | 36:56 | Airport ride as meaningful act; creative connection | | 38:08 | Social media and therapy speak on friendship | | 44:08 | How self-care and avoidance complicate friendships | | 47:03 | Investing in existing and new friendships |

Practical Takeaways

• Put friendship on your calendar: Schedule recurring get-togethers, just as you would for family or romantic partners.
• Build shared routines: Everyday tasks and rituals can be deeply bonding.
• Don’t fear asking or being asked: Invitations to help or join in (even mundane things) foster closeness.
• Discuss the friendship itself: Like romantic partners, talk to your friends about your friendship—what’s working, what could bring you closer.
• Be bold about new models: Co-living, property-sharing, mutual childcare—all are valid and potentially rich paths.

Further Resources & Where to Find Raina Cohen

• Book: The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center
• Newsletter: "Related" on Substack (search “Raina”)
• Instagram: @RainaCohen
• Writings: Frequent contributor to The Atlantic

Closing Thoughts

This episode champions the radical yet comforting notion that friendship can and should be both central and celebrated in our lives. By challenging cultural defaults and investing actively in our friends, we can build more resilient, joyful, and meaningful support networks. As Elise notes, “For all my friends who are listening, I’m always down to give you a ride to the airport.” [36:02]

End of Summary