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Dr. Tara: The Biggest Lies We’ve Been Told About Love, Sex, and Desire | Ep. 272 with Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn
00:31:28
Daniel Robbins sits down with Dr. Tara, sexologist and author of How Do You Like It, to uncover the biggest myths about sex, why boredom—not hormones—is ruining relationships, and how the future of love could involve robots, AI, and even sexual meditation.
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- [00:00]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
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- [00:31]
Dr. Tara
For 140 years, MultiCare has been in Washington prioritizing long term solutions, partnering with local communities and expanding access to care. Together, we're building a healthier future. Learn more@ multicare.org.
- [00:48]
Mira Potassan
Hi, my name is Mira Potassan. I'm an author and I'm an activist. And GoFundMe is my go to platform for fundraising. The first GoFundMe I did was to raise money for a chat book or a collection of poetry and essays and short stories. So we started a GoFundMe and our goal was 7,000. What I've learned is so special about GoFundMe is that it's a whole collection of people offering anything from like $4 to $400. And each time you get a ping that someone donated, even if it is just $4, it's so exciting. So, so if you have a goal and you get there, you can keep making it bigger and bigger and bigger. We did go past our goal. It was amazing.
- [01:34]
Dr. Tara
GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform, trusted by over 200 million people. Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com so Dr. Tara, about eight.
- [01:49]
Interviewer / Host
Years ago I bought this website, daterobots.com but I never did anything with it like AI plus robots and humanoids. How do you see dating and sex 5, 10, 15 years down the line with all this stuff becoming more human.
- [02:05]
Dr. Tara
Like sex and dating, when it comes to like AI and robots and technology for the next 15 years, I think it's just going to be more and more integrated into people's lives. And whether or not you support it or you're against it, it's good going.
- [02:20]
Interviewer / Host
I wonder if people are going to think of that as like an actual partner, like a human, Right?
- [02:25]
Dr. Tara
I really think it depends on the person because even now some humans use other humans as sex toys. Like, you know, we have a huge hookup culture, one night stand, and some people don't even know how to engage in these things ethically and respectfully. But I think there will be a lot of people that develop strong emotional tie with their like AI partner or sex robot partner. I think there will be people that are completely immersed and like have robot partners, AI partners, as their like real life partners.
- [03:08]
Interviewer / Host
So Dr. Tara, about eight years ago I bought this website, Date Robots. But I never did anything with it because I really foresaw after watching many movies and just trying to understand how people were thinking at that time that robotics might be a thing. And now with AI like AI plus robots and humanoids, how do you see dating and sex? 10, 5, 10, 15 years down the line with all this stuff becoming more human.
- [03:38]
Dr. Tara
Like, well first off, congratulations because you're probably going to make $10 million selling that domain. So congrats to you and I want to be invited to your yacht party. Now, in terms of sex and dating, when it comes to like AI and robots and technology for the next 15 years, I think it's just going to be more and more integrated into people's lives. And whether or not you support it or you're against it, it's to going, going with or without you. And I think for me I'm going with it because I'm not one of those people that are going to go, you know what, like this is going to ruin lives and relationships. I rather empower and educate people how to become a more critical consumer of things. Right? Same thing about, same thing with porn. Like when the Internet was, was created and like porn really powered the Internet and the development of the Internet. Right. Um, I always say the same thing, like porn isn't necessarily the problem. It's like how people consume it is a problem. It's the same thing with sex sex robots in the future. It's like is it, is the robot the problem or are you the problem because you don't know how to moderate your usage. So for me I'm excited to get one. Like I'm definitely going to be one of the early adopters of like having a relationship with a sex robot or like an AI boyfriend. And given that like my husband and I are in an em so ethical non monogamy, like we can have multiple partners and one of them will be a robot.
- [05:13]
Interviewer / Host
How do you, I wonder if people are going to think of that as like an actual partner, like a human. Right? Like are we going to think of it, oh, it's like a sex toy or do you think people will have this emotional attachment because the AI like they have right now you know, people are talking to ChatGPT as if it is another person. What do you think about that?
- [05:34]
Dr. Tara
I really think it depends on the person because even now some humans use other humans as sex toys. Like, right. Like, you know, we have a huge hookup culture, one night stand, and some people don't even know how to engage in these things ethically and respectfully. Like they use other people like sex toys. So these are the same people that, you know, will be engaging in these things in a way that is not, um, you know, that they're not going to be critically thinking about how to engage with it. But I think there will be a lot of people that develop strong emotional tie with their like AI partner or sex robot partner because, oh, I should probably even remove the word sex because it's just going to be a robot partner. It's not just about sex. I think there will be people that are completely, completely immersed and like have robot partners, AI partners as their like real life partners. But then there's always going to be, you know, groups of people that sort of just have it as like a part of the fun and novelty and excitement to like spice things up with their IRL relationships and the world is moving towards like that way anyways. It's just like, what. Which one resonates with you more? Do you know which one resonates with you more?
- [07:01]
Interviewer / Host
I. I'm fascinated. I don't even, I'm not even sure. It's so hard to think. And I'm curious about. You said social media and porn. There's a huge debate around like only fans and the access to porn, you know, for younger generations now or pretty much any generation. Is this a bad thing? Is this a good thing? Is it neither bad nor good? What is your thoughts on the impact of social media and porn specifically? Maybe like OnlyFans when it comes to how, you know, maybe younger generations see sex and relationships.
- [07:41]
Dr. Tara
I think we need to educate the younger generation media and porn literacy. When they have the knowledge of media literacy and porn literacy, then they're able to engage in it in a way that's useful for them. Right. Whatever human experience or emotions they're going through, they can use these things as helpful tools rather than have these things become something that takes over their lives. Right? Right. So again, I am always in a position of like, people have the power and the choices that they can make and if they choose to do these things, like getting addicted to certain things, they can always seek help to get out of it and then now become a more Conscious users of these things or you're addicted to it and you let it come control your life, which is, you know, the reality for a lot of people. Are there negative effects of, you know, only fans, porn, social media on young adults? Like of course there are. But at the same time, I think it's because these people don't have media literacy or porn literacy. They overdo it. And then of course, all the negative benef, all the negative effects comes with that.
- [09:10]
Interviewer / Host
I mean, you know, they don't teach much of relevancy in school. I. I think so maybe they need to teach this. You need to teach, you need to create this course that they can teach in every school. I'm sure people would go bananas like it. It probably has so much backlash, it might be hilarious. I'm curious on you. You said that you're in a non monogamous ethical relationship. Is that how I say it at the go?
- [09:33]
Dr. Tara
Non monogamous.
- [09:33]
Interviewer / Host
E. M, sorry, ethical. Okay, ethical. Non monogamous. What does that mean? And how do you successfully do this without obvious, you know, the obvious. People getting jealous or having hatred for one another?
- [09:50]
Dr. Tara
I often tell people like E M is like an orientation. If you don't have that orientation, you like, can't really force yourself to become one. And you'll be so unhappy and insecure and just can't have a fulfilling relationship. But I believe I was born this way. You know when people say like, you're either gay or you're not, Like, I am E and M. I'm not a monogamous person and that's just who I am. And so finding a partner that has values that align to me. Meaning believing that you can love multiple people, believing that your life can be thriving together with other people. People as well. So what E M means depends on the couple. Em can mean, you know, you are able to have sex or like sexually play with other people based on the consent that your partner, you know, agree on with you. It can also be, you can digitally chat with other people, but you can never see them in real life. It can also be, you can have sex with people, but you can't like date them. It can also be like, you can date these people, you can bring them home. It can also be like, we can all live together and raise kids together. Like there's so many different configurations. It's really like having a menu at a restaurant and like just build your own. It's like an a la carte, just whatever is acceptable and agreed on by two people, then anything goes. But the misconception of it is when you say you're non monogamous, people say, oh, so you can just whoever you want. That's not true. That is not true. First off, like, you, your partner has to agree to this and your partner has to consent and consent to whatever that's being allowed in the relationship. So there's a lot of work when it comes to organizing and maintaining this type of relationship. But to me, it's much easier work because it's communication and being honest. For me, that's easy. For a lot of people it's not, but communication and being honest and like in returns I'm able to explore sexually with other people. I think it's a good roi.
- [12:11]
Interviewer / Host
I think communication is the issue for almost most relationships, right? That's just general communication or lack thereof. So it sounds like if you can have the communication, you can be successful in multiple aspects of, of a relationship. So what do you think is the biggest lie that we've been told about love and sex and how could this be ruining relationships?
- [12:35]
Dr. Tara
The biggest lie that you've been told about sex is that you should be able to know how to do it naturally. That's the biggest lie. Because people have this argument, like whenever I'm at a dinner party, right? Like even like two weeks ago, I was at a dinner party, I sat next to this guy and he's like, what do you do? I said, I'm a sexologist. Right? Started. He started asking me, like, what does that mean? Then he proceeded to tell me, like, oh, I don't, I don't think I need help in that department. I don't think anyone does. Like, it's just what, you know how to do it like, you were born to do this. I'm like, I feel so bad for your wife right now that's sitting next to you. Because people with this type of mentality means they don't have a growth mindset. And I'm all about growth mindset in every aspect of my life, including sex, sexuality and skills. Because sex is not something that you can just do. Sex is a competence, just like communication competence, computer competence, other types of competence, like tennis competence. Right? Sex. Sexual competence is such a thing. It's, you know, a construct that we study in sexology. And some people have low competence, so some people have moderate, some people have high. Now the myth is like, everyone should just know how to do it really well. Everyone's a great lover because it was like in us, right? It's not true. A lot of sex and being A good lover is nurture, not nature. And within nurture, there are various things that you can be doing to become a better lover today. Like, for example, first is education. Like, we know in research that the more educated you are on the topic, the less anxious you are about it, the more you can, like, engage in pleasure. Like, you have more capacity for pleasure. So education is one that can be like reading books, listening to podcasts, reading articles, and just like, learn more about this topic. Another thing that I really like that I think a lot of people don't really seek out to do is like, watching instructional porn videos. Because a lot of times sex isn't necessarily something that you can learn in theory because it's so like, practice based, right? It's a practicum. So watching instructional porn of how to do like, certain things can become like, really helpful. Like, for example, I know one of my clients was like, self conscious about like not knowing how to finger a woman, and I like, send him this like, instructional video and he's like, wow, I got, I got like so much more confident, like, knowing the little techniques. And like, the next time he tried it on his girl, he was like, wow, like she, she said it change completely. So I thought this is what everyone needs. It's like, just watch instructional porn.
- [15:26]
Interviewer / Host
Maybe it's an ego thing, right? I think for men just listening to like that guy, maybe he has this ego that, you know, it diminishes him as a man if he says he's not this. But that is fascinating. What do you. What advice would you have then for maybe for men out there who might be thinking that, like, what do they gain if they learn more, if they can be better? Especially if you're talking a lot of our audience is probably 40s to 50s. Maybe they've been in relationships longer. So thinking, like, if you've been in a relationship longer, over time, I imagine things might change.
- [16:05]
Dr. Tara
Oh, totally. I mean, the, the fabric of sex and sexuality and desire changes every, like, year. So like, if you've been together one year versus three years versus five years versus ten years, like, it, it's always changing. And that is why it is so pivotal that you take the growth, mindset, perspective on sex and not just do the same thing from the day you met her, you know what I mean? Like, if 10 years from now my partner does the exact same move, like, I'm out, like, you know, if you're not learning new things, trying new moves, trying like, new sexting methods, sending me like, new pics. That's interesting. Taking me on dates that are interesting and sexual and pleasure filled, then it's so boring. And that's why boredom is like the number one sex problem long term relationships have. It's, it's so boring. People say like the number one problem is sexual desire, right? Sexual desire, AKA like sex drive, right? Especially like women's, you know, after maybe like 10 years in a relationship, they go like, I just don't have that much sex drive. Like, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. It's because the sex you're having is boring. Like imagine who's your celebrity crush? Like someone might say Brad Pitt, right? Imagine Brad Pitt comes in here. He only looks at you, he talks to you, listens to you attentively, flirts with you, touches you in different ways, gives you lots of compliments and adoration. He adores you. Would you be getting wet? The answer is yes, right? Because that's the thing. It's, we want excitement, novelty. And like knowing that the partner puts in the effort and takes the initiative is not about having a low sex drive. Like when the right context exists, any woman can have sex drive. So for me, telling people that are in relationships, that are in their like 40s or 50s and in a relationship, it's like educating yourself on new things. And in my book I call them erotic solutions, right? Because in eroticism people don't know where to start. So here are the solutions. So you can adopt any of these erotic solutions and they're all practical. So you can just start doing them in your life. Like tonight.
- [18:33]
Interviewer / Host
Let'S talk about your new book and thank you for sharing that by the way. I think a lot of people will resonate with that. And I think a lot of people, I know a lot of people that have told me things, I'm like, wow, you know what you need to listen to Dr. Kara. So let's hear about the book. What, what, what is a what? What is the book? The name of the book and also what is maybe one or two takeaways I can expect reading this book.
- [19:00]
Dr. Tara
So the name of the book is called how do youo Like It? A Guide for Getting what yout Want in Bed. And it's self explanatory. It helps you learn how, like what you like in bed. Because a lot of times when you interview people and ask people like, so like what do you like in bed? Like what are you like in bed and what do you like in bed? They don't have the answer, right? So this book will help you understand. First, this book Will help you understand yourself more. Like, you will have the language to explain to people who you are sexually, like, your sexual concept. So I created a questionnaire called the Dr. Tara sexual profile. And it's kind of like the Myers Briggs Personality Test where you can get like, ENFJ intp, right? Like it's the same thing. So it's sex personality. So after you do the quiz and read the chapter, you'll know, like, who you are. And you can use that as a starting point, almost like an icebreaker with your partner and start talking about, like, what you like sexually when you're in, like, if you're a couple and you, like, do this together, there's so much to talk about. The second thing that you'll learn is practical communication skills. You'll learn, like, many different ways to, like, start talking in bed. Like, if you're a quiet lover or you only moan, you don't really know what to say. Like, you will learn exactly what to say. I'll have, I have a ton of examples and whatever that like, fits your personality too. So, like, variations of examples. You'll learn how to like, talk better in bed. You'll learn how to talk better outside of bed. You also learn erotic solutions. So new non traditional things to try in bed with your partner. So lots to, lots to take away.
- [20:53]
Interviewer / Host
So, Dr. Tara, you told me recently about sexual meditation is a thing. I'm very curious because I like to meditate, but I feel like sexual meditation sounds way more inviting and better than doing regular meditation, which I get bored with.
- [21:09]
Dr. Tara
Effy. So there's a lot of research on the positive benefits of sexual mindfulness practices like sexual meditation. Sexual meditation is like regular meditation, but it focuses on sexual thoughts, sexual feelings, and the sensations in the body, especially in the erogenous zones. Now when you do sexual meditation, you can do it quietly, uh, and visualize like the last time you had a really hot connected sex. You can massage, you know, different erogenous zones on your body while you meditate and take deep breaths. Connect your mind with your body and the erogenous zone so you can massage your nipples, you can massage your pubic area. Um, you could also do this with your partner as one of the activities that you do to sexually connect without penetration, which a lot of people enjoy because sometimes you just don't want to have penetrative sex. So that's a really, really great sexual activity that I always recommend to people because there's so much research about, like, why it's helpful. Like, there's research that Shows it improves people's sexual desire, like sex drive. It helps with their sexual functioning, it reduces sexual pain. So it's just, it's a great practice. And it's free. Free. But if you like listening, like do you listen to guided meditation? I listen to guided meditation if I want to like calm down or sleep or focus or confidence. So I also have like just free sex. Guided sexual meditation on YouTube. If you search, you know, love bites, Dr. Tara, sexual meditation, it will come up. I have lots of different variations, some for solo, some for couples, for you guys to try.
- [22:52]
Interviewer / Host
You can listen to before you go to sleep. And you have really great dreams.
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Dr. Tara
Exactly.
- [22:58]
Interviewer / Host
Better night's sleep. So what about women as they get 40s and 50s? Because we've heard this before from friends and such that they blame it on hormones. I know you mentioned before about boredom, but is there anything that they could be doing? And I know you've talked a lot about how masturbation is a good thing. I don't know if that also plays into it, but what do you think? Are they maybe are they kind of forgetting around, like what makes them happy or pleasure or like you said, things are changing. Are they not communicating? What is it that might be causing it? And then what can they do also to get back to maybe how they felt before?
- [23:38]
Dr. Tara
Wow. I mean there are a lot of causes. Like this alone can be like a one hour episode. So I'm just going to try to like share this quickly in a short summary. But if you want to learn more, you can definitely like get the book and learn more about sexual desire. But some of the causes can be like, first is familiarity and boredom. Like if you're in a relationship for a long, long time and your partner and you both, it's. It takes two to tango. So like, and if you and your partner don't really put in the effort to try anything new at all in the realm of sexuality and romance, then there won't be any desire. And you know, you can say it's because you're menopausal or perimenopausal, which of, of course the big factor is contributing to, to low sex drive as well, but also so does like boredom and complacency. Second would be, like I said, hormones. Hormones are big factors in contributing to women not wanting to have sex. It could be that they're uncomfortable, they don't have any drive, they don't have the desire. It could be hurt, like painful also. And then another aspect would be that they are not comfortable, confident or happy. With themselves. Because a lot of times self esteem is connected to how much people desire sex. So self esteem can be one of them. And sometimes when your body changes, it affects your self esteem. So that's just a few of different causes. Now what can you do? I think there are different aspects that I'm going to share. So first is the self, the self aspect. So what can yourself, like, what can you do to maintain a healthy balance in your sex life? And I think daily masturbation or masturbating a couple of times a week is really healthy because it keeps your genital, like, engaged, right? Because your clitoris gets a blood pool there. When you masturbate, you get to orgasm, which means you get to experience like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin when you orgasm. And it also increases self esteem when you are able to give yourself pleasure. So I would say for the self, like, you can masturbate more regularly and take care of yourself that way. Now for the partner, I would say the brain is the biggest sex organ. And women, just like men, women need to be mentally stimulated. So if life is so robotic and formulaic, every day is the same. We come home after work, we sit down, eat dinner, watch tv, go to bed. Like, there is no room for desire in there. So I think it's important that couples, like actually sit down and go, you know what? We need to make changes. And it can be small changes, but it can be very powerful. For example, thinking more of, like, how can you have more adoration and devotion in your relationship? But when was the last time you compliment your partner in a very like, sensual and sexual way, right? Or when was the last time you, like, devoted yourself to her for something? So I think when people have been together a long time, they forget that aspect that like, women need to be mentally turned on to be physically turned on. So. So before you try to have sex with your partner, foreplay starts when you wake up. So when you wake up, compliment her, like immediately, right? And then throughout the day, like, try different things. Like another thing women love is gifts. And it doesn't have to be huge gifts. It can be small gifts. It's about the thought. But like, women love getting gifts. So maybe getting her flowers, like pick up a coffee or whatever it is, give her gifts. And then throughout the day, sort of just be more playful, change the energy in the relationship. Maybe text her something cute and funny, say that you miss her, you're like thinking about her. All these things can help women feel like, more mentally stimulated and then physical Stimulation can come later when you start, like the physical part of the foreplay.
- [27:51]
Interviewer / Host
Sounds like this could help a lot of people be happier. And if a lot of people are. Be happier, there'd be less anger in the world because the world is just. It's a very angry place. Maybe it's because they're having less sex or they're not having the sex they want or. Like you said, there's a lot of issues with their self and their self is not allowing other people that. This is great. Going back to something. I'm just. Final thoughts here or question. Going back to technology a few years ago is all about, like, Metaverse and VR was like a thing, right. And then it kind of died down. But I always wondered around this type of thing when it comes to sexual pleasure, when it's just your mind, because you said your brain is your largest organ, do you think it's. Is it possible?
- [28:35]
Dr. Tara
Largest sex organ? Your largest organ is skin sex organ?
- [28:40]
Interviewer / Host
Yes. So unless you don't have any skin, then I guess it would be your brain, but. So do you think it's possible in the future, can you have sex like, totally virtually in your mind, like with. Because I know meta is coming out new glass. There's a lot of this, like, stuff that could potentially just be like, right in front of your face, in your head, in your mind you're seeing it is. Do you think people will be able to, like, will your body be able to have the same sensation or pleasure if it's physically being touched?
- [29:12]
Dr. Tara
1,000%. 1,000%. Because I had a big orgasm last time, I got hypnotized. It's called orgasmic hypnosis and no one was touching me. So, yeah, same principles apply. Like, if it's VR and you're experiencing it in the mind and through visualization and through feeling it in your brain and body, like by yourself, without being touched. You can totally have an orgasm on your own without, you know, needing another person to touch you.
- [29:44]
Interviewer / Host
Wow. That type of hypnosis skill could be very useful for a lot of people. That's interesting.
- [29:53]
Dr. Tara
Yeah. Yeah. I went to this, like, intensive workshop and it was like an amazing experience. At the end of the workshop, I was able to have an orgasm through hypnosis.
- [30:03]
Interviewer / Host
Is that similar to like, tantric or. I'm not really sure, like, totally how tantric is defined.
- [30:09]
Dr. Tara
Yeah. I think it could sit within the world of like, tantra. Yeah, like tantra and tantric sex. But again, like, hypnosis in itself is a discipline. Like it. It has been around for a long time, and people get hypnotized to quit a lot of bad habits. Like, I know a friend who used to buy her nails and now she doesn't anymore through, like, hypnosis. So it's not just about sex, but this particular course was orgasmic hypnosis. Like, how to use hypnosis to have, like, multiple orgasms.
- [30:41]
Interviewer / Host
How do people find out about these things? Is there, like, a centralized place or, like, how does one. I don't. How did you, like, Google search that you asked? Chat GBC. Dr. Tar. Yeah, of course. Dr. Tar. I know you have great podcasts, you have shows, you do TV stuff, you have incredible content, and you've built an amazing online Persona, which, you know, I think is. Is great when it comes to, like, a topic that may consider taboo. So I imagine the love and hate that you get from people is probably, you know, quite fascinating. How do you navigate that?
- [31:16]
Dr. Tara
I delete negative comments. Yeah, Like, I don't. I'm not one of those people that go like, oh, I keep all the comments because of engagement. Like, I don't care about that. I care about having a beautiful, loving and positive home. And my. My social media is my home, so I clean it up. Yeah, I have a. I have a team of social media people that, like, help me navigate it. But ultimately we delete, like, a lot of the negative comments because I don't invite that kind of negativity in my space in person or online.
- [31:52]
Interviewer / Host
I like that. I think. I think we all need that because social media, it can be very toxic when you. I imagine when you're reading things about what other people say, as if that even matters in our lives. But, Dr. Tara, how do you like it? Is the book correct? How do you like it? When does it come out? How can people get it?
- [32:11]
Dr. Tara
Right now? And if you pre order, you'll be like, on the list of getting invited to secret saucy parties. But the book comes out October 21st, and so if you pre order, it will ship on October 21st.
- [32:27]
Interviewer / Host
What is a secret saucy party?
- [32:29]
Dr. Tara
Oh, unless you buy the book.
- [32:33]
Interviewer / Host
That you. They got to get the book. I mean, how can you finish on that like that? That's. That sounds fascinating. But, Dr. Tara, how do you like it? I think we all need this. I really know many people that if they get this book, they're going to be happier because they're going to be in a better relationship. They're not going to complain about a lot of things that I hear them complain about. This is It's a, it's a major topic. It's a major topic and I hope that there's more positivity and love spread in the world and what better around sex and intimacy in your relationship. So thank you for joining us today. Thank you for all you do because you really make the world a better place.
- [33:10]
Dr. Tara
Thank you for having me and amplifying like the message of sex positivity. For 140 years, MultiCare has been in Washington prioritizing long term solutions, partnering with local communities and expanding access to care. Together, we're building a healthier future. Learn more@ multicare.org Hiring isn't just about.
- [33:33]
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- [34:29]
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- [34:59]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
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